posted on December 26, 2011 at 11:31 pm

a childs christmas in australia

uh lemme get this straight ok?

this jewish guy (allegedly) gets nailed on a cross by some italians

thousands of years ago in the middle east

and we celebrate that day with egg shaped chocolate delivered by a rabbit

however on the day the jewish guy is born

although this is not his actual birthday

we just pretend its his birthday

because we used to have another holiday then

so this jewish kid gets born and we symbolise it with icicles

and holly and snowy pub scenes from the 1800s and

god rest ye merry gentlemen

and fat fellas in red costumes and fir trees with ball-balls

and eating dead birds

and a load of sunburned english n irish blokes

walking up my street drinking beer and pissing wherever they like

and sales on bikinis in the cozzie hut

and falafels and more beer and doof doof doof at the pavilion

dj nong from manchester and mc ninny from majorca

doof doof doof

down goes the beer n ekkies

doof doof doof goes the noise

a real loud obnoxious racquet

the drinkers scream and revel so fervent

is the celebration of the long dead jewish guys birthday

some of em even know his name was jesus

actually that wasn’t his name

that was his name in greek

its like if i live on thru my music

and i am referred to as stavros

imagine that …”remindlesness by stavros kilbey”

yeah we go to the beach and we dance and drink

and we get in a fight

and vomit in the hot darkness back of the pav

and we go home with some australian bird and

we fuck in the humid australian night

and we have some more drinks and we piss on some geezers wall

and stumble back to the backpackers joint

but we lost our keys and we bellow

and burp and wake up the street

fuck em if they can’t take a fucking joke

its fucking christmas, innit….?



44 Responses to “seasons grating”

  1. avatar
    eekie | 26 December 2011 at 11:55 pm #

    Wow. I think you all might out trash us!

  2. avatar
    BROKEN TOYS AND HEROS | 27 December 2011 at 12:04 am #

    Oh my that doesn’t sound well, its as if u can travel both time and space and were in my alley behind my humble home but the ‘pollish’ men and women were so loud, drunk, and almost starting the next ‘great chicago fire’ while trying to deep fry a turkey in their backyard that started a minor blaze accompanied by the bravest, and entirely pissed off, chicago firefighters. We were quiet and quaint inside my decorated home. My sweet angel was/ is so sickbwith daddy’s fever-headache-chills ….am I am still also, but she soldiered on and opened her presentsvand did her best to enjoy this holy day. We gave our son, Alex, a new bass guitar and he jumped onto the internet looking for tabs or (he can read music) anything related to Mr.Steve Kilbey. He is gonna play it with his fingers and I told him that Steve would be happy if you just developed your own style and studied some of the jazz greats to get the basics down…than explore on your own- I hope that’s what you would tell a newly conformed bass player. Any other ideas…leads share, he reads ya all the time and is shy(unlike Dazza here) to comment. Built I think you’d want to hear a 21 year olds point of view.
    Oh man- you look so tired in the picture. Rajani agreed with you when she described your current home and surroundings as ‘simply paradise on earth’. But it sounds like paradise …interrupted. Give int them, those who upsetted your peace n love with your family, a HUGE dose of Killer Kilbey and use that new powerful crossbow uv been itching to try. Nothing says ‘neighbor- you really suck’ like an arrow high and tight in the upper smolder from couple hundred feet away. I bet those new ‘night vision’ goggles would be put to fine use for firing off some of the pointy friends- soaring quietly thru the black of night to end up in the large rump of a drunkard. Hell, they never truly feel it right away anyways…till some other drunkard tries to pull em out. I dip my tips in vinegar before I send them off into the dark night air. Really burns when you try to pull it out. My son will agree, his dad has some interesting…if not dangerous, toys to play with.

    Im so sorry that those fuckers screwed with ur holiday, if I could …I would. Give onto them a dose of Chicago style justice in the name of the Kiley household. No joke Steve, Dazza here has some of the finest ‘non- pacifist’ toys created.

    Hopefully, New Years eve will empower your wrath upon to them, those fuckers need a rise of Killer Kilbey.


    • avatar
      BROKEN TOYS AND HEROS | 27 December 2011 at 12:10 am #

      My cell wants to spell: Kilbey as Kiley, maybe its telling me to share with you the perfect alias to go by in 2012. Yeah, Nathan Kiley, that’s ur new Hotel check in name. I always wanted to use Jacob Slaughter. I just didn’t get famous enough.

