posted on January 3, 2011 at 4:10 pm

saw this film called alexander starring colin farrell


to me

and after all what would i know

i see alexander as this mercurial charismatic complicated cat

hes fucking handsome but hes weird

someone unusual someone you wouldnt meet everyday

hes a intuitive genius but hes also seduced by babylonian decadence

hes been taught  by aristotle one of the worlds finest minds

he is familiar with esoteric and arcane magic rituals

he is never unnecessarily brutal

he is courteous to his enemies if they play ball with him

he is an enigma

we can see what he did but we dont really know much about him

but whatever he was

he was something out of the ordinary


now we have the actor playing alex

this man with his blond mullet

is the very opposite of everything i wrote up there

more like a footy hooligan or a member of deaf leopard

a total ham fisted ballsup

the music is atrocious

in indian rainforests when it all had gone bad

the fucking music if there had to be music

should represent that

the dislocation the madness the ruins of ecstasy

but we hear the same old star wars-y stuff

the 1850s english charge trumpets etc you know the one like in avatar

the things the people say are awkward

no one has the slightest conviction

a bunch of big name actors dressed up silly on  some location

the ancient world was not apprehended

alexanders mystique never approached

the sheer alien zeitgeist

the way it all went to his head

man this was a story to be told

but this is like a western with blokes in togas n eyeliner

they say old alex the g may have been gay

i guess he may have had some strange female -like allure

sorry colin  could never be gay

hes as butch as a meat pie

in the silly men kissing men scenes its embarrassing

mrs pitt is there as his naughty pushy mummy

funnily enough shes the only one talking in a greek accent

well it sounded more russian

but the sentiment was there

the others all speak with irish accents …oh come on!

might as well have made em all fucking aussies then

it just ruins the effect at least colins does

when he meets his conquered foes daughter a princess

i half expected him to say top o the morning to ya!

theres a cool looking guy who ends up on the end of colins spear

he looks like he should be in nine inch nails or something


all that money

all that history

all that magic

all that tragedy

all that destruction

all that decadence

and still

they couldnt get an even halfway decent film outta it

they shoulda asked me


it would have been a zillion times better at least

rating : an ancient turkey

47 Responses to “alexander grates/ ancient turkey”

  1. avatar
    Ryan | 3 January 2011 at 4:36 pm #

    Oh jeez 🙁 Thanks Killa, will give that one a miss.

    Did ya ever read The Campaigns of Alexander by Arrian? Better than any holly-would film that’s for sure. It’s unfortunate that the technology finally exists to re-create a bit of that world, but the vision is completely lacking.

    • avatar
      thetimebeing | 3 January 2011 at 6:33 pm #

      youve hit the nail on the head ryan!

    • avatar
      eekie | 3 January 2011 at 6:43 pm #

      But Ryan…I wouldn’t film that kind of crap! (guess that makes it a holly-wouldn’t film, aye?) 😉

    • avatar
      lily was here | 8 January 2011 at 10:29 pm #

      Exactly Ryan and SK.
      Colin Farrell is just wrong. They originally wanted Heath Ledger (an aussie who COULD’VE played it right if he were alive, and portrayed him a bi-sexual convincingly)

  2. avatar
    eekie | 3 January 2011 at 4:38 pm #

    “when he meets his conquered foes daughter a princess
    i half expected him to say top o the morning to ya!”


    I love your movie reviews!

  3. avatar
    Broken Dreams and Shattered Lives | 3 January 2011 at 5:15 pm #

    Couldn’t agree more Steve. I also thought they got carried away with the gay stuff. I am married so certainly not an expert!!! Star wars actually has some gay references also if you know what to look for. Enjoyed the blog as always.
    Yours Truly,

    Doogie H.

