posted on April 21, 2006 at 9:46 pm

im sitting here drinking carmel pure grape juice
made in israel
oh whatta smooth drop
yer humble hero been drinkin grape juice
whenever he could find it for 30 odd years now
lloyds in australia do a wonderful grape juice
all the flavours all the grapes
sultana greenache muscatelle etc
you can feel the grape juice hit yer system
you can feel the body gobble it up
the immune system : i’ll have a bitta that
itll help against the streptococci in sector 5
the stomach : ah a lovely lining
the tongue : such delicious sweetness
the throat : oooh soothing
the larynx : divine lubrication
the skin :oh nice, i can repair that little rough bit
the etc : blah blah blah
whatta waste they turn it into wine
all that lovely grape juice…..

some hilarious reviews of ultc
a bloke to wife as he holds cd unopened:
this is me at my happiest
then halfway thru:
lets go for a walk

that i feel shows the true nature of disappointment
so much more eloquently than a thousand nme reviewers
furtively scribbling armed with their thesaurii
lets go for a walk…
from now on that will be my phrase
when something is a little dodgy or bodgy
or wanky skanky loada hanky panky
i heard sebastian rockstarrs new album
how was it?
lets go for a walk
saw the new harrer potty movie

folks, as a diss its a winner
so the dude so happy
(at his happiest, no less)
he struggles to get the cellophane of the cd
(he is now approaching the peak of his joy)
he sticks ultc in player
(all down hill from here)
“i wassa downa inna city onna mirahkell streat”
(regret sets in)
the openin riff of unifried feeled blasts
(sadness a feeling of being tricked)
“i needa space kneadle baybee”
(disappointment hardens on his dreams)
“jussa lika the trype that they sell ya”
(exactly he thinks to himself)
“eeeezzzzy bay beee blah blah blah blah blah”
(lets go for a walk)
but harold thats by the hcruhc
theyre ya favorit band in da whirld
i said lets go for a walk doris
but harold you waited a year to get that cd
and it sounds just like all the others so why..?
doris i said lets go for a fucking walk!
but harold…

we need more badde reviews like this
less of the he cant sing and the lyrics dont make sense
more visceral physical stuff
when i heard the opening note of this record
so sickened by it was i
that i tore it from the player
and ground it to silver dust
against my kitchen floor
i have , however
loved all their previous work.
the music on this record
causes birth defects in lab rats

oh by the way
we gotta good review in the english sun
4 stars
saying we’re too goode for the h. polloi
oh our curse
of being too goode
too fast for you baybee
its a high n lonely destiny
being the worlds forgotten (olde) boy
being the best
but most uncredited
i mean we get reviews like
yeah the church are great heres another great
good band, work hard, f

well if ya thought the hcruhc were obleek
mimesis is finally finished
a double album of atmospheres
dark beautiful music
words from dreams
ebbing flowing receding washing
coming on again
stronger stranger
music so full of sound
hidden things
things fizzing and squirming
falling and shivering
distant contraltos wailing
pianos crashing thru icy surfaces
double bass deep in the earth
the stories like life
that dont lead anywhere
you think
all things in a circle
all opposites reconciled and drowned
in each other
black n white become pains grey
(thats a painting pun)
anyway mimesis art imitating life
its fucking brilliant
and if any smarmy little bastard
gives it a slightly badde review
i’ll be donning my bricklayer gear
and coming round yer house
and bricking yer fucking door up!
doris: oh ya got that mimesis cd at borders harold
harold:yes im most happy before i put it on
doris:oh do lets hear it dear
mimesis comes on
(a gorgeous distant drone w/lovely tinkly sounds
sk begins to intone “a long and deserved holiday..”
harold:lets go for a walk
doris:but steve kilbeys bricked up our fuckin’doors!
anyway fiendss
its saturday morning here
im gonna go out n have me some ye olde funne
visit the markets
score some tat
do my block
blow a bundle
bit by bit
thanks for your attendance

35 Responses to “selected grapes from the holy land”

  1. avatar
    crack in a smile | 21 April 2006 at 11:05 pm #

    I knew it!!

    It is “tripe”, not “chocolate” that they sell ya!!

    And let the man take his walk, SK. He doesn’t know what his saying

  2. avatar
    CeciliaGin | 21 April 2006 at 11:13 pm #

    My old bad review comment was: “I’d rather listen to my dad mow the lawn!”
    Never used for a Church review, but y’all probably guessed that.

