posted on April 23, 2008 at 9:36 pm

renaissance man scoops every award!
(warning: this a fantasy, it may contain jokes!)
uh huh
thats right!
steve kilbeys amazing new talk show “renaissance man”
has won every major award in aust television
by harvey farbnuckle ent. reporter sydney morning heresy

steve kilbey was a happy man last night
as he walked away with five gold loogies
his fabulous new abc tv show renaissance man
winning every (in)conceivable prize at the 08 awards night
kilbey resplendent in a flannelette shirt and kmart trackpants
was cheered by his piers
as he peered out and peeked (and peaked ) (maybe piqued)
holding aloft his pangolin statuette
he pledged more bohemian antics for the next seasons blockbluster
tv mogul and tycoon sir roger swindlin’-hogg said:
kilbey is a breath of fresh air in an industry full of plastic lookalike fools
im tired of teethy game-hosts, over earnest female journos
and the boring non-entities like rover or over-the-hills
kilbey is the real thing
writes his own jokes
is as conversant on sumerian sexual customs or incan paper
as he is on pub rock or the footy
he sings he dances he can talk talk talk
hes debonair and everyman at once
a real wit
a real scholar
a real zany crazy baudelaire quoting juggernaut of a tv host…”
amazing special guests: dante, quetzalcoatl, dylan, sam sejavka
the wiggles(who performed excerpts from madame butterfly)
george w bush (who did a duet with kilbey on travel by thought)
tom cruise who told of his great love for remindlessness
and was joined by brad pitt n george clue-knee for an
emotional version of my birthday the moon festival
(with cruise on electric sitar, pitt on vocoder)
ed kuepper was a surprise guest too
chuckling his way through a medley of saints songs
and then joining kyle hand-shandyland
for an emotional tearfilled under the milky way (tonight)
during which both men declared their unswerving belief in kilbey
bring on those sixteenths sobbed the ecstatic brizzie ex-punk
while wollongongs own chubby ordinary yobbo made good kyle said
“kilbey must be convulsive…or not at all!”
the abcs ceo lord edward st. bill was delighted
calling kilbey “a tv phenonomen” and “a diamond geezer”
and promising more funds to be diverted to kilbeys vision
“quite frankly who gives a fuck about sport and news shows
when you got something as scintillating as “renaissance man” “
said the chief
“who cares who won the boring old rugby n election anyway?”
kilbey was celebrating at the g.e.microwave arena
“with a few thousand close friends”
and is reported to be ebullient about his win
“i can hock each of these babies for 500 bucks each” he said
holding a statuette up
as he pigged out on vegan cuisine and sloshed down berry v with jaeger
all 14 of his daughters were there
except petunia
who is studying african bagpipes at yale
kilbey had the final word
“yeah…but my feet and my nose are still FUCKING FREEZING!”

26 Responses to “store in a cool dry place”

  1. avatar
    princey | 23 April 2008 at 11:16 pm #

    Haha, what a hoot!!!
    Love amanda

  2. avatar
    the dean | 23 April 2008 at 11:23 pm #

    Come on, you wouldn’t have all those old wankers (exception of Ed)on your show.
    What is it with you and EK anyway? I read that thing about the 16ths after the saints album show comments. A bit of tit for tat.
    I’m probably wrong but have either of you listened to the other’s music?

  3. avatar
    eek | 23 April 2008 at 11:28 pm #

    Now THAT would be an awards show worth watching! LOL
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    And on a little different subject — if you like SK’s art and aren’t already on the SK art site mailing list, now would be a very good time to sign up. People on that list get the newest SK art info (such as the details on the SK exhibit coming up in June) and sometimes get additional perks too (hint, hint).

    click here to sign up

  4. avatar
    veleska1970 | 24 April 2008 at 12:41 am #

    well, i’m a photographer, so if you want your own personal paparazzo to follow you around and photograph your every move, i’m available. 🙂 don’t worry~~i’ll always make sure you show your best side.

