posted on March 19, 2011 at 5:58 pm

bib and young fan at charity auction

by darryl beamish-froggart

photo by jenny taylor

bib pectin is one hell of a guy

loyal to his fans who shelled out 500 bucks a pop

he appeared last night at the sydney opera house in fine feckle

the opening act veteran oz rock band the crunch struggled against disinterest

the crowd were there to see bib and front man stephen kilbys monotone nasal

only seemed to inculcate a sense of estrangement

the band waded thru their 30 year career as if sleepwalking

the audience were happy when they played their last number n exeunt

for 20 minutes we tingled in anticipation

what would bib wear…?

how would it seem….?

would he look at any of us in the crowd and wink…?

eventually bibs signature the ride of the valkyries is heard

his band walk on

many cheers for gitto fropley on the drums returning after an

operation on his earlobes

fropley signals the intro to

one of bibs greatest songs

peter o’toole is my father

a song about freedom and ownership and disputed paternity

guitarists snog comely and gerard mewcuss hit their stride

trading riffs

their mullets weaving arabesques in the dazzling light show

bass player sammy lin astonishing the crowd with those amusing antics

yeah you know

the waddle the digging-a-ditch the evil naughty boogie

piano player dring mcmaster pounds them 88s

all hell breaks loose

as bib rides on stage on the back of an….emu…?

how fucking aussie is that?

later on it turns out that the “emu” was really roadies bernie and val

but from where i was sitting i swore it was the real deal

bib swaggers around showing off his abs and pecs

a woman near me fainted and was dragged away

down the front mayhem erupts as bib touches some lucky ladies hands

man he is so sincere

he grabs the microphone and out comes that crimpolene voice

that sound of a hundred saos and peanut butter

that sound of 5 thousand sauce bottle bongs

that sound of 50 thousand sherbets at the bungy bar

all the lucky lovely ladies hes kissed

his chiselled features ruggedly lined with experience

(he looked old :ed)

he sung our lives to us

“why dont you use a fucking rake..?” his ode railing against lief blowers

“chlorine puberty” his lament for an innocent poolboy seduced by a nasty cougar

“sherbets ahoy” a joyous ode to beer and drinking

” fuck!” a song exploring a stubbed toe and bibs anguish

“dorothy, give me a bloody break!” about his ex actress dorothy dolphin

here bib uses such authentic lyrics as the heartbreakingly wrenching

” i was only down the pub so whats the fucking problem?”

his song about road rage “it was fucking orange !”

with the whole crowd joining in on

“you stupid bastard howdja ever get a licence…..?”

until the crowd took the refrain taking it to new majestic heights

while bib re-enacted an altercation with a florists truck on old south head road

snog comely is the other driver brandishing his guitar frightening like a weapon

pectin works the crowd like a shaman from the olden days

sipping beer and smoking a cig

the opera house goes nuts for his take on the national anthem

on the line

our land is girt by sea

there is not a dry eye in the whole joint

a map of australia appears complete with dots for capitals

and lines for major rivers

and broken lines indicating the states and territories

bib points out the various members states and each receives a cheer

but local boy fropley gets a thunderous welcome

as bib uses his pointer to point at new south wales

NEW SOUTH FUCKING WALES bib ululates manfully

and the local unbiased crowd responds with swooning adulation and pride

bib yells out AND NEW FUCKING ZEALAND

and there is a slight pause with nervous laughter and confusion

until we all remember that fropleys mother indeed is from auckland

fropley jumps over the kit shaking a tambourine and the crowd go nuts

its a typical bib show

is he even human?

a suburban prophet

the bondi junction wonder boy

sydneys beloved displaced cockney bastard crooner and not a bad golfer

bib takes up a simple acoustic guitar for the haunting “bank error in your favour”

a song about a mistaken stray 300 bucks bib innocently noticed

his agent had forgotten to take his cut

and bib puts down his thoughts to a strident folky tune

“fuck him he’d diddle me so i should diddle him

fuck him

he’d fiddle me so i could fiddle him

commission bullshit

ive worked my balls off all my life

so this prick can buy a mercedes for his wife…?!”

