posted on October 22, 2006 at 7:03 am

once a ponna time
there lived a lovely little blogg called
bloggsy
one day his mother said take this space cake to granny blogg
who lives in yonder concrete jungle
but dont stop n talk to the wolves
well bloggsy never listened , did he?
as soon as he found the first wolf he stopped and talked to it
course the wolf didnt say much at first….
mmm he wanted to gobble down bloggsys space cake
there were not only wolves but hyaenas n goats
and everyone leered n pawed little bloggsy
someone nibbled at his archives
another dribbled n drooled on his sitemeter
some of the animals fondled his adjectival clauses
and bloggsy was very scared
he met some “straights” in a dark alley
“what have we here boys? a young blogge….? “said the biggest “straight”
bloggsy made a dash for it
scattering red herrings behind him as he ran
the “straights” stopped to gather them
and our brave little blogge got away jus’ fine
he could still hear them baying in the distance
as he panted down the main road
a po-liceman stopped him
“where are you off to, young blogge?”
he asked
“and whats this cakey you got here?”
the po-liceman snuffled at the cake with his snoutish whiskers
“and just who might your grandmother be?”
bloggsy didnae wanna get his granny busted
he snatched the cake from the po-liceman
and stuffed it down his throat in no time flat
suddenly nevets yeblik appeared
dressed up as sk
only playing me instead
and his muse was there
and the doodles
and the baby
then granny appeared
n said
wheres my effing cake, well?
and everyone laughed
cos bloggsy was sitting in a corner
listening to dark side of the moon
and looking at his hands
daddy blogge appeared
and all the littlies cheered
when he pulled out his guitar
and sang them a happy blogging song
one by popul vuh
and one by one
all the commenters
appeared
in a long line
of hundreds n hundreds
to shake little bloggys hand
bloggy, this is eek
bloggy, this is veleska
bloggy this is b bon
bloggy this is john garratt, be nice to him….
etc etc etc
all down the line
bloggy, this is anonymouse
bloggy this anonymouse too
etc etc etc
and then granny
asked for a second time
“i said wheres my effing cake you lot?!”
and we all laughed all over again
and aslan appeared
and said
“let granny have her effing cake then”
and we all cheered
and granny found a great big spacecake in her hand
and aslan winked at us n said
“childe, that cakes gonna blow the old bints knickers off!”
and then i noticed someone not laughing or having a good time
off by himself
was he faun or a saytyr?
no the thing said
i am steve kilbeys integrity and this blog is the last straw
then aslan gave a mighty roar and said
“steve kilbeys integrity come forward”
and it did
slowly before aslans majestic gaze
and everyone cheered n whistled
and one of the giants grumbled
“ere, whats all this then?”
and then everybody laughed again n went shush shush
aslans about to speak
and aslan looked at steve kilbeys integrity
and there was a big tear in his eye
and he said
“speak childe, what is it your heart desires”
the thing spoke up
“money, aslan…n plenty of it if your majesty pleases”
and we all looked up in amazement
a big fat dirty record exec appeared and said
behold, the royalties that were wrongly withheld
and the sky was suddenly grreen with thousand dollar bills
which floated gently to earth gracefully
steve kilbeys integrity was sent back to its own boring world
clutching deleriously at all the cash it could carry
“the poor thing” said aslan
“it could never live here in banarnia”
the little blogge became the happiest blogge ever
wow he said
thats so cool
and aslan said
“did any of you other cats read that pot helps against alzheimers?’
really i said..,.where did you read that?
“i forgot ” said the lion
and everyone laughed n laughed n laughed

30 Responses to “little red blogging hood”

  1. avatar
    fantasticandy | 22 October 2006 at 8:17 am #

    banania! best blog yet.

  2. avatar
    Fireseed | 22 October 2006 at 9:02 am #

    hi sevent

    enter taint us you shall!

    a quest-yon phew…

    view god a fay fur writ git are cord?

    luv

    f***seed

  3. avatar
    damien | 22 October 2006 at 10:37 am #

    Steve, I was thinking about your place in the rock pantheon last night. Let’s take you and oh, I dunno, Gene Simmons, as two polar opposites in this equation.

    He’s got heaps of cash but little to no integrity. You’ve got all the integrity and “cred” any rock musician could want. . . .

    It seems to me that in your career you have eschewed the cash for the cred.

