posted on December 3, 2008 at 7:22 pm

i dont want to alarm you
but i’m plummeting thru your hands
there i go
tho you do gasp n grasp
you can never seem to get a hold
i live on september the thirteenth island
its right between easter island n christmas island
fact : the sudden sunlight circulates in the seaspray
the sea spray that i see that i say is spray is missed
the sand that i planned to demand in my hand is beyond
understanding
god says every grain of sand is numbered
“hi,
if youre holding this grain of sand
it belongs to s. kilbey
some romantic beach shack
13th of september island
this grain of sand is # 57378885643
a reward will be paid for its return”
my island home
my island home
my island home
is a’waiting for me
beach comber come home now
come in from the heat
yeah i had a man friday once
boy thursday i called him
gee its thursday today
well waddiya know
i had to let him go
every damn thing on the island…
1st the volcano
2nd the crocs
3 rd the sharks
in equal 3rd the snakes
5th the spiders
6 th jellyfish
etc
he had a problem with everything you know
and i dont take to whiners or shirkers
oh yeah he could speak a crude form of english :
he was educated at lyneham high, after all
a kind of ex-strange student
a very impudent student if i may say so
after he bullied me all the way thru a double metalwork period
i still was stupid enuff to hire him tire him then fire him
jesus lyneham high
they said 16 per cent of canberras pregnancies were from lyneham high
or was that the amount of urine in dickson pool
or was that the number who ended up in jail
which we sometimes spell gaol
which suggests how very random n ridiculous things are
i did a little island-ology at school
which is lucky
cos i know how to light a cigarette
or open a bottle of beer with my former teeth
my grass skirt had weeds which hurt my legs
we had a little island set up inside a classroom
we’d dress up like the black n white minstrels
n chuck connors n shake spears
n we’d row out to the shimmering sea
and net monsters between our canoe
can you?
i doubt it …..
miss waddlespoon our teacher kept me back
n showed me
what happened when the white hot lava
hit the warm pink sea
i hid in her caves
she stood on my promontory
we stripped back the jungle around the lagoon
island-ology was looking good for me
later the deputy head
miss mountjoy
chose me to represent our school in terraforming
she took great interest in my use of basalt
my obsidian swirls were the talk of lyneham
oh how i loved my bauxite shavings
how they smiled on my molten core
but thats the real world
and here….
just a small dessert island with only 2 airports
september the 13th island
just a dot on the map of love
just a tiny
i wake in the morning
the salty air blowing round my beard
the parrots screeching in the canopy
pilate talking in the cockpit
the survivors stum-ball around in their pear-o-chutes
oh look maude…its steve kilbey
yes! welcome to my island
some of you may never go home again
(ooh i hope not…!)
please dont eat the coconuts with SK engravied on them
please dont feed the monkeys
or monkey with the feed
please avoid the mountain trail after 5 pm
as it will be closed for ambushes
please take your room key with you if you go swimming
its good for jabbing in the sharks n sea-snakes eyes
bathe near chubby children…the crocs prefer em
no fertility dancing or appeasing the sun god after 11 pm
all castaways should be out of huts by 11 pm
no sunburn no blisters no service
dont wee in our rockpools
we dont put winkles down your toilet
dont vandalise our volcano
the collection of fiery ash is strictly forbitten
caution : human sacrifice next ten miles
watch out for falling cannibals!
i am a suave olde island meister
the sun n sin king
sinking

22 Responses to “plunger”

  1. avatar
    davem | 3 December 2008 at 9:11 pm #

    Shaken, but you’ll be pleased to hear not stirred, at the image of you in that grass skirt.

  2. avatar
    sanfoin | 3 December 2008 at 9:12 pm #

    a willy wonka fantasy (but this one inappropriate for children)

  3. avatar
    davem | 3 December 2008 at 9:13 pm #

    I’m first comment.
    Freezingournutsoff northern hem 1, enjoyyourbloodysummerwe’renotjealousatall
    southern hem 0.
    x

  4. avatar
    davem | 3 December 2008 at 9:15 pm #

    and where’s the womb gone Sue? I don’t seem to have been able to log on for days?

  5. avatar
    ticktockclarice | 3 December 2008 at 9:39 pm #

    Lol, super silly blog today Steve. You came over all Slartibartfast in the middle there. Did you win an award for your bauxite shavings? And i’m sorry, i know i’ve been obsessing about The Boosh lately but this blog reminded me of The Milky Joe episode which i have to say, is pure genius. When Vince parks his bamboo car and activates the alarm?!! Who THINKS of that stuff, ha ha? Except your fine self of course, i can see why you like it.
    Still a bit worried about the references you keep putting in there about losing it, slipping away etc. You’re not trying to prepare us in your own cryptic way for something being very wrong are you? I really hope not. Born on Sept 13th, you never had a chance, you poor bastard. Could there be a grimmer birthdate? Mind you, Moby was born on Sept.11 and he seems like a happyish little fella.
    Just remember, life is suffering. Working through it is how we grow. At the very least there should be a corker of an album out of this rough patch. Keep strapping on that Fender and we’ll keep listening to the pain. Aloha!
    Btw, Davem, our beautiful summer weather didn’t last very long so don’t be too envious. Back to bleak n cloudy today. Has been an unusually long, cold spring in Perth. What global warming??

