posted on October 30, 2007 at 2:41 am

the other day
i was doing yoga
i was stretching and breathing
breathing into it
i noticed it
not for the first time
but i focussed all my wayward attention on it
the ball of anxiety almost permanent
in the pit of my stomach
a ball of nonspecific worries
that 1st started to coalesce
around the time i hit kindergarten
growing and growing
exercising control over me
always dangling the next catastrophe over my head
or in event of none
it dregs up old painful memories
to sustain itself
it rarely relaxes its grip
drugs make it shrink away
but they exacerbate it too
when they run out
and it gets even more power
a shadow a threat a menace
implying that everythings black
what is its purpose?
what is its nature?
how to defeat it
become aware of it
there it is
maybe in your throat
maybe in your chest
in your guts
in your head
all of the above
become aware of it
whenever you feel happy or
that you accomplished something
it whispers yes but……
it whispers
yes but
i know you
and i know youre bad
and i know your secrets
and all kinds of unfortunate things
are coming your way
and you did this and that
you said such and such
you ran out on x
you ran out of y
you ran over z
it tells you
most people hate you
you are a fraud
your achievements are a joke
it can always find a chink in your achilles heels armour
it feeds off jealousy and envy and guilt and shame
and then it sits there
it is part evil spirit
it is part blocked chakras
it is part acid and bile
it is part thought
it is part physical
it is part nerves
its an all purpose trans-dimensional mofo
an intangible thing ruining everything as much as it can
i seem to be sharing this body with the one ive got
its been fucking with me
putting me off
sledging me
catcalling and heckling
frightening me
dismaying me
putting a bad spin on events
demanding a recount that finds that i lose
anyway
the other day
i finally isolated it
there it was
malingering in my stomach
tense and moody and full of fire
fire that burns off my carefully cultivated energy reserves
it longs to flare up
it longs to tighten
or explode
it longs to dominate and destroy
so there i am
face to face with this guerilla adversary
attacking me from within
a spy and a traitor
i think 1st of all
im still here
so none of your predictions came true
2ndly i think that whether you make me worry
or not
any bad things will not be averted
they will still come anyway
so then why worry
3rd i think im going to release you
and im not going to listen to you anymore
and then
i breathed it all out
it took a few breaths
to get rid of it all
quite a few
it was after all unwilling to leave
finally i enjoyed a few days of respite
calmed down a little
and handled all the curved balls getting chucked at me
gee life was nice without that handicap
without that handbrake
however it has since crept back bit by bit
and silently almost back at full strength
residing again within this body
seems you gotta cast it out
a few times
before it will leave you alone
maybe its an ongoing process
like cleaning yer teeth or something
anyway
i feel like i made progress on this
itll be like freeing up space in a computer
or getting rid of a big fat tick
or getting rid of worms and crabs and lice and scabies
or seeing the last of a cold or a flu
or the end of a bully at school
ha
i can feel the bastard now
ok
im gonna go outside and do some work on him
i aint standing for it anymore
i will not share my innards with Nagging Doubt

57 Responses to “Nagging Doubt”

  1. avatar
    Olde Amps | 30 October 2007 at 3:38 am #

    That olde fella “Nagging Doubt” is a prick. We have an “on again off again” relationship. When he visits I wonder what I ever saw in him. He returns and I wonder why I let him. He is a nincompoop indeed…and I am a silly sod for allowing him inside the house.

  2. avatar
    Centuryhouse | 30 October 2007 at 3:44 am #

    I am very interested in what you’ve said here. As a matter of fact, it always piques my interest a little when you talk about meditation or breathing. I’d like to try it but am not sure how to start.

    That nagging doubt you have in your stomach, is like the fear/anxiety that I have over my whole mind & body. Some tough things happened around me when I was young and it triggered something that’s never gone away, that’s become a part of my being.

    I can feel it there everyday working against the person that is “me” but…not sure how to expel it. It permeates my existence, like some defense mechanism that’s acted to harm me rather than defend me.

    Enough about me… I guess what I’m saying is that I’m interested in what you’ve said and hope someday you’ll talk more about how you ‘got into’ your meditation/breathing stuff, and how a person can make it work. I’ve read various texts about it but it didn’t seem workable to me, so I’m more interested in hearing the no-BS version from someone that does it.