    Your thoughts on this? Yes, the quality of your art is its own reward but if a tree falls in the forest and no one’s there to hear it. . . . . .

  4. avatar
    Melquiades | 22 October 2006 at 11:27 am #

    Oh Brother you are so grim.

    more, more….

  5. avatar
    Anonymous | 22 October 2006 at 12:23 pm #

    I say keep the cash…spacecakes are so pricey. Delicious indeed, but oh so pricey. Stay away from the SpaceTwinkies tho…cheap rip off and many bad things inside.

    Rob

    PS…banania is a cool word.

  6. avatar
    Andromeda7 | 22 October 2006 at 12:34 pm #

    right now i know that you have gone absolutely, finally and utterly barking, frothing, gaggingly MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD

  7. avatar
    the pissenger | 22 October 2006 at 12:36 pm #

    how much do you get if you sell your cred just after john howard has said that you can cross-own cred in many many areas ie blogging, songwriting, acting w terry stampo n jools christie, playing bass and guitar and kleybaord and singing??????????????

  8. avatar
    public savant | 22 October 2006 at 1:40 pm #

    ‘twas canberra that did it to you nuncle
    i’m sure of it
    the nation’s crapital
    its strange circling paths
    like a restless childhood dream
    like a listless childhood game
    a real life maze in mid-spring haze
    do actual things happen there?
    like bully-high and taxi-driver blues
    and nascent rockstar blooms?
    the girl who brought me my gado gado
    seemed to be suffering
    but i find it hard to believe
    and even though i splashed my good shirt
    when a cube of tofu spun into the well-planned air
    in toytown i didn’t care
    just like noddy
    couldn’t really give a rat’s arse about big-ears
    wouldn’t piss on him
    if that’s what he was into
    so what did i do?
    i thought of you nuncle
    and i wagged a big important meeting
    a real symposium of sycophants
    to which i’d been flown
    for which i’d been accommodated
    in the style to which the strine tackspayer
    has become accustomed
    (yeah tell it to your local member
    while you’re at it
    mention the family first mascot
    a big uncoordinated bear who believes in jeesus
    who wants to be jeesus
    who scared the bejeesus outta my 1 year old
    when he sprang out at us
    from the local agricultural show throng
    my little z-girl almost leapt outta my arms
    dug her tiny fingernail crescents into my neck
    don’t worry baybee, i crooned
    that’s just a christian soldier in an animal suit
    trying to find an outlet
    i won’t let you near him…
    since when did political parties spruik
    amidst the breeding mishaps
    in sideshow alley?)
    so i did a bunk
    diarrhoea, said my good friend
    with whom i would spend the day
    who kindly put me up
    so i could pocket the TA
    the runs, my friend, are failproof
    people, they don’t wanna know
    they’re just glad you’re there
    and not here
    they wanna forget about it the minute it’s mentioned
    (so whay can’t i forget
    the elderly italian gent
    whose lazy sphincter
    i managed for a time
    i kid you not
    but i spose i have to admit
    i gave him free rein
    to go the fuck away
    at great cost to the strine tackspayer)
    so what do i do?
    i go all exotic, all unprecedented
    extreme sinus pain
    not looking forward to flying
    moans our beleagured young executive genius
    musta been the nasty old airbus that did it
    in the first place
    i skip off stage
    into the glittering cranberry day
    27 degrees & zephyrs
    cloudless
    meanwhile
    unbeknownst
    national transport is being tipped upside down
    and shaken
    in the search for a land option
    to bring back our grounded boy
    trains
    buses
    cars
    hansom cabs
    anything that will keep those precious chambers
    stable
    and free from excruciation
    i first learn of this rescue mission
    halfway through my eggs florentine
    in a very cool place in toytown west
    kingston
    when my accursed phoney goes spastic on my thigh
    i let it ring and ring
    or shake and shake
    until there’s a telex room of noise on my voicemail
    and then i wander through yon afforested streets
    & quickly find a payphone
    in perfect working order (?)
    i tell the folks back home
    please don’t fret
    i’ve taken a sackful of things from the chemist
    i’m feelin a little better
    i’ll lay low then fly high
    and i’ll cop whatever the gods bring me
    on the in-flight snack trolley
    i’ll be back before you know it
    and if i’m not
    well
    tell my wife
    tell my kiddies
    and then i’m released
    into petrified streetscapes
    monumental curbsides
    memorial give-way signs
    the first thing we do is goof off
    at old parliament house
    like a coupla schoolkids
    we reenact gough’s big speech
    we check out the bidet
    in the pm’s quarters
    hawkey woulda called it a bum-wash
    gough, i dunno
    “Well may you say, bidet…”
    for foreign dignitaries, we guessed
    to regain their dignity
    paul woulda known what to do
    we get stalked by a tour guide
    and spooked by the windowlessness
    the echoes of demur
    the scent of now insignificant coups
    and poorly digested lamb roast
    we repair to the new place
    with its great metal spire
    trying hard not to be the phallus
    it knows itself to be
    or the lamppost
    beyond the coats in you-know-where
    the grass is luscious
    in this time of drought
    and covers the whole shebang
    so we alert but don’t alarm security
    by flicking off our footwear
    and conducting a sprint race to the top
    and i win by a fucking mile
    but i almost spew like a swimmer
    with a throat full of lactic acid
    but it’s worth it
    to think of all the mother fuckers
    50 metres below
    running the country
    and dreaming of summer break
    cranberry you did this to me
    you made me do these things
    and many others besides
    but i would’ve traded it all
    the leonard pitch & putt
    the penfolds 389
    the nubile graduates sprawled
    in every open space
    planning their next move
    or at least their next waxing
    i would gladly have foregone
    in return for a pilgrimage to your canborough
    nuncle
    you should consider that kind of tour
    where you take busloads of str8s
    masquerading as bohemians
    show em the record bar
    the pool
    the space between the houses
    chastise the talky fuckers in the back seat
    joyce could dummy up a space
    call it your preserved sanctum
    i’d pay
    i really would
    all my TA

