posted on October 22, 2006 at 9:35 pm

poor olde our nicole
she coulda married anyone
she coulda married prince norbert of macedonia
or johnny idiot of the jets
or lion woods the golpher
or brad arm-pitt
or even
but no
she hadda go n hitchup with keethy urbane
a cognac n western singer
who grew up in orstralia
but strangely developed a nashville twang at age 9
and learnt to write those great country numbers
like” my dog divorced my truckstop man”
and “honey, i fucked the tractor”
and keethy was rollin in the moolah
cos of his grate originality
and he went to nashville
they couldnt even tell the difference
and he sold so many records
he had a ranch next door to the dicksy chicks
n willy nelson n dolly part-em
an he played at the gran’ ol oprey
more often than anybody.
and why oh why our nicole?
who introduced our nicole to keethy urbane?
well legend has it it was chopper read at an ice party in surry hills
but i reckon it was at the fishnchip shop here in bloody bondi
you know
the one where terry stamp tries to avoid us stalkers
keethy was walkin back from the nirvana beach liquor shop
with a bottle or three of cognac under his arm
when he spotted our nic having her sav battered
n a deep fried mars bar
urbane stumbled in
all bow legged from horse riding n roundin up the sheep
our nic wanted to smile
(she couldnt of course)
she was very lonely after that billionaire polo player proved to be shallow
and it hadnt worked out with whatsisname
who she thought she would always love
and there she was
slightly stiff n sad looking
in the bondi chip shop
i’ll have a deeply fried husband too she said to no-one in particular
keethy wrote a beautiful new song too
called hey billy, shes my kid,man
their ceremony was a top secret affair
except for celebrity pox magazine
who got exclusive rights to the whole shebang
seems a little brandy in the wedding cakey sent urbane off
and last week he checked into a bottleshop in utah
wearing only sunglasses n his akubra hat
nicole was so shocked
she wanted to frown but she couldnt
gee why am i always the unlucky one?
i shoulda listened to my father doctor horatio kiddyman
he said our nicole you should marry steve kilbey
one thing he dont have is a drinkin’ problem
but did she listen…..?
and keethy
im sorry
you cant do that cover of unda the milky whey
my parole officer thinks it’d be bad for me to be associated with ya..
sorry guys
uh…guess i wont be seein ya backstage at the metro our nicole
and keethy
if ya whiteknucklin it in rehab
just have a fuckin’ jagermeister

43 Responses to “i’m rich, i’m famous, ive got a filmstar wife and….i need a drink”

  1. avatar
    Chris Kan | 22 October 2006 at 10:32 pm #

    You on fire at the moment SK!
    Hope you and the doodles and the new toddler are doing well.


  2. avatar
    Melquiades | 22 October 2006 at 11:02 pm #




  3. avatar
    Anonymous | 22 October 2006 at 11:06 pm #

    Haaaaaaa! A classic! “I fucked the tractor, ‘an broke the pick-up’s heart.”

  4. avatar
    Richard | 22 October 2006 at 11:22 pm #

    nicole wanted to laugh but she couldn’t

  5. avatar
    Anonymous | 22 October 2006 at 11:30 pm #

    dooly part-em. that’s rich. i like that. hahaha. john foxx too.

  6. avatar
    freddy mercurial | 22 October 2006 at 11:33 pm #


    I really needed a laugh today and you delivered. Thanks for such a funny rant. I hope that you, your family and the Crunch lads are all in good form.

    All the best from the u/s/a,
    -Freddy with the fillings

  7. avatar
    Anonymous | 22 October 2006 at 11:41 pm #

    just wanted to let you know that, while i have a life, you make it brighter.

    richard of (richard and dena)

  8. avatar
    Anonymous | 22 October 2006 at 11:43 pm #

    country tunes like ” I know her daddy won’t mind cos she’s my daughter” – hey, dont blame me, Adnrew Denton came up with that one.

  9. avatar
    veleska1970 | 22 October 2006 at 11:45 pm #

    top o’ the mornin’, steve.

    i just heard about the nicole/keethy thing this morning (my time). gee whiz~~i suppose that celebrities have the same vices and frailties and fuck-ups as the rest of us.

    **shaking my head**

    well, i hope he can get himself dried out and stay that way.

  10. avatar
    damien | 22 October 2006 at 11:45 pm #

    Well, when you put it THAT way, Steve. . . .

  11. avatar
    davidcwelker | 23 October 2006 at 12:00 am #

    sounds like the perfect ingredients of a country song.

  12. avatar
    matthew | 23 October 2006 at 12:08 am #

    urbane mirror/anger myth?