    Good blog.

  3. avatar
    Melissa | 30 October 2007 at 3:59 am #

    For someone who has been a complete worry-wort for most of her life, I can relate to almost every word you’ve written here! When you stop and really listen to the internal dialogue you have chattering away in your head 24/7, it’s really staggering the amount of cruel rubbish you tell yourself. It’s such a difficult process to learn how to switch it off … but I agree, yoga is one of the best ways to do it! More than anything, I’ve found it teaches you to be kinder to yourself (and I’ve always thought the world would be a better place if everyone practiced it!)

    Don’t mean to make this sound like a silly suggestion.. but I’ve always found Bach’s Rescue Remedy to work a treat when thing’s get a bit overwhelming. I need to remember to take some before plane travel which is starting to make me freak out more than usual!

    All the best SK 🙂

  4. avatar
    Thelonious | 30 October 2007 at 4:02 am #

    Hey SK, very perceptive. I too have this thing that I share which lives in my guts & drives me round. Nothing I’ve tried helps & I’ve tried meditation, yoga etc. Mine won’t let me sit still. Not even for a moment. I have no peace. Let us know how you go. Regards to all. Listening to Scott Tinkler & Simon Barker Lost Thoughts, for anyone who’s interested.

  5. avatar
    Anonymous | 30 October 2007 at 4:13 am #

    damn,psyche!nobody’s handed round the jaffas to the nagging doubt,hey?…i think we all made a subconscious agreement with our own personal version of that.i beleive that meditation is amazing for dealing with these buggers.if you can visualize the nagging doubt being taken from you,then i would imagine that your spirit is in tune with your mind,and with the help of the body,is now giving it a grand send off…i do a little visualization exercise with the children in my life..if they have got the “crankies”,i tell them to lift up all that “cranky” in both hands…now throw it on the floor….now stomp on it…like REALLY stomp on it!..its amazing to see how short of a time it takes to turn into a laughing fest!…yoga is serving you very well Steve…have a lovely day!peace,and love . as always,gen xxxxx

  6. avatar
    sharka | 30 October 2007 at 4:32 am #

    Barry Long talks in length about this ball of “residual unhappiness” that lives in the gut in the book “Ridding Yourself of Unhappiness”. It has been republished as “Only Fear Dies”.

    He said the heavy ball of negative emotion is gotten rid of by placing sustained attention upon it.

    I have also given a bit of thought to it in the past. I think it has also been described as “existential tension”.

    Good luck in clearing it!

  7. avatar
    Anonymous | 30 October 2007 at 4:39 am #

    we walk on our feet,all day!..and neglect them.we function as human beings ,and neglect the core of things because that is the path of most apathy!…and then we fall into mediocrity,and sadness…be gonne evil ones!{ha ha!}meditate!she’ll clear it up for you..have no doubt!….{now if i could just take my own advice ,completely,instead of assuming that i’m not worthy of liberty from “nagging doubt”….}…xxA

  8. avatar
    Richard | 30 October 2007 at 4:45 am #

    Sounds a bit like what I’ve heard described as ‘imposter syndrome’.

    I have it in spades – the persistent feeling that it’s just a matter of time until I’ll be exposed as a liar, as a terrible husband/father, as hopeless at my job, as selfish…

    I take some comfort from the fact that many people I know and respect also say they suffer from it.

  9. avatar
    the dean | 30 October 2007 at 4:45 am #

    the great Whatif is mine. Regular meditation helps me but as soon as I’m feeling fine I leave off my introspections and slowly it returns. Keep regular.

