posted on July 27, 2007 at 7:00 am

today
i feel empty and alone
feel like crying for no reason
feel abandoned forgotten useless used up
please people
i know you fiendss like me n appreciate me
im not soliciting a flood
of comments here
or fishing for compliments
im just trying to hang in this mood here
explore its nature
its 7.00 in nz
i go on in 3 hours
ive sold bugger all tickets tonight
and christchurch
altho a lovely city
has that same feeling as oslo
or some bleak scottish city
you know
that remote windswept
youre miles from anywhere feeling
i used to get it in dover de too
i got it in kiruna in sweden
adelaide in australia in winter
sensytive guys like me get it easier
you see
i can get more outta a situation than most people
i can see some stones n some broken glass
on the side of the road
and it means something to me
the clouds
the grass in a graveyard
someones obituary i never heard of
a book in a second hand shop
a look someone gives me
a child
anything
im taking in everything all the time
whether i want to or not
thats why i can write n write n write…
childe
i could begin writing now
and never stop
even if i live to be a hundred n fifty three
im just packed up to the rafters with impressions
n thoughts n feelings
maybe everyone is….
its hard to tell
you never know whats affecting other people do you?
but sometimes
ah….
im not complaining fiendss
im not saying how tough it is to be me
are you kidding?
its been a cakewalk….
but sometimes….
its not depression
dont confuse it with that
depression i have been aquainted with
thanks to heroin n getting off of it
thats another thing altogether
depression is a terrible terrible thing
a void
a crushing grey awful weight
luckily i dont have that
if you do
i sympathise…
no
this is melancholia
this is a sensitive n overactive nervous system
a tendency i have always had
its good for creativity
since everything means something to me
i dont have to look far
to find inspiration
no
inspiration is not hard for me to find
since anything has some significance
the insects
a stain on a wall
the red of the traffic lights
a word heard on the wind
the shape of a cloud
like marcel proust
a complicated innerlife
inexplicable almost
i guess everyone has this
but some peoples jostles to the foreground
makes itself heard
the tiniest details
i drive thru a town
i see a sad looking house
or a tiny dead bird
a bit of string
i dunno
or even an old bit of newspaper
i get melancholy
i feel my mortality pushing down on me
saying you are so temporary
oh there goes another 5 seconds
till you go to that very alone place
that place where we stand empty handed
before god
or just before more emptiness
alone
with nothing
what do i need?
well this is where drugs n drink come in
because when that emptiness strikes
you reach for the whatever it is
that gets you thru the night
that lonely dark night of the soul
you think of all the sad bad things youve done
believe me nothing can protect you from nothing
look at elvis n marilyn
n all the current celebs
they got it….. everything
but when the nothing envelopes em
everything is no good
so you may think
come on time being
you must be happy knowing you made people happy
it hasnt seemed to work like that for me
i was walking round this strange remote town
with the melancholic blues
envying all those bastards
who are younger n richer n happier than me
and jesus
the list is unending
absolutely unending
yet envy i know is a sure fire misery maker
comparing yerself to others is a big trap
you know that
you do know that, dont you
everyone with their own cross to bear
you cant avoid pain
you can try
but its gonna catch up with ya sooner or later
its being human
the blues
the inadequacy
the regrets
the what-ifs
n if-onlys
anyway
today my own little box of sadnesses came open
and i feel eaten up n spat out
exile on mainstreet of some little city
in the southern hemisphere somewhere
on a blue blue planet
going round a tiny little sun
somewhere in an infinite universe
i want connection
i want contact
i want assurance n reassurance
i want mollycoddling n pampering
i wanna feel special n useful
i wanna do something that means something
i want love and more love
but this world…
this unfair world
with all its misery n injustices
the big animals eating the little animals
the ugly lonely bedsitter people
the washed up olde singers n actors
the waiters hustling their scripts no one will ever read
its crashes n its whirlpools
its illnesses
its dead end jobs
its unforgiving stare
this world is no place for the likes of me
i want that cushiony soft warm fuzzy world
that sunday night
i just had a bath
and mums making toasted sandwiches
and we’re watching disneyland on telly world
that protected safe world
which has slipped thru my fingers
like the time that gave birth to it
leaving me exposed
raw
confused
hi n dri
unable
thats it
thats my melancholia
same as yours but different
no better or worse
just that i know how to write about it easier
its a luxury
of a man with too much time on his hands
preoccupied with himself
and talking to himself
via his dirty off white ibook g4
maybe i’ll tune back in after tonites gig(gle)
maybe not
love
sk

