posted on January 15, 2012 at 1:27 pm

the author ache

 

i am compelled to believe in a god and i thank him

my life is a real baroque maze

it is a bizarre riddle

still i have had my health and i have eked out a living

playing not working

all extremes combined into one i have stumbled through life

certain wearinesses appear reminding me of my approaching winter

and my long rest

too hard to be soft

too soft to be hard

music words art have become easy for me

but life is getting harder

i tell you again

with all my words yet i cannot seem to reason with many

my anger and self-doubt trip me up

my pre-occupation with art consumes me

i work on things in my head

i can’t keep track of all this on the outside

i have my own taboos and formulae and rituals

given isolation in a music studio and an art enclave

oh i would certainly produce something very good

the outside world intrudes of course

i don’t get enough done

i need to create

I’ve gotta get cracking

every day or 2 a new thing crops up

good things bad things neutral things

eats up yer time and inclination to do something

my world drives me mad

it is one conundrum on top of one more conundrum

writing a song?

no worries

sorting all the rest out?

weariness descends

i am at the centre yet have frittered away authority

old myths linger

the new me is perceived only dimly

as i get freer i get more entangled

then suddenly even tomorrow

it may all suddenly stop

and all the manoeuvring will be as nothing

just more bullshit contributing to ones demise

 

37 Responses to “my world in one day”

  1. avatar
    jaime r.. | 15 January 2012 at 2:05 pm #

    As life takes us in its own evolution.. Meditation must be the core strength to keep our world in our hand, Be strong Killer, Resolve your conflicts.. have urself some peace, Yu deserve it and I for one wish it for you and yours.. Jaime R….

  2. avatar
    carolko | 15 January 2012 at 2:10 pm #

    Fantastic…
    There is never enough time. Life gets in the way of creating.

  3. avatar
    spooky | 15 January 2012 at 2:28 pm #

    life begins to decay at birth, flowers damaged by a hail storm.

  4. avatar
    Steven Krut | 15 January 2012 at 3:26 pm #

    Do you meditate? I know that when I become unfocused and frustrated, it really helps me. Peace. (I’m making a peace sign with my fingers, but you probably can’t see it.)

  5. avatar
    James Wing | 15 January 2012 at 3:46 pm #

    Hey maybe this is a real need for creating–Your Own Universe…A place to express all of these thought wandering around your brain and seeing them come to life and letting people here…hear the music which it inspired and for us to want to visit. But me personally I want a List of possible roles and a look at what kinda women will be there that you have created….LOL…Rock and Roll….A little bit of Rock and a whole Lotta Rollinnnn

    K
    L8R
    JTheDon

  6. avatar
    foolonthehill | 15 January 2012 at 4:51 pm #

    If yer unhappy and yer know it……CHANGE! Re-birth, it hurts like the first.

  7. avatar
    anon anon | 15 January 2012 at 5:01 pm #

    a streaming response…

    maybe it’s the price for opening the door so far to a complex inner creative life
    and yours is clearly multifarious and layered with nuance and contradiction
    maybe it gets harder to tend to conflicting terrains when so many tools are busy divining one part of the forest
    and the longer you have worked that patch, the more deeply you are surely digging
    and even though it feels easier, more energy is probably tied up there than ever before
    or maybe it’s always been like that…
    and maybe the strain becomes too great when we keep leaping between the divides
    we are not machines, maybe we ask too much of ourselves
    abstraction needs a flow of uninterrupted consciousness
    the power struggles of the outer world are its antithesis, irreconcilable
    but then, i can always fall in the hole i dug for myself anyway
    without any outside intervention…so the dichotomy is inner and outer
    but whatever its source, it seems to get harder to navigate, for me
    the paradox lies in the question and in offering consciousness to our process
    so easy to say…
    maybe anger and intolerance try to keep the impediments at bay, try to protect the core, hold on to the power
    or maybe that’s the lie, the fearful reflexes that know no other way, that keep repeating failed responses, and prove the definition of insanity
    attention is the imperative for change, a conscious sacrifice of time and energy
    but maybe that’s for another lifetime
    maybe the uncontrollable life surrounding the art, if artistry is the necessity of a life, needs to be made as simple and manageable as possible so that the work can continue
    maybe that’s all you can do
    and just bear the disorder when it cannot be controlled
    bear the imperfection, the mess
    give it up, let it go, or just wait til it leaves, is all i can do when the power struggles take hold
    reasoning is doomed to failure in my world, the world is just not reasonable most of the time
    but what do I know…

  8. avatar
    theoldlampost | 15 January 2012 at 7:11 pm #

    the bible – every word.