  10. avatar
    ...being here, doing this... | 30 October 2007 at 5:04 am #

    “how to defeat it
    become aware of it
    there it is
    maybe in your throat
    maybe in your chest
    in your guts
    in your head
    all of the above
    become aware of it”

    become aware of it
    as an internal trigger
    for external reaction

    whenever the external
    threatens your peace

    stop

    look within
    for this (& other) pain

    feel it, endure it

    then choose your external response and action

    independent of the internal pain

    external events only trouble us when they activate inner pain

    it is the inner pain that we are reacting to in anger etc

    replace
    robotic, automatic reactions
    with
    a conscious response

    this is the path to freedom…

    awareness of inner pain
    and the ability to
    respond consciously,
    not react habitually

    for as long as it takes

    ~

  11. avatar
    JONNY NOT YET SO HOLLYWOODISH | 30 October 2007 at 5:19 am #

    eye feel like you were directly talking to me so eye will leave you alone once again…
    Nagging Doubt

    ps. hopelessly devoted…
    Hollywood

  12. avatar
    Anonymous | 30 October 2007 at 5:30 am #

    oh how i can identify with today’s blog…hell, it’s one of the easiest things in the world to put shit on yourself all the time and one of the hardest things to try and be kind to yourself…especially when we live in a society that bags out people who have good things to say about themselves, think ‘tall poppy’…there’s always things that i think to myself i could have/should have/would have done or not have done but i have to consciously tell myself to give me a break or that it’s water under the bridge and no amount of worry is going to change the past…what can i do to make the present and future better for me…
    love alway
    -The Hellbound Heart

  13. avatar
    better | 30 October 2007 at 5:32 am #

    I feel yu on this..
    Im so many things on the outside..relationship wise.. most people cant really place me sometimes.. I guess I transcend identity here… mexican hindu’s are pretty rare..and yet on the inside im such a conglomerate of different faces, experiences or lives rolled into one, Ive suffered episodes enough to have this stress element create a spiritual tension which I half tame with my mental approach to raja yoga, but often its not enough or im not that proficient at it.
    Maya plays a large part of it, attachment to emotion and experience leads to gravity.. Ive been practicing deep spiritual thought.. it has become a large part of how I see the world now.. Yet the sheen of Maya becomes a mirror that reflects and contorts the world Maya is both the projection of the divine and the impermanence of it, Simple eh?
    it really a trip especially living in the States, talk about sensing otherworldly spirits, I feel such an unrest here… theres a alot of trapped Karma here.. Its been difficult.. to the point where possessing this level of attention or awareness is such a heavy burden that has translated into a physical affliction.. the beautiful eyes of my Masters is so elusive to me.. I pray to see and reflect such love…

    I received this book from my brother, called “The Four Insights” Wisdom, Power and Grace for the Earthkeepers…by Alberto Villoldo… (I highly rec) it is serving as an amazing link between the Vedanta teachings and the modern meta/physical interpretation of the world.. the transformation of the soul, the identification of its distinct characteristics and how to reference and empower them..
    there are some concrete exercises in the book that teach self-healing, soul conditioning with regard to clearing the chakras and meditation with variation of purpose…

    the Soul upon remembering acquires gravity of experience and we must constantly renew and cultivate our energies… Ive been feeling real anxious, and my brother told me that the reason Im really twisted is cause he thinks I was meant to be a healer.. a bit overwhelming but not that hard to conceive for me..
    the degrees of my unrest are physical at the surface.. I realize this is a test of my soul fighting for enlightenment..

    my brothers are helping me out a bit.. They just met the 13 Grandmothers, I have a close friend who is a lakota indian and my brothers have gone to their reservation in Onieda to participate into a sweating ceremony, it is a purification ritual where the temperatures can get up to 200 plus degrees, I realize the constraints of the body are just symptoms of the spirit into the physical, we inherit so much on the Karmic levels.. its really intense.. this purification is something I know I will have to do soon..

    After I finish this book Im supposed to meet a Cura.. a lady healer.. I dont know how I feel about it a huge part of me want to be exorcised and rid of my affliction.. its manifested in my eyes..its as if Ive been given this gravity as a sort of vision quest…

    Fortunately, Ive been such a devout student of Vedanta.. and its interesting because the path of the Yogi is so matter of fact… there is not much for the inbetween.. just like our friend Yoda might say.. Do or Do not.. and maybe its just a testament to the technique and level of dedication.. in that Yogis bypass much of the self-torture and psychic scarring of physical and emotional life by enveloping themselves in the suffering of the cosmos and dealing with the world on a super spiritual level..yet through discipline they extract truth from the very depths of suffering and turn it into bliss, into communion, into love, into God…

    its changing again for me.. it aint easy..these matters of the soul…
    Its worth sharing and honoring..
    Blessings… Om Tat Sat Om..
    Be well…
    send some love….