  13. avatar
    Anonymous | 23 October 2006 at 12:08 am #

    I didn’think the time being would concern it’s self with the mundane …, the tawdry lives of ‘celebrities…’ reduce it’s self to the level of a gossip rag..who really cares and/or gives afuck that keffy screws up his good fortune…so it’s October, that’s rehab month in ‘starsville’..keefy has a new LP comin out….all the stars are aligning in that strange but familiar showbiz way…

    but OK OK it is a question I also wonder about,, of all the people that she could marry why not SK (or me ! )…I once followed her around the bondi junction shopping mall, just in case she needed some… options. PV

  14. avatar
    imber | 23 October 2006 at 12:57 am #


  15. avatar
    Anonymous | 23 October 2006 at 1:46 am #

    laughed out loud
    but v surprised you know
    so much about these people’s lives

  16. avatar
    arcturus | 23 October 2006 at 2:15 am #

    hi steve
    its sunday evening here in california.i just was catching up on yer bloggs,cause ive been working 15 hour nights on the tv show ER as a location asst.sounds like everything is cool with u!in 1 of ure recent bloogs,u mentioned kicking the big H.i completely understand if this subject is too personal to speak about.although i know that this choice must be accompanied with some great motivation and i was just wondering if you might like to share this story with us here?so again if u read this and think well its really none of your buisness,then i will understand.i do think this is an inspiration and some may benefit from yous wisdom.also there are two wolfs here where i live and they send their regards.ha..ha…seriously though ure bloggs are so entertaining and i appreciate your artistry.bless you and your family…keep you safe and living in abundant joy….love ya arcturus

  17. avatar
    Anonymous | 23 October 2006 at 4:09 am #

    tis a sorry tail indeed
    adjustment to co.& kane just ain’t evolutionarily included in the genetic make-up of young guns from cow-bull-turd (caboolture). And cognac ain’t bundy rum either. wonder if he had it with coke (haha) and ice(haha).

  18. avatar
    Anonymous | 23 October 2006 at 4:58 am #


    congrats on getting the best song gong!

  19. avatar
    captainmission | 23 October 2006 at 4:59 am #

    ahh ya gotta feel sorry for her, she got dumped by kid scientology, then fell for kieth ‘make mine a bourbon.’ maybe she should just get a poodle like paris hilton.
    havin said all of that did ya ever see ‘birth.’ most people hated it yet i found it amazing, a brilliant film that left me speechless….

  20. avatar
    CAPTAIN BEYOND | 23 October 2006 at 5:02 am #

    can you let Nicole know me am available…
    Jonny Hollywood

  21. avatar
    Anonymous | 23 October 2006 at 5:06 am #

    ” she hadda go hiccup with keethy whats is name”

    ive seen jager put giants to sleep…

    nicky and co jus need to do some acid …figure things out ..know what i mean.

    eat a peach..

    he musta woke up married and freaked out,..

    her “camp ” says she s gonna take it easy fer awhile ….you guys should have er over fer indian..a few jagers and i hear shes a real driveway pisser…

  22. avatar
    Nick Falkner | 23 October 2006 at 5:53 am #

    I laughed at the ‘Tractor’ song but then I remembered his famous sequel:

    The Tractor Done Left Me (A Dear John from a John Deere)

  23. avatar
    Anonymous | 23 October 2006 at 7:59 am #

    Thank you steven – you really made me laugh!
    Love tiny tot

  24. avatar
    Melquiades | 23 October 2006 at 8:03 am #

    Have you heard the latest Keith Urbain hit:
    “She Got The Ring But I Got The Finger”

  25. avatar
    limebeaver | 23 October 2006 at 9:53 am #

    great work steve,
    imagination elopes with itself
    what do you think about UTMW being best song on the EG thingsy?
    We didn’t manage to get you over the line for best band… but who knows, maybe some memories were jogged out there.
    I bet the EG/Age people never knew they had so money readers around the globe…

    may your blog live long(er) and cause you to prosper!

  26. avatar
    Anonymous | 23 October 2006 at 10:07 am #

    Ha Ha Ha!
    Actually, I heard that Alexander Downer introduced them. Enough said…!

  27. avatar
    stressecho | 23 October 2006 at 12:41 pm #

    Hi Steve
    I have enjoyed reading your blogs for many months and havent felt sufficiently motivated to comment but today’s piece on keethy and nic made me laugh like no blog posting has before.
    Keeth up the good work.
    Took my 16yo daughter to the Enmore gig. She appreciated The Church’s exemplary musicianship (being a budding bass player and drummer)apart from THAT hiccup but went all ga-ga at The Valentinos
    (for the record I think they have great potential).It felt great to
    experience a trans-generational musical event.

  28. avatar
    restaurant mark | 23 October 2006 at 12:59 pm #

    hey steve, as you know i live in georgia…so, i have a pretty daily perspective of your down home country types…better be careful with the jokes there buddy. some people take their tractor fucking very seriously here!!! ; )
    take care…great blog by the way!

  29. avatar
    sue cee | 23 October 2006 at 1:32 pm #

    Inga Liljestrom guesting at The Enmore was also a wonderful treat. Quite a voice and a very other-worldly performance.

