posted on February 20, 2008 at 11:38 pm

kilbey sits in 1982
dangles his fingers in the water in a pool
the ripples move away in silver circles
he watches these little swimming beetles
diver beetles he calls them
seem to be able to survive the chlorine
they flit about like tiny turtles
he admires their speed and grace
how i love swimming pools kilbey thinks
but he notices hes changed
i love swimming pools
and i love backstage when our class does a play
and sometimes i hide under tables and look at ladies feet
some girls and women ive noticed have lovely shaped feet
at 7 years old i am a connoiseur of female feet
a fetish hanging over from my past decadent lives
i seem to be in love with many girls at my school
i see them and im filled with strange feelings
i see the other boys dont seem to feel this way
they play with toy trucks in the dirt
but i follow that girl around
the one two years older than me
the one with the shapely feet
the one i saw at rehearsals playing an angel
in the nativity scene
oh to me she is a real angel
angel oh how i love that word
oh how i want a real angel to love me
to see the real me beneath this boysuit size 7
a lovely angel with wings like a swan
blonde like my angel at school
with nice feet even if theyre a little dusty
and beyond the tin fence which bounds our paddock
there is a wild world of sin crime and alcohol
johnny lennon n sir paul are prob’ly in hamburg
right about now
taking uppers and feeling up some chick called gertrude
johnny kennedy got not much longer
already people muttering in florida
in las vegas
in texas
camelot in smithereens
but here in dapto
im in love with too many young girls
some remind me of animals
sandra steele looks like an eagle
julie webb like a little mouse
some remind me of the daughters i will have 40 years on
by some common consensus
the girls have been ranked top 3 prettiness
wendy fuller # 1
shirley urban # 2
jill hurst, robyn brown equal # 3
the boys rank by fighting
brian jarratt # 1
garry simpson # 2
gary edwards # 3
garry simpson likes wendy fuller
but can a 2 have a 1 ?
i love shirley urban
but i dont rank at all
all the other boys fancy wendy fuller
but i like her handmaiden shirley urban
wendy walks through the playground
with her retinue of female followers
a real elegant dapto lady of 7 years in 1961
we learn some dance
in which eventually every boy n girl must dance together
at last i dance with shirley urban
and hold her warm soft damp hands
love up close is intoxicating
i wonder if she likes me….why would she?
her front teeth are missing…she looks so lovely
hair in plaits blonde like milk vanilla-y looking
the world seems so big
my father says stuff that makes people laugh
sometimes i dont understand why its so funny
he always tells me a little bedtime story
sometimes he works shirley urban into the story
i think its funny that dad knows her name
sometimes i see or hear things
that send me to a funny delicious place
it could be the sound of a mans voice explaining something
or a warm evening in a garden
or some ladys perfume
or a piece of music
two colours together
a story
a girls name
a girls face
anticipation of a holiday
oh anything
it starts to come on
that dreamy feeling
memories dreams feelings
ive only been alive 7 years
but it seems my life has gone on forever
i have impressions of other times places and events
the world is full of significance
everything means something to me
gradually this feeling will fade somewhat
my adulthood filters will narrow the band
on which i receive info about the world
i feel as if i am wrapped in a powerful ongoing mystery
i struggle in all kinds of ways
thrash about in chemicals
starving eating sleeping not sleeping
read him
read her
surely but slowly
i am no longer who i was