    jaime r….

    http://www.grandmotherscouncil.com/

  14. avatar
    Anonymous | 30 October 2007 at 5:35 am #

    It sounds like you’re doing all the right things to rid yourself of the Nagging Doubt sk, but I think we all suffer from it one way or another, NO DOUBT about it!.
    Love Amanda

  15. avatar
    Faye | 30 October 2007 at 5:37 am #

    SK?i think introspective is good,but not at the expense of “humanity”.we’re all perfect…..,as is!sure it’s good to identify our triggers,but these triggers{unless they are devastatingly destructive,just make us “who we are…and just for repition’s sake…that’d be perfect!you are inspirational,as is.have never done yoga.only meditated,and dance/trance{not the modern music style,and not freaky,just an expulsion of negativie pleh!through dancing in the lounge room/garden,some good drums,or guitars lets off steam,n fire like you wouldnt believe,and clears the chakras,pores,mind,and leaves me feeling zappy,and mellow,and energized. peace .and love . xo

  16. avatar
    Anonymous | 30 October 2007 at 6:09 am #

    when it comes to the psyche,it’s impossible to recognise and empathise with another’s “nagging doubt”{and any other manner of self sabotage}unless you experience the same moments of doubt ,yourself.I’d be just projecting,to offer any advice,or wisdom on the subject,so…..can i call for a “big hug”amongst us wags,and characters,lovers,rockers,ravers,and sinners?we are after all The Ultimate,in love in action!i wish you peace Steve.i wish you sunshine,and love,and a mist of bliss to swirl over and around,and through you…always….jb x

  17. avatar
    heads,tails,and the rim of nagging doubts | 30 October 2007 at 6:44 am #

    the over achiever:heads/the rim of the coin:the nagging doubt,the stagnation,the ache/the tailside of the coin:fear of failure…it can be like a game of “red rover” to get through the walls of nagging doubt,but persistence,and coming from a place of love,will surely crash on through in the end/hence your new beginning. x

  18. avatar
    Anonymous | 30 October 2007 at 6:57 am #

    “heads tails rim.”i couldnt agree more.i know a girl,just like that,as well!.sometimes she’s got that nagging doubt licked.sometimes,she’s a lump of insecurity…faith hope,and good wishes to all of us…..miss B

  19. avatar
    isolde | 30 October 2007 at 7:41 am #

    all the stuff you are doing is good there is something else you can do and that is rational thinking, there’s a book by albert ellis called a new guide to rational thinking that helps you to really look critical at your own thought patterns and to separate your emotions from your thoughts
    but its also necessary i think to visit a psychiatrist who does cognitive therapy go once a week for a few months and they will help you work through stuff and hopefully challenge you, you need to find a down to earth dr though
    a lot of it is really questioning the thought patterns and mental habits we assume are right cos we grew up with them, but a lot of them could be very negative and limiting, especially baggage from the 50’s about knowing one’s place etc
    it worked for me and i think its really important to do this cos otherwise this anxiety doesn’t just drive oneself nuts but also those around, especially ones kids, cos there is nothing more limiting than having angry anxious controlling parents
    sometimes it is good to forget about yourself and get a sense of comfort and security by doing things which serve other people without controlling them, you know be an instrument of service without having to engage in a personal or creative or directorial role, the sorts of things i am thinking of can be quite mundane and menial, simple service without a complex relationship and dedication to a greater cause helps to keep those sorts of worries at bay
    sometimes it can be psychic energy from channelling, and manifests as creativity or destructiveness
    sometimes it can be fear which is justified as your body may be telling you something, but maybe the fear patterns in your brain are overloaded and addicted to adrenalin, your brain maybe thinking of these things to feed your body’s craving for the rush of fear
    same as people who are addicted to adventure sports for the rush
    every time you think something it causes a chemical reaction in your body
    so need to have balance in life occupations plus as soon as you get defensive and closed it is time to retreat and do more work
    excellent progress though like i said i am impressed

  20. avatar
    Anonymous | 30 October 2007 at 7:50 am #

    or

    …it could just be an ulcer.

