posted on January 2, 2011 at 7:58 am

the east pole

i have made this journey because no one else could

i realise that now

all my many  stops and drops and turns

wandering lost as a pathetic lamb on the lamm

the twin scourge of drugs and pleasure sexual pleasure

the fire of inflammable anger

wandering down an endless hotel hall

i forget the number of my fucking room

oh my god i’m steve kilbey i just remembered

i’m floating along past all the doors

and all of you are inside sleeping sleeping peacefully i guess

but i’m out here

and here isnt all that bad

here isnt a war or a hell or any bad thing

but oh i was walking through the desert

no it must have been the library

i was checking into my room i was so desperately tired

i dont recall the city somewhere anymore

i took my key from the non-assistant and levitated to 13th floor

it had been a big big night

smoked a plantation of jazzy jazz jazz

drunk champagne drunk whisky drunk mescal

i snorted something white i dunno what it was s’posed to be

fuck your morals

this is a true dream story blog poem fact truth lie exaggeration

i was a rock star i was a pig i was a gentleman i was a child

yeah i snorted a line of powder

the truth is i love(d) all drugs and i didnt care

whatever it was was alright by me

i was tired excited bored restless nondescript

you see i was everything at once

and complicating matters

agreed to these 2 fucking idiots filming me for a whole day

they were making a doco

they had already paid me

i had already spent it

now it was aftershow and i just dont know

they climb into lift with me

i look at em

i actually like em

the geeza is an ok guy but hes a bit thick

he never understands one bit of my constant stream of irony

geeza :” hey steve are ya nervous tonight?”

me : oooh i’m petrified

geeza : ” really??”

me : no man i’m fucking joking with ya!

ha ha ha

but neither of us never learned

i kept on with my tedious irony

he responded with his tiresome credulity

look what do you fucking expect alright its me

so we stand in our lift that is slow lifting off

and i look at the geezas missus or assistant or whatever she was

now it seemed to me she was giving me a bit of  eye

but i couldnt tell because she was silent pretty much

she was quite sorty too  you know a bit of a sort

sort of nice you know

but being a man and being an animal and being a spirit

well thats confusing i dont know how to act

i have no idea if shes looking at me because

a) i am a wasted strange sad creature

b) i am an exotic sex god from another universe

c) shes actually looking at my wrinkles pores and pimples

d) maybe shes not “looking” at me at all

e) shes nervous on the first day of the job

f) shes actually got some of my records and is a fan

g) i have something like parsley on my teeth

h) some other unguessable thing

its a weird situation or maybe i just imagined it

maybe i was/am so out of touch

cocooned in my own crazy paving life

my travelodge home my suitcase full of lead

my ticket i couldnt find

i had plunged into hedonism i was deep in amnesia

was this yesterday it seems like it

in my life as if under a spell

someone seems to have edited it together slightly wrong

no that bit isnt meant to go there

so i’m standing in the lift with the stupid filmers

the nice guy who doesnt understand me

i dont understand him either but i dont wanna fucking film him do i?

and the woman/girl/ assistant/ sorty sort

a real good sort

the more we look at each other …

well i starting to think she is definitely looking at me

staring defiantly at me and definitely moving her lips

a series of pouts smiles tiny movements all rapidly gone

if the geeza notices this he doesnt seem to let on

hes busy filming it i guess

the assistants got the papers and wires and bits n pieces

we get to some room someone eventually lets us in

hes pointing the camera at me

fuck man i’m really fucking tired now

i have something to wake you up steve he says

yeah ? i say

he produces a little glass thing

out of somewhere he sprinkles some crystalline slivers

here he says

i take a big hit


i take another


i take a few more




oooh time is gone all curvy and delicious

ooh how did i ever get to feel so ….oh warm as this

and oh no i like myself

and fuck what a nice room this is

and wow a guy with a freaking camera oh yeah i wanna talk

oh yeah baby i wanna talk my fucking head off oh yeah

oh yeah man starfish oh fuck oh yeah

im gushing a stream of bullshit and bilge

oh wow man you dig under the milky way?

oh wow thats so cool you like that song

i dunno if the geezas had any of the stuff

but the assistant is certainly indulging

shes taking a deep hit

the white smoke slowly oozing outta her nostrils

oh man shes gone from being a good sort

to an extra good fine looking pretty gorgeous sort

now for some reason this kind of good sort began to make me feel devilish

not totally evil terrible devilish but still not a particularly nice devilish either

im mean im a fucking working class bloke made good as a rocknroller

i got no fancy education i got no airs n graces

i’m a fucking man and i like fucking women

i cant help it no more can i help breathing air

and im sitting here looking at the assistant

and some very wicked delicious lecherous romantic thoughts

she passes the glass thing back

i sit there puffing away on this stuff

it doesnt really taste like anything at first

nothing at all

and then you start to discover its subtle flavour

yeah there it is as you exhale this surely poisonous breath

im waxing loquacious about some lyrics i wrote to the geeza

im feeling real good real real good

so good in fact im not even thinking about it

the gig the journey the flight the time the years the pain

well they all seemed to vanish into some long gone past

before i was sitting in this oh so cosy groovy hotel room

with my mate the cameraman the unironical geeza

i watch the assistant get up n go out of the room

it was a condo type gaff  i was sharing it with someone else in the band

after a while i couldnt tell

i was raving like a typical foolish me

blah blah blah blah blah fucking blah

oh my my my

in the middle of a sentence the assistant comes back

shes uh changed into something more uh comfortable

now shes dressed in some straps

yes thats right

like the outline of a bikini but only the straps

no fabric

her breasts push through the straps

the straps go round her hips n thighs but theres no fabric there either

just these thin black straps

shes looking very dreamy

like shes sleepwalking or something

like shes venus just born from the shell

like shes just found herself in this room dressed in straps

much more naked than if she was actually naked

the geezas filming filming filming

i briefly wonder somewhere in my mind

is this a good thing this filming filming filming….?

