posted on July 31, 2009 at 4:58 pm

life
isnt it strange…..
i spend the day walking in the botanic gardens
then hanging round at riverstage
which is a big outdoor gig within the gardens
all day long i been plagued by a vague panic
like the universe is stepping up the ante
i sit and chat briefly to some performers
but i dont have much to say….”er…i’m jetlagged..”
of course i should be schmoozing n boozing
and getting my name around
but i’m like an energiless gormless blob
my conversations go nowhere
it begins to get cold and i brought nothing warm
i sit there freezing and tired and quite frankly bored
i wish it would be my turn soon
but i wait n wait n wait till its quite dark
i walk on
keep my eyes closed
go thru my rehearsal of images of london
mix up the words in the first verse
quite a wooden version
it doesnt matter
its just an early run through
i walk back home about 20 minutes
and turn the ac up to full heat
and struggle to stay awake
be back at nine they say
i wake up at quarter to nine
feeling like the mother of all jet lag just gave me a TKO
when the phone rings
its cath from production
you can stay there…no need to come back…
wow…a reprieve….
i go straight to bed
where the strangest n most horrible dreams
gnag n gnaw at my brain
even in rest
i get pulled over the coals
on some dreamed up distorted riverstage
my sleeping outta control confused mind has invented
where everything is wrong
where everything is chaos
and in my dream i struggle n i struggle n i struggle
i am old and invisible and hopeless and wanting
wanting something so bad
crying n weeping n sobbing in the dream
so stupid
i do not realise i am trapped between the pains of a dream
do not know i am asleep on the 31st floor in a soft bed
in some generic apartment
in amongst thousands of other generic apartments
all around the lights flash n glitter
the windows reflecting the night
while in my dream
i go to town on myself
amplifying the days tepidity
into a morbid stumble thru a catalogue of fears
the people in my dream avoid me
or gaze on me with impatient pity
while i thrash around in my own bad karma
and fry in negligence
and still i wonder even in the dream
what is causing all this?
so i decide to get up
i’m an old rocker with jet lag n bad dreams…get over it!
suddenly the glamour seems awfully thin
and i wonder what i’m doing here
here in this twenty first century…
the twenty first century since what….?
here on this computer
i take for granted
an aluminium one stop shot for all your needs
it can take your picture
it can play chess with you
its got pictures of naked ladies if you want em
its got the temperature and the time
its got endless advertisements and messages
its got all the info on everything that ever was
and yesterday
i see a hundred computers all like mine
the same exact model
all doing their gigs backstage all joined up
all lined up
hey we didnt have this when i was a kid
we didnt have this when i was thirty three n a third
am i any happier……? no!
just more stuff to take you down into its web
is that what you want?
but now we got it…it can never go away….
so in the very act of bitching about it…i’m using it…
my feet are cold again….
my future will be coldness
feeling raw and cold
thats where i’m heading
if you think this blog is too much
try to think of it as you would sartres nausea
i merely observe my self
going up n down
one minute puffed up with his own importance
the next
deflated and anxious, grasping at strawberries
this is the stuff the others cant give you
and really you might not even want it
i have made up my mind
when i am re-stabilized
to write about nothing but music
for the month of september
when i hit 55 wailing n gnashing my tooth
fripp n eno play on in the darkness
this darkest hour before the dawn
i guess yoga is my only option
tho even it fills me with no enthusiasm
some shadow has laid me low
and i just gotta wait……

38 Responses to “brisbane 333 AM”

  1. avatar
    Anonymous | 31 July 2009 at 6:26 pm #

    i hate days like that.
    no logic no rhyme no reason, knowing full well that the universe and all it's wonder could open up for you and only you and you would still feel blah.
    my wife calls them "heavy soul days".
    just have to go through the motions of living until life itself returns…

    ansible jon

  2. avatar
    A. Kite | 31 July 2009 at 6:27 pm #

    Hang in there, fellow Virgo. The Meridian is close at hand.