34 Responses to “demo version”

  1. avatar
    B Raine | 21 February 2008 at 3:15 am #

    must be weird so many people remembering every bit of you…like I remember something im sure you dont,,as You were to me not an odinary humAN…HOWEVER I couldnt bring myslef like the others to wait in line to shake your hand….even on here I see poeple…Oh steve are you Ok..what a day…Oh kiss and ass that,,,,,I respect you but I cant sit here and be like…….talking in a way that separates you from me….oh wow steve you looked at girls feet your so funny….not about the always directing compliments JUST because of your Name and fame…I am inspired to write I order your postcards, dvd….show everyone My painting and perhaps BRAg or mention you to everyone…But DO u know what I mean… after party NYC….Me on the couch…..You walked BY….That was when the songs were it…How you interact is much humor,,,,I once got the mic turned off at an open mike////it was a bar…people loud….I demanded their the end I got it,,,,
    When bob seiger appeared during Donnie Darko—That was GRReat…
    annyway,,,,,I used to look well at more than their feet…….and the girls seemed to know……But what a an amazing thing just a thigh could do 4 the imagination……
    rima whyte…..creama rima…wow we were bad ……she was a virgin till she got married…….I remember jealousy ….and mini golf
    joshua welcome held her hand….
    vell….Hopefully soon Ill have some tracks—-not marks….Just got my mac online Im beat took 5 hours….kinda blank….1st comment..yippie…..BTW Ya know how opra or howard stern give things away occasionally……
    Im lookin 4 someone to sponsor me
    On a trip….
    to see august bleed
    whos terminally ill,,,

    stern would say no
    than give away 1000 to a caller
    that dint ask
    guess thats not how it works
    need a miracle
    ….look at me —hey well
    why not…shot in the dark……
    PS have u seen HOLY MOUNTAin?
    he caught the H eye veee
    maybe i should write to oprah ..
    god im makin no sense

  2. avatar
    eek | 21 February 2008 at 3:35 am #

    That was incredibly sweet! (in a good way) I enjoyed it.

    i am no longer who i was

    Every day we live we move on from who we were. Sometimes that change is better, sometimes worse, most times just different. From what I’ve seen I would say overall you’ve done pretty well. 🙂

  3. avatar
    Anonymous | 21 February 2008 at 3:44 am #

    Geez you got a good memory for detail Steve. I cant remember much about infants except the warm bottles of milk (yuk) and peeing my pants. Have you checked out Friends Reunited to see what your little buddies are doing now?

  4. avatar
    Anonymous | 21 February 2008 at 4:10 am #

    ..nice segue. But what happened after you left the pool?

  5. avatar
    Anonymous | 21 February 2008 at 6:14 am #

    You are a great writer of fiction.
    It must be fiction as no one is so connected to the past unless they are on their way out.

  6. avatar
    Athanasius Pernath | 21 February 2008 at 7:53 am #

    > the world is full of significance
    > everything means something to me
    > gradually this feeling
    > will fade somewhat

    i remember that shift of feeling. people, landscapes, houses, places, forests…as a child, i sometimes felt a strange resonance being somewhere…as if the earth was hollow, and resonated with my little steps. things were the way they were, and i enjoyed the feeling of “it has to be this way”…when a place i dearly loved suddenly became a small town with no hidden secrets, i was frightened to death. it was i who had changed, of course. i felt as if i was going deaf/blind for the things i loved, that meant something. i’m spending the rest of my life trying to get that Big Hum of mysterious wonder back into the days….


  7. avatar
    Anonymous | 21 February 2008 at 8:17 am #

    i love it when you give me past

  8. avatar
    craig1.618 | 21 February 2008 at 9:14 am #

    i find it interesting straddling the line between being in the “know” and being in the “wonder”

    a perfect example:

    start with 1……then start doubling (left column)

    1 = 1
    2 = 2
    4 = 4
    8 = 8
    16 = 7
    32 = 5
    64 = 1
    128 = 2
    256 = 4
    512 = 8
    1,024 = 7
    2,048 = 5
    4,096 = 1
    8,192 = 2
    16,384 = 4
    32,768 = 8
    65,536 = 7
    131,072 = 5
    262,144 = 1
    524,288 = 2
    1,048,576 = 4
    2,097,152 = 8
    4,194,304 = 7
    8,388,608 = 5
    16,777,216 = 1
    33,554,432 = 2
    67,108,864 = 4
    134,217,728 = 8
    268,435,456 = 7
    536,870,912 = 5
    1,073,741,824 = 1
    2,147,483,648 = 2
    4,294,967,296 = 4
    8,589,934,592 = 8

    and on and on and on…………….

    the pattern 1-2-4-8-7-5 (right column) repeats infinitely

    and on top of that the pattern also repeats when you go backward

    you just halve instead of double

    personally i find this to be completely and utterly magical and it fills my mind with wonder

    hope ya see the relevancy in it 🙂

  9. avatar
    eek | 21 February 2008 at 10:18 am #

    craig1.618 — I bet my sibs would get it, but I’m completely clueless. I guess I’m filled with “know” by the left column (just double the previous number) and “wonder” by the right column (I wonder what in the hell it’s supposed to mean — I just don’t see the connection between those numbers).