oh fuck its too hard to think about stuff like that

here in this cosy little condo style hotel

with this pseudo lux furniture and groovy anglepoise lamp

the assistant is dancing to some beautiful music in her head

shes not that graceful but she doesnt need to be

shes sort of floating about like a big fairy

except fairies arent dressed in straps

i notice too she has decorated various parts of herself with lurid  lipstick

well you can imagine which parts i hope

some parts purple some pink some bright red

now i never asked for none of this

but here it is its happening

(filming filming filming)

the assistant finally comes over to me

i find im sitting there without me shirt on

its getting warm in the cosy condo hotel style room

she squats  at my feet gazing up at my face

her pupils are like black plates her skin is flushed

she gazes longingly at me as if i am jesus

or somebody nice

but im not somebody nice

the camera filming filming filming

the geeza seems to fade away

i guess thats what good cameramen do

they blend in

they do not disturb the wildlife as they migrate and mate

the wildlife feels comfortable with em eventually and does its thing

but nevertheless filming filming filming

my my

oh oh

mm mm

the girl is sitting on my lap

shes whispering something in my ear i cant understand

its in another language i suppose

shes wriggling against me

when we kiss its like a whole universe pours into my mouth

the female principle in her chemistry goes rushing through my system

im a man

im a series of chemical and electrical reactions to stimuli i encounter

i was encountering this and my system was responding accordingly

the kiss seems to last a million seconds

her mouth like a succulent fruit

after that things became blurred elongated truncated

i noticed all my clothes were gone

god i was feeling good

it seemed so logical

and still the filming filming filming

he never said a thing i heard

in spaces of seconds the assistant kept transforming

she was a child she was a panther she was a comedian she was a whore

and wow

daylight eventually was breaking through a window somewhere

and we were still uh engaging with each other

we were acting out little scenarios

i was being cruel to her

then she was being cruel to me

then i was being oh so unbelievably nice to her

and she was being oh so unbelievably nice to me

and she was nice

and she was so beautiful

and she was so female

it made me angry

and i’d be cruel all over again

and i was saying all the worst stuff

praising her to the high hills

and then calling her the worse names

every name except her own which i heard once n forgotten

and so on and on and on

you can imagine

if you can imagine then imagine some and then some more

i found myself taking a long hot shower

when i came out my film crew had gone

it seemed as if they were never there

fuck i felt rotten tho unbelievably aching n confused

i took a sleeping pill i had reserved for a long flight

soon i was in the black void of nothingness

i woke up that night kinda groggy but i did my gig

fuck i musta imagined the whole thing

it faded from my mind

half of me liked it

half of me hated it

it was nothing

it was gone

it was ephemeral

fair enough

anyhow got a dvd in the post the other day

ok wonder what it is…




84 Responses to “penumbra # 13”

  1. avatar
    eekie | 2 January 2011 at 9:18 am #

    Wow! Quite a start to 2011!

    “i briefly wonder somewhere in my mind
    is this a good thing this filming filming filming….?”

    The answer to this question is no. Always. 😉

  2. avatar
    Once | 2 January 2011 at 9:26 am #

    OMG. Ya know, on a different level, I’ve been through this too. Mine’s not as specific, it goes like this:


    I swam in gasoline, until I found a match. It wasn’t the type I was looking for, so, alone, I struck it. How could I have been surprised at the ensuing blaze, the heat that reached in all directions, singeing the world around me, and reducing me to mere ash? A cataclysmic inferno that my tears could not extinguish. Did I doubt the laws of chance, of physics?

    (I am sorry for your blisters. My band-aids were lies.)

    And now in the wind, I expect to be scattered, to drift into what we call nothing. But I’m trapped in a box, and no one lets go – what the hell do they know that I don’t?

    That I’m best under pressure – and that under the lid, there will soon be a diamond?”

    What you just posted, though, Steve? Best thing I’ve ever read. God, you’re so, so…YOU! And you share. More than enough, God bless ya, mate.


  3. avatar
    evilren | 2 January 2011 at 10:08 am #

    I’ll have some of what Steve’s having (minus the film crew of course)
    Lawdy, what has the man gotten himself into this time?

  4. avatar
    Ronnie | 2 January 2011 at 10:14 am #

    yep, been there. so true, half of me loved it half of me hated it.
    I guess we won’t be seeing this particular piece of merch any time soon?

  5. avatar
    BROKEN TOYS AND HEROS | 2 January 2011 at 10:33 am #

    You ‘just got this dvd the other day’, Holy Shit !!!! I wont ask when it was shot, or ask anything…just reply…HOLY SHIT.

    I need a shower myself !!!!

    Darrin K.

    ************* 2011 will be the year of ‘the church’ with the upcoming epic jaunt thru the states. Mesmerizing everyone with 3 (yes 3) blistering…bombastic masterpieces. I have my Tix and ready to Roll…

    Than the rumors of , in my opinion, the GREATEST INDIE AMERICAN BAND EVER have come true.

    DISPATCH have re-united to play 6 dates across America. The boys from Boston have become one band, thankfully, again. The sites include Red Rocks (Colorado), New Jersey, Atlanta, California, Boston, and Millenium Park in Chicago. The Chicago date is June 8, 2011. Tix go on sale for all dates on Jan. 28th to the public and Jan. 21st for presale. I will have the password before than and throw it out here. Proceeds from each ticket sold will go to Amplifying Education, a fund for each and every concert location. Also, they will have a bus at each show and are asking fans to donate ‘new’ school supplies for the less fortunate. Dispatch has always been about incredible music and helping others. Their Elias Foundation has raised millions for the people of Africa. I have seen this band many times in the past and these 3 young men: Chad, Brad, and Pete are incredible musicians. After sadly breaking up in 2004 in front of over 110,000 people at a ‘free’ live concert and documentry (which I flew to and attended). They have gone their separte ways. Chad’s band ‘State Radio’ has continued the activisim and roots that were originally planted by Dispatch. You can Wiki them, if you are interested in learning about their music, the live album ‘Gut The Van’ would be perfect for a new listener. They used to drive around in a beat-up old van, setting up-playing-and breaking down while basically living in the van nick-named “wimpy” (for the odd man who sold them the van, which had good brakes). Post break-up, they have rejoined over the years, most notably in 2007 for three sold out shows at MSG in New York for over 100K people, proceeds from these conerts went to the various foundations that these incredible young men support. The 3 day concert was filmed and stands alone as one of only few DVD’s that display a true band in their simpliest form. Three ordinary guys from the Boston area who love music, children, and helping people out who are less fortuante. NO BAND without a major record label, has ever sold-out MSG 360 degress, let alone for 3 shows. This band is in a totally unique world of their own. And thankfully they have set aside their creative differences to reunite for their fans, for music, for education.

    Darrin K.

