posted on August 1, 2007 at 5:07 am

olde olde killer in his little sunlit room
part dante
part clown
part mangey panther
part devil squirrel
part man
part spirit
part the red sea with a fender bass
white hippy mojoses
if you please
olde killer listens to high spark of low heeled boys
oh that piano sounds so good
oh the smooth flute
re bops tropical percussion percolating
warm day in southern hemi fiendss
i bodysurfed for brekkie
i took scarlet to accnts meeting
ive read yr blogge says my accnt
which surprises me…
all the kids have nicknames dont they he says
yep thats the bumper i enthuse happily
cos hes just told me my tax wallop
is gonna be a medium one
not such a huge thump as we had feared
scarlet n i hang at out at coogee
with janice n marlon from the emerald ireland
scarlet is charismatic
im sorry to say it
but ive heard that word bandied about a bit
a little liz taylor with her violet eyes
her theme song is there she goes by the las
you only need to sing :
there she……
and scarlet comes in :
perfectly in pitch n time
ive experimented raising n lowering the pitch
but shes always right there
i know all kids love music
but scarlet goes to some place
and she gets that annie lennox look in her eyes
somehow nature has gone thru every attribute
that nk or i possess
and bestowed them all in this one bumper creature
i am in awe of the childe
cheerful bright n loving
with occaisional wrathful moments
i believe scarlet is something good for this world
and she will do something that will make a lotta people happy

people didnt like me much as a kid
lets face it
i was obnoxious precocious n a nassty character
i was cruel cowardly n rude
not all the time, fiendss of course
i wasnt all badde
but i didnt like myself much
im struggling with that even now
i loved my mum n dad
but i was always misbehavin’
in my day ya werent sposed to argue or contradict adults
bullshit i thought
n i argued contradicted n insulted em like a real little sod
its been a slow transition
and i cringe when i think of all the things i used to say
for example
some olde codger
a friend of my dads
telling me how good i had it
and reminiscing bout his boring dickensian olde childhood
which he spent down a treacle well or whatever the hell
and as hes telling the tale he gets all misty eyed:
me n my mate gerald
we get 2 pennies n we ran down mrs hogdens pie shop
and my mate gerald says…
suddenly little steven aged 10 says:
get to the punchline will you?
and yon codger implodes in redfaced indignation
and my dad dont talk to me all the way home
10 year olds didnt say stuff like that back then
you were sposed to be seen but not heard
fuck it people
ive copped it both ways!
i grew up on the cusp of the revolution..
as kids in the 50s n 60s we were more disciplined
most kids got smacked n spanked
sometimes with wooden spoons
n things that sing as they come towards you in the air
woooooooo oooooooo whack!
ive seen friends of mine get a belting with fathers belt
and i seen fathers just start laying into their sons with fists
the teachers could hit you and they fucking well did
at 6,miss dewgood whacked us behind the knee with a featherduster
the cane part i mean…not the feathers
the bigshots at lyneham high caned ya on the hand
up to 3 times on each hand
six of the best that was called
i got “the cuts” a few times
but only one on each hand
its an exruciating pain that shoots all over yer body
like being kicked in the balls
it lasts for ages too
the teacher could pick on ya
ridicule ya n stuff
and you were sposed to just put up with it
those were the times
but we thought
oh well
when we grow up
we can in turn
enjoy having the rule of the roost
but the kids staged a revolution
and now its all namby fucking pamby mollycoddling palaver
ooh little jason i feel disempowered when you clobber me
instead of
take that you little monkey !(sound of back hander)
look i dont like the discipline either way
i hated getting it
and i hate dishing it out
now i have to say all that same olde stuff
dont run in road!
dont talk with mouth full of food!
dont chuck yer bloody toys everywhere!
i know it amuses you
that yer space rocking renaissance man
has to discipline his kids
but wasnt it ever so
its for everyones sake isnt it?
do you wanna get on a bus with a bunch of pigs?
trouble is what is defined as manners has changed…
in my childhood days
auntie lou n co would get all hot under the collar
just on where your elbows were…
are you a wing commander, steven? theyd say as a warning shot
if your elbows werent by yer sides n OFF THE TABLE!
eve n aurora slouch n slump
sit cross legged
standup leanover
jog on the spot
sprawl fidget jump about
auntie lou would have had kittens in spades
childrens elbows have faded to insignificance
scarlet adds to the shambles
and the doodles laugh n hoot n holler
at every dribble n splodge
tho she is quite good considering she aint even 2 yet
but all im saying is
why cant people be born with manners?

