posted on January 14, 2011 at 6:03 pm

the summer falls down drunken on the longest of the days

hot and overcast

the air weighs a million tons and its all on my shoulders

the traffic is snarled

the jets overhead roar terribly

the pool twitches in the quickening air

ants and mosquitoes attack

the tiny white scars on my back glow translucent

at 3 am i sat on my balcony unclothed hidden in darkness

there was no sound but the pink glow of half a moon

a cockroach scuttles across the kitchen floor

i look listlessly at the screen in front of me

how did i ever live without it?

see whos waking up

see whos breaking up

see whos making up

i drink rice milk n eat some toast

think about yesterday

learning songs

driving around

doing a photoshoot

doing interviews

it all seems so distant now

it all just seems so impermanent

my head is full of female voices talking to me

some are coming on to me

some are imploring me

some are condemning me

some are neutral as if they were just sad

children chime in

daughters out there i turn to their thoughts

do this

dont do that

i am angry with everyone

everyones angry with me

nice breeze ruffles my freckly back

the darkness is so small and empty

so hungry that it feels sick

the fridge is making a struggling sound

clock tick but never tock

i pace around

i plot up schemes for  hours on end but they evaporate pitifully

i sit in the sun room watching the green leaves against the black sky

i make up lists of men and women

i suddenly remember details i forgot to follow up

i look at all my paints lying in the next room

all that potential unrealised

something about the night has gone wrong

aftershocks of pleasure have faded into past

we hoped we thought it never would end

my friend is becalmed

sleep has been merciful and flown down from its lovely warm place

not for me tho not that i care

i walk around the kitchen searching for something to prolong the night

morning is coming and it will find me wanting

lay down on a bed

my ears ring ring in the silence but i dont listen anymore

behind my closed eyelids vivid colours flash

i think of every thing ive done

and all thats still left to do

it never ends

then one day

it just does

54 Responses to “i see the girls go by dressed in their summer clothes”

  1. avatar
    Philosoraptor | 14 January 2011 at 6:36 pm #

    I think it was you that taught me that you can’t please everyone. Need you remindin’, Maestro?

  2. avatar
    jaime r.. | 14 January 2011 at 7:04 pm #

    Keep.. keep to yourself.. keep it in case.. keep it when yu need it for a pretty smile for your face.. Please dont be afraid.. surrender to it.. give to it.. it is thee.. the only thing that transmits.. that connects.. without fear and retribution.. without wonder.. it is there.. and these songs are true but not for us.. we can sing more songs.. softer kinder.. without words.. i dont know.. it left me.. it left me alone.. im am thee.. the one who sings.. the one who lives.. the one who cares.. but it goes.. and it burns and beckons.. but its never too late.. I swear it.. I am to be the silent one.. the caring one.. the believer…

  3. avatar
    redgrevillea | 14 January 2011 at 7:09 pm #

    haunting, like the pinched, pained reverberations of the notes of Brian Jones’ sitar…

  4. avatar
    david | 14 January 2011 at 7:10 pm #

    if im you im gettin that “tock “deficiency fixed.., youre only spending half of your time..ticking is great , dont get me wrong ..but no tock?

    • avatar
      Christina | 14 January 2011 at 8:41 pm #

      Those last few hours just before dawn….so still,so silent…. alone with your thoughts and insomnia, seems as if you’re the only one awake in the whole wide world…

      • avatar
        Narelle | 16 January 2011 at 3:21 am #

        Hi Christina
        It certainly is so very quiet. Only OK if you don’t have to get up early. The other night I did venture outside and there was an amazing quarter moon…..I have this hideous habit of crashing out on the lounge then waking up like now….ready to go and wide awake (its 4 in the morning). Unlike the other night, I don’t have to get up at 5 for work. Early starts and late nights…an absolute recipe for disaster. Take care

  5. avatar
    hellbound heart | 14 January 2011 at 7:59 pm #

    we are here and we are with you…..

    love always…..

