posted on September 20, 2008 at 8:24 pm

the ‘umble servant of yer majesties
steven john kilbey
here i am
bright as a button
sunday morning
i even work on sundays
just for your esteemed pleasure
no job too big or too small for the time being
painting singing writing
knocking out the best songs in twenty years
i mean the people have spoken
i wake up on sunday morning
feeling myself floating in a warm sea of kudos
and goodwill
hoping you all out there
appreciate how hard it was to write that best song
ah but theres the rub…..
theres the moral…
it was easy
it took no time at all
like buying a lottery ticket
or boarding a doomed plane
or fertilizing an egg
or shooting a barn
fate deals the cards
everything aligns
you come to a fork
either way : everything will change after this
sometimes i feel like i’m so close to working it all out
othertimes i’m sucked back into the bickering humdrum
i do feel like that
as writer of this best song
i should get the rust cut out of tibor free
and my front 2 teeth are chipped n need crowning
and a few other lurks n perks i could use too
look…its ludicrous
i should be made the national songwriter laureate
i should be stuck on some big stipend
and moved into a stately house
and i’d write songs for australia all day
(or any other country..
…if theres one interested reading this)
what do you want me to do…?
i could breeze around parlyment
knocking out pomes n paintings of the senators
i’d be an asset to any govvyment
i’d make everyone so habby….!
really it is a crime tho
look i’m too modest to do it for myself
or i’d go n tell ’em to sort me out proper
its a national disgrace
that the writer of the best song
should have weak water pressure in his shower
or little cockroaches in his keyboards
or neighbours waking him up from his deep sleep
the govt should recognize me now
before its too embarrassing for everyone involved
give me the dough and the luxurious gaff
put my kids in grammar school or something
give me an office staff and a driver
plus a license to kill
plus access to secret information…of course, why not..?
and anything else i feel i may bloody well want
revenge on some kids who picked on me at school
ha ha
imagine trackin’ em down
i’d turn up at their work with 2 govt thugs
hey knucklehead….
remember the time you stuck an ice cream
down the back of my shirt…?
and then i’d have my thugs
plaster the clown in devils food cake…
you just dont go around treating the writers of best songs that way
you show a little politesse
i know you know this already my fiends
oh god they’ll miss me when i’m gone
the last of the best
the cleanest star they ever had…
look australia is not drowning in renaissance men
its a cryin’ shame i gotta point it out to ’em
but theyre a bit thick , over here sometimes
they cant see which way up the breads got its non dairy spread
anywhere else would have snapped me up by now
given me a position or a title
a consultancy
youre some “straight” man
you come to see me for advice
advice in bohemiamness and all things hippy
i could burn you a popul vuh cd
or read you something from mervyn peake
or roll you a number
sit you down
and direct inject 80 minutes of pure painkiller
in to your numb skull
because my bass guitar cures the blues at 20 paces
(does anyone reading this ever think i’m a little self-obsessed?)
i could scuff up yer shoes
and spill paint on yer sleeves
i could run you through the greek roman norse and hindu pantheons
or explain the difference
between steve peregrine took n mickey finn
i could show you a yoga pose i found helpful with….*
*(insert your malady du jour here)
or just….
summer usurped spring here yessaday
it was too hot
and i felt like a strange old stranger in a real strange land
every now an then i realise
i’m a northern hemi type
marooned down here
in this sun blasted place
in the afternoon seeking cool air
the fambley n i
fled to the cliff tops at watsons bay
where the mighty heads open up to the pacific
and sydneys magnificent harbour doth begin
eve kilbey running hither n thither doing cartwheels
shes hit the cartwheel stage just like elli n minna did
they were forever kicking me in los cojones
trying to do cartwheels in my old flat in sthlm
aurora more like me…no cartwheels for her
but evies like a bleeding acrobat
shes also running round screaming at the top of her lungs
she is so exuberant n full o’ energy
will you bloody well keep it down i say a hundred times
but she is indomitable
as usual as per sydney
dogs have fouled this beautiful park everywhere
youre standing there looking out to sea
on the very eastward edge of the land
a sheer drop of thousands of feet
you see seagulls wheeling below…..
and yet
the whole time you gotta watch out for…..yechhh!
sorry folks
i say
no doggies in the city
death penalty for uncleared up muck
cause i’m over it
we live in fucking paradise with dogs muck everywhere
you go to the nicest poshest most whatever suburb
and there it is
an outrage!
a truly disgusting blight on civilization
some harsh new penalties must be introduced
maybe when turnbull is pm
he can wade into the eastern suburbs dogs muck issue
maybe only he can truly take it on….
to add insult to injury
i am drinking from a water fountain
when a disgusting dog leaps into my face
licking at me and the water
i stand up and fix the fleabitten mongrels stupid owner
a steely reproving look
he merely says
you shoulda slapped him down mate…!
oh i see
it was my fucking fault
i should be having a drink of water
and slapping down a strange mutt
whose imbecile has let them run amok
i dont know bout where you live
but bondi cant afford anymore dogs
they even are going on the frickin’ boardwalk at the beach
the owners think its their right
for their dog to go and do it anywhere…!
hey look i got a rant going here
muse: and all yer rich dog loving subscribers switching off..
oh not so hasty there
oh look i love animals…honest
and small children
and old people
and the “straights”
and the ‘ippies
and the gay and happy people
and the football fans wherever they may roam
we take em all in
the time being will not refuse a soul
heres a green dream for little poochie

