posted on February 9, 2012 at 9:53 pm

old bondi

the gould street days have come to an end

i moved in there just before scarlet arrived in this world

we had some warm times

we had some terrible times

we had some ordinary non eventful times too

times when month after month seemed to drift endlessly

i guess this story is one i’d rather not tell

though many of you already know it

you already knew it anyway from your own lives

i curse a stupid world which makes sweet weed the enemy

and foists VODKA on us

ruiner of family

ruiner of life

ruiner of everything

i’ll give it one thing tho…it ruins things fast…!

so i hurl out all the bills and letters and cards

the detritus of seven years on the material plane

still when all is said and done i don’t own much

a ford falcon

a lovely fender bass guitar

ones worth drops

the others goes up n up

i own 4 other guitars counting the cigar box

i own an m audio keyboard and a nice mike

i own a laptop and a big new apple being paid off

i own loads of pastels and paints n art stuff

courtesy of my art guiding committee pres : h jordan

i own a few bits of very shabby beat up furniture

and garage full of pure rubbish

a few cds a few dvds a few books

thats it

of course my children are more precious to me than ANYTHING

my love for them is so deep it sometimes nearly wrenches me open

to let your daughters go into teenage-hood is like an art in itself

don’t be too soft or too hard…just like applying paint

my daughters are like coloured pencils

don’t press down on em till they break

but press down enough to make an impression

each colour has its time and place and its own role in the scheme of things

daughters are also like paintings :

after a certain time someone takes them off your hands….

you accept that as you watch your creation grow

from something small and quite inchoate

to something breathtakingly and achingly gorgeous

so you must not love them too much

but you must love them so much as you help them bloom

today i sat listlessly tossing out old bibs and bobs

coins cockroaches marbles broken bits of toys

aurora was with me having a day off school with a sickie

here is regular scene at our place

one kid

still lying in bed when other kids are up n at ’em

me : whats wrong with you,  kid?

kid : i dont wanna go to school today,  dad

me : what the bloody hell is wrong with ya then…?

other kid : she got you know…..uh….pain …because…..

me : alright alright….!….are you sure…..?…

all kids : DAD!!!!

anyway aurora was there

(tho to tell the truth i noticed very little “pain” …)

she didn’t help much but i always love her company

we talked about the things only she and i could talk about

she has a brilliant mind

but she falls for a brilliant minds traps

like me of course in spades

anyway we started on a long process

moving out of the past

after working we all went for a swim

after a few laps i had a “sugar drop”

anyway tonite is the last night in another place

a nice little place but its the last night here too

2morro begins a future somewhere else

all things must pass

all things must pass GO too

sk (tomorrow night bondi heights!)

 

 

 

64 Responses to “moving out of the past”

  1. avatar
    Anonymous | 9 February 2012 at 10:22 pm #

    Good luck, Steve, and be happy in your new place. Hope it’s the last of Larry Dalton, dude.

  2. avatar
    BROKEN TOYS AND HEROS | 9 February 2012 at 10:24 pm #

    I bought the home that ivgrew up in. I have never had to experience moving. Of all the worldly deeds I boast upon. I have never had to box up and change my life. Is that a good or bad thing…I do not know but home has always been home I guess. This was a very emotional read for me. Small drops of tears filled my eyes, I cannnot tell you why…for the angels I can only say, no…for you to of course. They will have yet another new nest to dance and play in- they will adjust with grand flair. And for Papa…I hope this new place feels like home as quickly as possible. I pray for you and your family’s health and happiness everyday, as I do for so many.
    Now- I will pray that the new walls which willl hold all of you tightly, in her painted arms as she does her best to bring some peace to this chapter in your life and keep all of you safe, healthy and warm ( cool for now).

