posted on October 27, 2006 at 8:39 pm

i was born one stormy september day
in england
a small island off continental europe
my mother
who co incidentally was english
had been warned by a soothsayer
“sooth, sooth” the sayer had said
my father whos name was dad was pacing the corridor
“hurry up with that bleatin’ baby, joy” dad called from the hall
seeing my lateness was irritating dad
i decided to be born
a minute later i popped out
“hello, mother” i said a minute later
after the doctor had slapped me round
and i’d pretended to cry
“whats occurring?”
life in england
with my dad n my mother was ok
mick jagger was my baby sitter one day
he played me some chuck berry records
only recently available in england
“its all done with the little finger” he would mutter obliquely
as we proto-rocknrolled by micks tiny record player
i was 2 years olde by now
i’d written almost with you the year before
the xylophone part on el momento
was in fact conceived on my baby xylophone
“do ya think ya can get an english angle on it tho mick?”
i asked from my pram
mick was smoking some hash
and not being too careful about not blowing the smoke on me
he frowned proto-coquettishly
his evermoist lips forming an androgynous pout
“you cant always get what you want”
“you should use that one mick”
i said
leaving off on my bottle of formula briefly
“what?”‘ mick said puzzled
“”you cant always get what you want”” i said
“nah” said mick
“since when ave you been a songwritin’ expert….?”
and then
more fool me
i showed him a proto-version
of a song i was calling
“paint it blue”
about how everything in my nursery was painted blue
jaggers thirteen year old eyes lit up when i banged out
my rudimentary version on the xylophone
(this would account for my later marimba prowess)
i see a pink pram and i want it painted blue…i warbled
missing some of my teeth…
some of the consonants were hard to make…
i wonder if he could have mis heard me…?
that night as my mother paid him his 6pence
and rebooked him for next week
he asked her if she minded him bringing his friend along
“hes real good at baby-sittin'” mick said
perhaps with a slight smirk
it was hard to tell…my bonnett gave me blindspots in my vision
that week whilst waiting for micky n his friend to come back
i rolled other bits of random dialogue around in my head
i read something about lady jane seymour n it got me thinking
hmmm
my sweet lady jane….i crooned from my cot one evening at twilight
i set to work on the xylophone
i had a rattle to keep time
and set to work on some proto-elizabethan malarkey
the next day i heard my dad n mother arguing
over my dads piano playing which had taken a boogie woogie bent
whats wrong with mozart dear asked my mother
dad said
and i still hear the words hangin’ in the air there
i wished you liked …..honky tonk,woman!
bang it hit me
i set to work
i tickle n stroked my xylophone
becoming one with my little wooden mallets
“i met a milksoaked wet nurse down in dartford
she tried to pick me up for a burp”
i could couldnt get it out of my head
all that week songs poured outta the universe to me
that sunday mick arrived with a scruffy little sod
with black hair n big ears
“ere, stevie” he said
after mother n dad had split
“play summa them songs on that xylophoney
for my mate keithy, willya?theresaniceboy!”
ah so naive
so naive
how was i to know…?
i was only a little over 2 years old
soon to migrate to australia forever…
“ok boys listen to this
its called” milk sugar”
a familiar riff emanated from the xylophone
da da dahdah
da da dahdah
da da da da
da da da da

xxx me

31 Responses to “my life in a stolen blogge”

  1. avatar
    syrinx | 27 October 2006 at 9:30 pm #

    If the computer chair did not have arms, I would now be on the floor.

    No, that’s not right. I’d be back up again so’s I could type that I was on the floor.

    Sorry. Accuracy is everything.

    I DOOO xxx you! 🙂

  2. avatar
    Anonymous | 27 October 2006 at 9:52 pm #

    Well…where would you have ended up had that occured???
    Writing bloggs for fans?? Painting?? Hmmm….Guess we’ll never know.
    Very funny too, good start to the day. So thankyou for that.

    Hope the sun shines on you one at a time.

    ML,
    don joe

  3. avatar
    Anonymous | 27 October 2006 at 10:36 pm #

    good morning child

  4. avatar
    Anonymous | 27 October 2006 at 11:04 pm #

    atta boy little steven….great blog.

  5. avatar
    CeciliaGin | 27 October 2006 at 11:07 pm #

    Ingles:
    da da dahdah
    da da dahdah
    da da da da
    da da da da

    eSpanish:
    da da dahdah
    da da dahdah
    da da da da
    da da da da

  6. avatar
    Jack | 27 October 2006 at 11:17 pm #

    The best one yet, and that’s saying something!

    Jack

  7. avatar
    ambnt1 | 27 October 2006 at 11:20 pm #

    Steven,

    This is definitely NOT your best blog ever of all time in the history of the universe. But it’s pretty good. You are one sick puppy! (in a good way).

    –Chris

    n.p. Ron Boots, “Joie de Vivre”

  8. avatar
    pro bono Bono | 27 October 2006 at 11:24 pm #

    i believe every word steve
    now if we can just get joyce to corroborate
    we’ll have an iron clad case
    we’ll restore you to your rightful place in “rock” history
    we’ll get those fraudsters knocked off the airwaves
    and onto their bony arses
    and we’ll roll around in those royal royalties forever
    and ever
    amen!

    now where can we get your lips enhanced?

