posted on April 16, 2011 at 6:42 pm

the red room

april showers while i wait inside

the water is so warm

i see fish i see stars i see tiny glowing points

drowned and drunk

i search through stones and weeds and thorns

my memory is forever but my fuse is short

i am angry with everybody whoever lived my life

my anger lives in my head like an opportunistic virus

it comes out of my spine and travels up the past

my anger is red and hot and exhausting

my anger burns like icing in a dead rivers mouth

it accuses me of neglect and regret and petty cash

it demands more time and space so out goes mercy

it needs to feed so out goes my last shred of decency

my anger puts on a suit and goes to a bar

it picks up drunken bints and has its stupid way

it drinks the wine made from grapes of wrath

it lashes out at the rain and the pain and the mainline

it fixes itself deep with pins and needless

my anger drips vanity # 7

it silences lambs

out on the kings highway baby where you lied to me

i feel you going home with low-life

i feel you in broad daylight on your knees

i feel you descending down down down

anger and i come looking for you

we arrive too late but anger has an idea

it sets fire to my writhing ego that wears its freudian slip

an explosion of days

a plethora of ugly sins

sheer murder

deceitful theft

necessary torture

we are always at war

everything is permissable

i shoot into the darkness of the enemy

i hear a faint scream and i grin in your cockpit

my anger flies beside me

we bomb london we bomb berlin we bomb the open sea

only blood assuages my fuselage

i crash in a field hopelessly wrecked

i have nothing to eat so i swallow my pride

anger is rising up into nightsky on some thermal

everything is wrong in this century of moths

one day i will find out the truth

and anger will again fly to my side

and it will kill me

this time

for sure


47 Responses to “april showers”

  1. avatar
    thetimebeing | 16 April 2011 at 6:48 pm #

    please bear in mind what i write is sometimes s’posed to be “poetry”
    dont bother writing “lighten up” , this is all fiction, isnt it…..?

    • avatar
      Worldpeace and a Speedboat | 16 April 2011 at 7:26 pm #

      reality optional,
      it’s a delicious bowl of visceral!

    • avatar
      Darling Baby Pie... | 16 April 2011 at 9:41 pm #

      ………….. it doesn’t rhyme 🙂

    • avatar
      Lori | 17 April 2011 at 4:15 am #

      I read this aloud…I so feel it…thank you for your beautiful words

  2. avatar
    Kristine | 16 April 2011 at 7:17 pm #

    You mean you’re not really gonna bomb London and Berlin? Phew! I can rest easy now. 😉

  3. avatar
    Vanessa | 16 April 2011 at 7:36 pm #

    Assuage is just wunna those words I love. Loved this piece.

  4. avatar
    captain mission | 16 April 2011 at 8:29 pm #

    you are a very expansive man steve. a brilliant writer. i’m glad your in my world, that bits not a fiction as far as i am aware 🙂

  5. avatar
    Rand(Om) Bites | 16 April 2011 at 9:00 pm #

    Thought I’d check out your blog after the gig last weekend at the Opera House, what a fantastic night! This post kinda sounds like my recent interstate jaunt. Fiction…the words still come from a place that exists so you explore it, maybe even indulge a little. Wasn’t expecting to read something so raw and dark, even a little sad. Thanks for sharing.

  6. avatar
    Anonymous | 16 April 2011 at 9:17 pm #

    anger and every other emotion besides most of which most of us will never experience anywhere near the expanse of reality of which is yours – i know of no other living being that has wandered, been pushed, has lead, or has delved as far as you have gone – and for the next stage of this amazing journey let us watch as you teach us more about success and how it can, nay should be appropriated

    • avatar
      esne snoner | 17 April 2011 at 6:07 am #

      oops – failed to enter my name when posting that comment and i know you are not a fan of anonymity – i certainly don’t want to be part of that bunch (as below)

    • avatar
      Anonymous | 17 April 2011 at 7:54 am #

      stay open… watch the come.

  7. avatar
    Anakki Mayhem | 16 April 2011 at 9:30 pm #

    i love how visual your words can be… lovely writing… thank u.

  8. avatar
    Karen | 16 April 2011 at 9:44 pm #

    LOL @ please bear in mind .. cute
    grapes of wrath is not my fav
    crankiness ..

  9. avatar
    Anonymous | 16 April 2011 at 10:52 pm #

    You brought all of this on yourself

  10. avatar
    Belfy | 16 April 2011 at 11:18 pm #

    I have learned that anger is a total waste of one’s vital energy. But this must be fiction – a vegan would never silence a lamb. 😉

  11. avatar
    Anonymous | 16 April 2011 at 11:53 pm #

    Of course it’s poetry, you wouldn’t know truth if it smacked you in the face.