  3. avatar
    Paige | 27 December 2011 at 12:30 am #

    Such a lovable Grinch…

  4. avatar
    Boriah | 27 December 2011 at 1:09 am #

    Steeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeveeeerrrrrrr, I wish you a merry fucking christmas and a 2012 full of hardcore wild sex and tons of blood money.
    Cheers from bed with some hungry groupies.

  5. avatar
    The Sign of Fire | 27 December 2011 at 1:50 am #

    I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
    – George Carlin

  6. avatar
    VersaVice | 27 December 2011 at 2:01 am #

    Truth wars. Holy wars. Both maybe neither. “keep the christ in christmas,” and “…remember the true meaning of christmas,” are common holiday side themes. Enjoyed your blog today. I follow. I have aggravated friends, and pissed off strangers on occasion by suggesting that the Jesus I have come to understand was the kinda fella that would want nothing to do with the pagan Brumalia morphed into tool of christendom, turned marketing ploy of mass consumerism.

    That said, it’s fun to watch my young nephews get excited et cetera. Would rather them get excited about and enjoy other things, it’s just one part of the year. We humans are just wayward animals. Learning to roll with it.

  7. avatar
    Steven Krut | 27 December 2011 at 2:21 am #

    Ha-ha! Good thing you weren’t at my family gathering. Some of them hate it when anyone takes a peak behind the curtain. 🙂

  8. avatar
    evilren | 27 December 2011 at 2:42 am #

    fuck ’em, shortest prayer ever.

  9. avatar
    Anonymous | 27 December 2011 at 4:39 am #

    well…when you put it like that…

  10. avatar
    . | 27 December 2011 at 8:02 am #

    remind me to visit your neighborhood next christmas
    it sounds like a jolly ‘ol time, full of presents
    that i’d rather not see or even remember
    nothing like crude behaviour in december

  11. avatar
    Once | 27 December 2011 at 8:17 am #

    Stavros! That’s too funny!

    Don’t feel too bad, SK – here in Phoenix, between 24NOV and 24DEC, over 2,800 people were arrested for DUI (driving under the influence). So that’s, what – 93 people per day??? The party machine churns on, any excuse…

    I had a very low-key Christmas, and was feeling a bit disappointed today that it wasn’t more “festive” – but feeling the gratitude that I have lately has been better than the “festive” bit…it’s real, and it lasts.


  12. avatar
    a listener | 27 December 2011 at 8:48 am #

    yeah, that`s about it. A load of bull, of course, but we love it. In India they have this tradition of Issa (Jesus) who is this holy man who survived a crucifiction and and ended up in Kashmir, living out his long life with Mary Magdalena. In the Koran he is called Isa. In Sanskrit Issa means Lord. There you have it then.
    And what does it matter anyway?
    Freedom means not to let any so-called authority tell you what it`s all about, at least not some oddly dressed figure pretending to be God`s representation on Earth. Ridiicolous and so pathetic! The best example of that is the Catholic Church which seems to be a bunch of organized pedophiles dressing up in weird clothes and f… small children all over the place.. This is not a carnival, you know! Crush all authorities! Power to the……. (whatever).
    Anyway, rock on!

    • avatar
      thetimebeing | 27 December 2011 at 9:51 am #

      totally agree!

    • avatar
      Narelle | 28 December 2011 at 9:26 pm #

      did you got to see the SBS rpt doco, Ha’il…Saudi
      very enlightening to know that the Koran (or some monkeys interpretation of it) still believe, according to their Prince…85% of Saudis still accept that women should not be allowed to drive a car
      on a brighter note…at least women in Ha’il are now allowed their own ID
      even better, straight from the horses mouth (their Prince)…”we don’t want to lose our soul and spirit in favour of materialism”…did you see how those ruling families (of a mere 3 centuries) live?
      also, Catholics do not carry out public executions…but its OK in Saudi
      pretty sad that you have gone out of your way to single out one group of people who are not all bad