37 Responses to “august seizure”

  1. avatar
    Anonymous | 1 August 2007 at 3:10 pm #

    somebody pass me the mic. i’ll sort this outxx

  2. avatar
    Athanasius Pernath | 1 August 2007 at 3:10 pm #

    oh SK!
    thank you for today’s blog, as my very little daughter celebrates her 1st birthday just now…so there were some points to consider. – – she’s a darkly tanned, blonde, wide-eyed beauty, and she’s absolutely sure where the center of the universe actually is (must be her bellybutton). and now i can tell her “girls on the other side of the world have to do this-and-this, too!”

  3. avatar
    Cee | 1 August 2007 at 3:25 pm #

    ..I had to step in when my good friend’s son was crawling on top of the dinner table, he’s 4. After telling him to get off and him basically ignoring his Mom, I reached over, grabbed him and plopped him in his chair. He was so shocked he stayed there; he and his twin sister probably think I’m the mean Auntie and that’s fine with me. I’ll try not to hit them with my chanclas!

  4. avatar
    jolly jake | 1 August 2007 at 3:53 pm #

    My Mum broke a toy rifle on my head once and I watched my Dad give my brother a “father of a hiding” during which he passed a turd.

  5. avatar
    Anonymous | 1 August 2007 at 4:26 pm #

    my mother hit me over the kneecaps with a vacuum cleaner for referring to my brother as “it”.

  6. avatar
    Anonymous | 1 August 2007 at 4:44 pm #

    good evening,and good morning,you perfect loons!cascading love at you all! xx

  7. avatar
    John Garratt | 1 August 2007 at 4:56 pm #

    Anonymous 12:42,

    All the time, I see kids get away with things in public that, if I would’ve even come close to even trying them, my mom would grab me by the ear and pull it like holy hell. When my ear was grabbed, I knew to knock off whatever the hell I was doing, straighten up, and fly right.

    John Garratt

  8. avatar
    JJ | 1 August 2007 at 4:56 pm #

    “There She Goes”…great song. Whatever became of Lee Mavers? They flashed out pretty quick.

    “We were all children once, playing with toys…”

    I was hit as a boy, in return I vowed to never hit my own. He’s 17 now and fine, no trouble, well-mannered when he needs to be, does well in school, responsible.

    Words from The Walrus:

    “They hurt you at home and they hit you at school
    They hate you if youre clever and they despise a fool
    Till youre so fucking crazy you cant follow their rules”

  9. avatar
    John Garratt | 1 August 2007 at 4:57 pm #

    Also, is anyone interested in a CDR copy of “Busdriver?”

    John Garratt

  10. avatar
    NickF | 1 August 2007 at 4:59 pm #

    those fuckin teachers used to bash the fuck out of us/ I think maybe a few years after i graduated highschool they stopped paddling and hitting kids…. however i remember the ” pfeinnroth brothers ” two mean motor scooters that got regularly beaten and ridculed and paddled by a gym teacher ” MR. REEDER ” …….. some years later in their adulthood remembering their beatings, they went back to that middle school and unleashed a terrible beating on ” MR REEDER’S “crotchety abusive terroristic ass. thanks for all of us…….

  11. avatar
    John Garratt | 1 August 2007 at 5:44 pm #


    The La’s have reunited. It is rumored that Lee Mavers is still working on the second La’s album. Bassist John Power said that they will take their sweet time with it.

    They reunited for festivals in 2005 and realized they didn’t hate each other after all.

    You can see some of these gigs on youtube, though Lee’s voice is a little rough now. But they were nice enough to promote new songs in addition to playing “There She Goes” for the trillionth time.

