posted on April 17, 2009 at 9:57 pm

there are many types of goose-balls
but this is outside the scope of this arti-kel
there are many types of trees
there are flying fish whose wings both swim n fly
there are cheetahs who can run at 70 mph
there are winged monkeys
there are mastodons of industry
there are the new collapsing buildings
there are men who breathe under air
there are 5 moons in the sky and a dark sun
how many words am i holding up?
what was the date of your 1st date?
i descend down into nonsense
somewhere in here is the new blogs thread
i wade through the one billion sentences my mind has ready
should i be in need of more nonsense
just lately
i been wondering about nonsense
when i started reading the bible again there
or am i an idiot?
gee i remember all those ranking idiots
i remember a kid at school called jeff hurst
could rank all the idiots in their correct order
actually idiot was at the top of the list
at school these words were freely bandied about
especially in card games:
you moron kilbey you could have used the king…!
hes not a moron hes a cretin!
much laughter
the morons and imbeciles seemed to have faded
the cretins are long gone
i called one of my kids a cretin recently
but they had to ask me what it meant
and then had a good chuckle
as i tried to remember the old lyneham high ranking
imbecile is such a great word
it was used freely in the three stooges by moe
followed by a two finger eye jab
which made a funny popping sound
at dapto primary the 2 finger eye jab caught on
but no one could get it to make that funny popping sound
even idiot has so many sub catty gories ie
the quite common “stupid idiot”
the old fashioned ” bloody idiot”
the personal “you idiot!”
the exclaimed “whattan idiot!”
the ageist extremes “young idiot n old idiot”
the sizeist “little idiot n big idiot”
the rude “fucking idiot” which is
probably my favourite
and a way i think affectionately about myself
i sit here n eat some bread pudding
my mother made it for me
its like bread and dried fruit gone all cooked
crusty on outside
kinda moist n delicious on inside
not to be mistaken with bread n butter pudding
not to be mistaken for apple n rhubarb crumble
in america they have peach cobblers
(in uk cobblers is slang word for the testicles)
i remember first time someone asked me if i liked peach cobblers
me : huh?
i have met some “real idiots” in my day
and yes it really takes one to know one
i saw a haughty girl walk into a pole
i saw a proud man lose his pants
i saw children being spoiled by parents
i saw children being beaten by parents
i saw 1950s mutton dressed up as 1960s lamb
i saw man land on the moon
voice in a nother room : or did he land in a studio in california…
i saw vandals n widgies n sharpies n skins
i saw bullies n bitches n bastards n buffoons
i saw sods n fools n floozies n boozers
hey they still making some good idiots now
i havent caught up on them so much
but tv n radio personalities are up there
idiotically speaking
with any of the bozos n turkeys from “my” day
“total idiots”
youd put george bush in there wouldnt you?
he just has got all points covered
tho they say his iq is quite high
but so is mine
so theres 2 reasons to disbelieve in iq tests
but i must be an idiot to think bush is an idiot
actually hes a great guy
he really cared about us n so did his friend dick
they loved us the people
and they tried so hard to protect us from ourselves
and they tried to smoke out those terro-ist idiots
but theres just too much evil to clean up
what with war on drugs
war on terror
but no war on making levees for new orleans
no war on povery n complicated expensive legal n medical system
we/you musta been idiots voting for him (twice!?)
well actually once
the second time
cos like the first time
some idiot manipulated some idiotic system
and the guy who got the most votes…er…lost…
now call me an idiot again…but aint that stupid?
no actually
i cant get over it
the way that all justice is so easily perverted
we must all be idiots really
we stand by
watch each new idiot get it wrong…
how hard can it be to not be an idiot?
rocknroll has loads of idiots too
almost anyone singing about satan or death n putrefaction
boy bands are generally required to be idiots
the olde geezer with the hat i consider quite an idiot
g n r seemed quite an assortment of them too
all those glam heavy bands
vince neil …”classic idiot’
the guys in poison : idiots thru n thru
whitesnake iron maiden leppard sabbath
many an idiot amongst em
the sweet
gary glitter
rick astley
duran duran
new romantics
boy george
milli vanilli
oh god
the liszt goes on n on non
us idiots
weve penetrated every echelon of society
idiot security guys
idiot air stewards
idiots coppers
idiot thieves
idiot husbands n wives
idiot neighbours
idiot weathermen
idiot drivers
idiot wind
and idiots anonymous
are you an idiot?
be truthful now
theres a little idiot in all of us

