posted on August 21, 2008 at 9:12 pm

its like an arrow in my eye
the far thing
neither beast norman
shutting down merrie olde england
the blurred crusade…well here we go
lord parlophone having annexed lyonesse and tir na nog
approached in the etherworld by an indian spirit
he whose mountain is ever clear
and having laid waste much of south umbria
then surrounded his brother
the earl lee byrd
whereupon germany promptly sat by the rhine figuring out perspective
and some old housewives did toil upon the kilbeaux tapestry
william (billy) the conqueror
heard the 12 string burns
and captain cook us up some great southern land
french entered anglo-saxon
and begot our luverly land-gwidge
lord steven of the lowlands
architect of the resistance
already tres formidable
a renaissance man in an era of pure dross
consulted long with his lords in hyperborea
and unleashed a silvery blast on his great horn
summoning his free champions
count pieter de rooos
lord pipe-ah
and the dutch rebel dyke plog
they fought a valiant camp pain
bringing down the houses of york-razy
and laying siege to the hole of fame
who looked like a true king of old
with a proper medieval beard and everything
a special gap between the mustache
a man for all seasons
a panther in late autumn
king leer
faithful servant of his sovereign liege
upholder of the queens sheets
licking her wounds in the east tower
richard gear
shorn chronologically
oh mi lady
lord steven with the gap in his mustache
awaits your royal pleasure
in the room with soft carpets
and tiny things tinkling in the august breezes
see how his shiny chain mail clings to his bulging calves
his lute slung over his back
his grey eyes in a weather beaten yet serene face
his hand e’er on the pommel of his great sword
lest any should catch him unawares
oh even in medieval days
even in these darkling ages
a handsome man is still a handsome man
and a relief that this good kind somewhat modern looking man
should save his queens country for last
as he knelt
pledging his troth
fulfilling her oath
and craving a boon
pulling forth her own royal map
she showed him the deep fertile valleys of wessex
the lovely hills of bristol
the impregnability of her ports
the already held hampton wicke
her loyal serpent
thrust his sturdy dagger down into the map
the queen started in surprise
well-in guard n city…no no
you cannot go in there my lord
suddenly billy the kid conquer or
called mad uncle willie by his nephew cuthbert the badly-named
and called big king willie by his chambermaid ethel redding
and called king-o for short but not for long
by his plotting scheming half brother alice
meanwhile the bishop of woosta-sheer
a saucey sod
and loyal to duke umheer-offen
signed the deal with plantagenet records and tapes
and executed 40 serfs at their single launch
baron fatso from little italy was not yet on the scene
i’m almost with you said william the conk
as he gave hereward the wake up
youre fucking history mate called out king harold
hey you should check out david bowie in an eyepatch
because dude youre gonna be needing one !called back william
in norman
archers let loose he commanded
still in norman
the sun was blotted out by their shafts
their black feathered bolts rained down …oh harry!
oh england!
we are lost
we are lost!
now we’ll have to learn how to spell rendez-vous
and pronounce raison d’etre
and learn to eat what…?
bits of froggies?
meanwhile the queen stitched diligently at the kilbeaux tapas tree
and evil barren carrere
a french ponce and cheat
took off with the royalties
the houses of lang-caster
the houses of tele- caster
the houses of love and viscount guy de shad-wicke
the knights of malteasers
the bish shops and the bash shops
the slurping usurper cnut the burper
and little bonno his jester
all the tennys court with their grande balls
all perished in the sword shortage of 66
scotland took back their kilts
and the japanese attacked wales
the french went on to invent berets
the italians gave us italian and italian garlic dressing
the maltese gave us falcons
the english gave us toffee and crosse and blackwells marmalade
the irish gave us belfast frank and dublin frank
the isle of man gave us testicles
and the normans gave us wisdom
tomorrow: unravelling the 8 henrys

28 Responses to “post 1066”

  1. avatar
    tim | 21 August 2008 at 10:45 pm #

    help someone has stolen our killa and taken him to a far away place of yore!

    i think of the irish giving us dublin phil lynott…

    boys are back in town..

    have a nice day sir!

    thanks for the blog..


  2. avatar
    restaurant mark | 21 August 2008 at 10:56 pm #

    for some reason all i can picture is monty python…

    “bringing down the houses of york-razy”


  3. avatar
    Richard | 21 August 2008 at 11:05 pm #

    playin’ it bawdy this morning!

    how on earth did you manage it in your almost with you suit of armour?

    (ever since I first saw a fcuk shop I’ve thought a cnut shop would be a wonderful thing to set up next door)

  4. avatar
    heather | 21 August 2008 at 11:32 pm #

    UTMW 2 verses and 1 chorus played on “Cold Case” the other night….what a lovely surprise

  5. avatar
    princey | 22 August 2008 at 12:03 am #

    Hahaha, thanks for the laugh this morning sk, and glad to read thy royal calves got a mention…and thy royal dagger, but what about thy royal buns of steel???
    Amanda Prince-ess

  6. avatar
    veleska1970 | 22 August 2008 at 2:55 am #

    **chuckling** thanks for that. cute one!!

    lotza love….

