posted on July 5, 2007 at 4:41 am

he was looking around as the bus opened its doors
surely this was …no
but yes….
stockholm ….a freezing winter afternoon
outside the tube station in st eriksplan
he shivered and shook
the snow had stopped falling
the world was cold and frozen
headlights glanced off the snow and ice
and everything seemed to be saying
go away you dont belong here
it didnt matter where the bus would go….he thought
anywheres better than this here right now
he stepped onto the bus
he couldnt really get an impression of the driver
but he when he proffered some money
the man had jerked his head towards the back of the bus
a load of wretched shadows sat fidgeting in the seats
and it was cold inside
shteeve ?said the man next to me
as i sat down
halfway up the bus
shteeve…..its janne!
i peered closely in the feeble light of the bus
at the man
outside the icy suburbs went past..
remember someone pushed me under a train.. janne said
im dead now shteeve he added sadly
janne had been a 2 bit connexion down at the station
he would connect you with the man for a quarter of the pie
sometimes he even sold the stuff himself
but that had been long ago
now he mostly scrounged
now…?
now was a long time ago too
he was killed in a dodgy “accident” waiting for a train
and he’d been dead awhile
sometimes on cold days like this
i’d naively let him come to my flat
have something hot to drink
but the miserable gollum like creature just stole from me
and would then lie pathetically when caught in the act
where are we going janne i asked
to T -centralen.. he said…..where-else…?
hey mr kilbeee called out a harsh female voice
a strong looking woman
with a tough face and broad cheekbones
came up the aisle of the bus
what the fuck man? she said
carina?
ha ha ha! she roared and coughed and spat
hey everybody its my friend from australia mr kilbeee
they all came crowding around
leffe?
yes steve! said a large fat swedish guy who looked like kris kringle
leffe …didnt you hang yourself…i tried to call you that very day
yes steve ….i know
and your wife..?
yes steve shes here too
an emaciated young woman who looked like a scrawny kitten
popped her head out
hi steve she whispered soundlessly
leffe had been a cab driver
hed met his wife
a lot younger than him
she was an addict-prostitute
he worked n then bought n sold drugs
so she wouldnt have to sell herself
but of course it all went awry
he started taking the stuff himself
and she couldnt stop earning a bit extra on the side
they were dealers together
it was the saddest shambles you can imagine
she propositioned all the customers
saying
do i still have it?
pulling open a dirty dressing gown
to show you her heroin ravaged corpse like body
she gave me many free caps of the stuff
i guess i had been the sanest and nicest of all their customers
they sometimes invited me to stay and have a cuppa tea n swedish cakes
sometimes i’d go around and she had dropped capsules all over the place
they were both nodding out or asleep
people would just pick stuff up n piss off
then theyd wake up and wonder why all the stuff was gone
he got behind in his payments to the nasty people at the top o the chain
she used more n more and turned more n more tricks
and took rohypnols by the handfull
i went round there once and he was crying
after an unfatal overdose on pills
saying i dont know how to even kill myself steve…
but i figured it out in the end ,didnt i ?…leffe said
interrupted my thoughts
carina said and you know this guy…
enrico ruiz revilla ! i said
a handsome latin young guy stuck out his hand
hey man!
what happened to you, rico?
ah just an o.d. he said
enrico would meet his customers outside a certain clock in town
you had to be there at 12 or 4
he’d turn up and a swarm of hungry junkies would engulf him
as usual i used to get to know them
these misfits n outcasts selling dope on the mean winter streets
i’d get to see another side of them
you see most were lonely and friendless
and i was the only “reasonable” kind of person they knew
you dont look or act like an addict they said to me
and so they trusted me or confided in me
and sometimes i saw their homes
here was a finnish speedfreak working girl with only one arm
she hadda ask people to help her shoot up
it was not something one wanted to have to do
there was ulla the old whore
who stalked her daughter whod been taken away from her
and a greek pickpocket who nicked cream buns for our morning tea