    B.Bon

  21. avatar
    12str | 30 October 2007 at 8:05 am #

    i guess its a part of the creative process… the nagging doubt can be a powerful muse aswell as it can be the mother of all pain wich just exist without any reason we can see… it makes us go deeper into ourselves to find that reason in some sort of selfhealing perspective. if you can put the words to what you find there might be a poet in you..to be able to describe this in lyrics must be the best therapy there is…use the nagging doubt instead of letting it get to you…

    on the other hand… what the fuck do i know…my nagging doubt isnt that hard to cope with….i guess theres different levels of this..

    anyway

    love

    pat

  22. avatar
    Dark Eyes | 30 October 2007 at 8:56 am #

    Hi Steve,
    Once again you open your heart and reveal your honesty, thank you for
    following your destiny and giving
    yourself to producing such instinctively beautiful music for our enjoyment, it really helps us along our life’s path. Like my beautiful Dad said to me earlier this year before his tide ran out,
    “Never underesitmate yourself”.
    Hope to see you on the Sunshine Coast, really need a fix of The Church! Love to all,
    Beck x

  23. avatar
    lily was here | 30 October 2007 at 10:41 am #

    Mr Self-Doubt. What a loser! He’s not quite as insidious as Mr Self-Loathing but equally as powerful, always wants to take his victims down with him. Im not totally sure if he feeds fear or creates it. But you’ve got all the tools & weapons you need right here in your life to fight the big bastard… support, encouragement, positive vibes and a black belt in love.
    x
    ps the fact that you THINK about your “dad rating” automatically raises it up a notch or two.

  24. avatar
    Anonymous | 30 October 2007 at 10:50 am #

    Most people DO hate me.
    My achievements ARE a joke.
    My dad was a coal miner and my mum was a fuckin pub toilet cleaner.
    I’ve got degrees coming out of my arse and I’m a fuckin archaeologist – and all it means to them and the people I grew up with is that I’m a pune and a wimp, and probably a faggot, cos I don’t do a heavy manual job in industry. My doubts don’t nag – they’re embedded like teeth.

  25. avatar
    bob calvert | 30 October 2007 at 10:52 am #

    ‘…the nagging choirs of memory, squirming from their flesh to machinery…I would have to cut…’

  26. avatar
    verdelay | 30 October 2007 at 10:54 am #

    Watch your thighs

    We are not alone

  27. avatar
    Daberhasher | 30 October 2007 at 11:49 am #

    awareness is all we fool humans can hope for, and you’ve got it in spades Mr. K… this blog is a resonator for many i’m sure…

    sometimes the wind is onshore,
    sometimes the wind is offshore…
    i tend to remember the offshore days when i find myself “aware”,
    rather than just “beware”…

    oooh, my fingies are icicles and my head is on fire, up all night praying to the porcelain god…
    sick for Halloween?!? what kind of trick is that??? bullocks…

    aloha,
    erik

  28. avatar
    NickF | 30 October 2007 at 11:50 am #

    many creative types suffer from a nagging little problem the medical field likes to call OCD, or “obsessive compulsive disorder”. i’d bet a sugar free red bull you may have a touch…..

  29. avatar
    Candy | 30 October 2007 at 11:57 am #

    Tear it all away! love . 🙂 x

  30. avatar
    veleska1970 | 30 October 2007 at 12:10 pm #

    good on ya for making the effort to rid yourself of that “bastard”. it will just eat away at you.

    Nagging Doubt is a lot of our own creation~~we think we can’t or aren’t good enough to, so we allow ND to come in and take up residence. so, he’s just a figment of our imagination, yes.

    i’ve lived with one just about all my life, too, but within the past few years i’ve been chipping away at him, and i think i’ve just about succeeded in getting rid of him.

    continue to work on him.

    lotza love…..

  31. avatar
    daniel12 | 30 October 2007 at 12:40 pm #

    Make sure you avoid passing it on to others.

