posted on July 16, 2008 at 9:41 pm

bear with me
a little longer
i may bite
i may growl
i may sulk off in the darkness of my cage
life hurts…ouch!
life breeds strange currents
life causes death
life on earth
life like love
move on move on
so easy to take umbrage
my thin skin which admits ideas
it also admits insults and sleights
it also admits the numerous implications of your looks and words
it also detects your futile need to compete
i am awake and perpetually on it
i walk through crowds of fools
i swim through rivers of lives
i casually master any skill
god appears before me as devil
devil appears behind me as god
friends betray us…then forgive them
enemies fling their barbs…oh never in person…
the world turns its back and moves on
as it were ever so
i sit down to count my blessings
when i am rudely interrupted
by news of more personal failures
my ships have gone down at sea
and thus my cargo is lost…i am fucking ruined
and ruinously
alas and alack….have someone executed or something
life is cruel
you can get over a scratch like that though, cant you
oh look…i used a comma
i promised you no commas and then bang….a comma
look,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
that’ll make up for all the times i forgot
see i can make up the rules in my life
life life life
what what what is life, boy?
answer me, boy
answer me kilbey
kilbey: life is hard sir
sir : wheres the comma, boy
kilbey : sorry, sir…life is hard, sir
sir : and why is life so hard, boy?
kilbey : (mumbles) i dunno, sir
sir : what, boy ..?.you dont know….?
kilbey : because
sir : go on …..!
kilbey (becoming bolder) ; because….
sir : yes….?
kilbey : BECAUSE I WANT IT ALL, SIR!
i want warm days in winter, sir
i want the summer sun not to burn
i want to eat n eat n never grow fat
i want to hurt n hurt n never get hurt
i want to laugh n laugh but never cry
i want the stuff that killed everybody else but i dont wanna die
i want some more safe danger
i want to intrude on other people with my 8 year old self
i want to be loved n loved even tho i hate n hate
i want the moon but leave it in the sky as well
i want my coke and snort it
i want nights without sleep
and days without consciousness
i want to live forever but never age
i want to understand how i could be so misunderstood
i am no ordinary man
yet i am no extraordinary man neither
i applied for a job as a renaissance man recently
i saw an ad for one in the paper
i arranged an interview
i turned up with my paintings n records n books n blogges
i turn up with my fender bass and my big box of sennelier pastels
i turn up with my riffs and my racket
i turn up with my allusions n my fucking on a mat appear
i turn up with my white beard like a king from days of olde
i turn up with my mellifluous voice like a distant french horn
my magicians tapered fingers and soft grey eyes
with my flower power schtick and my jingo jive
with my groovy doo-dahs and my funky soy chicken
sit down and wait says the receptionist
but …but..but…stutters my mellifluous voice
sit down and wait she says
ok ok
i sitting there
i singing some painkiller
sir please be quiet says the receptionist
i singing then that olde song
the one i wrote about the hash star in amsters damn via lactea galactica
you know the one in the film about rudy neuman in miami vice, captain
everyone must know my little standard
everyone will know my little aussie classic
my mellifluous voice starts up
sometimes when this plaice gets kinda …uh…
he’ll see you now sir says the receptionist showing me in
you should be called a deceptionist i say
yes sir goodbye sir she says
i am in a large office
with fabulous views of the beach and the distant snowcovered alps
plush plush plush
the furniture has a soft sound
everything is muted or subdued
a big important (much younger) man sits there
he is dressed in an impeccable suit
it falls off his magnificent physique
like water off a ducks back
his hair is thick and lustrous
his face is perfectly lineless
his hands…tanned and manicured
his shirt …its…beautiful
well…?…he says
can you dance?
a little…i say
lets see he says
but …what about music…i say
what do you want ? he says
do you have once upon the seas of abyssinia by tyrannosaurus rex? i ask
instantly the strains of the song begin piped in somewhere
i dance around to the song
after about 20 seconds the music abrubtly ends
sit down please he says
can you sculpt…no?
i shake my head
opera?
no
read music…no…really..?!.hmmm…
can you tell jokes?
yes i say
go on then
there was a opium addict and a nun and jesus
all on this desert island and the addict says to jesus..
thatll do says the man
can you paint ? says the man
yes i say beginning to unroll my scrolls
in oils on canvas ? he asks
i shake my head sadly
i put my scrolls away
what about poetry ? he says skimming through my books
got any poetry? he asks
well uh…those you got there….were…um
oh? he says embarrassed….quite..
well can you sing? he says
i whip out my piano and i do that song
you know that famous one
that one that sold quite a few last century somewhere else
before i even get to the chorus he interrupts me
got anything sexy? he says and winks condescendingly
i do that other one the one with the good bits
yeah ok he says after a few bars
we sit in silence for a while
i write blogs too..i volunteer
yes yes he says
we sit in silence some more
i can see some rich guys down there on the beach
i can see some rich guys skiing on the alps
some other rich guy knocks on the office door
i see my interviewer motion to him : one more minute
look he says
i can offer you the job if youre willing to compromise a little
what should i do i ask hopefully
look he says
go out there
do some opera
do some big exhibitions
get some good reviews
get in some big productions
you know you could get a part of a male witch in wicked
try to take in some acting lessons
get a m.a. in lit
or get a phd in zoology or something
do some tv
do some theatre
write some more hits
and come back n see me when youre ready, ok?
ok i mumbled
goodbye the receptionist smiled
goodbye i said…see you soon i added
yeah…she softly laughed