the african guys…i never really knew all their names
a russian guy who ripped me off and….
thomas
standing tall and thin
thomas who was some kind of scholar and teacher
with a fiancee and a real house of his own
before addiction stripped him bare
and rolled him out onto the streets
thomas? what happened? i asked quietly
oh yeah hey steve..
thomas had a very upperclass accent when he spoke english
he looked like he coulda made the grade
he even got off for a long time once
but he’d retained a smouldering fascination
with the underworld
i’d seen him once
this is true
he had gotten free
he was walking thru the underground one night
with a bunch of la de dah business men n women
all swedish n correct
going out on a friday night
for a nice meal and a show
then i spotted thomas
changed now
grown healthy n clean
dressed in a suit
chatting with his friends
when by chance he saw the sorry collection of ratbags waiting to score
i heard him say to his friends
excuse me can we stop?
i want to watch this…..
and he stood and vicariously lived the whole thing
saw the money n drugs change hands
and walked away smiling…
ah but alas now
he was a hollow cheeked unshaven scruffy thomas the addict
who died miserably eventually unable to get of the stuff n pills
oh the stuff n pills
a lethal multiplying combo
thats knocks people right outta their seat
and gets em down low in jails rehabs n morgues
carina said
so you finally ended up here with the rest of us kilbeee?
but what is this bus? i asked
thomas sighed
we’re all going to score
i think youd call us hungry ghosts….
but i dont use anymore! i said looking round at them
carina laughed a big ho ho ho like a female pirate
leffe smiled and janna next to me scoffed
the whole bus found some grim merriment in this
what are you doing here then? demanded carina hoarsely
i watched the bus pull into the central station
cmon she said
time to get off!
the whole miserable crew alighted from the bus
and swarmed thru the stockholm underground
like the onset of a dismal plague
as in life
as in death
carina led the rabble and seemed to know the score
she put her hand out and the various characters
gave her 500 crowns in various denominations
mr kilbee..hurry now…i got no time to fuck about..
i numbly handed over my money
my intuition said
this is not good but it may be alright
carina disappeared down to the blue line for her rendezvous
the others were all antsy and jumpy
smoking ravenously on foul cigarettes
or arguing with each other feebly…
was this really the afterlife?
and if it was
why was i here?
thomas said
hey man if you can lend me 250 crowns
i will tell you everything
i felt in my pocket
i pulled out 2 hundreds and 2 twenties
det racker he said in swedish
its enough he said in english
my friend you are so stupid
he said with his running red nose
and his watery eyes
you are not really here at all
not like we are here
you got off the stuff and you come back?
why is everybody in your story dead?
except you i mean
and you hope…
he lit up a marlboro red and winced as he exhaled
im so fucking sick man he said
cant i lend another tva fempty
i found some more money
he snatched it greedily
i pay you back he said
sure i said
what do you fucking mean sure? he said getting angry
sure youll pay me back i said
hey fuck your dream or whatever it is! he said
the others shush shush shush
anyway says thomas presently
you need to watch yourself man
you are still alive by the way he said
you were never a proper junky anyway he added
carina suddenly came back looking troubled
there was a group wailing and gnashing of teeth
as she shook her head sadly
and then
ha ha ha ! she smiled to reveal a mouthful of little white capsules
i watched in amazement as the ghoulish dope fiends
fixed up there n then on the spot
and as each one fixed up
they slowly dissolved and disappeared
soon only carina and i were left
she spat out a cap and tossed it to me
i told ya carina im clean now i said
i know you are
she said
i got something different for you
she sat down
and got out her doings
and cooked up n then fixed a big hit
just like the cheshire cat
she laughed and laughed as she vanished
only her smiling lips remained
oh she said and she was gone
i looked down at what she had thrown me
as i undid the little packet
it started to unfold out into a map
and the map was growing and growing
a map of space and time
somewhere out there
was where i was sposed to be
i jumped into the map and headed south-past
back
way back