  3. avatar
    plumlady | 31 July 2009 at 6:36 pm #

    You sound so lonely and run down; it's a temporary thing. Remember all you care for you, and all your talent. Let it all rest.

    It's beautiful in Minnesota. My daughter gets married today; I'm a wreck. I too, feel old and wonder what doom lies ahead for me or for this wonderful young couple. But I focus on only happy thoughts. She has made all the right choices in love and in life; my story didn't always follow the right paths. But I'm in a good place now, have been for quite some time now. Everything always works out how its supposed to in the end.

  4. avatar
    matthew | 31 July 2009 at 6:38 pm #

    Steve, thanks… that was such an emotional ride! All I can offer is this: take care, you are loved! I know you'll bounce back completely ok.

  5. avatar
    EDD | 31 July 2009 at 6:58 pm #

    Whatever shall we do with you, sir? Unfortunatly, it's your lonliness that fuels you. I know of it too, even in a crowd. Wait a little while;you probably won't be alone for long……

  6. avatar
    veleska1970 | 31 July 2009 at 7:05 pm #

    we love you, so don't fret so much. you'll be feeling better soon. i think it's all just a lack of deep rest, which you need.

    have a good day, steve.

    lotza love…..

  7. avatar
    Ellen | 31 July 2009 at 7:29 pm #

    Modern technology: both a blessing and a bane.

    Sounds like you're having a "low" day. Whenever that happens to me, I look past my current misery and remind myself that "this too shall pass." So shall it be with you.

    And thanks for letting me comment on your blog. It's not everyday that I can "interact" with a genius (I rarely use that word)!

  8. avatar
    Thomas Thomsen, Denmark | 31 July 2009 at 7:57 pm #

    What a bleak picture!

    Steve, you're only turning 55. Don't contemplate old age and death so much. What if you live to be 80 or 90 years old? You're gonna spend all those years worrying about "the end"?

    You're healthy and alive. Count your blessings.

    Best wishes,

    Thomas.

  9. avatar
    esne snoner | 31 July 2009 at 8:01 pm #

    you're a fambley man sk – i can count 3 of them of which one you just took on a romp through the u s of a – you're current disquiet is because you know now more than ever you need the company of a fambley

    some chasps can cut it alone and solo – but given the alternatives for you any wonder you're pining now – all will be good and wonderful back in bondi

  10. avatar
    Anonymous | 31 July 2009 at 8:14 pm #

    I think you may perhaps enjoy the new music from Jonsi & Alex, 'Riceboy Sleeps'. It's a bit of an ambient trip, good for candles at night and a bit of a chillout session.

    Glad you finally got round to blogging again over the last few days, as I got a wee bit worried when it all went quiet after all the tour and travelogues.

    Wishing you well, and hope you can find some semblance of equilibrium in the coming weeks.

    SJM

  11. avatar
    frostatmidnight | 31 July 2009 at 8:32 pm #

    Ah, you sensitive males haha. This century is nice enough, yet other centuries would be even nicer. The only thing we need to invent now is a time machine so you can take your pick of centuries to peruse and explore.

    Just imagine: one morning Medieval England ("bring out your dead!" wait, maybe that's not such a good idea after all), then Renaissance Venice, and on another day the decadent and debauched French poets are pounding the pavements all around you and you're bumping into Lautreamont. Forget computers, do ya think Silicon Valley has it in them?

    Enjoy your Eno — always an excellent choice for the awakening dawn.

    love,
    kristine

  12. avatar
    Cee | 31 July 2009 at 9:02 pm #

    See, when I feel like that they tell me it's pms!

  13. avatar
    Mr. Ricky | 31 July 2009 at 9:19 pm #

    wow. for what its worth. i feel like i am in that same place right now…

  14. avatar
    cocoamo | 31 July 2009 at 9:26 pm #

    I will send you strength. You will feel better tomorrow.