23 Responses to “comma-less as usual”

  1. avatar
    Hellbound Heart | 16 July 2008 at 11:26 pm #

    christ, what we want are often the things we often can’t have…i know i crave the ungettable and knowing i can’t have it doesn’t stop the need…
    you talked of mediocrity yesterday…isn’t it a damn shame that what makes so many people happy and contented can be so crappy…
    anyway, the sun’s shining outside and it looks like it’s going to be a beautiful day, going out to enjoy it for a while…have a great day, all…
    love always…

  2. avatar
    Anonymous | 16 July 2008 at 11:33 pm #

    …JUST SPEAK .

  3. avatar
    fantasticandy | 16 July 2008 at 11:55 pm #

    the harder you try to produce work of real worth,
    the further from the mainstream you become…….

    ‘strive to be unique and you find yourself alone’.
    that’s a quote from a dudes song.
    we know how it is.
    showbiz eh?
    ….what a crock!
    luv,
    andy L.

  4. avatar
    princey | 17 July 2008 at 12:15 am #

    Hi sk,
    I hope nothing really bad has happened to make you feel like this today, we all can't have everything we want, and yeah, it sucks!!!!

    A man with "tanned and manicured hands", so what!, give me the claws of a mangy panther anyday! 🙂

    Takecare ttb & love2u,
    Amanda

  5. avatar
    Anonymous | 17 July 2008 at 12:38 am #

    dont accept “rainchecks”on promises

  6. avatar
    kat | 17 July 2008 at 1:42 am #

    from the heavens to the bottom of the sea.. (julian cope) whew, well i jumped on the trampoline tonite. i love it! except puffer walked under it and i almost bounced on her head & it katapulted me in a different direction. think she will stay inside next time.

    sk, i think you would really fit in at grace brothers. or i can totally see you in a peter sellers type film. the world needs good comedy.

    speaking of comedy, today at work was a classic. i was standing up front at work talking to the administrator about some accounts and some dude handed in his mechanical aptitude test to see if he could perform out in the shop full time. after he asked how soon we would know something about his scores, he turned around, totally missed the door way back out, and walked straight into the supply closet. 🙂

    i'm lovin' heydey.

    peace, all,

  7. avatar
    Anonymous | 17 July 2008 at 2:57 am #

    my name is Gen.