  9. avatar
    colette | 15 January 2012 at 7:44 pm #

    Don’t be too hard on yourself

  10. avatar
    ASSMIDGET | 15 January 2012 at 8:16 pm #

    Artists gotta be alone and eing alone will turn you into artist

  11. avatar
    andy | 15 January 2012 at 9:34 pm #

    off topic?
    maybe not…..
    i worked with a guy at royal mail for many years,we became pretty good pals.
    i haven’t seen much of him in the past couple of years since leaving the mail biz,and also due to the fact that his habit with the bottle put him in hospital for a spell and ruined his marriage.
    nonetheless….a flawed but essentially good man.
    for some reason, out of the blue….i had a dream or something on friday night in which i was told he had died.
    this being the time being you can guess the content of the e-mail i just read this sunday morning.
    i’m now convinced more than ever before that there IS an architect behind all this crazy shit we call life.
    another sad day though………..

    • avatar
      BROKEN TOYS AND HEROS | 16 January 2012 at 3:13 pm #

      You have been having way to many, we gotta flip that around asap. I worry about ya.

      Darrin K.

  12. avatar
    BROKEN TOYS AND HEROS | 15 January 2012 at 10:18 pm #

    I have recently had an epiphany from an ‘outside’ induced writers block. I began writing a fictional story of character study/selfrealization/confrontation / and remorse aprox 5 years ago. You will be glad or mad to know that both you and Marty are in my ‘great american novel’ – the 2 of you are…cats of the anti-hero named ‘piper and kilbey’ (your the cat who keeps fucking up the poor guys home when he’s gone for the day at work…ha.ha.haaaaa).
    I do consider myself an artist. I have had poetry published. I have played the guitar(primary) for over 35+ years now, I draw and paint freehand paintings with, like u, not an ounce of formal training. With modern technology, I can’t incorporate my art into my album.covers of the instrumental music that I have composed (I play all instruments needed- guitar, bass, drums/percussion/ keys). I have made concept albums and a mutual friend, Sir Andy, and I have traded our work. Andy is a fine musician and a diamond gem of a person. He is so genuine- but I get the sense sometimes that he may think im a tad crazy, well that actually may b true. But I know Andy is dear to u, as u r 2 him.

    So- what’s my point…

    When the creative juice flows like testosterone on steroids, I want no one in my way, I want to b selfish because it may jeopardise the process and it can result in anger and strife for those around me, including my children. You have a gift of striking an ‘even’ chord by years of practice at this. With so many darling angelic voices filling the space between your houses for over 20+ years. How do you do that???
    How is it even possible??? I can never imagine a Mr. Steve Kilbey locking himself away from society and its woes, unable to have and relay any commentary on the events at hand like Salinger did. But, if you could change it all…would you??? Be alone-be free to create at an alarming and abundant rate….????

    Can you even reflect on your life and answer that question. I believe I missed the boat/train/plane when I ‘chose’ to raise my son from birth until 10 years old by myself due to unforeseen circumstances ( i married my best friend Laura on 05/21/2000) But, if I could do it all over…many people thought I was a budding virtuoso at the age of 18-20. Would I even consider…????????

    Hell no, my greatest artwork IS my son, and now my soon to b 4 year old angel. So, I sacrificed it all for them. All I do now is for hobby sake, but maybe this book that I have been writing for years will be my defining moment….just 25+ years after I thought it might have happened.

    AsAlways,
    Darrin K.

  13. avatar
    Anonymous | 15 January 2012 at 10:21 pm #

    This is life as an adult /parent/spouse. Sorry. Responsibilities extending far wide of the workplace no matter what it is we do for a living. Expectations and reality are rarely the same . Fact of life. You can’t always change everything but you can change the way you respond to situations. Positive approach stops helplessness. As has been suggested by others ,meditation is another approach, and can be incorporated throughout the day. You started by pointing out a few positives but slip into the same struggle. Hopefully a couple of pertinent quotes will enable you to lessen the fight. (actually three )
    Quote : I just need somewhere to dump all my negativity.
    Van Morrison.

