posted on August 17, 2008 at 9:02 pm

lying in my bunk
half asleep
the bus goes on n on
moving thru the black rainy night
i hear ploogie laughing and talking to the driver
i hear muffled music
i smell dope smoke drifting down the corridor
i roll over and sleep on
i dream as always of things going wrong
guitar necks with too many frets
microphones that go all limp
sounds that are stifled and unable to manifest
i stand onstage stark naked plucking at my stringless bass
a phone rings in a motel room
the roadcrew snorting an eightball
the entrance has been barred
the exit has been alarmed
the load-in was hours ago
i’m walking down the street in some midwestern town
trying to find a veggie restaurant
my hair is dyed auburn
my earrings are 2 blue mexican crosses
a green suede jacket and green suede boots
i’m lost
ive taken the wrong turn
i’m out of my depth
i’m on my own
i’m not thinkin’ straight
i’m jet lagged and confused
ive been up all night asleep
my pockets are full of belgian francs and dutch black cats
i sit down at a table
someone sets down a glass of water
its starts to rain again
my room wont be ready for ages
i wonder where tom went
ive still got my dads ring on
i take it off
and try for the one thousandth time
to read the inscription or whatever it is
but
i cant
the rain beats down steadily
gee i really miss……
who do i miss…?
cant think of anybody just right now….
300 gigs
300 smokes
300 drinks
300 reviews
300 how do you dos
the road……
maybe i’m only pretending
i tried to make myself tougher
but i just ended up emptier
the restaurant is is dark n warm
candles burn on
is this the sanctuary then….?
all sanctuary is temporary
the continuous state is exposure
raw nerves exposed
headaches and stomach aches
nervousness
loneliness
intoxication
hangovers
bullying and being bullied
accusing and defending
hiding in some temporary haven
but you always find yourself
the people clap but you feel worse
actually youre not even that good
youre so so
and you sometimes really know
you nibble at the food
people in here
husbands n wives
colleagues
friends
all quietly eating
a low drone of muted conversation
people living the real lives here in this city
the drudgery
the constancy
the hovels
the palatial haciendas
the fishwives
the soulmates
the crab grass and washing machines
the soft summer nights in the gardens
do you pity or envy them?
as usual with you i s’pose its both
you can never just see things for what they are
nothings black n white…even black n white
living in the suburbs
oh it could be so good or so bad
the possibilities fork out before you
you take out that huge green notebook
oh you were writing a lot of stuff in those days
you walked around the back streets of oklahoma
you can still see it now
those gentle lanes on the edge of the city
a motel with a pool
you sat up all night
imagining the lives of these people
whose back gardens you glanced into
as the 4 of you drifted down this lane
a long long back alley
that connected up all the houses
lovely homes spaced well apart
on this afternoon
the 4 of you
the 4 of us
had smoked marijuana and walked down this lane
the motel backed right onto this lane
and you’d smoked and walked and talked
probably argued and bickered
or ganged up on someone
but i was drinking it in
and that night after the gig
i opened the book and the words fell out
about some imaginary woman who lived up the lane
and her bizarre life
and her white skin and her scarlet cocktail dress
and i wrote about the men in her life
i imagined them and imagined them..
sitting at the table of my motel room
on the outskirts of somewhere in oklahoma
in 1988
and their lives are realer to me than my own
where is that book now?
(the solid book we wrote cannot be found today)
i sold it to get money for schmack in the ‘orrible nineties
ha ha said the clown
meanwhile in a parallel universe
i’m sitting in cincinatti or pittsburgh or birmingham
or goulburn or somewhere
nibbling on some jap-mex yum cha
when
“steve?”
i look up
its this girl from arista whos been on tour with us
arranging things
things like meeting people
and meeting more people
and signing things and being polite
this is horrible to say
but i have never remembered this girls name
so i just call her arista
“arista…?”
shes tracked me down
after all that is her job
she tracks down rude and air headed ninnies like me
so that we may do interviews n shake peoples hands etc
we are sorta adversaries
her representing law
me representing chaos
after all theres no way they can MAKE you do an interview
so it falls to people like “arista”
who is actually a nice sweet person
its just that she represents schedules n work n all that
i’m trying to get my head around everything at once
be all fucking things to all people
and i gotta go n meet some retailers….
the retailers never like me…
who would…?
i wasnt s’posed to be liked…
you werent supposed to get up close to me and like me
i was an obnoxious git and i had freckles
see
the illusion was instantly shattered
under the glare of commercial introspection…
so
leave me here
in this sanctuary
the soft buzz of talk
the rainy day
the glow of a fireplace
nothing here alters or affects me
i can be neutral
i can rest
leave me here
then

36 Responses to “kiss off”

  1. avatar
    princey | 17 August 2008 at 11:03 pm #

    Seems like a sad and lonely time was had back then sk, hope you dont feel like that anymore when ya touring, it’sno wonder you hate leaving home to play live. (why do you always attack your freckles, there’s nothing wrong with a freckled rock-god!)