  6. avatar
    Narelle | 14 January 2011 at 8:03 pm #

    …….or should be waking down. The reliable clock/radio that screams, wake up, get up…..damn the racket, just 10 more minutes……oh well…….duty calls and thats a stone cold fact. The sun is rising and its a beautiful morning. A watered down image of midday, with softer light. Time to head off to work.

  7. avatar
    Helen | 14 January 2011 at 9:04 pm #

    Suddenly as the rain stopped, evoking a memory of a distant past, buried within that never ending tunnel of merely existing. Mr Kilbey I salute you!!

  8. avatar
    Steve Brian cox son | 14 January 2011 at 9:13 pm #

    Steve. You have been such an inspiration. Stay golden.

  9. avatar
    DavidP | 14 January 2011 at 9:29 pm #

    everything in this world is impermanent
    except for consciousness and eternity
    but thoughts and feelings and events come and go
    maybe eternity is impermanent too?
    would take a long time to find out I guess
    carlos castaneda reckons its the same amount of work to
    make oneself happy as it is to make one miserable
    I disagree
    without doing anything we are prone to negativity
    it is easy to go with the flow
    it takes an effort to swim against the current
    to rebel against the wheel of life, nature and the impermanent
    to connect with and grow that eternal part of us which is not earthed

    • avatar
      DavidP | 14 January 2011 at 9:38 pm #

      which is the source of true happiness

    • avatar
      Narelle | 15 January 2011 at 10:05 am #

      Hello David
      The debate is always on don’t you think…and quite a fascinating one … what makes us happy/sad. Carlos C may have meant the same amount of energy when he used the word ‘work’…a work in progress…cheers

      • avatar
        DavidP | 15 January 2011 at 7:04 pm #

        hey narelle, certainly both things are works in progress
        but to me one seems to be just going with the flow,
        e.g. a feeling of anger comes up and is indulged & acted upon, stealing some of our energy & strengthening that part of our psychology
        the other way is to disintegrate that anger and allow consciousness to act instead & conserving energy, a psychological rebellion requiring an effort of self-observation and then an additional effort to disintegrate the observed anger allowing one to act with love instead. So to me, Peace seems to require an extra activity than just going with the flow of temporary low emotions. Try maintaining self-awareness and awareness of the present moment all day without ever daydreaming or going into auto-pilot mode and see if it takes an effort of sorts to do it.

  10. avatar
    eldeano | 14 January 2011 at 9:36 pm #

    do you know someone close that is gone. you look at a photo smiling at you, can’t believe they are gone. Look at the years left, not many, what to do, feel grief, go on until you are gone.

  11. avatar
    Christine | 14 January 2011 at 9:43 pm #

    I want to hear you sing that.

  12. avatar
    Richard | 14 January 2011 at 9:48 pm #

    it seems that all this time lately with your songs
    has you rediscovering some of your lyrics
    .
    and it seems that all the horror, excitement and toil of the past few months
    has you finding new meanings in them
    .
    that’s the wonderful thing about words isn’t it?
    in the right hands they can mean anything

  13. avatar
    trick of the light | 14 January 2011 at 10:29 pm #

    sounds like in between days
    buy yourself a digital clock and clear your noggin.
    ….and remember to breathe “-)

    take care xx

  14. avatar
    linjo | 14 January 2011 at 10:44 pm #

    Dear Steve. Lots of words, lots of thoughts and compassion for you. Baybee, no one wants to see another suffer. Sorry you are going through the torment. That is all I can say. Yuk it sucks so so much. Hugs and thoughts xxxx

  15. avatar
    nic | 14 January 2011 at 10:49 pm #

    it is indeed a time of the day/night (?) when one can just ‘be’ …. the whole world is asleep … and you can truly be yourself … think… nurture … meditate … or even NOT think (!!) … just be in a bubble of not having to give to others, answer to others…. meet anyone elses needs … no phone ringing … no knock at the door …
    as much as I need sleep … I cherish being awake in the wee hours …after the daily chore of constantly giving to five other beings … its bliss to just have my own company in those wee hours …and find myself again …
    I think being ‘unclothed’ on your balcony in the moonlight … the still of the night (although Bondi never seems to be that still from my few times in Sir Thomas Mitchel Rd ! especially those HUGE cockroaches! ) … is a good thing … next time light some candles … play some music … have a jazzy smoke … and enjoy just being you …
    and maybe … just maybe after a few of these nights … those paints might get rediscovered … (all in good time) … xxx

  16. avatar
    Once | 14 January 2011 at 11:31 pm #

    Just got up and read this.