    • avatar
      taskmasterbob | 2 January 2011 at 11:44 am #

      Darrin, please don’t take this too personally, but your long posts are becoming quite tiresome. Do you really think this is the place for a long winded info on dispatch? Give us all a break kind sir. And your rant/diatribe against eekie the other day was frankly beyond the pale. We get it, your the biggest kilbey fan in the universe. Now take it down a few pegs please. I am pretty certain that I am speaking for all of humanity here.

      • avatar
        anonymoose | 2 January 2011 at 2:13 pm #

        I wholeheartedly concur Bob. I found Darrin mildly amusing until the personal and vicious attack on Holly. He did not even have the sense to be embarrassed, his response was “no offense intended holly you just wandered into the crosshairs”. Crosshairs? On Steve’s blog comments? Jesus, what a petulant child. And not to mention that Holly is trusted friend of Steve and art confidant and all around great gal. Please take the criticism in a constructive manner Darrin, I suspect you may be annoying the people around you in your actual life and not even realizing it. Quote from above, “upcoming epic jaunt thru the states. Mesmerizing everyone with 3 (yes 3) blistering…bombastic masterpieces.” You are trying too hard mate. And look up bombastic in the dictionary, your comment was actually an insult.
        The moose

        • avatar
          BROKEN TOYS AND HEROS | 3 January 2011 at 2:28 am #

          Well if is not another blank, lifeless individual, who agrees with you BOB. Again, probably its yourself-trying to show the people out here that many stand at your pathetic side…BOB. ‘Please take the criticism in a constructive manner’ …did you read the shit you wrote. You ATTACK me, call me names, and quote me regarding my useage of a word. I am very fluent in the English Dictionary, I was using the word in the context that the 3 albums are “high sounding, large”. Words of all origins have different meanings in literature and text. Don’t attempt to correct me when you did not know ‘how’ I was using this given word. Name calling, lessons in literature, and the other garbage you spewed out from an ‘anonymoose’ faceless person, and your attacking me. What a fucking joke you are. And if you read the exchanges over the past 3-5 days, I rightfully DID apologize to Holly. That is and was what I should have done. You, my faceless-nameless-jackwagon, can go fuck yourself.

          Darrin K.

          • avatar
            anonymoose | 3 January 2011 at 6:31 am #

            PS. Is there a clever or ironic reason why you spell “heros” incorrectly. It is heroes as you know, I am not winding you up, just curious as to why you spell it wrong. I’m sure there is witty reason, please enlighten. Also Darrin K with a photo of a little girl. Way to put yourself out there. Certainly not nameless and faceless, a true brave soul.
            The Moose

      • avatar
        BROKEN TOYS AND HEROS | 2 January 2011 at 4:09 pm #


        You ask me kindly enough not to take something personal, yet you decide to criticize me for my post, Wow!!!. So you have self appointed yourself the ‘blog police’ and have also appointed yourself a ‘speaker for all humanity here’ that is very narcissistic. Over many weeks, months, years in fact…many individuals have posted short, long, and even longer comments than mine-but YOU decided to single me out. Don’t read what I write …BOB. I am passionate about music, as are so many people on this site. Yes, I appologize for becoming slightly winded. Dispatch are a great band. Are you going to scan every comment of ANY reader who has suggested a band, author, movie, etc… and comment on them…No-I don’t believe so. You are telling me to ‘take it down a few pegs please’. Well…Bob, you have the choice, freefuckingwill, not to read anything I write or anyone else for that matter. When ‘the church’ informed the many people on this site about their upcoming U.S. tour, couple people where thankful of the information that I posted and were able to link up and get there tix for the Chicago show. What’s your contribution…Bob. The post from SK dated the first couple days of October titled “add hock rock n roll” contained a asswipe ‘Anonymous’ fuckknuckle who took a ‘rant/diatribe’ at SK and yes, I offered up a LONG WINDED response to that fuckhead that was applauded by some of the ‘humanity’ on here including SK. Look it up my friend. Didn’t read anything from you at that time or anything you have EVER wrote, you sure are enamored with mine. The next thing your gonna do is what…Bob…offer advice to SK on how to spell, length of his entries, subject matter…blah blah blah…Bob. If you have read over the past 3-5 blogs CAREFULLY, you will notice that at the beginning…it wasn’t about EEKIE. She-fired the first shot at me, trying to ‘correct me’. Yes, I did retaliate agressively. It is in my nature to defend others and myself when need be…Bob. The subject matter regarding EEKIE…I appologized to her on this site. But, I still stand for what I said and my obsevation(s). I just wish I chose a different outlet to express my displeasure with her. Hell, I just got off the phone with a friend here in Chicago I met in 2006 thru SK’s original blog. And for you to insinuate that I consider myself ‘the biggest kilbey fan in the universe’ is such a jackass comment. Do I like SK…sure, His music in all its forms …absoulutly, anymore than the rest of the people on/or off this or any other internet connection..NO. He is a man, flesh and bone, with a god given talent, strong family ties and flaws that make him human. Thats what I admire about him. He’s human.

        Oh No…I’m off on another rant or tirade or whatever you fucking want to label it as. You know what… BOB…I will continue writing on this site as long as I fucking feel like it. So…BOB…just skip over my stuff, police YOUR side of the screen and have a GREAT NEW YEAR !!!

        Darrin K.

        • avatar
          Joethesurfer | 3 January 2011 at 2:49 am #

          Darrin, dude. Now you are actually giving America a bad name bro. I am no psych expert, but it seems that you are repressing some latent homosexual feelings towards our humble host and hero mr. kilbey. Let it go. Breathe. Nothing here is really about you at all. Taking a long hissy fit does not make one right, friend. Methinks you doth protest too much. I bet when you claw and clamor your way backstage at the chi-town gig if Steve is not everything you dreamed and more you will go home and burn cd’s etc and hit the message boards telling the world what a wanker he is. Fine line between fan and stalker coolio Darrin, and you are strattling the tightrope. Have a gnarly day.
          Surfer Joe

          • avatar
            BROKEN TOYS AND HEROS | 3 January 2011 at 10:26 am #

            Surfer Joe,

            After reading your attempt at further fueling this fire, I realized that, if you read what you just wrote to me, all the comments you have addressed towards me are unfounded and sadly, are actually your own self-description of how the world views…YOU. I have met Steve in the past, a handful of times actually dating back to 1984. And when you write a sentence such as “nothing here is really about you”, I wonder why in the hell did you find it necessary to attack me in the first place unless asked to by another individual. I pity you Joe…it is so sad that you now have to blindly go after someone that you have NEVER had any relationship with or a grudge outside of the exchanges over the past days that NEVER INVOLVED YOU. So…Joe…If I offended you in any way that would stir you up to go after a complete stranger, I am sorry. But it is unnecessary to question my sexuality or my patriotic position in this great land. I am straight (married with 2 wonderful children) and I love America, I have lost family members and friends who fought for all our freedom in this country.