    Sk, I saw on your myspace that a gig was cancelled coz you’re going overseas, hope everything’s ok.
    Take care and love always,
    Amanda

  2. avatar
    matt davison | 17 August 2008 at 11:03 pm #

    Sometimes Sk Your cinematic writing stirs me up beyound belief.. Thats another one…perhaps one of the best.

    I feel all filmy..like the Wim Wenders Classic Paris Texas…

    Sort of feel thats where this Time Being thing should head..

    Me playing a younger you… You playing you now.. and T stamp playing the older then you you.

    I would put Cate Blanchett up for NK.

    And Depp for MWP…

    BTW This is an Australian Film You Have to See

    10/10 Matt Davison

    Herald Sun.

    bye bye

  3. avatar
    matt davison | 17 August 2008 at 11:05 pm #

    Yes I did naff up my spelling again…

  4. avatar
    veleska1970 | 18 August 2008 at 2:07 am #

    “ive still got my dads ring on
    i take it off
    and try for the one thousandth time
    to read the inscription or whatever it is”
    thank you!! i always knew there was a story behind that ring. you’ll have to indulge me sometime.

    i have to echo amanda’s sentiments~~what a sad, lonely period of your life that was. so detached and melancholy, like softly drifting.

    i saw your blog post, too. hope everything’s ok.

    take care, steve.

    lotza love……

  5. avatar
    kat | 18 August 2008 at 2:38 am #

    you think you were in cincinnati, sk? glad those days are over, i bet..

  6. avatar
    bjmcwilliams | 18 August 2008 at 3:08 am #

    Steve (or anyone who knows)… how did you end up living in the U.S.? Was that the time around your “Dabble” solo album? Any thoughts or anecdotes on the album / time period?

  7. avatar
    Polydora | 18 August 2008 at 3:24 am #

    I am a lonely visitor…
    came too late to cause a stir…

  8. avatar
    linjo | 18 August 2008 at 4:36 am #

    Sad shades of ‘Pink’ today Steve!
    How many people really do know the ‘art of happiness’.
    Freckled rock god! luv it
    Linda

  9. avatar
    CAPTAIN BEYOND | 18 August 2008 at 5:04 am #

    nice memoirs…
    Jonny

  10. avatar
    Anonymous | 18 August 2008 at 5:51 am #

    Beautiful SK. The air of loneliness was heavy in this post. You are a wandering soul though Steve, a Magus of the earth and prose. Sometimes I think you dropped from a higher plane of conciseness and sprinkled a touch of the dust from that rarefied air on a few lucky souls down here. Enjoy the fireplace and the comfort in that freckled skin.

  11. avatar
    fantasticandy | 18 August 2008 at 9:43 am #

    steve,
    did you choose this lonely path?
    was it chosen for you?
    how many more weary miles?
    have you the fortitude?
    will you ever stray?
    do you ask yourself these stupid questions?
    or are they asked of you only by stupid people like me?

  12. avatar
    don't deliver it - sour it! | 18 August 2008 at 10:38 am #

    Andy, man, how can you stand to stay with the Post Office? Worst place I ever worked – start at 5.30, worst gaffers I ever encountered, treated like shit, talked down to like a child, stupid uniform, idiot public, saturday mornings, crap union in gaffers’ pockets, totally did my brain in. I actually quit after 10 months to go on the dole – and this was in 1985 when there were 4 million unemployed and no chance of getting another job! But it was better than staying at the bastard Post Office!

  13. avatar
    Hellbound Heart | 18 August 2008 at 11:38 am #

    you ok, mate?

    love always…

  14. avatar
    fantasticandy | 18 August 2008 at 11:58 am #

    don’t deliver it!
    yeah…..all day i have to put up with being told what to do by idiots who would’nt make a pimple on yer arse!
    but….after the bills have been paid and the family fed…..if i’m careful with the dosh…it just about supports this……http://www.myspace.com/theotheralien

  15. avatar
    Anonymous | 18 August 2008 at 12:03 pm #

    its coming on again

  16. avatar
    Anonymous | 18 August 2008 at 1:02 pm #

    Aye, those ‘bill’ things…it’s a bastard, innit.
    Speaking of which:
    Steve, just been paid, so here’s a bit to help ya get through August.
    Don’t thank me though or brien will flounce again!

  17. avatar
    Anonymous | 18 August 2008 at 1:09 pm #

    Sounds like you enjoyed it.

  18. avatar
    Anonymous | 18 August 2008 at 1:19 pm #

    Sorry, Steve, that paypal’s fucked – won’t accept my password and says that neither the address or phone number matches that in their accounts. I’ll try again tomorrow – sorry about that.

  19. avatar
    Anonymous | 18 August 2008 at 1:30 pm #

    Some artists explore their musical roots then proceed to explore a career, that gives them authority in their craft, but it appears to have gone the other way round in your enclave – first a career and now exploring those musical roots.

