the author ache
i am compelled to believe in a god and i thank him
my life is a real baroque maze
it is a bizarre riddle
still i have had my health and i have eked out a living
playing not working
all extremes combined into one i have stumbled through life
certain wearinesses appear reminding me of my approaching winter
and my long rest
too hard to be soft
too soft to be hard
music words art have become easy for me
but life is getting harder
i tell you again
with all my words yet i cannot seem to reason with many
my anger and self-doubt trip me up
my pre-occupation with art consumes me
i work on things in my head
i can’t keep track of all this on the outside
i have my own taboos and formulae and rituals
given isolation in a music studio and an art enclave
oh i would certainly produce something very good
the outside world intrudes of course
i don’t get enough done
i need to create
I’ve gotta get cracking
every day or 2 a new thing crops up
good things bad things neutral things
eats up yer time and inclination to do something
my world drives me mad
it is one conundrum on top of one more conundrum
writing a song?
no worries
sorting all the rest out?
weariness descends
i am at the centre yet have frittered away authority
old myths linger
the new me is perceived only dimly
as i get freer i get more entangled
then suddenly even tomorrow
it may all suddenly stop
and all the manoeuvring will be as nothing
just more bullshit contributing to ones demise
As life takes us in its own evolution.. Meditation must be the core strength to keep our world in our hand, Be strong Killer, Resolve your conflicts.. have urself some peace, Yu deserve it and I for one wish it for you and yours.. Jaime R….
Fantastic…
There is never enough time. Life gets in the way of creating.
life begins to decay at birth, flowers damaged by a hail storm.
Do you meditate? I know that when I become unfocused and frustrated, it really helps me. Peace. (I’m making a peace sign with my fingers, but you probably can’t see it.)
Hey maybe this is a real need for creating–Your Own Universe…A place to express all of these thought wandering around your brain and seeing them come to life and letting people here…hear the music which it inspired and for us to want to visit. But me personally I want a List of possible roles and a look at what kinda women will be there that you have created….LOL…Rock and Roll….A little bit of Rock and a whole Lotta Rollinnnn
K
L8R
JTheDon
If yer unhappy and yer know it……CHANGE! Re-birth, it hurts like the first.
a streaming response…
maybe it’s the price for opening the door so far to a complex inner creative life
and yours is clearly multifarious and layered with nuance and contradiction
maybe it gets harder to tend to conflicting terrains when so many tools are busy divining one part of the forest
and the longer you have worked that patch, the more deeply you are surely digging
and even though it feels easier, more energy is probably tied up there than ever before
or maybe it’s always been like that…
and maybe the strain becomes too great when we keep leaping between the divides
we are not machines, maybe we ask too much of ourselves
abstraction needs a flow of uninterrupted consciousness
the power struggles of the outer world are its antithesis, irreconcilable
but then, i can always fall in the hole i dug for myself anyway
without any outside intervention…so the dichotomy is inner and outer
but whatever its source, it seems to get harder to navigate, for me
the paradox lies in the question and in offering consciousness to our process
so easy to say…
maybe anger and intolerance try to keep the impediments at bay, try to protect the core, hold on to the power
or maybe that’s the lie, the fearful reflexes that know no other way, that keep repeating failed responses, and prove the definition of insanity
attention is the imperative for change, a conscious sacrifice of time and energy
but maybe that’s for another lifetime
maybe the uncontrollable life surrounding the art, if artistry is the necessity of a life, needs to be made as simple and manageable as possible so that the work can continue
maybe that’s all you can do
and just bear the disorder when it cannot be controlled
bear the imperfection, the mess
give it up, let it go, or just wait til it leaves, is all i can do when the power struggles take hold
reasoning is doomed to failure in my world, the world is just not reasonable most of the time
but what do I know…
a lovely response full of good points. thank you
the bible – every word.
Don’t be too hard on yourself
Artists gotta be alone and eing alone will turn you into artist
off topic?
maybe not…..
i worked with a guy at royal mail for many years,we became pretty good pals.
i haven’t seen much of him in the past couple of years since leaving the mail biz,and also due to the fact that his habit with the bottle put him in hospital for a spell and ruined his marriage.
nonetheless….a flawed but essentially good man.
for some reason, out of the blue….i had a dream or something on friday night in which i was told he had died.
this being the time being you can guess the content of the e-mail i just read this sunday morning.
i’m now convinced more than ever before that there IS an architect behind all this crazy shit we call life.
another sad day though………..
You have been having way to many, we gotta flip that around asap. I worry about ya.
Darrin K.