tbc

*

87 Responses to “nowhere fast”

  1. avatar
    zebob | 5 July 2007 at 8:57 am #

    Early bird gets the blog.
    Great stuff, Steve.

  2. avatar
    Anonymous | 5 July 2007 at 9:04 am #

    can’t believe you lived like that

  3. avatar
    adrift | 5 July 2007 at 9:27 am #

    sounds like youre in a reflective mood, esskay.. ‘i know i’ll often stop and think about them, in my life i loved them all’..

    winter does that to you, makes you reflect … but the timing makes more sense in the northern hemisphere, where winter IS the death of the year…

    reflect, but please don’t return. nasty nasty stuff that. be safe sk, we’d miss you too much..
    jane xx

  4. avatar
    fantasticandy | 5 July 2007 at 9:30 am #

    how did you ever find your way back to us?
    you got some bloody grit slim.
    luv,
    andy L.

  5. avatar
    don joe | 5 July 2007 at 9:54 am #

    I’m liking these past few daze Steve. I can feel it brewing away, a tad unkown, a tad certain…but with no certainty attached.
    Been watching from afar picking up the flow over the past few daze.. Reminisce and continue. I like it..

    ML,
    don joe

    PS: The paintings are coming along nicely. Very impressed!!

  6. avatar
    Anonymous | 5 July 2007 at 10:01 am #

    don’t you just hate public transport

    leanne

  7. avatar
    Symon | 5 July 2007 at 10:08 am #

    my intuition said
    “this is not good but it may be alright”……no Steve…you were right the first time.

    real life is often more scary than the dross that is dished up as fictional horror. Must have taken some serious fucking determination to get out of your own horror.

    Thanks for still being here with us Time Being

  8. avatar
    Anonymous | 5 July 2007 at 10:15 am #

    oooooohhhhh!….i felt so ill,just hearing the near impossible plights of “lost” souls….theres a big part of me that would love to “breastfeed the world”..but i cant and its not for me to interfere with their journeys…..i dont know if you knew…but linda was a junkie …i remember seeing her,when i was 8,and she was 17….pregnant..then married{kept her out of detention homes}and a junkie…she would come home and nick things…then i had a new baby brother {my folks adopted her son,so hes actually my half nephew ,coz shes my half sister.}…..Take that map …..and get the HELL OUTA THERE!!!…….if you need to …..call me and ill send the hovercraft to getcha…..p.s. linda later in her life,passed on some pretty sound advice to me{well,when i was 14}”dont use anything artificial to take/or have anything artificial,and its not who you hump,its who you dont hump,that counts”that was an eye opener at 14…..i tell ya….luckily i had a sister like that…ive never comprimised my body {as some of the girls i used to strip with ,did}…i loved dancing..and it was very empowering…i wish empowerment to anyone with an affliction…xxxxxxxlove as always,genx

  9. avatar
    Anonymous | 5 July 2007 at 10:17 am #

    Oooh, that was depressing, but you’re still here with us TB, so I’m smiling now.
    Hope it’s a happier adventure tommorow!
    Love always,
    Amanda

  10. avatar
    Anonymous | 5 July 2007 at 10:24 am #

    p.p.s.im so ecstatic that you got off the shit…believe it or not,i used to cry for you,and try to send you “interstellar messages of love, and ropes to hold on to”…..genx xxx

  11. avatar
    Anonymous | 5 July 2007 at 10:26 am #

    Sweden is among the best of nations to live in, but they sure do have a dark side to their society too..

    Otherwise, 63 years of social democratic rule made the place a good example for americans.

    ..Wild west capitalism is NOT “democracy”, this is the error the US citizens often make.

    Lebrinho

  12. avatar
    numb-nuts | 5 July 2007 at 10:26 am #

    This ain’t about ‘Busdriver’ then…?

  13. avatar
    Anonymous | 5 July 2007 at 10:36 am #

    …hope there’s a bus or something to a better place for my elsie…she lost the fight to hang onto her life and her poor heart was just not strong enough to keep on beating…too many heart attacks and her heart failed totally…look up in the sky tonight and you’ll see a new star…elsie’s star…
    -The Hellbound Heart

  14. avatar
    Leelinau | 5 July 2007 at 10:46 am #

    how soon is now?

  15. avatar
    Anonymous | 5 July 2007 at 10:48 am #

    h.heart…xxxxxx…love,genx

  16. avatar
    Anonymous | 5 July 2007 at 10:48 am #

    Given the average nature of the artists playing the Aus Live Earth, why aren’t the wonderful Church playing? You’d be a great spokesman for such an event.

  17. avatar
    Anonymous | 5 July 2007 at 11:16 am #

    HH,

    Sincerest condolences.