    “writes his own jokes”
    now, THAT’S something to brag about.

    lotza love….

  5. avatar
    ml68 | 24 April 2008 at 2:51 am #

    the main thing is he remains down to earth despite the adulations

  6. avatar
    captain mission | 24 April 2008 at 2:54 am #

    ha well you never know, anythings possible these days, i heard some 14 year old boy threw a big party smashed up his folks home, now he’s getting his own tv show and special guest spots on big brother. good grief, im glad me tele don’t work anymore but if you get your own show, now that would be worth watching

  7. avatar
    linjo | 24 April 2008 at 3:13 am #

    Yeah when you think of all those “non entities” who have ‘made it’ you are a sure thing man with your wealth of life experience. You need your own show. Couldnt bear to see you on Spicks a Specks being overun by a pommy git ‘comedian’ vying for all the attention. Let Fuzzy and Rosie B do the morning music. Would love to sit back at night and watch an interesting music show. Linda x

  8. avatar
    ...being here, doing this... | 24 April 2008 at 6:00 am #

    “all 14 of his daughters were there
    except petunia”

    petunia?

    .

  9. avatar
    Ross B | 24 April 2008 at 7:19 am #

    …a duet with gwb on travel by thought ???

    …that spins me out man!!

    woah!

  10. avatar
    Lebrinho | 24 April 2008 at 7:49 am #

    Cruise deserves just an autoharp..

  11. avatar
    Stefan | 24 April 2008 at 10:58 am #

    now that’s a parallel universe…
    “despite totally different working approaches, SK (studio magician, channeling the universe in one long jam) and GWB (more in-the-face approach) started experimenting as a duo. their works were released under the Monica “Jack Frostbite”.

    Their one-off record “Gnaw Blob” consists of lovely, lovely gifts like “War on terror lament”, “Brainowner (as rarely seen on TV)”, “Angela Merkel”, “Rumble”, “Every hour got sense”, “Brainless & Wild”.

    After successfully knocking each other out in Renaissance Man Death Match, GWB’s place was taken by Ed Kuepper. As “The Grumpy Old Men”, SK & EK recorded the quadruple concept album “Concept Album”, about recording a concept album about nearly everything.

    Lovely!

  12. avatar
    cloudburst.adrift | 24 April 2008 at 11:02 am #

    sorry, can’t concentrate, still giggling at the thought of the killa ‘in flanelette shirt & k-mart trackpants’! :p

    wonderful, steve – I’ll be giggling at that image all day

    jane xxx

  13. avatar
    grow fins | 24 April 2008 at 11:03 am #

    I always thought dave graney would do well as a quirky late night talk show host a la dick cavett but renaissance man would be the most compulsive viewing on telly since…well i dunno Underbelly perhaps.
    On a completely unrelated note I heard The Faust Tapes on 2SERs Hands Of Tyme this arvo.It had me spellbound and distracted from work
    for its entire duration.Krautrock
    is an amazing thing!

  14. avatar
    Ethereal Butterfly | 24 April 2008 at 11:05 am #

    We were bedazzled by the first series of ‘Renaissance Man’! My 70 yr old mother couldn’t cope with Killa’s nude yoga sessions, however I personally loved the vegan –guest- chef sessions conducted whilst Killa composed songs & poems about meat eating plastic people with the perfect teeth he wouldn’t have on his shows, followed by cartoon segments ( hand drawn by Killa of course) of Killa’s adventures in his little blue car…. My kids always loved the closing credit sequence of him running down the street with is pants down after his kids dared him to!! Series 2 …Bring it on!!!