the crowd are clearly moved

its a fantastic set

his version of hey jude is simply spell binding

standing with the scarf between his outstretched hands

he encourages the crowd to sway from side to side during the

na na na hey jude bit

such an incredible feeling of unity

the rest of the night is a blast

i lose track of the treasury of wonders bib unleashes

he returns after five delirious encores and does his classic song

“oh coogee”

a song about a broken surf board mysteriously fixed

and a vision of the virgin in the waves riding a ten foot malibu

” your halo framed by a huge fucking set

like grommet in the sand

or a sherbet from a can”

genius

i rest my case*

read my blog daily froggart@spawn.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

36 Responses to “bib in “la vrai vie” (real life for all the morons who dont speak french)”

  1. avatar
    cracka | 19 March 2011 at 6:14 pm #

    hilarious, Mr. K.
    love it
    luv’, cracka

  2. avatar
    Anonymous | 19 March 2011 at 7:02 pm #

    that is one of the saddest things I’ve ever read… poor bib.

  3. avatar
    steve cox | 19 March 2011 at 7:24 pm #

    Ha ha nice. Loving your work Bib! Nice pouting too!

  4. avatar
    Anonymous | 19 March 2011 at 7:43 pm #

    “Why don’t you use a fucking rake?”

    Chorus: I wanna know I wanna know I wanna know!

    Bridge: Gonna snap ya like a little twig, leafman
    Gonna stomp that noisy dragon in your hand

    AaaaaaIIIIIIIIIEeeeee! why don’t you use a fucking rake?

    (Chorus with emu)

  5. avatar
    hellbound heart | 19 March 2011 at 8:10 pm #

    fucking hell, steve, what am i supposed to say…….funny, funny, funny…….
    thanks m’man

    love always……….

  6. avatar
    princey | 19 March 2011 at 8:13 pm #

    Haha, you need a holiday mate 🙂

  7. avatar
    lisa gibbs | 19 March 2011 at 9:56 pm #

    Hey Steve,

    I especially love that when chlorine puberty is played backwards, right at the end you can hear the word ‘Australia’…

    How fucking aussie is that!

    Love Lisa Lisa

  8. avatar
    Karen | 19 March 2011 at 10:12 pm #

    Just came back from dins …was alrite some Thai

    popped in to see if there was anymore stuff to read

    and wa la or low and bee hold (my moron talk)

    god did I lol & I ha ha ed & hee hee ed

    ” fuck!” a song exploring a stubbed toe and bibs anguish

    that line above ^^^ made me truly snort aloud

    funny bugger

  9. avatar
    . | 19 March 2011 at 10:12 pm #

    bib is trapped in a prison without prison bars
    you can’t domesticate bondi’s son when he’s a shining star
    tripping the light fantastic on top of his golden plated golf cart
    all the lovely ladies swoon and sway when they touch his arm
    you’d die and live a thousand times over just to go to one of his parties
    his concert in times square was amazing, one of the best by far
    roman candles shooting from his sleeves, fans jumping in moonwalks
    confetti spraying from the rooftops, BASE jumpers from one times square
    jumbo trons zooming in on mr. bib’s most private and delicate parts
    his sweat dripping, collected and sold by the glass as an aphrodisiac
    better than new year’s eve, catch the next one, jump in the car…

  10. avatar
    fricke knuckle | 19 March 2011 at 10:28 pm #

    Most readers here would, of course, have learnt that bib’s oprah house gig was specially timed to coincide with the release of his essential (or, as the great man himself would say ‘semen-all’) anthology “biblickle”.

    Not only is every one of his 32 cd’s remastered (‘digitally!’ he reminds me) the boxed (‘ooh’) set come with bib’s super rare acoustic outing “the batteries in my remote are leaking acid all over my porno dvds (and I feel fine)”

    Previously only available as a flexi disc in a 1980s issue of ‘Brain Full of Bucket Bongs’ the track has taken on mythic status among bibophiles.

    “leaking batteries” and (for the first 200 000 buyers) the signature edition – but unsatisfyingly named – lobster napkin, should guarantee enough sales to keep our friend in golf balls and spray on tan for a good few years.