  7. avatar
    Hellbound Heart | 22 August 2008 at 3:36 am #

    let me plough thy furrow, lady fair, wherfore art thy key to thou chastity belt, declareth the dashing knight-at-arms…
    oh, kind sir,replyeth the blushing maiden all aglow, there is something you should knoweth, i haveth a daggar of my own but i need not a scabbard to holdeth it…let me unsheath it!!!
    er, sorry guys…
    love always…

  8. avatar
    kat | 22 August 2008 at 4:31 am #

    very nice sk.. i ordered painkiller pak today!

    hey i rhymed ;]

    xo all

  9. avatar
    1st Class degree in medieval history | 22 August 2008 at 8:57 am #

    Ok, it’s like this:
    ‘Merrie Olde Englande’ is a much later period, when the unruly English peasants were considered to be almost ungovernable.
    In 1066, Harold was nominally English, although he was actually half-Danish, as was his predecessor, Edward the Confessor. The kings immediately before these 2 were Vikings. So it wasn’t some pristine Anglo-Saxon paradise that the Norman brutalists came and ravaged and then imposed order upon. There’d been Viking kings in York for over a century. Edward had been brought up at the Norman court and was William the Conqueror’s cousin. The Normans themselves were descended from Vikings who had attacked France instead of England. They’d been given Normandy to confine them to a particular area and keep em out of the rest of France. Etc.
    Ok, then, Harold was ready for William but the winds prevented the Norman invasion. Knowing that the English forces were massed in the south awaiting the Normans, the Norwegian Vikings then invaded the north under Harald Hardrada (in league with Harold’s exiled brother, Tostig).
    Harold raced up the old Roman road to the north and defeated Hardrada at Stamford Bridge. But the winds changed and while he was in York, the Normans invaded the south. Harold raced back with the elite corp, leaving the bulk of the army to march down.
    Being an absolute conniving, scheming, mean-assed motherfucker, William craftily ravaged Harold’s ancestral lands – successfully provoking Harold into attacking him before the full English army had arrived.
    Hastings was an exceptionally long battle by contemporary standards – had William’s final assault failed, darkness would have fallen and they’d’ve called it off til the next day – by which time the rest of the English army would’ve arrived. But no – Harold was killed in the final assault and the Normans carried the day. It really was that close.
    Oh, and don’t believe the 1990s revisionists who say Harold didn’t cop an arrow in the eye – this was based on a misreading of the Bayeux Tapestry and is no longer given much credence.
    I thank you.

  10. avatar
    i correct my own bilge now | 22 August 2008 at 9:02 am #

    Y’know wot? I think Edward the Confessor was actually half-Norman and it was his half-brothers who were actually half-Danish! Queen Emma being Norman, marrying the English king and then being forced to marry his Viking successor. Summat like that anyhow! Hey, I’m at work and this’s all off the top of my head, y’know!

  11. avatar
    Anonymous | 22 August 2008 at 9:08 am #

    Steven, why did you change the title of Plantagenet to September 13 ? Yeah, it’s yer birthday an’ that, but Plantagenet was cooler!

  12. avatar
    eve | 22 August 2008 at 10:44 am #

    “We don’t want that sort of thing.”

  13. avatar
    Anonymous | 22 August 2008 at 10:49 am #

    NUTBUSH!xoxo…eye eye cap’n,wot?;)

  14. avatar
    Anonymous | 22 August 2008 at 11:03 am #

    Um,, :I :)x

  15. avatar
    Anonymous | 22 August 2008 at 12:44 pm #

    I’ve got the nuts, if you’ve got the bush!

  16. avatar
    steve's dad gave him a bollocking, so steve | 22 August 2008 at 12:50 pm #

    “All right, all right, don’t chuck a William!”

    Genius, Steve, genius.

  17. avatar
    John | 22 August 2008 at 1:21 pm #

    “and called king-o for short but not for long”

    It’s because of sentences like this that I love this blog.

    John Garratt

  18. avatar
    John | 22 August 2008 at 1:22 pm #

    Selfish update to all fiends; my paternity leave start Monday. My visits to the Time Being blog will be dictated on how often I can get to a coffee shop with wireless internet.


  19. avatar
    bigtittygirl | 22 August 2008 at 2:49 pm #

    Steve, why are you so goshdarned handsome while Russell and John, erm, aren’t?!

  20. avatar
    Anonymous | 22 August 2008 at 2:52 pm #

    Topless photo of Mick Ronson’s daughter, Lisa, here:

    Don’t feel quite right to be looking at that, but hey, she posed for it, so…

  21. avatar
    Anonymous | 22 August 2008 at 3:14 pm #

    the aquaduct!?haha!bloody romans!;D xo

  22. avatar
    Cee | 22 August 2008 at 5:32 pm #

    …gods, I can’t wait to go home and have some magic cake so I can catch up to the train of thoughts…

    Cee la chica magica

  23. avatar
    tim | 22 August 2008 at 8:27 pm #

    can someone tell me how to order painkiller…i went to but i could not find anything about painkiller…

  24. avatar
    eek | 22 August 2008 at 8:50 pm #

    Tim — Click here for a link right spot. 🙂

    A fun read today Steve. I love a good laugh. 😀

  25. avatar
    eek | 22 August 2008 at 8:53 pm #

    ^ that, of course, should have read "for a link to the right spot" but I thought "how could I possibly mess that up?" so I didn't bother to to double check. >:(

  26. avatar
    Cee | 22 August 2008 at 11:05 pm #

    eek, put down the magic cake!!

  27. avatar
    knot | 22 August 2008 at 11:48 pm #

    A prentys whilom dwelled in oure citee,
    And of a craft of vitailliers was hee.
    Gaillard he was as goldfynch in the shawe,
    Broun as a berye, a propre short felawe,
    45 With lokkes blake, ykembd ful fetisly.
    Dauncen he koude so wel and jolily
    That he was cleped Perkyn Revelour.
    He was as ful of love and paramour
    As is the hyve ful of hony sweete:
    50 Wel was the wenche with hym myghte meete.
    At every bridale wolde he synge and hoppe;
    He loved bet the taverne than the shoppe.

    And I can tell you for certain that the Irish gave us Me.

  28. avatar
    lily was here | 23 August 2008 at 9:21 am #

    “now we’ll have to learn how to spell rendez-vous” 🙂

    Looking forward to the Henrys and then maybe Mad King George?

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