posted on November 27, 2006 at 8:01 pm

neville the devil
was a hell of a man
he worked for old b.el.z.bub
delivering sneezes
and straightening out speed bumps
neville the devil
had a dog named x
and a cat called pussy
he liked to walk backwards
and he smoked liquid cigarettes
he never wrote anything down
and he didnt have a motto
his mother called him gerald
his father called him reg
he often drank but seldomly
and then hardly ever
neville the devil
had a mirror
it reflected someone elses face
the previous owners in fact
many people thought it was impossible
but many others didnt think at all
the street where he lived was one way
the wrong way
there was no chance of approaching him
neville the devil was collecting souls
he needed another 3 million or so
before his master would let him
have his long service leave
in a delicious stygian pit full of she-devils
with big red breasts n slinky tails
he polished his trident and dreamed
he dreamed of all the wickedness
the bribes n the fixes
the theft n the cheating
the larceny n forgery
the rubber cheques n the phony cigars
3 million souls eh?
well it would take some doing…
neville the devil
took the bus into town
gee its hot in here today thought the driver
whats that smell of brimstone? said mrs gwen mc donald
as she straightened out her respectability
neville the devil
jumped off outside the high n low courts
he walked into the cafe and snatched a barristers soul
n 2 crooked jurors who were having muesli bars
he moved into the judges chambers
and removed chief justice witherspoons immortal essence
bah! he said
small change!
i need something bigger faster
he thought of those she-devils
and the lovely temperatures down in the darkest pits
he needed something big
he needed a caper to set up his retirement
neville the devil
swept thru the streets
every now n then
he would stop to extract some juicy soul
uh oh
here comes that greedy dentist
the one who drilled perfectly healthy teeth
n then recommended you to his brother in law
the bent orthodontist, stanley silverstone
who charged an arm n a leg
neville the devil
quickly purloined his soul
ha! he’ll never miss it chuckled our little demon
he drifted thru parliament house
helping himself to a smorgasbord of souls
one from the left
one from the right
one from the left…
oh this was too easy
besides he only got half points on politicians
so what? b.el.z.bub said
when he had delivered up the souls
formerly belonging to the leaders of the free world
what can i do with all this junk?
neville the devil
slunk down the big end of town
where the entertainment corporations towered
skyscrapers full of salon tanned ,gold jewellry wearing
podgy, comb-over ,bmw suv driving, key to the vip pissoir
talentless, wine swilling, coke snorting, meat eating
sinners
ah said n the d
mmmmm
the aromatic odour of evil….!
neville the devil
could already see his holiday villa
perched above hills of magma
while lightning lit up the darkest recess of hell
he sighed
he could almost feel the she-devils tongues of flame
and their agonizing caresses
boom boom boom
he snatched 3 black souls just like that
mmm thats quite filling he thought
as the former executive producers n ad men
squirmed round in his belly
he trawled the typing pool n the art departments
reeling in his grim harvest of spirits
something big was just around the corner
some big bad bastard so evil….
neville the devil
knew he was onto the big one
some mega-nasty soul that could set him up
with a nice hades address and his own chariot of fire…
on the thirteenth floor
was a suite of offices
the private suites of sir dennis swine-browne
the head of the music biz for the entire world
you see the big 3 had become the big 2
and then sir dennis had acquisitioned the remaining one
and now
he
and he alone
arrogant, tasteless, macho
a big hairy chest with a “leo” pendant
hours n hours of dull anecdotes
his employees had to listen to n smile
big noting name dropping
callous, rotten , useless alpha male
sir dennis hated music n musicians
he was a fucking philistine n proud of it
he didnt want no namby pamby indy bullshit
on his label….the only label now
fuck!
sir dennis thought chrissy ugly-learer was too damn artsy
sir dennis thought justin timberflake was too “bohemian”
he was looking for someone big
just like
neville the devil
who
at that moment
burst into sir dennis office
i want your soul
neville the devil said
touche
said sir dennis
have i gotta deal for you?!
neville the devil
pricked up his little red ears
whats that you say?
sir dennis laughed n lit a cigar
ha ha ma boy, i can putcha name up in lights
suddenly those she-devils n hades seemed a long long way down
can ya play guitar? asked sir dennis
nope
can ya sing or write songs?
nope!
can ya dance and move?
nope nope!
great! said sir dennis
you’ll be perfect!
and he rushed
neville the devil
into a studio….
max martin had just got a new song ready
a sizzling summer hit
for the hot one hundred
a scorching remix too
it was produced by r. mcgeddon
sir dennis right hand man
who made sure nothing good would fuck the songs chances up
the tune shot up the charts like
a bat out of..er…hell
safely ensconced at the top of the charts
neville the devil
partied with marilyn manson
“an idiot”
ozzy osbourne
“didnt say much”
and keithy urbane
“boy , he likes to part-eee!’
he visited paris
and entered the hilton by the back door
(he was so famous)
he hung out with prez bush
(“reminds me of my old boss, but stupider”)
and he did a gig in baghdad
(“my kinda place”)
in the end tho
people got sick of satanic rock
im sorry my boy but yer career is over
sir dennis texted him one day
neville the devil was finished
he looked in his mirror
and crossed n uncrossed his cloven hooves
damn
he said
damn
damn
damn