    AzAlwaz,
    Dazza

    Please tell me ‘cat’ is in one of those moving boxes…

    • avatar
      BROKEN TOYS AND HEROS | 9 February 2012 at 10:29 pm #

      Something now will begin its journey of many miles from my home to yours. I was raised to honor and celebrate such an event, which I never took part myself. Please do not be upset when you receive it. Enjoy it as much as my loving family does. It truly will add its own flavor to your new home. It will awaken the senses and strengthen the inner foundation. It is a grand surprise…

      Dazza

      • avatar
        BROKEN TOYS AND HEROS | 9 February 2012 at 10:30 pm #

        Most excellent picture , I do say.
        It feels timeless…

  3. avatar
    Wilfred Paradise | 9 February 2012 at 10:38 pm #

    daughters/ art/ the metaphors – your best observation in awhile, you were right on. I think your Creator would even agree. pick up those instruments and play them. enjoy – wp

  4. avatar
    plumlady | 9 February 2012 at 11:42 pm #

    YOu’ve described raising a daughter in the most beautiful way I’ve ever heard and I must save those words for future reference to pass along to others….awesome! I know those girls; all of ’em, mean the world to you. Hoping that moving to a new home brings you new and much better memories as you grow into whatever comes next. Oh how I wish you’d move to the states and bring the young ladies along…..Where will you end up? A new love for someone or something awaits!

  5. avatar
    CouldBeAnyone | 10 February 2012 at 12:37 am #

    Anything can be the enemy. Weed destroyed something/one I loved once. Seems like a lifetime ago now, and I’m in a better place than I could have been then. I hope you find your better place soon. 🙂

    • avatar
      Michel | 10 February 2012 at 8:00 am #

      I do agree, home sweet home but weed, not sweet weed…
      I have spent my whole life moving, last time was june 2011. It was fun in the past, but it is becoming hard to move my 5000 CDs each time (including 94 Church-related CDs plus many vinyls and tapes !).

  6. avatar
    evilren | 10 February 2012 at 12:51 am #

    The best to you and your family on the move.

  7. avatar
    Boriah | 10 February 2012 at 12:56 am #

    Man, what happened? Are you divorcing your wife??? Seems like you were alone on your own again. Sad blog anyway. All my support! Maybe you like to know that I´ve been listen to “Dabble” this morning in my car, and I always say that it is a phenomenal collection of songs. I think is better than Narcosis+. “China” in my mind now. Organic real songs.
    Hey, spirits up, mister, your Golgotha still looks so far from where you are now.
    Hugs

  8. avatar
    . | 10 February 2012 at 1:24 am #

    change is one of those things
    that plays on the heartstrings
    & resurrects a jumbled mess of memories
    of the present tense and where you’ve been
    it looks forward to what the future brings
    but doesn’t necessarily want you to leave
    the places where you suffered and endured pain
    it’s another one of life’s necessary equations
    that can challenge us & lead us to a higher plane
    where we can be reborn with less and less suffering
    it’s one of the intermediaries between night and day
    that invites us to conquer our fears and keep moving
    may you have many blessed memories for the time being
    as you settle into your new abode with your dear family

  9. avatar
    Ron Bonham | 10 February 2012 at 1:54 am #

    Todays entry reminds me to stay in the present moment unending….somewhere, someone put that thought in to words for a song! Letting go of the past, is so fucking hard to do but HAS to be done…! Letting go…..

    rB

  10. avatar
    tedd | 10 February 2012 at 2:08 am #

    I have two daughters and two sons, so I know the world of the teenage King and Queen. I know what’s it’s like to wake up to “I’m sick!” … yeah right. Thank you Steve for that glimpse of your family … Moving is always a killer. Will you be moving anywhere near the place – “Yoga by the Sea”? I have a friend that visited Bondi and swam in that pool. Very cool I’m told … To you and your family – good luck with the move!

  11. avatar
    foolonthehill | 10 February 2012 at 6:19 am #

    it’s hard,sometimes to describe the work of love as a father, especially with daughters. Fathers and daughters need each other and it is a constant getting to know you session shrouded in unconditional love. I have that relationship with my duaghter! She’s about to do work experience at the zoo yr 10 already. You have expressed it very nicely. Good luck to you Steve.

    take it easy!

  12. avatar
    colette | 10 February 2012 at 6:51 am #

    Oh I know what you mean about furniture, garages, junk, teenagers, except I’m not planning a change of address.I would say, ‘I can’t’. But I’m fascinated by the reality of that thought. It seems as soon as I’m comforted by,’I’m settled’, I begin to think ‘Is that what I want?’.

  13. avatar
    BROKEN TOYS AND HEROS | 10 February 2012 at 7:13 am #

    Spot on…Sara, u r definetly enlightened “””___”___”””

  14. avatar
    andy | 10 February 2012 at 7:40 am #

    ‘old black spirit’ says it all…..
    love ya loads killer,
    bests to you and your lovely young ladies in your new digs.
    remember…every day you wake you’re a part of the future,
    …your own,…and ours.
    long may you endure!
    big man-hugs,
    andy.