    B.Bon

  18. avatar
    isolde | 5 July 2007 at 12:32 pm #

    sweedickensian

  19. avatar
    Debby | 5 July 2007 at 12:42 pm #

    H.Heart~ our hearts go out to you! Sincerest condolences.
    Debby, James & Darien

  20. avatar
    Anonymous | 5 July 2007 at 1:07 pm #

    hey genx, are you my gen, melbourne gen?
    sorry for your loss sistergirl, but tell me, why is stripping empowering? why is being a sex object empowering? why is Kylie Minogue a “business woman”?, why aren’t we women allowed to exist except as some fellas muse, or wife, or beautiful entity, and then become nothing when we are no longer slim waisted and size eight and all of a sudden, no longer “mysterious”? Sorry y’all, this aint no vegetarian global warming high horse; this is the colour purple, the colour of the suffagettes, who threw themelves under carts, who yesterdays academic missed in his missive on purple….grrrr

    sigh, whatever……..

    I miss the galleon and the poets

    KittyKat xxx

  21. avatar
    veleska1970 | 5 July 2007 at 1:33 pm #

    wow~~this was a wild ride today, steve. i am so grateful that you are no longer living like that. how horrible to be in such a cold, dark place.

    yesterday’s blog about your dad was interesting. you loved him dearly and you miss him like the world, that’s obvious. i’m coming up on the 5th ann of my father’s passing soon. thanks for the introspective reflections.

    lotza love….

  22. avatar
    Brien Comerford | 5 July 2007 at 2:38 pm #

    A very grievous, harrowing and courageous blog by SK. NOWHERE FAST was also a very melancholic Smith’s song penned by Morrissey. The last three blogs have been valiant and exemplary prose. This Blog is “cutting edge” material at its best!

  23. avatar
    CSTCoach | 5 July 2007 at 2:50 pm #

    HH – very sorry to hear your news. wishing you well in such sad times.

    r.

  24. avatar
    veleska1970 | 5 July 2007 at 3:12 pm #

    to hellbound heart: sorry about your sad news. sending lots of hugs your way….

  25. avatar
    Cee | 5 July 2007 at 3:18 pm #

    HH:
    I hope that each passing day brings you healing and peace.

    Esteban:
    Thank you for taking us through the looking glass.

    Cee

  26. avatar
    knot | 5 July 2007 at 3:31 pm #

    this is no magic bus brother
    i would stay off it

    yesterday i stood in a slow moving river
    i can not shake off its silk

  27. avatar
    Anonymous | 5 July 2007 at 3:42 pm #

    Hey Steve, do you remember Manchester 1990 and taking the piss out of Morrissey by doing impressions of him and Pete Murphy for Gisele and Michele ?

  28. avatar
    matthew | 5 July 2007 at 4:08 pm #

    still loving the tale Steve!

  29. avatar
    fantasticandy | 5 July 2007 at 4:16 pm #

    HH,
    can’t see how anything i can say would help you at all,
    but my best wishes are with you,
    and i WILL watch the skies tonight with you.
    luv,
    andy L.

  30. avatar
    Emily Teechen | 5 July 2007 at 4:17 pm #

    You are a dangerous man SJK.
    Just as well you change all the names.

  31. avatar
    JUNIOR PAINKILLER | 5 July 2007 at 6:56 pm #

    do tale more me esskay…
    mjnjr

  32. avatar
    davem | 5 July 2007 at 7:56 pm #

    Crikey. That pissed on my bonfire.
    I found that really unpleasant. Love you SK.
    Love to HH too.
    Oh…and all fiends.

    davem
    xx
    PS Any blighty fiends going to see Ricky and BJM? I’ll be at Brum on 11th.

  33. avatar
    12str | 5 July 2007 at 8:33 pm #

    the steps you take in this life…the people you meet…the way you choose your path when it crosses another….the inputs you get…who are we to judge? is it predestined?
    how can we rely on the words of an abstract beeing? how can you know?what do you know?i see religion as marx once did…opium for the people…..what is faith?what is its name?allah? jahve? god? vishnu?buddah? baal? mammon? odin?…..why did leffe fall from grace while trying to save his love? he did good…he took it in his own hands and lost…why?….i dont see the point….are we supposed to be suffering in this world to get to another level of insight in the next? why? is the nr 1 man a cynic sadist?…..ive been searching for answers ever since i was a young boy…treat others as you want to be treated yourself….who said that? jesus? muhammed? anyway that makes sense to me… its easy and its logical..but i guess it never was intended to be easy in this world..there are always someone worse off than you! say a prayer for them!

