posted on February 3, 2009 at 8:16 pm

… the bullets hit me in the heart
it is a shocking pain
i am thrown backwards
my eyesight grows dim almost immediately
confused thoughts n memories rush into my head
in truth
i have often longed for death
not the pain n fear
but the cancellation
the nulling n voiding
the wiping clean of the slate
the great zeroising
the rest n reset
the big sleep
i want to merge into blackness
have no more cares n concerns
this whole damn world hanging round my neck
i have wanted off so many times
sometimes i have seen death
like the extinguishment of a flame
one simply ceases to be
blown out
gone daddy gone
now your life is gone
no more bills arguments noise cruelty pain humiliation
no more responsibilities
no more expectations
no more nothing really
but in your real real heart
you know
you know
it aint gonna be like that
you may obtain a little rest
you may get a little respite
hell
everyone deserves that
even whoever the “you” i am addressing here..
whoever the “i” is or am…
the bullets have done their gig well
and i’m dying
look
i’m frightened
i’m struggling
i’m bleeding like a dog
then
then
then
what is it?
ssshhh!
i’m trying to put this into words…
ok….
i leave this all behind
the execution
the men
the small dirty yard where i was shot
the city where i was held
suddenly what does it matter…..?
why should i care about anything
and then i rest
i rest out there
in here
deep in here
far out there
far out in out
deep rest
while i rest
i am aware
who is i?
i is the awareness remaining
i is the finger who types
i is the you i share with you
the me in me
that makes me want to reach the you in you
i is the eternal
blissful sleep
sacred slumber
i wash the years from my face
i wash that kilbey right out of my hair
no ones son or father
no man nor woman
no ghost or angel
i simply am
i am iam iam i am
my doing is all done
now i am
am what ? says a voice from another room
i am i am …i reply to myself
i am the thought
this is delicious
this feeling of “i” ness
detached unlocated anywhere
no more agendas
no more trips
no more sleight of hand
no more ambition
endless peace
no
not endless
says another voice
from another room
agitation begins subtly
your calm begins to fracture
why was it ever thus?
you
(now its you not i, thank god)
you
yes you
yes YOU
who do you think i was talking to?
YOU YOU YOU YOU N YOU
all of you
all of those yous
you wanna have another go
you wanna have another shot
you said
hang on a minute
maybe i will give life another try
but the struggle the pain the fear i say
no no no
you say
i will give life another try
maybe it…
maybe it wasnt so bad after all
maybe it was ……
JESUS now!
why did you wanna do that?

24 Responses to “lost day 3”

  1. avatar
    Hellbound Heart | 3 February 2009 at 9:21 pm #

    …dunno steve, when you see people that you know with terminal illnesses hang onto life with everything they have left, even down to their last breaths, makes you think that life is worth hanging onto even if it does have its plusses and minuses…
    love always…..

  2. avatar
    Brien Comerford | 3 February 2009 at 9:26 pm #

    Kilbey the admirer of Vishnu will now be in the hands of Shiva the God of destruction and regeneration.

  3. avatar
    veleska1970 | 3 February 2009 at 9:50 pm #

    i’m a believer in reincarnation. i don’t know why, but i do believe we’ve been here before and will be again. it seems to be such a waste to just disappear, huh?

    lotza love…..

  4. avatar
    Thomas Thomsen, Denmark | 3 February 2009 at 10:10 pm #

    Frank Sinatra:
    “You gotta love livin’, baby, ’cause dyin’ is a pain in the ass.”

    Now, that statement may seem simplified, but it really is that simple, isn’t it? There are no other options, no alternatives.

    I believe that once I’m dead, I’ll be dead for all eternity, so I’m doing my very best to enjoy life.

  5. avatar
    Abbey Road | 3 February 2009 at 10:11 pm #

    early morning crossings over the zebra in single file/piles,featuring silly walks n strides,turning to the beaches after wild nights out.Live fast,die young,eat lots of pizza,n leave a beautiful corpse…mellows from a vampyra existence,to a love of pumpkin soup,soft cushions,aromas from heavenly places,and the love of sunrises without the weariness of self distinguishing lifestyles.There is such beauty in being old enough to be “allowed”to be wise and mellowed.there is a beauty in everything,if only we look hard enough…Tears of joy,being my favourite tears of all.when nostalgia is a soft cloud of gentle movies,running through our minds,and the smells of past seasons in heaven or in hell.”being old enough to realise that no-one had a perfect childhood,but no matter,..it was a long time ago ,now,and can no longer hurt you”.there are things that need to be done,n one can always nominate ones self for the pleasures…or one can fade selfishly,n unsatisfyingly into nothingness’…there is beauty in pain,as well as in bliss.everything is always beautiful.we are blessed with the gifts of the living,being a life of experience.something that the dead must crave,and would die for,all over again,to have the chance to feel.magic happens.shit happens too!..but mostly magic happens,n its the magic that makes it all worthwhile.love is what matters…love is all that matters .xo 🙂

  6. avatar
    Anonymous | 3 February 2009 at 10:23 pm #

    Slightly off ‘blog’ topic; but did anyone in Melbourne read the street press this morning…??? Release dates for Coffee Hounds etc were in Beat this morning…and the new Crunch album will be called “Untitled #23″…

    Tell us more Killer.

