posted on November 16, 2007 at 7:02 am

2 mynah birds crashed onto the porch
tearing chunks of feathers
and screaming at each other
and clicking furiously
a third bird
hovered around on the perimeter of the fight
was one or both of its parents fighting
after a while i thought they might be mating
they fell off my balc
and landed in some sandy gravel below
still pecking and swearing at each other in mynah
one could have no doubt something wild was going on
the kids ran down and surrounded the birds
but they were too engrossed in fighting/mating/screaming to care
eventually we all went back inside
the birds still thrashing in the dirty sand
little holes appearing in their feathers all over
as they savage each other
was one bird raping the other one?
eventually they flew off
still screaming
do all worlds contain violence?
ive seen cats playing with mice
ive seen dogs chasing cats
ive seen ferrets get hold of a rabbit
a cat i had swallowed a bird whole alive
its wings were hanging out the cats mouth
like a giant movable groucho moustache
at first i couldnt see what was happening
i’d make the cat spit the bird out
then the bird was stumbling around punch drunk
inside my house
and the cat turns round
gives me a nasty nip
i let it go
it pounces on the bird again
and you got the groucho effect again
the bird stuck its wings out
to prevent the cat from swallowing it
imagine that
a writhing beaky clawy bird stuffed down your gullet
now i knew the cat wasnt hungry
i knew that cos he was my cat and he got fed well
the cat just hated birds
it sat in the garden
watching them
growling
extending its claws
oh i’ll show you little birdy
says the cat to itself
it hates the birdys little song
it hates how the bird can fly
how the bird mocks it
as it leaves the branch at the last moment
and goes up and away
but mr cat is sometimes very quick
he could flick out a dogs eye
or snatch a cute little birdy out of the air
and this birdy had waited too long
just that tiny tiny instant he tarried
and the cat
graceful cruel and deadly
the cat who rarely misses
the cat with nine lives
seeing in the dark
feline and quick
the cat full of prejudice and hatred
full of malice and envy
and the sheer desire for bloodshed
he hooks the bird in mid-air
and brings it to the ground
the bird is squawking and going crazy
of course, wouldnt you?
an alien life form
a colder more efficient killing machine
unheard of in suburbia
cats with their yogic powers of balance strength patience
cat never second guesses
mr cat right in the moment with the birdy
the birdy is looking death in the face
death incarnate
the cat is confused
does this flapping bony thing look like food to him
no meat
held together with crawling lice
the cat is now ashamed and tired of the creature
he gulps it down
to make it disappear
so that it will never sing its little song again
or fly away into the blue sky
the cat hates it
it hates the bird
it tries to swallow it
but the human
the stupid human he will not understand
this bird has been on my list awhile now
i will not be cheated of this prize
the human grabs the cat
and slaps its back leg
spit it out he yells over and over
and to think
thought the cat as it choked back the feathers
that i brought the bird in to show him
just like the rats and the mice
and believe it or not
for about the fifth time
the cats spits out this seriously crumpled bird
why hasnt it actually bitten it
just tried to swallow it?
and the bird
sensing its last ever chance
at pecking up a maggot or laying an egg
or flying north for the winter
or whatever it was that it enjoyed
maybe it had a nice nest….
anyway it ducked out the back door
while casper the cat gave the human a nasty little scratching
and hissing
you idiot
you ruined everything
and miraculously
birdy flew away

34 Responses to “faintest idea”

  1. avatar
    Anonymous | 16 November 2007 at 8:55 am #

    Wow! You had a cat named Casper. My dog’s name is Casper. I don’t need to ask what colour your cat was, do I? Did you cry when he died?

    MungoPushul x

  2. avatar
    Anonymous | 16 November 2007 at 9:12 am #

    Do you have any photos of your cat?

    MP

  3. avatar
    Anonymous | 16 November 2007 at 9:14 am #

    Has your cat come back as a bird?