    P

  34. avatar
    CSTCoach | 5 July 2007 at 9:10 pm #

    another vivid installment of this incredible journey.

    i must admit that i always find it tough to read about this phase of your life. its a world i’ve had no contact with. very sad to hear about the suffering that it contains. you do well to describe it in such clear, unvarnished terms. i think it does a great service to people.

    on another note, i wanted to mention yesterday what a wonderful song Warm Spell is. I’ve been listening to it a lot this past year, actually. One of my frequent plays.

    It contains such brilliant and original imagery:
    – “My father’s piano dreams of this song”
    – “his memory walks the garden / i say ‘it’s alright, i still believe in you'”
    – “echo drenched inside reverb rain”
    – “we pretend nothing ever changes”
    – “solid air like blankets”

    Beautiful stuff. This line “in the backseat, awake and dizzy” reminds me so much of those times as a little kid, at night, falling asleep laying down on the seat of the car. The way the springs creaked as we drove slowly up the street towards my house. The warm air, and the smell of my dad’s pipe. The way sounds became distant and flat as I hovered on the edge of sleep, as though I were hearing everything through wafery cardboard.

    Warm Spell never fails to evoke wonderful memories and images for me.

    ryan

  35. avatar
    Anonymous | 5 July 2007 at 9:22 pm #

    good morning,lovely KittyKat…….tis genx………mate….ive never been a size 8,or10,,i am nearly 6ft tall…matter of fact because of my “rounded” shape,its only ever been my waist that could fit anything size 12…..am not a feminist….my credo goes slightly beyond that!…..in my life ,i have been called a “female chauvinist”by some arrogant men,who found themselves at the wrong end of my tether….i beleive in the “power of the goddess”,and i dont expect to be treated as a man…i expect to be treated as a woman and as a mother,and as a lady. in my work as a stripper, i commanded respect….i used to get pickled and dance all night.i have no shame about or attatched to my chubby and “wholesome” body…i made soooo much more money than the “wafer thin”girls….sometimes the “punters would ask”do you have a bad relationship with your father/whats a girl like you ….etc”….i would reply”love my dad!hey.i leave here,each night ,3 parts pickled,with 1000 bucks in my bra.i go home and sleep soundly,and safely…….you are gonna have to go home to your wife/empty house////with your empty pockets,and expended libido…and drag your hangover to the office at 9am…..women should be women……i do agree with many feminist ideals….i also think that feministic views are sometimes broadcasted by women who would prefer “domination,not equality”….any to each,their own,xxxxxxxlove genx……

  36. avatar
    veleska1970 | 5 July 2007 at 9:50 pm #

    i’m with ryan~~yes, warm spell is quite the gem.

  37. avatar
    Anonymous | 5 July 2007 at 10:16 pm #

    top o’ the mornin to ya genx….you sound like a wonderful woman, from your reply and from your other missives. You pegged it, I was um, “pickled” and had a run in with Darwin-male males and then saw purple and reacted. Woke up this morning wondering if what i had written was too bad….. it’s a kind of generic and mercifully brief rant, (i hope)…but I deserve your slap.
    I wonder what those fellas answers were to what you said; I hope they went home thinking, musing. I got a few old mates who used to strip -one of them to Iggy Pop’s Lust for Life…
    anyway, I’m off to drag my hangover to the office…
    and dream of the SK movie with you in it xxxxlovexxxxxxx KittyKat

  38. avatar
    the dean | 5 July 2007 at 10:21 pm #

    scary stuff

  39. avatar
    ghost machines everywhere sorry this little trip will wear off soon i am not past present nor future | 5 July 2007 at 10:30 pm #

    i can get enough

    mem

  40. avatar
    Anonymous | 5 July 2007 at 10:33 pm #

    hey kittykat…..that wasnt a slap!……much love to you girl!…..love genx……hope you have a beeee you tee full day ,me lovely xxxxxxxxxxxxxooooooooooooooo

  41. avatar
    Anonymous | 5 July 2007 at 10:37 pm #

    and kittykat…..”concrete blondes” “the vampire song”….is/was my favourite song for stripping….love genx xxxxx

  42. avatar
    Anonymous | 5 July 2007 at 11:11 pm #

    Enough with the stripping and lovers bullshit on this comments page, do what you want with your lives girls/women/ladies, it’s sk’s blog page here, stop boring us with all this crapolla! You know sk reads the comments, do you think this stuff is going to tantalise or impress him or somefink?

  43. avatar
    Anonymous | 5 July 2007 at 11:25 pm #

    not to judge, but why were you stripping when you got a brain like that?

