posted on April 25, 2008 at 9:53 pm

feeling troubled and anxious myself
something not feeling right
worried about money
worried about the future
my ears ring
my teeth in bad shape
winter comes and everything seems a struggle
a million things to do
falling behind further and further
cannot keep up or hope to keep up with it all
red tape to go through
forms to fill in
appointments to keep
look in the mirror…getting old
(you are old!)
falling behind and slacking off with my disciplines
the bad habits and vices dominate
tonight i’m playing at someones wedding
its making me nervous too
i dont want to cock this gig up….
but i imagine that i could
yeah…playing at a wedding…the wedding singer
ha ha
ive done the parties here comes the weddings
actually the truth is i walk away with more money
from these types of gigs
than when i do the blah blah blah lounge in town
so…
i’m all confused
plus
i realise i’m still not “working” working, right?
i should be happy, i guess
but i always wanted more than i ever got
and i s’pose i’m like humanity in that way
anyhow seeing this IS my blog
i can confide that i always thought
something or someone would come along
recognize my “talent”
and somehow i could recover from the heroin days
when i lost everything i had
but
as time goes on n on
i cant see it ever happening
and i’ve become a bit of a jack of all trades
which is alright
in itself
but im not feeling real confident right now
in any way at all
any small wave coming along could sink the ship in fact
i know you all got the same worries as me
and none of this is anything new
nor can i come up with anything sunny today
even tho it is actually sunny outside in sydney
i feel cold broke and on the outside looking in
the inevitable moves in closer
and dreams recede
petty ambitions
petty obstructions
i see complete imbeciles living it large
and im filled with caustic envy and jealousy
i see injustice and evil and hopelessness
and im filled with impotent useless rage
i see this world and i feel nothing ever changes
just like me in microcosm
plagueing myself with the same old stuff
nothing much on the horizon
except more argy-bargy
more wrangling n jostling
more ducking n fuckin’ weaving
this is how it is….
today….
yet we are changeable creatures
there is always hope….we hope
anyhow if you got kids you cant give up
which makes things even harder
you gotta try n put a good face on it
you gotta do your best
and you gotta do whatever you can
you do everything for the children
who grow up move out
and then it all starts all over for them
we are born into red tape and argy-bargy
we get sent to school for an “education”
which really means
programmed to fit into the system
the pre-existing system of civilization
the other beasts dont work so hard as us
they just live life in the moment
yeah
most of em got food n shelter and sex
the things that motivate humans…
but they dont sit in offices to get it
they dont drive trucks for thousands of miles
or dig ditches everyday
or lug boxes or make deliveries
or down mines in the dark
or up some pole fiddling with the wires
consider the dolphins who spend only 10 % of their time
catching fishies
the rest of the time they play and swim and presumably have “fun”
my old man worked 6 days a week his whole life
and he had his “fun” on sunday afternoon..if he had any energy
i used to think we humans had it made
but now im not so sure…
anyway
nothing you can really do about it
even if you recognize it
but….
couldnt it have been more than this?
im not complaining really
i got it easy…i know i know
its just….

30 Responses to “pommy whinger”

  1. avatar
    PAGEY | 25 April 2008 at 10:48 pm #

    hang in there Steven, life is too short to live with one job…take up a new website/blog with ads on vegan ism and the like, lots of revenue there

  2. avatar
    ml68 | 25 April 2008 at 10:51 pm #

    hey dude

    yep we all feel like this at one stage or the other…probably playing a wedding tonite doesnt help…however, money is money and anything that helps your family get by is definitely filled with integrity by the very fact that u’re protecting the ones you love…all the best sk.

  3. avatar
    William | 25 April 2008 at 11:29 pm #

    You almost quoted the the line …the one that I think of *all* the time — “obsessed with the past / scared of the future / I never took the time to be here today” Most of us in a nut shell, I’d say. And, as you point out, in this world we’ve found ourselves in — chosen to come into if you prefer — it sometimes seems like *everything* is set up to keep us in this trap. And I know it’s tougher sometimes…to be here, to be in it, the moment. I know that.

    But see, you wrote that song and illustrated the construct so well — before I even had a real grasp on it’s existence I think. So I also *know* you’re well beyond hip to game they’re running on us man. 🙂

    Hang in Killer. Hang in.

    –William

  4. avatar
    captain mission | 26 April 2008 at 12:17 am #

    hang in here brother i believe in you. responsibility brings a certain type of freedom, weddings parties, digging ditches, anything, its the intent that counts right?
    catch waves if you get a chance, it will re orientate everything and make you think about the important things, like :
    are my shorts still on
    which ways up
    breathing

  5. avatar
    Sharka | 26 April 2008 at 12:23 am #

    I was discussing the state of the world with a client the other day. I was saying how there has never been a country or a time in history when so many people have had it so good. Australia really is the lucky country, or at least the Melbourne part of it is!