    (postscript: Duran Duran announce Australian tour – bib tweets that he is willing to take them on as a support)

  11. avatar
    Judith Miller | 19 March 2011 at 10:43 pm #

    J’aime The Church

  12. avatar
    Freddie | 19 March 2011 at 11:13 pm #

    Darryl, love yer blogs especially when you review the bib pectin concerts.
    He is just so..so WOW!!!
    I wish I could afford to see a show in person but (sigh) funds are always short.
    But as his plane flew once, years ago, I wrote in the sand very huge “I LOVE YOU BIB”
    Did he see it? Alas, I may never know.
    So thanks again for sharing your reviews.
    And please do talk Jenny into doing another photo documentary.
    The last one was breathtaking!
    Love,
    fb (forever bib)

  13. avatar
    hip to be square | 20 March 2011 at 12:54 am #

    glad to see you take things day to day, that’s reality

  14. avatar
    BROKEN TOYS AND HEROS | 20 March 2011 at 1:39 am #

    Ok …got it now, I understand clearly…the skies have parted, the sun now defines us all. You guys were opening up for…Aeroshit !!!

    Thats to fuckin funny. I see your settling in nicely back at home, and I love when you include the girls in the satire. Is that Aurora ??? If so, wow she gets taller everytime we see her. I bet she helped out with the cast from this story today, especially the names. If so, she IS well on her way to a writers frontier.

    Great Job Killer…

    Next installment…

    “BiB , not a true Aussie…Gets Deported back to Canada”

    “BiB , the sex change operation gone terribly wrong”

    or my new favorite : “BiB and the Ten Commandments…A personal Interpretation”

    AsAlways,
    Darrin K.

  15. avatar
    Tanya | 20 March 2011 at 2:28 am #

    Formidable!

  16. avatar
    Once | 20 March 2011 at 2:55 am #

    ME: Wake up, greet cats, go to the Circle K for coffee and cigs and a banana, come home, observe cats, let cats out, boot up computer, scroll thru Facebook, yawn.

    “Oh, haven’t read any ‘new Steve’ for a couple days…”

    Go to Time Being…

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! OMG!!! **spits coffee on keyboard, chokes on cig** “It was fucking orange!” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! **No, stop, incisions hurting, can’t breathe** HAHAHAHAHAHA!!

    WTF???! This is the funniest freakin’ thing I’ve ever read!! Where does this come from??

    Thank you. Seriously. Awesome.

    Donna

    *My (North London) ex used to scream, “It was fucking orange!” at every applicable intersection; we had a huge fight once cuz I maintained that the light was actually YELLOW, not orange; we finally called a truce and decided on amber.

  17. avatar
    Heather daydream | 20 March 2011 at 6:35 am #

    Hilarious!
    The comment from the audience about the Emu is a crackup.
    Makes me want to reprise my old band Rhino Violence so it can play it’s songs “Honda Indicator” and “You smell like a hand painted tie looks” during the support set.

    Aaah that was a good laugh. Thanks SK!

  18. avatar
    bigtommy | 20 March 2011 at 9:50 am #

    112 U.S. cruise missiles fired into libya today. Barack Obama…. finally…. a good guy!

    • avatar
      Once | 21 March 2011 at 3:23 am #

      I tried to avoid the World Headlines yesterday, but got bored and put on CNN.

      For the record, it’s the U.S., Great Britain, France (!), Spain, Italy, Canada, and Qatar. Operation…wait for it…”Odyssey Dawn”! **laughs hysterically at name**

      No political opinions will be expressed here, of course; one musical one, tho. WHY does Tripoli have to be involved? Everytime I watch an update, I go, “To the SHOOORES of TRIP-OOO-LEEEEE!!” Geez, I hope we never bomb Bangkok (“Tea, girls, warm and sweet, sweet/Some are set up in the Somerset Maugham suite!”)..over and over and over…ARGH!

      😉

    • avatar
      tikodino | 21 March 2011 at 11:16 am #

      Nobel peace prize winner authorized use of tomohawk missiles and b2 bombers. shame shame

      Iraq…still there
      Afghanistan…escalated
      torture center at gitmo….still open for business
      New war: libya

      hope and change, indeed!