  44. avatar
    Anonymous | 5 July 2007 at 11:27 pm #

    ANON,AT 9.11…Both girls/women/ladies,have valid points.Aside from publishing their phone numbers on the WWW,this is the way,they can communicate.

  45. avatar
    Anonymous | 5 July 2007 at 11:40 pm #

    anon at 9.25

    she has alrady indicated that shes an alcoholic

  46. avatar
    space space that place we aint got nohow way another day take it for what its worth sweet mother ear | 5 July 2007 at 11:47 pm #


    it was said
    but never wed
    last time
    the first time

    like no time
    at all
    its your call
    what is said

    how its fed
    it wont turn red
    unless you stick it in
    but thats no win win

    so the wind blows

  47. avatar
    Anonymous | 5 July 2007 at 11:47 pm #

    yeah, look sorry, but i can’t really see how getting pissed and getting your gear off for money could have commanded you the respect of anyone you’d reaally want it from. who are you talking about there? the punters who paid you/ not saying you should be ashamed of yourself, who knows what situation you were in at the time. as a mother i would have thought you would have had pretty strong views about the chronic objectification of women and how its destroying any real chance at respect that everyday women have.

  48. avatar
    Anonymous | 6 July 2007 at 12:01 am #

    I’m just baffled why these girls choose SK’s comment page to chit-chat about how they’ve stripped for a living or how many lovers are going at the moment,etc all of that is so irrelevant to what sk is talking about (well usually ha ha!)…just start up your OWN blog site and you can chit-chat about that in your OWN comments box all effing day if you need to!

  49. avatar
    shut it out turn it off put it up split the cost pass the splif another shift just as swift | 6 July 2007 at 12:02 am #


    .

  50. avatar
    kat | 6 July 2007 at 12:21 am #

    sk, so many characters! you’re gettin’ back now. back to the..

    very interesting,
    katbag

  51. avatar
    Anonymous | 6 July 2007 at 12:21 am #

    A powerful piece today, Steve. I can’t help thinking sometimes, though, that you glorify drug use in the same way that my numbskull 15 year old students do when they talk about how many “cones” and “billys” they “pull”.

    Not ever having been a pot-head, I’ve never understood why pot-heads carry on about drugs so much. Their conversation is always peppered with references to drugs and their use thereof.

    Are non-users supposed to be awe struck by how “cool” you are?

    We’re not.

  52. avatar
    . | 6 July 2007 at 12:27 am #

    in a host
    im a ghost
    dream machine

    what is seen
    its just a deal
    made between

    you and some unreal
    time to sing, time to ring
    time enough

    enough of it
    all

  53. avatar
    Anonymous | 6 July 2007 at 12:30 am #

    There was a guy, oh….ages ago, who had some good advice on all this sort of stuff.

    He said –

    LET HE WHO IS WITHOUT SIN CAST THE FIRST STONE

    Always struck me as good advice anyhoo…

    B.Bon

  54. avatar
    Celticat | 6 July 2007 at 12:43 am #

    Best yet Steve – it scared the crap out of me.

    Love
    Celticat

  55. avatar
    Anonymous | 6 July 2007 at 12:43 am #

    never been an alco…..stripped to survive…at the age of 15 til 26…have a year 9 education…parents left home when i was 14….a 15yr olds wage was not enough to keep me “safely housed”…a brain like” that” has many facets….survival!is the key…genx xxxx

  56. avatar
    Celticat | 6 July 2007 at 1:23 am #

    HH

    I’m so sorry for your loss.

    Love Celticat

  57. avatar
    Melquiades | 6 July 2007 at 2:02 am #

    powerful musing Steve. I’m very glad you were able to gain your freedom from that life. It is like another life, isn’t it? I have been down similar paths (no longer) and I feel so much better these days without that in my life. I sometimes wonder how I made it through. There is something you mention in this entry that strikes a chord with me. When you said, “you dont look or act like an addict they said to me”, that was what I got too. And I felt that way too. I guess it’s what saw me through. I knew somewhere those days would end. yes, I went through hell and back, but I am much the wiser for going there. I kept my soul, my heart, my mind (yeah, I may have lost brain cells along the way, but…)

    haunting, scary, beautiful entry.