  4. avatar
    onticsofton | 3 January 2011 at 5:31 pm #

    I beg to differ on your account of how Alexander was . It is very idealized.I read accounts of their relationship. Aristotle thought Alexander was un-reachable (in any higher sense). Alexander absorbed what he could use from Aristotle, but he could never cross the chasm of the brute lust for power and dominion to the other side of pure contemplation . .He was no where near a Philosopher, or even a serious student of it. He never was inclined to go there. He was the equivalent of a Hamfisted mullet wearing MEATHEAD. Maybe a very clever pre-machiavellian one, but he was still light years from a real Philosopher. As if you can take a Mule to racehorse school and get him to run like Man o War or secretariat. A Mule is a mule is a mule. Alexander was a clever and determined mule.

  5. avatar
    Jack | 3 January 2011 at 5:34 pm #

    I couldn’t watch the whole film. Another hamfisted attempt at history by Mr. Stone.

  6. avatar
    hellbound heart | 3 January 2011 at 5:58 pm #

    …….so you’re saying it’s a dud? 🙂

    love always…..

  7. avatar
    davem | 3 January 2011 at 6:12 pm #

    Following on from yesterday’s film did Angelina get it with the candlestick in his extensive library?
    Oooeeerrrrr Mr Humphries!

    • avatar
      hellbound heart | 3 January 2011 at 7:02 pm #

      you naughty naughty boy!! 😉

  8. avatar
    princey | 3 January 2011 at 6:35 pm #

    I agree totally sk, I couldn’t even watch the whole thing….Angie’n’Colin’s accents grated on me like nails scraping down a blackboard, i coulda done a better job!………Rating: Total CRAPPPPPPPP!!!

    now to read that last blog, AGAIN!

  9. avatar
    Stephen John Moir | 3 January 2011 at 7:57 pm #

    There’s a film on at a local cinema just now which, when I saw the review spiel, I instantly thought might appeal to you. It’s called ‘Uncle Boonmee Who Can Recall His Past Lives’ and was apparently a fave of Tim Burton at Cannes 2010 (and actually won the Palme d’Or).

  10. avatar
    cce | 3 January 2011 at 8:01 pm #

    If only they sent the films to you to score–but as we know, foolish Hollywood won’t touch you with a pole.

    c escherbach, canada

  11. avatar
    veleska1970 | 3 January 2011 at 10:02 pm #

    i think i was able to manage about 20 minutes of it before i changed the channel…..

  12. avatar
    Patrick | 3 January 2011 at 11:28 pm #

    I have not seen this, but i do know it has been re edited at least two times. There’s a directors cut and a final cut if I’m not mistaken. A turkey is still a turkey, no matter how you carve it.

  13. avatar
    John | 4 January 2011 at 1:11 am #

    Yep, I didn’t like it either, although I must admit that for me it was one of those perfect films for furnishing your own lines for the characters for a good chuckle, like great fodder for MST3K.

  14. avatar
    BROKEN TOYS AND HEROS | 4 January 2011 at 1:16 am #


    Hollyweird has distorted history so often, makes you wonder if they are actually trying to ‘re-write’ it for the youth of today. Even the recent docos have been edited to just be another film. Its sad that our young adults are subjected to this, but we have the power to just sit them down and get them to: READ.

    Darrin K.

    • avatar
      Broken Dreams and Shattered Lives | 4 January 2011 at 7:30 am #

      Hollyweird….that is hilarious Darrin. You also have to be careful about what you let your children read, writers are often as biased as hollywood studios if you get my meaning. For example the Harry Potter books are riddled with homosexual references if you know what to look for.
      Yours Truly,
      Doogie H.

      • avatar
        BROKEN TOYS AND HEROS | 4 January 2011 at 10:59 am #

        Thanks BD & SL …
        Love the avatar also, if its not to personal-can you explain your call-sign and the pic.

        Darrin K.

        • avatar
          Broken Dreams and Shattered Lives | 4 January 2011 at 3:44 pm #

          It is too personal but thank you for asking.

          Yours Truly,
          Doogie H.

  15. avatar
    Freddie | 4 January 2011 at 1:35 am #

    I haven’t seen it but somehow I think I probably would have enjoyed this even more if I had. Hahaha.

  16. avatar
    evilren | 4 January 2011 at 1:55 am #

    Yes, they should of had you on the set Steve. Try and stay away from all this American dreck (although,
    I’m sure you were curious how they would make this).

