posted on May 3, 2008 at 6:49 am

madness threatens me
i know it
i court it
but it cannot take hold
deep inside me
cold stone sober
someone waking up in my memory
someone strong someone good
someone from the olde days
when things were much easier
in a world of pain
my hero incubates numb
he will assume his cloak of deepest dignity
he will guide me forwards
he will see thru my eyes
he will speak in my voice
he will sing my songs in a new loving way
he will show me my path
where is he?
who i was and who i am to be
a real hu-man
i, man who mediates between god and nature
i, man compassionate and resilient
i, man no longer a savage
capable of making right choices
a real clint eastwards
a real matty clyde
dauntless gaunt gun slingin’ sages and wisemen wiseguys
guys who just do it
they dont talk
they dont doubt
they dont second guess every thing
the guys the ladies all love
the guys the children all trust
the guys who take care of business
righteousness and mercy
grace and perseverance
ascetic who disdains luxury
committed to dharma
strong in non violence
except when the evil monsters must be slain
monsters of cowardice and greed and presumption
men addicted to food
weaklings dominated by their bellies and wine
laziness and sloth
vanity must be conquered
spiritual pride will be your undoing
a man must fight to be good
a man must make informed decisions
a man must avoid ignorant companions
a man should have a template
what would christ do?
what would buddha say?
a man must have perspective
a man must learn to listen
a man should love his woman with all his heart
a man must believe in something
i call forth this man who i am not yet
can you change change change at will?
nonetheless i impatiently await him
wherever he is
bubbling under in deep amnesia
i summon him to the surface
i stand in asanas and i feel him stir somewhere
in the power and glory of rock music i ask for response
i look for him in the passage of pastel over paper
i scan the mirror
but he has not arrived
how do you face a void?
with courage
like matt…
a lot of emptiness for people to get thru now
a lot of nothing
a lot of empty pages and empty chairs
we ache for the very thing we cant have
our minds understand but the heart rebels
why dont you, god, rush in to fill this emptiness?
oh god, why is it so hard to find you?
god, i have so many complaints against this world
it could have been paradise
is this then free will?
can i blame thee for the evil that men do?
god why did matt die so soon and like that?
what could have been done or was it ever his fate?
oh god, i beg you for a quick release for myself
you know most of all
i do not have that mans fortitude
his burden was agony yet he bore it with style and smile
his struggle has enriched me beyond even his belief
i am truly humbled
oh and it feels so good
my friend has vanished
but his humanity remains
his big spirit his big heart
this i want
this i covet
can it only be obtained by deep suffering?
then this price is too great…
no wait….
but why must it be so?
so our soul becomes refined
is the suffering necessary to blast away the dross?
good god, we are still your children
please alleviate us of pain and grief
who was this man who passed through our midst?
a bodhisatva
man of joy and sorrows
you should be proud anyway
this world hurled everything it had and he shrugged
he was connected to something i doubt he could name
my brother says he made a conscious decision to be that way
but i never would have guessed it
sometimes i despair for men
and then men come along like that matt
and then suddenly you realise
but as usual for me
too late
to late
they already shut the gate
you realise your memories of him
that you retained so casually
were nuggets of gold waiting to be discovered
you go back in time
all the times you saw him
how was it you never quite realised that he was…..
something else…
something else again
why dont men of this calibre lead us?
matty would never have bombed civilians or refused asylum
god how sad that the good guys are so rarely in charge
do we need evil so good can exist?
matty was a needle in a haystack
he was a silver lining
he was hope in human flesh
and this was his reward?
there is much in this for me to learn
but i resent it being at the price of a mans life
if you did not intervene then why…..?
but of course
that is none of my business
it is between you and him…
he probably already knows by now
we who grieve for him
while he roams free and splendid
he certainly surprised my jaded sensibilities
beyond new age dribble
beyond fashion or society
beyond any religion or doctrine
beyond despair almost
the man simply just was
he just was good
he was born good and he got better
listen to me now
oh ive met clever men
ive met talented charismatic men
ive met iggy pop and ive met tom verlaine
ive met geniuses and oddballs
ive met great musicians and cool friends
ive met rich guys with tons of cocaine
ive met promoters and writers and film makers
ive met guys i liked n disliked
but hardly ever
did i meet anyone really good
good doesnt really announce itself that much
or dress up in fancy colours
it so subtle in this chaos of living
maybe i only ever see it once it has permanently passed
maybe that is real goodness though
a seed planted
the seed itself is destroyed by the tree
the tree becomes strong and bears delicious fruit
virtue as its own reward
your own high standard
a rigourous examination of your accounts
dont remain in shadow
look inwards and wonder
let go let go let go
courage the heart of a lion
non attachment the size of ancient india
even-handessness…steady as she goes
be prepared to say goodbye to any or everything
its gonna happen so you better get ready
cheerfulness is not just an act
we should act optimistically because its simply better that way
the philosophy of the pre-emptive strike
is a self fulfilling prophecy of misery
we should let each other be
work on yourself
change yourself…not others
oh you will fail and fail and fail
i do
but now i try
i try to do what i can
whatever i do
i could never be as good as the real good guys
but i can try
keep trying until the inevitable end
thats life really
in a nutshell
sooner or later your boat will sink
you hope its later
but later aint never
george sang about it in “the art of dying”
nothing in this world that ive been trying
can equal or surpass the art of dying
now he knows for sure and matt too
one day we all will
as it should and apparently must be
it is a paradox that matts agonizing death
points a way towards living a better life
yet the fact remains….
hey matty
its true
upstairs is very pleased with your work