I have recently had an epiphany from an ‘outside’ induced writers block. I began writing a fictional story of character study/selfrealization/confrontation / and remorse aprox 5 years ago. You will be glad or mad to know that both you and Marty are in my ‘great american novel’ – the 2 of you are…cats of the anti-hero named ‘piper and kilbey’ (your the cat who keeps fucking up the poor guys home when he’s gone for the day at work…ha.ha.haaaaa).
I do consider myself an artist. I have had poetry published. I have played the guitar(primary) for over 35+ years now, I draw and paint freehand paintings with, like u, not an ounce of formal training. With modern technology, I can’t incorporate my art into my album.covers of the instrumental music that I have composed (I play all instruments needed- guitar, bass, drums/percussion/ keys). I have made concept albums and a mutual friend, Sir Andy, and I have traded our work. Andy is a fine musician and a diamond gem of a person. He is so genuine- but I get the sense sometimes that he may think im a tad crazy, well that actually may b true. But I know Andy is dear to u, as u r 2 him.
So- what’s my point…
When the creative juice flows like testosterone on steroids, I want no one in my way, I want to b selfish because it may jeopardise the process and it can result in anger and strife for those around me, including my children. You have a gift of striking an ‘even’ chord by years of practice at this. With so many darling angelic voices filling the space between your houses for over 20+ years. How do you do that???
How is it even possible??? I can never imagine a Mr. Steve Kilbey locking himself away from society and its woes, unable to have and relay any commentary on the events at hand like Salinger did. But, if you could change it all…would you??? Be alone-be free to create at an alarming and abundant rate….????
Can you even reflect on your life and answer that question. I believe I missed the boat/train/plane when I ‘chose’ to raise my son from birth until 10 years old by myself due to unforeseen circumstances ( i married my best friend Laura on 05/21/2000) But, if I could do it all over…many people thought I was a budding virtuoso at the age of 18-20. Would I even consider…????????
Hell no, my greatest artwork IS my son, and now my soon to b 4 year old angel. So, I sacrificed it all for them. All I do now is for hobby sake, but maybe this book that I have been writing for years will be my defining moment….just 25+ years after I thought it might have happened.
AsAlways,
Darrin K.
This is life as an adult /parent/spouse. Sorry. Responsibilities extending far wide of the workplace no matter what it is we do for a living. Expectations and reality are rarely the same . Fact of life. You can’t always change everything but you can change the way you respond to situations. Positive approach stops helplessness. As has been suggested by others ,meditation is another approach, and can be incorporated throughout the day. You started by pointing out a few positives but slip into the same struggle. Hopefully a couple of pertinent quotes will enable you to lessen the fight. (actually three )
Quote : I just need somewhere to dump all my negativity.
Van Morrison.
Quote:What we change inwardly will change outer reality.
Plutarch.
Quote: Habits of thinking need not be forever. One of the most significant findings in psychology in the last twenty years is that inderviduals can choose the way they think.
Martin Seligman. ( author learned optimism)
I may have to forward this on to Mr Morrison.
Take care Mr K and Family.
maintain grace under pressure
and you shall prevail
life creeps in with living matters
but you shall not fail
find those precious moments
when you can be alone
and write that beautiful symphony
you cannot go wrong
balance the equations
the solution is in that song
your spirit calls out
your spirit calls out
Steve,
Sorry to hear about this, I know the feeling. My wife and I both work we have 4 kids and our schedules are always a battle. When things at work are well things at home are usually not and vice versa. No mato tter what I always find time with my kids even if its just an hour reading them a book or drawing whatever. My older kids we do home work together and spend time that way, I enjoy discovering how they process and think about information in school or the world. The most important thing I do every day is carve out an hour or two to do something for me, like visiting this site which I do daily, hotel womb, face book etc to keep up with updates and upcoming releaes etc. I have made some lovely Church related friends like Holly, Frank, Anthony, Jeff, Chrome etc. I can loose myself in this other world which is themed around love for your music and art, all that other stuff goes away for a little while and I thank you for it. Real world always comes calling and off I go. Maybe you need to organize your day to spend time with your kids, concerns and make time for your creative outlet. Not easy I know but worth it if you can balance your work/life and satisfy all involved.
Hope things improve for you and if you ever need help with anything we are here for you. Even though some of us are on the other side of the world we could still help you with the sites, sharing information etc.
Take Care,
Jason
your focus is inspiring. perhaps our struggles add depth and meaning to our art.
I read an interview once where the person stated “I don’t get stage fright….I get the rest of life fright..” Cannot help but think if this when reading your post….stay strong.
You soundeth depressed a bit. Perhaps fearing that if you become happy you will become shallow, lose that “edge”, lose track of the magic.