            Darrin K.

        • avatar
          Donna | 3 January 2011 at 3:49 am #

          Darrin…Yikes!!! Don’t let these comments get to you!! We’re all entitled to our opinions! I’m sure many readers appreciate your comments, and others simply don’t! You strike me as a sincere, loyal person who contributes much that’s good… take what you can from the comments and leave the rest! Life’s too short, and you should save your energy for that cute little girl of yours! 🙂

        • avatar
          taskmasterbob | 3 January 2011 at 4:56 am #

          I actually feel sorry for you Darrin. Your extra sensitive little ego, obviously you have low self esteem and are trying to over-compensate, it must be truly miserable to be trapped inside your own head day after day. I sincerely wish you the best. Bob

          • avatar
            BROKEN TOYS AND HEROS | 3 January 2011 at 10:41 am #

            Thanks Bob…I wish you also the best in being able to live YOUR life and not living, writing, or degrading complete strangers over something that had nothing to do with you at all in the first place. I am glad that I brought some meaning to your life considering the fact that all you have had to do the past couple days was reply to what I have written. Please Bob, get over your self and the lack of wit that you have embarrased yourself by attempting to display for others to read.

            Don’t feel sorry for me. Everything you described above in that pathetic attempt at further displaying your lack of mental capacity is clearly a self-examination. Get help Bob…you are abvious in desparte need of it. And by the way, it is hilarious how you now have involved other people in these exchanges. They must look at you and realize the same thing that is so evident…it’s difficult being you and question their friendship with you in the first place.

            Darrin K.

        • avatar
          Lyndall | 3 January 2011 at 7:23 am #

          Hi Darrin

          I totally agree with Donna – “Don’t let these comments get to you!!” Like everyone else you too are entitled to our opinions! I read your comments and I have especially enjoyed your music reviews over the time. Others obviously don’t appreciate your comments – so in my opinion they can skim past them – it’s that easy however, do we really need to attack one another? IT’S ALL BECOMING VERY PERSONAL AND SAD… You also strike me as a sincere, loyal person that anyone would be blessed to call a friend – a true friend … Take care and have a happy, healthy 2011. L x

          • avatar
            BROKEN TOYS AND HEROS | 3 January 2011 at 11:00 am #

            Thanks Lyndall and Donna, if by any means the last couple days offended you or upset you, I am truly sorry for that. As individuals continue to attempt to pound away at me, I will always return fire. When they chose to end it, I will gladly end this. But, if you or in that fact, anyone choses to write one or two words or a page or two. It is clearly their/your right to do so since this is a open dialogue blog and has been for many years, created and moderated by SK.

            Darrin K.

        • avatar
          BROKEN TOYS AND HEROS | 3 January 2011 at 10:51 am #

          The picture (my avatar) is of my little girl who soon will have a birthday. She is an angel and at the time of the photo, when she was six months old, She was very ill. The photo is very important to me and my family because it is a reminder of how fragile life is and the bright smile on her face kept my wife and I focused during a rough patch couple years ago. The spelling of HEROS instead of Heroes, is a play on the way a publication incorrectly printed a poem I wrote 26 years ago in a collection of poetry. They spelled the word incorrectly and when they tried to re-vise the page that my poem was on, they mispelled two other writers work.

          Darrin K.

  6. avatar
    Donna | 2 January 2011 at 10:46 am #

    Very……? Explicit!! Sounds like Reg Kilby’s back… Enjoy that dvd!! 😉

  7. avatar
    nickfiction | 2 January 2011 at 11:12 am #

    man i dont know what to say

  8. avatar
    Brien Comerford | 2 January 2011 at 11:31 am #

    Females and vaginas are aesthetic manifestations of God’s glorious and bucolic creation. I love the apes, the lions, the birds, the fishies, insects and all creatures great and small. Beavers are great too. The frenetic busy ones building havens in the wild and the human ones in the lovenest that make you feel like you’re in heaven. Females rule ! When men don’t have females they resort to wars, murders, hunting, meat and other evils like alcohol (I’m busted on the latter). When Jane Deen left me I had to embrace Jim Beam and Morrissey !

    • avatar
      Once | 2 January 2011 at 11:49 am #

      BAH HA HA!! Brien, that is AWESOME!

    • avatar
      Richard | 2 January 2011 at 12:13 pm #

      nice to see you back Brien!
      and in vintage form

    • avatar
      Freddie | 3 January 2011 at 9:20 am #

      Brian if that’s the case there sure must be a lot of lonely men out there!

  9. avatar
    Blitz | 2 January 2011 at 11:41 am #

    freak out scene!

  10. avatar
    Karen | 2 January 2011 at 11:52 am #

    beavers? oh dear

    lol brian…yes and penises are great but look like wiggigty grubs when non erect and…Ill stop

    anyway real or not , I bet that scenario has been played out n different ways at various times by many a person filmed or not ( me included regretfully)
    But when your in the public eye and there is evidence and the press” get involved :O:O
    theres good & bad & ugly in everyone..

    I loved it, maybe you could write a screen play one day:o

  11. avatar
    Richard | 2 January 2011 at 12:26 pm #

    well your 2011 sure started with a bang

    any suggestions for titles folks?

    “Killer in me”?

    “The Blurred Scrusade”?


    • avatar
      John Garratt | 2 January 2011 at 3:21 pm #

      Hologram of My Balls
      (Snow) Job
      Gold Afternoon Prick

    • avatar
      Donna | 2 January 2011 at 3:34 pm #

      I like “The Blurred Scrusade”! I suggest “Straps” or “Purple Parts” ! Ha ha ha…just foolin’ around, Steve!

    • avatar
      Jonny Hollywood | 2 January 2011 at 5:50 pm #

      “The Slurred Brusade”



  12. avatar
    Lara | 2 January 2011 at 12:50 pm #

    Ah Steve, you’re just ahead of your time. All the cool kids are wearing straps and lipstick these days. 😉

  13. avatar
    Kelda | 2 January 2011 at 12:51 pm #

    we are all on a film set with one take. now action it.