31 Responses to “idiots guide to idiots by an idiot”

  1. avatar
    Anonymous | 17 April 2009 at 11:46 pm #

    killer- i do have a certain amount of idiocy in me but I swear I never, never voted for bush! twice I never voted for that fool. looking forward to seeing you in the states.

  2. avatar
    Brien Comerford | 18 April 2009 at 12:17 am #

    I am a complete idiot. Was beset by incessant panic attacks at age 19 and did not have the decency to see a shrink and get medication until I was 29. That obstinancy destroyed an engagement with a lovely fiancee, kept me out of law school and made the illness so bad that I live the life of a decadent monk who can’t drive or go into large crowds in downtown Chicago unless I’m sedated to the point of being a zombie. Brien=Idiot !

  3. avatar
    Richard | 18 April 2009 at 12:21 am #

    you forgot village idiots (you idiot)

    I’m a binary idiot

    I am hopeless when it comes to simple yes/no, left/right, up/down choices

    throw in an extra dimension or direction or level of complexity and I’m fine

    I once ‘repaired’ a power extension cord by replacing a plug at one end. I carefully followed the directions, got all the right coloured wires in their right places. Plugged it in and switched it on and found that I was holding a power cord with a male plug at both ends. Could very easily have killed myself.

  4. avatar
    M E M | 18 April 2009 at 12:34 am #

    ok. just wondering

    you know i quit me job

    a year ago

    i work with 5 – 8

    graders special

    kids i teach them

    art they call me

    obi-wan kenobi

    it makes me weep

    when i think of it

    these kids who get

    so fuckd in the public

    system and then

    they find me

    and somehow i

    become a jedi master

    for them no financial

    reward could ever

    reciprocate, and

    believe me it doesn’t

    i will be fed like

    the swallows



    the lilies

    of the valley




    if i never loved

    i never would

    have cried

    i am him

    he is me

    me is?

  5. avatar
    phil in Canbagerra | 18 April 2009 at 1:22 am #

    I confess… (cue sound of gentle sobbing) I am an idiot for choosing a something I thought was creative – a “Bachelor of Arts in Urban Studies and Town Planning” degree. Having been inspiried by the great old town squares of Europe only to be sorely disappointed by the neanderthal thinking of New Holland, where idiot developers rule – having absolutely no idea about subtelty, restraint, sublimeness…..

    As some sage said “there is no excuse for ugliness”.

    Dr. Phil

  6. avatar
    ...being here, doing this... | 18 April 2009 at 2:25 am #

    i saw man land on the moon
    voice in a nother room : or did he land in a studio in california…


    one types silently
    as a nother deciphers
    the touch of fingertips on keys…
    a telepathic morse code…

  7. avatar
    Freddie | 18 April 2009 at 2:58 am #

    I have an idiot’s guide to poetry on my bookcase. 😀
    It’s no help to me.

  8. avatar
    linjo | 18 April 2009 at 3:11 am #

    I have a healthy amount of humility as a result from past idiocy.
    My son has left me a copy of Fleet Foxes cd, rather nice 60’s feel sound.
    Hope you have a lovely weekend Steve and the dust has lifted down there. Linda

  9. avatar
    EDD | 18 April 2009 at 3:44 am #

    Oh yes! A card carring member. I mean I’m not a republican idiot. I’m a liberal.

  10. avatar
    steve kilbey | 18 April 2009 at 4:52 am #

    some comments idiotically deleted accidentally
    sorry guys!

  11. avatar
    Anonymous | 18 April 2009 at 5:56 am #

    Had to listen to “Idiot Wind” again after reading this. Idiot neighbours and idiot drivers are top of my list at the moment.

    Ollie was in fine form last nite, but it ain’t quite the same without his side kick Stan.