45 Responses to “neville the devil”

  1. avatar
    verdelay | 27 November 2006 at 9:25 pm #

    Ouch.

    I guess our lil rat get’s his cheese after all – three million downloads of his one flaccid hit: enough to buy that condemn-inium (way) down under.

    Shades of “The singer and his voice”. Brilliant, mate.

  2. avatar
    verdelay | 27 November 2006 at 9:26 pm #

    Ouch.

    I guess our lil rat get’s his cheese after all – three million downloads of his one flaccid hit: enough to buy that condemn-inium (way) down under.

    Shades of “The singer and his voice”. Brilliant, mate.

  3. avatar
    verdelay | 27 November 2006 at 9:27 pm #

    And I’ll say it again if you didn’t hear me the first time…

  4. avatar
    Anonymous | 27 November 2006 at 9:39 pm #

    What a nice little story to read with my morning coffee. Keeps getting funnier with each read.

    Hey, did Nev go back to work with old b.el.z.bub?

    d.

  5. avatar
    the dean | 27 November 2006 at 10:04 pm #

    an allegory of these ageless times
    even the devil gets screwed

  6. avatar
    John Garratt | 27 November 2006 at 10:26 pm #

    Who would pick a career in satanic rock over a pit of she-devils?

    John

  7. avatar
    CAPTAIN BEYOND | 27 November 2006 at 10:31 pm #

    laughing out loud…………….

  8. avatar
    Anonymous | 27 November 2006 at 11:15 pm #

    thanks for the warning, steve.
    my 16 yo daughters band had been approached by record producers and we knocked back their contracts. reading your blog, we know we did the right thing for our daughters.
    how do I send my contribution to your blog?

    margie

  9. avatar
    ambnt1 | 27 November 2006 at 11:25 pm #

    Steven,

    Did Neville the Devil have any backwards masking on his rekkirds?

    –Chris

    n.p. Slowdive, “Catch the Breeze” (shoe gazin’ gang’s compilation El-Pee)

  10. avatar
    CeciliaGin | 27 November 2006 at 11:43 pm #

    I see a series of children’s books developing here, hmmm…

  11. avatar
    JJ | 27 November 2006 at 11:53 pm #

    Ha – His Satanic Majesty done in by a force of evil even greater than his. Loved this story! His soul-collecting jives with my experience.

    We have a southern redneck devil here in the U.S., BeelzeBubba. Drives a pickup, cheek fulla smokeless tobacco and has shirtsleeves torn off at the shoulder. Votes for Bush.

    Those she-devils sounded tempting though….

    JJ

  12. avatar
    veleska1970 | 28 November 2006 at 12:37 am #

    ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!! i have some souls that is sure to get neville “back home”: bill collectors. i know a few that would fill neville’s quota in no time.

    uh, but wait~~~bill collectors have no souls. **damn damn damn**

    oh well. so much for that. sorry, neville.

  13. avatar
    veleska1970 | 28 November 2006 at 12:40 am #

    oy~~my post up above was #13. me thinks somethin’s trying to tell me somethin…..

  14. avatar
    (('{~_~}')) | 28 November 2006 at 12:41 am #

    Long service leave. Something you and I will never have.

  15. avatar
    pharaoh | 28 November 2006 at 12:42 am #

    Sir Dennis Swine-Browne… any relation to Sir Dennis Eton-Hogg?