      • avatar
        BROKEN TOYS AND HEROS | 30 December 2011 at 1:32 pm #

        Ouch…nice work Narelle ….as always


        • avatar
          Narelle | 31 December 2011 at 3:22 am #

          sorry Dazza…it was a bit ouch, however, at the time, was thinking about the media and its influence
          PS the portable atheist…selections by Christopher Hitchens (RIP) there is a list of about 150 Gods, at one time adored by millions…’and they’re all dead’…classic
          best wishes

    • Kraig
      Kraig | 30 December 2011 at 11:20 am #

      If you look hard enough, every religion has it’s faults. Just that the liberal media wants to make Catholicism into a joke. Shame of the media for that. What about Morman’s? That’s based on murder and falsehood, much worse than a couple of pervert priests singled out of thousands. Look deep, and each religion has it’s embarrassment. AFter all, religion is just a middle pathway to worship what you want to worship.

  13. avatar
    princey | 27 December 2011 at 9:27 am #

    Oh no, that was a funny, but kinda sad and disturbing read sk. I can just imagine Bondi at xmas and NYE, a noisy and revolting sight 🙁 Hope you and the fam had a nice time though. 🙂

    Well, we’re in Syds for the NYE fireworks, but I’ve got a feeling we’ll just stay at the hotel and watch it from the rooftop or something rather than drag our little one through the streets of drunks and crowds etc…actually, we don’t know what to do! Anyway, Sydney’s always a nice place to visit 🙂 (will be missing The Forum in Melby though! 🙁 )

    Enjoy the rest of the tour Stavros!
    love Manda

    • avatar
      Melissa | 27 December 2011 at 8:33 pm #

      noooo! you guys have gotta get out and enjoy the fireworks! It seemed pretty family-friendly when I was up there a few years ago, and I’m pretty sure it’s alcohol-free, much like it is here in Melbourne.

      Have an awesome time 🙂 xx

  14. avatar
    Bill | 27 December 2011 at 10:02 am #

    Well said Steve. Merry Christmas. Happy New Year.

  15. avatar
    Freddie | 27 December 2011 at 10:33 am #

    Yep, you got yer facts straight so what’s the problem? Throw another yule log on the fire spin the dreidel, give out the Kwanzaa gifts while you reflect on the nativity scene and kiss your sweetie under the mistletoe. Chug down another ale as you sing songs about the big guy in a red suit and flying reindeer.

    We’ve been here a long time and we are everywhere and we got a lotta stuff to celebrate. ‘Tis the season to be jolly and celebrate stuff! So get with it Kilbey! ;^)

  16. avatar
    Jonathan Andrews | 27 December 2011 at 10:56 am #

    That was very funny writing. Stavros! Our mid-west Christmas is much more understated. Especially with twins just approaching 3 and beginning to ‘get it’ for the first time.

    This was probably the most magical and mysterious Holiday season in a long time.

    On a Church note…. I still revel in the Chicago, Park West, show from earlier this year. That was in the top-two concert experiences of my life. I listen to XM radio and one of the channels mentioned you would be coming to the states in February. I have not seen such notice so I guess they may be mistaken. I would gladly pack up the family and travel to see you guys again.

    I hope the wall is not too stained.

    • avatar
      LisaK | 27 December 2011 at 12:57 pm #

      Hey Stavros- are you coming in February? That would be the best present for sure!

  17. avatar
    Umberto Ledfooti | 27 December 2011 at 11:00 am #

    You’ve nailed it (pardon the pun). Best wishes.

  18. avatar
    Anonymous | 27 December 2011 at 12:32 pm #

    jewish boys are all the trouble
    the strangest experiences paradigm of chaos
    the 1st one changed my life completely —
    place of residence, profession, everything shifted like in kaleidoscope
    a would be cardiologist from siberia turned guitarist —
    who sounds as if kartikkeya was playing
    and a lyricist of breathtaking celestial magnitude
    but why would a jewish boy write songs about jc
    and desperation, and homeless hearts,
    and jc,
    and holes in veins?
    the 2nd one lived in sonoran desert
    i loved him, he loved my paintings — not quite the normal reciprocity
    is it?
    he died, very predictably and
    in 10+ year i haven’t recovered and probably never will…
    wonder if there’s going to be a 3rd one —
    — it feels like something or someone
    is weighing down somewhere in the future…
    i’ve got not a trace of semitic genes so i’m an outsider —
    but i always notice this
    otherwordly deep gloomy sorrow in all of them —
    sometimes barely a hint
    it’s so easy to miss and impossible to understand
    the invisible sublethal glow

  19. avatar
    holy man | 27 December 2011 at 1:18 pm #

    hope you got a little under the tree and that Santa’s sacks were really bulging.

