posted on March 16, 2007 at 9:06 pm

nevets yeblik walks into a bar
no that cant be right
nevets yeblik never walks into a bar
he walks into mirrors
he walks into a mirror in a bar
he is standing there
drinking lemon lime n bitters
hes come to see a play hes written
oh yes nevets yeblik the playwright
maybe in that universe
but never in this one
the play is called
“will act for beer”
its about to begin
theres about 60- 70 people in here
in this pub
in this bar
in this micro-cosmic moment
nevets rubs his eyes
wow the lead actor looks just like me he thinks
um im sorry ladies n gentlemen
says the actor with the white beard n suntan
uh noah turner hasnt shown up and we’re gonna cancel tonite
much restless sighing from the crowd
bullshit! ventures a wag
the actor
(handsome olde devil thinks nevets)
seems embarrassed
he starts arguing with the crowd about refunds when
some other actor
(but not noah turner)
shambles onstage menacingly
why its sebastian goldspink
the actor who played jerry in zoo story
that play nevets was in
but sebastian seems to have mutated into a permanent “jerry”
he tells everybody to shut the fuck up
1st actor : im sorry the play is cancelled…
2nd : not now baybee…(he laughs)
some of the crowd cheer
1st : excuse me but…
2 : why …whatdidjado..?
a bit of sniggering from the crowd
2 : listen robert de niro…i know my part, ok
1 : you know your part?
2 : and yours….wanna hear some?
1 : ha! as if you would know my part…
2 : yeah as if…..ok
he declaims a large chunk of dialogue
1st actor really seems embarrassed now
the crowd calls out to let jerry act
1 : you want me to do it with….him?
the crowd roar out a huge yes
1 : but i mean…..cmon…he doesnt..
crowd start to heckle
2 : cmon gimme a chance
1 : let me ask tony who manages this place….
from the back of the crowd comes a “sallright wimme!”
2 : do you know your part?
1 : me?
2 : yeah you..youre acting like a man who dont want
this play to go on
1 : thats ridiculous, i assure you that….
2 : well are you ready?
1 : are you?
2 : ive started already havent i?
1 : i know you, dont i?
2 : maybe…but i doubt it
1 : no you shouldve said yes
2 : no i shoulda said maybe
1 : i was asking the real you
2 : oh the real me huh?
1 ; yes ..as opposed to the you in the play
2 : but i am this role….i am actor 2 personified
1 : but jerry…
2 : dont call me jerry mister…jerrys dead
1 : i ..uh..
2 : dont mention that name round here no more
1 : but this is extraordinary..i mean
2 : ok i guess we need some kinda explanation about here
1 : arent you supposed to….?
2 : do that other bit with the chair? nah…im skipping it
1 : dont you ever stick to the script?
2 : nope…so dont expect it…ok?
1 : so definitely not gonna stand on the chair?
2 : if you really want me to…just for you
1 : its not for me…its for them
(melodramatically gestures to audience)
the audience shuffle about awkwardly
2 : do you lot really want the chair?
1 : how would they know…they havent seen the play yet
2 : well its just that i get up on this chair…
1 : its not just….its the most important thing in the beginning
2 :except for you
1 : except for me…yes…ha ha
2 : anyway while im up on the chair..
1 : do we even have the chair here…
audience calls for the chair
tony the manager brings a chair up on stage
1 : ha ha …go on…!
2 : im not getting up on that chair there
1 : well we cant do the play then..
audience cry out in anger n frustration
2 : you know damn well thats not the right kinda chair
1 : then maybe you arent the right kind of actor for this play
2 : and maybe i could method act a punch on the nose for ya
he menaces 1, weaving and ducking
1 : im not in this to get punched
someone in the crowd screams “hit ‘im!!”
2 : i oughtta knock yer lines into ya!
1 : im sorry…did i forget that bit where…?
2 : yes you did and now we’re in the wrong place
suddenly a big lady in the audience calls out
(who is an actor planted)
lady : get on with it!
1 and 2 : what?
lady : you bloody heard me! GET ON WITH IT!
1 : excuse me madam but…
2 : how about a nice bit of shut the fuck up!
lady : get on with it you mugs
1 : madam…this is it!
2 : well almost…
1 : its almost it…!
lady : its bullshit swhat it is!

30 Responses to “”

  1. avatar
    kat | 16 March 2007 at 9:14 pm #

    ha ha ! funny churchster ;]=~~

  2. avatar
    syrinx | 16 March 2007 at 9:26 pm #

    scrambled eggs

  3. avatar
    veleska1970 | 16 March 2007 at 9:47 pm #

    HA HA HA HA HA…..this was a hoot. thanks for the “end of a long day” laugh. i needed it. this is how my life feels sometimes~~scripted, but then freestyle, too. a weird juxtaposition, methinks.