16 Responses to “last thoughts on mc”

  1. avatar
    craig1.618 | 3 May 2008 at 9:33 am #

    my body…….this vessel…..may fail me

    but my soul… essence… eternal

    we are forever

    vehicles of motion

    expanding and experiencing

    the joy of the continuos unfoldment

    of the creation

  2. avatar
    fantasticandy | 3 May 2008 at 9:59 am #

    by gum!
    i don’t know if even hammill himself could have written something as good as this.
    are you familliar with man-erg?
    i thought lyricaly it was unbeatable….i’m not so sure now.

    what a phenomenal insight into your inner-self.
    so heart-felt.
    you have gradually become my favourite writer ever.
    your star is on the ascendancy mr. kilbey……..
    ….and i came here coz i liked your music!

    renaisance manne indeed.

    …and still not too po-faced to enjoy iron man!
    andy L.

  3. avatar
    veleska1970 | 3 May 2008 at 10:47 am #

    i’m sorry you’re hurting, steve. you’ve written a very touching and deeply sweet ode to matty.

    i pulled up his obit and read it.
    “A friend among friends.
    Always ‘Lovin’ Life!'”
    he was one of those rare gems of a person. you are blessed to have known him.

    love and peace to your aching heart, steve.

  4. avatar
    mahatma kane jeeves | 3 May 2008 at 10:47 am #

    fantastic words, inspiring.

  5. avatar
    tim | 3 May 2008 at 12:07 pm #

    beautifully stated, you are right we need to start with ourselves. sometimes we worry too much about what is beyond our control and where the real progress is made is within ourselves…you are determined it seems to be sure that this mans death not be in vain, that something come from it. it is so true that it seems that there are very few “good people” out there…my wife i can say is one, she is like a saint, she is not vain, she always puts other before herself…whether its her kids or neighbours kids, kids at school who have very little…random acts of kindness are routine for her. but you are also correct in that we don’t really notice it. I will work on me, every chance I get. I will try to be non-judgemental, to always be there for my children and family and friends and nuture my own soul and educate my mind….the battle, the revolution inside must go on.
    thanks for the blog mr. k.

  6. avatar
    salim nourallah | 3 May 2008 at 5:31 pm #

    today another candle on the cake for me. i read your words this morning and they’re deep and pure steve. i appreciate the love and thought you’ve put into everything you’ve written here. your music greatly affected me as a youth – your words here and now as as adult. you’re wise beyond your years and a good soul too. thank you for sharing your heart with all of us. you’re a very special bloke! with love – salim

  7. avatar
    Queen Hatshepsut | 3 May 2008 at 7:22 pm #

    Very heartfelt – you expose yourself, you are raw, you are human and I think we all appreciate that greatly. I am moved by your words, your thoughts, and am moved to reflect upon what I can do to better myself, better the world around me.