  17. avatar
    THE BLOG POLICE | 4 January 2011 at 2:17 am #

    i actually chose to watch “cheap trick “at austin city limits instead..

  18. avatar
    Steven Krut | 4 January 2011 at 2:22 am #

    Yeah, that’s pretty much how I feel about that movie and really every attempt by Hollywood to portray the ancient world. Why do they bother if they’re only going to make a token effort to recreate the era?

    That AG was gay is really only speculation. He produced several children and had a harem of women so he couldn’t have been too gay. In reality, the entire concepts of gay and straight didn’t exist in the ancient world. AG may have had sex with other men, but if so, he wouldn’t have been any different from most men at the time, who pleasured themselves with whomever was stirring their loins at the moment. Most elite soldiers had young male apprentices/servants who … umm … provided more than one kind of service for their masters… Things were just very different back then.

  19. avatar
    Jonny Hollywood | 4 January 2011 at 5:02 am #

    let’s review LIFE BY THE DROP instead, any comments regarding the greatest show on earth 🙂

  20. avatar
    Andreas | 4 January 2011 at 5:57 am #

    Hi, I have not seen that film, I guess I am not too much into movies these days. I can’t seem to find anything interesting (pretty much like music I am afraid). If I could choose, I’d like to see that film about those people who lived in a dome… what was it???

  21. avatar
    Anonymous | 4 January 2011 at 7:23 am #

    Black Swan. Check it out. Broken toys is really smart or is trying to appear intelligent.

    • avatar
      BROKEN TOYS AND HEROS | 4 January 2011 at 10:57 am #

      Thanks Anon…
      I belive everyone attempts to ‘appear intelligent’ to slip and slide about in any social setting, I try to share with others whatever/whenever I can. I’m taking your advice and checking out Black Swan. Besides the fact that NP and MK are great to look at, I have been waiting for someone to help me decide to watch it. If any1 else can chime in positive/negative regarding this movie, I’d like the feedback.

      Darrin K.

  22. avatar
    post-punk rocker | 4 January 2011 at 8:16 am #

    Colin Farrell as Alexander the Great is like comparing Julian Cope’s songwriting as the “critical leader” of the band Uh! back in the day. Bollocks. Celebrity-status, phoney-fakeyness. “Uh” is surely right.

  23. avatar
    stealth blue | 4 January 2011 at 10:48 am #

    Hiya Steve!

    First of all…Happy New Year!! (Guess I have some catching up to do!!) Things certainly do appear quite “interesting” around here! 🙂 As always, I wish you the very best in life, love and general happiness. I just hope 2011 IS “The Year of The Church” as I believe my pal Darrin coined it!! Seriously, I always look forward to hearing what’s next for The Church, as a group and as individuals. I hope things are indeed good for ya, Killer.

    So, regarding this film you speak of…I do have to agree that it was total crap!! What bothered me the most was actually Angelina’s “hybrid” accent (aka: “the cluster fuck”)!! It was almost as bad as Keanu Reeves’ “British Accent” in Bram Stoker’s Dracula. It’s hard to decide which was worse!! Ha-ha!

    Anyway, just a little tid bit (speaking about Movies and Colin Farrell)…if you (or ANY of you peeps) haven’t seen it; DO check out “IN BRUGES”!! I just thought this was a well-crafted, albeit dark, film set in a beautiful back-drop…a real city called Bruge (or Brugge(s) depending on whom you ask). I’ve actually been to this town in Belgium, and was floored with this gorgeous city and its history.

    Hope you’re all having a great beginning to 2011. Wishing each of you the absolute very best…

    Ben V.

  24. avatar
    BROKEN TOYS AND HEROS | 4 January 2011 at 11:17 am #

    I really believe that Colin Farell is more suitable for roles that play to his skills as an actor. The film “In Bruges” from 2008. Its a small movie that did not get a lot of attention, except critical praise. Hell, I thought he was just creating dialogue as the director was filming. It’s hilarious in my opinion.

    Darrin K.