  4. avatar
    Anonymous | 16 March 2007 at 9:53 pm #

    Gee, that fat lady heckler is making another appearance in yer blog sk, get rid of her!!!!!

    Have a beautiful weekend.
    love Amanda
    P.S. I listened to the ABC interview too yesterday, I never thought I’d hear you singalong to Unguarded Moment like that, soooo cute!!

  5. avatar
    fantasticandy | 16 March 2007 at 10:06 pm #

    arrggh!
    veg diet is doing me in.
    feeling real rough.
    is this cold turkey?
    i’ll soon be having a chat with vishnu at this rate!
    luv,
    andy L.

  6. avatar
    mattdavison | 16 March 2007 at 10:08 pm #

    It’s like the marque say’s ‘One night at the stage………….

    You wanna live for ever but ya don’t wanna age.

    nice story killa.

    Been in films and tv many times..but never really the theatre, still not sure after that..

  7. avatar
    the dean | 16 March 2007 at 10:28 pm #

    actor 1 is hit by a rotten tomato, followed by a barage of assorted fruit and veg, thus the vegan critics call down their judgement.

  8. avatar
    Anonymous | 16 March 2007 at 10:28 pm #

    What ho…a bit of improv!

    B.Bon

  9. avatar
    Centuryhouse | 16 March 2007 at 10:32 pm #

    Brilliant 🙂

  10. avatar
    Samosanx | 16 March 2007 at 10:51 pm #

    very vaudeville, go fat lady…(the eternal fool character)…where’s my popcorn?

    and who is the puppetmeister?

  11. avatar
    CeciliaGin | 16 March 2007 at 11:14 pm #

    …sounds like a dream you were having or every other Crunch gig!

  12. avatar
    ed in fl | 16 March 2007 at 11:16 pm #

    Not to go off topic or anything (this is a blog run by a rock star)…isn’t the church’s rendition of cortez the killer the absolute greatest use of feedback in a rock song? Vocals not too shabby either…

    ed in fl

  13. avatar
    fina | 17 March 2007 at 12:59 am #

    For Mr. Kilbey as well as for anyone else out there interested in reading some insightful news (some re. the war in Iraq) see:
    http://www.commondreams.org

    Fina

  14. avatar
    CAPTAIN BEYOND | 17 March 2007 at 2:43 am #

    you forgot to title today’s bloggy, or did you??? Happy St. Patty’s day just for me…
    Shamrock

  15. avatar
    belfrank | 17 March 2007 at 4:53 am #

    Happy St Pats Nevets!

    We got 10 inches of snow here! All white and no green.

    Spoke to Nicky See More – he still loves yer blog.
    His new band Crowded something are doing their first show on line from Rael Gabriel’s Real World studio – tune in on noon Sunday Ur time – http://www.farewelltotheworld.com

    Belfy

  16. avatar
    *tamtavosind* | 17 March 2007 at 5:35 am #

    Meet these and you will understand basic physicology
    ……………………………..

    self -actualisation

    aesthetic needs

    cognitive needs

    Esteem needs

    Belongingness and love needs

    Safety needs

    Phycological needs

    The Church needs

    ……………………………..

  17. avatar
    isolde | 17 March 2007 at 5:37 am #

    see nevets the roar of the greasepaint and the smell of the crowd its callin you back isntit?

    is it nick and the crowded somethings? or crowds and the nicked something? no no its housie housie and the knickered crowds!

    or knackered?

  18. avatar
    wamp | 17 March 2007 at 5:38 am #

    the ceeerrch fires up my noradrenaline man.

  19. avatar
    don joe | 17 March 2007 at 10:18 am #

    FIRSTLY, IT’S FUNNY HOW THE COMMENTS INCREASE WHEN SOME CONTROVERSY COMES ALONG FROM EITHER THE BLOG MEISTER OR SOME OF THE MINIONS (WHO NEVER HAVE AN OPINION). IT’S FREEDOM OF SPEECH THAT THE MUSE ETC IS ALLOWING TO COMMUNICATE WITH US HERE, RESPECT THAT FREEDOM OR WE WILL BE IN THE TORTURERS CHAMBER FOR ETERNITY. I BELIEVE HE RESPECTS YOUR’S TO AND IF NEED BE HE WILL VENT HIS SPLEEN IF HE HAS TO IN RESPONSE TO THE MALARKEY (THANKS FOR THE SPELL CHECK BOSS:). SO BE IT AND RIGHT OF REPLY IS THERE. NOT ALL WILL SEE EYE TO EYE AND AGREE ON ALL THINGS. THAT IS ONE OF THE INSTRINSIC THINGS THAT KEEPS US AS INDIVIDUALS AND I’M GLAD IT IS SO. BUT UNITED WE CAN BREED A BETTER REALM OF UNDERSTANDING. IT’S JUST ALLOWING OTHERS THERE RIGHT TO AN OPINION AS IT IS AN INALIENABLE RIGHT WE HAVE AS PEOPLE.
    SECONDLY, THE BLOG TODAY WAS OUT OF THE BAG GENIOUS. AGAIN IT’S A POINT OF ENVY THAT YOU HAVE SUCH AN INATE ABILITY TO PROSE FORTH AND RELAY SUCH DEPTH OF DESCRIPTION IN SO FEW WORDS IT IS SPINE TINGLING. AND I DO WISH FOR THE VOLUME THAT IS COMPLETE OF SUCH TREASURES (VELVET AND LEATHER OR SPUN SILK AND MAGEWEAVE).
    ALSO, THE BLOG FROM YESTERDAY SUMS IT UP. BE WHAT YOU WANT TO BE TO DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO TO HAVE WHAT YOU WANT TO HAVE. IT HAS HARDENED MY DESIRE TO DO JUST THAT AND I KNOW IT IS NEVER TOO LATE.
    ALL THE BEST TO YOU ALL FOR FUTURE CREATIONS IN THE LIFE YOU WANT.

