posted on May 25, 2008 at 9:45 am

return of the prodigal being
finding it hard to take a trick
the universe tells me i’m off course in many little ways
ears ring on n on
but i keep listening to loud music
ive blown 3 sets of ipod headphones…
lungs getting bad
must stop smoking
its no good
i need a long rest
everythings driving me crazy
everybodies got suggestions i cant follow
i can paint n write stuff but i cant organise anything
have a sad sunday breakfast today
i made pears
everyone comes over one last time
elli seems angry with me all the while
i have that effect on people
i’m aware that it happens but powerless to stop it
pushing 54 and looking it
new lines appear on my face
wait theres been a mistake
i was s’posed to remain at 18 forever
my kids all do the opposite of what i expect
im too weak with them
then suddenly too harsh
i say the wrong things and upset them
i still speak before i think
been doing a lot of yoga to counteract drugs and age
i feel very flexible and i certainly have a spring in my step
i go up n down
today i suddenly felt that bondi wasnt my home
and that i hardly knew my family
like i’d been set down in the wrong story
my street seemed sandy and alien
the trees were not the ones i thought i was familiar with
the houses seemed bereft of life
the weather was blue and bleak
the sun had no warmth yet it burnt
i sat on my porch
some of my plants are dying but i dont know why
it seems like ive let it all slip through my hands
my time my youth my golden days
ah sweet autumn of my life
moving into winter
still with my youthful preoccupations
peter pot and pan
i went to a party but didnt stay long
peoples voices hurt my ears when they yell
all my jokes fell flat
i cant concentrate when people talk to me
i saw clyde bramley
reg mombassa
lindy morrison
amanda brown
dave mason
david lane
and quite a few others
i nibbled at cookies and had some hummus
nk n i shared one corona
the doodles go through a noisy period
lots of fighting and yelling plus scarlet squealing
need a holiday
havent gotten away now for so long
but cant afford to fly anywhere
and everyone cept me gets carsick
so…..
i long for some peaceful meadow ive never seen
thoroughly sick and tired of me
all my cock-ups n my checkered past
struggle to paint
struggle to swim
struggle to believe
my deafness plus my dopiness is making me into
an archetypal fool
i cant hear the stuff that people mutter anymore
the stuff that makes em all snigger snicker
a thousand and one gigs still playing in my screaming ears
now arent you glad you waited two days to read this?

19 Responses to “back less”

  1. avatar
    davem | 25 May 2008 at 10:28 am #

    Hope it helps to know how many of us log on to TTB every hour or two hoping to see a post from you.
    I can understand this being a tad melancholy….the girls going and the onset of winter.
    I’m sure it helps not a jot but…I love you loads Sir.
    It’s a wet Sunday morning here. Isidore playing and I sip my tea. You have such a wonderful voice…the vocal on Refused is just sublime.
    God bless you…my hero.
    xx

  2. avatar
    Hellbound Heart | 25 May 2008 at 11:27 am #

    god almighty man, come up to murwillumbah and stay at my place for a few days…go trekking in the rainforests and chill out at any of the local spots (eg nimbin, mullumbimby, byron et al.)…you and your family would be more than welcome…
    i can totally relate to you having the blues with the twillies going soon and so on…
    i love reading your blog and i love your music and you make my life a better thing, steve…THANK YOU SO MUCH…
    love always…

  3. avatar
    princey | 25 May 2008 at 11:38 am #

    Hi sk, it’s SO good to hear from you again!, I really, really missed u, but thought you’d come back happier than ever after having a break. I’m sorry you feel like this at the moment. We fiends will be here for you ALWAYS sk.
    Love on ya,
    Amanda

  4. avatar
    Ross B | 25 May 2008 at 11:47 am #

    Oh Killa it’s been that sort of Sunday, I’ve felt a little baleful and despondent this afternoon, the sun seems to be sinking ominously quickly these days – hopefully tomorrow will bring some more spring into your step and some fresh Monday-ish perspective!

    I hope you have a good week, kind regards to you.

    How’s Clyde going?