    Thats how those darn things grow and replicate themselves.

  32. avatar
    matthew | 30 October 2007 at 12:44 pm #

    I don’t know much SK, but it sounds like repressed grief to me. I get that same feeling in my stomach when I need a good cry, I try to tune in to some music that will bring it up and get rid of it. Of course that’s just me, but it works for me. It starts in my stomach and moves up til I can “feel the feelings”, as wanky as that may sound.

  33. avatar
    John | 30 October 2007 at 1:14 pm #

    “the ball of anxiety almost permanent”

    Dude, that is what defines my godamn LIFE.

    My unborn child will probably be cursed with it too.

    John Garratt

  34. avatar
    Anonymous | 30 October 2007 at 1:16 pm #

    bob calvert’s here! Hiya…

    yes, breathe-work works; it could be physics

    Starfighter1

  35. avatar
    gregra&gar | 30 October 2007 at 1:55 pm #

    ‘T’would appear that we all have that guy that grades us, upbrades us and tells us we’re headed to hades, but looking at folks who have killed the bastard makes his negativity good company. The rampant conscienceless confidence of the neocon leadership in US, UK, Israel, Australia (USUKIA) and other sycophantic dependent victims is enough to welcome ones skepticism of oneself as a sign of health. The other extreme of believing this examiner’s worst diagnosis leads to suicide. Like everything else in life it is finding dynamic balance as in the stability of the lotus, yin/yang, establishment/heretic. The threshold, the airlock between hermetically sealed thoughts and their expression through words and deeds should be a very profound examination of intent and efficacy especially in matters of high passion, which, it seems, is the life of the artist in us all.

  36. avatar
    Anonymous | 30 October 2007 at 2:42 pm #

    Kilbey, you’re almost as good a lyricist as Bob Calvert. He’s a 10, you’re a 9.5

  37. avatar
    Brien Comerford | 30 October 2007 at 2:43 pm #

    The free-floating anxiety, panic attacks and guilt that have consumed me started back in 1980. They destroyed an engagement and two other relationships. For ten years I incessantly jogged, ran and played tennis for self esteem and to rid myself of the anxiety. SEven years ago I gave up the excercise and have gained inordinate pounds. Need medication and alcohol to sedate. I’m an unpardonable sinner. I love God, Family, animals, vegetarian food, a few women a few friends, writing, music, Steve Kilbey, Chrissie Hynde, Jeff Beck, Tom Scholz, Moby, Macca, Steve Vai, Annie Haslam, St. Martin De Porres, Empedocles, Gandhi, John Wesley, Cesar Chavez and the possibility that death is not the end, it may be a transformation to a better place or higher state.

  38. avatar
    rubikon | 30 October 2007 at 3:26 pm #

    I don’t know..

    I just think there is a price to pay for everything.. and your “Nagging Doubt” is the price you’ve had to pay for the creative talent you have – you probably wouldn’t be who you are without it.

    Maybe all creative people have a degree of it – I’ve had a degree of it at least all my adult life (and this is not just me saying ME TOO!). But the talent you have …you’ve probably got it/had it in buckets and spades.

    How do deal with? Dunno really..maybe you’ll just have to learn to accept it as part of you and learn not to listen to it so much – perhaps you can cast it out.

    All I can say is ..it does get better 🙂

    I never thought that one day I would be attempting to give you advice 🙂

  39. avatar
    Anonymous | 30 October 2007 at 3:36 pm #

    Steve, when you came to London in 1978, were you still there in October when Bob Calvert fronted that Hawklords tour? If so, did you see it?

  40. avatar
    fantasticandy | 30 October 2007 at 4:08 pm #

    it figures…..
    if you want do rid yourself of doubt….
    stop caring…stop trying
    just stop.

    it’s not going to happen is it?

    a lucky leif to all!
    andy L.

  41. avatar
    Anonymous | 30 October 2007 at 4:16 pm #

    i have faith ,and love,and light ,in my life.they give nagging doubt it’s marching orders.i am blessed,and so very grateful,and so so very very fortunate.what a wonderful life!thank-you SK!nagging doubt doesnt deserve you as a host.tell it where to go……cwx

  42. avatar
    Cee | 30 October 2007 at 4:32 pm #

    finally i enjoyed a few days of respite

    por fin disfrute unos dias de descanso

    ritual:
    write down what nags at you and then burn it, or bury it…tonight would be the perfect time.