  9. avatar
    buckmoose | 27 October 2006 at 11:59 pm #

    So THAT’S how it REALLY happened!

  10. avatar
    (('{~_~}')) | 28 October 2006 at 12:14 am #

    A great Saturday morning read. Thanks for the laugh.

  11. avatar
    damien | 28 October 2006 at 12:30 am #

    It’s funny ‘cos it’s true!

    By the way, glad to see you are coming to Perf wiv The Chruchu. Any plans to do a headlining show or two?

  12. avatar
    veleska1970 | 28 October 2006 at 1:15 am #

    born to rock~~yeah!!!

    a good laugh to end the day….thanks.

    lotza love…

  13. avatar
    ...being here, doing this... | 28 October 2006 at 1:59 am #

    The googling of “sooth sooth” produced this as the No 1 result.

    Five meanings for the casting of the Die to determine?

    Perhaps the unspoken 6th meaning is for you to determine…

    A world without Time Being looks like this

    A world with Time Being looks like this

  14. avatar
    the world fan club | 28 October 2006 at 5:03 am #

    This was a goodie, Stevie…it reminded me of when I wrote Helter Selzer with Paul McCartney when I was 10. My tummy was upset so he put some powder in some water and said, “Try this.” I then took some white paint and brushed it over the cover of Sgt. Pepper’s, laying nearby. Once I had it covered in white I wrote my name in the lower right corner. He looked at it and said, “Mmmm. Ya might have something there…”

  15. avatar
    bucks burnett | 28 October 2006 at 5:11 am #

    Sleeping Gods (for Steve)

    Sleeping Gods lie sideways
    On a Map Of Everything
    Steve Kilbey in the driveway
    Begging telephones to ring

    BB 10/28/2006 (me burfday…)

  16. avatar
    Tony Pucci | 28 October 2006 at 5:30 am #

    great one steve!
    you had me smiling and laughing
    peace

  17. avatar
    Anonymous | 28 October 2006 at 5:52 am #

    “no comment”

    mick jagger

  18. avatar
    Cameras 4 Eyes | 28 October 2006 at 7:10 am #

    No, no, no.
    Europe is a continent off the island of England.
    People always get this wrong.

  19. avatar
    kat | 28 October 2006 at 7:38 am #

    😉 mick was my babysitter too!

  20. avatar
    Anonymous | 28 October 2006 at 9:05 am #

    Craig Obey vs. The Church “Under The Miky Way”.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Upra4XEMj1I

  21. avatar
    captainmission | 28 October 2006 at 9:42 am #

    ha! can’t ya hear me laughng….which incedently mick and keef stole from me and turned it into ‘knocking’ i mean i ask ya, ‘knocking’ how does that work? It’s laughing i tells ya laughing!

    congratulations with the pretenders shows, although in my humble opinion they should be supporting you guys.
    i am so looking forwards to the gigs with marty, can’t wait 🙂

  22. avatar
    JJ | 28 October 2006 at 12:03 pm #

    Ah! So now I know how Mick n’ Keef got those tunes; Nevets you precocious little devil. And they substituted a sitar for the xylophone on Lady Jane, ’cause you couldn’t hold such a big stringed instrument.

    This is rock history……the hidden songwriter, “behind the music” in a pram.

    Good one!

    JJ

  23. avatar
    calling down baal and zeus | 28 October 2006 at 12:09 pm #

    my mother is terrified of mick… not jus a littlle ..shes convinced

  24. avatar
    leelinau | 28 October 2006 at 12:20 pm #

    Thanks for that link to the Craig Obey vs. The Church ~UTMW~….

    saweet.

    ^_^

  25. avatar
    restaurant mark | 28 October 2006 at 1:17 pm #

    that’s just wrong…or not??? your marimba prowess huh? hilarious!

  26. avatar
    Paul W. | 28 October 2006 at 4:14 pm #

    Great story Steve. But you left out the part where the young Brian Jones came over and slipped face-down into your baby bath…..

    Surely November can’t be the end for this blog, it’s far too good to face such an early demise. But, if it is becoming too time consuming to do it every day, could you at least keep us hanging on with a weekly entry?

    -paul

  27. avatar
    Dunkling | 28 October 2006 at 7:34 pm #

    Ho ho ho!! Thas brill. Don’t fall out of any coconut trees anytime soon.

  28. avatar
    mick jagger | 29 October 2006 at 12:37 am #

    Ahh, well.

    The truth must out, eh mate?

  29. avatar
    gareth,notts | 29 October 2006 at 11:07 am #

    now that was damn funny!!!!!!!!!!!!

  30. avatar
    John Garratt | 30 October 2006 at 2:30 pm #

    Poor little Stevie…got no satisfaction.

    I’m sorry, that was downright terrible.

    John

  31. avatar
    Earn A LifeTime of Income From Anywhere! | 12 November 2006 at 11:47 am #

    Appreciated your thoughts. Thanks and visit us at Computer Tips


Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.