  5. avatar
    fantasticandy | 25 May 2008 at 12:25 pm #

    oh, steve…
    went to bed last night feeling like shit…
    all my gear just fucked up and died on me…the computer i use to power our keyboards went totally tits-up,
    the recording console locked-up and refused to work at all..there’s all our new stuff on it….
    i’d just been working on a guitar part for a big hero of mine…and it was all lost.
    my youngest daughter has narcolepsy AND cataplexy and the last few days have been the worst she’s had for a long, long time…i love her so much and hate to see her suffer.
    so, i just got pissed on cheapo cider and stumbled off to bed.

    woke up this morning, made a cuppa and with great trepidation made my way to the studio(garage)to re-asess the damage……
    i’m pretty good with computers…less tired and with a more active brain..i sorted things out…software conflict…little bit of regstry editing..bingo!,back in action.
    onto the web…check the forums for my recording gear….
    there’s a guy on there..’oh yeah i had that problem.. it’s a lead inside works loose give it a shove and it’ll be ok’….great! that works too…
    april gets up..and she’s ok again!
    i give her a kiss and a big hug.
    hey…everythings looking a bit better today!
    still broke
    still ugly
    still old
    but so what?
    i’m feeling great!

    then i read TTB……

    at least your’e prettier than me steve…
    i’m sorry man..
    we don’t really have any control do we?
    i wish it was different for you ‘n me both,
    wer’e just gonna have’ta roll with the punches like always.
    i know the next few days are going to be tough….
    it’s not hard for us feinds to empathise though….
    it hurts us too.
    all the very best to ya freckles!
    much love,
    andy L.

  6. avatar
    linjo | 25 May 2008 at 12:27 pm #

    Steve, I am just starting to feel a bit of relief, peace and organisation come into my life since I quit the cigs. Hard to be at rest with yourself when you know you are slowing committing suicide, plus smoking is a great procrastinator when there is stuff to be done. If you put tobacco in your mix, I wonder whether you are constantly hanging out for a tobacco fix, hence the irritability. Old news I know and you are probably sick of hearing it. I am trying to get things in order one step at a time, financial, health, motivation. The Champix tabs have got me started on a better path. Last thing you need is advice I know at this time. I feel a little sad reading this tonight and hope things really pick up for you. Linda x

  7. avatar
    gregra&gar | 25 May 2008 at 1:42 pm #

    Steve, I have read your blog for over a year now and I must say that it seems like your insistence that you are an artiste (no denying that you are one) keeps you unbalanced by denying your left brain, digital organization side. I mention this with all empathy, having experienced this myself. With such a purposeful leaning I was compensating with the rational that an artist worth his genius should be able to afford offices full of bean counters to take up such slack. It’s all one ball of wax, brother. Until I became responsible for the all the results of my actions and attitudes rather than adopting the favorable as my purpose and defining the hassles as the drudge others cause, the hassles never ceased. Just sayin’.

  8. avatar
    veleska1970 | 25 May 2008 at 3:53 pm #

    oh, steve, i’m sorry you’re going through such a rough patch right now. like davem said~~the onset of winter and your beloved daughters departing is enough to cause anyone to be depressed.

    “i long for some peaceful meadow ive never seen”
    hopefully you can realize this soon. staying cooped up, especially during the winter, is not good for the soul.

    peace and hugs to you.

    lotza love….

  9. avatar
    Thomas Thomsen, Denmark | 25 May 2008 at 4:01 pm #

    One of those days, huh?
    I know them all too well.

    That last line made me chuckle, Steve.

  10. avatar
    Jen Jewel Brown | 25 May 2008 at 4:34 pm #

    Some good folks here for you SK and I too have been regretting not spending enough time with the twillies before like glorious faeries disappearing into the mist they are gone across the world again to the land of snow and ice. Summer coming there … How about that Murwillumbah idea – sounds ideal. The place is full of healing, so old and sacred that coast, that land, those animals and fish and birds. Like to think of hippie Moses wandering with the wind in his hair there …

    I agree you’re actually a hyper-organised person, uber competent and clever, who nevertheless just needs an extra layer of inspired help. You have been achieving a ferocious workload. I reckon you just need to open the curtains enough to allow that help into your life. Surrender control and trust that the universe will bring the right help to you … The universe will bring the right help to you. Thanks for your extraordinary honesty and your terrific writing.

    xJ

  11. avatar
    kat | 25 May 2008 at 4:57 pm #

    sk,

    ah, the ‘ol winter blues & family dynamics are swirling. i think you are being too hard on yourself, and it does sound like you need a break. some rest. i have my days when i feel like i’m on the right track. others i feel like an old orphan and puffer and i are just a team of two. sounds silly, i know. hoping some extra sun shines for you asap.