  12. avatar
    Ryan | 16 April 2011 at 11:59 pm #

    beautifully described.
    i learned long ago that life is too short to be angry all the time.
    wish i could learn that lesson.

  13. avatar
    Steven Krut | 17 April 2011 at 12:12 am #

    “i have nothing to eat so i swallow my pride”

    Loved that.

  14. avatar
    BROKEN TOYS AND HEROS | 17 April 2011 at 2:06 am #

    The only person that believes your darkness to be ‘totally’ real man is …our boy Charlie here in the states and he has been anxiously waiting for you to return his calls so he can have you join him on his ‘WORLD’ tour of creativity titled “Me and the Aussie, don’t fuck with us cuz we got tiger and armadillo blood” or better yet : “He was on smack around women, and I smacked around a bunch of women” … guess you wont be answering his phone calls anytime soon.

    I think you answered my own question (within a blog) the other day but, did the little sparks of joy get to be stage side last Sunday? If so, you are the coolest fuggin dad in the universe !!!!!

    Darrin K.

  15. avatar
    Tanya | 17 April 2011 at 2:10 am #

    Perfect combination of thoughts & feelings today. I would never tell you to lighten up, as your words often express, for me, what I cannot seem to express myself. I praise your ‘fiction’ whether its up or down; Its all a refreshing outlet of perception with words.

  16. avatar
    bc | 17 April 2011 at 3:53 am #

    acceptance = happiness
    (easier said than done)

  17. avatar
    aida morgan | 17 April 2011 at 4:21 am #

    If you felt the disclaimer was necessary, then some of the readers should lighten up. Poetry’s a form of expression, and it’s a healthy vehicle for venting one’s frustrations, especially if a public figure like yourself is expected to put on a happy face all the time. I say embrace the anger or pain, go through it. You need to in order to deal with and get over it. We will always be your support.

  18. avatar
    Anonymous | 17 April 2011 at 4:22 am #

    with prelude as an after-thought; it all works quite well thus far.

  19. avatar
    david | 17 April 2011 at 4:22 am #

    …..youve been listening to genesis and eating blood sausages .?..

  20. avatar
    monksphere | 17 April 2011 at 6:06 am #

    Mr. Kilbey, such a beautiful piece about the ugliness of anger and its many faces, or should I say masks, disguises, whatever. I really liked this one. Big up for the opera show! Ya know Benaroya Hall is up the street from the Triple Door, here in lovely Seattle and I’ll give up my fancy vest n both my kidneys, an arm n a leg, first born and the little dog too if you can come up to these parts with the orchestra. Hell I’ll even volunteer to lug equipment for sunflower seeds and Vegemite on Wonder bread. And if Ozzy is the measuring stick for rockstar evolution, we’re all fuckered for real! Have a good one, hope to see you and the band, et. al. soon!

  21. avatar
    eekie | 17 April 2011 at 7:55 am #

    It does feel as though anger is a whole other malevolent being, doesn’t it? Destroys and consumes everything and everyone in it’s path, including it’s host, and then moves on to the next victim.

  22. avatar
    Richard | 17 April 2011 at 8:35 am #

    maybe anger has a place
    I’m prone to suppressing anger until it turns into rage
    not physically violent rage
    but incoherent verbal rage
    usually no more eloquent than ‘go fuck yourself’
    in a voice that betrays complete frustration and lack of control

  23. avatar
    Donna | 17 April 2011 at 9:13 am #

    I love your poetry, Steve!!

  24. avatar
    . | 17 April 2011 at 9:46 am #

    great imagery steve…
    i was having a parallel thought pattern the other day
    adventures of a misplaced time traveler…