  15. avatar
    Warren Jason Street | 10 February 2012 at 7:54 am #

    Oh, that’s just hard to have to read. I’m very sorry you are having to move. It doesn’t sound like your choice to do so and from reading the blog now for so long it just seems like you’re having to tear up a lot of things. Possessions don’t matter, people matter. But the place where you house both, yeah, that does kind of matter. So very sorry.

  16. avatar
    davem | 10 February 2012 at 7:56 am #

    Have a safe move SK.
    Love you
    xx

  17. avatar
    Judith Miller | 10 February 2012 at 8:22 am #

    Sounding sad ,but your description on bringing up daughters is so apt especially as you bring them up to place in ”someone else’s care”. My eldest daughter due to have her first baby with her husband of 18 months. and then it all starts over again. When you get grandchildren you will be ” in love” again. ALL THE BEST FOR YOUR FUTURE Judy M

  18. avatar
    princey | 10 February 2012 at 8:43 am #

    All the best to you and your daughters sk, you all must be feeling very emotional in one way or another at the moment, it’s such a big change for you all, so good luck with it all.

    Keep us posted about your new ‘hood sk…I know there’ll be some interesting and funny blogs coming our way. I remember some of your old blogs about your neighbours playing doof music downstairs with the waft of bbq’d meat stinking up your apt etc….ha, I enjoyed reading those blogs 🙂

    Take care,
    xAmanda

  19. avatar
    ticktockclarice | 10 February 2012 at 8:48 am #

    What an achingly bittersweet entry. Your description of raising daughters was spot on and broke my heart. Unfortunately i have a dad who “never left much of an impression” on me. He’s a decent enough guy but we don’t have much of a relationship to speak of and it is this lifelong yearning for a father figure and the lack of self-esteem caused by that which caused me to turn to the other major issue of your blog, vodka (or in my case, its bastard cousin bourbon). Of course, alcohol is never the answer, just burns that whole in your soul a lot deeper (I’m having a good spell with it lately thankfully, clean in 2012 so far) I’m sorry it has caused so much drama in your life and that your new place brings a fresh, healthy energy and start for you and your precious girls. (Seems fitting that Aurora was the one to “help” you pack, when her name means dawn) Lots of love and luck to you all with the move.

  20. avatar
    Lara | 10 February 2012 at 9:01 am #

    How any parent deals with the onset of their kids’ teenage years is beyond me. My poor Dad had a handful with my sister and I, but the amazing thing is that he has truly forgotten all of our rotten juvenile delinquency and remembers only the good. I thought he was going senile at first, but no.

  21. Jmb066
    Jmb066 | 10 February 2012 at 9:12 am #

    Steve,

    So sorry to hear about your current move, here is To Life Somewhere Else in your new place. Nice story about your girls today, 2 boys 2 girls for me from 11 year old twins to my 4 and 2 year old. I can relate and love the different relationships I have with each child. I think readng between the lines and songs “Old Black Spirit” you are going through some tough times and hope it turns for the best. Please know we are here for you and want you to be happy.

    Take Care,

    Jason

  22. avatar
    mattyc | 10 February 2012 at 10:13 am #

    All is transient
    moving, ending, beginning
    and so it goes…
    Permanence dissolves.
    Your flowers blossom.
    You nurture and watch,
    and feel the great pain of joy.
    And leave behind the ghosts,
    that will come calling from time to time.

  23. avatar
    veleska1970 | 10 February 2012 at 10:16 am #

    best of luck to you, steve. and a million hugs to you and the family.

  24. avatar
    Jonny Hollywood | 10 February 2012 at 10:50 am #

    no more noisy neighbors then huh, if you need any help moving I am available 24/7 🙂

  25. avatar
    DavidP | 10 February 2012 at 10:53 am #

    moving into life somewhere else, all the best with that Kilbo
    bondi heights aye
    one time after just seeing you at the pool
    i was having a coffee with a friend in a place just behind the main bondi drag
    n just as we were about to leave this person about my age came in and sat down
    right next to me in a bit of a huff n said emphatically to the waitress I need coffee and toast with eggs or tomatoes or something. Seemed like they were there to escape or avoid something or someone. I wondered if they were who I thought it might be. And I wondered if I could say anything to them to help but I didnt want to meddle in something not my business n I wasnt 100% sure if it was them although I felt it probably was. A funny position for me to be in. That person wouldnt have had a clue that the complete stranger they had just sat down next to knew what they knew about them and wanted to help. Don’t suppose it would’ve made a diff.
    I might have to move soon too, landlord wants to knock down half the building and rebuild it!
    I don’t own much either and half of what I do I’d like to turf out.
    Anyways, all the best Steve and gang, onwards and upwards n take care be aware!
    DP

