posted on September 25, 2008 at 8:46 pm

steve kilbey woke up angry
his house was invaded by waterfowl and small dik-dik
he rose from his bed and personally wrung the neck
of every one of them creatures
before he turned on his kids
in a stoned stupour
thrashing them with copies of his solo albums
he’d found in the cut out bins
and hurling vile insults at them
in a pre-phoenician sea cant he was experimenting with
he looked at his self in the mirror
you know that predictable mirror
with the nightfriends(?!) on the other side
fuck
what a disgrace
fuckin malcolm turnballs got thicker pingis than me
he moaned in his ‘orrible discordant voice
jesus kilbey called out to his childe-bride duckling puig
i know guys of eighty in better shape than me
but his wife had the headphones on
ignoring ‘im n listening to some decent music
get ready for school you little ninny
kilbey roared
grabbing his youngest kid by the neck
but daddy….i’m only a lickle tiny baby said violet kilbey
i dont go to school yet….
well you will today
muttered kilbey
driving his tribe before him like a d-ranged white hippy moses
fucking turnballs got a bigger tribe than me he cursed
as he forced old ladies to cross the road
and put kittens up in trees
the street on the way to school
in fact
any street on any way to any school in sydney
was punctuated with small mountains
of dog poop
all in various stages of ….err…evolution..
most the other citizens didnt seem to mind tho
hey its just a little barkers egg…right?
on a cold morning when ya step in it
and ya have to have the heater on in yer car
stuff like that
or getting it walked into yer house
or vice versa
when people hit it with lawnmowers
or at night
when you cant see a thing
or when babies walk into it
or people slip over on it
or….
no no
it did seem that most people were happy
to hop skip n jump n avoid
the merry reminders from mans best friend
(but er..my best friends have always been er…men)
only crusty grumpy stoopid olde killa
would be angry about a small thing like
the kilos of dog poop strewn across the landscape
and have the gall
to sound off about it on his own blog…
kilbey often carried an axe
with which he beheaded dogs
dolphins
and baby orang-u-tangs
with the cry of
rocknroll!
or in the midnight hour
when he screamed
more more more
he was bitter cos mark see-more got his wag
kilbey was so washed up
that upon applying for a job as a dishwasher
he was refused on the grounds of nepotism
he gotta job distributing pamflits for turnball
but he couldnt get it right
no steve
you put the pamflit in this way!
getting home from his morning paddle in the lagoon
he unleashed his vile bile on his hapless readers
(not a fucking hap amongst ’em!)
oooh so n so was walking out
ooooh so n so dont like me anymore
ooooh so n so thought i was a hippo-critto-potto-mus
ooooh woooh…i’m telling on you
ooooh i know what you did last summer
oooohhh kilbey ate a beer chocolate n tortured a beeline
hey kilbeys head was exploding with all the upson downs
the best song ever anywhere anytime by anyone…
but mal turnballs had stacked the song preselection
by buying the Daily Bilge newspaper
and making sure his own song
“sod democracy i was born to rule”
was the most revered
bugger it!
kilbey thought as he jagged for dugongs
and netted hummingbirds
and pounded out vitriolic tripe
on his cockie-ridden lapptopp
(made from real lapps!)
he dribbled and ranted and became disenchanted
he was losing his precious readers at a terrible rate of attrition
they was walking out left right ad nauseum
some were leaving in retrospect
taking all their old comments out
from years back
please dont go
baby please dont go
kilbey implored ’em
please please me kilbey sang the leavers
leaving by the droves
abandoning ship as it were
kilbey jumped in a life raft
he noticed the other occupants were the wiggles
fuck it he said
as he dived into the sea
the sea of possi-billy-teas
the sea of uncert-aint-‘e
the c below the middle c
and c c ryder
and ride captain ride upon your mystery ship
and the white stripes blue movie
and black francis xavier and francis a sissy
and turnballs richard butler
(he has a butler for every body part!)
and kilbeys chipped teeth
(see ebay for the bit that fell out)
and matty davydsson with his fuckin karate piledriver
and ricki maymi whose painting was printed in the sydney morning herald
while he was up jamming with clark kent
in stu sutcliffes hotel room
and he was only having the primo
but he jumped up n said
“whats happenin’?”
and the rocknroll scientist in his lab coat
he was torturing me with elton john records
and creed
and the the wit-limbs
and the monicas
and malcolms john butler
and i am i am i am
but not you am i
and i was on the tv
and my mums getting her knee done on monday
please send the flowers to narnia
i am experiencing a temporary epiphany
norbal service will be rezoomed
is he having a laugh?
the anons have won a great victory over east asia
oceania is now our friend
bring the wag on
there ought to be clowns…
let the muse speak
muse: i…..
thats enough
a storm in a tiny tea cup
a kerfuffle
a scuffle in a toy shop
do what you want
go where you will
you are free
all of you
any of you
all absolved
ia ao ao
i bless thee
i bless thee
i …. i’ll see you later..
i bless thee
ok
now for something completely different

ah thats better

!