    Happy Samhain

  43. avatar
    kat | 30 October 2007 at 5:16 pm #

    ND (nagging doubt) tangles with guilt, indecision, and being extremely tough on yourself + life as it is. it can cause a vicious cycle with self esteem, loyalty, faith, procrastination, etc…. torn. i also sometimes think worry manifests thru inheritance. even to go back and read this is tiring. wish i could turn it all off! pressure.

    luv to sk et. al..

  44. avatar
    John | 30 October 2007 at 7:25 pm #

    Steve,

    I knew that anxiety beast well for a spell after my Dad died. I think in some small measure it had always been there lurking behind the static of life waiting to pounce. When depression hit I opened that cage and turned loose the beast. I was ripe for the taking.

    I let it steal my life for a while. It kept me laying in bed counting the thumps of my heartbeat, racing to the hospital with panic attacks, fearing everything, scared to death of dying, focusing way too much on myself and all my worries.

    Then one day something very strange happened to me, on a cruise ship of all unlikely places. It was something so simple, but from the moment I stepped off the ship, I left that shadow of death behind me.

    I’m glad I found the answer my own way and kicked that beast in the mouth. It was a total re-birth for me. I hope you find your way out of the reach of anxiety’s prodding as well. You’re a wise “old” sage so I’m sure you will one day, one way or the other.

    John

  45. avatar
    davem | 30 October 2007 at 7:52 pm #

    If ever I express similar feelings my Mother-In-Law advises me that I need Jesus. If only it were that simple…..
    Steve – if you have these doubts with your gifts and achievements then I truly am fucked!!
    So, I’m off to the foot of the cross as the Ma-In-Law endorses. Look out for a bald, old twat handing out tracts whilst wearing a P=A t-shirt near you soon. That’ll be me.
    Jesus loves yooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu. Which reminds me I’ve got to burn my copy of limbo!!!
    Love to you Steve and all fiends.
    xx
    x

  46. avatar
    restaurant mark | 30 October 2007 at 8:15 pm #

    “its an all purpose trans-dimensional mofo”

    nagging doubt…that voice inside…anxiety…whatever each us have named ours…i think most of us have it in some form or another. mine just floats around in there looking for a place to hang out each day to cause trouble. it loves when i feel self satisfied with anything. usually find’s some way to put a bad take on things. if i’m already down…well that’s just instant access to the trouble spots or weaknesses or whatever i’m calling them that day. but at the same time…maybe i need that voice…not as much of it, no doubt, but just enough to keep me from being totally arrogant and cocky. or, maybe i’m just trying to justify it’s presense cause i can’t seem to get rid of it…i don’t know…that’s all i got?

    take care

    mark

  47. avatar
    steve kilbey | 30 October 2007 at 8:55 pm #

    to answer calvert question:
    the hawklords were cancelled in london due to
    their light show which contained fireworks
    but i saw bob read from centigrade 232 (??)
    bought a copy got it signed n lost it
    i chatted to him for 5 minutes
    he was nice
    why did god take him so early
    and leave all those other turkeys?
    ah its the spirit of the age….

  48. avatar
    Anonymous | 30 October 2007 at 9:42 pm #

    is it the spirit of the age,daylight savings,or nagging doubt…which finds one riding one’s computer chair{sans child},up and down the hallway,at 7 o’clock in the morning,with a wooden spoon as a paddle?…i’m having one of those “nagging doubt free”times. …/ChW x

  49. avatar
    stevep63 | 30 October 2007 at 10:11 pm #

    ye olde nagging doubt!one of my old friends as well.He never seems to go away does he,if i try something new something different he’s always there in the background hanging around.Trying to tell me i’m not good enough,or what if this happens what if that happens.went to a new job yesterday,i’ve been doing the same thing for 28 years and thought i need a career change,i spent days with mr nagging doubt in my stomach telling me this,that and the other.In the end evrything was fine,looking forward to some new challenges now.Although i’m sure he will be back poisioning my way of thinking.

