posted on March 13, 2006 at 3:36 am

you cant go thru
but we have this
im sorry that doesnt get you thru
but what about this
no thatll get you thru up there but not here
but it got us thru back there..
thats back there, this is here
who is your supervisor
im talking to him now
what does he say
he says he doesnt know
what can we do then
you can wait over there
but we need to get in
thats not my problem….

oh well
the land of red tape
rools n reguulations
hello im george the public servant
im getting paid more than you
to stride around talking into this headset
peppering the conversation
with things like:
copy that
roger blue foxtrot
we got 11 longhaired friends of jesus
in a chatreuse micro-bus

we meet at least a thousand of these dudes
they got shiny bums everywhere
(thats what we call public servants)
hey the big top head honcho is here
he approaches us
we shake hands
hes a nice guy actually
he got us in for this gig after all
but a shiny bum next to us
says into his headset to whoever
i got harry the head honcho here at the stage
harry gets angry
who you telling that?
cant i go anywhere and just talk without all that?
the shiny shrinks away obediently, suitably chastened
a ha ha ha
you gotta love it
they got thousands of guys
runnin’ everywhere
all kinds of giant props
the crews
the techs
the volunteers
we run thru our number
ok im impressed
everyone lookin’ around
slappin’ each other on the back
tp sufferin nasty lacerations to his nose
seriously cut bruised n twisted
what happened tp i say
you takes my arm and smirks
you should see the other guy…
now i have NEVER seen a more patient
peacelovin’ man than tp
he will go to xxtra ordinary lengths
to be calm
even as chaos erupts around him
one morning we were in the middle of nowhere
in mid america
one of the states that begins with i?
we had just stayed the nite in an awful establishment
everyone was tired angry and emotional
we are travellin in 2 cars
tp mwp and roadies
and me and pk and tour mannyger
tp comes over to our car
he says wanna get breakfast here
we say no
weve eaten
drive on

he goes over to other car
they so no
we hungry

tp comes back over to us
we say definitely no
lets go
no eating now

tim silently walks away into middle of car park
both cars watching him
he screams at the heavens
then silently walks off

i wish i had his patience
i wonder if he’s nailed some ratbag?
attacked by a possum?
injured by a rogue cymbal?
i guess he’ll say when he’s ready
boy, that make ups gotta hurt
when it goes on that cut tho…

last night
this city was going wild
there were giant fish in the river
lit up with coloured lights
kids running thru fountains
warm wind
black hot night
about 34 i’d say
people everywhere
olde bags done up to the nines
reclaimed dockland area
now nouveau sparkly upgraded
japanese and italian restauranty
people eating at outdoor places
cruises going up n down the river
lights red and blue and black river
it could be anywhere
a little sad
i amma lone in this big crowd
i walk for hours
exhilarated by the night and the people
it was lovely fiendsss

oh yeah i dipped my hand in the pool
its heated up like bathwater
nice temp for the germs to do their laps
whats the point
water should be cold
especially when its boiling hot out side
what a lame brain idea
do yer laps in there
and afterwards yer gonna feel reel strange
a word to the wise guy
choose cold
avoid this tepid muck
chemical luke warm piddle pool
but gee
it sure looks nice

hey guess what fiendss
i gotta go back to mah gig
we gotta run over some stuff
i wanna be denied entry
by some uniformed gooseball
and then see him shrivel
when the controller blasts him
for keeping the headline talent
outta his own adressing room
oh well
cant be two careful
now listen
all this is jus’ fer you guys on here
dont blabbe about this to ANYONE
just read it
forget it
don’ get me inna trubble now
discretion is needed
dont make me send round tp to yer house!
on her majesties secretive service

34 Responses to “full metal dress rehearsal”

  1. avatar
    fergal | 13 March 2006 at 4:29 am #

    a crunch song will be far better than ‘god save the queen’ [be the latter the original or sex pistols version]

  2. avatar
    verdelay | 13 March 2006 at 4:37 am #

    Cohen for the day: what is the sound of one ham lapping?

  3. avatar
    Anonymous | 13 March 2006 at 5:19 am #

    buenas suerte
    stevie baybee
    wish we could
    see the show
    or at least
    catch it on tv
    cheers to you
    mwp pk and tp!!
    diane and john

  4. avatar
    Martin | 13 March 2006 at 5:26 am #

    Hi Steve,

    I did a bad thing a really bad, bad thing.