  3. avatar
    Anonymous | 21 April 2006 at 11:36 pm #

    man…are all blogs this addictive? id never read one before in my life before i started reading here…between this and listening to ultc all night last night, its a good little gratuitous world we live in!! so thanx sk, no bad reviews in this house…well my wife did say ‘turn it down’ at about 1 am.

  4. avatar
    Krissythegroupie | 22 April 2006 at 12:31 am #

    Hilarious sir. I love how you abreviated it to “lgfaw,” that is just fucking genius. How about lgf’nw!! That’s what I’m going to say. And the fools who say these things, you can’t sing?! If that’s their opinion, then they’re def all men, cos any woman wouldn’t CARE if you can sing or not cos your voice is sexy. And ya know what? Men are stupid anyway. Also, Space Needle is MY FAVORITE EFFING SONG right now.

  5. avatar
    fergal | 22 April 2006 at 12:52 am #

    well i ain’t goin for no walk mid-way thur ULTC sk

  6. avatar
    flowerpower | 22 April 2006 at 12:53 am #

    poor chuuurch reveiws are just words describing someone’s distorted nervous system which has been deadened and blunted by the conned-sumer machine radio / video misses and has no direct access to aural bliss…so there.

  7. avatar
    mike a | 22 April 2006 at 1:00 am #

    I can’t wait for mimesis to come out!!!

    I have to say, I love “Day 5” on UTLC!!

  8. avatar
    MEM | 22 April 2006 at 1:35 am #

    always a pleasure!?

    reading urbloggette today gave me a smile. first one all day (and it’s night) – just a warm, relaxed friendly – real smile – i could sink back into, for a moment, lovely moment – o – common – mem, your such a fig-in – puufta –

    tis rock’in roll, etc. man… not this grappie love on the vine thing,etc… is it?!

  9. avatar
    Queen Hatshepsut | 22 April 2006 at 2:01 am #

    You’re a riot.
    Let them go for their walks!
    Let them eat cake!
    My ultc is still not here.
    I am going to tackle the mailman tomorrow
    He *must* have it
    I am getting desperate.
    No walks for me, no sir.
    But I just might stick it in the car
    and go for a nice long drive
    Oh wait, should I use the gas?
    Ah fuck it.
    You’re worth it.


  10. avatar
    Mimesis? | 22 April 2006 at 2:36 am #

    What is Mimesis?
    Is it one of yours?
    When it coming out?
    Does anyone know?
    Am I going to have to wait long?

    Give me Give me Give me

  11. avatar
    Queen Hatshepsut | 22 April 2006 at 2:37 am #

    Whilst cleaning out a drawer, I found some very old things I wrote. One of them was about you. It must be well over 10 years old. I hesitate to even share it, but I wanted you to know, for every shitty review, every person who does take that ‘walk’, even for all the glowing reviews but not enough credit, I believe there are hundreds more that feel as I do. This has no title. Perhaps it should simply be “Thank You.” (Apologies for the length). -denise

    You are the strangest stranger I will never know
    and yet you are so familiar to me as well
    you are this form, this entity, this being and presence
    who has shadowed me through days, weeks, months, years
    with your soft, sad words
    your stories of lost chances and dying nights still aglow
    with fireflies and nostalgia and all the memories only you will ever know

    You are as far away as you’ve always been – as you’ll always be
    And yet right here inside of me
    And you’ve blessed us with these gifts, simple words, sentences
    sad little notes on your guitar strings
    that have swallowed up my very soul
    Yours is the last voice I ever want to hear
    before I shuffle off this mortal coil

    And I know we will not meet and this is right, this is good
    this is how it should always be (Note: I actually did meet you years later you cranky bastard); )
    Your songs find me both lost and found
    And I will never be the same for the wretched beauty of this sound

    The singer is not the song, this is true
    but how does one separate the shadow from the form?
    For in the end, it is all of you.

    Your music came to me in whispers and dreams
    down your beloved emerald haunt in places I’ve never been
    never seen and yet
    will never leave

    Only this music has truly found me
    Your velvet voice and melodies that come in a plastic box every few years
    and tearing it open I await the sounds that will tell me where I’ve been
    These are things I could never tell you
    You sing the measure of my soul
    the melody of heart and mind
    The things I couldn’t say, and did not even know I felt until I heard the words eminate from your lips
    You appeased demons I did not know existed inside me
    You sang prayers I longed to hear
    the sorrows you sang to me are the most beautiful melancholy
    and the joy you’ve given me is almost more than I can bear.