    Very funny blog Steve. You gotta stop stealin’ those gossip mags from the hairdressers! Poor nic? She married Cruise, she has no taste in men. Not being able to frown or smile though LOL

    A $150,000 cannabis haul got waylaid by the constabulary yesterday, just up the road from me .. so sorry, your late birthday present isnt coming now sk 🙂

    But, congrats on winning best song on the EG Age Music Award voting.

  30. avatar
    mattd | 23 October 2006 at 2:01 pm #

    Keith is from, “”Whangerai NZ (so Whatever””North Island………..But typing from Ballerat VICTORIA
    All is good…just played day 5 on the drums,,,,,,,,
    Nicc is beautiful
    sk …you are very very lucky and very very Kilbey.
    embrace all….. we love you.

  31. avatar
    verdelay | 23 October 2006 at 2:26 pm #

    I’m with SueC – stop reading Pox and get back to work.

    We need you out in the fields – the best scarecroney we have.

    – your loyal serpent


  32. avatar
    CSTCoach | 23 October 2006 at 4:16 pm #

    Sitting in a cafe in Croatia one time a German country song came on. It sounded the same.

    It prompted me to scribble down a quick country tune, “I’m Only Lonely When I’m Sober”


  33. avatar
    Noel Christian | 23 October 2006 at 4:54 pm #

    “honey, i fucked the tractor” – that’s pure gold!

    Mr. Urban played a show for my company earlier this year (along with those MIA MILFs in Heart!). I was not in attendance.

  34. avatar
    ambnt1 | 23 October 2006 at 4:55 pm #


    I heard the reason “your Nic” didn’t marry you was you didn’t have a “Top Gun.”


    n.p. Shriekback, “Cormorant”

  35. avatar
    WhiteEyes | 23 October 2006 at 5:38 pm #

    hmm intresting here’s a Church song re-done

  36. avatar
    stealthblue | 23 October 2006 at 6:50 pm #

    Ha!! Fookin’ starzzzz and their drama! That was funny, man. Thanks for the chuckle, Kilbo… as usual, you rock!.
    Hey, what do you say we all have a field trip to DOLLYWOOD!!! Actually, Nashville is a pretty cool town…lots o’cool music…and not all “fucking the trakter” or “Uncle Daddy Grampa sez ahm purteee”!! 🙂
    Peace and Love,

  37. avatar
    ambnt1 | 23 October 2006 at 8:08 pm #

    Oh yeah, I just remembered Nic wasn’t in “top Gun,” she was in the car racing one with the Scientologist. Oh well, hopefully you got the joke…

  38. avatar
    nickfiction | 23 October 2006 at 9:20 pm #

    I’m the one who needs a drink, but i don’t …….even if it is herbal/ NickF

  39. avatar
    CeciliaGin | 23 October 2006 at 10:41 pm #

    It won’t hurt when I fall off from this bar stool – go Dwight Yoakam (he used to open for the punk rock shows in L.A.).
    Nicole-you gotta be KIDdingman needs to go into a treatment center as well, ween her off the botox and force feed her a sammich. As for me, when you see me on the red carpet in between Jack Black and Courtney Lube let the judgement begin.
    In the meantime:
    After 3 bottles of champagne we stumbled over to the Golden Chopsticks, it was good but why was one of the staff wearing a t-shirt with the state of California on it that read “California: Big, strong and hangs to the left.”
    I don’t think he exactly knew why either, it was ALL SO VERY LOST in translation.

    PS: was all this really necessary?
    Prolly not

  40. avatar
    JJ | 24 October 2006 at 2:03 pm #

    This stuff is killin’ me (I’m laughing out loud at work again, or agin’ as the C&W folk say). Country Crap…cannae stand it, especially the Toby Keith brand of shite.

    The Stones used to do good send-ups of it though, like “Dear Doctor,” “Dead Flowers” and – my fave – “Faraway Eyes” (“she run off with the nearest truckdriver she could find……just send $20 to the church of the sacred bleedin’ heart of jesus, and all your dreams will come true…so I did”) Funny stuff.

    Nicole….didn’t she have to stoop to try and be the same size as ScientologyMan? People Magazine is the Bible for many, many people here in the states. Hard to believe.

    Keep ’em comin’!


  41. avatar
    John Garratt | 24 October 2006 at 9:25 pm #

    I will now go to you if I am interested in celebrity news.


  42. avatar
    lorrain | 25 October 2006 at 12:08 am #

    Hello captainmission
    i haven’t seen “birth”, but from what the scenario has already revealed, it should be interesting and positive for everyone
    melquiades seems to know a lot about keith urbain and his humorous hits, for which he should not be secluded.
    may pan whistle his flute across generations…

  43. avatar
    Anonymous | 26 October 2006 at 11:15 am #

    hyuk hyuk hyuk!!! ‘i’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobobotomy’-classic country toone-who gives a rat’s ass about keefie & nickoll-it’ll be over in 6 months & they’ll be searching the chat rooms again.
    Piss funny, Steve, keep it up!

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.