  20. avatar
    Anonymous | 18 August 2008 at 1:47 pm #

    The psycho awakes…

  21. avatar
    Anonymous | 18 August 2008 at 2:06 pm #

    Mirrors are scary eh.

  22. avatar
    not that old one | 18 August 2008 at 2:31 pm #

    Ooh yeah, you could go right through them into an alternative reality where things are almost the same but aren’t really…yawn…

  23. avatar
    Anonymous | 18 August 2008 at 2:42 pm #

    Steve, the paypal’s fine now. Must have been a blip in the system (or in my brain, which’s just as likely!). Anyhow, here’s hoping September’s easier than August.
    Oh, and Brien? I was only kidding, mate!

  24. avatar
    Jen Jewel Brown | 18 August 2008 at 3:26 pm #

    Hi long time no read. Offline after house move. Reflective and magic post split across times and places the dreamlike quilt of it all. Good to read you again.

    x
    http://flaminghoop.blogspot.com/

  25. avatar
    Brien Comerford | 18 August 2008 at 7:05 pm #

    I hope the sudden overseas trip is safe and constructive for SK. Thomas of Denmark- I’m sorry that your man Dan Fogelberg passed away of few months ago. Sorry if I spelled his name wrong but my one and only fiancee and truel love liked him very much (25 years ago). I have not heard his music since then.

  26. avatar
    Thomas Thomsen, Denmark | 18 August 2008 at 7:34 pm #

    Dan Fogelberg was at the top of his game between 1972 and 1982, but the song I mentioned was recorded for a live album in 1991. The reason I mentioned A Cry In The Forest is because I know how much animals mean to you, and to me the words and the performance, as well as the collage of pictures put together for the song by a fan on YouTube is quite moving.

  27. avatar
    verdelay | 18 August 2008 at 9:15 pm #

    …quite moving…?

    oh, I’m sorry. am i on?

    i’m not sure when it was
    exactly
    but one day (or night) it appears
    that you wrote about me
    you dreamed me into a kind of
    rough shape
    and then wrote me up
    cast e down upon that page
    in quick ink
    smiled wryly to yourself
    (perhaps)
    and then shut me away
    for what seemed like…an instant
    until i fell out of that book of yours
    (infernal prison)
    and into the clear air of…today
    it’s always today, nowadays
    not like the old days when it was…
    some other time

    anyhow
    i shook the adjectives from my crumpled suit
    did a little line of verbs
    and was on my way
    a hurriedly sketched caricature
    i may be
    but i have a life
    and it is all mine now
    all mine
    so i took it out on the road

    out into the world
    where even now i subsist
    amongst the detritus of
    other people’s stories

    at least
    this is what i tell myself
    i think it was your pen that sketched me
    but i can’t be certain
    i’m still trying to find out
    where i came from
    from whose pages i fell

    all those todays ago

  28. avatar
    steve kilbey | 18 August 2008 at 10:29 pm #

    oh …..harry!

  29. avatar
    knot | 18 August 2008 at 11:20 pm #

    oklahoma
    travelling mingled
    pleasure & humiliation
    mock me with my birth
    you seem unlike any
    other I have known, like
    my mother
    as great a tyrant as any roman emperor.

    and for the first time in many days,
    I slept

  30. avatar
    knot | 18 August 2008 at 11:23 pm #

    I am sorry
    I did leave out the part about the fried food.

  31. avatar
    eek | 19 August 2008 at 12:43 am #

    You know, in person I have never noticed you have freckles. I notice them on other people and with you I notice other things, just not the freckles. So if I ever meet you in person again and I look at you really intently, you’ll know I’m trying to make sure I notice the freckles!
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    And everyone should hustle over to the Karmic Hit site right now to preorder the Painkiller cd & tshirt special pack

    We’ve all been anxiously awaiting it and now it’s just about here!!! Yay!!!

  32. avatar
    Anonymous | 19 August 2008 at 12:56 am #

    Perhaps Mike Rose has your solid book

  33. avatar
    Polydora | 19 August 2008 at 1:25 am #

    “Dan Fogelberg was at the top of his game between 1972 and 1982”

    Thomas, Dan Fogelberg was the first concert I ever went to. It was 1982, and I was 12. My parents took me. As a child there were several songs of his I liked, but what stood out on that summer day, listening to him play live, was his banjo playin’. It was my first introduction to blue grass and I was instantly reeled in.

    Within less than a year, I got all into punk and new wave and, of course, The Church. Didn’t listen any Dan Folgelberg after that, but any mention of him fills me with nostalgia and a certain fondness. So thanks!

  34. avatar
    Anonymous | 19 August 2008 at 4:39 am #

    hi steve,
    I met ya 3 times over the years and you were just like you said in this blog, ie the vibe was a weary “fuck off”. so now I dig yer music from afar…

  35. avatar
    steve kilbey | 19 August 2008 at 5:01 am #

    sorry man
    meet me now
    ive become….almost…nice

  36. avatar
    Anonymous | 19 August 2008 at 2:05 pm #

    Steven, stop thinking about Harry…


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