    You’ve guessed it.
    No matter how much you said not to I just couldn’t stop. It was weakness. It was fate

    But how long can you survive? How often can you say “Well, you remember that song from the 80’s called Under the Milky Way…?” How often can you say “The Church” and then recive “Songs of Jesus” for your birthday? How often can you stop yourself from saying Look just don’t ask because you won’t know and you won’t care and I don’t care that you don’t know and don’t care. You’re just a bit more elbow room for me at Manchester Lane

    Anyway, I might have let it slip. A bit. I might have said that Australian (sort of) legends (definitely!) of rock (sort of) are appearing at the opening ceremony of one of the world’s great sporting events (not really) and their performance will show ignorant bastards what a wasted life they’ve lived.

    Well. Now my life is a Blues Brothers film. The police nearly caught me when I tried to escape to Tasmania the other night. Some hippie in a helicopter from Karmic Hit keeps circling my house. My country retreat has been burnt to the ground & the bushfires are still raging.

    When Steve says don’t say anything he means it! Its like if Steve tried stealing a mini Snickers Bar from the hotel – there’s no way they won’t notice, they track you down. Its what they live for. And don’t even think about a towel.

    Gotta go. My front window’s just been broken. A brick with a note wrapped around it with one word: “Duck”. Cute Steve. What happened to the whole non-violent, paisley shirt thing? Anyway. I’m getting dressed up as a duck and going to Moomba. Someone has to.

  5. avatar
    CAPTAIN BEYOND | 13 March 2006 at 5:34 am #

    the closer you get the further i fall…i wish you and the choich the very best in your upcoming performance for the 1.5 billion souls on this planet. remember our angel brothers as well as you take the stage. i wish i could be there to see you all shining so brightly
    for me. PEACE OUT…

  6. avatar
    Barnaby-Tresington-Howl-Foxworth | 13 March 2006 at 6:13 am #

    Dear Mr Kilbey

    Terribly sorry old chap, about all the red tape and the warm swimming pool, but if it wasn’t for things like that I’d be out of a job.

    Yours sincerely


  7. avatar
    dig! | 13 March 2006 at 6:23 am #

    Hey SK
    Just a thought, but really did Christ, Hitler or Duran Duarn ever have an audience of 1.5b people in one sitting? Actually maybe Duran Duran did (probably played at band-aid) but this is bigger than WoodStock!
    Really looking forward to it, see you on the otherside(of my TV that is)
    Have a good show!

  8. avatar
    me | 13 March 2006 at 7:15 am #

    a new generation to see you guys
    an old generation who missed out first time to see you roll
    that’s the best thing about your opening
    all the world’s gonna get to feel that sublime energy
    are you going to do a protest
    of sorts
    something to
    this inequitable
    world of ours?
    Love your work and
    Love your soul


  9. avatar
    RA | 13 March 2006 at 8:15 am #

    It’s just hit me.. The Church will be on national TV in the UK on Wednesday morning. Gonna arrange to be home so I can press record on the machine I bought last year but can’t work.. don’t even want to think about how to set the timer.. but I wonder…. will BBC bastids show the live music bits or will they cut away and let a retired runner/jumper/ball basher rabbit on about jumping over things..

    You know, I’ve never really got sport. What’s the point? Why would anyone want to PROVE that they are faster than someone else or whatever? I suppose I just don’t have a competeitive bone in my body. Hey!! I’m fast.. you’re not! Loser!!! Pah…

    Anyhoo, enjoy the show… shine.. show them that art is a better form of entertainment than just proving that you’re fast….



  10. avatar
    captainmission | 13 March 2006 at 9:13 am #

    what a picture you paint
    i have no idea what day it all kicks off, i hope i am near a tv to catch it, i guess the people who like running and swimming will now see on tv what some of us have known for 25 years, the church are the only band that matters, ironic its at some weird sporting event but embrace the paradox. Love to all ya.

  11. avatar
    Tantalizer | 13 March 2006 at 11:35 am #

    wot time does this thing kick off, Kilbey…..I ain’t sittin up all fuckin night!

  12. avatar
    Anonymous | 13 March 2006 at 11:37 am #

    Hoping to see you give “Advance Australia Fair” the royal rock treatment it deserves akin to Hendrix playing SSB….I can see it now…wild childs!!!once yer on the stage they’ll never get you off
    Lotsa love to you and all
    from me

  13. avatar
    George LazingBee | 13 March 2006 at 11:55 am #

    I won’t tell anyone if you don’t

  14. avatar
    Tony Pucci | 13 March 2006 at 12:19 pm #

    Good luck with it all, Steve.

    Wow, a “Convoy” lyric reference, you have a mind like a steel trap! I am in awe!!!

    …so we crashed the gate doin’ 98
    I said “let them truckers roll”

  15. avatar
    sue cee | 13 March 2006 at 1:01 pm #

    Didnt you let Tim eat again?!

