ha ha bib pectins back like he never wennaway
cor blimey i’m such a likely lad eh what you betcha little lovely
someone asked me to reminisce th’other night
some top notch awards ceremony in a (scout)hall in broads head
my fave aussie moments in rocknroll c’mon bib please be a rack on tour for us
well christ lemme think i says between champers
and vegi-sushi nibbles with that fucken sauce i don’t like…
i turned to me manager banga pearson who once worked for chuggy himself
i told you not to ever have this stuff served at my gigs
but bib-0 says banga
this aint your fuckin’ gig me old sunny jim jam wham bam thank you ma’am
get on with the story bib you turkey or i’ll dim your bloody sim for ya!
can’t remember what i was saying banga when you interrupted me…
about your fave aussie rock moments in your ill-ustrious careering…
oh yeah well one would have to be johnny hooch and the young new stars
the young new stars were anything but young or new or stars
such is the power of the media
chicks flocked to these mock turtles like yabbies towards a bit of meat
johnny hooch that wasn’t even his real name…
fuck i wish i’d thought of that instead of being bib pectin
or even johnny pectin has a bit of wallop ya know what i mean
although bib hooch is quite a fine moniker too for a refined avuncular wild yet mild man
a swooning crooner who wears the crown
among the cabaret clowns who drown in maudlin towns
anyway johnny friggin’ hooch and the the new young ding dongs
are like in this hotel man down in the east lake airport strip
some hot night they just did a fuckin’ gig and pulled a thousand people
and some bastard ran away with the door
the whole door for the whole night
and hoochie bring some you know ha ha senoritas back to room 113
and he no called hooch for nothing you know what i really mean here
some other idiot gotta speargun
in johnnys room the champagne has been flowing and flown
strewn clothes carelessly adorn the dawning
man i shoulda been floored just by the beer
and whatever was that christmas cheer hooch picked up here
before he flew there where he had a pair of sold out blocks
the first señorita
you see she’s lapping up fames big lie ha ha like a cat yes yes
oh johnny i love your music so much blah blah ha ha ha
oh yeah which song you like best little stranger?
oh i dunno there names johnny i just love the way the feel to me
which is good for you johnnie cos i wanna be good to you too
in those days i used to open for hooch strange as it may seem now
i used to go up to his room
he always had the best fucking room in the joint
and vice versa naturally seeing he was the hooch man himself right
his big number one hit written by boswell scallywag and tob bobbin
banga what was that called…. that one….?
i call you zephyr cause you blow?
nah banga not that one the one about the scrubber in the flat
that really romantic one…?
fuck that was a great song what was it called…..?
recorded by dennis menagerie wasn’t it at nausea studios …?
you mean the old rex vomit place in new oldham….?
not the place wrinkled carrot made hedgehog….?
mate wrinkled carrot didn’t even play on hedgehog that was the old new young stars
but who played the solo on my girl rat?
that was tiggy moss-gosse from fearsome waterfowl
really i never knew tiggy could play like that ….
but what about johnny hooch and the lads…back at the hote-ie…?
yeah a guy turned up was actually mr asias dad mr asia snr
opiated hash carved into replicas of buddha man heavy as your heart
hooch and mr asia snr get totally ripped on the products at hand
hooch smoked almost a whole sid-arthur before he stopped
then mr asia snr says now where iss my munny hooch…?
but says hooch i didn’t get paid at the gig sir i got fleeced as you might say…
things turn nasty
one of the roadies of the flamboyantly dull knocks over the aquarium
shorts out the lights and everyones in the dark
the guy with the speargun fires into the darkness
as the cops bust down the door and a news elly-coptah ‘overs hoverhead
and the guy who signed em to tepid records rolls up with a fucking cheque for a hundred grand
bullshit. he also had a nuff coke-ayne to last a legion of actors and footy stars a leap year
and the models and playboy bunny who was the premiers mistress sister to manny gambini at the cross
he had vatty-kin ties dyed with that lot who whip emselves through the streets of meddy-evil movies
johnny hooch was also a 13th dan jing jing-u master
i saw him take on a senior girls hockey side with ‘is guitar still ‘anging off ‘im
plus the cops were on the take from mr asia snr
it was give n take actually
and hooches twin brother gerald at that moment showed up
he was a senator in some bi election
what happened then?
what bloody happened then?
send five euros to pectin@you’avemunny.org.ie
and i might tell ya what happened next…if yer lucky….