posted on August 25, 2010 at 7:12 am

the human gargoyle gazes down from notre damn

old kilbey old stargazer old bastard face from outta space

look at ‘im  darlin’ its that fucking kilbey

yeah life dealing to me from bottom of the deck

yeah i still manage to sing  a brand new song

oh man you got it easy kilbey

no famine no plague no war on vandals

no disaster befalleth thee

who is thy enemy but me….?

not so

i face a foe whose stronger than just my stupid self

you cant kill it with a shot or a knife

insidious  perfidious ubiquitous

almost invisible   almost no smell

almost undetectable you think

almost you think

you almost think

so hard to fight you : where are you…?

i am everywhere

what do you want from us?

everything you have

what it is you demand?

you know what i demand

yes i know

you demand to be fed

you demand mornings you demand afternoons

you demand children you demand happiness

you demand dignity you demand pride

you demand money you demand lies

you demand theft you demand anger

you demand sickness you demand chaos

i hate you

i hate you evil spirit

i hate you i always hated you

yeah i seen your work everywhere all my life

i seen your wreckage

i seen your tragic trail as you lurch through humanity

i seen the poor fuckers you sucked dry

i seen the poor suckers you fucked over

where do you live , alcoholic spirit?

i live somewhere between the body and the mind

you cannot stop me with hatred

you cannot stop me with fury

you cannot stop me with appeals to reason

you cannot get your hands round my neck

i am elusive i am tricky i am a liar

i am a destroyer i am almost unstoppable

i claim who i choose and i send ’em down until you lose

i take youth i take health i take wealth i take friends i take all

what can i do

oh what can i do?

you can do nothing

even in fighting me you give me strength

i pick up momentum every time you rail against me

i laugh at your tears

i laugh at your torment

and i get bigger and i get stronger

and i burn like a blaze inside

and i consume your lives

and i consume your love

and i burn until there is nothing left

and i move on

on and on and on

and no one

NO ONE ,KILBEY , LEAST OF ALL YOU, WILL EVER STOP ME …..

yeah but i gotta keep trying, spirit

i gotta keep trying…….



39 Responses to “science lesson”

  1. avatar
    Richard | 25 August 2010 at 8:05 am #

    .
    .
    backstreet street lamp
    burning strong
    through crazed glass
    dust and cobwebs
    .
    with moths
    in myriad trajectories
    gently, willingly
    bouncing on and off
    .
    and faceless vandals
    chucking gravel
    leaving chips and cracks
    that diffuse the light

  2. avatar
    Elvis | 25 August 2010 at 8:41 am #

    Come own Keelbey…you sayin’ that u drinkin too much!? Comeown Keelbey, give ole Elvez a sip, jussuh a lillel sip her.

    Cummon, one fur the money, two fur the show, one to get ready and go go go go…

  3. avatar
    Freddie | 25 August 2010 at 10:39 am #

    Wow, nice one today. Aye, we gotta keep trying no matter what it is that is stealing from us. I think everyone has demons of some sort, some more harmful or insidious than others and alcohol is certainly near the top.

    “It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell.” –
      —  Siddhartha Buddha

  4. avatar
    Jonny Hollywood | 25 August 2010 at 10:47 am #

    I demand my hollywood dreams damnit and you sk hold the key…

    • avatar
      Elvis | 25 August 2010 at 11:40 am #

      Come-own Jonny, how bout sum Laws Vegas Dreams yuh little Baby! Quit yur cryin and move-own withyur lie,f! Thas awe-right Mama, thas aweright with meee

  5. avatar
    eekie | 25 August 2010 at 10:55 am #

    Hug. Hang in there, hun.

  6. avatar
    Steven Krut | 25 August 2010 at 11:12 am #

    I think I understand some things now.

  7. avatar
    eekie | 25 August 2010 at 11:33 am #

    Powerful piece of writing. So bleak and pain filled I hesitate to call it beautiful, yet it is. Takes remarkable talent to do that.

  8. insidious perfidious ubiquitous — love these words. Not what they mean, of course, but how evocative they are.

  9. You might not be able to win the overall war, Steve, but I’m pulling for you to win this particular battle.

  • avatar
    princey | 25 August 2010 at 11:55 am #

    I’m so glad you didn’t get into the booze sk, you’re clean as a whistle now, right????

