nevets yeblik walks into a bar
no that cant be right
nevets yeblik never walks into a bar
he walks into mirrors
he walks into a mirror in a bar
he is standing there
drinking lemon lime n bitters
hes come to see a play hes written
oh yes nevets yeblik the playwright
maybe in that universe
but never in this one
the play is called
“will act for beer”
its about to begin
theres about 60- 70 people in here
in this pub
in this bar
in this micro-cosmic moment
nevets rubs his eyes
wow the lead actor looks just like me he thinks
um im sorry ladies n gentlemen
says the actor with the white beard n suntan
uh noah turner hasnt shown up and we’re gonna cancel tonite
much restless sighing from the crowd
bullshit! ventures a wag
(handsome olde devil thinks nevets)
he starts arguing with the crowd about refunds when
some other actor
(but not noah turner)
shambles onstage menacingly
why its sebastian goldspink
the actor who played jerry in zoo story
that play nevets was in
but sebastian seems to have mutated into a permanent “jerry”
he tells everybody to shut the fuck up
1st actor : im sorry the play is cancelled…
2nd : not now baybee…(he laughs)
some of the crowd cheer
1st : excuse me but…
2 : why …whatdidjado..?
a bit of sniggering from the crowd
2 : listen robert de niro…i know my part, ok
1 : you know your part?
2 : and yours….wanna hear some?
1 : ha! as if you would know my part…
2 : yeah as if…..ok
he declaims a large chunk of dialogue
1st actor really seems embarrassed now
the crowd calls out to let jerry act
1 : you want me to do it with….him?
the crowd roar out a huge yes
1 : but i mean…..cmon…he doesnt..
crowd start to heckle
2 : cmon gimme a chance
1 : let me ask tony who manages this place….
from the back of the crowd comes a “sallright wimme!”
2 : do you know your part?
1 : me?
2 : yeah you..youre acting like a man who dont want
this play to go on
1 : thats ridiculous, i assure you that….
2 : well are you ready?
1 : are you?
2 : ive started already havent i?
1 : i know you, dont i?
2 : maybe…but i doubt it
1 : no you shouldve said yes
2 : no i shoulda said maybe
1 : i was asking the real you
2 : oh the real me huh?
1 ; yes ..as opposed to the you in the play
2 : but i am this role….i am actor 2 personified
1 : but jerry…
2 : dont call me jerry mister…jerrys dead
1 : i ..uh..
2 : dont mention that name round here no more
1 : but this is extraordinary..i mean
2 : ok i guess we need some kinda explanation about here
1 : arent you supposed to….?
2 : do that other bit with the chair? nah…im skipping it
1 : dont you ever stick to the script?
2 : nope…so dont expect it…ok?
1 : so definitely not gonna stand on the chair?
2 : if you really want me to…just for you
1 : its not for me…its for them
(melodramatically gestures to audience)
the audience shuffle about awkwardly
2 : do you lot really want the chair?
1 : how would they know…they havent seen the play yet
2 : well its just that i get up on this chair…
1 : its not just….its the most important thing in the beginning
2 :except for you
1 : except for me…yes…ha ha
2 : anyway while im up on the chair..
1 : do we even have the chair here…
audience calls for the chair
tony the manager brings a chair up on stage
1 : ha ha …go on…!
2 : im not getting up on that chair there
1 : well we cant do the play then..
audience cry out in anger n frustration
2 : you know damn well thats not the right kinda chair
1 : then maybe you arent the right kind of actor for this play
2 : and maybe i could method act a punch on the nose for ya
he menaces 1, weaving and ducking
1 : im not in this to get punched
someone in the crowd screams “hit ‘im!!”
2 : i oughtta knock yer lines into ya!
1 : im sorry…did i forget that bit where…?
2 : yes you did and now we’re in the wrong place
suddenly a big lady in the audience calls out
(who is an actor planted)
lady : get on with it!
1 and 2 : what?
lady : you bloody heard me! GET ON WITH IT!
1 : excuse me madam but…
2 : how about a nice bit of shut the fuck up!
lady : get on with it you mugs
1 : madam…this is it!
2 : well almost…
1 : its almost it…!
lady : its bullshit swhat it is!
nevets yeblik walks into a bar