    John Garratt

  12. avatar
    veleska1970 | 1 August 2007 at 6:53 pm #

    my dad very, very rarely spanked me and my two brothers…..he just had that “look” about him. plus the fact that he was 6 foot 3 and a really big man and a deep, bellowing voice, that was intimidating enough. but that look!! he was a master of it.

    i rarely spank my daughter. 99% of the time taking away play time/tv/toys is enough.

  13. avatar
    Brien Comerford | 1 August 2007 at 6:56 pm #

    All the commentators on here and their Children are veritable saints in contrast to the 20% percent of kids and teenagers in Chicago who are involved in dogfighing. They monstrously torture, disfigure, maim and kill man’s best friend.

    Anon does not have to trust me regarding Jeff Beck. At one time or another Jimmi Page, Eric Clapton, David Gilmour, Brian May, Steve Vai, Joe Satriani, John Paul Jones, Angus Young, and Slash have stated that Jeff Beck is the greatest living guitarist.

  14. avatar
    Mega-Jason | 1 August 2007 at 7:21 pm #

    It was ’78 or ’79, me and another kid were the last ones at St. Cryils to get a good old fashioned ruler slap from a nun. Must have been the other kid’s mom who complained…

    The school closed at the end of the year for good. Not enough funding, they said. Whatever. I went from old-fashioned discipline and staight A’s to touchy-feely everybody get’s a sticker and stright C’s. That all turned around in the 6th grade when Sister Ann grabbed me and Colin by the throat (one in each hand) and gave us good throttling. That lasted me through High School and into Honor Society.

    Hmm…I wonder now if I’ve been dating the wrong kind of women all this time…

    Any recommendations for a great SK song that’ll help me through this tough soul search? Any strong women out there with old wooden rulers?

  15. avatar
    fantasticandy | 1 August 2007 at 7:29 pm #

    brien c….beck ain’t bad, but i think you might get a big surprise if you check out some randy california….try ‘natures way’ or ‘1984’ two of the most important songs around.

    as for beatings i had shitloads from everyone….parents…teachers…police….other kids…..ect.
    i wasn’t impolite or i’ll mannered.
    people fear that which they don’t understand.
    i think sometimes it’s the price you pay for being ‘different’?
    peace ‘n goodwill to all,
    andy L.

  16. avatar
    Mega-Jason | 1 August 2007 at 7:35 pm #

    Comerfeld, dude, I live in Chicago, where did you get that statistic?!?!?!?! And where the hell are the parents?!?!?!

  17. avatar
    steve kilbey | 1 August 2007 at 9:45 pm #

    sometimes anon at 8 54
    reading the comments on here
    is like watching a sad jealous little wanker
    thrashing around in his impotence
    and lashing out nastily
    but only hurting himself
    so why dontcha piss off quick?
    the killer

  18. avatar
    timf | 1 August 2007 at 10:29 pm #

    would make our job alot easier if they were born with manners

    …some of us are born with a natural ability to adapt or run with the crowd and others need to seem to instinctively break from the pack and the best can do both at will.

    the collapse of common manners, courtesy and politeness is a outword expression of pehaps a more deeper lack of respect for each other that regretfully seems to conquer the day.

    Whould you not agree,my kind Sir?

  19. avatar
    the dean | 1 August 2007 at 10:55 pm #

    violence begets violence

  20. avatar
    Anonymous | 1 August 2007 at 11:35 pm #

    Bless You Captain! xo

  21. avatar
    Anonymous | 1 August 2007 at 11:56 pm #

    the child tyrant has spoken. not sure what that means, or who it applies to….just throw a rock in the air…yeah kids have fucking awful manners, so do adults. teaching is mostly a pain in the ass…our entire humanity is in sure denial…..I guess i must be a sad little wanker hating myself as well. Wish i could have been as fortunate as some of you, Or YOU! the God-Man….Jesus…..sigh.