  16. avatar
    Anonymous | 28 November 2006 at 1:45 am #

    “a delicious stygian pit full of she-devils”
    somehow i have a memory of being there myself once with my other gal pals, and we had a hell of time

  17. avatar
    captainmission | 28 November 2006 at 1:52 am #

    i notice he didn’t say, ‘god-danm.’

    love yr work steve

  18. avatar
    Dapto Boy | 28 November 2006 at 2:05 am #

    Steve I have been such a fan for over 20 years. I read this blogge maybe once a week but never make comment and I have just come accross your piece about living in Dapto. I grew up in Kanahooka from 72 until 1990 and I can relate to your experience as a timid youth in such a place. I did not like seeing the skink lizards get killed and was not much of a fighter. I did not have much interest in fast cars or rugby league. I did howver love music and surfing and this kind of gave me my place in what could be a nasty school environment at times. In the mid eighties I loved your music whilst all my friends at school were loving Motley Crue and Guns and Roses etc. I was eager to finish school and get out of Dapto. Anyway I kid you not this is a true story. I had a friend at school in my class and I liked his sister in the year below. I visited them at thier house and at the time she told me this story that Steve Kilbey lived next door in Billabong Ave. I chuckled to myself and struggled to believe that the lead singer of my favourite band in the world could possibly be a Dapto boy. You most certainly did not fit the stereotype. I did not believe her at the time and I wonder how she new as it was in 1989 that she told me this. Reading that blogge this morning makes me laugh. I may pop into the Sando tonight although I have seen you perform many times and I am off to Fiji tomorrow to celebrate the marriage of a Dapto cousin. Don’t let the blogge slow down your music making either.

  19. avatar
    bucks burnett | 28 November 2006 at 2:19 am #

    I’m sorry, could you repeat that?

  20. avatar
    Daberhasher | 28 November 2006 at 2:28 am #

    wicked good…

  21. avatar
    CSTCoach | 28 November 2006 at 3:18 am #

    A very enjoyable read.Shades of The Master and Margarita. Any spare room in your hell for editors? Please?

    ryan

  22. avatar
    Azza | 28 November 2006 at 4:07 am #

    Brilliant. But mixing with that crowd surely Neville could have picked up those 3000 souls no problem…Just hanging around in/with Paris for a day would have fulfilled the quota I would have thought!!

  23. avatar
    Anonymous | 28 November 2006 at 8:12 am #

    brilliant blogge, Mr K!
    money well spent indeed 🙂
    can really relate to this one.
    just this morning i was thinking about everything that represents ‘the devil’ and all his manifestations… people’s ignorance, their inability for compassion, their unwillingness to change, believing one thing because they’ve been brought up to believe it rather than questioning long held beliefs and traditions, going through life wearing blinkers, the hipocrits of this world, and so on.

    R. McGeddon? Wicked!

  24. avatar
    metal_petal | 28 November 2006 at 10:38 am #

    Looks like that Sir Dennis needs some handlin’

  25. avatar
    isolde | 28 November 2006 at 11:31 am #

    as Our Kylie once famously said
    “yes it’s true what they say
    it’s better the neville you know”

    just saw a headline on ninemsn and it said “Curving skyscraper to soar over Paris” and i thought … huh?

    i can recommend Paris Hilton’s
    “Confessions of an Heiress: A Tongue-in-Chic Peek Behind the Pose”
    it’s hilarious worth a speed read at Borders bookshop at lunchtime if you’re bored

  26. avatar
    restaurant mark | 28 November 2006 at 1:26 pm #

    went to paris and entered the hilton through the back door…huh?
    our little demon may need a trip to the doctor and a shot after that one!

  27. avatar
    Anonymous | 28 November 2006 at 1:26 pm #

    sk,
    i’d think lembo would have been a could catch, maybe worth a couple hundred souls right there….the bastard…….oh sorry…yes….detachment.

    btw. magician is just not a bad album at all. ms. neil rocks i guess.

    richard

  28. avatar
    carob smell | 28 November 2006 at 2:01 pm #

    nev’s boss was pulling hisss hoof
    he should have been after mrs gwen mc donald
    now there’s a bit of juice
    a sordid heart of righteous envy broods
    under all that lavender floral & white lace
    don’t let those skeleton out gweny
    it’ll be the back pew for you!
    poor old nev
    out of touch with the hard core crowd
    a golden hand shake right under his nose and it slipped away
    gweny’s lot will torch your soul for a little morning incense
    they’ll smoke you in sunday bongs
    and pray for your flashbacks
    they’ll strap you down
    and play your hcruhc records backwards with a bad needle
    hey that doesn’t sound to bad!
    how does sk do that?
    they’ll exorcise you with whips and barbed implements
    they’ll exercise you with whips and barbed implements
    don’t mess wiff em!
    they’ve got christian rock
    and it’s truly evil!!!

    so glad you could keep this going sk
    thanks
    and thanks

  29. avatar
    biggle boggle | 28 November 2006 at 2:13 pm #

    There really is only one major record co. now, isn’t there? Or there will be soon.