It’s said that one is not what one DOES, but who one IS. You ARE an artist. That is unchangeable. Even if you produced nothing in the physical world, you THINK art. You FEEL art. You ARE art. Sure, it’s what you do, but also who you are.
You are very driven, more than most, and that is highly admirable. But don’t let your drive work against you. You are in control, don’t ever feel otherwise. God/The Universe will always support you, no matter what happens, no matter what you do, or do not, accomplish.
Enjoy what you have, embrace this life, believe that the only thing working against you is yourself. And let that go.
You may be surprised.
I like Anon’s thoughts…..tolerate the crap if you have to and savor the times you have to do what you want….
love always….
One only has to see your face in performance to see your bliss.
Time: it slaps me around too. I hate treating it like stacks of shiny coins. That’s no way to live, but I can’t seem to shake the habit. There IS so much to do…
You are spectacularly productive . Perhaps you can linger longer in your completed creations? Get comfortable with a pause in the action? Not so much of an expert on that myself, unfortunately.
Much love to you,
L.
Hope it all works out for you, Steve.
It seems like there is never enough time to get things done
and when I take time for myself I feel guilty about not being constructive.
Is this what it means to be an adult and have responsibilities.
You just have to balance your time I guess.
Hang in there…great creations don’t come easy.
i wish i could stop whining and get back to work.
SK12:
You either got faith or you got unbelief. I think you got faith, more so that you let on. everything you have been able to tap into is of the divine, you know this, you must know this. all that is there to greet you, both today and tomorrow. it will either slingshot you back into this world, boomerang karma (am still convinced you were one of Columbus’ buddies who toiled under a Spanish monarch), or it will be there to greet you, to escort you into your mansion, and I hope to see you there one day, maybe have a drink and smoke?
A solid woman could help you too. you still have time to find your June Cash. Just make sure she’s not crazy.
But faith, man, I know you got it. But once you realize it, it takes all the damn pressure off. Tap that particular divine keg.
Enjoy – and please bring all your friends (David Neil album/ Isadore sessions) to the States. It will be a great spiritual review.
Wilfred P
i could use some cash in june….
Hop a plane with clothes for 4 days, 2 acoustic guitars and play couple solo gigs at the Park West, or we could find another venue, but I believe you like that one (P.W) (oh and bring along some merch…you most easily can move it here. Take an extra day or 2 to just walk the greatest city on EARTH, so many shops and art/culture and fine vegan dining. That would charge up the batteries nice and strong. Cash should line your pockets and fly on back to Bondi. There , one week with travel/ 3 shows / and some R n R and the month of June would be profitable for at least 25%.
I’m an optimist…
Have a Killer Day !!!
AsAlways,
Darrin K.
We can’t help but change.
Each relationship, each perception, each neural stimulation
adjusts us.
Individually and collectively
unavoidably
we change.
We exalt in our youth, but would he recognize us now?
And with the last cloudy breath of winter
will we know who we’ve become?
Boy, that was pretty.
Yet it is after the demise
When everything
Really counts…
“we face death all the time, and for that time we are immortal”
Dear Mr K,
I was diagnosed with a severe burn-out.
Caused by self-doubt & consequent insomnia.
After all these fruitful(?) years.
I fell back into myself from a world that I considered mine.
Now I am trying to bend creative processes the other way. What a task!
At first the sky seemed to be the limit and yet anxiety lures again.
Practical issues and wanting instant solutions.
Inspiration… yeah. Materialization… well, to a certain extent.
Yeah, the one thing I learned is that there’s only 24 hours in a day.
Anxiety… it’s such a ‘delicious’ trap.
Lots of luv’,
E
you gotta a break through coming just wait and see.
Dear Steve I hope you get a nice big cash windfall soon so you can create without pressure! I know the rent in Bondi must be crippling.
I like the way you say ‘a god’. Wouldn’t the world be a better place if everyone had their own god, free of shackles! Just watched Bill Maher’s ‘Religulous’. Only 16% of Americans don’t adhere to any religious organisation. I was surprised to see that Australian had only a slightly greater figure of 20%. No wonder the world is so fucked up!
Time flies so quickly…
See http://merch.thechurchband.net/priest-aura-30th-anniversary-cd/
2022 already !! (just a joke)
Have a break, Mr Kilbey.
Rest a lot.
Enjoy the sun and the beach with your family.
Forget the fans, the spotlights, the noise, the blog (oh no, not the blog !) for a while.
Don’t worry about us, we have Isidore to keep us warm this winter, and hopes for nice music from the Opera House soon…
- and for all these reasons you are truly an Artist.
It’s an eternal struggle but we’d have it no other way.
‘i work on things in my head
i can’t keep track of all this on the outside’
I can relate to this so much.
Keep swimming.