  26. avatar
    Steven Krut | 10 February 2012 at 10:57 am #

    You kinda look like Ernest Hemingway on that photo. Papa Kilbey. 🙂
    I hope your new place proves a comfortable setting for much happiness and joy.

  27. avatar
    Stewart | 10 February 2012 at 10:58 am #

    This moved me to tears. I love the way this piece moves from the past and material things to your most precious things – your children – and the future. I particularly love the ‘coloured pencils’ simile.
    After 7 years at a law firm, I signed over my share of the firm and handed over my key yesterday. I’m embracing a new adventure as a stay-at-home dad with my daughter, Miranda. She is our first child, almost 20 months old and adorable.
    I’ve had some amazing and diverse experiences – playing pubs and clubs in bands from 16 years old, some good times in the 80’s, spiritual and philosophical questing more extremely than most, travelling, working with homeless people, honours at law school, partnership in a law firm, returning to writing and performing, 21 fantastic years of marriage – but the last 20 months of fatherhood have been the most wonderful.
    I have less than people expect in material terms but I count myself as the luckiest man alive. I have my pearls of great price and, more valuable than mere second sight, the blessing of being able to recognise them.
    I wish you all the very best in your time of transition and hope the scene change serves to further strengthen the wonderful things that actually matter.

  28. avatar
    John Garratt | 10 February 2012 at 11:45 am #

    So, you’re saying that you have secret stashes of weed and vodka in your old place?

    On an unrelated note, do you need help moving?

  29. avatar
    crimsongate | 10 February 2012 at 11:58 am #

    You’re not leaving Bondi are you Steve? I hope its a step up for you or at least a lateral move. Much love to you as you undergo this transition…

  30. avatar
    citizen kane | 10 February 2012 at 1:02 pm #

    open up a window, let the bad air out,……rosebud.

  31. avatar
    LisaK | 10 February 2012 at 1:25 pm #

    Today’s words and photo are gorgeous. The truth in them is heartbreaking. Still sorry that you and your sweet girls are dealing with this whole situation, but I am so glad that you are starting a new chapter someplace fresh and clean. I don’t paint, but I imagine this new home is like a blank canvas– just empty, but patiently waiting for you (all) to create something vibrant and beautiful.

    Sending lots of love.

  32. avatar
    herman the German | 10 February 2012 at 3:22 pm #

    It ain’t an easy time for ya, Kilbey, but maybe you’ll wake in a better place…at least you’ll be rid of all the bad memories that lurk in the old place. Wishing you well from -17 C Germany!

  33. avatar
    Melissa | 10 February 2012 at 3:41 pm #

    good luck sk 🙂 hope your new abode brings you much happiness! Hope to get you a house warming pressie when you’re down in Melby for Van Park 😉

  34. avatar
    hellbound heart | 10 February 2012 at 8:23 pm #

    gorgeous words about your girls…..I have one who’s ten now and in just under two years she goes to high school…so easy to think back to the strange quiet little black-haired creature that changed my life….what I do know is that you never stop needing your parents…..I rely on mine still…Gracie will grow and mature but there’s that silent and monumental bond..
    your children will bloom into adulthood but they will never stop loving you or needing you..
    Love you Steve xx

  35. avatar
    Anonymous | 10 February 2012 at 8:27 pm #

    Here’s to new beginnings,with much love and sunshine to you and yours!

  36. avatar
    Anonymous | 10 February 2012 at 8:39 pm #

    a greeting card would say ‘I hope you and your family will know many days and nights of peace, warmth, love and boundless creativity in your new home – starting today’. i would say that too.

  37. avatar
    Ryan | 10 February 2012 at 9:18 pm #

    Here’s to a change of place. New surroundings and a bright new future.

