posted on April 4, 2007 at 9:11 pm

whither goest thou, being?
in enchanted forests or great pulsing cities
under cowslips or among the insatiable machinery
there you’ll find me…
where hast thou been ?
in unimaginable unendurable silences
when my heart beat was the loudest thing on earth
when sleep eluded me and sickness licked me bare
alone in the wasteland of my ignorance
or running down the wrong road
grey dawns broke over me when i prayed for eternal night
the sun in the south withered my intentions
and northern snow blasted me blind
loneliness walked beside me on lonely coastal tracks
as dusk threw shadows across the world
and black shapes rose up inside the sea
in dismal rooms i sat and waited and waited
and i watched the railroads run away
upon an old horse riding up a hill
pulling my cartload of cares and woe
knocking on doors that never open
just angry voices from above telling me to get away
down by the highways edge with the weeds and small stones
where the broken glass and thorns hold sway
and the dead trees in the dead lake
following bad advice and divested of all that i had left
suffering the mocking whispers of the westwind
as its fingers lift my papers high into the treetops
where the blackbirds nest among the damp leaves
insane winters where i could not get warm
cracked skin and dry bones while my eyes run with tears
hard water and tasteless broth
headaches that stay for months
and im drained
messages scrambled
interference
collapsing sand walls
easter tide washes up flotsam and jetsam
and the faint sound of gulls crying
the water is chilly, uninviting
the air is thick with salt
basalt rocks squashed into squat grey blocks
black shells and rotting crabs claws
hooks and old bits of net
memories and regrets
the rust coloured sun sinks into metallic grey ocean
stranded on the point
yellowish foam
shipwrecks ghosts
the negation of all feeling

39 Responses to “lacunae”

  1. avatar
    Brien Comerford | 4 April 2007 at 10:13 pm #

    It took me four readings to grasp the essence of the esoteric, otherworldy and existential prose. Skeve KIlbey’s vegan meals give him very cerbral zeal. Now I feel a bit unreal in a troubled world that lacks appeal.

  2. avatar
    Brien Comerford | 4 April 2007 at 10:16 pm #

    Steve has cerebral zeal not cerbral zeal. Brien Comerford is really dumb at times.

  3. avatar
    mandn | 4 April 2007 at 10:22 pm #

    la·cu·na
    n. pl. la·cu·nae (-nē) or la·cu·nas
    An empty space or a missing part; a gap

    exactly, Orpheus.

    thank you.
    xo
    Mary

  4. avatar
    CAPTAIN BEYOND | 4 April 2007 at 10:22 pm #

    have ‘a’ great trip, see you in me next life…
    mjnjr

  5. avatar
    knot | 4 April 2007 at 10:26 pm #

    in the west
    where the sun daily dies
    and waits
    the rebirth, the egg, the chimney soot
    anger, laughter, madness, cars
    balanced on the knife’s edge
    stop

  6. avatar
    Daberhasher | 4 April 2007 at 10:26 pm #

    so glad you kicked the gear…
    these words, so harrowing yet beautiful… someone, somewhere will wake up to these words, and walk back into the light… i am sure of this… empowering through beauty, that’s as true as it gets… what a read, what energy! a good soul you are…

    aloha,
    ee

  7. avatar
    Anonymous | 4 April 2007 at 10:27 pm #

    Happy Easter you bunny!

    Dutch Pierre

  8. avatar
    isolde | 4 April 2007 at 10:42 pm #

    el momento 4 chocolato

  9. avatar
    fifi | 4 April 2007 at 11:18 pm #

    mmm, better than chocolate.

    There were lines of triggerfish on the tideline today, I don’t know why.

  10. avatar
    Cee | 4 April 2007 at 11:26 pm #

    …desolation…

  11. avatar
    veleska1970 | 4 April 2007 at 11:41 pm #

    at first i thought that this one left me feeling a little lonely. but then on second reading i realized that i already was anyway.

    “the negation of all feeling”
    exactly.

  12. avatar
    Anonymous | 5 April 2007 at 1:01 am #

    hey, Brien Comerford
    stop picking on Brien Comerford

  13. avatar
    ~ | 5 April 2007 at 1:15 am #

    (friend posting for ~ in 503)

    waiting here
    in the southwest
    so sad so sad not to see

    will still wait
    will send exact change to admin@karmichit
    place of stay determined soon

    will remain until the 7th

    please
    on my knees

    ~

  14. avatar
    kat | 5 April 2007 at 2:14 am #

    nice one killa,

    stranded on the point here

  15. avatar
    ...being here, doing this... | 5 April 2007 at 2:16 am #

    The New Wave of Wisdom

    “gee its nice when its just bumper n me
    shes very affectionate
    and very very charismatic
    complete strangers stop n gasp as she goes by
    i know all parents are proud as punch
    but bumper really has the x-factor in spades”

    nine said…
    hmmmm, you are lazy, no just tired. It is ok to be just a simple happy ordinary person sometimes, we don’t always have these expectations on you
    10:36 AM

    seeing charisma for what it is, enables one to detach from viewing it as an integral part of “self”

    unshackled, one then becomes free to live a simple happy ordinary life, if one so chooses…