  12. avatar
    verdelay | 25 May 2008 at 6:53 pm #

    This is the comment that’s gonna cheer you up
    This is the comment that makes you feel it’s all been worthwhile
    This is the comment that you’ve been waiting for
    This is the comment with all the answers
    This is the comment that reveals once and for all that G_D has been following your sorry tale with a wry smile
    This is the comment that’s written in the stars
    This is the comment whose number adds up to some great gematric truth
    This is the comment that’s concealed between the gummed up pages of the Good Book
    This is the comment that the birds sing about every morning
    This is the comment that will restore your hearing
    This is the comment that will restore your faith
    This is the comment that will revive your plants
    This is the comment that will smooth those lines
    This is the comment that you yourself wrote twenty years ago
    This is the comment that your grandchildren will read about in school
    This is the comment that will be forgotten by tomorrow
    This is the comment that you’ll start to skip over
    This is the comment that pisses all the other commenteers off
    This is the comment that sticks in your craw
    This is the comment that makes you see red
    This is the comment that makes you feel blue
    This is the comment that breaks the camel’s back
    This is the comment that jack built
    This is the comment that weeps over spilt milk
    This is the comment that takes the cake
    This is the comment just like every other comment
    This is the comment that teaches you The Great Lesson
    This is the comment that anyone could write, given the wherewithal and the opportunity
    This is the comment that never was
    This is the comment that the aether will take when I press ‘submit’
    This is the comment I never intended to write, but you’re reading it anyway
    This is the comment without any apparent end or purpose
    This is the comment you found in your pocket after an amazing night when you were 22
    This is the comment that stares back at you every night in your fifties
    This is the comment that’s simply a comment
    Take it or leave it, or don’t
    It’s entirely up to you

  13. avatar
    Brien Comerford | 25 May 2008 at 6:55 pm #

    If misery loves company, I’m in. On Thursday my supervisor and I both had our life threatened by a very scary employee. I hardly know the person and he vented intense hatred and festering rage at me. I’ve never talked to this person for more than 30 friendly seconds and he vehemently and violently hates me.

    I wish I lived in a Jain comunity in India. No homicides and no flesh-food !

  14. avatar
    Brien Comerford | 25 May 2008 at 7:48 pm #

    There are innately great vocalists such as the late Freddie Mercury, Paul McCartney and Neil Finn that one can only listen to for a few hours. Their vocals begin to overdominate the music. Conversely, there are exemplary vocalists who can be listened to all day long including Ray Davies, Steve Kilbey and Michael Stipe. The latter three blend with the music like resonant instruments. I don’t listen to The Kinks or REM these days but when I was a fan I could never stop playing their records. Church and solo SK music is audibly edifying for hours upon hours.

  15. avatar
    fantasticandy | 25 May 2008 at 8:16 pm #

    ‘This is the comment that pisses all the other commenteers off’

    no harry, this is the comment tha finally makes me realise why you got a mention in ‘that’ song.
    very cool….and i’m sure steve appreciates what your’e saying here…
    and so do i…..
    i think i wanna know ya….
    andy L.

  16. avatar
    mahatma kane jeeves | 25 May 2008 at 8:18 pm #

    and then one day you find ten years have got behind you, no one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun.

    that lyric keeps reverberating around my head at the moment when i think of my stalled career, my belly that is getting harder and harder to keep flat, my worry at the end of each month as to whether I will have enough in the account to pay the mortgage etc etc etc. we all feel the same i think.

    clyde bramley, reg fucking mombassa – i never get to go to parties like that. the closest i get is having a drink with my mate who was in xena, warrior princess – not really the same as hob-nob-ing with the elite of oz culture previous.

  17. avatar
    nickfiction | 25 May 2008 at 8:54 pm #

    man SK ,you sound down. I have said it before, but nobody likes a party pooper …… lay off the smoke for awhile. It will bring you down. Let those brain chemicals readjust. you can always go back. hope your spirits are lifted soon. Nick

  18. avatar
    paul296 | 25 May 2008 at 10:31 pm #

    SK

    know how
    you feel
    awoke this morning = something is changed
    +ve / -ve?
    can never quite
    figure it out
    yes
    always spend the last day of each holiday
    thinking about how it could continue
    if only i could learn how to let it..
    bless and love them away
    your children
    with words
    let the summercome
    and the winter must follow

  19. avatar
    eek | 26 May 2008 at 6:36 am #

    everythings driving me crazy

    Do I ever know that feeling — especially now! I had a mini meltdown over the weekend and I know more meltdownage is coming my way over the next couple of weeks. Ack!

    now arent you glad you waited two days to read this?

    Well, honestly, yeah I am. Not glad I waited two days, but I am glad that you are comfortable enough to post what you think and feel instead of what you think we want to read. I think everyone goes through times where everything we do seems wrong no matter how hard we try and we feel out of place and alien. I appreceiate your willingness to be open about the times you experience this even as I hope these feelings pass quickly for you.


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