38 Responses to “nearly one million read”

  1. avatar
    Hellbound Heart | 20 September 2008 at 10:48 pm #

    man, that was hysterical! couldn’t stop laughing…i reckon we should have a bronze statue of sir killlabee made and put smack bang in the middle of martin place in sydney…mind you, it’d be pigeon shit and not dog crap that would be the bane of your existence…i’m a dog owner and i couen’t agree with you more, matey…the world is not a public toilet, is it…
    good morning, thomas, you sexy beast!!
    love always…

  2. avatar
    Hellbound Heart | 20 September 2008 at 10:49 pm #

    bloody hell…COULDN’T….adhfjbuajffkfnkifnafkngjfjfn….

  3. avatar
    veleska1970 | 21 September 2008 at 12:02 am #

    “its a cryin’ shame”
    yeah, it IS. but, we’ve all said that repeatedly, again and again and again.

    i don’t know about sydney’s parks, but around here if you don’t pick up after your critter, you get a hefty fine. but i say that a pet is a responsibility, and if you aren’t responsible enough for have one, then you shouldn’t!!

    lotza love….

  4. avatar
    damien | 21 September 2008 at 12:19 am #

    Don’t back away from your dog sentiments,Steve. I agree. Dogs are the most pointless and unnecesary lifestyle accoutrements of the modern age. The only things more pointless and unnecessary are the lives of people who own said animals and believe that the rest of us should adore their pets with the same kind of unconditional stupidity that they do.

  5. avatar
    the dean | 21 September 2008 at 1:10 am #

    Oh barker-in-the-night retribution shall come swiftly in the form of my boot.

  6. avatar
    princey | 21 September 2008 at 1:15 am #

    YOu sound so happy sk, I hope that cute chipped-tooth smile stays on your dial for a while! (i’m a (lame) poet and I don’t know ithaha!)

    As for the dog shit topic, we’ve discovered sprinkling chilli powder on the nature strip outside our house keeps the turds away!

    Have a beautiful Sunday one and all,
    love Amanda

  7. avatar
    eek | 21 September 2008 at 1:25 am #

    (does anyone reading this ever think i’m a little self-obsessed?)

    Of course not! :snicker:

    Don't ban dogs from the city, ban selfish people instead. Course that would clear out most cities pretty damned quick, but that would be a great benefit in iteself. I mean cities wouldn't be too bad if you could just get rid of all the fucking people. >:(

  8. avatar
    snowfaller | 21 September 2008 at 1:41 am #

    Where was it they were taking DNA samples from dogs to match unclaimed dog shit to the rightful owners? What a great idea. How would they like it if I took a shit in their yard?

    I just mowed over some unclaimed dog shit in my yard today. Talk about disgusting…

    Of course, it certainly isn’t the fault of the dogs – it’s the damn selfish owners. Hopefully they will get their due – very soon.

    Congratulations on the “best song” award – those of us who found you through that song of course are eternally thankful.

  9. avatar
    restaurant mark | 21 September 2008 at 1:46 am #

    steve…you crack me up…so funny and truthful at the same time. that’s the best wit…
    “its a national disgrace
    that the writer of the best song
    should have weak water pressure in his shower
    or little cockroaches in his keyboards”
    couldn’t agree more…

    love ya man…

    take care everyone

  10. avatar
    matt davison | 21 September 2008 at 1:50 am #

    You should get a dog sk or a wombat!!!Our staffy’s a shit machine….great fun cleaning up doggy poo…get to meet new friends, and feel part of our dog loving society!!!

    Thats mine in that profile pic.