  58. avatar
    SweatyWheels | 6 July 2007 at 2:03 am #

    and you’re still here…
    for the time being…

  59. avatar
    JJ | 6 July 2007 at 2:18 am #

    You paint brilliant expressive colours with your brush….and sometimes bleak, stark monochromatic human landscapes with your pen. That was a powerful scene in this gripping narrative, Being. Sometimes I have also wondered if there is no real hope. My fear of the outcome if I developed a taste for the stuff always made me pause and walk away. It’s strange how all one’s life events can reappear as if in a dream. All of these things, all of these people, every scene that passed through you etched in memory, sometimes seared as if scorched by the reality of it all….was it all sadness in Sweden? Were there also green gardens and warm springs? Children laughing about?

    HH – I too am saddened by your loss.

    Wondering where the map is leading, TB. Maps… I wished many times that I had one. I never really did.

  60. avatar
    Anonymous | 6 July 2007 at 2:45 am #

    Gen,good on you..and good on you,for being a survivor,and NOT a victim!…xoxo

  61. avatar
    Anonymous | 6 July 2007 at 2:49 am #

    And the Academy Award for Short Film goes to . . .

    this is not good but it may be alright

  62. avatar
    Thelonious | 6 July 2007 at 3:03 am #

    SK, even better than yesterday.

  63. avatar
    Anonymous | 6 July 2007 at 3:11 am #

    “you were never a proper junky anyway he added”

    is there really a ‘heirachy’ amongst addicts? serious question!

  64. avatar
    eek | 6 July 2007 at 4:33 am #

    A chilling yet poignant entry. While you don’t engage in excessive sentimentality, you describe real people most of the world doesn’t want to give a second thought to in a way that made me care about them. That says as much — and maybe more — about you than it does about the people you describe.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    HH — I’m so sorry about Elsie.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    B.Bon — I heard that one like this:

    He said –

    “LET HE WHO IS WITHOUT SIN CAST THE FIRST STONE”

    …and the crowd got very quiet and still. Then this stone came flying out of the crowd and smacked the condemned person right on the head.

    So he spun around, put his hands on his hips, glared into the crowd and yelled:

    “DAMN IT, MOM!”

    😉

  65. avatar
    Belfrank | 6 July 2007 at 4:35 am #

    SK – Drawn from Life this one.
    Stunning and brutally honest.
    It’s not a fun read, but thanks for sharing all the same.
    Belfy

  66. avatar
    malcolm arkey | 6 July 2007 at 4:43 am #

    Reminds me
    somehow of
    Miyazawa Kenji’s
    “Ginga Tetsudō no Yoru”
    (“Night on the Galactic Railroad”)
    and maybe even
    a little of
    Jim Jarmusch’s
    “Night on Earth”

  67. avatar
    Brien Comerford | 6 July 2007 at 5:15 am #

    There is an anonymous commentor that personifies evil incarnate, a malevolent emanation from hell, an anathema, reprobate, pariah and sadist. It is a he that terrozies Mother Earth with the utmost irreverence !

  68. avatar
    Anonymous | 6 July 2007 at 6:07 am #

    shut up brian

  69. avatar
    rickmaymi | 6 July 2007 at 6:44 am #

    Wow…haven’t been here in a few days as I am on tour in Europe and was blown away by this last blog…just yesterday I was in a similar headspace, thinking about all the people I have known in my short time on this earth who are no longer alive…I was having a conversation with Daniel (BJM DRUMMER) I asked him, “do you know many people who have committed suicide?” he said “No” and I actually said to him “you could fill a bus with the amount of people I know who have O.D.’d or committed suicide” (I also happen to have been in Scandinavia for the past few days…Copenhagen at the moment) Then…a day later I read this…It never ceases to amaze me when I open your blog and find that you and I have this vaguely paralleled head-space…I MISS YOU MATE, I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!!! I have also been LOVING your Mom’s book!!! She’s BRILLIANT!!!

    And Dave M!!! REALLY looking forward to seeing you!!!

    BEST WISHES TO YOU ALL!!!

    LOVE
    Ricky
    xx

  70. avatar
    isadora telambi | 6 July 2007 at 7:30 am #

    Oh bibi, let me kiss you, make it all better. My Ethiopian lips will take your sadness away. My sax gently weeps for you. In Some Lysergic Africa you come back as a warrior.–I.T.

  71. avatar
    Anonymous | 6 July 2007 at 8:23 am #

    Who the fuck is Rick Maymi?