  6. avatar
    Richard | 26 April 2008 at 12:29 am #

    ok

    as good a time as any to tell a story that never fails to amuse me (no matter how low I’m feeling)

    an old flatmate of mine was camping with some friends near her home in Northern Scotland. It was freezing cold and they were warming themselves up with large quantities of Bailey Irish Cream

    one of them, a bloke, overdid it and passed out

    the others, worried that he was going to be sick, decided in their drunken wisdom to move him (in his sleeping bag) out of the tent

    evenually they all drifted off into a deep alcoholic coma

    only to be woken a few hours later by frantic fumbling at the tent zipper from outside

    followed by the sight of their mate’s head coming in through the zipper and hurling all over the occupants of the tent

    it turned out he’d woken up not realising that he was already outside the tent!

    (it’s a tragedy of Shakespearean proportions)

  7. avatar
    Brien Comerford | 26 April 2008 at 12:38 am #

    My prayers to St. Martin De Porres and Christ for Linda’s loss.

    Since I at times vicariously live through this blog I’m raving mad at the music industry and related principals for not enabling THe CHURCH to rightfully be an internationally recognized supergroup. Best band on the planet.

    Conversely, I’m vexed about The Church rejecting The ARIAS!

  8. avatar
    the vapor | 26 April 2008 at 1:29 am #

    why is it that most people have to do something they don’t like just to make money (they call that “making a living. that seems absurd)”? it seems like a waste of life…& there’s only so much life we get here. even working in the music biz as i do is trying. shifting units, illegal downloading blah, blah blah.
    the fun i get is helping marty with some shows here in portland & seattle. do i get paid? no & i don’t care. i WANT to do it & that’s where the fun comes in. it’s about art & inspiration. marty said he should consult young artists about what not to do in this business as he has no money either…then again, they’re young artists with no money to pay him!
    we’ve got to really live our lives…not “make” a living…i guess we all have to do some things we don’t like for cash so we aren’t homeless but there’s got to be a better way.

  9. avatar
    veleska1970 | 26 April 2008 at 1:35 am #

    this one really hit home today for me, as i’m sure for a lot of us out here in fiendland. sometimes you feel like you’re just struggling, like trying to run while standing in waist-deep mud.

    “couldnt it have been more than this?”
    yeah, it sure feels like it should, huh?

    don’t fret about your performance at the wedding. you’ll be just fine, steve.

    lotza love….

  10. avatar
    MEM | 26 April 2008 at 2:17 am #

    …the ship
    doesn’t sink
    without all
    of going down
    with it.

    …try to
    hang on
    but
    to what?

    the trick
    like
    you say is to become
    merrmen…

    and merrmaids.
    take to the
    water
    breathe in what before would
    have killed
    us…

    breathe deep

  11. avatar
    Vedantic dreams | 26 April 2008 at 2:38 am #

    Faith ye children..
    n SK get dem records out
    Im saving my pennies just waiting to send them along…
    I would try to consider the sponsoring of your music for a healthy subscription.. I see it as a good venture as the soul permits…

    trust me.. Ive worked in bars n restaurants, gas stations, Ive done construction and all of that while tooling around at the university and taking my mind on good trips…I dont really regret any of it.. it made me appreciate all the bliss to come… and I coulda made better choices and not followed some paths of desire.. I know it aint easy… but hey I was also five centimeters from being a quadriplegic from a accident… I was spared and love goes on anyway…

    stay light..

    jaime r………..

    But

  12. avatar
    matt davison | 26 April 2008 at 5:20 am #

    Hey that ship could sink @high tide but I ve got the submarine going on now pal……

    -D left last week dog and cat nxt day, I ve been working In Mt Gambia South Australia up a 75 foot crane fixing a dust unit on the side of a factory.

    I have nowhere to live and the fuccers that I am staying with revolt me with their lack of hygene
    and personal manners.
    D just called from NZ in tears caus a pig clamped her borrowed car in Auckland and loneliness has taken over

    I have eight dolleerros to my name and felling like a……….canne find a word

    in a cold melbey internet cafe’..
    listening to vile pomy tourists plan world travel… moaning about the costs..Fuc they tripple there fuccin pounds coming here and quadrupple it in NZ.;.

    charges, moaning…costs blah blah.. fuc et lets just go to spain says one..

    I curse them as I write

    Sk dees shoes aint that great either ma man..

    And I am Kilbey live director, merch guru, famous artist and once $1700 a day tv actor..

    I am 34 year old fuc up!!!

    apart from Ill heath

    or being a straight

    it’s as badde as it gets

    ya see

    ya see..