41 Responses to “emptiness n aloneness blogge”

  1. avatar
    Leelinau | 27 July 2007 at 8:18 am #

    I spy

  2. avatar
    Leelinau | 27 July 2007 at 8:21 am #

    ooh, did you bring the camera? Would be nice to see some pix of …where are you again?

    ^_^

  3. avatar
    Celticat | 27 July 2007 at 8:22 am #

    sounds like you miss your fambley big time. I can relate – I feel the saem every time I travel.

    Guess you just got to go with it!

    I’ll be thinking about you tonight

    Love
    from A Bloke

  4. avatar
    Anonymous | 27 July 2007 at 8:38 am #

    I remember spaghetti on toast watching Disney on telly…sigh.

    Call your wife.

    B.Bon

  5. avatar
    cloudburst.adrift | 27 July 2007 at 8:39 am #

    Steve – I’ve been there. we’ve all been there. And yes, you articulate it much better than we do. That’s cause you’re a bard..

    I have faith in you. We all have faith in you. Honey, if you can defeat heroin you can defeat anything. The sadness is putting in a last ditch effort, that’s all. Its final challenge. The falling-off-a-cliff-scream that’s like fingernails on a blackboard. That pierces the eardrums. The last hurrah. The final curtain. It knows it’s being defeated…

    Instead of thinking what you’re sad about or what affects you, try the good things – what you love, what inspires. Happy thoughts. Your girls. Your fambly & your brothers. Your friends. Your fiends. We’re all out here supporting you & believing in you, sending our love across the miles.

    This ‘life’ malarkey isn’t supposed to be a cake-walk. 🙂 The challenges are what make us who we are. And you’ve got a pretty darn good result from your years.

    love you steve.
    janexxx

  6. avatar
    Anonymous | 27 July 2007 at 8:47 am #

    Mr.Kilbey,and H.Heart{ya asked what was happening,and well it fits RELEVANT}…..Ive spent the day making a 120 yr old recipe of xmas pudding…dont laugh .am not that religious in any orthodox way but feel the need for a connection to myself in a peaceful cocoon ..mortality and spirituality,are hand in hand….I’ll send ya some if ya want…always takes me to that warm and “home” place….love as always genx xxxxx

  7. avatar
    Alejandro | 27 July 2007 at 9:33 am #

    Hi Steve, hey don´t feel sad please. We all feel same the same sometimes, there are good days and bad days, we just wake up and one day, without expecting it, we feel sad or low. But it´s all in our minds, it´s a matter of reset, of seeing the thing with other perspective. You see, the other day I went to the bank to make a money transfer, then I pick my car and went to the beach to take a walk, I felt terribly alone and low, I didn´t know why, that feeling just came to me. But on my way back to my car I saw a black guy digging in a big garbage container, he had nothing to eat that day, he was extremely poor, and then I said to myself I didnt have the right to be sad, that I was a fortunate person. That happened to me one week ago, and still remember the guy these days, and now, when I´m writing these lines. The precious little things in life that we´re not able to see. You have a family, fans and people who loves you, think about that. Even so, if you still feel sad please use that energy in creating beautiful music.
    Love
    Alex

  8. avatar
    gabor | 27 July 2007 at 9:34 am #

    Steve, it’s hard to hold onto but it’s worth trying to remember:
    today is not forever.