      • avatar
        thetimebeing | 21 March 2011 at 12:51 pm #

        dear you
        i told you i can see its you who writes all this stuff
        so you dont have to bother thinking of a new name each time you write this stuff
        what do you fucking care about japan or afghanistan or whatever?
        your mind is centred on a stupid title i gave a painting 3 years ago
        so what are you saying over and over
        except i was wrong in hoping we’d get someone who could lead the west out of war
        and youre a creepy little stalker firing off letters under different names to a washed up pop singer because youre obsessed with me
        otherwise you wouldnt bother
        who else would care what my opinion was on george bush or anybody else?
        im a fucking singer im not a statesman
        ok
        now why are you still here?

      • avatar
        Once | 22 March 2011 at 8:16 am #

        ANYWAY. Admittedly, I really do love this song – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uTtI1MCSvCA&feature=fvst

        …and was surprised to discover that it was composed by Bjorn Ulvaeus and Benny Andersson (ABBA!), with lyrics of course by Tim Rice.

        The lyrics remind me of “Is This Where You Live” in some ways (although ONIB was written at least 3 years later, and is much more literal, lacking the visceral impact of ITWYL); and I really like the theme of intellect vs. hedonism that is portrayed therein.

        I’ve never seen the musical (“Chess” – yes, I’ve seen “Cats” at least 3 times, lol)…so I have no idea if the rest of it plays on that theme, or turns into the typical ALW…uh, thing.

        I would dearly love to see you in a musical, tho, SK. You’d have to write it, of course – sans cat costumes, technicolor dreamcoats and people whizzing around on rollerskates…your writing is so visual anyway, and your other talents all add up…bet it would be great. Part of what brings this to mind was the last U.S. tour, with 3 “acts” – a step closer to that format, anyway; musicals kinda get a bad rap, they don’t have to be so freakin’ literal, do they? Aside from following a general storyline (“Cats” barely does, it’s more a series of vignettes)…geez, the “Bib” blog practically IS one already…

        Anyway, it’s raining here and I’m rambling…

        Cheers.

  19. avatar
    Cocoamo | 20 March 2011 at 10:22 am #

    Goes to show ya there really are always two kinds of people in this world. In this case, those who think leaf blowers are handy dandy and those who don’t.

    (Of course, the profound truth is that there are actually two kinds of people in this world, those who say there are two kinds of people in this world, and those who don’t)

    But I digress.

    Well, anyone who rails against leaf blowers is okay in my book.

    (Why can’t they use a rake, f-n or otherwise?)

    Long live Bibb Pectin!

    Your Friend in Pennsylvania
    (Now in Cocoa Beach)

  20. avatar
    Crasher | 20 March 2011 at 10:57 am #

    My sister-in-law’s stepbrother’s half-cousin claims his ex-girlfriend’s tax lawyer became a big fan of Bib’s through his friendship with Dorcas (Dork to his mates) Sneedling.
    Bib allegedly helped Dork out of a jam one night when he was pickled.
    This tax lawyer chap; a Mr Justin Case, also has the only copy of a rare bootleg of the crunch playing a live gig at an insecure psychiatric facility in Orange, NSW circa 29th February 1979 (8:12pm to 9:28pm).
    A quite smooth performance,it moved the audience……they all left.
    This bootleg rather is insensitively titled “live and unhinged”.
    A rather unkempt Bib was there that night…claims he was an orderly.
    But hearing the crunch made something gel within him.
    He decided he wanted to be a rockstar.
    He found a manager (couldn’t find one with a capital M).
    This manager (Pennyfold Barley) suggested he change his surname name to Exit (“it’ll be there, up in lights,in every theatre and auditorium in the country” )was the claim.
    Thankfully Bib rejected this and stuck with his own name.
    The rest is……geography.
    Now of course this is 5th hand information….and you know how stories can become embellished as they get passed around.

  21. avatar
    Cocoamo | 20 March 2011 at 12:36 pm #

    My oh my – this is one of the few times I think the comments are as funny as the blog. Must be the Perigee?