    Quote:What we change inwardly will change outer reality.
    Plutarch.

    Quote: Habits of thinking need not be forever. One of the most significant findings in psychology in the last twenty years is that inderviduals can choose the way they think.
    Martin Seligman. ( author learned optimism)
    I may have to forward this on to Mr Morrison.
    Take care Mr K and Family.

  14. avatar
    . | 15 January 2012 at 11:21 pm #

    maintain grace under pressure
    and you shall prevail
    life creeps in with living matters
    but you shall not fail
    find those precious moments
    when you can be alone
    and write that beautiful symphony
    you cannot go wrong
    balance the equations
    the solution is in that song
    your spirit calls out
    your spirit calls out

  15. Jmb066
    Jmb066 | 16 January 2012 at 12:35 am #

    Steve,

    Sorry to hear about this, I know the feeling. My wife and I both work we have 4 kids and our schedules are always a battle. When things at work are well things at home are usually not and vice versa. No mato tter what I always find time with my kids even if its just an hour reading them a book or drawing whatever. My older kids we do home work together and spend time that way, I enjoy discovering how they process and think about information in school or the world. The most important thing I do every day is carve out an hour or two to do something for me, like visiting this site which I do daily, hotel womb, face book etc to keep up with updates and upcoming releaes etc. I have made some lovely Church related friends like Holly, Frank, Anthony, Jeff, Chrome etc. I can loose myself in this other world which is themed around love for your music and art, all that other stuff goes away for a little while and I thank you for it. Real world always comes calling and off I go. Maybe you need to organize your day to spend time with your kids, concerns and make time for your creative outlet. Not easy I know but worth it if you can balance your work/life and satisfy all involved.

    Hope things improve for you and if you ever need help with anything we are here for you. Even though some of us are on the other side of the world we could still help you with the sites, sharing information etc.

    Take Care,

    Jason

  16. avatar
    Anonymous | 16 January 2012 at 12:55 am #

    your focus is inspiring. perhaps our struggles add depth and meaning to our art.

  17. avatar
    Ron Bonham | 16 January 2012 at 1:34 am #

    I read an interview once where the person stated “I don’t get stage fright….I get the rest of life fright..” Cannot help but think if this when reading your post….stay strong.

  18. avatar
    Once | 16 January 2012 at 6:26 am #

    You soundeth depressed a bit. Perhaps fearing that if you become happy you will become shallow, lose that “edge”, lose track of the magic.

    It’s said that one is not what one DOES, but who one IS. You ARE an artist. That is unchangeable. Even if you produced nothing in the physical world, you THINK art. You FEEL art. You ARE art. Sure, it’s what you do, but also who you are.

    You are very driven, more than most, and that is highly admirable. But don’t let your drive work against you. You are in control, don’t ever feel otherwise. God/The Universe will always support you, no matter what happens, no matter what you do, or do not, accomplish.

    Enjoy what you have, embrace this life, believe that the only thing working against you is yourself. And let that go.

    You may be surprised.

    😉

  19. avatar
    hellbound heart | 16 January 2012 at 8:39 am #

    I like Anon’s thoughts…..tolerate the crap if you have to and savor the times you have to do what you want….
    love always….

  20. avatar
    bouvardia5 | 16 January 2012 at 9:26 am #

    One only has to see your face in performance to see your bliss.

  21. avatar
    Lara | 16 January 2012 at 9:28 am #

    Time: it slaps me around too. I hate treating it like stacks of shiny coins. That’s no way to live, but I can’t seem to shake the habit. There IS so much to do…

    You are spectacularly productive . Perhaps you can linger longer in your completed creations? Get comfortable with a pause in the action? Not so much of an expert on that myself, unfortunately.

    Much love to you,

    L.

  22. avatar
    edd | 16 January 2012 at 11:22 am #

    Hope it all works out for you, Steve.

  23. avatar
    Jesiah6 | 16 January 2012 at 11:31 am #

    It seems like there is never enough time to get things done
    and when I take time for myself I feel guilty about not being constructive.
    Is this what it means to be an adult and have responsibilities.
    You just have to balance your time I guess.
    Hang in there…great creations don’t come easy.