  14. avatar
    Therese | 2 January 2011 at 2:46 pm #

    I wasn’t going to comment again but changed my mind.
    Hope 2011 is a good year for us all, we all deserve the universe to grant us our wishes for ourselves and family and a share in the good karma would be a bonus.

  15. avatar
    Melissa | 2 January 2011 at 3:02 pm #

    hey sk, I’m one of your melbourne gals??? sweet :-))

    happy new ears to you lovely man, haven’t been able to get online lately, so a bit of catching up to do on the ol’ bloggy.

    love and best wishes for 2011 xxx

  16. avatar
    Darkeners | 2 January 2011 at 3:59 pm #

    Yeah now it makes much more sense now. Another one of the Powder people. Never got into that . All the powder people that i have ever met who got into powder drugs or E became evil little crispy fried creeps. Their minds impaired, their egos bloated to the sky.When they talk they think they have something to say. Never met one Powder person that had shit to say. It is the exact opposite to where I am going. It makes so much more sense to me now. Only the addled are extolled here. Of course the Powder people are entrenched little Nihilists. What else could they be ?? Whiner-ramers as well I guess.

    • avatar
      mr.ricky | 4 January 2011 at 10:02 pm #

      Yeah, you obviously GUESS because you obviously don’t KNOW! Sorry, but I have to say something here. Don’t knock it until you try it. Get back to us after you have been doing some killer Columbian coke and Dutch E’s at an orgy full of Randy young women for a week or two and then tell us about how much it fucking sucks. You are like a guy that hates rich people because you aren’t rich too! The one that doesn’t like the people who shop at whole foods because they can’t afford to, so fuck those people… It’s the same mentality. You obviously have been excluded at some point so now you are exclusive unto yourself…Great! Maybe nobody ever offered you drugs because they thought you would be a great big drag to hang out with…? Or nobody was ever comfortable enough around you to want to be on the drugs with you…

      Thank the Heavens that SOMEONE in the world doesn’t have an impaired mind or bloated ego and is also not a Nihilist! I was beginning to worry! I can enjoy doing my drugs a lot more knowing that you are in control of things with your unimpaired mind and your ego in check. Sounds like you have spent more than a little time thinking about the “Powder people”. Based on your judgement, I reckon it’s safe to say that you are in a minority. Thank you “Darkeners” for showing us the light! Next time I want a line or a hit of E, I’ll just read your nasty little comment on here instead! and Thanks for the new band name too!!! THE POWDER PEOPLE!!! I LIKE IT!!!

      Do you really think you are a superior and enlightened being because you never sniffed any white drugs or took a hit of E? The attitude it took to write your post demonstrates your ignorance and lower state of being. If you where truly above and beyond it, you wouldn’t even be on this Blog to begin with, let alone leaving such a nasty, pointless comment designed to be insulting to essentially anyone who is going to read it here.

      How dare you come on here and not only call SK a “little Nihilist” and a “Powder person” and a “Crispy Fried Creep” but everyone else here who may have enjoyed a bit of E or white powder in their day… You basically just came on here to tell everyone that you are better than them as it is safe to assume that most people who like The Church probably don’t GO to church, if you know what I mean… and have very likely enjoyed at least a few different types of controlled substances in the past. YOU are just being an elitist ASSHOLE! and a bit of a nihilist, too, I might add… but what you really are is a misanthropic, sad little person whom, I’ll wager nobody ever loved, apart from your Mother, perhaps… I hope you have a happy and sober new year with your humble/righteous self! and watch your step, you might walk into a shit storm 😉

  17. avatar
    Anonymous | 2 January 2011 at 5:12 pm #

    Well said taskmasterbob. Not only is he annoying but he has delusions of grandeur.
    I am surprised any one still reads his ramblings. I guess he dose not understand that when you sign off it is means you have finished.

    As always anonymous

    Blah blah blah and on and on and check this out etc and on and on for at least another 3 boring paragraphs and god its hard to string out this P.S.

    • avatar
      BROKEN TOYS AND HEROS | 3 January 2011 at 2:11 am #

      Hey Ass-non-a -mouse,

      Very nice of you to hide behide a blank face and no signature. You are the self-appointed ‘english professor’. Don’t fucking read what I write and I would be safe to say that you probably ARE BOB and you are attepting to have others agree with YOUR ramblings and attack on me. I have thick skin little man, your a fucking joke-your a fucking T-shirt that displays ‘I am Stupid’ with an arrow pointind downward , not up. Because you lack the testicle fortitude to reveal yourself.

      Darrin K.

  18. avatar
    Jonny Hollywood | 2 January 2011 at 5:44 pm #

    send me a copy of that dvd…lol I like fucking women but have no women to fuck 🙁

  19. avatar
    captain mission | 2 January 2011 at 6:35 pm #

    i love you man

    • avatar
      captain mission | 2 January 2011 at 6:40 pm #

      ps. if it’s as good as your writing, painting, acting and music, then all sorts of new possibilities open will up.

      • avatar
        Richard | 2 January 2011 at 8:37 pm #


        don’t lose sight of the twenty odd years though CM

        (as far as I know) there aren’t that many 56yo adult movie leads

        especially those looking for their breakthrough flick

        still, if they kept the camera on those calves…

        (and the yoga would sure come in handy)

  20. avatar
    Lyndall | 2 January 2011 at 7:53 pm #

    Sounds alright until the evidence showed up… WORRIED SICK! For me this would be my worst nightmare! I hate the fact that you have no control over it. I hope these people have decently sent you the master. Call me old-fashioned … Enjoyed the read – All the best… L x

    • avatar
      Lyndall | 3 January 2011 at 7:38 am #

      PS – I hope the part about the DVD showing up is fiction – nothing good can come of “filming, filming, filming”.

  21. avatar
    hellbound heart | 2 January 2011 at 8:16 pm #

    hmmmm…..genitalia galore……
    i loved and hated this entry in equal parts….
    loved because of the images and recollections of absolute pleasure, just the thought of drowning and drowning and drowning in pleasure……
    hated because of the dark demons hiding in the corners that spurred events on….pleasure and its flip side……

    love always….

    ps-did you get those lovely cards that i sent? just wondering….

  22. avatar
    isolde | 2 January 2011 at 9:29 pm #

    cool! get it up on facebook!