    And read it again. And again. Can’t stop reading it. (yells “f**kin’ hell!” at laptop screen…got no words for the perfect words, the feelings captured so painfully, so beautifully).

    “i walk around the kitchen searching for something to prolong the night
    morning is coming and it will find me wanting”

    Been there, but could never express it like that. You are amazing.

  17. avatar
    Scott Coan | 14 January 2011 at 11:42 pm #

    Life speeds up, Steve. (Don’t you know).

  18. avatar
    melby symon | 14 January 2011 at 11:50 pm #

    Sk…I just finished No Certainty Attached.

    Mate…that is some sort of life you’ve led.

    As impermanent as everything seems looking back…you should be very…VERY proud of all that you achieved personally in life and with the Church.

    Many thoughts….Melbourne >>>>>>>>>> Sydney

  19. avatar
    Mike Hutch | 15 January 2011 at 12:22 am #

    “My ears ring in the silence…..”…so you DO have tinnitus!! Read all you wrote, but that line sticks out. Bastard of problem we have to face. Constant screaming thru your head 24/7…loud sometimes, soft and silky another, but it just won’t go away!!! It did for me once…1 day I woke up and didn’t hear a thing…”I’m deaf!!!” No, I wuzn’t, I heard a bird! It lasted ALL day and it was the happiest moment ever, but as I went to sleep that night, I knew that I wouldn’t wake up alone again, like that morning. Playing and listening to music is the only mask I and many others have, to drown the screaming out. We all have our problems, some greater than others, many, some just don’t understand….and never will. Take care SK

  20. avatar
    BROKEN TOYS AND HEROS | 15 January 2011 at 12:36 am #

    Bless you Steve, I wish you the very best. I hope you can feel all of us…reaching out to hold you, embrace you, give you hope. There are masses of us, across this entire globe who care for you, outside of the fame and glow of your aura. It will never fade. Just hold on for hope. You may be surprised at the future outcome. The present does not always predict the future, you make it for yourself. We all care for you with the love for another human being… filling our hearts. Hold on…brother, I have faith that all this will soon come to pass and only smiles from you will be the outcome that everyone is holding on for. It will happen because you can and will make it happen. I believe in you.

    AsAlways

    Darrin K.

  21. avatar
    Freddie | 15 January 2011 at 12:57 am #

    But what if I douse you with a bucket of rainbow paint and sprinkle you with fairy dust?
    And if I dispatch a swift winged horse to take you wherever you wish to go?
    I wish I could. I just hate seeing you like this! :’^( ♥

  22. avatar
    cymbal | 15 January 2011 at 1:03 am #

    i have to sleep with earplugs now
    it drowns out the noises that keep me awake
    it wasn’t like that just a few years ago
    then things just changed into one awful ache
    you remind me of my older brother, clad in his musical armour
    a genius with songwriting, a testament to the art
    weighed down sometimes with misery, a quiet pain in his heart
    life’s dealt him a harsh blow, and i don’t know his pain
    only memories of childhood, so much we lost, so little he gained
    i retreat to those quiet corners even when the light is heavy
    try to figure out the things inside
    to wish upon him and the time being glad tidings,
    beautiful wishes and a blissful night

  23. avatar
    cazziem | 15 January 2011 at 1:35 am #

    You blog today can be interpreted in different ways SK; it just depends on the readers frame of mind!!

    The still of the night can be one of the most beautiful times for solitude, reflection and contemplation. However, when you just want to switch off and rest it never feels the way we hope it will.

    I guess the bottom line is as a race, human beings are never satisfied with what they’ve got and I’m no exception. When my daughter’s home blaring out the standard stuff 18 yrs old listen to these days I long for her to be elsewhere for some peace and quiet. When she is, then the house it too quiet and I feel lonely, and I guess a little unwanted, unloved and/or unneeded.