  9. avatar
    malcolm arkey | 27 July 2007 at 9:41 am #

    Have you ever
    considered
    that you
    have been
    put on
    this planet
    as part
    of a plan ?…

    …that
    you have
    been made
    who you are
    so that
    you can
    do things
    that others can’t ?…

    …so
    that
    you
    can
    change
    things ?…

    …you often say
    ‘i just wish
    i could make
    it all better
    for you people’
    …but
    what
    if
    you
    already can ?…

    …what if there’s
    a more important task
    cut out for you
    than just
    seeking out
    the
    pleasure
    centre ?…

    …and
    did you know
    that there’s
    really
    no such place as
    nowhere ?…

    …everywhere is somewhere
    if you make it that way…
    if
    you
    make
    the
    people
    who live
    there feel special…

    …and
    did you
    know that
    the truest,
    most meaningful
    album title
    i ever heard
    in my life
    was


    …”forget yourself” ?

  10. avatar
    Anonymous | 27 July 2007 at 9:50 am #

    There’s no plan.
    It’s all coincidence and happenstance.
    Anything else is human subjectivity trying to impose order on chaos.
    There’s no meaning, there’s no reason.
    Pure chance.

  11. avatar
    public savant | 27 July 2007 at 9:52 am #

    Janet Frame eat your heart out.

  12. avatar
    Anonymous | 27 July 2007 at 9:52 am #

    You’re the master of keeping it real…don’t change

  13. avatar
    Anonymous | 27 July 2007 at 9:54 am #

    Janet Frame was from Dunedin

  14. avatar
    God I am a tired mattdavison | 27 July 2007 at 9:54 am #

    Wello was changed.. SK came to town

    Sk broke the sound barrier!! a few challenges from the naughty pixies of welly, but It really sounded great. Everyone left seriously happy…

    SK.. go easy buddy, hope ChCH was a good gig we all love you.

    M

  15. avatar
    public savant | 27 July 2007 at 10:31 am #

    Well anonymous lurking in the privet there, I don’t give a fuck where she was from, and as William Carlos Williams said:

    so much depends
    upon

    a red wheel
    barrow

    glazed with rain
    water

    beside the white
    chickens

  16. avatar
    rick maymi | 27 July 2007 at 10:39 am #

    I can’t do any maths to save my life, but I sure as shit can run faster than Stephen Hawking.

  17. avatar
    daniel12 | 27 July 2007 at 10:40 am #

    Someone once said “melancoly is the pleasure of feeling sad.”
    But having the time to dwell on one’s own melancolia is a luxury of the rich an underemployed.
    Yeah like a lot of people my creativity goes out the window when i have to do mundaine real work.
    Then again im often to busy to fully take in how depessingly pointless most this so called real work actually is.
    I tell you brothers and sisters the games rigged !.
    As see it a lot of entertainers are like the Judas sheep that leads the other sheep to the slaughterhouse.
    All those waiters (perhaps rightly) think . ‘Jeepers, I can act,write,sing,fart on big brother better than that rich no talent sod. I should give this caper a go’.Ten years later there your waiter with the film script. What the waiter didn’t realize is that Mr/Miss minor talent celeb was actually a Judas sheep. A Judas sheep given there status an riches in order to entice the would be creative free thinkers of this world into the the dead ends of the sevice industries.
    Yep, all these people who might otherwise be plotting revolutions, founding alternate societies or embarking on spirtual pigrameges are instead asking if you’d “like a drink with that”
    Often the people there in servitude of have never had an original thought in there lives.
    And thus the status quo is kept.
    Oh dear, it has been a long week.
    I sound thoughly derranged.I should write a script based around this theory ,ha ha.

  18. avatar
    Anonymous | 27 July 2007 at 10:46 am #

    I feel sad now sk, your moody blues rubs off ya dirty white ibook g4 you know, right through that screen. Hope you feel better soon sweet being.
    Love u always,
    Amanda

  19. avatar
    isolde | 27 July 2007 at 11:21 am #

    this comment contains
    twenty minutes
    of companionable silence

  20. avatar
    Anonymous | 27 July 2007 at 11:33 am #

    God bless you Isolde

    You always know the right thing to say.

    B.Bon

  21. avatar
    actium | 27 July 2007 at 12:04 pm #

    Steve, the next time anyone accuses you of being a “mope rocker”, you won’t be able to deny it, will ya ?!