  23. avatar
    redgrevillea | 2 January 2011 at 9:30 pm #

    oh, the library ‘is’ the desert, steve!! (and the dessert 😉 )

  24. avatar
    Jason (jmb066) | 2 January 2011 at 11:41 pm #


    To me this was a trip down memory lane and I hung on every word. Been there a few times myself without the camera thankfully. Fact or fiction you keep the reader on the edge of the page/screen. I have said it before, I will say it again you must take the time to write your own story in your own words. Via the blog we already have a lot snapshots, future, past perfect indeed. I think it time to tie it all together. No Certanties Attached was a good read but lacked your verve.

    half of me liked it/half of me hated it is something that is always in my way. Hope the DVD was the film of the 30th tour here in the states. Would love to see it.

    Your fellow man,


  25. avatar
    andy | 2 January 2011 at 11:50 pm #

    the most alluring drug of all.
    what a saucy, spicy start to the new year steve!
    so…straps…mmmmmmm….geting a bit ‘specialist’ aren’t we?

    how i miss your wit!

    busted toys bashers:
    that’l do now eh?
    we all have issues of some sort don’t we?
    and anyhow…..wasn’t this all in the last decade?

  26. avatar
    Narelle | 3 January 2011 at 12:20 am #

    How quickly you come up with a new poem. ‘Sorty sort with rock star legend’, no sorry, ‘the east pole’ must have taken quite some time. How lucky are we. The a-h, very funny Steve. Thanks a million.

  27. avatar
    davem | 3 January 2011 at 1:10 am #

    Forgive me but I think this is the one dvd of yours I’m not likely to play to the in-laws.

  28. avatar
    Steven Krut | 3 January 2011 at 2:54 am #

    I’m hoping the part about getting the DVD is fictional. If not, I hope this isn’t a blackmail attempt. Hopefully, they’re true fans and don’t want to harm you. You’ve sure done a lot of stupid things, Steve. On the other hand, look at all the colorful stories you can tell now. I was probaly sitting on some couch watching some TV show during the time you did that. Hard to tell an interesting story about sitting on a couch. If it is a blackmail attempt, just ignore them. These days, something like that going public will only make you more famous. Ha-ha! Madonna will probably call wanting to do a photo shoot with you. 🙂

  29. avatar
    Broken Boys And Beer Joes | 3 January 2011 at 6:34 am #

    ..everyone ..lets jus relax mmmmkay….breathe.

  30. avatar
    Broken Boys And Beer Joes | 3 January 2011 at 6:38 am #

    ..also comment is awaiting moderation so there….

  31. avatar
    Broken Boys And Beer Joes | 3 January 2011 at 6:47 am #

    …i guesss what im trying to say is that some things make sense only to the people or person or split personality that typed them…happy happy , and i do mean New Year..

  32. avatar
    Broken Dreams and Shattered Lives | 3 January 2011 at 8:17 am #

    Absolutely cataclysmic! Put me down for a copy of the dvd!!!!

    Yours Truly,
    Doogie H.

  33. avatar
    Freddie | 3 January 2011 at 9:15 am #

    Is it up on Youtube yet? 😀

    • avatar
      Freddie | 3 January 2011 at 2:20 pm #

      I am of course assuming that this is all fictional.
      If not, all the grief and bad karma which will surly come your way is well deserved. :^/

  34. avatar
    Tess | 3 January 2011 at 9:23 am #

    IF a true personal account, SK, I thought you didn’t listen to the lizard part of your brain giving it orders?

    We all know men have 2 heads. Unfortunately, weak men (I’m not necessarily saying SK is one) too often think with the wrong head – the one attached to their penis instead of the one fueled by the intelligence and (un-lizard) spirit of the brain.

    Men also offer one lame excuse after another for their behavior; i.e., they were drunk or using drugs, or bored or restless. And of course the best one of all — they’re “a man and can’t help it. They’re just responding to a series of chemical and electrical stimuli!” Men can really come up with the excuses can’t they? Do men really think women believe their fucking excuses? The truth is the fucking excuses WON’T and DON’T excuse them! Had a man listened to the brain housing his intelligence and spirit instead of his fucking penis brain, it would have said to him, “Get the fuck outta here!”

    This sort of behavior by men can easily lead to their downfall (and maybe fall from grace?). And this kind of behavior hurts not just men individually (and their families) but also the entire male species.

    I’m not trying to be moralistic but men need to understand that such behavior has left good women feeling that most men are incapable of real love, that most men lack any real spiritual substance, and that most men care first and foremost only about themselves and indulging themselves in their own personal pleasures. It’s obvious — most men don’t love women the way women love men.

    Do men realize how disillusioned and disappointed most women are with men today? Women aren’t perfect either; we have our faults. But even with our faults there’s no doubt that women are far superior to men as a species on this planet today.

  35. avatar
    Karen | 3 January 2011 at 10:04 am #

    oh ..ok
    popped in to see if there were any more stories or poems and theres squabbling and name calling and capital letters being used :O
    like Im back at school waiting for someone to call out “lucky legs lucky they dont break off & stick up your arse.. :O

    and elocution and grammar correction …sigh

    settle petals

  36. avatar
    dwe11er | 3 January 2011 at 10:04 am #

    alluring borges-like dream steve. perhaps you are the cameraman. or the harlot. or were you the room or the whole bloody condo? love the 13th floor. but with millions of years of evolution behind us, how could we not? the irony is that it never ends

  37. avatar
    Anonymous | 3 January 2011 at 10:33 am #

    you changed your copyright footer!

  38. avatar
    Brien Comerford | 3 January 2011 at 10:34 am #

    I just saw video footage of horrible floods in Australia. God bless all the humans and animals victimized and displaced by the floods.

  39. avatar
    Anonymous | 3 January 2011 at 2:07 pm #

    Hey SK, you’ve got a potential NYTimes bestseller there…

    “From Paisley on my Shirt to Parsley on my Teeth: The Life and Times of an Original Aussie Rocker”

    • avatar
      Lisa | 4 January 2011 at 4:19 am #

      Hilarious! Hey I would buy a copy…..and if it’s anything like today’s blog, all the better 😀

  40. avatar
    Cocoamo | 3 January 2011 at 2:28 pm #

    Ye gads. Started off funny – I was chuckling as usual, then it turned disturbing-wriggle around uncomfortably in your seat disturbing. Sodom and Gomorrah disturbing. The sound track to that flaming stream of consciousness would have to be Angelica – a selection that always frightens me with its darkness. It would be interesting to know how the time frames of this experience and the creation of Angelica related to each other. It also reminded me of Leaving Las Vegas – the movie. And again, it reminded me of Walk Hard – the movie – if we can turn away from the sordid and laugh about it again. I am so glad those days are behind you.