    When I set candles around the bath and pour a glass of wine it’s guaranteed that the moment I relax the phone will ring or else I just CAN’T relax. Either way, we all go through times like these, but rest assured that we all manage to get through it and don’t forget there are many people out here for you for the times when you don’t want to go it alone.

    Sending you thoughts of peace and contentment from across the globe, not to mention lots of love. xx

  24. avatar
    robertmadore | 15 January 2011 at 2:27 am #

    The mind incessant.

  25. avatar
    Anonymous | 15 January 2011 at 2:35 am #

    you are so lucky… I remember you wrote pervious that your children would be back soon. three happy wonderful rays returned… can’t be angry then, so at least you have time now… but still know it will be short lived… and then the band’s tour… no time left for. (kids are the best part of life; being in The Church — really really really good too.) What a lucky man.

  26. avatar
    Grima | 15 January 2011 at 2:48 am #

    yes it has finally ended. I held my hands out a number of times but was ICED all along. . Grima laid the tracks to his desired conclusion. .. It was a minefield from the start. Said things I never should have said.read things I never should have read. It was a Kangaroo court and I was held in contempt before I even stated my case. Grima runs the place. But it is over now .No more timebeing.No more reading any posts here. This is all now The past. You won Grima !!! (Karma is real my friend) Anyways S.K, Good Luck with your life and finding peace of mind.

  27. avatar
    davem | 15 January 2011 at 3:28 am #

    I rarely give or take advice so if there ever are voices (female or otherwise) talking to me I can’t fucking hear them. Suits me.

  28. avatar
    sarah | 15 January 2011 at 4:48 am #

    they say grace speaks to us in silence. they say the subtle and pure of mind can hear her talking like this and that is all one needs. they say the goddess whispers sweet-nothings to us like this through the grace of her quite, calm, unconditional love. but if we can’t hear her through her gracious ways she grabs us firmly by the shoulder and nudges us again and again and again until we listen. if we still can’t hear her she is willing to take us by the throat and bang us against the wall of life to get us to listen to the reality at hand. then if we still can’t hear her she throws us belly down to the cool earth and pushes our face into the mud of her body…..still not listening? she’ll step on our necks to press the gravel of life ever deeper into our face until what she is saying can be finally heard and accepted by us. there is a time for everything. life has a stop and start date. nobody gets out of here alive. very little is up for negotiation. the belly aching is bliss. the suffering is delicious. preference to “not feel this” and desire to “instead feel that” is nonsense. in reality this is all her body of being. you are the goddess and you know it…you little joker. 🙂

  29. avatar
    jeanz | 15 January 2011 at 5:33 am #

    It must be a really hard time for you. I just hope things get better for you.Time is a healer. Take care

  30. avatar
    Tanya | 15 January 2011 at 5:44 am #

    I plot up schemes…. is the line of the day for me. Thank you and take care.

  31. avatar
    Mike | 15 January 2011 at 6:27 am #

    Steve, I wonder if rehearsing so much P=A is taking a toll. Just a thought, and hopefully it’s not the case. P=A is an intense trip you have to get back into. I remember reading about the toll acting certain rolls took on some actors. The amount of psychological toll exacted can be too high.

  32. avatar
    Andreas | 15 January 2011 at 8:31 am #

    This blog has reminded me of this:

    It is the evening of the day
    I sit and watch the children play
    Smiling faces I can see, but not for me
    I sit and watch as tears go by
    My riches can’t buy everything
    I want to hear the children sing
    All I hear is the sound of rain falling on the ground
    I sit and watch as tears go by
    It is the evening of the day
    I sit and watch the children play
    Doing things I used to do, they think they are new
    I sit and watch as tears go by.

    • avatar
      Once | 15 January 2011 at 10:21 am #

      Hi Andreas! How bizzare! That was my first thought, too…but then I realized it was from “Paint it Black.” I don’t know why I thought of “As Tears..” first, either…maybe just the feel it?

      • avatar
        Once | 15 January 2011 at 12:00 pm #

        ** of it

      • avatar
        Once | 15 January 2011 at 2:28 pm #

        Both are Stones songs. The first being a (nice) cover. Paint it Black being rather bitter.

