posted on August 28, 2010 at 10:36 pm

four sale foreshore

the boy got that aloneliness again

bewildered in the big city

wandering along in the illusions

aloneliness in a hotel

aloneliness in a bedroom

aloneliness in a crowded train speeding into night

night makes it all worse

night makes it in unbearable

in a deserted dark place when the wind is cold

how abandoned in a field of towering flowers

i hide under the chairs begging for sleep to come

eventually all footsteps die away out there

metamorphosis complete

a child among the furniture

winters little boy on the edge of a cruel spring

a kid in his old man suit over a barrel hopping thru hoops

need to see where i’m going with this

this aloneliness these things that i dont like

cant sleep because of the dream

cant dream because of the fear

cant fear because i’m n was a boy

cant play a card right now i cant go

i watch a cartoon of my life

hey it looks just like me  i start to chuckle

a piano falls on my characters head

learn to let it go says a voice above -whoever dropped it

no wonder i see stars

in the cartoon i keep getting it all mixed up

do one thing say another thing yet another thing omitted

i’m pushing a wheel up a hill

or i’m rowing a boat against the current

or i’m trying to take off but my wings wont sing

its nearly ten

my eyelids are heavy sore and gritty

i hide in a cave i hide in a circuit

i hide in a space between today n tomorrow

when the bass guitar kicks in

when the comparisons can be made

when the ugliest truth if its never faced

i follow a pattern of thought

a humming sound in my ears

a warm place opens up in my head

a safe place

you can be safe in the warm place in your head

but they can still get in there

those things that frighten you

they come in as your good things escape

all those lovely good things pouring out in freefall

its funny how he snatches empty handed at the air

its funny how the good things fly away on cartoon wings

plunged into a carnival the lights dazzle my eyes

my parent lets of my hand

and i’m swept along with the throng

no one sees me under this blanket

curled up and doing deals with myself

some bit of paper in my hand

no one could love me

i twitch in my half slumber half number

my eyes are closed but my head is open

anger slips in unannounced

sympathy slips out

in my dreams i’m in india or ha ha england

and every thing is peachy

thats why i twitch in the gigantic bed

i looked like ive been wrecked on some reef

shuddering at the sound of my heart on the pillow

a minion in a king size bed

i drown in saturday night

its quite unpleasant breathing it all in

before you black out

tune out for a few hours

listen to some other voices

the ones who waiting for me in my warm place

where they dont let in aloneliness

24 Responses to “aloneliness”

  1. avatar
    princey | 28 August 2010 at 10:46 pm #

    It’ll be ok in the morning, another bran nue day 🙂

  2. avatar
    Kristine | 28 August 2010 at 11:03 pm #

    This makes me sad. Please don’t feel like you’re alone, because you’re not. Embrace the warm darkness and think pleasant thoughts before you drift off to sleep.

  3. avatar
    evilren | 28 August 2010 at 11:49 pm #

    I would like to comment, but sometimes, I realize you are sharing what we all go through
    from time to time, so I will let it go and enjoy the read. I kind of look at everything as a test
    of endurance, and often I battle between giving in and fighting the good fight. I would also like
    to be in India right now, sounds like an adventure. You are coming right along Mr. Kilbey.

    yer pal

    ren

  4. avatar
    nylon burning | 28 August 2010 at 11:56 pm #

    whats up doc?
    …youre not alone …why ..youve all of us …

  5. avatar
    nylon burning | 29 August 2010 at 12:04 am #

    life eats life.. the spirit
    wants out and ..it seems to hurt…im not sure theres anything we can do …manage the “hurt” as best we can …try to dismiss the constant gnawing from inside and , i suppose express our “selves”..eh?
    are you painting ?

  6. avatar
    Freddie | 29 August 2010 at 12:52 am #

    Yeah. ♥

  7. avatar
    Once | 29 August 2010 at 2:27 am #

    THE FAMILIAR

    Torn from home, cast into the dust, I am surrounded by mirrors. All of them with a different curve, but in each, a partial reflection. The distorted images frighten me, but I dare to look into one, and hold my own gaze. What I see is what I feel – shame and hope, merging into one… begetting a primal honesty.