  25. avatar
    Brien Comerford | 4 January 2011 at 12:02 pm #

    ” A Serious Man ” was a really good movie. I noticed that people are concerned about readers who don’t comment. I used to be a prolific commentor for this great blog. Then I realized that many of my comments were either irrelevent to the blog or frankly self-serving. Hence, I am now a much less frequent commentor but I still read every Time Being Blog. I’m still amazed that SK had the patience to allow me to plug Jeff Beck on a regular basis. I finally realized myself that I was becoming a narcissistic Time Being commentor. That being said SK and JB have something in common. SK is a master vocalist while JB let’s his masterful guitar be his awesome voice. I just plugged him again. It’s better than plugging Angus Young.

    • avatar
      Lara | 5 January 2011 at 2:04 am #

      Totally agree about “A Serious Man.” Good stuff.

  26. avatar
    Lyndall | 4 January 2011 at 2:58 pm #

    Thanks for the tip… Such a waste that some Hollywood Goof-balls interprete or manipulate “stories” under the banner of “creativity / entertainment”. They should be more responsible as they are in fact dictating history to the masses that do not read history books (with any sort of authority) for themselves. I know it’s just a pipe-dream… Don’t get me started on Corporate Media! L x

  27. avatar
    andy | 4 January 2011 at 7:04 pm #

    mr stone has been trying to re-write history, (both ancient and modern) for decades!
    good review killer.

    • avatar
      BROKEN TOYS AND HEROS | 5 January 2011 at 12:15 am #

      Spot on Andy !!!! What he did to Lord Jim and that pathetic attempt at filmmaking was horrendous, it wasted Val Kilmer’s performance, which if directed with a better script, would be talked about for generations. Stone’s poor play in trying to be the next Coppola fall so many miles shot.

      Heart of Darkness…baby

      Darrin K.

      • avatar
        lily was here | 8 January 2011 at 10:37 pm #

        Was a shame as I think Kilmer’s a great actor who never seems to get the right part or director. Loved him in Kiss Kiss Bang Bang and The Salton Sea

  28. avatar
    Lara | 5 January 2011 at 2:02 am #


    for a translation of “The Letter of Alexander to Aristotle,” a bit of medieval rewriting of the Alexander legend, with cynocephali (dog-headed people), shaggy women, and three-headed fire-breathing serpents thrown in for a bit of exotic spice. It’s in the Beowulf manuscript.

  29. avatar
    Once | 5 January 2011 at 4:58 am #

    I didn’t see this film (lucky I guess), but love the sentiment. Gave up on Hollywood films long ago, the good ones are few and far between.

    At least the Lifetime Network is free, and you know you’re getting crap from the outset. 🙂

    My Uncle, who lives in L.A. and is rather ancient himself, emailed me today and told me to go see “Black Swan”. I might do that. Or maybe wait for DVD, cuz sitting in a theatre here is pretty much like going to a football game. Hot dogs and cheers and random conversation, no respect for the work.

    Viva America…has anyone ordered “Pajama Jeans” yet??

  30. avatar
    Once | 5 January 2011 at 5:37 am #

    For example, I am now watching “Hollywood Wives – The Next Generation.” Jackie Collins wrote the book. Jackie Collins is rich. Farrah Fawcett has the lead role. (Damn, she was pretty.)

    Cinematic greatness? Oh, no. But I can have a bloody mary and a cigarette, and I know that the abusive husband who just punched Farrah in the face will be killed off in 90 minutes. Yay.

    I’m supposed to be penning an “audition” for a writing gig, but I wonder why I bother.

    **sigh** Googling Black Swan.

  31. avatar
    Satyajit | 6 January 2011 at 10:13 am #

    Here is a clip from one of my favorite film makers: Satyajit Ray.
    He and Ravi Shankar were the 2 most famous Indian artists in the 1950’s. Ravi Shankar did a lot of soundtrack work for him. The APU trilogy is a must see. This is from a rare film called “The Music room”. I saw it saw it years ago in a University “film as literature” class devoted to Satyajit Ray – on original reels. . Maybe the whole thing is on DVD somewhere.

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