  22. avatar
    restaurant mark | 27 July 2007 at 12:04 pm #

    i feel ya…

    take care

  23. avatar
    Anonymous | 27 July 2007 at 12:16 pm #

    Been there…done that. It’s no fun. You are a magnificent observer of life. Hope you tear it up tonight and put on a great show.

    Mark
    Tampa, Fl

  24. avatar
    John | 27 July 2007 at 12:19 pm #

    Lost Horizon by James Hilton.

    Kilbey, you are Conway.

    Hang in there.

    John

  25. avatar
    Queen Hatshepsut | 27 July 2007 at 1:00 pm #

    Steven,
    I could not have written it better myself. I have been in the grasp of both severe depression and melancholia and yes, they are indeed so different.

    You made me smile though, as I too remember Sunday evenings, having a bath, mom ironing our clothes for the week, dad watching ’60 Minutes’ while we (my brother and I) watched the Wonderful World of Disney. Pure innocence.

    Frankly, I don’t really trust or have much patience for people who’ve never been melancholy and who can’t understand what I’m talking about when I describe it. Anyway, thanks for posting this. Just remember, this too shall pass.
    love,
    denise xxoo

  26. avatar
    veleska1970 | 27 July 2007 at 1:28 pm #

    gee, steve~~i don’t know what to say that doesn’t sound corny. but i’ve been there many times myself and it’s not a pleasant place to be. the sadness is overwhelming.

    i know you’re already missing the creature comforts of hearth and home and fambly. but you will be back soon enough.

    as always, thanks for taking the time to share yourself with us.

    lotza love…..

  27. avatar
    veleska1970 | 27 July 2007 at 1:28 pm #

    to queen h: hey, denise!!!! good to see you again. i miss our postings right after the other. love ya.

  28. avatar
    Jen Jewel Brown | 27 July 2007 at 1:34 pm #

    Tomorrowland – Promise of things to come
    Adventureland –
    Frontierland –
    Fantasyland – the happiest kingdom of them all.

    Meeska, Mooska, Mouskateers.

    Anette Funicello. Walt Disney himself introducing the land of the night. How Donald Duck was drawn, and his amazing spluttering quacking. Donald behind the wheel of an automobile turning into John Driver. When you wish upon a star, makes no difference who you are. Everything your heart desires will come to you….

    Yes, Sunday nights were something special… Even when they morphed into Countdown nights. 6pm. Sunday nights. Tomato soup and dressing gowns and hot buttered toast. The unbelievable magic of television. When was The Twilight Zone? Alfred Hitchcock presents? the Ed Sullivan Show? Were they on Sunday nights as well? Thanks for the memories… hope the spirit of the great ground parrot looks over you and yours….

    xj

  29. avatar
    isolde | 27 July 2007 at 1:39 pm #

    look at this pic of christchurch
    http://www.christchurch.org.nz/

    no golden beaches or proper waves
    no wonder its meloncholi-ion-city

    i think there are better waves around auckland

  30. avatar
    John Garratt | 27 July 2007 at 1:46 pm #

    “depression is a terrible terrible thing
    a void
    a crushing grey awful weight
    luckily i dont have that
    if you do
    i sympathise…
    no
    this is melancholia”

    Funny you should mention that. I just read a book by William Styron where he was advocating the change of labels from ‘depression’ to ‘melancholia.’ Of course, he was a writer and of the more romantic persuasion.

    I’m able to agree with you more than him though. Melancholia sounds more romantic. People like you eventually turn the ugliness into beauty. Us depressed people, we look at ugliness and lose all motivation. Lack of motivation takes you to the void. Being in a void makes you wonder what kind of piece of shit leads himself to a void like this. And no amount of “hey, just pull through it man!” can help you.

    I’m probably typing a whole bunch of shit you people probably already know. Sorry for wasting internet space.