    Rockers are, of course, so vulnerable to such temptations. I have been reading recent articles written by Keith Richards. Wow. There is that mysterious phenomenom of screaming, fainting, hysterical girls literally throwing themselves (and their underwear) at rock bands. Never could understand it.

    No good comes of it. Look at Charlie Sheen. Remember Jim Morrison. “Destined to make the same old mistakes” – Such a shame.

    I guess the question is how you managed to pull yourself out of the sucking mire–to transcend it all. How many men would have the strength you have if indeed they were given the opportunities? Don’t really know for sure about the rest of the band, but The Church all seem to have risen above it all? I am thankful.

    Your Friend in Pennsylvania
    (Now in Cocoa Beach)

  41. avatar
    THE BLOG POLICE | 3 January 2011 at 4:00 pm #

    …and now for something completely different..oh.. and Darrin has to pay a fine of 50 whatevers to s kilbey care of pay pal for Blalking and Blander..
    ..nice day ..the BP..

  42. avatar
    Shoffy | 3 January 2011 at 4:34 pm #

    Wow…….this blog was brilliant.

  43. avatar
    neptune | 3 January 2011 at 5:12 pm #

    I can’t read longgggg posts (not referring to TTB) without paragraph breaks – It hurts my eyes, so if anyone is offended by anyone’s posts, do like me … and just scrollll past them………And oh yeah … PEACE!

  44. avatar
    hellbound heart | 3 January 2011 at 5:55 pm #

    DAMN!!! such argy-bargy!!

  45. avatar
    eekie | 3 January 2011 at 9:42 pm #

    To Steve and other readers — I apologise in advance for the length and tone of this comment. Darrin bashed me repeatedly over the past few days here, so I’m responding here. This will be my one and only comment on the subject.

    Darrin — Wow. What a disproportionate response to my comment. Seriously — you got this bent out of shape because I “corrected” you? Jesus…who shit in your cheerios? The numbers you cite are those of comments, not readers. The number of readers of Steve’s blog has never been in the single digits. Never. Yes, the number of readers varies, and when the church tours his readership (and often the number of comments) is higher than at other times, but this:

    “I can easily count the electric souls who attend mass on a daily basis on my two hands and one footy”

    is simply not true. …unless you have shitload of fingers and toes on your hands and feet…. Then again, perhaps only some of us are electric souls. What the hell is an electric soul anyway?

    And Darrin, read again some of what you wrote about other fans:

    “TO ME – that implies that unless he is entertaining the masses…his words,thoughts,emotions,visions, are not being read and heard and in some circles, meaningless. This disappoinments me. We have a saying here in the states for sports fans who follow a given team only when its winning or popular, they are called ‘fair-weather-fans’. And thats what my discouragement comes from. So many of then out there-living a lie. Sort of like reading the first couple pages and than the last couple pages of the ‘hot’ book or such. And than going around and telling everyone HOW GREAT IT WAS !!! How fuckin fake is that !!!!”

    Because other fans don’t express their fandom the same way you do, you call them liars and fakes? You talk of a community here, but what kind of community spirit is this? There are a lot of wonderful fans — actually the vast majority of people (fans) who read Steve’s blog rarely or never comment — that you have not only dismissed, but actually attacked because you don’t see them comment here or they don’t respond to this blog the way you feel they should. While it is your right to do so, attacking others while whining that people are attacking you makes you a fucking hypocrite.

    About your ad nauseam public dressing down of me — did it ever occur to you that shit could be happening that has thrown my life into complete turmoil? Did it ever occur to you to give me the benefit of the doubt? It certainly seems to me that you just assumed the worst. Yes, responding to you got pushed way, way down my list of priorities and has stayed there (it’s now completely off that list). I was actually sorry that I hadn’t been able to get back to you with a critique of your paintings, but after you’ve bashed me several times over the past couple of days I don’t feel at all bad about it any more. Apparently having more urgent things to take care of than a critique of your paintings makes me a horrible person in your eyes — so be it. I can certainly live with that.

    As for your apology — it’s not really an apology if you keep bashing afterward. Jesus Christ, how many times do you really need to say “Holly was mean to me…snivel, snivel, snivel”?

    I do wonder why you felt the need to spew all this crap here. (I realise I’m now spewing crap here also, but I’m just responding to the attacks you’ve made on me, and unlike some people — ie. you — this will be my one and only comment on this subject, no matter how much more you bash me. If it gives your life meaning to bash me every single time you post for the rest of time — go for it.) The only reason I can come up with is that you are trying to embarrass and humiliate me in front of other fans and especially in front of Steve. There are people who read this blog who don’t like me. There are people who read this blog who do like me. There are people who read this blog who don’t give a flying fuck about me either way (I’ll bet the vast majority fall into this category). Whatever you write about me isn’t likely to change many people’s opinions of me, and if it has…well, whoop de doo.

    Which leaves Steve. Darrin — Steve already knows I’m a bitch, and I’m pretty sure he considers it one of my best attributes. 😉

    • avatar
      BROKEN TOYS AND HEROS | 4 January 2011 at 1:07 am #

      Hey Holly,

      Cool, I am glad you wrote this reply. I did make a mistake and I thought I corrected my error with saying that I was sorry a couple of times and stopped. Many other people began attacking me, I rightfully defended myself. Just as you have here. I have a feeling that this will not end at this point. Others will continue the assult at you or me, thats fine. Yes, I was irked when you corrected me, something you have never done in the past. Did it occur to you…also…that I was having a down day and did not appreciate your response at the beginning or are you the only person capable of having shit and turmoil whirl around in their lives. I am sorry that your life has encountered difficulties, I hope that everything works out positively for you. Now, readers out there will take ‘my reply’ to you as a tail drag. And as you have clearly stated above, fuck them because as you informed me that ‘bitch’ is a consideration of opinion to many. I never would never address you as such. What I found funny regarding your reply post is how you inquired on my use of ‘electric souls’, It is a term used for web dwellers from a poem that I read. I often have a challenge understanding some of the descriptions that people use from other countries on this and other sites, that is common, but I have never ridiculed it, or them for it.

      Darrin K.