    Hey, I saw the Van Park Musical shpieeel on youtube, looks like you guys are having a fun time at rehearsal. I have to say, seeing you in floral is very becoming 🙂

    have a beaut day,
    love Amanda

  • avatar
    belfy | 25 August 2010 at 12:45 pm #

    You have the right approach – victory will come. I hope you’re not the only one who wants it – that’s the key. Bless you all.

  • avatar
    nic | 25 August 2010 at 12:57 pm #

    very powerful today SK … be rest assured we all have our demons … in various degrees, layers and forms … you are only human … albeit a much wise, talented, enlightened and gifted one at that ♥

  • Kraig
    Kraig | 25 August 2010 at 1:38 pm #

    It’s weird that i was watching this thing about drugs, addiction, and the human mind tonight, was on Discovery channel i think? Heck, maybe someday we’ll live in a Universe with “Synthohol” on Star Trek.

  • avatar
    Donna | 25 August 2010 at 3:06 pm #

    Hi Steve….a very moving description of feeling overwhelmed by the enemy. Good title, too. I hope you’ll be victorious!

  • avatar
    Name | 25 August 2010 at 3:09 pm #

    it’s hard to stand by and know nothing can be done. like you’re helpless and feeble and stupid and everything else that haunts us. even angry at them for making you watch; and you can’t not — because then that’s abandonment. and hope you’re not too happy when they’re finally gone, but you are because at least their torment ends and you don’t have to watch anymore; and it’s hard to cry because you knew it was coming and you already cried for so long before it was over. and then after a time, you remember something really wonderful about them just out of the blue, and it makes you smile — and then it starts reversing and all that becomes important is how much they meant to you and all they gave that was good.

  • avatar
    Darling Baby Pie | 25 August 2010 at 4:54 pm #

    Isn’t it strange how often someone’s addiction torments & tortures those witnessing it more than those who are living it and inflicting it?
    Don’t let anyone spoil even one day for you Killa B.P.P

    PS:
    I assume you wear a black skivvy, dark sunglasses & a black beret when you are blogging 🙂

  • avatar
    ticktockclarice | 25 August 2010 at 7:43 pm #

    Your blog meant so much to me today, as all your anti-alcohol ones do. Have had a very bad few days trying to douse the many harmful spotfires in my life caused by my latest binge on the devil’s elixir Sat night. Have been a binge alcoholic for almost 20 years now, off and on (mostly on), have tried almost everything under the sun to stop bar an exorcism and believe me, i’m considering that. It is the most humiliating, degrading disease. You’re spot on, you can’t fight it with reason, logic or anger. I consider myself a decent, hardworking, fairly intelligent person most of the time (hey, i listen to The Church don’t i?) but that evil shit turns me into a pathetic, raving, dribbling looney once a week, strips me of all dignity and pride (not to mention money, friends and decent quality skin) and causes me endless embarrassment (lowest point so far this year, accosting Steve after a gig blind drunk even though i know he detests it and raving about my CAR of all fucking things. Alright if my car was cool i guess. It’s a GETZ!) And people judge and tell you it’s a willpower thing (you’re so selfish. Just stop already) OH! Oh, is THAT all i have to do? Just stop?? well, thanks for that. Yeah, try being a fly on the wall of the inside of my head when the craving starts, it’s not that simple. The demon possesses you until you give in, it’s like you’re not even yourself, your logical side flies right out the window. I come from a long line of alcoholics on both sides. Most have died sad, lonely deaths, broken down in nursing homes (begging for alcohol till the bitter end) and the ones that kicked it did so only through finding Jesus. Not likely in my case. Used to think i was too smart to believe in God. Maybe just too stubborn. Anyway, thank you Steve for your inspirational, wise words. Even though they never seem to manage to cure me completely, they usually give me a couple of week’s pause at least. And if you get through to just one person fighting this horrific battle, you’ve done a heroic thing indeed. One day at a time guys..,..

    • avatar
      lisa | 25 August 2010 at 10:20 pm #

      Hey ticktockclarice- I don’t know what to say to you, but I truly believe in a power greater than us. I’ve seen it all around me. I am sending you love and strength because YOU DESERVE IT. I know addiction is unbearable in those dark moments, and I am sending you light. Even though we are strangers please know that I am thinking of you and pulling for you. Keep trying sweetie…please.