  22. avatar
    DropFrame | 2 August 2007 at 12:14 am #

    I got 6 of the best on me butt at school – wanganui collegiate NZ it was. It didn’t hurt as the teacher didn’t have his heart in it – after it was done he picked up my school books and handed them to me as a sad sym-pathetic gesture methinks. I noticed his hand was shaking uncontrollably – i remeber almost feeling sorry for the guy. I got the punishment for calling out his nickname ‘rissole’ in class.

    PS I have a daughter called electra – and I have just found out the killer does too. my electra at 6.5 is showing amazing artistic tendancies.


  23. avatar
    damien | 2 August 2007 at 12:22 am #

    As a teacher, I get to see first-hand the results of “modern” parenting. Adults should NEVER negotiate with children. EVER. Good for you for trying to bring your daughters up with some of the social graces, Steve.

  24. avatar
    Anonymous | 2 August 2007 at 12:56 am #

    dishing out discipline,as with religion etc. should be done,not from the selfish,dominating needs of the server.Teaching kids skills for life,so they are not embarrassed in social circumstances is the responsibility of the parent.when the line is crossed,from discipline,to abuse,it stems from the person who is disciplining’s own anger issues,and is,then, in my opinion,assault…..a light tap{which my 8 yo has had maybe 5 times in her life} on the butt,does less harm than the berationand projecting of negativity encouraging the child to believe that they are wilfully malevolent. That just teaches the child how to insult and manipulate ,TO HURT others in a more longlasting manner..I detest all violence,I might add!…./CW

  25. avatar | 2 August 2007 at 1:24 am #

    scorcher please?!wanna see a handprint!

  26. avatar
    eek | 2 August 2007 at 1:40 am #

    why cant people be born with manners?

    My theory is it’s to build character — in their parents. 😉

    My mother didn’t believe in hitting children (for the same reasons noted by persephone2u), but I think for the most part my manners as a child were pretty good. Maybe it was because there weren’t that many other kids around to egg me on or that I was just far too shy to be too obnoxious in public. I could (and did) still pitch major screaming and jumping up and down so hard it made the whole house shake fits, but I could be dressed up, taken out, and be depended on to be decent. I don’t recall any big lessons — I just did what my parents did.

    I was a good little kid. However, when I turned 11 or so…. There were times my mum would say “I hope your kids are just like you!” I sure showed her though — I didn’t have any kids. Hahaha!

    I think there are as many ways to cultivate good manners in kids as there are kids, which is part of what makes it so hard. Not every method is going to work for every child. I certainly don’t envy parents facing this task.

  27. avatar
    Anonymous | 2 August 2007 at 1:52 am #

    You’re bringing up great various memories:

    There were seven of us altogether including the parents. It was great driving around the Seattle countryside listening to Traffic with the “old man” as my hippy brother called him. Him being the first and 6′-7″, he inched out my Dad’s slightly smaller frame and still has a charm about him. The older brother is 10 days your junior, yes… golly gee how times have changed. We had mostly laughter and some yealling in our house! My parents were a tag team when it came to the discipline though- one would try to dump it on the other…and we’d ALWAYS hide the belt. HAHAHA ouch, we smirked as they lined us up, sting, smirk. Yeah but The Traffic was ON in our fambley mobile- ‘Shanghi Factory’

    Me, I’m Athena and Aphrodite…mostly the love goddess these days. Only just yesterday I told a yelling customer in a store: “Stop being rude.”
    Rude guy gulped, “OK” whimper whimper.
    Everyone in the store gave me a smile, and the biggest one came from rude guys’ girlfriend.

    Liv Tyler- my sister met her at the LOTR play too, said she was ‘sweet, kind and delicate’. Her eyes are quite a lovely lavender? Thought they were green- not that I’ve ever gazed into them.