    but i think i’ve been there already
    in the liner notes
    to remindlessness

  9. avatar
    Anonymous | 22 October 2006 at 2:14 pm #

    meece have feelings too.

  10. avatar
    restaurant mark | 22 October 2006 at 2:47 pm #

    great way to start the day steve!!! you have such wit…banarnia, priceless! thanks man.
    tired still…up recording some pretty spacey, cool stuff last night. think you’d dig it. take care.

  11. avatar
    Krissythegroupie | 22 October 2006 at 2:57 pm #

    That was adorable. Yours is the little blog that could!

  12. avatar
    Brian | 22 October 2006 at 3:11 pm #

    Banarnia..fantastic 🙂 I laughed all the way through this…but is your integrity really such a dour fellow?

    Thanks for chuckle, I really needed it today.

  13. avatar
    lorrain | 22 October 2006 at 4:00 pm #

    fellow wanderer and fiends,

    “aaah this is all too much”
    would say tom cruse, searching for a contract, and rushing, butt naked, to have a piss after drinking choco milk in banana country while reading cs lewis tales !
    willow will ask beautiful ingela c sunnerdahl if she ever reed eddings too, before woody rings, now she works as a botanist in sweden, with children

    amazed by the toto effect on your all encompassing story

  14. avatar
    Melquiades | 22 October 2006 at 4:39 pm #

    just wanted to fire this one off (not related to Mr. K’s blog)

    I am in the midst of relocating, moving into a new place and I just put on Forget Yourself (previously listening to Flaming Lips, At War With The Mystics – minus the first two track – horrid, prior prior Methdrone from the Brian Jonestown) and I felt this renewed lift in my mood when Sealine pulsed through my speakers. Ahhhhh, this is good shit, man…

    Well, back to moving but just wanted to share.

    Keep it up man. i love you.

  15. avatar
    JJ | 22 October 2006 at 4:39 pm #

    I’m still laughing at this wonderful fariy tale – the copper needs to squeeze fat record company exec like the pimple that he is to release the royalties rather than sniff the space cake. You have credibility in spades, but it doesnae pay the bills, I’m sure.

    Kinda worried about Alzheimers…..excuse me while I seek the theraputic benefits of my appalatian herbal treatments.

    Funniest blogge yet…..

    JJ

  16. avatar
    matthew | 22 October 2006 at 4:50 pm #

    awwesome essqué… so nice to see Aslan appear, at last… but i can’t believe i never thought of ‘Banarnia’… where does that leave my integrity? (very fookin funny anyway!)