    I know I will never feel as lost again
    these gifts you give me are with me til the end
    For this I can only thank you my strange and distant friend.

  12. avatar
    damien | 22 April 2006 at 2:54 am #

    I have ULTC on order from the ChurchMerch but I couldn’t wait so I went and bought a copy from my local record “bar”. Now I’ll have two copies of a great new album! I like the new one more than I liked FY or AENT. I got Back With Two Beasts last week and I love that too.

  13. avatar
    the dean | 22 April 2006 at 2:56 am #

    kilbey you are the master of myrrth.
    I had a bricklayer friend read this one and he was inspired

  14. avatar
    Anonymous | 22 April 2006 at 3:35 am #

    You made me laugh steve kilbey. Thank you…it’s been a rough week. I hope the girls are doing well.

    Keep it up old man.


  15. avatar
    Body Feeling bad - Walk On - Walk Unafraid - Go out Walking in the Rain | 22 April 2006 at 3:38 am #

    I have an interesting story. Another true story for Pagey not made up. Actually this story amazes me.

    Back a few years ago my ex-girlfriend Sima Kumar had landed a job as a personal shopper in London UK. (Christ when I met her in 89 she had about 1000 fashion mags in her bedroom)
    The year prior to this I had come across a rather amazing bridge during spiritual pursuits and ended up having an out of body experience where I flew completely around the planet (took me months and months to connect with what happened). Some things that may have aided in my flight. I worked in a downtown skyscraper and also lived in a tower which had a beautiful ocean view. I very rarely during living there went down to the ground. I had also been successfully practising SEMEN retention for about a year and doing a lot of meditation.

    Now from 2 years before this for ten months Sima and I travelled around the world taking in many Eastern countries. Now i used to be into Crystals and brought some of them in a small knitted bag in my pocket whereever I went as a good luck charm. But deep down in the bottom of my backpack I had a stone called an ELestial about the size of a baseball. It survived the trip and I really think it may have acted like a pen in the etheric light of the sky that wind does not blow out of place. Perhaps given what is written about this Elestial stone in the hands of a human, it can cause more spirits to follow.

    Anyways I don’t want to make this a long story but I never quite returned completely from this OOBE. When I returned it felt like I had been gone for two weeks and I may have experienced “missing time” by being bent and spread around the globe. I believe a layer of my soul has remained encircled around earth.

    After the OOBE I immediately had hour sand hours of brainstorms and wrote much down, no concept was foreign but I wrote business ideas on large papers for hours. Then I lost it. I lost all my conventration and forgot who I was. I became without my mind and sought a Dr. after a few aimless days not even knowing I had missed work. I got put on some hefty mind drugs that left me slightly unavle to walk very swiftly due to a motor function effect of their strength.

    Anyways I was hospitalized for two weeks and spent 6 years on the drugs. I kept on with the force only missing 3 months but for those 6 years it was a loss of friends, loss of my old vibrant self but after stopping the meds I came back to life and eventaully pieced together through a return to meditation what exactly bappened and what path I took round the ether of the planet.

    Now back to Sima Kumar and her job as a personal shopper for the stars in London UK. Who did she meet and dress for success?
    Why it was Michael Stipe. SIma shared my whole experience with him and he wrote a song about my troubles, my fall from grace.

    from REMS “UP” album – “Walk Uafraid”, thats Pagey! Yes indeed.

    “If I have a bag of rocks to carry as I go
    I just want to hold my head up high
    I don’t care what I have to step over
    I’m prepared to look you in the eye
    Look me in the eye
    And if you see familiarity
    Then celebrate the contradiction
    Help me when I fall to
    Walk unafraid
    I’ll be clumsy instead”

    Pagey “the Bab”

  16. avatar
    Anonymous | 22 April 2006 at 4:33 am #

    That’s funny I just read that review (lgfaw) on amazon. I personally can’t stop listening to it! KB

  17. avatar
    Anonymous | 22 April 2006 at 5:23 am #


  18. avatar
    Darko Flagg | 22 April 2006 at 6:09 am #

    Dearest Lost Unkle,
    I often ponce around after a great record…..It’s a freak response to a serious Alpha wave frenzy.