52 Responses to “kilbey redux”

  1. avatar
    Altres | 25 September 2008 at 10:46 pm #

    Painkiller: I won’t have time to do a full review until the weekend. That is good really, beacause I’m now on listen 5 and I love it more now that listen 3. I’m walking and cycling around in the Scottish autumn, listening to sounds that sound designed for the landscape.

    Just beautiful, bewitching, green turning to rust in the firework display that’s arriving. Can a CD predict the weather? Thanks Steve.

  2. avatar
    Altres | 25 September 2008 at 10:52 pm #

    BTW, it’s the best solo album you have ever released. It’s wonderful on every level. Thanks,

    Brian

  3. avatar
    Mark See-more | 25 September 2008 at 10:53 pm #

    Kilbey, you can have your wag back. My blog is a serious political affair. Do you wanna reform the Hunnas with me?

  4. avatar
    princey | 25 September 2008 at 10:55 pm #

    Haha, this blog says it all sk, that's why I love ya! 🙂
    Love & PEACE,
    Amanda

  5. avatar
    princey | 25 September 2008 at 11:14 pm #

    P.S. How was the debut KK show last night????? Did you sing&whistle "valentine", one of my favs!

  6. avatar
    Anonymous | 25 September 2008 at 11:14 pm #

    ah…,that is indeed better.

    I had 3 official giggles reading that…and that all i can ask for…a good start to the day…I’m of to start a scuffle in a toy shop.
    PV

  7. avatar
    Anonymous | 25 September 2008 at 11:39 pm #

    to more urgent matters – did u supply turnbull with the hoochimama he now regrets inhaling??

  8. avatar
    melissa | 25 September 2008 at 11:48 pm #

    would love to hear about the KK show last night and the Art Groupie show too 🙂 Hope both went/goes well … would of been amazing to go up to Syd for both, but finances would not allow me too 🙁

    glad to have PK show to look forward to!

  9. avatar
    restaurant mark | 25 September 2008 at 11:56 pm #

    that was hilarious! i’m sure someone will probably think you actually turned on your kids and grabbed the youngest by the neck…but…fuck ’em if they can’t take a joke!

    “on his cockie-ridden lapptopp
    (made from real lapps!)” you’re gonna get in trouble with save the lapps international!

    is he having a laugh?
    a little ricky gervais there???

    love ya man…
    take care everyone
    mark

  10. avatar
    Brien Comerford | 26 September 2008 at 12:55 am #

    That must have been very cathartic and it was aptly iconoclastic in reference to the modern animal rights movement. You may be thin, talented, creative, erudite, popular, rugged and full of swagger but I could demolish you in a cruelty-free vegan hot dog eating contest. Not in China-they eat real ones.

    The levity in today’s blog was appreciated. I hope the comment levels remain high. Some of your most inspiring and paramount blogs get limited feedback but when matters become contentious the comments are abundant. “Human All Too Human” said Wilhelm Friedrich Nietzsche of “Thus Spoke Zarathustra” fame and miunderstood infamy.

  11. avatar
    Queen Hatshepsut | 26 September 2008 at 1:35 am #

    Oh Steven. That’s more like it!

    sigh…
    denise
    🙂

  12. avatar
    tofu | 26 September 2008 at 1:35 am #

    and ride captain ride upon your mystery ship

    good lord, a Blues Image reference! 😉

  13. avatar
    Hellbound Heart | 26 September 2008 at 1:45 am #

    well i be stuffed…feel better now?
    can imagine the sweat trickling from your pores, the manic gleam in your eyes, the hoarse breathing as you punched this one out, sire…
    it’s gold!
    love always…..

  14. avatar
    Anonymous | 26 September 2008 at 2:10 am #

    SK,
    i love ya man….but where the hell is my painkiller. my seemingly endless patience is well-worn and thinning like MY hair.

    richard

  15. avatar
    Great Zimbardo | 26 September 2008 at 3:54 am #

    I’m just glad to know I’m not the only one to have had a keyboard infested with baby cockies. Vile, innit? Found a bit of noodle in my computer once and I think a cockroach must’ve dragged it in there to eat at leisure.