    Go with the flow sk – it will all be magnificent and you will shine brighter than the stars under the milky way

    This special thing is kinda weird and surreal… but its giving me goosebumps just thinking about it, feelin’ excited, emotional…proud.

    Be nice to the old lady in the hat – or it’ll be “off with your head” 🙂

    Martin – how do you get a duck to sing?
    Put it in the oven till its Bill Withers.

  16. avatar
    Malcolm Turnbullshit | 13 March 2006 at 1:11 pm #

    I went to a lot of trouble to get get you this gig, only because I like your mother.
    I don’t want any of that left wing vegie boho landrights for gay whales malarky.
    Apart from that enjoy your self, you have the opportunity to address more people than I ever have, that is well until I’m PM, anyway.
    Play your cards right and one day too, you could afford an Italian suit like mine, woven from the finest and most endangered animals on the planet.


  17. avatar
    sue cee | 13 March 2006 at 1:38 pm #

    Under the Milky Way for national anthem, right Malcolm?

  18. avatar
    Rehan | 13 March 2006 at 1:41 pm #

    Good luck and a great gig to Yourself, Marty, Peter and Tim. I will do my utmost to catch the performance on satellite TV if it’s broadcast in this region.

  19. avatar
    George the pubic savant | 13 March 2006 at 1:54 pm #

    Golf Oscar Oscar Delta, Lima Uniform Charlie Kilo.

  20. avatar
    george of the jungle | 13 March 2006 at 2:01 pm #

    You’ve gotta keep those drummers fed you know.. they need their calories

  21. avatar
    By George | 13 March 2006 at 2:10 pm #

    By George..absolutely spiffing old bean.. top hole what.. bloody marvelous.. Jolly good show

  22. avatar
    Anonymous | 13 March 2006 at 2:10 pm #

    Who’s got a kilo of charlie, Oscar playing golf by the delta, wearing a uniform with a larma(lima?)huh?

  23. avatar
    george the pubic savant | 13 March 2006 at 2:18 pm #

    ’twas on the radio.. Save Our Souls, etc

  24. avatar
    Anonymous | 13 March 2006 at 2:59 pm #

    kilbey you tv star.


    funny story too

    keep that short drummer away from me….


  25. avatar
    CSTCoach | 13 March 2006 at 3:58 pm #

    Good luck, guys!! Finally a chance to subvert the masses, to cut loose a raging guitar meme, soft whispered lyrics that’ll percolate through their beans, reaming out all the bad bits, maybe the start of a cultural change, a tipping point of the boho kind. Nah. They won’t get it. But fuck em, it ain’t for them anyway.

    The CBC is carrying the opening show, but listed as 1 hour. It better fucking not be endless parades of waving grinning people in maple leaf jackets (focusing only on leaf-wearing athletes of course, in our usual insecure “do we really exist” navel gazing). I WANT THE CRUNCH! Don’t make me raise my voice.

  26. avatar
    Thomas Irvin | 13 March 2006 at 5:14 pm #

    I’d like to echo Mr. Pucci’s admiration for your “Convoy” reference. The guy who wrote that is from my home state (Nebraska) but he used the profits to create the Mannheim Steamroller Juggernaut of bad synthesizer Christmas songs.

  27. avatar
    Anonymous | 13 March 2006 at 9:01 pm #

    Pretend I’m 4 years old:
    Please share the tv news and will us yanks be able to view??
    From a state that doesn’t start with an “i”, shudder!

  28. avatar
    Anonymous | 13 March 2006 at 10:26 pm #

    Even Wynona had a big brown bear in the air…

    hang on – that wasn’t a bear.


  29. avatar
    captainmission | 13 March 2006 at 10:30 pm #

    Sue C
    ‘Bill Withers’
    I laughed till it hurt.

  30. avatar
    Jeezus Hari Christmas | 13 March 2006 at 10:36 pm #

    Gawd bless ya St Even.

    Udder the lactose tolerent way.

    Jeezus Hari Christmas

  31. avatar
    CeciliaGin | 13 March 2006 at 11:09 pm #



  32. avatar
    Azza | 14 March 2006 at 3:30 am #

    Thats a pretty big gig you’ve got coming up. There I was thinking it was all a complete waist of time. It looks like I’m going to be proven wrong!
    Hit ’em hard and fast boys!

  33. avatar
    Emmanuel Laurent | 14 March 2006 at 3:40 am #

    Hi Steve,

    So good to be alone, sometimes…
    So good to read U, master of renaissance
    Truly Yours my Man
    French Chivalric Dude
    Bow to Colour of Lorraine
    Clannad playing

  34. avatar
    RA | 14 March 2006 at 8:52 pm #

    Wynona… wasn’t it a porcupine?

    Convoy to primus in one day.. I like it..


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