  20. avatar
    Stewart | 27 December 2011 at 3:33 pm #

    Package up the festivals as pretty as you please
    There are inquisitors and shareholders aplenty to appease
    When it’s all gift wrapped up in tinsel and in spin
    Reflected in our goblets we’ll glimpse dear Baccus grin

    I hope you get some good catch-up sleep – cheers!

  21. avatar
    Jonny Hollywood | 27 December 2011 at 5:53 pm #

    love the long dead jewish guy’s birthday remark, i feel the same way esskay, maybe one day the world will change for the better 🙂

  22. avatar
    That girl | 27 December 2011 at 7:28 pm #

    Hey , Christmas is were the heart is , only you can make it a happy and joyous occasion with family and friends AND lets face it (we like them or we can like them not, family that is). As for the general public behaving badly on any given day well don’t think Christmas is going to get the day off as far as that is concerned the world just doesn’t work like that anymore. What we can do is remember the best parts of the celebration when we were kids or even grown ups it on the ones we care about. Family , friends or the person that touched our lives in some way. Dam it,I do love Christmas the smiles , laughter and DRAMA of it all. and if you think you can stop me , you don’t know me very well, now with saying that my door is alway open HO HO HO

  23. avatar
    Melissa | 27 December 2011 at 8:28 pm #

    ’tis true Stavros, there’s a huge number of μαλάκας about in Bondi this time of year. I think some of their relatives live a couple of doors down from me, given that I’m kept awake all night sometimes with their gatherings. sigh. Hey! Any excuse to get trashed and obnoxious, right?!

    Ho, ho, ho… hum


  24. avatar
    colette | 27 December 2011 at 9:30 pm #

    There is a huge concentration of many stereotypes to be found in the ‘inner city’ beaches of Sydney in late December and January. Nearly as many stereotypes as there are individuals. Fascinating.

  25. avatar
    Jesiah6 | 27 December 2011 at 10:17 pm #

    That pretty much sums it up.

    I always dread the family gatherings, but this year I found myself having fun. Hope you enjoyed the holiday too.

  26. avatar
    davem | 27 December 2011 at 10:46 pm #

    It’s quiet here.
    Come and visit us!!

  27. avatar
    davem | 28 December 2011 at 12:34 am #

    Not as much as we miss you!

  28. avatar
    Cocoamo | 28 December 2011 at 6:10 am #

    Ah, Steve, Steven, Stavros, whomever…a rose as sweet by any name I’m sure.

    I think that whatever the inspiration, having a day to be grateful and a day to celebrate the spirit of giving is not such a bad thing. Okay, it easily goes wrong, but what doesn’t?

    Remember that the northern hemisphere is frigid and dark right now, and needs a bit of cheer (although not necessarily the alcoholic kind). You blokes down under may forget that on your balmy beaches.

    Not that the holiday should be celebrated by pissing all over the place, however. How rude.

    Perhaps we need a day where respect for others is celebrated…where everyone tidies up someone else’s property, pulls some weeds, picks up some trash? Don’t know if there is an appropriate saint for such.

    Then again, how about if we work toward creating (worldwide) more public restrooms that are hygienic,fragrant,cozy, accessible and ubiquitous? And then promote a cultural inclination to use them? A worthy goal indeed.

    Of course the misuse immediately comes to mind. A thorny task.

    Your Friend in Pennsylvania
    (Now in suneee Cocoa Beach)

  29. avatar
    hellbound heart | 28 December 2011 at 1:26 pm #

    well….this year’s Christmas was a chance to catch up with my in-laws, and it wasn’t so bad… yeah, FAMILY I guess
    love always…..

    • avatar
      thetimebeing | 28 December 2011 at 3:54 pm #

      did you see my facebook pic holding the lovely stone to the camera, bec?

      • avatar
        hellbound heart | 29 December 2011 at 8:11 am #

        will have a look now, dear sir <3

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