  13. avatar
    princey | 26 April 2008 at 5:36 am #

    A gloomy blog on a gloomy Melby day, I can sympathise with you sk, but remember “money doesn’t bring you happiness”. You say “there’s nothing much on the horizon”, but I thought you had SO MUCH coming up in the near future sk, all those new releases etc, don’t they mean anything to you anymore? It’s hard to see it from your side though sk, you’re the one creating & giving us the music,art,words etc that we (the fans) can cherish and enjoy forever, but I guess you don’t really get much in return for all your efforts. I really hope something big will happen for you this year sk, I’d hate to see you give up and never hear from you again….where would we fiends be without you sk! Dont make me cry now:(
    lvoe Amanda

  14. avatar
    princey | 26 April 2008 at 5:41 am #

    P.S. Hi Matt, sorry to hear about your bad times at the moment, I hope you’ll be ok fellow church fiend
    P.P.S. To Linda,s orry toh ear about your mum passing away, hope you’re ok too:(

  15. avatar
    davem | 26 April 2008 at 6:56 am #

    SK, to me you’re the greatest talent in the world. A genius.
    Please dust off this $100 fan thingy so we can concentrate on the art??
    Love to Matt and Linda too.
    xx

  16. avatar
    CAPTAIN BEYOND | 26 April 2008 at 7:14 am #

    well the sooner i break out, the sooner you get paid…
    Jonny Hollywood

  17. avatar
    persephone2u | 26 April 2008 at 7:42 am #

    Yeah, red tape doth suck. Verily. But whenever I feel sorry for myself I just think of all of the people in this world who are doomed from their moment of birth and are starving to death out in some barren field in the middle of nowhere or small children dying in cancer wards. Then I realize that it’s all just a matter of perspective. Embrace each day and be truly thankful for everything that you have in this life!

    All of the vacant celebrities out there you’re thinking about will soon be forgotten, only to be replaced by a new set of even more vacant celebrities and media whores. It’s just the way the world is, no matter how much you fight it.

    Just concentrate on your music and remember that great art lasts forever. People are still listening to Mozart hundreds of years after the fact and will continue to for hundreds of years to come.

    Long after you are dead and gone someone will come along and put on one of your records and say, “Hey, this is really quite good!” The same cannot be said for most of the music out there today. Console yourself with that and remember that quality counts, no quantity. Even if you only had 10 people out there who felt that your music spoke to them it’s a lot better than having millions of people buy or download your record one day and then turn around and forget you the next.

    Always keep in mind that art doesn’t exist on the scale that it once did. The Beatles and the Rolling Bones would have a tough time of it today in this throwaway society and the Baudelaires and Rimbauds would be even more destitute than they were. If you can make music that you love and still manage to get paid for it then give yourself a pat on the back for a job well done!

    Now put a smile on your face, force yourself to laugh until you feel truly happy and have a great evening. 🙂

  18. avatar
    golden thorn in my paw | 26 April 2008 at 9:43 am #

    I empathize

  19. avatar
    Renee | 26 April 2008 at 11:32 am #

    I was in a similar situation a year and a half ago,
    in a dead end job, totally hating life,
    money was an issue, and I felt I was no where near what I had envisioned for myself,
    While at that job, and in between reading your blogs,
    I posted a resume online for my dream job, and then never thought about it again
    Four months later and disgusted with the job I was in, I put in my resignation not really knowing what to do next,
    the same week I left, I got a call from my dream employer and I’ve been with them ever since.
    It always called to mind the story of Jesus and his disciples in the boat,
    the storms came and Jesus called Peter (I think it was him) to step out of the boat,
    sometimes we need to show our faith (in whatever it is you believe in) by stepping out into the unknown, demonstrating our trust,
    and following our gut feelings

    Also you have to ask yourself,
    Is the plan we have for ourselves in line with the divine plan?

    xxoo

  20. avatar
    The Aquarian | 26 April 2008 at 12:13 pm #

    Son, even the rich have worries, just more expensive ones.

  21. avatar
    melissa | 26 April 2008 at 12:20 pm #

    Completely empathise SK .. sometimes I just want to switch the old brain off, even just for a day, to stop all the needless worry and overthinking. Someday’s are better than others ‘eh?

    Just want to also pass on my sincere condolences to Linda .. I’m so sorry 🙁

    xx

  22. avatar
    mahatma kane jeeves | 26 April 2008 at 12:22 pm #

    how depressingly eloquent. money problems cast a fog of misery over whatever else is going on, no matter how good. sorry that you are feeling it. good luck for the gig.

  23. avatar
    B.Bon | 26 April 2008 at 2:31 pm #

    There is something about wedding work which seems slightly depressing for the artist….believe me, I know, I currently sit editing a wedding job right now. I do it, and have done it because it’s very bloody profitable and there are more bread eaters in my family than bread winners. Having said that, I have been very proud of some of the work that has been produced at these most intimate of occasions. I (for no good reason) thought I would be a star too…..but was blighted by self doubt and lack of confidence (and very likely lack of talent!) and there is still a small, bitter longing for what I believed and expected my fate to be.