      Steve- you amaze me every day.

    • avatar
      Freddie | 25 August 2010 at 11:29 pm #

      Ticktockclarice,
      Nor do I know what to say. I’ve managed to fail miserably with my own loved one. You have some clarity and can see the pain you cause and how it is hurting yourself and others. I always had trouble swallowing some of that religion stuff too especially when folks started up the preaching and sounding quite frankly, mad. But God is another thing altogether. I sincerely believe in a higher power, and I also think that some of these things are assigned to us in our lifetime to make us grow. In other words, perhaps you have been given such a thing in this life so that you MUST seek God. For only through this source can you draw enough strength to put this baby to rest. Yes, I think we need God and thankfully God comes in many flavors for our spiritual pleasure. It is an endless well of energy, strength and power and I urge you toward it.
      My love and thoughts are with you.

  • avatar
    Wiild Chiild | 25 August 2010 at 8:26 pm #

    “I can barely conceive of a type of beauty in which there is no Melancholy”.
    Charles Baudelaire

    Even in your deepest darkest moments you are still capable of producing a work of beauty, one that so many of us admire, appreciate and look forward to experiencing every day…

    Baby Pie, I echo your sentiments 🙂

  • avatar
    Jasperina | 25 August 2010 at 9:09 pm #

    Fly free and burn brightly in the even the worst of times. Our truth lies in our song. It is all there is in the end.

  • avatar
    Karen | 25 August 2010 at 9:39 pm #

    summer breeze makes me feel fine blowin through the jamine In my mind… bring on summer

  • avatar
    Karen | 25 August 2010 at 9:39 pm #

    jasmin I dropped my s

  • avatar
    hellbound heart | 25 August 2010 at 9:49 pm #

    you are strong…look at what you have overcome….look at what you create…..look at the joy you bring…..look at your beautiful children and wife…..look at your friends and family…..let the light of the good things of your life in and blow that demon fucker away for good…..

    love always…..

  • avatar
    davem | 25 August 2010 at 9:55 pm #

    That was a sad read.
    Look after yourself esskay.
    x

  • avatar
    ethereal butterfly | 25 August 2010 at 10:24 pm #

    I felt such empathy for you, and all who suffer with this debiltating disease through your blog today. It really spoke to me about my own demons, of which i won’t share here, but rest assured, we all ‘ave em and it feel just the same; the torment, suffering, wins and losses, constant craving, moments of strength, shameful failure and weakness. It’s all part of the human condition and we must strive to find what can make us strong against these demons. It might be Jesus Ticktockclarice or it might be Buddha or a complete change in lifestyle and priorities, I dunno, I’m just a human who battles too. Thanks for sharing of this suffering, it really spoke to me.

  • avatar
    lily was here | 25 August 2010 at 10:53 pm #

    Outside of it’s glass prison this spirit’s one insidious foe, but you gotta keep trying for a surrender. Take care though, take care so u can be strong! xo

  • avatar
    Ryan | 25 August 2010 at 10:58 pm #

    Ain’t that the truth Killa! Gettin mad just don’t work when yer trying to tap in. It only strengthens that angry beast. Gotta let go. Sit back. Suss how things are playing out, and then just ride along…

    Easier said than dunn.

  • avatar
    Freddie | 25 August 2010 at 11:01 pm #

    This is such a powerful blog.

    In this world, we have one duty, the duty to love. It is good that you are able to separate the addiction form the person, hating the “spirit of alcohol” and not the person. I weep for all those times I said to a loved one “how can you do this to us?” while he just sat there looking sad and helpless. And it took many more years for me to realize that the will and the strength to change has to come from the person with the addiction. Of course we must do and say everything we can think of to support people and to plant that will, that seed … But we can’t blame ourselves if we are unable to “make” them do so.

  • avatar
    marcsonic | 25 August 2010 at 11:36 pm #

    Hey, ticktockclarice, have you tried cayenne pepper capsules? I’ve heard that helps with alcohol cravings.