    “A common source of spiritual misunderstanding is our confusion of charisma with true wisdom. Certain spiritual leaders possess the ability to evoke extraordinary states. Amplified by our hopes, feelings of bliss and transcendence arise easily around these charismatic ministers, priests, Zen masters, mystics, rabbis, and gurus. It is easy to mistake such spiritual powers as definite signs of wisdom or enlightenment or divine love. We forget that power and charisma are just power and charisma, that these energies can just as easily serve demagogues, politicians and entertainers.

    It is possible for someone to be charismatic but not wise. Conversely, wisdom is not necessarily flashy or powerful – it can manifest in a humble and simple heart, and in the most ordinary-seeming of lives” – Jack Kornfield

  16. avatar
    Symon | 5 April 2007 at 3:02 am #

    don’t know exactly why, but your words and images reminded me instantly of the LOTR – TTT movie and Gandalf’s retelling of the events that befell him when the Balrog pulled him into the abyss from the bridge of khazad-dum in the mines of moria.

    “darkness took me and I strayed out of thought and time

    the stars wealed overhead and everyday was as long as a life age of the Earth

    but it was not the end”

  17. avatar
    Celticat | 5 April 2007 at 8:22 am #

    Steve,

    to you, your family and loved ones I say have a very happy and safe easter.

    To all the TB subscribers I wish you the same.

    Love Celticat, Kate, Rachel & Rhiannon

  18. avatar
    fantasticandy | 5 April 2007 at 9:46 am #

    why are beauty and sadness so closely linked?
    IS there an answer to this?

    they really, really like you in holland don’t they?
    well done!
    andy L.

  19. avatar
    ~ | 5 April 2007 at 11:02 am #

    shocked awake
    from deep sleep
    yanked out of a dream
    about basements
    pics of little sisters?
    I am not in any of those photos
    ask your ace of hearts
    not private eyes
    someone showing me
    what a neat n tidy one
    looked like
    it was white and spacious
    it felt gracious
    I clean mine out
    spring cleansing
    getting rid of cobwebs
    old fears and dirty laundry
    parents that sent me
    to a rapists house
    several times
    I told them in the way a nine year old can
    now I tell them at thirty
    because my dad called in to work
    to follow me down to the redwoods
    I was camping with friends
    he didn’t like
    the truth
    he caused a royal scene
    he loves that
    yesterday he had me paged at the airport
    to meet a police officer at the info desk!
    demanding I tell him my whereabouts
    he said he was “concerned” about me
    as if he ever was
    he threatened to come to AZ
    tall boy finds credit card statements
    that are mine and he has no biz opening
    he calls me dad tells him
    to go and take me back
    cause I’ve surely lost it
    speaking up for myself and the abuse
    drawing lines with a knife
    cruel to be kind to myself
    for a first
    he n tall boy are pals
    they don’t approve of this
    it’s downright uncatholic of me
    ha! I cheerfully suggested we give it up for lent each year
    they just don’t see the funny in that
    I tire of their need for drama
    their fake concern for my welfare
    3 weeks ain’t soon enough
    put it to rest as fast as I could
    days of paperwork
    lawyers shit
    I use nessecary force
    to pry myself away
    from parnets I must have love for but
    can’t like
    they are toxic, sk
    yes I’m still detoxing

    yes your heartbeat still fills the room
    I can feel you but I cannot find you
    I still don’t know where you are at
    waited at the gate until dark
    tho in my heart and head I do
    when I dream
    of bright futures

    ~

  20. avatar
    Music | 5 April 2007 at 11:46 am #

    Everything we are is revealed in our playing

  21. avatar
    restaurant mark | 5 April 2007 at 11:50 am #

    need to soak that one in…

  22. avatar
    Anonymous | 5 April 2007 at 12:06 pm #

    excellent work.

  23. avatar
    Anonymous | 5 April 2007 at 12:57 pm #

    killer,
    this one was really nice, in a gentle moving sort of way. like the babbbling brook that really is the loudest silence.

    deannie and rylan send much love to you.

    love from the deep south.
    peace,
    kf

  24. avatar
    Emily Teechen | 5 April 2007 at 4:16 pm #

    To Christ: sorry it had to be this way. truly…

    To Mary Magdelaine: Put the soup on.
    Time to bring him home soon, time for songs and children.