    Lady Di

  12. avatar
    loolaabillions | 18 April 2009 at 6:21 am #

    i have a great
    idiot grin…

    and i am definitely
    one for not
    going to see you on
    thursday night…

    and you sang tristesse too
    witch i lurrve…xx

  13. avatar
    Anonymous | 18 April 2009 at 6:28 am #

    …you haven’t touched on another important group and our love of equity on this blog demands you do…

    what of ‘fools’ old chap?


  14. avatar
    Anonymous | 18 April 2009 at 7:12 am #

    A virtually broke aging bondi resident commenting on american politics. Bush won re-election by nearly three million votes but facts are stubborn things when considering homo-erotic obscessions. Let it all go about bush for awhile and get back to making albums with fucking whale noises. You have become a virtual caricature of yourself as bohemian. Knee-jerk comments with little real thought.

  15. avatar
    Anonymous | 18 April 2009 at 7:20 am #

    I don’t want to be an American idiot (insert doof-doof kick on each beat of the previous 2 bars)

  16. avatar
    Anonymous | 18 April 2009 at 8:24 am #

    nice post but you forgot the biggest of them all

    Michael Jackson


  17. avatar
    Freddie | 18 April 2009 at 11:47 am #

    “Having been inspired by the great old town squares of Europe only to be sorely disappointed by the Neanderthal thinking of New Holland, where idiot developers rule – having absolutely no idea about subtlety, restraint, sublimness…..”

    Since we’re having a pity party with the sobbing and all 🙂 it’s like that in the U.S. too; developers rule and the rules don’t seem to apply to them. It’s sad that most of the people with the money don’t seem to give a hoot about beauty and subtlety and it’s even sadder that the local politics allows them to get away with it.

  18. avatar
    Richard | 18 April 2009 at 1:06 pm #

    wanna hear something REALLY idiotic?

    Not a religion

  19. avatar
    Hellbound Heart | 18 April 2009 at 2:21 pm #

    i am a fucking idiot (and i don’t mean that with any affection) for craving what i can never have as my own….
    love always…..

  20. avatar
    davem | 18 April 2009 at 3:49 pm #

    Does that mean box of birds 2 won’t include a cover of Wig Wam Bam? Bugger.
    My copy of #23 has arrived….I’m half way through my first listen. Heaven.

  21. avatar
    m.p.k | 18 April 2009 at 5:12 pm #

    We’re all complete idiots from time to time. And we’re all blind. Hence I have some compassion, when I can spare it. I think that’s why they say “the sage does nothing”. Does nothing, says next to nothing.

    I bought two tickets to the San Francisco show at Slims! You guys should play another night if you can swing it, I would go 5 nights strait if it was available…

  22. avatar
    Thomas Thomsen, Denmark | 18 April 2009 at 5:44 pm #

    The list sure does go on and on and on. Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, etc. And their millions of idiotic fans.

  23. avatar
    restaurant mark | 18 April 2009 at 7:11 pm #

    are you an idiot?”

    of course i can be an idiot! what a silly question…
    high iq sure…

    take care and have a good weekend everyone

  24. avatar
    Anonymous | 18 April 2009 at 8:06 pm #

    Have to disagree about Iron Maiden being idiots. OK, well maybe their drummer Nicko McBrain, a drunken idiot yoohoo, but still a great drummer! Don’t forget ACDC, Kiss, and Van Halen…

  25. avatar
    eek | 18 April 2009 at 9:11 pm #

    are you an idiot?Often.

    And one of my idiot moments involves bread pudding. My mum loved bread pudding, so I’d make it for her sometimes. So one day I’d made some and was moving it, but I slipped, or tripped, or something and the pan went flying. It was like a bread pudding explosion. It went everywhere — all over the stove, the counter, walls, the dog, me. And right at that moment my mum and the realtor selling the property walked in. At least the house smelled really good. 🙂

    Mum never asked for bread pudding again.

  26. avatar
    eek | 18 April 2009 at 9:52 pm #

    And congratulations on blog number 1200!!