    Ps move to Auckland its higest daytime temp was only 36 degrees 102 for the americans..and you could join our resident muso elite like

    guy from F Y cannibals
    Ben Harper
    Eddie Vedder (beach house in Northland)
    Guy from The The.. (Johnson)
    Frankie Stevens
    etc etc I will find some more…


  11. avatar
    Anonymous | 21 September 2008 at 2:00 am #

    get your old friend to install you as song writer laureate and K9 inforcer!

    great work for a sunday SK

  12. avatar
    Anonymous | 21 September 2008 at 2:49 am #

    painkiller arrived today!!!! i LOVE it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    -anymouse lynne

  13. avatar
    kat | 21 September 2008 at 3:00 am #

    i'm with holly, people are more of a nuisance. the only time puff is aggressive is when i need her to be. i can't stand hyper ones that are lap dogs really. i clean up after puff but she travels in such a remote area to go that she's like a human about privacy.

    ah, we should all play in a lotto, or start our own. we will have a million dollar bash in sk & the church's honor one day.

    dentistry: crap. you reminded me of my tooth sk, its got a big hole where the crown goes. lol i have to look for it.

    thanks for the great songs sk on yer page.

    i am listening to the doors.
    bird of prey/indian summer


  14. avatar
    Brien Comerford | 21 September 2008 at 3:30 am #

    It’s very clear that Sk is not an animal lover. His vegetarianism is ecological and health-based. His hatred of mynah birds is another example of his irreverence for animals.

    Don’t invoke Gandhi or Vishnu anymore Sk. True animal loving vegetarians like MACCA, Jeff Beck and Chrissie Hynde blow you and Ricky(the so -called great guitarist away!)

  15. avatar
    Anonymous | 21 September 2008 at 4:02 am #

    I never thought I would type this but
    “Go Brien”

  16. avatar
    kat | 21 September 2008 at 5:38 am #

    sk does like animals. i still say my dog is better than most people. family almost. whats that say for all of ? sorry for the luck. sad, but true.

  17. avatar
    linjo | 21 September 2008 at 5:41 am #

    I couldnt be with a man that didnt like dogs. I would think there was something wrong with him. Unfounded I know, but a sentiment thats deeply ingrained in me. If I could I would have 6 staffies (heaven sent MD!) and they would all sleep on my bed. They are the most loving companions, dont bark much, dont shed hair and talk to you. Up here most people tie a plastic bag to their dog’s collar when out walking. Linda

  18. avatar
    matt davison | 21 September 2008 at 6:01 am #

    I bloody planted my foot in my staffy’s poo today in the yard…. SK you cheeky bugger your fALT…only 15 min after commenting before…

    SK check ya e-mail…


  19. avatar
    Anonymous | 21 September 2008 at 7:07 am #

    I frequent the same areas as the old fella and I tell you he is right about the poo poo problem. There is a park in Coogee that is just beautiful to be in but every second foot fall will find canine excrement. This is the fault of their owners, not the pooches them selves and we can only surmise how they justify leaving these foul mounds in areas where children play etc. We do not keep animals as we live in a built up area. After seeing creatures as large as Afgahns and wolfhounds living in tiny apartments in Tokyo I could never do that to an animal. I did have pets as a child but I lived on the edge of a national park so it was wild and bushy, great for us and our dogs. I do recall that I loved the dogs and they seemed to love me back! There are obvious benefits from having pets; the companionship etc. but I do fear the responsibility of caring for these animals is often not taken seriously enough.

    I saw today in the paper a write up for the Tap Gallery show with a painting of yours featured in the editorial. You should seek out the lovely David Kagan at the show, he is exhibiting and is a renaissance man like yourself. I do hope the show is a roaring success.

    Au revoir,


  20. avatar
    eek | 21 September 2008 at 7:11 am #

    I had a Great Pyrenees dog (a giant breed) and one day I was at the pet food store where an employee was trying to sell me a dog food which was supposed to produce less, um, volume when exiting the dog. He was getting kind of pushy, so I just said “oh I don’t need that. I just have him shit in the neighbor’s yard” and walked off. The look on the guy’s face was priceless. 🙂

    (mind you at the time I lived in a rural area and my neighbors were all open farm fields. Nary a lawn or park in sight. Plus I didn’t actually have him go off the property to take a dump.)

  21. avatar
    fantasticandy | 21 September 2008 at 7:29 am #

    i just spent an HOUR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    writing mt BEST comment ever!
    and this fucken rotten blogger crap lost the lot!

    totally pissed-off andy!

  22. avatar
    fantasticandy | 21 September 2008 at 7:31 am #

    oh…yeah it’ll publish that tripe i just put on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I HATE BLOGGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  23. avatar
    steve kilbey | 21 September 2008 at 7:32 am #

    dear bon bon
    which paper?
    the old fella

  24. avatar
    Peter Podcast | 21 September 2008 at 8:00 am #

    Believe the Australian Govt would award said CITIZEN all kinds of honours sir!!