    Your friend (and Bib’s) ‘n Pennsylvania
    (Now in Cocoa Beach)

  22. avatar
    Martha | 20 March 2011 at 12:50 pm #

    Although I’ve been on a plutonium rock binge lately (concrete bunker reserved and all), I must admit that railing against leaf blowers is a subject quite close to my spleen. And the review did really kinda make me wish I’d been there…

  23. avatar
    eekie | 20 March 2011 at 8:30 pm #

    Got a good laugh out of this!

    Lovely photo of both too.

  24. avatar
    Ryan | 21 March 2011 at 1:04 am #

    LMAO – brilliant song titles

  25. avatar
    mattyc | 21 March 2011 at 1:28 am #

    can’t wait for the US tour, there are, I hope you know, a growing number of Pectin fans here. the emu could be a problem though as all manner of flying creatures (or reasonable facsimiles thereof)have been banned from US stages since Ozzie munched that bat’s head. anyway I digress…hope Bib’s in a good mood, it would suck if he yells at, or generally derides, us. the abuse will be worth it though if he plays “Fuck”, the anguish of the stubbed toe and sublime path to healing helped to save my marriage! (for a couple of weeks anyway). if he announces that one of the roadies is from providence rhode island we’ll go fucking nuts…

  26. avatar
    mattyc | 21 March 2011 at 3:20 am #

    FUCK!lyrics by b.pectin/p.sinfield -(lyrical analysis by m.hardlee notist)
    reprinted with the kind permission of ben dover and lykit ltd.

    FUCK!
    my toe hurts like a bitch
    my father’s an asshole (latent hostilities to mr o’toole?)
    my mother’s a witch (metaphysical meanderings)
    the wheel of my caddy
    is stuck in a ditch (hats of to neil young)
    my pants’ got a boner
    my eyes’ got a twitch
    c’mom sheila
    we oughta get hitched

    FUCK!
    who put that damn door in the way
    the way that i’m screaming
    they may think i’m gay
    better line up the lovlies
    i’ll pork ’em all day (bib’s virility has never been questioned)
    a little warm ointment
    goes a long way
    then they’ll all know
    that i’ve not gone astray (always trying to debunk the bowie rumours)

    FUCK!
    the swelling’s subsiding at last
    the lines are all written
    the mold has been cast (ever the fatalist)
    peace, love and good will
    hope you all have a blast (bib’s long held belief that the earth will
    be vaporized by an extra-terrestrial plasma
    energy vortex, possibly klingon)
    cos people to me
    are a pain in the ass (bib’s existential predilections are evident here)

  27. avatar
    andy | 21 March 2011 at 5:16 am #

    ah…a ‘proper’ laff-fest!
    kinda shows what a well-rounded human being you are too.

    despite your protestations towards the opposite…………….

  28. avatar
    Steven Krut | 21 March 2011 at 5:18 am #

    I hope you realize that in some parallel universe bib actually exists just as you describe him. This is probably the same universe in which you own a Taj Mahal-replica mansion in Switzerland right next to Bowie’s and travel about in a hovercraft limo that’s driven by Otto Rapp. 🙂

    • avatar
      a different man | 21 March 2011 at 8:04 am #

      a parallel universe and Bowie is still a megastar?
      I can see how that could happen

  29. avatar
    B.Bon | 21 March 2011 at 11:36 am #

    Oh my word

  30. avatar
    Paul | 23 March 2011 at 2:25 am #

    All hail Bib!

    Now that the show is over, I, common rock music fan, demand that you begin creating the next masterpiece, which I will purchase, listen to and judge. As the common rock music fan, it’s all about my need for the proper aural stimulation, so please get back to work immediately.

    Also on my list of common rock music fan demands are that someone needs to shave guitarist Gerard Mewcuss’ mug while he sleeps. I don’t trust guitarists who hide their chins. It’s as if something nefarious is afoot underneath. Chins have to be watched lest they become empowered by too much freedom and run amok.

    I digress.

    Also, please make the new record(!) exactly like [Insert Favorite Crunch Record from Favorite Era Here]. As the common rock fan, I must have style symmetry. Sonic change frightens me, so please supply sameness.

    Also, may I get Bib’s autograph so that I may peddle it?

    All hail Bib!


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