    i was able to find some cover behind a farmhouse
    i’m feeling totally undone, countless mortars exploded around me
    rapid machine gun fire flew by like rabid fireflies in the dark fright
    by heaven’s good grace, I survived the long, harrowing night
    nothing here but destruction, shell casings and powder burns
    burning embers where houses and market square once stood
    despair and bewilderment lurk about like an ominous mist on the water
    an overwhelming lack of normalcy even though the morning sun still rises
    one of those surreal moments reserved only for waking dreams
    an officer emerged from the rubble, disoriented, bloodied and worn
    his squad reduced by half, straightway their spirits into the ether
    captain with no rifle or pack…just his sidearm dangling from his hip
    like a lone lawmen in the American west keeping the town’s peace
    taking a long drink from his metal canteen…dented, metallic and dull
    trying to pick up the pieces from the ambush and surprise attack
    a look of ambivalent disappointment in his middle-aged eyes
    the intelligence reports were grossly inaccurate, they paid the price
    what his soul whispered inwardly, locked away now and forever
    not to be recounted or spoken of ever again, at least in this life
    luckily the P51s arrived at just the right time to divide the enemy lines
    I respect him for his courage and honor despite this theatre of pain
    another soldier sung softly, like a soothing hymn, these words I think
    “the war of our fathers, take up the cause, sisters and brothers”
    “we carry on…strong, valiant, brave…resolved like no other…”
    what a perplexing song, I thought, given the harsh circumstances
    i grow tired of seeing war, then I witnessed a most compassionate act
    you know…one of those sane moments in this insane asylum
    a kitten appeared beneath the blown track of a shell laced tank
    alone and whimpering within the hellish landscape
    it must have been displaced, lost without its’ mother
    that same officer on bended knee to give it drink
    thirst quenched, water from his little gritty tongue to stomach
    basic nourishment, simple, but life giving and saving
    a benevolent creature in the eyes of another creature
    how the captain could transform himself so quickly
    is admirable, confusing, and absolutely interesting
    salvation and charity amongst total devastation
    a hopeful moment, a snapshot of time, endless…
    it gives me hope that despite the suffering around us
    the unmistakable capacity for us to show compassion
    really manifests itself at the darkest hours of our sojourn
    it doesn’t make sense, but I’ll take those moments when they come
    the next portal is opening up, I don’t know why I’m saying this,
    but I’ll wait for the next one and stay a little while longer…

    • avatar
      thetimebeing | 17 April 2011 at 10:44 am #

      nice one

    • avatar
      BROKEN TOYS AND HEROS | 17 April 2011 at 2:12 pm #

      Very nice !!! I really got caught up in it all and than it sadly ended. If you write professionally, can you please link us to the source. If not, please take in consideration that you have talent, talent is a gift and if you chose to share than you will be forever blessed. If it is yours, for the sake of one reader- sometimes posted to effect our moderator and portions of his flock, than so be it. I truly sense rhythm and balance in everything that I have read of yours and enjoy it immensely.

      Darrin K.

  25. avatar
    Anonymous | 17 April 2011 at 10:33 am #

    lighten up, You brought all of this on yourself . Go see Dr. Phil

    • avatar
      thetimebeing | 17 April 2011 at 10:44 am #

      same old idiot writing the same old bilge
      dont you have any life at all you donkey?

  26. avatar
    Matty | 17 April 2011 at 10:56 am #

    That’s the problem with blogs: Sometimes they are written as an almost pure diary and other times it is fiction/poetry.

    There are obvious reasons why the devoted need to be told the blog is fiction/poetry. There’s drama in Mr. Kilbey’s life and he’s let us in on it from the beginning. It is way too easy for the flock to try to read between imaginary lines. Sometimes a shove in the right direction is necessary.

    Other times, it might be necessary to say, “Hey Steve, lighten up! It’ll all work itself out”. ‘Cause, who knows from what deep recesses the poetry springs from.

    That’s my two bit psycho-analysis. Enjoy the rest o the weekend.

  27. avatar
    Heather daydream | 17 April 2011 at 11:23 am #

    Wow – this is a goodie…very tight. And the photograph looks like a painting, a deep textured thoughtful tight painting. Yahrr!

  28. avatar
    plumlady | 17 April 2011 at 12:34 pm #

    Did you/will you kill her? Poetry; such a wonderful way to release anger. I went to a poetry reading for National Poetry Month on the same day as National Record Store Day…and poetry was put to music. One of the pieces was about rage; very similar to your writing today. Perhaps there’s something in the rain bringing it out across the seas to both of our continents; it rained here today too!

  29. avatar
    Lara | 17 April 2011 at 12:40 pm #

    And a good poem it is, too. I won’t tell you to lighten up, but I will say you have nice knees.

    • avatar
      thetimebeing | 17 April 2011 at 3:22 pm #

      oh professor farina
      should i come to your office and discuss my anglo saxon knees…..?

      • avatar
        Lara | 17 April 2011 at 11:40 pm #

        Just glad to know that King Alfred lives on in your patella. Office hours are Tuesday/Thursday 4:00-5:00.

  30. avatar
    omingomak | 17 April 2011 at 9:30 pm #

    ahh anger…the flip side to calm
    day or night
    up or down
    on or off
    that’s life baby…balance

  31. avatar
    Freddie | 18 April 2011 at 12:40 am #

    The monster inside burns, roars and destroys. I keep mine locked up but sometimes she escapes so I keep building the walls higher and stronger but she’s a crafty cunning lil’ beast, a small and vicious shape shifter who can find the tiny cracks in the masonry.

  32. avatar
    Narelle | 18 April 2011 at 8:30 am #

    resist anger…and risk creating a greater evil…so…nothing to be feared…its all good

  33. avatar
    hellbound heart | 18 April 2011 at 7:28 pm #

    i read a wonderful passage in a book once…..
    ‘control your temper or it will control you’
    how true…..

    love always……

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