  24. avatar
    anonymous | 16 January 2012 at 12:33 pm #

    i wish i could stop whining and get back to work. 🙂

  25. avatar
    Wilfred Paradise | 16 January 2012 at 10:54 pm #

    SK12:

    You either got faith or you got unbelief. I think you got faith, more so that you let on. everything you have been able to tap into is of the divine, you know this, you must know this. all that is there to greet you, both today and tomorrow. it will either slingshot you back into this world, boomerang karma (am still convinced you were one of Columbus’ buddies who toiled under a Spanish monarch), or it will be there to greet you, to escort you into your mansion, and I hope to see you there one day, maybe have a drink and smoke?

    A solid woman could help you too. you still have time to find your June Cash. Just make sure she’s not crazy.

    But faith, man, I know you got it. But once you realize it, it takes all the damn pressure off. Tap that particular divine keg.

    Enjoy – and please bring all your friends (David Neil album/ Isadore sessions) to the States. It will be a great spiritual review.

    Wilfred P

    • avatar
      thetimebeing | 17 January 2012 at 8:33 am #

      i could use some cash in june….

      • avatar
        BROKEN TOYS AND HEROS | 17 January 2012 at 9:42 am #

        Hop a plane with clothes for 4 days, 2 acoustic guitars and play couple solo gigs at the Park West, or we could find another venue, but I believe you like that one (P.W) (oh and bring along some merch…you most easily can move it here. Take an extra day or 2 to just walk the greatest city on EARTH, so many shops and art/culture and fine vegan dining. That would charge up the batteries nice and strong. Cash should line your pockets and fly on back to Bondi. There , one week with travel/ 3 shows / and some R n R and the month of June would be profitable for at least 25%.

        I’m an optimist…

        Have a Killer Day !!!

        AsAlways,
        Darrin K.

  26. avatar
    mattyc | 17 January 2012 at 4:00 am #

    We can’t help but change.
    Each relationship, each perception, each neural stimulation
    adjusts us.
    Individually and collectively
    unavoidably
    we change.
    We exalt in our youth, but would he recognize us now?
    And with the last cloudy breath of winter
    will we know who we’ve become?

  27. avatar
    M E M | 17 January 2012 at 4:41 am #

    Yet it is after the demise
    When everything
    Really counts…

    “we face death all the time, and for that time we are immortal”

  28. avatar
    Anon This Time (Sorry) | 17 January 2012 at 5:13 am #

    Dear Mr K,

    I was diagnosed with a severe burn-out.
    Caused by self-doubt & consequent insomnia.
    After all these fruitful(?) years.
    I fell back into myself from a world that I considered mine.

    Now I am trying to bend creative processes the other way. What a task!
    At first the sky seemed to be the limit and yet anxiety lures again.
    Practical issues and wanting instant solutions.

    Inspiration… yeah. Materialization… well, to a certain extent.
    Yeah, the one thing I learned is that there’s only 24 hours in a day.
    Anxiety… it’s such a ‘delicious’ trap.

    Lots of luv’,
    E

  29. avatar
    coogly moogly | 17 January 2012 at 1:39 pm #

    you gotta a break through coming just wait and see.

  30. avatar
    Linda | 17 January 2012 at 1:56 pm #

    Dear Steve I hope you get a nice big cash windfall soon so you can create without pressure! I know the rent in Bondi must be crippling.
    I like the way you say ‘a god’. Wouldn’t the world be a better place if everyone had their own god, free of shackles! Just watched Bill Maher’s ‘Religulous’. Only 16% of Americans don’t adhere to any religious organisation. I was surprised to see that Australian had only a slightly greater figure of 20%. No wonder the world is so fucked up!

  31. avatar
    Michel | 17 January 2012 at 7:49 pm #

    Time flies so quickly…
    See http://merch.thechurchband.net/priest-aura-30th-anniversary-cd/
    2022 already !! (just a joke)
    Have a break, Mr Kilbey.
    Rest a lot.
    Enjoy the sun and the beach with your family.
    Forget the fans, the spotlights, the noise, the blog (oh no, not the blog !) for a while.
    Don’t worry about us, we have Isidore to keep us warm this winter, and hopes for nice music from the Opera House soon…

  32. avatar
    Estelle M | 21 February 2012 at 12:44 am #

    – and for all these reasons you are truly an Artist.
    It’s an eternal struggle but we’d have it no other way.
    ‘i work on things in my head
    i can’t keep track of all this on the outside’
    I can relate to this so much.

    Keep swimming.


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