    MPx

  4. avatar
    Anonymous | 16 November 2007 at 9:38 am #

    SK,your visuals are brilliant and vivid,as always!my “wazza”{it was either going to be that name,or gavin,or kevin hee hee!{i remember what my cat looks like from my little bit o vision i had til last year..so,},is an enormous ginger mouse stuck inside a undersized tiger/cheshire cat suit..he’s a lovely muted yet bright ginger stripey tabby.he has a perfectly candy striped tail{almost as though someone painted it on him}.he is windowsill adornment.he is a couch hog,and the gentlest and softest,one foot tall, killing machine with its standby button firmly pressed..he will sit on the couch at night time whilst the local possums finish off his biscuits,and i’m sure he waves them on in,pulls the dining chairs out for them…..,then gives em an air-kiss and a return ticket on their way out…i am sure that if there are aliens observing us,they KNOW which species rules this world…..kids seem to take alot in,when they observe animals..animals can teach us so much,about ourselves,and each other…have a lovely night…and thanks! coz now i m singin’ the stray cat strut! love to you,as always,gen xxxxxx

  5. avatar
    MeLbY sYmOn | 16 November 2007 at 9:57 am #

    Steve my old mucker,

    maybe todays blog shooda been titled “feathers little helper”.

    That is some of my best work you know!

  6. avatar
    Anonymous | 16 November 2007 at 10:09 am #

    very good reed – thank you

  7. avatar
    Anonymous | 16 November 2007 at 10:10 am #

    You’re such a sweetheart sk. That’s why we birds love you! Yes, you’re a chick magnet! boom boom
    Love Amanda

  8. avatar
    Celticat | 16 November 2007 at 10:29 am #

    Thanks Steve

    Celticat

  9. avatar
    woodsprite | 16 November 2007 at 10:33 am #

    Great stories today. Watching animal behavior is always fascinating.

    Had to laugh at you wrestling with the cat and taking your lumps to save birdie. Crazy but admirable. 🙂

  10. avatar
    Ethereal Butterfly | 16 November 2007 at 11:23 am #

    My son (14yr old) is currently studying Lord of the Flies, a serious-fantasy novel by William Golding, which is a most disturbing study. A group of young boys are marooned on an island and begin by conducting themselves as though Adults, with a chosen leader, and employ the convention of using a conch to conduct discussions and approve of laws & make decisions. Their social structure deteriorates when there appears to be no hope of a rescue. Their fabricated societal order has two groups; Ralph’s (the chosen leader, representing the force of civilized law & order) leading them towards a well planned rescue & ‘the hunters’ representing the deepest & most sudden urges of the individual. ‘Increasingly, the hunters live for the moment, and that moment is mainly the satisfaction of the stomach. Golding’s purpose in his own words is “to trace the defects of society back to the defects of human nature”. He clearly aims to highlight these defects and to show how they eventually destroy society. It shows the tragic results of human beings’ descent into savagery.’ (My son’s teacher’s notes). But what separates (many of) us from the animals and prevents (many of) us from acting out our primal urges? (intelligence?) We are occasionally reminded by nature and by unfortunate human conduct of the fact that we are indeed forces of nature, at times walking a thin line in lesser and greater degrees, than the Killa-cat story.

  11. avatar
    Anonymous | 16 November 2007 at 11:27 am #

    What a Hollywood ending, Steve!

    And you say you’re not that nice of a person!? Of course I don’t know you in person, but your love of animals and nature and what not makes that very hard to believe, you know…

    Thomas Thomsen, Denmark.

  12. avatar
    eek | 16 November 2007 at 12:05 pm #

    What a lucky bird! I’ve tried a few of those rescues myself but not often with such happy results. One of my successful interventions was when I knocked a cat out of a tree when he was just mere feet from a bird’s nest. Mama bird was dive-bombing him (and screeching like a banshee), which slowed him down, so that helped a lot. The cat was pissed at me, but mama bird was relieved. The cat had to stay in the house for three weeks while the babies grew up and flew away.

    I do have to admit I had to laugh at the image of you and the cat battling it out. I could just see/hear the cat thinking just what you wrote and being so disgusted with you.