  25. avatar
    Anonymous | 21 September 2008 at 8:20 am #

    i recently wrote to my local council suggesting that when a dog owner is caught leaving their dogs shit behind the dog should be put down on the spot and the owner givena £2000 fine. as yet i have received no response. sounds a bit harsh you might say – but it would only take it to happen once or twice for the fuckwit dog owners to get it….that would go for allowing their beasts to run up to my sons football and piss on it as well (which happens surprisingly often)

  26. avatar
    Anonymous | 21 September 2008 at 8:21 am #

    Kat’s play lotto….dogs play B I N G O,B I N G O,B I N G O,n rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb{vego dog,of course.;D}x haha.i love your blogge.a pleasure to read,every day!thanks.

  27. avatar
    flyingbird | 21 September 2008 at 8:30 am #

    I never thought I would type this but Brien, your commments are super witty and I’ve always enjoyed it.

  28. avatar
    davem | 21 September 2008 at 8:42 am #

    I am strictly a cat man…as the scratches I live with 24/7 prove….wish I could claim they’re from mrs m!
    Still no Painkiller here, which is a worry as Altres Brian received his yesterday in Scotland. I’ve booked tomorrow off so I can stalk our postman like the dog in today’s blog.
    Love to all.

  29. avatar
    Anonymous | 21 September 2008 at 11:38 am #

    The Sun Herald. It was a painting of Mr Maymi.


  30. avatar
    captain mission | 21 September 2008 at 11:48 am #

    i love both dogs and cats, and heffalumps and woozle’s. i like all gods creatures except moths, i have an inexplicable moth phobia that freezes me in terror and makes my hair stand on end and beads of sweat form along the back of my neck. dogs are best friends, loyal and dependent and cats just are, indifferent and cool. but moths fly in unpredictable paths and have weird powder on their bodies that causes pixies and elves to die horrid slow and agonizing deaths. they also are responsible for a diminishing bee population. for its a well known fact moths are the sworn enemies of the humble bumble bee.

  31. avatar
    flyingbird | 21 September 2008 at 2:30 pm #

    But SK Is an animal lover Brien; if he’s not, then I can’t remember of who is(except you, Brien).

    His hatred of mynah bird can also be considered quite… true, though. However, I guess there are some reasons… probably the mynah birds are too annoying.

    Gandhi is a sage; Vishnu is the God. SK is SK. He doesnt want anybody to look up to him, and it is very clear.

    He who sows virtue who reaps honour. The fact that the UTMW won the best song in OZ has well proved it.

    “nothing inside” is just such a sweet song, I cant stop listening to it again and again tonight.

  32. avatar
    kat | 21 September 2008 at 4:56 pm #

    thanks u, anon @ 6:21 for reading. if i can’t get a job soon i will be out eating grass with puffer!

    mattd, your dog is adorable.

    davem, how did the football go?

    andy, you are too funny.


  33. avatar
    Anonymous | 21 September 2008 at 5:19 pm #

    glad to see the muse return. i find “her” irreplaceable”.
    i’m with sk about the dogs. especially off leash behaviour.
    course, i can’t blame the animal.
    is there an island for the owners?


  34. avatar
    Thomas Thomsen, Denmark | 21 September 2008 at 5:32 pm #

    Good evening, Hellbound Heart!

    Sexy Dude

  35. avatar
    Thomas Thomsen, Denmark | 21 September 2008 at 5:43 pm #

    I absolutely LOVE dogs. They just make me happy and put a smile on my face.

  36. avatar
    Brien Comerford | 21 September 2008 at 6:17 pm #

    I totally admire all the work SK has done for veganism and the planetary benefits of veganism.

    I’m admittedly an animal rights zealot like Chriissie Hynde, MACCA Morrissey and Merzbow. (albeit without their talents or any talent whatsoever.)

    Dogs and cats have provided me with unconditional love for 48 years. Sk knows I’m on the lunatic fringe of this issue and I do lament the fact that I become unhinged and vent too much-even at amiable, talented vegan rock stars.

    I swear that human overpopulation is the biggest problem confronting the planet’s environmental crises. Animal overpopulation when it occurs can be humanely curtailed via baiting their food havens with feed laced with contraceptives. It worked with rats five years ago in New York City.

  37. avatar
    persephone2u | 21 September 2008 at 8:22 pm #

    Why stop with Syndey? Let’s ban dogs from all cities! Oh, I do loathe the slobbery, needy, in your face creatures that leave their messes all over the place, even on the otherwise beautiful emerald grass in the little park next to the houses of Parliament which I was just cursing at only days ago. Say bye bye, doggies. Woof! *cue demonic laughter*

  38. avatar
    Anonymous | 22 September 2008 at 1:15 pm #

    It’s hilarious how much people react to these posts…dude likes dogs, he just doesn’t want to step in shit all the time.

    But BC, us veggies do appreciate your rants.

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