    • avatar
      TwiztidWicked | 4 January 2011 at 7:16 am #

      Okay first of all… Your indecent comments are sickening. You bash Darrin and try to “correct” him yet whomever was wrong in this situation has apologized and whatnot.. Yet continuous fake accounts are made to bash someone who’s been a loyal reader on this blog for many years, along with myself. I enjoy reading SK’s poetry and view his artwork on a daily basis, and to be honest I have to agree with Darrin. Yes, when the band is off on a little break, there is less to say because everything seems a bit dead and off for a while on the blog… Yet.. as holidays or tour on-goings continue to roll on, us fans do in fact read and write more..

      Bashing on someone’s sexuality, social and native-land life is ridiculously retarded and is seen to be done by idiotic childish mental patients. This is a blog where.. Well.. where people are allowed to express their feelings and opinions on a daily basis? Am I right? I mean Steve does it, and we comment on it, why? ‘Cause we care for him and his work. It’s called respect, and quite frankly it seems as though many people on this blog has lost it. It’s one thing to kid around and joke upon someone’s rights and opinions, but to actually say they’re WRONG and try to correct them and/or their lifestyle because you think you have big balls sitting on your cheap little computer whacking off to childish kiddie porn. I for one am a huge fan of Dispatch and found the post he wrote quite amusing, because he is doing something nice to others on this blog, sharing his opinion and his likes and dislikes to the community. If you don’t like what he or anyone else has to say, then ignore it and move on, but it’s quite utterly disrespectful to someone to bring personal life into a blog site where a community is meant to read and write and enjoy.

      All of this animosity has been brought to this blog and for one I know SK is probably either pissed off, annoyed, or laughing his nuts off… Because of the shameless souls we have on this blog who live to troll others for their beliefs. There is no post/character count.. Even one is entitled to their own opinion, whether thus be one sentence, or one million words. Nut up, shut up, read, write, and enjoy the work of art SK has to offer on a daily basis. If you wish to attack someone, keep it to yourself and just forget about it. Don’t ensue in trash writing annoyances to the other blog members.. Your like-status will drop down and people will seem to ignore you, like they should have done from day one.

      As for SK! I’m so excited for the coming U.S. Tour!! Can’t wait to enjoy 3-4 hours of pure Epicness known as ‘the church’. Keep doing what you’ve been doing your entire life, you are a huge inspiration to everyone, douchebags and respectful human beings alike. I love your work and have continued to write because of you and for that, thank you =]

      Thanks All, have a good day.. And quit the disrespect, it’s a blog site, not 4chan, keep hatred to yourself and let people express their emotions and opinions, cause thats what WE are entitled to.

      • avatar
        BROKEN TOYS AND HEROS | 4 January 2011 at 10:43 am #

        Thanks Wicked One. You are spot on. The Church are in a universe outside all of music, and Dispatch have positioned themselves to hopefully, become 1/10th the band that ‘the church’ are present day and past. What sets Dispatch aside from so many is that they began their music and foudations/funds at the same time which is very noble for 3 young men to do.

        Darrin K.

  46. avatar
    veleska1970 | 3 January 2011 at 9:59 pm #

    all i can say is, wow.

  47. avatar
    bc | 4 January 2011 at 2:01 am #

    always enjoy the drug references…and the honesty

    happy new year everyone


  48. avatar
    kell | 4 January 2011 at 3:36 am #

    It’s too late…..probably won’t even read this. But it’s gotta be done.
    Firstly, this ‘thing’ didn’t take place, except in Kilbey’s imagination (nightmare), right???
    It’s a test, to see what responses he’ll get from his congregation (us).
    At least, i hope.
    So, my response is…..

    Or did they get swept away in the post-tour demonic tidal wave of Kilbey’s egomania GONE MAD?!!! Oh God i hope not!
    I want to see a man achieve what Kilbey has, and continues to, and be FUCKING FAITHFUL to the GOOD in his life, to his LOVED ONES and to his OWN TRUE SELF, instead of rushing headlong, carelessly & stupidly, into the traps & snares of the dark. C’MON YOGI WAKE UP!!!
    What’s the fucking point of being a vegetarian, yoga-practiser if it all stops dead when it comes to the test of lust/the fallen woman archetype? How many lifetimes is it going to take, dude, to master this one??? Other men have done it, now how about you???
    Do you ever consider the source of where those songs come from within you, and what that source really wants 4 you & your life?!? Do you ever even give it a thought?
    My advice: Take a walk in the park. In a forest. And please fucking consider it. ‘Cause if your story is true, you’re done for. Not only spiritually, not only in the very structure of your life, but also in the way the world is going to see you if this is made public.
    Sick shit indeed.
    Symptomatic of these end times we’re living in….
    I’m after the New Beginning.
    Are you, Mr Kilbey?
    P.S.Please call Karin. I wanted to write this back in Dec. Maybe you already have. How she’s been good to you…(just my opinion)
    God Bless!!!

  49. avatar
    post-punk rocker | 4 January 2011 at 8:09 am #

    I love the way you describe the delicious thoughts in regards to the romantic idealisms….imagining puffy cumulus clouds, spring-like temperatures on idealistic sunny days. Lying on the grass, staring up at the sky, wondering where the other worlds lead to.

    Thanks SK for your euphenisms always & stay happy. Think of your wonderful wife, family, friends with the band, fans who adore you & of course your talent which has taken you this lengthy period of time! Happy New Year 🙂

  50. avatar
    Once | 5 January 2011 at 4:31 am #

    Funny after I read this I was thinking about how far technology has come since I first became a Church fan, and how I would have killed to have access to this blog 20 years ago…I am grateful to Mr. Kilbey for sharing his writings and other work with us. And also to Marty for being on stalkbook…um…Facebook, that is. I’m not going to bicker, because, well, this isn’t my page! Bickering is for Facebook! LOL.

    Abuse it and lose it, that would suck.

    Thanks again, Steve.

    • avatar
      Richard | 8 January 2011 at 10:56 pm #

      I’ll second that once

  51. avatar
    Fez | 7 January 2011 at 11:53 pm #

    Clues to “No Time at All”?

  52. avatar
    lily was here | 8 January 2011 at 11:05 pm #

    oh man, how did I miss this one?!! holy fuck?
    now that I’ve got that out, my first thought was “I hope you were under the influence of safe sex” followed by “holy fuck, is this actually real?” and that maybe I don’t want to know the real answer

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