    You examine and re-examine yourself again and again – surely the sign of not only a highly self-aware man but also a man willing to accept brutal honesty – and hopefully also willing to accept praise for your successes, for pushing others to examine themselves, to question, to not accept the status quo, to become more enlightened, to become more compassionate, to become authentic and true and truly human. Thank you Steven, for the gift of yourself.
    Peace to you.
    love always,

  8. avatar
    Brien Comerford | 3 May 2008 at 7:31 pm #

    Another inspiring and spiritual blog verifying Sk’s incredible literary gift, compassion in action life and profound emotional IQ replete with both pathos and hope.

    Guys like Matt perish young and people like Robert Mugabe live forever.

  9. avatar
    mahatma kane jeeves | 3 May 2008 at 8:00 pm #

    just read that again – already commented briefly but what you have written about your friend is so rare that I, sat on the other side of the world from you and your life with all its joy and pain, am very touched by what you are saying. its like a blueprint on how to be a better man and I hope I can take some of the idea of what you have written and apply it to my own life and conduct.

  10. avatar
    davem | 3 May 2008 at 8:37 pm #

    Steve, you’ve written so many inspiring things but that was just stunning.
    In a world of greed and lust that was something to aspire to.
    Your humble servant,


  11. avatar
    verdelay | 3 May 2008 at 8:54 pm #

    good doesnt really announce itself that much
    or dress up in fancy colours
    it so subtle in this chaos of living

    Quite right, too. It’s like the very air we breathe – invisible but for the obvious continuing miracle of each breath.

    So too with the goodness and love in people – it’s all around us and all too obvious; we just don’t see it all the time, but occasionally we notice it is there. It takes effort to perceive, and we don’t much like to make an effort.

    No, we only tend to notice the air when it’s discoloured and fouled by noxious miasmas. And there are plenty of noxious people around to distract our attention from the Love.


  12. avatar
    lily was here | 4 May 2008 at 1:33 am #

    The good guys ARE in charge – in charge of who they are. They arent trying to be anything else.

    Heartfelt writing Steve! Its been pretty sad reading about your friend Matt C. All the best to you and John. My siblings friends became brothers and sisters as well, they evolve into your family as a deep part of it, i feel your sorrow.

    ps I cant think of Iron Man without thinking of Black Sabbath! Interesting story there. I just always assumed it was about the same character.

  13. avatar
    MEM | 4 May 2008 at 2:40 am #

    “Good now and forever
    music reaches and awakens…”

    i can’t help but
    think how these words
    have been with me
    through the years

    how they bind
    together all experience
    of a lifetime

    how they continue
    to reach us

    your heart
    is open

    your words do great justice

    thank you
    for them.

    Dream of now
    and forever good.

  14. avatar
    matt davison | 4 May 2008 at 3:45 am #

    with grace we will suffer.

    I feel the pain,

    I am the other Matty

    “alive” I think…..anyway

    not so much a good man as a real man myself, Could I ask for this great soul to pass me the baton… the gift of Love

    Unknown Matt to Matt…

    I really feel this man and his once lived world

    I imagine Sk you’re spirit moved in powerful ways by this simple man of greatness…….

    I feel an aweful ache

    God Bless


  15. avatar
    Hellbound Heart | 4 May 2008 at 4:27 am #

    the human condition…being tragically flawed and yet aspiring to goodness…some flaws are conscious, the great and small sins we commit and some are part of our humanity…what’s also tragic is that others willfully spurn goodness…at the end, i suppose, all we can hope for is that the kindnesses we do somehow balance out out human frailties…
    my thoughts are with you at this tough time…
    love always…

  16. avatar
    golden thorn in my paw | 4 May 2008 at 7:30 am #

    god bless

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