    ML,
    DON JOE.

    apologies for the caps…

  20. avatar
    Symon | 17 March 2007 at 11:17 am #

    Actors 1 and 2…”Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them”…..however I’m very interested in the opinion of nevets yeblik to all this….after all…he was the playwright and he did make the time to see his play.

    maybe nevets yeblik should apply his playwright skills in this universe….rather than the other one….just to see wot happens.

  21. avatar
    Tim | 17 March 2007 at 12:20 pm #

    On with the show! I love theatre. I love the stage! It’s magical! There is nothing quite like it, working the boards, being someone else and yourself all at the same time. That instant response from the audience.

    I’ve got what I think is a great concept for a play, its probably already been done somewhere but…
    its a band on stage and the play is just the banter between songs, but there are no songs really, just quick musical interludes between scenes and it centres around band politics, friendships, creative struggles, label conflicts, all the things I’m sure you have been experienced…jeez you could write it in your sleep probably..you’re an exceptional writer Mr. Kilbey…there are stories to tell…your lyrics are not specific, left to interpatation. Imagine what you could do in the theatre as a playwright. I’d watch that show…damn I’d pay money to be a simple stage hand, moving objects on and off the stage. Make sure there was enough water in the green room.
    Ah…I can see it now…”Heyday – The Broadway Musical” jus kidding.

    Tim.

    P.S. Veg (again) for over a month. Feel great. Thanks S.K. for reminding my why I did it all in the first place.

  22. avatar
    Anonymous | 17 March 2007 at 1:21 pm #

    keep trying …. that sucked

  23. avatar
    restaurant mark | 17 March 2007 at 3:03 pm #

    silly fella aren’t ya? like it…

  24. avatar
    Lx | 17 March 2007 at 3:20 pm #

    “keep trying that sucked”
    fools bouncing off a four-wall padded room
    i love how the roaches COME to the light.
    shouldn’t it be the opposite?
    in any case,
    autumn has come to the southern.
    hunker down for winter? or going on tour?
    cheers, either way
    from the States.

  25. avatar
    davem | 17 March 2007 at 4:32 pm #

    I’ve walked into a few mirrors after last orders.
    Cheery day and funny blog.
    Hope that fat gal in the audience is absent from Brighton and London.

  26. avatar
    Anonymous | 17 March 2007 at 7:22 pm #

    its amazing, the psyche of the comments on this here blog….for the last round of weekly posts i feel utterly uninspired to take part in any kind of controversial discussion…it all goes round and round and round…I could sleep through this Age…to each their own…But i don’t believe in progress…ive already seen the writin on the wall…DONT THINK I NEED ANYTHING AT ALL…NO!!!! nuthin at all…And i aint looking for anything in anyones eyes…James Dee Muckleroy in Austin Texas ( and the only fuckin reason i’m still ANON is purely technical and functional )

  27. avatar
    syrinx | 17 March 2007 at 8:24 pm #

    I keep waking up from dreams I’ve been on a reality show lately.

    What the hell is up with THAT?

    Yours,

    syrinx

  28. avatar
    stealthblue | 17 March 2007 at 8:42 pm #

    So she struck again, eh? That nasty BEEAATCH!!

    “The Oaffette…Part EEWWW, Case of the Nocturnal Noodge”

    Happy St. Pat’s, everyone.
    Be safe, what ever you do.
    Cheers to you all…even the bitter creeps.
    Peace,
    Ben V

  29. avatar
    stealthblue | 17 March 2007 at 8:47 pm #

    Oh, hey FINA,
    thanks for that link, pretty wild stuff.

  30. avatar
    Anonymous | 19 March 2007 at 8:31 pm #

    Your welcome stealthblue-keep reading it gets more wild.

    Fina


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