  13. avatar
    fantasticandy | 16 November 2007 at 12:51 pm #

    excellent steve!
    been there, done that.
    his name is ‘grimalkin’
    he’s the cutest killing machine i know!
    andy L.

  14. avatar
    Anonymous | 16 November 2007 at 1:28 pm #

    i could picture that all so clearly… thank u for the laughs 🙂

  15. avatar
    It's a cow reference, dummy... | 16 November 2007 at 2:34 pm #

    Do you think black and white cats should be called Friesians…?

  16. avatar
    Brien Comerford | 16 November 2007 at 3:12 pm #

    Sk was divine intervention incarnate for that hapless, traumatized bird. Cats are very cool, sociable and entertaining. Mine is not allowed outdoors. The Humane Society of the United States implores pet guardians/owners not to allow their felines to venture outdoors. They are intrinsic bird, rabbit, rodent killers. We can’t get mad at them because it’s their gig. Sk’s nature blogs are exemplary. He could earn millions writing nature and animal friendly books for children. He’s the same writer that drafts existential and esoteric blogs that are so complex only minds of the highest order can grasp them.

  17. avatar
    Anonymous | 16 November 2007 at 3:27 pm #

    I don’t care what humane societies say, it’s cruel to keep pets (esp. cats) trapped inside a house. Better a short and happy life than a long and boring one. And mine finds plenty of mice to kill inside, I’m afraid.

    -Canuck

  18. avatar
    davem | 16 November 2007 at 5:33 pm #

    Brill tail tale.
    I adore my cat. Love him to bits but he does catch the odd bird, despite my protestations.
    He caught a tiny baby bird last year but Missus M rescued him before he was gulped down. Birdy spent the night in a shoe box next to me in my bed, fed milk from a teat pipette by Missus M. He (bird that is) survived the night and made it to a bird sanctuary.
    I’m now looking forward to a lazy Friday night with lots of Churchy sounds and some Mighty Boosh….
    Love to you SK, your family and all fiends throughout the world.

  19. avatar
    JJ | 16 November 2007 at 6:56 pm #

    When I was a boy, a neighbor’s cat had a poor furry animal in it’s mouth, which was a baby rabbit – so I hit the cat hard with a stick to make it reluctantly drop it’s victim. The little rabbit’s chest heaved with labored breaths, but it’s abdomen had been ripped open, intestines glistening and wet and partially spilling out, it’s eyes so frozen with pain and fear. I took it home in a shoebox but it died on the way.

    I never forgot this image.

  20. avatar
    Anonymous | 16 November 2007 at 7:24 pm #

    I just realized, my house now has a nearly complete food chain…a rat, cats, and a dog (and 4 humans but we don’t really count).

    When I was a child one of my cats was out hunting for most of the day. My family and I were sitting on our back patio when out of the woods came Ginger, running up the lawn with her “catch” in mouth.

    She approached and laid it at our feet proud of her “hunting” prowess. She sat there for the better part of an hour beaming with pride over her “bird”.

    The problem was, her “catch” was a fully cooked, barbequed chicken leg. I wonder if she knew why we were laughing.

    John

  21. avatar
    Cee | 16 November 2007 at 8:45 pm #

    and the cat
    graceful cruel and deadly
    the cat who rarely misses
    the cat with nine lives

    y el gato
    elegante, cruel y mortal
    el gato que casi nunca falla
    el gato con nueve vidas

    I miss my Smokey cat!
    Cee
    xox

  22. avatar
    Thelonious | 16 November 2007 at 10:22 pm #

    SK, good stuff.

  23. avatar
    nickfiction | 16 November 2007 at 10:48 pm #

    my damn cat eats everything as well, personally i am always hoping the birds get away. I have several lovely cardinals , who come out to feed in the evening only, and my cat is always waiting …. I enjoy watching these lovely cardinals and the rare sighting of one of the females who hardly are ever seen. One time my cat was fast enough to catch one and I had to smack his snout and hold the dead cardinal in his face and say…. no!! like he knew haha

  24. avatar
    JONNY NOT YET SO HOLLYWOODISH | 17 November 2007 at 12:09 am #

    BIRDS RULE!!!
    HORUS

  25. avatar
    Anonymous | 17 November 2007 at 12:17 am #

    the cat wasn’t cruel. it didn’t hate the bird or it’s song. it wasn’t jealous of the bird’s freedom of flight. get over it vegetable.

