posted on June 9, 2008 at 8:56 pm

hunkered down under the perma-fog
get up early
smoke a joint on the balc
gonna write a blog
what about?
i dunno yet
i cant even get the italics to work
i cant cut or paste
i cant slash and burn
i get led away easily
dont sleep well
the taxman is still patiently waiting
the unanswered letters remain that way
im a stupid bull(y) in an expensive china shoppe
yelling bluffing bucking and snorting
it feels good to admit my shortcomings
how did they pack so much into one man?
i am alternatively hyper-aware or thick as a brick
i am becoming deaf as a post 991
and blind as a (cricket) bat
the outside is harder for me to apprehend these days
i detect patterns of everything going right
and everything going wrong
currents of loathing and loving swirl around me
secrets and gossip and suspicions and implications
i can never make myself understood
only about 10 people in the whole wide world i feel comfortable with
all the others are getting an act
whoops steven youre falling out of character
for him your this way
for her your that way
for this other him your something else
for the other her your something less
see…?!! you can lose track of who you are that way
sometimes after meeting some people
earthy types
straight shooters
men of few words
i see them stride away thinking
i never wanna talk to that fool again
either gushing or sulkily silent
this weekend….
gotta deal with a loada strangers
whats p.c.? what isnt p.c.?
for example i know the dalai eats meat….?!
i just come straight from the vegan do….all fired up
relax…i aint gonna get to meet the druid
what do you say to that guy?
hi …err dalai…oh can i call you dal?
so you liked starfish?
er…hows it goin’ with china…these days..uh huh.oh really?
still …you see what i’m saying
personally i dont care what any of em do
i want to make a big olde fortune
(hey i’d be a wonderful heir….)
i want one of them big old houses in lavender bay
where its leafy and quiet
where i could hide in my library on days like these
winter days full of discontent
padded on all sides and every direction by money
i would doze in my armchair and dream of a world
i would banish noise from my plush secluded room
you might see me
a shadowy lonely figure in the window of some great house
staring out at the foggy harbour
as i stroke my faithful abyssinian cat
you would wonder who that rich distant man is
and you would wonder at my silent austere days
separated in my warm rooms from the rampaging rabble
no damp
no bills
no rent
no gigs
no flights
no can you change this
or please dont do thats
no one could reach me
hidden in my labyrinth of rooms
i do yoga as the rain falls down and down
the leaves are green and rubbery around my tower windows
i look in the mirror and see that im changing
an old man with hollow cheeks i am
dabbling in magic from my grimoires
becoming stranger and stranger day by day
unable to tell the true life apart
i am the unlonely
content in my own company
still the blasted rain falls
i watch from my tower as people scramble below
i know nothing of their worlds
i am up here changing lead into gold
i am up here invoking black angels
i am up here singing up the storm electric
i am up here the austral faust
as the money pours in and my powers grow
i practice qi gong for hours
i find i can hold my breath for 45 minutes
i find i can locate hidden doors
i become aware of ….other things
theres a knock knock knocking at my door
it vaguely penetrates my transmagical trance
i hear the servant send whoever it was away brusquely
i hear the door close
i imagine the footsteps away in the deluge
i imagine or do i hear a car start up and drive away
there is no northern hemisphere
there is no internet
there is no melbourne or perth
there is no surrounding patina of suburbs
the fog on the harbour blurs everything to silver grey
the rainfall drowns all other sound
its continual and continuous
the rain streaks across my windows driven by the winds
northern gales
southerly busters
howling incessant demanding
inside my fire glows
i poke at its glowing coals
i watch the flaming armies for hours
i have no need to eat
occasionally i sip at water
i sleep for centuries
i grow horns
and great leathery wings
finally a lovely tail
which writhes around of its own accord
i climb up to the top of my tower
and i fly
away into the turbulent sky

33 Responses to “a winters tail”

  1. avatar
    Anonymous | 9 June 2008 at 11:02 pm #

    wow .:) x

  2. avatar
    princey | 9 June 2008 at 11:17 pm #

    “the name of this Tower, is Tranquillity…..” I could really picture you there sk, so alone but so at home.

    The “gushing” thing, how does a fiend control that?. I can’t seem to help it when you’re around sk, I hope you don’t mean what you said about melby (no, no I’m not sulking either!!)
    Lots of love always,
    Amanda

  3. avatar
    Polydora | 10 June 2008 at 1:08 am #

    Drude, you just described the ‘home’ I’ve been searching for all this lifetime.

  4. avatar
    kat | 10 June 2008 at 1:54 am #

    sk,

    that was really cool, making my monday salvageable.

    a few years back this guy i dated called me a heathen. probably because i detest conforming to what other people think i should be doing, saying, or they rely on me for a gilt trip control thing.

    i would see if i could fly but i want smooth sailing, less turbulance.

    onward tuesday..