  16. avatar
    Anonymous | 26 September 2008 at 4:21 am #

    dude, we’re still readin’ ya

  17. avatar
    Anonymous | 26 September 2008 at 4:45 am #

    “Applied for a job as a dishwasher” I found that very insulting steve, I am a fourth generation dishwasher as well as the second assistant to the vice president of the dishwashers union. I have been a loyal fan of yours since earlier in the month but this time you have pushed me too far. Hell, I once raped a dog with under the milky way playing in the background. It is with a face full of tears that I type this message now steve-o. I am afraid that I will no longer be able to visit the blog. Although I have a heavy heart I must do it, my priest agrees with me. Fare-thee-well. DISHWASHERS OF THE WORLD UNITE!!

  18. avatar
    Anonymous | 26 September 2008 at 4:48 am #

    “dyslexics of the world,UNTIE!”-Mal Arkey haha!

  19. avatar
    Anonymous | 26 September 2008 at 4:58 am #

    I smoked pot once, it made me want to rape and kill.

  20. avatar
    jackfrostbruise | 26 September 2008 at 5:19 am #

    In the new spirit of the message section I would like to confess that I am the above mentioned dishwasher. After some praying, chanting, and the eating of an entire chocolate cake I have decided to stay on board. Consider this a warning Steve, any more mentions of dishwashers and I will consider it a personal attack. Also I collect butterflies (only the ones that have died of natural causes) so don’t mention butterfly collecting if you can help it.

  21. avatar
    jackfrostbruise | 26 September 2008 at 5:28 am #

    One last point for the record. I never actually raped a dog, the sex was at least 80 percent consentual.

  22. avatar
    Anonymous | 26 September 2008 at 6:01 am #

    Last night sure gave me pause to think. If Mal Turnbull hadn’t given up the dope smoking he coulda almost been you. Or…

  23. avatar
    persephone2u | 26 September 2008 at 6:25 am #

    “thrashing them with copies of his solo albums
    he’d found in the cut out bins
    and hurling vile insults at them”

    Ha! Sounds like it could be something out of a Curb Your Enthusiasm episode! We’ve got Australia’s very own Larry David right here…

  24. avatar
    Anonymous | 26 September 2008 at 6:38 am #

    Hey Brien Emodorf,

    Put away your fucking dictionary and take a walk. Breath the air and quit posting stupid comments on here. You are a boring syncophat (sp!@#). Or is that a harmonious erstwhile comment I made? wow look at me go! I don’t know but I think I’ll go eat some suckling pig and wipe my greasy face thinking about how brilliant you are…

  25. avatar
    Hellbound Heart | 26 September 2008 at 7:01 am #

    oh dear
    i wore my painkiller t shirt to work today and my teacher colleagues had one of the three following reactions:
    1) pleased recognition (hey, cool t shit, love the singer, didn’t he sing utmw and/or unguarded moment? blah blah blah)
    2) distain that a teacher should wear an art fart t shirt to school (ooooh he looks like he’s on drugs, i’m getting a pedicure and a facial this afternoon blah blah blah)
    3) blank stare (huh?)
    what are you doing with the rug biters this holidays, locking them up in a closet and force feeding them kfc by the looks of today’s blog…
    ok, i know i’m only allowed one entry per blog (sorry) and to keep it pithy so i’ll pith off now…

  26. avatar
    Hellbound Heart | 26 September 2008 at 7:03 am #

    hey, cool t shit????? d’oh!

  27. avatar
    CAPTAIN BEYOND | 26 September 2008 at 7:58 am #

    where’s my t-shirt with Mary’s purchase…
    Jonny

  28. avatar
    12str | 26 September 2008 at 8:12 am #

    one of those days 😉

  29. avatar
    the dean | 26 September 2008 at 8:20 am #

    that’s beautiful.

  30. avatar
    Richard | 26 September 2008 at 9:52 am #

    I got MINE at last

    I have a 4 hour flight on Sunday and know just what I’m gonna be wearing and listening to

  31. avatar
    Anonymous | 26 September 2008 at 11:12 am #

    fuck im drunk and addicted to this blog…hows about we move up to 2 entries a day, one morning one, one evening one…hey???? greedy greedy we all are…

  32. avatar
    Daneel Johnes | 26 September 2008 at 12:23 pm #

    I don’t eat animals cuz I love them. And I can walk in a straight line too.

  33. avatar
    verdelay | 26 September 2008 at 12:45 pm #

    More hip than hap, I’d like to think… or hipless, with snakelike anklets.

    ho-hum-hee, another drop in the pointless comments sea…

  34. avatar
    yes, sir! | 26 September 2008 at 1:06 pm #

    Steve, I have to say that’s fucken hilarious!
    It’s always immediately apparent when a blog’s fueled by nark – and this was FUCKEN FUNNY!
    Almost worth the grief over the last few days just to read a Kilbo firing on all cylinders.
    Fuck me, if you could harness this and access it at will, you’d rule the world, mate!