  • avatar
    Ellen | 26 August 2010 at 12:45 am #

    Does this mean the bottle’s got a hold on you these days? Hope you’re okay, Steve. Beneath that artistic exterior lies a fighter. Never say die. Never surrender.

    Sending good thoughts your way today…

  • avatar
    Sally | 26 August 2010 at 1:16 am #

    I like Cows… they got the skinny feet. The Suburbs)

  • avatar
    Cecilia | 26 August 2010 at 1:27 am #

    Never explain. Your friends do not need it and your enemies will not believe it anyway. ~Elbert Hubbard, A Thousand and One Epigrams, 1911

    Abrazos,

  • avatar
    BROKEN TOYS AND HEROS | 26 August 2010 at 3:15 am #

    You seem to be at war with ur self as of late. I know the feeling, the demons in all their disguises. The sense of uselessness, worthless loathing. i always try to reach down thru the muck…rinse my hands off and gaze at what i am holding…holding on to. My family, my incredible children, my adoring bride. please try and take some time away from SK the rock god, the being who is always in demand…tugged and pulled in all directions at once. take this time to turn off the cell, the telly, the laptop and all distractions and be wisked away in the lives and dreams of what u have created. talk openly, directly with those amazing young ladies ( 5 of them…thats fantastic ). they will never judge u , sometimes they may be unhappy but that soon passes. Get into their lives, what are they thinking, feeling, hopes, what is new in their lives each day, every day. Take this journey and when u feel full. Go and gaze at ur reflection in a mirror. That is not a monster, a withering man-suit standing upright. That is a creator of life. A important soul in the garden of life- u gave life and continue to give and inspire ur daughters. marvel in what u have done and smile. Because when all is said and done- ur lovely ladies will be ur true legacy. be safe and well, so many care for u- take some time to care for ur self- if any one deserves it…its you. Find some PEACE to hold on to.

    As Always,
    BrokenToysAndHeros
    Darrin K.

  • avatar
    captain mission | 26 August 2010 at 9:45 pm #

    white magick and love man, slay it killer.

  • avatar
    kell | 27 August 2010 at 12:50 am #

    Just gotta comment on this, although the moment has surely passed…

    Can’t “fight” it, just gotta conquer through love. Become a bigger love than it, love this internal thing because you are bigger & stronger than it & it came up to show you somethin’. What? That’s for you to know & for us not to find out. My ‘thing’ comes up when i have a need to escape, from the pain of consciousness & response-ability that being “here” (in this lifetime) implies. But pure consciousness ain’t pain….it’s beauty, it’s bliss, it’s the One in all & everything. Which is in some of yer songs, Kilbey. In alot of them!!! I don’t let the ‘thing’ rule me anymore ~ it has lost it’s appeal!!! The higher, faster-vibrating path has so much more to offer, ’cause it’s life (pure SPiriT) itself, as compared with anti-life death stuff. I mean, some people use alcohol to ‘loosen the emotions’ so they can feel love again, but c’mon, you already feel love, feel yourself as that love, & also have the incredible self-discipline & willpower.
    I found out the cause of my ‘thing’, on the 25th, thanks to an amazing holy person who reads peoples’ akashic records. I’m happy to pass on the person’s details if anyone wants it, as he can do Skype readings if ur in a different State. It’s a most profound healing where you undo agreements/decisions made in other lifetimes, that may be holding you back in this Lifetime.

    It’s so good when what you’ve been searching for & working towards for years starts bearing life-changing fruit.
    Dear Lemuria, is returning again. But different, of course.

    Hey Kilb, you’re on the yogic path (like myself & many others). Take it the full way ’cause i know you can, i’m excited to see what’s gonna happen b/c it’s gonna happen with me too, i hope. And for the planet as a Whole.
    Pretty exciting….just imagine what’s it’s going to be like when we meet our Higher Dimensional friends from other star systems & from the inner Earth. Yeah, time to get ready….’cause we don’t want to scare ’em off (haha!)

    Submerge yourself in monotomic Gold, drink the Silver, zip up your Light Suit & start to fly! The kids on this planet are practically already there – such intense Light beings they are!

    Ok, no more exclamation marks, i promise…well, apart from this one… Goodnight!

  • avatar
    DavidP | 28 August 2010 at 1:02 pm #

    sorry to hear this Steve, I wish you all the strength.


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