    John Garratt

  31. avatar
    CSTCoach | 27 July 2007 at 2:15 pm #

    Shit man, today’s blog was some of your best work yet. I’m impressed as hell. I relate so strongly to what you’re saying. It really hits close to home. That feeling of melancholy, so different than depression, a sort of sweet sadness at the tragic beauty of it all. I’ve felt that sort of thing all my life. I think that’s why i related to your music so strongly right away – you spoke to that, your words were poignant and you called it up and let me wallow in it (or perhaps “steep” is a better word), and those magical layers of music were like liquid emotion pouring in, creating that state. Nothing else calls it up like that, so powerfully and so effectively.

    i remember when i was a kid, i used to get so sad for things. A shirt someone bought me but that i had no use for and knew i would never wear. Things that I would throw away, even though they hadn’t done anything. Things that would never serve the purpose for which they were designed.

    I never turned to drugs or alcohol to soothe those senses (though i do like a drink or three, preferably as the fuel of great conversations, or with a book or music on the headphones). Rather, i think i always turned to your music and The Church, late at night, on headphones. Maybe because it was there and because you expressed it so well, there was no need for many out there to turn to drugs or booze…

    Really really moving blog today, druid. I’m printing this one right now, to reread often.

    Hope the show goes well. 🙂

    ryan

  32. avatar
    lily was here | 27 July 2007 at 2:47 pm #

    The acute awareness of being … thats always been you. hope you’re feelin’ the vibe of a whole lotta love.

    love
    me
    x

  33. avatar
    Brien Comerford | 27 July 2007 at 3:14 pm #

    I can put myself in SKs and the other Church members states of mind. They should be as Universally renowned as Pink Floyd. And they are not ! Very disconcerting !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  34. avatar
    Anonymous | 27 July 2007 at 3:44 pm #

    John Garrett,
    trouble is, ‘melancholia’ already has a centuries-old medical definition and it’s nothing to do with depression or melancholy.

  35. avatar
    NickF | 27 July 2007 at 5:03 pm #

    As I look upto you as a fan and man of alot of experience ….. I find it nearly comical that you write blogges mentioning forgetfullness, melancholia etc…. please try not to take this as a condescending comment or diagnosis. however…….

    the use of that lovely green herb that you speak of quite often. It will eventually get to ya! you say ( it’s natural ) or ( don’tr worry it’s herbal ) well…. let’s say this …… that stuff is grown and treated with a million new chemicals etc to make it more powerful etc. I too use this mighty herb ( and often ) however I find that it will cause forgetfullness, paranoia, melancholia etc and so on and so forth . might i recommend an occaisonal break from the mean green? your forgetful spells will go away!

  36. avatar
    steve kilbey | 27 July 2007 at 9:25 pm #

    fiction
    youre true
    sk

  37. avatar
    Anonymous | 28 July 2007 at 12:09 am #

    i’m sending you the biggest hug i can

  38. avatar
    eek | 28 July 2007 at 12:11 am #

    i want connection
    i want contact
    i want assurance n reassurance
    i want mollycoddling n pampering
    i wanna feel special n useful
    i wanna do something that means something
    i want love and more love

    Well this is the right place then because we do love you and think you are special and useful and what you do does mean something very special to us (special enough we pay for it and travel to see you and read this blog every day — sometimes several times a day) and we want you to be pampered and loved by even more. We are, as a group, mighty fine ego boosters.

    And if you still feel puny, Steve…well, just remember, it could be worse. You could be me.

  39. avatar
    Anonymous | 28 July 2007 at 11:52 am #

    Charlie’s a lonesome cougar

  40. avatar
    Demian Farnworth | 28 July 2007 at 11:29 pm #

    Ever read a Markson novel? Preferably The Last Novel, Vanishing Point or This Is Not a Novel? They are dazzling revelations about the trials and calamities and absurdities and oftern even tragedies of the creative life. I think they would resonate with you.

  41. avatar
    JJ | 30 July 2007 at 2:40 am #

    I recognize everything here, TB. I’ve always walked with that shadow. it has followed me everywhere, through every phase of my life, some worse than others, some far worse. It never really leaves, despite my efforts to convince otherwise or deny. This is the attraction, why I’ve followed your work – i recognize myself in it.

    You capture it well.


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