    As middle-aged parents with bills and responsibilities do we have a right to such feelings? Should we buck up and be thankful? Is it mere regret or something more? How are just rewards measured? At what point should we be ‘satisfied’? Are we victims of a purely western discontentment? Are we all leading lives of quiet desperation?

    If anyone can answer these questions then bloody well do, cos I’d like to know…and if anyone says mid-life bloody crisis – I’ll have ya!

    Having said that, I have been feeling the bite of melancholy this week as Robert Forster has been much in the news with his new album which contains Grant’s last tunes….sigh.

    I’ll be around and able to comment as long as I can remember my google password…which is usually not very long. My contributions are well in arrears but I feel I am at least an emotionally paid up member of this community and there are a couple of old timers who will vouch for me I know. I hope you are still one of them, SK.

    Au revoir,

    B.Bon

  24. avatar
    heather | 26 April 2008 at 3:08 pm #

    …yeah…..

    xxKittykat

  25. avatar
    davem | 26 April 2008 at 4:59 pm #

    Ah B.Bon we love ya!
    Killlbbeeeyyyyy! xx
    I must look a right saddo at times…one or other Church T-shirt on under an open paisley shirt and my church badge on my lapel…..get a life dave, get a life!! You do think as I entered my mid-40’s that I’d be out of that paisley phase…..

  26. avatar
    fantasticandy | 26 April 2008 at 6:40 pm #

    sk linjo matt….

    tiny flashes…
    thats all we get.
    make ’em big as you can.
    love to you all out there….
    andy L.

  27. avatar
    John | 26 April 2008 at 8:28 pm #

    Can the song “Easy” be sold to ebay?

    John Garratt

  28. avatar
    Queen Hatshepsut | 26 April 2008 at 9:54 pm #

    Go ahead, Steve, complain – it’s your blog and sometimes *everyone* just needs to vent a little. I don’t mind – indeed, I could’ve written this particular blog myself. I’ve resigned from a teaching position because I don’t “fit” within the system’s rigid ideas of conformity; I had to leave college teaching where I had a ton of freedom to teach younger kids now I have more money but less freedom and despise the educational system and it’s massive flaws and its celebration of conformity and mediocrity. It’s been a nightmare year, let’s leave it at that.

    I hear ya on the struggles and worries and bills and appointments lost dreams and I’ve stopped expecting my life to end like some happy movie with a great soundtrack. I feel bitter and cynical – much more than I ever thought I would, at 41. I am untrusting of people and would rather spend my time alone or with animals.

    I don’t have kids but I’m not giving up either. I do imagine your worries are even more complex when you have children. I have a newborn premature niece I adore and worry about constantly; can’t imagine what my own child would do to me. Wish I could say something to make it all better but I can’t. I’ve seen you in large rooms playing to hundreds and hundreds and I’ve seen you in smaller rooms playing to small crowds and I’m envious of the wedding guests who get to hear you at all. It’s a true gift and I hope they appreciate it. The ego might feel a slight, indeed, but remember your talent is yours and the magic is no less despite the venue.

    You’re human and allowed to get frustrated, down, angry, envious whatever. I know you won’t stay that way, and that’s what’s important. Good luck at the gig (it’s probably over as I’m in the western US and way behind you time-wise).

    Sometimes I just take a deep breath and have to accept the space, the mood, the place I’m in because there’s nothing else I can do. Things do change, this too shall pass….what other cliches can I assault you with? Ha. I miss hearing your voice (in real life, natch) and hope all is OK with the family.
    love,
    denise
    xxoo

    P.S. Sincere condolences to Linda, prayers and thoughts are with you during this time of loss.

  29. avatar
    eek | 27 April 2008 at 12:15 am #

    I believe in you Steve. I know that’s not much comfort, but it’s true.

    I also struggle with most of the things you mention (but much to my disappointment, I lack your kind of talent in my own field) and sometimes get overwhelmed and incredibly discouraged.

    i got it easy

    This is the only part I disagree with. You don’t have it easy — making a living in the arts is tough, especially when you are doing it independently. While we all know having a regular job is no picnic, you don’t have to think of absolutely [i]everything[/i] they way you do when you are self employed. And let’s face it, during tough economic times people make sure to pay their basic living costs (that you have to pay also), but they are often going to wait to buy that new cd or painting.

    What you do can indeed be rewarding, but easy? No, not easy.

  30. avatar
    Son of Incogneato | 29 April 2008 at 8:45 pm #

    Art and Love – That’s all.


Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.