        Perfect title.

    • avatar
      . | 15 January 2011 at 11:08 am #

      Very good.

      • avatar
        Once | 15 January 2011 at 2:59 pm #

        LOL…I hear the predator say, WHAT ARE YOU???

        Don’t wanna know, I guess, but…

        So happy, and I don’t mind…yeah,

        Go ahead – ask.

        This scrapy song doesn’t sound like the church…it’s about ur kids…oh lovely…
        and you can’t let it go…
        Nice…

        Respect is due.. Wish I could have been a mother.

        Not meant to happen..

        Can’t let it go…
        Angel Street

        PERFECT.

        • avatar
          Once | 15 January 2011 at 3:32 pm #

          ^^^argh, delete it..i get nutty when I have a smoke…or, take it in the positive spirit in which it was meant.

          Did I mention how much I LOVE this record?? OMG!!!

          I’m goin’ crazy…too good…damn, you guys are awesome!!!

  33. avatar
    eekie | 15 January 2011 at 8:55 am #

    Mourning is a bitch, but the process has to be worked through.

    I hope in time you will find the peace and happiness you so desperately crave.

    With love,

    eekie

  34. avatar
    stealth blue | 15 January 2011 at 9:05 am #

    …but hopefully not yet, not for a very long while, buddyboy! You still have a lot of livin’ to do. Lots to share and lots to receive. The world’s a better place with you in it. Peace be with you, my fine-feathered friend. 🙂 Try to get some rest.

    Take care, Steve, and see you soon!
    P&L to you all…

    Ben

  35. avatar
    Karen | 15 January 2011 at 10:05 am #

    now Ive got paint it black stuck in my head

    I love beng alone, going back to work soon & I’ll have to pretend to like people & be run off my feet…sigh well I like some of them
    keeps me off the streets & busy no time to think.

    You will be busy ,kids back ..flying off to the other side of the world .

    I admire you, so many creative talents.. music painting well not at the mo..paints laying on the floor ( so are mine.. terrible procrastinantor
    and writing such amazing talent
    Id be enjoying the peace ..well as much peace as you can have with whats going on.. plus the damned mozzies cockroaches & jets ..
    while you can

  36. avatar
    Brien Comerford | 15 January 2011 at 11:15 am #

    Female voices usually tell me to fuck off. I’m hated for loving !

  37. avatar
    Anonymous | 15 January 2011 at 11:24 am #

    without the darkness, we would not see the stars

  38. avatar
    Donna | 15 January 2011 at 11:43 am #

    Beautiful. Love the contrast between the restless, tormented soul and the calm, still night. Only i wish you didn’t feel that way. Hope things get better for you and those you care about.

  39. avatar
    Once | 15 January 2011 at 11:57 am #

    So, after a full day (driving to the office, booking flights and trying my best to offer the superior customer service that our company is known for – don’t leave homwe without it!)I come home to this. And read it again. And now that I am fully awake, cat rubbing his head on the screen, glass of wine in hand..

    ./;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

    sorry, that was the cat…stepped on the keyboard. Where was I?

    Oh – so, Mr. Kilbey? Steve?

    I totally LOVE this. Don’t ever stop expressing yourself, mate. The more that you give to the universe – the more it will give back to you.

    Thanks again –
    Donna

  40. avatar
    txrok | 15 January 2011 at 1:29 pm #

    sometimes I wish that I could go to bed early and get up early … like I used to — but the night holds such unknownness and awakening in the dark – nothing like any other time it seems. “the night is dark and I am far from home” — even tho I am home, that is.

    This is for you, Mr. Kilbey:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U5sSEkZ86ts

  41. avatar
    Once | 15 January 2011 at 2:10 pm #

    I am listening to Untitled 23, with a newly opened mind.

    I had a hard summer. I learned alot.

    This is the best music I have ever heard.

    D.

  42. avatar
    Fan | 20 January 2011 at 7:19 pm #

    Untitled 23 is a masterpiece…anchorage is the song of the century


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