  8. avatar
    the dean | 17 July 2008 at 3:30 am #

    It’s a tough gig being a renaissance man.
    Easier to be a renaissance woman – all you need to do is put on a little weight and lie naked on the couch.

  9. avatar
    knot | 17 July 2008 at 4:17 am #

    If you are a warlock in Wicked
    I shall laugh & laugh
    What next, Harry Potter?

    though I do have a weakness for Professor Snape

  10. avatar
    knot | 17 July 2008 at 4:21 am #

    as far as punctuation goes, I do prefer the ellipse …

  11. avatar
    ...being here, doing this... | 17 July 2008 at 5:13 am #

    “when i get home
    i bounce up the stairs
    nk greets me at the door
    very worried
    um scarlet got at your painting she says
    oh no
    i feel icy feelings of rage destroying my bonhomie
    no no not my painting…
    i run to my room
    FUCKEN JESUS
    shes taken some turquoise paint
    and smeared it all over the face and body of a painting
    a painting i’m doing for a friend
    a painting i’d been carefully n lovingly working on
    now schmeared in thick turquoise gouache
    all over the pink pastel skin
    i do a little dance in my rage
    and i liberally sprinkle my exclamations with the word FUCKEN
    the people all disappear outta the house to get away from the madman
    as they drive off im still FUCKEN FUCKEN FUCKEN away
    eventually i start trying to work on it
    i dab at the paint with wet tissues trying to take the worst away
    shes slapped it on thick too
    ( as well as eating half a tube herself apparently)
    i knew it was coming
    only the day before i’d run into my studio
    and found her poised before my painting with a roller
    shes been fascinated watching me work
    and i know she wants to have a go
    so it wasnt totally outta the blue…(bad choice of words…)
    but….FUCKEN HELLL!!!!!
    anyway after about twenty minutes
    im left with large pale blue stains and the pastel all funny
    i start the laborious process of trying to cover the paint with pastel
    then fixing it
    and going over it again n again
    after a couple of hours work
    the guy in the painting looks like he just came from the panel beaters
    with white crusty bits where hes been fixed up
    i aint been game to get to the next stage yet
    so i dunno if i can totally fix it up….
    bloody bastard kids……!@!!!! (sorry joycie)
    of course i still love lil scarlet n all
    but christ…
    my anger exhausts me
    i just sit there for a cuppla hours recuperating”

    ~

    i feel the rage
    i feel the anger
    i feel the pain
    i feel the fear
    i feel the powerlessness

    your love is so great

    when the longing to provide

    is accidently thwarted

    the powerlessness within
    is activated

    it catapults from
    fear
    to pain
    to anger
    to rage

    in an instant

    question the basis of the powerlessness

    no amount of paintings
    or music and song
    or money and material comfort

    will ever match
    the gift that is most valued…

    your love

  12. avatar
    Anonymous | 17 July 2008 at 5:22 am #

    Oh,, dear,, you always punctuated me. Even in your delirious continuous flow marked by petrous silent interruptions.
    Strangely, my mother married my father at July 16th and she also begin to pass to the other side at July 16th. She got in coma, fearfully featuring just one “m”, after a fucked up brain surgery.
    (Death is just a brief useless comma?) Inept doctors, the disease that kills the most. The same disease that took my father away from us six years before. So, this is it, life, death, love and rebirth all at the same date/day/mark. There is so much sentiment bursting here that I can’t write. Rare phenomenon. You can’t see my pauses. Oh, she admired you so deeply, deeply. Her favoritas were “Carthage”, “Shell” and “Famine”. Such a delicate and ethereal creature. And so painfully critical, always demanding so much of me, pushing and pushing. I can’t say any more.
    Other than that I have an ancient affair with the word “perpetually”. And that you can do whatever you want with your art. It is a matter of choice ’cause you were chosen by it. From me, of thin skins and heavy heart.