  50. avatar
    syrinx | 30 October 2007 at 10:16 pm #

    I passed your entry, Nagging Doubt, along to my best friend Steph in Floreeda this morning. She does yoga on the beach at dawn and runs from demons in the pit of her belly too. Especially the ones that tell her she is a fraud. She is the smartest girl I know, and so accomplished, refuses to believe it about herself. She had this to say:

    (with regards to Steve Kilbey:)

    “Please send him my appreciation for putting that experience into words – there’s something powerful about learning that one is not the only one to have lived those feelings.”

    Steph says thanks.

    (She is leaving a lucrative job for environmental-related work on how to save the Floreeda ecosystem.)

  51. avatar
    syrinx | 30 October 2007 at 10:38 pm #

    Footnote: I have to sneak these things in on her. Anything to be found on the net, that is. Her current work is programming-related, so I can’t usually persuade her to even VISIT a site, much less click on a YouTube link.

    She did love your piece about the Floridian “jungle” when you guys were on the Uninvited tour.

  52. avatar
    timf | 30 October 2007 at 10:52 pm #

    i believe you are correct to one extent or another we all have nagging doubts some deal with them better than others..

    haven’t practised yoga much, but do enjoy the qigong, suppose with the deep breathing the dispelling of such toxic elements could be achieved through qigong?

    whatever the method,sk wrestle the fucker to the ground and let love rule!

  53. avatar
    Anonymous | 30 October 2007 at 11:19 pm #

    too numb to care!…cw

  54. avatar
    Anonymous | 31 October 2007 at 12:56 am #

    It sounds like ND helps you pinpoint where you could be doing better. Befriend it. If it really illuminates a truth for you, do something about it. If it doesn’t resonate, banish it.Like everything, ND paradoxically is not all bad.

  55. avatar
    Ethereal Butterfly | 31 October 2007 at 5:40 am #

    I have been observing, when I can, most days, this engaging space for just over a month. I haven’t joined this lively community, as I have been waiting for the blazes and fireballs to extinguish. I have really enjoyed the fiery discourse but I’ve been wishing to see if while people (members of this community) can get fiery with each other, that it could be conducted with dignity and respect, which is evident now. Am not altogether qualified to join as I’m not a muso but I really enjoy the blogs and the some of the repartee and reflection that follows. (The fawning however, is what one has to expect to a degree, however sickening it is, but on another level, it provides an additional colour to the rainbow of responses.) The title of the blog The Time Being was one of the attractions besides the Blogs and my appreciation of Killer’s music lyrics & free-form poetry. An artist who exposes their inner and outer being, without self-consciousness, through their art is truly living the artistic existence, and that is what we are all so attracted to here. The Sufi mystics knew of the pain of the artist and this is identified as the number 4 on the Enneagram. Fans of Kate Bush will recall her song ‘Rolling the Ball’(?) “…they read me Gurdjieff and Jesu…”
    Sufi Mystics, Gurdjieff (who brought this knowledge to the west at the turn of the century), Ichazo, Naranjo – Great teachers, (that many of you may already know)
    Who imparted their knowledge of

    The origin,

    Being – the ultimate or true nature of everything,

    The Soul – manifestation of our Devine nature – Being,

    Each of us a unique arising of Being

    When we experience Being within ourselves we

    Return to Essence

    But in the meanwhile………………………………………………………………… all 9 archetypes identified on the Enneagram have in some way lost their connection with Being. The Sufi’s and Gurdjieff etc, have the answers to much of our suffering in relation to our personality archetypal suffering and tendencies. Sandra Maitri’s Book The Spiritual Dimension of the Enneagram is a great introduction.
    Welcome to being alive Killer & all of us…

    ………………PEACE

  56. avatar
    Anonymous | 31 October 2007 at 3:40 pm #

    That’s a bit condescending for a self-professed deep thinker, but I think there’s a crayon in the box for that too. Hi.

  57. avatar
    Anonymous | 1 November 2007 at 1:01 am #

    Read Eckhart Tolle’s Power OF Now. That will get rid of it.


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