  15. avatar
    fantasticandy | 31 July 2009 at 9:40 pm #

    rest.
    do you ever really listen to anyone?
    rest.
    f'kin simple.
    do it.
    we'll all stil be here y'know…

  16. avatar
    the dean | 31 July 2009 at 9:42 pm #

    how much of our lives do we spend being where we don't want to be –
    haunted by ourselves

  17. avatar
    iseult | 31 July 2009 at 10:30 pm #

    there's some comforting trees in the botanic gardens, my favourite is about half way along the top path that runs parallel to QUT, I call it the Lemuria tree you'll know it when you see it

    xxxx

  18. avatar
    Anonymous | 31 July 2009 at 10:37 pm #

    sk,
    really enjoying the ambient/ instrumentals of kilbey/kennedy
    available from cdbaby.com

    get over there folks and spend that money.

    richard m.

  19. avatar
    Renee | 31 July 2009 at 10:43 pm #

    The Song Of Shadows by Walter de la Mare

    "Sweep thy faint strings, Musician,
    With thy long lean hand;
    Downward the starry tapers burn,
    Sinks soft the waning sand;
    The old hound whimpers couched in sleep,
    The embers smoulder low;
    Across the walls the shadows
    Come, and go.

    Sweep softly thy strings, Musician,
    The minutes mount to hours;
    Frost on the windless casement weaves
    A labyrinth of flowers;
    Ghosts linger in the darkening air,
    Hearken at the open door;
    Music hath called them,
    Dreaming,
    Home once more."

  20. avatar
    Hellbound Heart | 31 July 2009 at 11:19 pm #

    oh man you gotta get home to your family real quick, matey….that's what you need, people who love you around…..hang in there, sweetie…

    love always….

  21. avatar
    deacon12 | 31 July 2009 at 11:21 pm #

    On the 31st floor,
    A gold-plated door,
    Won't keep out the Lord's burning rain.

  22. avatar
    Brien Comerford | 31 July 2009 at 11:29 pm #

    Your ever expansive mind is concurrently a virtue and a vice. Brilliant, visionary people are invariably beset by the blues and existential despair. Your boundless talent is both a blessing and a curse. God bless you and I revere the Creator for bestowing with so much virtuosity and creativity. As for me "I Am A Was" as Morrissey would croon.

  23. avatar
    EdibleWildPlants | 31 July 2009 at 11:56 pm #

    get out of the city, no phone, no mirror

  24. avatar
    loolaabillions | 1 August 2009 at 12:12 am #

    oh sweets

    sedation??
    no maybe just
    a good one on one
    break with your beloved…..xx

  25. avatar
    Freddie | 1 August 2009 at 12:44 am #

    Steve,
    You’ve not had much real rest in a long time.
    Your nerves are frayed and that can make one sense shadows that don’t really exist
    When you get home, I think you ought to relax in the warmth of just being there for awhile
    Shut off some of the stimulus; unplug from the net for awhile
    Just shut it all out (the whole world)
    and spend some time resting among your loved ones.
    At least until you get re-centered and internal clock reset.
    Remember to keep your mind clear
    and know that you’re loved and appreciated by so many
    You may feel alone but you never really are.
    You’re a good one.
    xoxo
    Freddie

  26. avatar
    Wil-O | 1 August 2009 at 1:57 am #

    hey Kil-O

    looking forward to yer show this afternoon. would love to catch up with your goode self after the performance – i'll try to hang around somewhere visible.

    love
    Wil-O

  27. avatar
    Jasperina | 1 August 2009 at 2:38 am #

    Ghostly that picture of you. Shadow of your former self right now. Zapped…even in a sad state somethin shimmering always comes through. Because even when your empty, tired and lonely you still got that yearning spirit just to b a better man. I want your bad dreams to go away but they gotta play themselves out I suppose. Yoga will find the way for you….

  28. avatar
    2424dad | 1 August 2009 at 2:57 am #

    It's the comedown baby! You've been goin full on a long time – the tour – traveling all over – crossing time zones – the body has to catch up! Take notes – lots of messages being provided.