  13. avatar
    ad oblivione | 17 July 2008 at 9:30 am #

    Steve, just in case there’s more malarkey and you switch off the anons, I just want to say how much I’ve loved the recent blogs. You are indeed a magus, sir. Now I bid you good day.

  14. avatar
    linjo | 17 July 2008 at 10:15 am #

    When you are single and err, fortyish, the great panacea is supposed to be a great relationship, thats what silly people like me think is going to make them happy. I know, I have read all the self help books about loving yourself before you get into another relationship and have ‘devoured’ the Art of Happiness. So when I read your bloggy Steve, I think to myself, but he has got his great love and loves his kids, why isnt he happy? Why is he still feeling self doubt and needing more recognition than he already is getting? I get into relationships with men that I find attractive and kind natured. As things progress and I find my ego offended (or imagine it is) I now have evolved into going from 1 (warm) to 10 (red hot temper) in about ten seconds. I hate this about myself but cannot seem to help it. Just a product from a very bad fucked up relationship based on obsession that I should have had the insight to finish much sooner, but perhaps it goes much deeper than that, we learn from our parents, even in the womb. Anyway, life is not easy, we have to keep on making a living to pay the bills and keep the chillens fed. Just a rant, sorry, love to read TTB every day. Linda X

  15. avatar
    restaurant mark | 17 July 2008 at 3:47 pm #

    a heavy one today…loved reading it and didn’t. so many things seem just out of reach…then others are miles away…

    take care
    mark

  16. avatar
    Polydora | 17 July 2008 at 6:37 pm #

    This one nearly had me in tears. Toward the end, my heart stopped breaking and smiled.

    With deep sympathy and sincerity, I send blessings to you, yours, your heart, soul, and hope we all know someday what is feels like to be understood and seen and known.

  17. avatar
    Anonymous | 17 July 2008 at 6:51 pm #

    Steve, it would have been perfectly normal to ask the young man, “Don’t you know who I am?”

    “you know you could get a part of a male witch in wicked”

    Naaah. I always assumed you were the benign-but-worldly university professor who turned out to be the Devil.

  18. avatar
    Anonymous | 17 July 2008 at 7:07 pm #

    As an outsider with severe depression Steve I can relate to a lot of what you say. My therapy is walking around the lake daily and sadly taking the pain meds I’ve been addicted to since I broke my arm. While I walk I listen to either Popol Vuh or Church albums..everything since HOB on including Beside Yourself and Jammed. Some of the more obscure stuff has an impact on me as it never did. You don’t realize it Steve but your music has made such a huge impact on so many people in this world. I can’t imagine creating the body of work you have and not being so thankful for that daily. If you were huge with the masses, on par with Roger Waters say, my guess is you would be ruined by the constant demands placed on you. But alas as humans, we always want more. In this life I have achieved things many would consider the apex yet I feel as I’ve robbed myself by taking the wrong path…it’s a tough world but you have strove for and achieved more than 99% of people in this world in more ways than one. Cheers to you Steve

  19. avatar
    eek | 17 July 2008 at 8:51 pm #

    This one made me really sad. I think we’ve all had those feelings of no matter what we do or how good it is, there’s always going to be someone to shoot it/us down and tell us it’s not good enough. Always hurts like hell.

  20. avatar
    davem | 17 July 2008 at 8:59 pm #

    You’re my hero.
    Your impact on my life remains huge. Your words and music light up my life like nothing else….outside the kids.
    I owe you.

    xx

  21. avatar
    Anonymous | 17 July 2008 at 9:47 pm #

    good morning.x

  22. avatar
    lily was here | 19 July 2008 at 10:10 am #

    a job as a renaissance man? thats funny. You is over-qualified anyway and you know how bad that makes management look. They’d probably spell your name wrong on your car space anyhow. Its pretty hard to shove an e in between ‘ell and why.

    xxx

  23. avatar
    lily was here | 19 July 2008 at 10:12 am #

    yeah yah i know.. its a joke 🙂


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