    ;]

  5. avatar
    Zorro 10-15 | 10 June 2008 at 2:01 am #

    Don’t take it for gospel, but from what I heard a true master is supercedent to many of the ill effects less evolved beings experience from gross carnal acts as they have harnessed the ability to percieve the Universal force behind every atom of creation. So being, Let’s through another Llama on the Barbie!

  6. avatar
    JJ | 10 June 2008 at 2:28 am #

    I like rainy winter days. They’re…..relaxed; no screaming urgency to attend to. A soft sofa, raindrops on windows, drifting away until the book falls softly on the chest, into that nether-zone between consciousness and sleep, where reality is blurred and I’m blissfully immune to the buzzing, erratic stimuli of no consequence whatsoever.

    I like that state at times.

  7. avatar
    heather | 10 June 2008 at 3:22 am #

    aahhh….so like the mists of Avalon, disappearing from the view of this base and purile world….but not gone

    thanks again for our reverie nevets

    xx

  8. avatar
    captain mission | 10 June 2008 at 6:39 am #

    mmm, that’s so much like the world i inhabit in my inner life, a wonderful place you took me to, the power of words….

  9. avatar
    ...being here, doing this... | 10 June 2008 at 6:48 am #

    “whoops steven youre falling out of character
    for him your this way
    for her your that way
    for this other him your something else
    for the other her your something less
    see…?!! you can lose track of who you are that way”

    .

    Says the Great Hum to the young Dalai Lama…

    “Once you’re free from bondage to your face, you’ll be able to take on as many faces as you like – not just two or three but a thousand. The more faces you assume, the more your expression will remain the same.

    You are faced with contradictory feelings about your role and will remain so until you can assume any mask the world places upon you and wear it with ease. Only them will your own divine countenance shine through.”

    From – Tales of a Dalai Lama

  10. avatar
    Anonymous | 10 June 2008 at 6:49 am #

    I’m tipped into a melancholy of sorts….a longing for lost times and possibilities. I share your view of the Lavender Bay idyll…I met the exquisitely talented Brett Whitely once there outside his house as I was eating my lunch on the steps leading to the train tracks. Now….there was one who burned brightly (and not just because he was a redhead!) I think you two would have had a lot to talk about.

    Here’s a little link that may lift some of the fog…

    http://www.artnewsblog.com/archives/2006_11_01_archive.htm

    Adieu,

    B.Bon

  11. avatar
    golden thorn in my paw | 10 June 2008 at 6:51 am #

    that sounds really good a loud.

  12. avatar
    ...being here, doing this... | 10 June 2008 at 7:02 am #

    for example i know the dalai eats meat….?!

    .

    Another interesting perspective…

    “Many people who eat meat have a relationship with Life that is reverent, and that respects the natural exchange of energy between the domains of Life on the Earth—such as mineral, vegetable, and animal.” – Zukav

  13. avatar
    Leelinau | 10 June 2008 at 7:35 am #

    aye

    concur
    ^_^

  14. avatar
    Anonymous | 10 June 2008 at 8:19 am #

    …a girl n a sailor,n a vegie burger trailer…thats their holy grail.-god. 😉

  15. avatar
    Anonymous | 10 June 2008 at 9:53 am #

    “And you can hear those weirdos sing…”

    But this is exactly how you should be living and, if it wasn’t for this blog, how a lot of us probably thought you were living. If only GAF hadn’t been straight from the factory…If…if…if…

  16. avatar
    Hellbound Heart | 10 June 2008 at 11:43 am #

    …well we’ve got a tin roof and i absolutely love the sound of the rain falling on it…especially on cold nights or mornings when i have nothing urgent to get out of bed for…
    don’t you hate when you’ve gotta put your best foot foward and paste a smile on your face in a room of people that you either hardly know or don’t know at all…did this a couple of weekends ago at a relative’s birthday party and i ended up almost having a stand up argument with a rich arrogant dickhead and i went home with a headache that would have killed a small child…eurgh…
    love always…

  17. avatar
    Thomas Thomsen, Denmark | 10 June 2008 at 1:38 pm #

    One of those blogs that I could really identify with, Steve. I’ve always been a bit of a loner at heart, and I understand that need to hide away from this overwhelming, incomprehensible world. I remenmber reading somewhere that someone once described a cynic as a disillusioned romantic, which I loved. Maybe that goes for us “loners”, too?

  18. avatar
    Anonymous | 10 June 2008 at 2:21 pm #

    You’re not a dragon Steven Kilbey.
    Wrestling with yourself is normal for what you do, but who wins? Just part of the process. Earlier in your career you wrestled with attitudes, not just your own. Don’t feel bad about all the bruises along the way, especially your own. They heal if they are allowed, and they make character, and that could make songs all those strangers might buy, and you can get all that money. But you’ll still wrestle with yourself, that’s normal, for many people.