  17. avatar
    Anonymous | 22 October 2006 at 5:09 pm #

    I can’t lift another finger
    The drone of my speaker has succumb me
    to it’s laguid, lazy, weighted thumb

    I think a nap is in order.

  18. avatar
    veleska1970 | 22 October 2006 at 5:43 pm #

    HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!! you are such a riot, steve. thanks for the laugh. it was surely needed today. and what a coincidence~~i’ve had my grandmother (my mom’s mom) on my mind for the last few days….she died 5 years ago and it was from alzheimer’s. horrible, horrible disease.

    so steve kilbey’s integrity is not having a laugh? well give him some spacecake, then. sure, money’s good, but if the spacecake is THAT good, maybe he needs some of that, too.

    lotza love…..

  19. avatar
    ambnt1 | 22 October 2006 at 5:52 pm #

    And then THE TIME BEING came on the scene. One by one, all the characters disintegrated into thin air–the “straights,” granny, wolvies, Bloggsy, Nevets Yeblik, leaving only Steven Kilbey standing quivering before him. “Steven,” said the Time Being, “Have I not warned you of the dangers of the Space Cakes and other mind altering substances? This silliness disappoints me. All that integrity flushed down the toilet for some cheap joke. Now get back to your yoga and have a swim before I materialize into a really scary looking fucking alien and suck your brain out.” And the Time Being laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed, and Steven Kilbey laughed (a nervous little laugh) too. The end.

    –Chris

    n.p. John Foxx, “Cathedral Oceans”

  20. avatar
    Altres | 22 October 2006 at 6:25 pm #

    Great blog Steve, very, very funny. Heh

  21. avatar
    Melquiades | 22 October 2006 at 7:47 pm #

    I’ll have what he’ s smoking

  22. avatar
    Melquiades | 22 October 2006 at 7:59 pm #

    I’m back. come check me out.

  23. avatar
    CAPTAIN BEYOND | 22 October 2006 at 9:53 pm #

    thanks for your fairy tale, me just was telling me mommy bout pot and its’ cures, she will never understand me and you, never…
    mjnjr

  24. avatar
    Anonymous | 22 October 2006 at 10:07 pm #

    Hey,nice blog!!! I found a place where you can make an extra $800 or more a month. I do it part time and make a lot more than that. It is definitely worth a visit! You can do it in your spare time and make good cash. Make Extra Cash

  25. avatar
    stealthblue | 23 October 2006 at 12:43 am #

    God…a little late reading this, but I just thought I would say it anyway…This was the funniest thing I have ever read I think so far!! Later, gater…
    BV

  26. avatar
    CSTCoach | 23 October 2006 at 4:09 pm #

    good one 🙂

    hope your integrity gets its wish too, bags and bags of cash. Long overdue.

    ryan

  27. avatar
    Colour of Lorraine | 23 October 2006 at 9:18 pm #

    “little red blogging hood”

    SUBTLE & LOVELY !

    Malika

  28. avatar
    tiny baby so naive | 24 October 2006 at 12:19 am #

    Hey Malika,
    U See, angela Carter and nothing else, made U drop comments from the moon !
    Red riding hood is also a song by prince on a crucial unrelease, in which he longed to have a talk with her…
    the wolf had already left the forest, probably the planet by now, as we all know, said Connor McLeod at the helm
    thanks to U for all your beautiful letters n small pieces of moon
    Love anyway, at mach scott

  29. avatar
    lorrain | 24 October 2006 at 1:10 am #

    dear Ones,
    Passengers went down the drain, but i am sure brian has a lot in store for me. I have just shoutcasted with vlc, scanned ambient, and found namlook inoue laswell on http://70.85.72.122:8062 wow i really felt a feeling of elation and ascension, my being being soothed and transported. tones carefully equalized, incredible good stuff, n better than other ambient, ah those tron wizards. I had catched glimpses before, but i rejoice thinking of what’s in space.
    yeah, a gilt shower, thanx to walter becker’s grooviness
    happy to be mad in universe

  30. avatar
    eek | 24 October 2006 at 8:47 am #

    bloggy, this is eek

    Great to meet you little bloggy! Now my dear little bloggy, be a good little one and lead me to the spacecake stash. That’s right dearie, you can trust me. I’m your new best buddy after all.

    😉


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