  35. avatar
    Anonymous | 26 September 2008 at 1:12 pm #

    Malcolm Turnball stoned cant decide if thats scary or as boring as you would expect a stoned politician to be.I love how you have gone from looking for a new wag to spouting hilarious vitriol at kids your own at that. Stay at the helm of the mystery ship captain !

  36. avatar
    i've thought of 8 more maymi jokes | 26 September 2008 at 1:23 pm #

    …but I’m being good now!

  37. avatar
    Anonymous | 26 September 2008 at 1:33 pm #

    Yes, I still read your fucking blog.

    ~ross

  38. avatar
    Anonymous | 26 September 2008 at 1:52 pm #

    next time you get national media coverage tell em about turnbull for fux sake! put the boot in while ya can!

  39. avatar
    Anonymous | 26 September 2008 at 2:15 pm #

    At least tell us who the new wag was going to be.

  40. avatar
    CSTCoach | 26 September 2008 at 2:39 pm #

    LMAO @ his house was invaded by waterfowl and small dik-dik

    Good god! dik-dik! well, at least you can be thankful it wasn’t a heard of springbok, or an impala bounding around, smashing the chandeliers…

  41. avatar
    Anonymous | 26 September 2008 at 3:52 pm #

    Everyone including you Mr Blogg, has totally lost the plot, gone berko, apeshite, whatever.
    Maybe this is your version of a public holiday. You dont have to think, just rant which, lets face it you do on auto pilot like breathing.
    I’m just glad I don’t have to pay.
    That must be your mantra now.
    Steve on welfare oohhmmmm

  42. avatar
    Anonymous | 26 September 2008 at 4:27 pm #

    Was that the real Malcolm Arkey at 2.48?
    These comments lost something when Steve pushed him out for his waggery.
    Hope y’doin well, Malcers!

  43. avatar
    dictionary corner | 26 September 2008 at 4:29 pm #

    “Wag”. it’s not as good a word as “fucken”, is it?

  44. avatar
    davem | 26 September 2008 at 5:43 pm #

    "Thrashing them with copies of his solo albums"……..how wasteful!!
    KH still hasn't delivered my copy of Painkiller and Dabble is out of print (I'm trying to replace my pinched copy as we speak). So wipe off the down and feathers and send some to blighty. Will allow you to beat what you will with Earthed/Unearthed/Slow Crack/Remindlessness/A & I though, as I have them all twice!!
    much love to you SK.
    xx

  45. avatar
    Anonymous | 26 September 2008 at 7:58 pm #

    because i was afraid to speak when i was just a lad..me muvver gave me nose a tweak n told me i was bad..but then one day i learned the word to save me aching nose.the biggest word youve ever heard,n this is how it goes!:disestablishmentarianism.

  46. avatar
    eek | 26 September 2008 at 8:17 pm #

    Wow! All sorts of mayhem and violence. What great fun — I love it! I laughed my fool head off. I picture you with that Bah Humbug-like face (complete with beady red eyes) stomping around. 🙂

  47. avatar
    davem | 26 September 2008 at 8:34 pm #

    How was the SK/MK launch Sir?

  48. avatar
    Melquiades | 26 September 2008 at 8:46 pm #

    Yes yes on to bigger and more obscure thingies

    xoxoxox
    Breeeean

  49. avatar
    captain mission | 26 September 2008 at 8:59 pm #

    good grief, i’m so depressed, i couldn’t attend last night, damm!
    i had everything organized but events conspired, so very sorry, i was so looking forwards to it. Hope it was a success.

    ps. i read in the daily rags that malcom turnbull actually says, it was a certain time being that led me astray down the path of refer madness. but he goes on to say he only inhaled once and saw his life in the future if he continued down the path of the herb, no butler, no tv exposure, no millions, no big house, no leader of the op, instead he was playing a strat, long haired and lean, in a band called ‘the screaming ad dabs’ that played a weird mix of space jazz and dub, supporting painkiller at a festival in byron.

  50. avatar
    Anonymous | 26 September 2008 at 9:29 pm #

    I like dogs ……

    Can’t eat a whole one tho

    Dutch pierre

  51. avatar
    Melquiades | 26 September 2008 at 10:24 pm #

    woul love to seen the KK show. still waiting for my visa to AUS. ha.

  52. avatar
    ross b | 27 September 2008 at 1:39 am #

    Malcolm turnbull bears a striking resemblance & demeanour to ye-olde richard Wagner – quite obviously he's the new 'wag'!


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