    You might find that bit of wonder magical, but it just makes me confused.

    (I’m the math dud of the family)

  10. avatar
    marc | 21 February 2008 at 10:45 am #

    lets simplify it all…a warm night oin adelaide, drinking drinking and on the turntable, dont think twice by dylan…fuck me…just plain fuck me…how music can just reach inside you and turn everything inside out is a thing of wonder….

  11. avatar
    Anonymous | 21 February 2008 at 11:11 am #

    steve, that brought back memories of feelings i had as a kid. the innocence and hope and promise of life ahead.
    can’t wait for tomorrow.


  12. avatar
    melissa | 21 February 2008 at 11:11 am #

    Sometimes I am amazed at how well you can recall experiences and thoughts from childhood and younger years (coming from someone who has a memory like a sieve!) .. but I’m so glad that you can, and share, such evocative memories and stories. It makes for such wonderful reading – thank you 🙂

    Maybe a struggle of adulthood is wanting to hold onto that ‘dreamy feeling’, of childhood innocence and wonderment. Something that I can relate to anyway 🙂

  13. avatar
    Ethereal Butterfly | 21 February 2008 at 11:31 am #

    Makes me think of that saying; “Give me the child at 7 & I’ll show you the man”.


  14. avatar
    veleska1970 | 21 February 2008 at 11:46 am #

    what a sweet little love story. “her front teeth are missing…she looks so lovely”~~i had to chuckle at this one. the innocence of it all. 🙂

    “the world is full of significance
    everything means something to me
    gradually this feeling will fade somewhat”
    it doesn’t appear that way to me. you’re a very old soul, steve.

    lotza love….

  15. avatar
    heather | 21 February 2008 at 12:07 pm #

    yo I don’t get craig1.618 either, eek…except, is that the golden mean in your nic maybe?

    google “fibonnaci” for some mystical fun; and “sacred geometry”

    memory, loss, smells, moments…I love the way we always remember kids from childhood by their first and second names…


  16. avatar
    gregra&gar | 21 February 2008 at 12:08 pm #

    Those feelings don’t fade, Steve, they get crammed into pigeon holes for recollection while writing such as this. We never come down, we just explain it away.
    Wonderful post — you really went back there for this.

  17. avatar
    heather | 21 February 2008 at 12:09 pm #

    d’oh…I get it now…..


  18. avatar
    isolde | 21 February 2008 at 1:05 pm #

    I know that feeling I get it from the sound of particular voices, often the person speaks slowly, in fact if a person with one of those voices is coming towards me and is going to speak to me the anticipation of it brings it on, I can feel it and I go into a sort of haze of sensory ecstacy, and you say you get it from so many other things too, colours vibrating off each other, that must be amazing

  19. avatar
    Ansible Jon | 21 February 2008 at 1:07 pm #

    yeah, me too, i love today’s snippet o’ life.

    been a stay at home dad for two kids. always made me sad that kids and i had some magical, amazing days together that they will never be able to remember. just have to hope it makes them better people when they grow up.

    every time you teach a child how to do something you rob them of a chance to discover it for themselves. got to find the balance in there somewhere…

    “in my time, with this name,
    i’ve been so many different men.
    which one do you blame?”

    funny how we keep changing. reminds me of a scene in the film “dances with wolves”. white guy amongst the american indians is worried they will hold him accountable for his past crimes. native chief says “that man is no longer here. now there is just dances with wolves. surely they will see that.”
    if only, if only…

  20. avatar
    matthew | 21 February 2008 at 1:22 pm #

    Oh wow! (to quote Scarlet, from some time earlier [sometime anywhere?]) — sounds a lot like a childhood I once knew… very evocatively conveyed Steve, cool.