    Olde Amps
    x

  7. avatar
    Shadrac Blintz | 3 February 2009 at 10:42 pm #

    bring it on
    I think
    and
    now
    it
    comes
    and

    that

    was

    it

  8. avatar
    EDD | 3 February 2009 at 11:09 pm #

    The Royal we, you know? The editiorial? New shit has come to light.

  9. avatar
    EDD | 3 February 2009 at 11:10 pm #

    “zeroising”?

  10. avatar
    Cee | 3 February 2009 at 11:20 pm #

    I like talking a walk on this secret pathway.

  11. avatar
    Anonymous | 3 February 2009 at 11:39 pm #

    AAahhhH the ups and downs of the creative mind – all that creativity has a cost sometimes Steve, but then comes the new dawn..I can hear the birds start to sing as the sun rises over the horizon..

  12. avatar
    loolaabillions | 4 February 2009 at 12:00 am #

    its funny how everyone runs around thinking i wont be here to see this or that in years to come.
    deep down in my heart of hearts i know we will though in some shape or another…
    of course no memory
    earth= heaven and hell
    we just is…is is. x

  13. avatar
    markobears | 4 February 2009 at 12:38 am #

    I cant wait to hear what someone whos been cryogenically frozen for years has to say. Im very afraid of death.

  14. avatar
    sanfoin | 4 February 2009 at 12:39 am #

    Art thou still here? Prithee remain with us a few days more. . .

  15. avatar
    Anonymous | 4 February 2009 at 1:17 am #

    i’m not afraid of dying,i’m just afraid of it happening when i have something great to look forward to!

    Gareth,Notts

  16. avatar
    captain mission | 4 February 2009 at 8:15 am #

    it’s funny how we are all scared of death, yet we have all had so much practise, we just forgot/ forget.
    personally i love life, especially the smell of girls, the musical interludes that trancend and the unexpected bits like this afternoon when some lady i never met before bought me a coffee and said i didn’t owe her anything as long as i did something kind to someone else today. i like the powerful amazonian plant intelligences you meet on your travels, i like the animmals and the art and when you meet your fave musician in the whole world and he turns out to be a brilliant human being as well as an inspirational artist, they are the good bits. but there’s a hell of a lot of pain, hurt and tears man, to much sometimes. so maybe the yin yang thing makes perfect sence and it’s finding some sort of simple inner harmony somewhere so when that bullet hits we can smile and go into the next world laughing.i’m sure god would like to recieve us smiling and happy to be home rather than complaining about the travel arrangements.

    such brilliant writing today steve on a theme so close to my heart. it’s only human to consider death as part of living and the sooner we come to terms with it the more we can live free from fear.

    dead man dude. lets paint our faces.

  17. avatar
    Hellbound Heart | 4 February 2009 at 10:00 am #

    YEAH TELL US TELL US…..when’s coffee hounds/church album gonna be realeased huh huh huh??? please????
    love always…

  18. avatar
    Anonymous | 4 February 2009 at 11:41 am #

    I think there’s a very good reason that the highest Buddhists seek to remove themselves from the cycle of incarnation.
    ex oblivione, ad oblivione.
    Please!

  19. avatar
    catchow | 4 February 2009 at 11:51 am #

    maybe it’s better to listen to the
    shadows of (k)night than wandering in this darkness…but a touch of hope at the end…maybe there’s something after death ,but what?
    So let’ have a good time as possible…
    a deep and good text,Steve!

  20. avatar
    seoigh | 4 February 2009 at 3:15 pm #

    It’s a bitch knowing the truth of Annihilation, yet still having a beautiful family and bills to pay. Bitch isn’t nearly strong enough a word, but you catch my meaning. Wish I could find some nice words to help you through it, but it seems we’re in the same crisis. Just keep at the music, yoga, and meditation. Build up some joriki. The best analgesic is the one that makes the pain not matter, right?

    Peace.

  21. avatar
    spread the love | 4 February 2009 at 4:24 pm #

    Brien Cromerford, follow this to a woman’s response to Jeff Beck:

    http://www.mickronson.com/mrboard/viewtopic.php?t=207

  22. avatar
    CSTCoach | 4 February 2009 at 4:40 pm #

    beautifully written, sk.

    i’m torn about the whole thing. about whether there’s anything afterwards. after watching my father die, i’m resigned to the thought that there’s not. that this is all we have. and i’m trying to truly live.

    but of course, i’m open to other alternatives.

    on another note, loved the kilbey/kennedy mini docu. great stuff. just wish it’d lasted longer – you guys were just getting started and it was over!

    captain mission – beautiful comment today. really nicely said.

  23. avatar
    davem | 4 February 2009 at 6:52 pm #

    Well SK I’m extremely grateful you’re here in your Kilbey suit. You’re a genius.
    x

  24. avatar
    ScaughtFive | 4 February 2009 at 8:19 pm #

    Don’t be afraid of cancellation. So far, everyone that’s undergone this process has done it without error. Scaught ain’t nothin’ but a figment of Scaught’s imagination running away with it. What are all of you doing in this scene?


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