  26. avatar
    Anonymous | 17 November 2007 at 12:41 am #

    sk? “milky way” was just on JTV !

  27. avatar
    steve kilbey | 17 November 2007 at 12:56 am #

    dear jealous little prick at 11.17
    my my
    youre a sad wretch
    you make a negative comment every day, dont you
    you just hate it that people enjoy the stuff i write
    ah….there there
    and
    for your information
    that device is called personification
    um
    i just made that up about what the cat was feeling
    i projected human feelings on it because…
    well
    im sure the other people understand
    it was obvious
    now why dont you do us all a favour
    AND FUCK OFF YOU PHILISTINE

  28. avatar
    Brien Comerford | 17 November 2007 at 2:22 am #

    One of the most endearing virtues of the durable Church and SK is that they have been so consistent with utmost musical quality commencing with Heyday and Unearthed. I mention this as I peruse by vast Julian Cope CD collection. The veggie Druid is really cool but now I only listen to Peggy Suicide, 20 Mothers and Interpreter. Cope’s ambient CDs are less than stellar. He’s done wretched hard rock/metal under the name Brain Donor and has released other disconcerting recordings His most recent recording “You Have a Problem With Me” is somewhat of a return to good form. It’s tenable that his lack of commercial success might have compelled him to explore other musical genre’s. Any way ” Interpreter” is the Julian Cope CD that I think many CHurch fans would appreciate.

    Time for relevance. I was soooo glad to see the following quote by Queen’s guitarist “Brian May”. “If I saw someone abusing or harming a cat, I think I would kill them.” When I saw Queen live (twice)late 70’s Brian May stole the show. Mercury was fine but not like he sounded in the studio recordings.

  29. avatar
    ...being here, doing this... | 17 November 2007 at 3:34 am #

    “2 philistines crashed onto the artwork
    tearing chunks of creativity
    and screaming at each other
    and clicking furiously
    a third philistine
    hovered around on the perimeter of the fight
    was one or both of its parents fighting
    after a while i thought they might be mating
    they fell off my blog
    and landed in some sandy gravel below
    still pecking and swearing at each other in philistiniah
    one could have no doubt something wild was going on
    the kids ran down and surrounded the philistines
    but they were too engrossed in fighting/mating/screaming to care
    eventually we all went back inside
    the philies still thrashing in the dirty sand
    little holes appearing in their arguments all over
    as they savage each other
    was one philie raping the other one?
    eventually they fled off
    still screaming

    do all worlds contain violence?”

    thankfully not this much!

  30. avatar
    Centuryhouse | 17 November 2007 at 5:19 am #

    My family used to have cats, the whole time I was growing up.

    I’ve experienced the sadly comical situation you mention, and really enjoyed your personification of the bird/cat/human struggle. 11:17 not withstanding.

  31. avatar
    Anonymous | 17 November 2007 at 7:12 am #

    i appreciate your “personification” SK! its true words from that “collective consciousness”… every feeling being has a thought process based on needs

  32. avatar
    Anonymous | 18 November 2007 at 8:55 am #

    Casper of the Casbah!

  33. avatar
    Zorro 10-15 | 22 November 2007 at 8:24 pm #

    Woke up drunk from last nights festiviites, Decided to throw on Sealine, One of my alltime favorite canciones, THE EVENING THE TREES LASHED AT THE WINDOWS,THE ROOTS COME UP STRANGLE THE CANDLES, pure fukin’ geniuss, Keep it up Kilbo, Happy T-Day everyone!!!

  34. avatar
    Zorro 10-15 | 22 November 2007 at 8:26 pm #

    P.S. Hennry Rollins is a Pussy.


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