    Hungry in CA

  28. avatar
    Brien Comerford | 2 August 2007 at 1:55 am #

    Fantastic Andy you are one of my fovorite commentors but to say Beck ain’t bad. I am talking about Jeff Beck from England, your country. You know the guy that is admired by Clapton,Page, Steve Vai, Joe Satrioni, Tonny Iommi, Brian May and David Gilmour. His only flaw is the same as SKs and The Church’s only flaw. The masses have not heard Jeff Beck’s or The Church’s best CDs that have actualized in the past 15-17 years. He’s also cooler than hell ! David Fricke loves him too ! Peace and best wishes to you and your band. Sorry but I am intolerant to criticism of Jeff Beck, Chrissie Hynde and the guy whose blog we love to read. Their boundless talents most be exposed to the unenlightened and the intellectually challenged. Hynde is just a few notches below SK and JB but Ray Davies was a great influence on her.

  29. avatar
    daniel12 | 2 August 2007 at 2:20 am #

    Growing up the child of an angry alcoholic parent the school cane seemed a mild punishment by comparison.
    To me the cane was so laughably ineffectual that I would sometimes laugh uncontrolably whilst it was administered.
    When extra lashings only made me laugh harder the school disiplinarian eventually refused to cane me at all.
    Instead whilst by fellow students were still caned i would have to write out this document drafted by some olde world preist called “The Definition of a Gentleman.” I wrote this dam thing so often that i could eventually write much of it it from memory. Today three decades later i can still recall it’s essence and parts of it’s verse. It’s opening lines pretty much summed it up.
    “Hence it is that it is almost the definition of a gentleman to say that he is one who never inflicts pain. This description is both refined and as far as it go’s accruate.”
    If you interpret”never inflicts pain” as meaning emotional/physical pain to another living creature it’s a rather good code to live by.
    Somehow after all the violence of my youth i think i have become a gentleman.
    Perhaps the ‘Definition of a Gentleman’ did sink in somehow.

    Brian Comminford’s actually right about Jeff Beck.
    He really was the gitar man.
    He had taste,restraint and broad influences too.
    Have a listen to ‘call me a wave’from Malcom Mclarens Waltz Darling and tell me i’m wrong

  30. avatar
    mal ark | 2 August 2007 at 2:35 am #

    All commentators…Mr Nolan says:

    What blasphemy have some of you people been saying ?
    Of course Jeff Beck rocks !
    Jeff Beck rocks and soars and “ululates” like very very few solo guitarists can…

    His film work is brilliant, his work with Roger Waters is brilliant his solo work is unique and just right now I’m listening to his track “Angel Footsteps” (spooky and uplifting at the same time)

    JB has a chilling, haunting guitar sound like no other.


  31. avatar
    scott | 2 August 2007 at 2:48 am #

    Nothing like some Traffic. Steve Winwood is my favorite white musician of all time. Dunno about Rebob though…kinda fakin’ it if you ask me. Wait, did you ask me?

  32. avatar
    Anonymous | 2 August 2007 at 2:52 am #

    Ratings will be up,with this one Killer!

  33. avatar
    Jeff Beck | 2 August 2007 at 5:39 am #

    Ah,yes,Steve Kilbey rocks!

  34. avatar
    Anonymous | 2 August 2007 at 6:26 am #

    Ah Steve…you said Liz Taylor, not Liv Tyler. I really must slow down and wear my reading glasses. Please excuse me, I’m mistaken.

    Thank you Genx, Cloudburst, for your humorous descriptions on a rather gloomy subject 🙂

    Brien C
    The first time I heard of Beck was on a jazz station in the ’70’s. Sure he’s great but…

    I can’t help but like this Flemenco guitarist- Otmar Liebert. What say anyone about his music. Steve?


  35. avatar
    verdelay | 2 August 2007 at 8:11 am #

    No kids for yours truly quite yet.

    I assume they are like granite.

    Hard, and with a makeup all their own…but with effort you can shape ’em.

    …or perhaps more like a rock you roll up to the top of the hill, only to watch it roll back down again…


  36. avatar
    Anonymous | 2 August 2007 at 5:10 pm #

    The blog is nice, but 8:54 was right about some of the commentators.

  37. avatar
    Centuryhouse | 2 August 2007 at 10:12 pm #

    Haha, I DEFINATELY hear you on this one 🙂

    I hate all of that discipline stuff, but as a parent you’ve got to do it sometimes. I’m not as harsh about it as my parents were, but still…


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