  6. avatar
    eek | 3 December 2008 at 9:41 pm #

    davem — Hotel Womb is having some issues which are being worked on now. If you click here, you should be able to access the site.

  7. avatar
    princey | 3 December 2008 at 11:21 pm #

    Not sure what you’re trying to tell us here sk, should we be alarmed? Hope u r ok.
    Take care, love Amanda
    (I’m listening to new GB3 right now, no sign of you sinking voxally, beautiful stuff mr k!)

  8. avatar
    Queen Hatshepsut | 4 December 2008 at 12:01 am #

    I had to laugh at this one
    “bathe near the chubby children…the crocs prefer em”
    zing! hee hee

    instead of making me think of beautiful tropical islands a la Fiji or the Maldives (my personal fave even if some are sinking, sadly)…i thought of the Island of Misfit Toys from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

    No doubt because I’ve been forced to wrap Christmas gifts for days and listen to happy happy Christmas music. Ugh. That island always makes me so sad. I feel like I belong there.

    My mum was born on August 13th and she complains about it every year. It’s hotter than h*** and I suppose she doesn’t care for the 13th either.

    Anyway, Princey has it – I really hope you’re OK and if not – talk to someone, anyone. Life is suffering, yes, but we can transcend and accept…

    I hope you do not think of us all as a bunch of names and avatars/icons on yer blog, but as actual people who care about YOU, Steve Kilbey the PERSON – not the singer, the song writer, the writer, the poet, the painter, the father, the husband, the brother, the son, the rock star, haha…but YOU, the human being. Remember Steven, some of us have eaten awful dinners with you and watched your sound checks and stood in the rain being insulted by Marty, haha. We care about YOU and you’d better know it!
    love and friendship,
    denise
    xxoo

  9. avatar
    HIj'Qa | 4 December 2008 at 1:55 am #

    Been watching Crusoe?

  10. avatar
    Hellbound Heart | 4 December 2008 at 5:00 am #

    this miss waddlespoon sounds like a piece of work! very unprofessional behaviour on her part, taking advantage of a young lad like that…
    love always….

  11. avatar
    markobears | 4 December 2008 at 8:04 am #

    I started searching for islands. There’s some fairly cheap ones out there. Anyone want to start a new country?

  12. avatar
    lily was here | 4 December 2008 at 8:26 am #

    Hilarious, clever blog. Is there an early check-in? Does S Cummings live on that island too? You two would be a right pair together. Jeez, keep those coconuts covered up wont ya.

    Hearts appeared in my comment the other day. I have absolutely no idea how. Weird.

    xoxo
    Dave! How would I know? Ask the piano player 🙂 HW went yuku on me the other day I noticed, I think you have to type that to get in now.

    Xmas rhyme for you:
    “Christmas is coming
    The geese are getting fat
    But as we’re vegetarian
    We wont be having that!”

  13. avatar
    steve kilbey | 4 December 2008 at 9:03 am #

    n people
    killing christmas trees is sad
    what a waste!

  14. avatar
    davem | 4 December 2008 at 9:16 am #

    Sue – you know EVERYTHING!! Tee hee.
    Don’t have a real tree in any case ‘cos of the mogs paws.

  15. avatar
    Anonymous | 4 December 2008 at 11:21 am #

    geese
    yum yum
    roasted with gravy, and salt
    mmmmm
    just grab the buggers ’round the head and break their neck, and pluck ’em (stuff ’em in boiling water to get those feather out easy)
    big fat eggs too, decorated, then smashed, keep the good ones for keepsakes
    mmmm
    Why not kill the trees for Christmas? They’re only radiata pines after all, weeds in most parts of the world.
    And don’t worry, I’m only kidding about those little gooses, they’re not turkeys.
    Now that’s roastin’. ha ha

  16. avatar
    Freddie | 4 December 2008 at 1:49 pm #

    SK,
    I love this stuff you do; I’m a little envious tho 🙂
    I’m waiting for the new holographic trees which are surely coming soon to a store near you.

    Denise,
    Ah come on! surely sweet Marty wouldn’t insult Steve’s fans! 😉
    My child was born on Friday August 13th during a storm.
    We’re keepin’ a close eye on him.

  17. avatar
    ScaughtFive | 4 December 2008 at 4:28 pm #

    “n chuck connors and shake spears” Heh! I’ll be laughing all the way to the fog bank.

    Dave Infamy

  18. avatar
    Brien Comerford | 4 December 2008 at 6:39 pm #

    I wholeheartedy agree with SK. No Christmas trees killed by me. For Christmas I place a Saint Martin De Porres statue on an artificial wreath. That’s it ! No lights or other ostentatious crap.

  19. avatar
    Freddie | 4 December 2008 at 6:55 pm #

    I love my ostentatious crap.

  20. avatar
    davem | 4 December 2008 at 7:24 pm #

    Thank-you eekie.
    x

  21. avatar
    knot | 5 December 2008 at 9:13 pm #

    delighted but late
    not that I doubted you
    could spell obsidian.

  22. avatar
    CSTCoach | 16 December 2008 at 6:55 pm #

    ahh, what’s next? is this the set up for a postmodern Tempest?


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