    I deserve to be here. Alone.

    My eyes sting with tears, and I reach out a hand. A hand reaches back… and our fingertips touch through the glass. Stunned, I jump back, only to hear laughter. When I dare to look up again, the mirror is gone. And in its place…is a friend.

    –Maricopa County Jail/Tent City/July 2010

  8. avatar
    Name | 29 August 2010 at 3:41 am #

    Remember the child who is brilliant (but just a child and no adult tells this child the future; as adults, they can’t even understand it and they love the child but conforming to rules is part of life) and the child has an imagination that every other child (and adult) singularly wants to be a part of because it helps them escape and have fun in far away places without boundaries and limits that they cannot even imagine themselves, so the child is sporadically allowed to take someone else along with them into such a fantastic place. But as a group, children, can’t (even) let themselves go that far because the “others” would witness and know; and so they make fun of instead (as a group) so they will not be singled out sometime soon. So the child who has unspecified gifts… not a teacher’s choice of science or calculus… because that is too focused and limiting in thought – and why follow one path when there are so many to take? And all through growing up they witness both: the dull everyday, sometimes looks even petty – but that’s what life seems to be, and the fantastic that they know it can be, and they are not cruel so there’s not much that can be said. And the child takes their place with the others for most of their time. And it’s fun and okay but when the child is alone there is a place still sort of hidden where the child can go and even though beautiful (and better) it can be lonely sometimes. And sometimes someone drifts into their life and all is wonderful and glorious and the other is the most interesting so then they can just watch and be a part of and they are not lonely and there is no competition and it’s just like riding a wave to the stars (until their friend’s parents must move away… or something… and take their cherished companion… but the child is spirited and independent, and doesn’t complain, the child just goes on)– and that reoccurs a few times while they are growing up – so those memories are many and special, but still a small part of the whole… so they go back to the others, but in their own actions, they separated themselves even more from the reality of the rest. And they are just children so it’s just how it is. And even sometimes throughout [childhood], a stranger (usually an adult) walks in and unexplainably “gets” them and they have conversations (and unspoken praise – they look back now and see) here and there – and those wonderful memories are just that, wonderful memories that will never go away. So all the child can do is hope that these strangers will always be happy and will always stay wonderful (and now looks back and “sees” those strangers were the same kid growing up – how neat that would have been… to be their next door neighbor!!) … and thank them for just who they were in passing. The light is so worth the lonely at times. It would seem to be almost tragic not to have the memories of, nor a future that holds even more lightening.

    • avatar
      Anonymous | 3 September 2010 at 2:25 pm #

      tell me about it. do you know me?

  9. avatar
    Jonny Hollywood | 29 August 2010 at 4:55 am #

    I can definitely relate to aloneliness, a new season perhaps speeding towards us…

  10. avatar
    Kimbo | 29 August 2010 at 5:27 am #

    ….better alone than in bad company….

  11. avatar
    Betty | 29 August 2010 at 8:00 am #

    I also hide and beg for sleep to come. Somehow it is a luxury that has not been afforded me…

  12. avatar
    BROKEN TOYS AND HEROS | 29 August 2010 at 8:12 am #

    “no one could love me” …so not true !!! Being alone and searching for sleep is one of life’s most difficult tasks. the harder we look…the farther away it becomes. i know this all to well, being an insomniac for many years now. i dread sleep sometimes because when i do, it is so short and hollow. of course i have tried this and that numerous times. imagine all those who hold me dear to their hearts gives me some peace, wishful thinking is sleeping tonight. can never sleep in a strange place, you live that. can you even remember or count the thousands of places u searched for slumberland? in foreign lands? I hope u find solitude in dreams with those eyes shut tight.

    AsAlways,
    BrokenToysAndHeros

  13. Kraig
    Kraig | 29 August 2010 at 11:31 am #

    This poem kinda sounds like my painting “The Lonely City”, haha. I can also relate to the part where you say “my eyes are closed but my head is open” most all the time when trying sleep…my mind some nights, never gets tired and sometimes i can’t sleep, but when i get to sleep it’s wonderful. Sometimes i don’t want to leave that realm when I awake.