  38. avatar
    eekie | 10 February 2012 at 11:03 pm #

    …and moving into the future.
    It’s time.
    You’ve lived in a sort of limbo long enough.
    You are ready for this…ready for what’s next.
    What you possess is so much more than what you own.
    You have what is most important and I think you know that.
    May the good memories come with you.
    May the bad ones be left behind.
    May you forever move forward.

    (I love the blogs where you write about your girls. Your love for them is palpable and very beautiful.)

  39. avatar
    That Girl | 11 February 2012 at 7:52 am #

    Leaving behind and starting new beginning can be a fine line. Making it work is in the balancing. Deep breath, life is good. Much joy in your new home and many happy adventures I wish for you all.

  40. avatar
    pocket change | 11 February 2012 at 8:38 am #

    change is good, moving is hard, amps are heavy, what ever happened to that big old Ampeg bass amp you had? love your bass playing dude.

  41. avatar
    anonymous | 11 February 2012 at 10:07 am #

    A new broom sweeps clean…all the very best for the move, I’m sure your new place will be a good move for you – right after the start of the year of the Dragon it must be good 🙂

  42. avatar
    Richard | 11 February 2012 at 10:20 am #

    from the moment each of them began
    I’ve loved each of my kids more than myself

    that came naturally to me
    (and I’m pretty sure to most parents)

    but it’s a melancholy love

    neither quite unrequited
    nor quite reciprocated

    and tinged with a constant sense of responsibility
    that is absolute and therefore always un-met

    (wouldn’t swap it for the world)

  43. avatar
    Donna | 11 February 2012 at 11:56 am #

    The end of an era. Good luck with your move, Steve. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings, especially about your girls. Very touching. I feel sad for you, but at the same time, I know you’re about to begin new adventures. I wish you and your daughters well! Much love….

  44. avatar
    Linjo | 11 February 2012 at 1:26 pm #

    Dear Steve, reading that made me a bit teary. What a wonderful loving dad you are. No material possession can equal that. My own little bunny was 10 on Thursday and her dad didn’t even remember. He voluntarily moved 6 hours away from her for no reason, no relationship or job. Yes, beautiful the way you have described bringing up your girls. “dont be too soft or hard” is definitely a good path. I let my girl have freedom to be who she wants (eg she wants her nose pierced) and she is the sweetest most respectful kid. Obviously good communication helps x

  45. avatar
    Jesiah6 | 11 February 2012 at 2:43 pm #

    Good luck in your new place. Just watched the video of the tour.
    Love the verandas, a great place for viewing sunrises, sunsets and storms!

  46. avatar
    Anonymous | 11 February 2012 at 3:41 pm #

    sweet, semicoherent and moving — are you sore all over from lactic acid?
    i see the same ocean from my window, at about the same distance — but it’s the opposite coast (and opposite hemisphere, season, etc…)
    hope this new home will be a place of comfort and healing
    and durable springboard for your spirit
    — long distance hug —

  47. avatar
    jigsaw | 11 February 2012 at 9:17 pm #

    all the best to you and daughters sk…

  48. avatar
    Dust E. Canyonland | 12 February 2012 at 9:51 am #

    Even the slightest of tears hold the weight of molten lead…. and the world is chuck-full of them emotional eye droplets…memories captured and held prisoner in a minute liquid moment. Atlas ain’t got no smile on his face as he hoists that giant green and blue ball up on his back. It’s heavy fer a reason. If you don’t feel that weight you ain’t livin’. Seems to me yer livin’…much like alot of the rest of us are. May yer future trails be happy, Cowboy.

  49. avatar
    Cocoamo | 12 February 2012 at 1:50 pm #

    Your girls are lucky to have you as well.

    If you haven’t seen it, the movie “The Descendants” would be interesting for you and the girls to see.

    Moving…pain in the ‘ol arse, but so cathartic. And, perhaps the empty space that’s been glaring at you where NK used to be will be left behind, along with all the bad memories.

    One chapter slams shut. A fresh new one begins, filled with love, joy, and prosperity.

    Your Friend in Pennsylvania
    (Now in Cocoa Beach)

  50. avatar
    Ingrid | 13 February 2012 at 10:54 pm #

    Hi SK, I read this whilst I was at uni the other day and didn’t get a chance to say how beautiful this is. You really sum up well the emotion involved in raising daughters and I am wondering how I will cope with the teenage years myself. I wish you and the girls all the best in your new home xxx

  51. avatar
    david | 14 February 2012 at 11:59 am #

    ..it feels like were leaving with you …


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