  19. avatar
    Brien Comerford | 10 June 2008 at 2:21 pm #

    I am a full-blown loner, elusive and reclusive who can totally relate to today’s blog.

    Sk is correct about the Dalai Lama. Gandhi remains the idyllic man of peace, nonviolence, ethnic reconciliation, human rights, religious harmony, animal rights and ethical vegetarianism.

    The Dalai Lama still does merit international accolades for his pacifism and goodwill.

    Does Sk really have a cat ?

  20. avatar
    CSTCoach | 10 June 2008 at 2:59 pm #

    ahh, that tower room, the silence, the books… It’s my aspiration as well.

    don’t be surprised if the ole dalai llama actually does like starfish. after everything was a surprise hit with the passengers of a tibetan minibus between shigatse and gyantse when i passed around my headphones a few years back…

  21. avatar
    knot | 10 June 2008 at 3:11 pm #

    lovely

    also, remember our screaming carrot?
    http://www.nytimes.com/2008/06/10/science/10plant.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1&th&emc=th

  22. avatar
    ScaughtFive | 10 June 2008 at 3:19 pm #

    The outside is harder to apprehend these days, innit? I have endeavored to make myself more misunderstood in response to this state of affairs. I keep a clean head and carry a lightbulb.

  23. avatar
    Noah | 10 June 2008 at 3:25 pm #

    Wow, that one snuck up on you. What a trip.

  24. avatar
    Lian | 10 June 2008 at 3:32 pm #

    Steve, I do really hope someday, there will be a person can do a research about your blog.

    This is not only a dairy.

  25. avatar
    fantasticandy | 10 June 2008 at 5:34 pm #

    it’s scorching here!
    you didn’t whip speedily around the world overnight did you….
    leaving old blighty in your firey wake?
    andy L.

  26. avatar
    verdelay | 10 June 2008 at 8:51 pm #

    Lian, you are quite right. It’s vegan all the way around these parts.

  27. avatar
    davem | 10 June 2008 at 8:56 pm #

    Save it for a few years yet SK? The world without your gigs and music would be too bleak for me to contemplate.
    xx

  28. avatar
    Anonymous | 11 June 2008 at 12:35 am #

    Watch our for that superior being thing in the context of Australia, you declare you are English, and you might not have noticed, but vegans or not, the English are sophisticated conquerers, and they did a lot of damage one way or another by doing the superior being thing in Australia. They live in towers, looking down on the rest of us. Being insecure is one thing, being arrogant, ignorant, next step white Australia.
    Sorry, but, self-pity is a big part of white Australia too.
    Where are you going SK? At least, being English, male, white, you have choices many others have not. Make them carefully, thoughtfully, that is what people expect from you, nothing more.

  29. avatar
    eek | 11 June 2008 at 1:18 am #

    i cant even get the italics to work
    i cant cut or paste

    I can’t help but laugh reading this. I have an ibook…you know how macs are supposed to be so easy and all intuitive? Intuitive my ass…I can’t figure out how to make the damned thing do much of anything. It is adorable, but I swear it’s going to drive me nuts. Grrr!!

    Now that I got that little rant out of the way…

    I have my own version of the “if I was stinking rich” fantasy and although the specifics differ the core part of not having to deal with all these things I’ve never really been good at dealing with is amazingly similar. Mine isn’t nearly as poetically written though — it would most likely read “I wanna be stinking rich so I can move somewhere I don’t have to put up with all this crap.” 🙂

  30. avatar
    lily was here | 11 June 2008 at 6:33 am #

    Great segue Steve.

    Dont let the taxman get his hands on your grimoires!

    xxx

    ps an abyssinian cat named Stumpy lived with me in the 80s. Not a very exotic name, but he had no tale.

  31. avatar
    iseult | 11 June 2008 at 1:05 pm #

    how about just being enigmatically silent, a slight mona lisa-ish smile, short questions, a lot of listening rather than speaking, eye contact (even if glazed), hand shaking, try it, a deadset social anxiety beater I guarantee

  32. avatar
    wat tyler | 11 June 2008 at 2:04 pm #

    Hey, I’m English, male and white – I’m also working class. That means I have less power and social status in this country than any & every black female who happens to be middle class. It’s ain’t colour or gender that holds you down in this poxy country. Also, being working class, neither I nor any of my ancestors have conquered ANYthing. The English ruling classes may have – but they are only a tiny minority and DON’T represent ‘the English’.

  33. avatar
    lily was here | 12 June 2008 at 11:38 am #

    they had some important link i could never fathom
    same as the letters j and f

    I forgot to say, that’s because they’re your home keys … you were meant to blog y’see


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