    It’s just happened again with Sparks new brilliant CD ‘Hello Young Lovers’

    Must brick up my doors.

  19. avatar
    AAA | 22 April 2006 at 8:14 am #

    When you listen to your CD do you like it SK?

    I liked the songs that the band played live.

    What did Groucho Marx once say – something about not wanting to be a member of a club that would have him for a member …………

  20. avatar
    Anonymous | 22 April 2006 at 8:22 am #

    Yeah, I wondered that too. How does sk like the album seeing as its been such a long time since it was laid down in the ol’spacejunk studio. They havent had chance to play the songs a lot, only the last launch gigs, so maybe the ‘live’ feeling gives it a new boost of jhuice for them??

  21. avatar
    Anonymous | 22 April 2006 at 8:50 am #


    I bet he wore an MP# player with ultc loaded when he went for the walk.

    It’s one of your best


  22. avatar
    captainmission | 22 April 2006 at 9:00 am #

    fuck the critics, if it wasn’t for people like you they would not even have a job. the way i see it any one that reviews an album in public media should pay for the privilage.
    hope your well

  23. avatar
    Anonymous | 22 April 2006 at 10:18 am #

    I just checked out the church myspace and my eyes are still recovering i.e. its a little harsh on the eyes. could be me my eyesights a little dodgy,but I had a little trouble reading.

  24. avatar
    Anonymous | 22 April 2006 at 11:18 am #

    SK, ULTC is superb.
    Keep on rockin’

    Brian Turner
    Atlanta, Ga.

  25. avatar
    any woman | 22 April 2006 at 12:47 pm #

    our farva who art in heaven harold be thy name gawd bless him
    at the end o the day jus merember sk any NMEs rhymes with anemones

  26. avatar
    Anonymous | 22 April 2006 at 2:29 pm #

    “doris: but steve kilbeys bricked up our fuckin’ doors!”

    ha! fucking brilliant! as always. love ya.

  27. avatar
    verdelay | 22 April 2006 at 2:37 pm #

    This is becoming like a community group for drug fucked mystics

  28. avatar
    Anonymous | 22 April 2006 at 2:38 pm #

    It’s always hard to describe The Church’s music to my friends, but after just listening to “Block” nice and loud, I’d have to describe the music (many songs, at least) as a balloon. This balloon slowly grows, bigger and bigger, filling up with luscious sound and energy. It keeps growing. Getting bigger. And you keep filling it with beautiful sounds, and more importantly, tension. Lots of tension. The tension builds. More and more. The balloon — can it get any bigger? Will it explode? The music rides the outer edge of this balloon, threatening to explode and fall apart. But it never does. It rides the sharp precarious edge and stays there. The balloon starts to throb. Wah – wah – wah. You think it’s going to burst. You want it to burst. You’re dying for it to burst. IT HAS TO BURST. But it never does. It just stays there. It just pushes and throbs and builds and toys with you. And you need to listen to the song again to keep riding that edge, like some wicked trip.

    Who else can do that? It’s magic. Thank you, Steve.

    Philly, PA

  29. avatar
    Anonymous | 22 April 2006 at 3:04 pm #

    Now when I see a bricked up door I’ll know Stevie Kay was in town.

  30. avatar
    Letango | 22 April 2006 at 9:17 pm #

    Could you come over this away and brick up the doors to the Ye Old White House?
    Certainly it wouldn’t be TOO much trouble and it would do a whole-lotta-good not just for us, but d whola wida whirl.

  31. avatar
    John Garratt | 23 April 2006 at 9:30 pm #

    I’ll just go out the window.

  32. avatar
    rubikon | 24 April 2006 at 9:01 am #

    ULTC review – it’s complete PANTS!.

    Only joking btw (CD hasn’t arrived yet) – I’ve only heard Block so far.

    As far as Block goes: – I really don’t know how you guys continue to do it – Block sounds like nothing I’ve ever heard before – it’s absolutely brilliant and pretty good too.

  33. avatar
    chuck | 25 April 2006 at 8:46 am #

    This was an excellent blog Steve, keep up the excellent work, I’ll take a walk
    with my ULTC cd…chuck/alaska

  34. avatar
    donjoe | 26 April 2006 at 5:43 am #

    Well i haven’t laughed that hard for a long time!! absolute classic steve. it was a very refreshing suprise and most welcome as my day was bleary…you, again, put some sunshine into it


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