    Not that I’ve been keeping track or anything… :uhohsmilie:

  27. avatar
    Anonymous | 18 April 2009 at 10:22 pm #

    as always, killer thanks for making me smile and think.


    i am timothy, lord of the idiots!


    tim fenn

    p.s. cant wait to see you in june in ferndale michigan.. if my idiocy permits it!

  28. avatar
    heyday2day | 18 April 2009 at 11:00 pm #

    ok, time to share a bit of past family reality while hoping this doesn’t mark me or my family for derision.

    my father was voted into the texas state legislature in
    1990. he was elected by constituents in district 93. he was a member later when bush was first elected govenor of texas.

    while he was govenor, he was much, much more moderate/less partisan than he ever proved to be as president. when he took office in texas, he had several areas that he wished to have reformed, needed to be reformed. tort (frivolous lawsuit) reform, family code, juvenile justice, education, prison were the biggest issues. he chose my father during his first term to head up a task force on fixing/tweaking/improving/changing the texas family code. most of this had to do with the way the state handled child support claims for the indigent, penalties for deadbeat dads, etc… the bill that was written after months of research, meetings, etc was praised for being fair and proactive. bush (and my father) gained popularity for this new family code.

    during the second bush gubernatorial admin, he chose my father and some others to rewrite the juvenile justice system in texas. what had been in place was archaic with no eye to the future, unreasonable expectations and many unfairly treated kids. when house bill 93 (ironic isn’t it?) passed, it changed every beaureacracy that had any association with kids. the measures by which schools were funded changed, the way school districts handled “difficult-at risk” kids changed, the texas prison system and the way they handled children completely changed. thats just the tip of the iceberg. it too was widely praised and i distinctly recall being very proud of the things my old man had accomplished for our state. pics of bush and him appeared in papers throughout the state, tv news crews always were asking his opinions on family/juvenile issues, dad was popular and so was w. during that time, bush was more popular in his home state than he has ever subsequently been.

    before he ran for president, while dad was running again for his seat, some folks hosted a small fundraiser for my dad at my parents house. with newspaper writers and tv news crews writing and filming, govenor bush attended the fundraiser. i’ll have to admit that at the time, it was a really cool feeling to know that the govenor of texas was in the house i grew up in, eating at our table.

    it was very soon after that when bush announced he was running for president. i remember talking to my father about his opinions on how bush would be as a president. he thought that if bush could stay moderate (he couldn’t), focus first and foremost (like he had in texas) on things that needed improving domestically (he didn’t) and stay out of international affairs and let the experts handle it (we know the story on that), he would be ok as president.

    when bush was elected (?) president, he called my father and offered him a position in the administration. my father declined. he has never had a desire to go to washington. bush also invited my family to his first inaugaration. that was a fairly big event and we quiet enjoyed it to be honest.

    jump forward a few years and bush is failing. he was beginning his war on terror. i remember discussing it with dad and him saying that it would be the biggest mistake he could make, internationally and domestically. he was right. as time moved forward, we kind of became embarassed of our family’s association with bush. i’m not the expert that my father is(or alot of folks for that matter) but from my viewpoint he became an entirely different animal. one that i hardly recognized as being the same person.

    in 2006, the political bush backlash was very noticeable. my father was in a political race against a woman who by all measurables shouldn’t have been able to compete with him. every newspaper, publication, group endorsed my father but because he had that “r” beside his name on the ballot, and because even texans were in revolt at bush’s policies and acts, he lost. ironic, isn’t it?

    sometimes, we can never accurately predict how someone will react or what they will do when faced with tough situations. we also can not measure what effect power has on a persons makeup. i am one of those (but hardly the only one) that was completely fooled. i voted for him. what can i say now other than it was a huge mistake?

    please don’t ban me now (or flame me). love you all

  29. avatar
    Max | 19 April 2009 at 11:49 am #

    Enjoying the holiday week. My son loves the rick’roll. It got him an ‘A’ for his website. Go Figure. Richard knows the rest.

  30. avatar
    IronMaidenRocks | 19 April 2009 at 6:12 pm #

    Iron Maiden Rocks. Steve Harris is a great song writer.

  31. avatar
    lily was here | 20 April 2009 at 12:41 am #

    Sadly, I wouldnt know where to begin

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