    I can also relate to “shuddering at the sound of my heart on the pillow”, which my doctor diagnosed as slight anxiety? But i don’t take medicine like i should? I like how you mentioned “thats why i twitch in the gigantic bed…i looked like ive been wrecked on some reef”, I mean, haha LOL that’s a good one picturing that! Lovin’ It Steve!


    Take Care Man & Cheers!
    Kraig

  14. avatar
    Donna | 29 August 2010 at 12:14 pm #

    Steve, I sometimes feel lonely, especially when I’m traveling by myself. I feel so alienated in airports and subways, and when I’m looking out from an impersonal hotel room at an unfamiliar city. I feel the most lonely when I have been rejected or forgotten. Then it doesn’t matter how many people are around – I feel alone, unloved. But this too, passes. It’s another one of those unavoidable things in life we learn to manage.

  15. avatar
    Anonymous | 29 August 2010 at 12:49 pm #

    Maybe a trick: “I will not fall asleep, I will not fall asleep, I will not fall asleep…” and then if you don’t, you’ve accomplished a goal? If you do fall asleep, you can be kind to yourself and forgive that you failed…

  16. avatar
    hellbound heart | 29 August 2010 at 4:22 pm #

    must be contagious….i feel like ten pounds of shit in a five-pound bag…..i guess we’ll both battle through it….

    love always…..

  17. avatar
    isolde | 29 August 2010 at 4:47 pm #

    i could so there

  18. avatar
    Therese | 29 August 2010 at 5:37 pm #

    That’s very sad, but I can relate.
    Don’t know how you’re inspired daily to write entirely different stories. No two posts the same, you’re very lucky you were given the gift of words and the gift to enrich peoples’ lives with your beautiful music.

    Lassa nite saw your playmate John Paul Young at Dee Why rsl. Really good show, danced for most of it. He’s looking good, very youthfull (like your goodself) u must have given him afew of your secrets to the fountain of youth. Wanted to ask him later when he was signing about the play but he looked a bit stressed and don’t think he could even enjoy his beer till after the audience had left.

    Really looking forward to the play, patiently awaiting details.

    Re the Church, if (fingers and toes crossed)my fav band does play in Sydders in Dec I hope it’s not the same date as Bon Jovi. They should have consulted the Church when they planned to tour.

    Hope you’ve had a good weekend and all the fambley is well.

    Peace & love
    Therese

    ps. Love and best wishes from Lady Di. She is having computer problems and hasn’t been able to comment, but she is reading the Time Being and hopes to comment soon.

  19. avatar
    davem | 29 August 2010 at 7:41 pm #

    How is Sunday?
    Hugs to you.
    x

  20. avatar
    Andreas | 29 August 2010 at 7:46 pm #

    You’re not alone.
    ciao
    Andreas
    Genoa/Italy

  21. avatar
    eekie | 29 August 2010 at 9:20 pm #

    Nights are always the worst. Sick, worried, afraid, angry, sad…it’s always more intense at night. Why else would I still be awake?

  22. avatar
    Cocoamo | 30 August 2010 at 4:16 am #

    Hail all – long time no comment, long story. Anyway, since so many are having trouble sleeping I wonder if you have tried Phenergan? Not really a sleeping pill, but an antiemetic (nausea, vomiting), motion sickness pill, and antihistamine. Very mild and nonaddictive, it is available in England without prescription (don’t know about Australia). Need a prescription in the US. Every now and then, if I have had a few nights with 3 a.m. eye-openings, I’ll pop 1/2 a 25-mg tablet. Wonderful cozy sleep, like heaven. No gogginess in the a.m. We all hate to use crutches, but to walk with a crutch is better than not walking at all?

    Love and peace to all…
    Your friend in Pennsylvania

  23. avatar
    Karen | 30 August 2010 at 3:21 pm #

    everyones aloneliness
    LOL A pop tablet… huh?


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