    Everyone: enjoy your choc/carob eggs,
    chooks and bilbies and bunnies

  25. avatar
    davem | 5 April 2007 at 6:30 pm #

    It’s Easter. If you think about the sacrifice it gives you a choice: accept it’s pain or deny it as an o fits time piece of symbolic imagery..
    I’m no Christian but it’s a powerful message that nailed-to-a-tree thing. Beautiful too.
    Great blog Steve.
    I hope I’d recognise your true essence esskay and would open the door to your knocking ‘cos of the real you and your wonderful spirt and not ‘cos of the Kilbey cloaked Church manifestation.
    I’ve e-mailed the Mag Strip tour poster to all and sundry today. Keep weaving yer spells and showering us with yer magic. It’s glorious!
    Love you more,
    Oh and Happy Easter, whatever that means.
    dave m
    xx

  26. avatar
    ~ | 5 April 2007 at 7:15 pm #

    emily teachin’
    easter reminds me
    of the space held in the triangle
    of faith love trust
    contained within
    Hope
    springs eternal
    Time flows
    like water
    returns to the Source
    sing sing sing sing
    it don’t mean a thing
    if it ain’t got that swing
    not a babbling brooke
    Mary Movie star
    jabber wookies
    soups on she watches the front door
    eternally hope full
    eternally grate full
    if you cool your feet in those waters
    you can watch
    the long long years of who you tried to be

    ~
    washed clean
    and see who you really are

  27. avatar
    nickfiction | 5 April 2007 at 11:12 pm #

    i like the part about the shipwrecks ghosts….

  28. avatar
    Anonymous | 5 April 2007 at 11:26 pm #

    Hijack.

    B.Bon

  29. avatar
    blackboard | 5 April 2007 at 11:43 pm #

    hurry up! hurry up!

  30. avatar
    Anonymous | 6 April 2007 at 2:31 am #

    Well it looks like it’s going to be a “Bad Friday” instead of a Good Friday without a blog from you sk! I guess you must be on holidays like alot of people around the world today.
    Love,
    Amanda

  31. avatar
    fawn | 6 April 2007 at 3:02 am #

    One of my dance students arrived last night looking a little miserable and told me she was on a fast for Easter(Greek Orthodox). I asked how she was going to dance if she’s just been drinking water for days. “Oh, no, I’m eating- but no meat or dairy”.
    So Steve and fellow vegans- it seems we’re on a permanent fast! Funny, I don’t feel like I’m sacrificing anything.

    Happy Easter everyone(whatever it means to you)

  32. avatar
    jJ | 6 April 2007 at 3:38 am #

    This managed to tap into my carefully-hidden personae, the one i keep concealed, but emerges whenever i’m off in the mountains alone, in solitude with my thoughts. Melancholic, yes….but strangely beautiful. “Strange beautiful” echoing through Third Stone from the Sun playing in the recesses of my mind an memory.

    A connection. One of many.

  33. avatar
    Anonymous | 6 April 2007 at 3:41 am #

    Glad to hear you were safe the other day. Nature is pretty unpredictable. Have fun in Europe looking forward to the new cd.

    steve in florida

  34. avatar
    ~ | 6 April 2007 at 4:15 am #

    any chance
    the post w/the number
    can be removed?
    the hounds of hell
    are hunting
    rabid and foaming at the mouth
    I just got my rabies vaccine
    but they’re a pack of diseased dogs
    keep those mutts away from me
    I don’t find that stuff amusing any more

    Love,

    ~

  35. avatar
    Anonymous | 6 April 2007 at 4:21 am #

    “Savin’ all your
    food stamps and
    burnin’ down the
    trailer park

    Yo. cut it”

  36. avatar
    Anonymous | 6 April 2007 at 4:22 am #


    ..
    ….
    ..
    things
    are
    gonna
    change

    ..
    ..

    i can
    feel it

  37. avatar
    christian escherbach | 6 April 2007 at 4:38 am #

    Deeply felt.

  38. avatar
    Krissythegroupie | 6 April 2007 at 7:46 pm #

    But I thought Easter was about bunnies and candy! You grump!..just kidding, I’m freakin’ Catholic.

  39. avatar
    Anonymous | 7 April 2007 at 6:43 am #

    I’m anonymous because I don’t have the balls to give my name. I’m the one who burns and burns on your blogge spot from time to time. I’ve burned with my unhaveable object of desire, that is to say that we’ve stabbed our respective families in the heart without them knowing it. Ah fuck, the remorse and guilt but if he turns around and directs his desire at me again I don’t think I could say no. I don’t need to go to hell, I’m already there….


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