    Get rest

  29. avatar
    linjo | 1 August 2009 at 3:15 am #

    Dear Steve
    I agree with TT of D. I do aged care in their homes and the other day visited a lady who happened to have her boyfriend there. He was 91 with the sharpest of wit and excellent mobility and dare I say still a bit of a saucy old devil!! Such a great positive spirit. They were planning their next campervan holiday for when she was better.
    Get home soon and have had a good rest up and love up. Best wishes, Linda x

  30. avatar
    I FEEl iT | 1 August 2009 at 3:59 am #

    AUGH, MUSIC
    SOURCE OF LIFE!

    HANDSOME DEVIL…

  31. avatar
    treed | 1 August 2009 at 4:17 am #

    I just treated myself to your boxed set for my birthday. In addition to the all the other nice things that came my way today, now I still have a magical gift to look forward to. Funny how I knew exactly what I wanted!

    (smiles)

  32. avatar
    J Us T K NE w iT | 1 August 2009 at 4:52 am #

    "…how we perceive the world is based on the physical constraints of the eye, a conversion of images, and a broader cultural perception.

    ever since the Renaissance, civilization has attempted to transfer the 3D reality of our surroundings onto the 2D plane by means of perspective: the isometric, the one-point, two-point, three-point, and even the four-point (curved space) perspective.

    by piercing the customary limits of perspective THE FIFTH PERSPECTIVE creates inclined dynamics which are impossible in the linear perspective.

    it permits spacial paradox, a the positioning of emphasis and focal point exactly required by the vision of the artist.

    it opposes the tyranny. it permits movement. it ensures plausibility without the bluntness of realism. it bestows realism with a hint of irony or playfulness…"

  33. avatar
    princey | 1 August 2009 at 5:02 am #

    Just one more sleep 'til you're back home sk, hang in there:)))))
    love Amanda

  34. avatar
    Johnsense | 1 August 2009 at 5:44 am #

    Your feeling low, but you have so much… what can I say to you… it must somehow be exciting to be a part of that gig in Briz… turn off the jet lag… with eyes closed an a mind full of magic & chaos… sing your song into the ears and through-into the soles in the crowd… an as the sound of your voice falls away, resonating in peoples ears… falling upon flowers and leaves… the ‘voice’ in the air will come to rest; softly falling on the water to float on… imprinted onto the listeners memory…

    from the rust-belt of ‘em-air-i-ca’ best wishes included…

    John

  35. avatar
    davem | 1 August 2009 at 8:35 am #

    We love you Mr Kilbey. Loads!

  36. avatar
    eek | 1 August 2009 at 8:45 am #

    The pic certainly tells the story today.

    I think that people who feel deeply — and you are most certainly such a person — are prone to the hellish times such as you are having now. But you are also able to experience the best, most wondrous times also. I know that doesn't really help right now, but my wish for you is that those wondrous times are waiting just around the corner for you.

    I and many others, believe in and adore you. Please remember that during your deflated and anxious times.

    And I'm sure getting back to your family for a more extended time will do you a world of good. 🙂

  37. avatar
    Centuryhouse | 2 August 2009 at 5:44 am #

    Thanks for writing that Steve. I hope the bad dreams are fleeting and are replaced with better.

    Oh – nice call on the Fripp / Eno!

  38. avatar
    Anonymous | 3 August 2009 at 9:25 pm #

    i love you. I know it must be hard getting on the round about flying among the stars then crashing to earth. but your life is fully lived and i know this computer malarkey can be a pile of bollocks, and that the world is tugging on you from all directions. all i know is that when I put on any of yer records or read yer bloggs that my life is improved and I feel more connected to the world. I am a bit eccentic and I sing your songs walking down the streets of glasgow with me ipod on like any great poet thier words are better sang off yer own tounge to get the full essence of the feeling of the words. people look at me like im odd but when you uter rge words "buckle like a wreck in a cold green sea like you were a ripple.." in the middle of tescos on tuesday afternoon it is a total liberation..as you know cause you wrote it.


Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.