  30. avatar
    Anonymous | 28 November 2006 at 2:42 pm #

    But have you learnt how to pronounce ‘catechism’ yet, Steven?

  31. avatar
    Anonymous | 28 November 2006 at 2:54 pm #

    ‘Before I can send you home you have to find your way to the Halls of Hades and Persephone the Dread, to consult the soul of Teiresias, the blind Theban prophet,
    whose understanding even death has not impaired.
    For dead though he is, Persephone has left to him, and him alone,
    a mind to reason with.
    The rest are mere shadows flitting to and fro.’

    Circe said that!

  32. avatar
    Anonymous | 28 November 2006 at 3:00 pm #

    ‘Beach your boat by Ocean’s swirling stream and march into Hades’ kingdom of decay. There the river of flaming fire and the river of lamentation, which is a branch of the waters of the Styx, unite around a pinnacle of rock, to pour their thundering streams into Acheron.
    There, the souls of the dead and departed will will come up in their multitudes.’

    Circe said that an’ all!

  33. avatar
    mime | 28 November 2006 at 3:06 pm #

    Hmmm Cstcoach, I agree with you on Bulgakov, but what the hell’s wrong with editors? Can’t compare them to sir Dennis, can we?

  34. avatar
    Anonymous | 28 November 2006 at 3:29 pm #

    Steve, are you talking about your own carrer?

  35. avatar
    mandn | 28 November 2006 at 5:22 pm #

    so I gather, dear Orpheus, you’ve read about the potential EMI buyout?…

    and three becomes two.

    *sigh*

    xo
    Mary

  36. avatar
    JJ | 28 November 2006 at 7:26 pm #

    Clients of Sir Dennis? (Black Sabbath)

    http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/15922740/

    JJ

  37. avatar
    davem | 28 November 2006 at 8:07 pm #

    I’m feeling even more ignorant than usual.
    I thought EMI merger wasn’t going to happen given the power struggle with Waners and Sony.
    I’m going back to bed to nurse my naivety.

  38. avatar
    Anonymous | 28 November 2006 at 8:33 pm #

    hahahha…(sigh)…that was fun…Jen

  39. avatar
    eek | 28 November 2006 at 8:52 pm #

    Haha! That was great. Sometimes you just have to laugh at all the shit in this world. Thanks for the giggle. 🙂

  40. avatar
    sockfacepuppetmunch | 29 November 2006 at 12:09 am #

    1-2-3-4 Nev the dev wanted to score..But the truth was plain, he suffered to his core. He planted the seed in everyone’s mind that he soul was the darkest thing you would find.
    In a maze of foreign thoughts he wandered the streets in his polyester shorts..drinking from the vase with blood of thousands on his face.

  41. avatar
    Anonymous | 29 November 2006 at 12:09 am #

    What happened to the paypal link?

    ed in fl

  42. avatar
    Anonymous | 29 November 2006 at 1:05 am #

    “Al Jourgensen Sings The Church Karaoke-style”

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B74MuAL_n7E

    “You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you might even lose your lunch”

    this is fu-u-u-uny.

  43. avatar
    CSTCoach | 29 November 2006 at 3:09 am #

    mime wrote: “Hmmm Cstcoach, I agree with you on Bulgakov, but what the hell’s wrong with editors? Can’t compare them to sir Dennis, can we?”

    Only when they work violence upon my prose, amigo 😉

  44. avatar
    Mr. Neville | 29 November 2006 at 12:31 pm #

    http://french.imdb.com/title/tt0083851/combined#comment

  45. avatar
    Anonymous | 29 November 2006 at 5:45 pm #

    I AV MY OWN PERSONAL SHE DEVIL –

    GREAT PERSON, BEAUTIFUL, KIND, SEXY,GREAT FIGURE (NONE OF DEM BONES ON SHOW) COOKS LIKE ME MOTHER, LOVES THE SAME GREAT MUSIC AS MYSELF AKA ‘THE CHURCH’ PERFECT —–IS ALL MINE !!

    COULD WISH FOR NOTHING MORE
    WHEN U FIND THE RIGHT ONE…NOTHING ELSE COMPARES, YOU CAN KEEP ALL YOUR ‘SHE DEVILS’
    X

    DAVE


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