  72. avatar
    Anonymous | 6 July 2007 at 8:28 am #

    Obviously those days in Sweden are a painful memory. But I get the impression you are haunted and/or obsessed with that period of time. It keeps coming up, over and over…why focus on it? This kind of stuff seems to mystify or even glamorize in a way, drug use. I don’t believe the drugs were/are essential to your creativity. You are so talented, you can write great songs stone cold sober I bet. Give up the weed for a week. Now that would make for an interesting blog.

  73. avatar
    Anonymous | 6 July 2007 at 8:37 am #

    “Drugs wither the very imagination they were thought to enrich”
    – Baudelaire, “Les paradis artificiels”

  74. avatar
    Anonymous | 6 July 2007 at 8:45 am #

    me thinks the moon must be approaching leo….so many uptight fiends…cyberwench

  75. avatar
    daniel12 | 6 July 2007 at 8:57 am #

    Spooky blogg today Nevets. Kind of like visiting a purgatory for Swedish junkies.
    I don’t know how someone so proud could have let them self go like you did but then again i do.
    I’m guessing that you were rather like the Thomas in your story.
    Someone who didn’t really didn’t really belong there drawn to it by dark facination. This combined with an enthusiasm for chemical transendance can be a dangerous mix.
    I must admit i have a morbid facination for junkies. They can display very splayed insights into the human condition. They sometimes also seem to live in two worlds. That is the world of the living and the world of eartbound spirits. Like there aura’s are down and there open for any spirit to haunt. Not many seem to come back as you have. Fewer still have the ability to write about it as you can. A gripping morbid tale this one . If only there wern’t real ruined lives behind it’s telling.
    Anyone thinking this gloifies drugs needs there head checked.

  76. avatar
    Calasparras | 6 July 2007 at 9:25 am #

    It´s a far cry from the world we thought we´d inherit

  77. avatar
    Anonymous | 6 July 2007 at 3:36 pm #

    hey anon; might you consider that the content of sk’s today arouse strong feelings? and they spill….whattya want, sycophancy? I’m sure Mr K would prefer discourse to flattery

  78. avatar
    Anonymous | 6 July 2007 at 4:20 pm #

    scary

  79. avatar
    Anonymous | 6 July 2007 at 6:39 pm #

    is it worse to be a carnivore or a opiates junkie?

  80. avatar
    steve kilbey | 7 July 2007 at 12:59 am #

    a carnivore
    cos junkies only harm themselves

  81. avatar
    Anonymous | 7 July 2007 at 3:49 am #

    nuff said

  82. avatar
    nothing | 7 July 2007 at 6:09 am #

    …it is falling from the sky,
    this love,
    this reason to be
    dont you know this?
    dont you knpw me?

  83. avatar
    Melquiades | 11 July 2007 at 11:49 pm #

    truthfully there is harm in both abuses.
    I ownder how many people die of a struggle to get that milky white concoction to your deep thrombosis?

    The drug trade does harm people.

  84. avatar
    Melquiades | 11 July 2007 at 11:52 pm #

    Damn, for someone that evokes depth and perspective you sure left this argument lacking.

    Oh well, what’ja expect from a creative, mercurical spirit of planet earth?

  85. avatar
    Brien Comerford | 14 July 2007 at 1:46 am #

    Opiate addicts and alcoholics are self-medicating while carnivores are accomplices to murder ! You can kill me but never ever kill a cow or lamb in front of me because I will cry myself into an enraged and permanent insanity.

  86. avatar
    Brien Comerford | 14 July 2007 at 4:22 am #

    RETRACTION AND CLARIFICATION ON LAST COMMENT.

    ALL CARNIVORES MAKE HELL ON EARTH FOR THE ANIMAL KINGDOM, ESPECIALLY SO-CALLED “FOOD ANIMALS”.

    SOME JUNKIES AND ALCOHOLICS CREATE HELL ON EARTH FOR PEOPLE THAT THEY VIOLENTLY INJURE OR KILL!

  87. avatar
    Anonymous | 3 September 2007 at 2:35 am #

    MARILYN MANSON IS A FUCKING FAGGOT PUSSY TIT BOY. ANY PERSON WHO LIKES MANSON FOR WHO HE IS SHOULD KILL THEMSELVES LIKE HE SHOULD. PLUS HE’S A SATANIST.


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