  15. avatar
    princey | 24 April 2008 at 11:48 am #

    Hey sk, all this tv talk is great but whats happened to Painkiller? And Martin Kennedy stuff?
    Justa wunderin 🙂

  16. avatar
    melissa | 24 April 2008 at 11:48 am #

    I’m glad I didn’t have a mouthful of tea when I got to the end and the african bagpipes bit! 😀

    You had me worried when I thought you were gonna write a duet with .. gulp! .. Kylie! Nooooo!

    Nude Yoga??? hmmmm .. that could work 🙂

    xx

  17. avatar
    tim | 24 April 2008 at 1:16 pm #

    glad to see the “stardom” hasn’t changed you…lol..

    i have the universe talking to me alot lately, i am some how tuned it to something…

    on a business trip i awoke one morning last week in a downtown hotel to ask the question…is what i am doing satisfing? contributing to consumerisim thru advertising…persuading people to buy more stuff they dont need…while it pays the bills…does it make me happy??…is this what i was meant to do…later that morning, i walked into a advertising agency that coincidently beared the same name as mine (my last name is not common) about 1/2 hour later walked into a bookstore (only after cancelling my next appointment and found time on my hands before my train pulled out) and saw a poster with my name in large letters, the name of a publisher that also bears our uncommon last name…i felt this was significant in some way. not being able to figure it out until now i think….something is telling me i could be succesfull doing what i do and remain unhappy that i continue to contribute to materialism and consumerism to put food on my table….blood money.. i suppose…OR this signal from the universe is telling me I should write or could be a writer…something i have always enjoyed, my mother is a writer, my sister, my grand mother. I enjoy writing as pastime but hardly believe it could make me enough to sustain a family. But will not know until I try. I will launch a new blog soon and that will be a start. i owe you steve a great deal of thanks for inspiring me, with your words, your wisdom, your example. Wish me luck.

    Tim

  18. avatar
    Matthew | 24 April 2008 at 2:23 pm #

    Hahahahahahahaha! “except petunia
    who is studying african bagpipes at yale” … presumably for the backwards solo on some future UTMW release? (That was a great read btw.)

  19. avatar
    Brien Comerford | 24 April 2008 at 2:47 pm #

    I’d much rather see Steve Kilbey replace Peter Garrett as Minister Of The Environment. The wildlife, trees, marine and terrestrial ecosystems would flourish. He could also sing nature and animal rights songs for Television Ads promoting Mother Earth. Steve Kilbey and Bindi Irwin could do a duet for endangered species.

  20. avatar
    ScaughtFive | 24 April 2008 at 3:05 pm #

    Huzzah! Way-Hay! Hoo-Woo! Five gold loogies n 14 daughters topped with a Travel By Thought duet with Henry V. Bless you,Renaissance man. T.V. Kilbeing ours, we’ll bend it to our awe, or break it all to pieces…

    Fellstaff

  21. avatar
    Cee | 24 April 2008 at 3:26 pm #

    Can’t wait to TIVO you, wait, I don’t have TIVO – daaaaaang!
    Cee
    xox

  22. avatar
    davem | 24 April 2008 at 8:04 pm #

    Fucking brilliant sir!
    x

  23. avatar
    CAPTAIN BEYOND | 24 April 2008 at 8:31 pm #

    I’ll be your sidekick…
    The Kid

  24. avatar
    knot | 24 April 2008 at 8:33 pm #

    What does Petunia have to do with Africa’s Ogun? What do little green men have to do with Sirius and Amazonian Shamanism? How can the pitfalls to your destiny be found in the Twilight Zone? For the answers to these questions and more, please tune into this show.

  25. avatar
    davem | 24 April 2008 at 8:45 pm #

    Not Kilbey related…but I know lot’s of you on here like British comedy. The latest series of Mitchell & Webb’s “Peep Show” is screening here this week. For any of you outside blighty try and get hold of it. It may be winging it’s way to Sydney on Sept 13th!!

  26. avatar
    CSTCoach | 25 April 2008 at 1:48 am #

    oh yeah, bring on renaissance man. i’d brush the dust of the tv and watch it.


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