  21. avatar
    Larry | 21 February 2008 at 3:26 pm #

    All this stuff about memory makes me think you should do something with John Foxx …

  22. avatar
    fantasticandy | 21 February 2008 at 4:14 pm #

    what a moving piece of work….
    i think you still know what love is…
    wev’e all been distracted by the shiny things.
    but your’e all grown-up now nevits!
    you never really lost it did you?
    what a wonderful moment, recaptured to be enjoyed once more.
    thank you was very special.
    andy L.

  23. avatar
    CAPTAIN BEYOND | 21 February 2008 at 6:26 pm #

    plain and simple, I am no longer…

  24. avatar
    craig1.618 | 21 February 2008 at 7:24 pm #

    eekie eek and miss kitykat…….

    it’s the notion that there is a repeating pattern representing intelligent creation/creator that fascinates me

    i’ll try to explain it for you a little better

    i’ll just pick a few as the example:

    16=7 is 1+6=7
    32=5 is 3+2=5
    64=1 is 6+4 =10 is 1+0=1
    128=2 is 1+2=3 then 3+8=11 which 1+1=2

    and further down:

    131,072=5 is 1+3+1=5 then 5+0+7+2=14 and then 1+4=5

    i guess i should’ve explained it better earlier..sorry

    and once you find this continuing pattern….it’s completely amazing where you can go from there.

    DISCLAIMER- This discovery is not mine it is Marko Rodin’s Vortex Based Mathematics and the pattern is what he’s named……..

    “The Mathematical Fingerprint of God”

  25. avatar
    steve kilbey | 21 February 2008 at 9:07 pm #


  26. avatar
    davem | 21 February 2008 at 9:37 pm #

    Numbers Killer??
    Tell us that story?? “I knew this man……”

  27. avatar
    verdelay | 21 February 2008 at 10:30 pm #

    Give me the childe at 1-2-4-8-7-5 and I’ll show you a good time.

  28. avatar
    CSTCoach | 21 February 2008 at 11:00 pm #

    hmm… i seem to remember wendy fuller from a song… Welcome, from MATS?

    this brought back a lot of memories, killa. thanks. of the way you see the world as a kid. of all the girls in my school i had crushes on, when no one seemed to notice. of the smells of things, and the way that everything seems to be surrounded in meaning…

    “gradually this feeling will fade somewhat
    my adulthood filters will narrow the band
    on which i receive info about the world”

    i think that to produce great art, at least art of the nature of what you’re creating, to tap into that, you’ve gotta keep that feeling alive and not let “adulthood’ and society crush it.

  29. avatar
    Bionaut | 21 February 2008 at 11:01 pm #

    Wendy Fuller,
    We welcome you.

  30. avatar
    matt davison | 21 February 2008 at 11:19 pm #

    I loved Catherine Kendal..When I was 6

    And was really the only 9 year old that had a huge crush on the mum out of the Cosby show.

    and then…

    Kate Bush
    bird outta the bangles
    Samantha Fox(. .)
    my flute teacher..who did flurt with me all the time

    and Bens Mum

    Oh’ she still rocks


  31. avatar
    princey | 22 February 2008 at 12:11 am #

    That’s so cute, sk at 7yo! I bet all the girls had a crush on you too, and you didin’t even know it!

    Well, I’ll be seeing my “grown-up” crush this Sunday, how cool is that! (or how sad?..haha)
    love Amanda

  32. avatar
    craig1.618 | 22 February 2008 at 12:25 am #

    well when you take those NUMBERS and then derive a FREE ENERGY SYSTEM from them (which Mr. Rodin has among other monumental things)

    then look at the world and see why all these people are being killed and their lands invaded and taken away for filthy fucking oil

    well i really don’t know what to say then!

  33. avatar
    Anonymous | 22 February 2008 at 1:54 am #

    personally i like it vevy much craig1.618


  34. avatar
    lily was here | 24 February 2008 at 9:40 am #

    “gradually this feeling will fade somewhat”

    I dont get that impression. I wish i was able to keep all the details in my memory that you do, instead for me its just feelings and brief flashes of moments. I remember at 7 feeling very grown up, and then it all went downhill
    I had a crush on my dad’s best friend. His name was Les. And also a female teacher, Mrs Hughes!

    Good year 1961, they say 🙂


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