posted on September 15, 2007 at 9:32 pm

the futures fireproof
not at all like what i expected
i used to be a singer
a longtimeago
the war to end all wars
which war was it?
i was a singer then
in the mists of time
i sang some songs
then i moved into my new occupation
i review aphrodisiacs
i am the foremost aphrodisiac reviewer on earth
cmon you say
an aphrodisiac reviewer?
laugh if you want
it was around 2008
that they invented love-bites
a totally legal a-disiac
i used to write this column everyday
one day i dropped some love-bites
i was literally blown away
what were these new drugs?
who was making em?
the ingredients were fruit n flowers…
i posted an online review
its kinda famous now i guess
you see any idiot can cop a high
but not any idiot can describe it in creative language
i guess i was born to do it
anyway a few days after my first love-bites post
they contact me
would i review their products for them?
would i test drive aphrodisiacs and report in?
sure, i think i could handle that
the success of love-bites was amazing
my review got reprinted all round the world
suddenly the a-disiac market exploded
and i was its leading voice
next i did a piece on 4bidden froot
4bidden froot is a new fruit only aphrodisiac
fine tuned by new manufacturing procedures
a harmless but powerful aphrodisiac
its motto
makes lovin’ lovely
4bidden froot
what a revelation
people switched their tvs off when that stuff came on the market
people were buying that new sexlife jive
people started getting in the groove again
all those oafs who wouldnt know their libido
from a hole in the ground
all those frumpy frigid femmes hitherto unwanted
4bidden froot turned em all on
oh the pleasures to be found in flesh
and there was i
at the leading edge of the pleasuremarket
being flown around the world
testing and reviewing a-disiacs
now being finely tuned homeopathically
a tiny dose of lavender oil
a micron of lime
a tiny tiny amount of ginger
you could lose yourself in love
people were foundering in their unanswerable lust
to sink into desire deeper deeper deeper
love comes unbidden all the time
my friend and i drift round this house
she lazily reaches for me
i stand back and watch
i stand back n watch my heaving back
i float up to the ceiling
and i watch the birds in the sky
my veins all open and are flushed with blood
my pupils are huge
i take everything in
and i see love as an art to be mastered
and i see it has its schools of thought
and its history and techniques
so i write n i love
i love n i write
now the lid is off the whole a-disiac thing
what could the govt do?
outlaw roses?
ban orange peel?
make it illegal to possess love?
now love is within reach of everyman
and people are loving it
buy some
try some
4bidden froot, baybee
ha ha

67 Responses to “subroutine”

  1. avatar
    Anonymous | 15 September 2007 at 10:27 pm #

    …and then?
    the love addicts (rip Rilen); and then the wars? tell us how the war happened adisiacman, the war on love…..


  2. avatar
    Anonymous | 15 September 2007 at 10:29 pm #

    hee hee
    bring it on sk

  3. avatar
    verdelay | 15 September 2007 at 10:45 pm #


    it’s freee

  4. avatar
    JONNY NOT YET SO HOLLYWOODISH | 15 September 2007 at 10:53 pm #

    no one love is to blame…
    Jonny Moondog

  5. avatar
    fantasticandy | 15 September 2007 at 11:12 pm #

    love to love you baybee!

  6. avatar
    andmoreagain | 15 September 2007 at 11:38 pm #

    If only…

  7. avatar
    Anonymous | 15 September 2007 at 11:44 pm #

    ..before i met the “love of my life”,4 bidden fruit was my credo,and fallback could coin my phrase,for them,on the packaging….after making a meal of,and spoiling a “fling”, they would ask for my number??..i would say..”call 000 they know where i am!…/cw x

  8. avatar
    Anonymous | 16 September 2007 at 12:29 am #

    good morning Mr.Sparkley one!..those aphrodisiacs’ll get ya every time,huh?..sounds pretty potent,sounds pretty good, sure that your new vocation is just made for you!ya big hippy!;-)*-) could cover the whitlams song,for an advertising campaign{sorry would make that rock our souls,instead of sounding like a “jingle”}..have been for a swim today,and it was refreshing,and as transforming as water is to the heart…music is like water for chocolate..rollercoasterhead slows up and down,in the water..oh to be blissfully surrounded by its fluid nature,and power..tis a healing in itself!…have a lovely day “O handsome one”…love,as always,gen xxxxx

  9. avatar
    Brien Comerford | 16 September 2007 at 1:37 am #

    A morifying blog. Humans making more and more love. Human overpopulation is displacing and decimating all the planet’s other animate species. An environmentally-friendly dictator must market a drug to make men limp and impotent. Women are great and need a break from being impregnated.

  10. avatar
    melquiades | 16 September 2007 at 2:25 am #

    Carnal Professer
    writer of the divine
    Amorous dietician of those lovely fruits-the fruits that drive you right up the wall into the arms of your lover (even if she is only in your dreams)

  11. avatar
    Anonymous | 16 September 2007 at 3:28 am #

    would bush hump cheney?


    then who’d get the birdshot?

  12. avatar
    Leelinau | 16 September 2007 at 3:30 am #

    good grief Brien
    (he’s really a
    dementor in d’skies)

    Love is.
    (the best)


  13. avatar
    eek | 16 September 2007 at 3:32 am #

    It sure as hell would be a mighty fun gig for ya Steve! I was thinking after reading yesterday’s blog there was probably a spike in demand for Buzzz (at least at that particular shop) and you should get a cut of the profits.

    And I bet your blog ranking would skyrocket!

    Brien Brien Brien…think contraceptives dear. 😉

  14. avatar
    Thelonious | 16 September 2007 at 4:41 am #

    Hey Sk, that had me laughing out aloud. Driving into work this morning listening to Maya with the car filled with sunlight. How Good? So Good. Thank you SK! Me after some BuZZ & 4bidden froot.

  15. avatar
    Dark Eyes | 16 September 2007 at 5:13 am #

    Hi Steve,

    You’ve sold me! After all, love is all we need…
    will the govt. raise the gst on “bitter orange peel??”

    KittyKat I’m sorry that you lost
    your Dad at 73 too. I’m trying to be positive & thankful that we had him in our lives for as long as we did. Thank you eek and Erik also,
    I feel the kindness in your words.

    Love Beck x

  16. avatar
    persephone2u | 16 September 2007 at 6:04 am #

    Mmmmmmm. Sounds even more delicious than buzzz.

  17. avatar
    Pain killer | 16 September 2007 at 6:08 am #

    old wise woman’s tale..”The best contraceptive,is an aspirin held between your knees” ha-ha!;-));=))) X

  18. avatar
    Anonymous | 16 September 2007 at 6:45 am #


  19. avatar
    Anonymous | 16 September 2007 at 7:13 am # 4:45…ta for the linq…cheers, x

  20. avatar
    metal_petal | 16 September 2007 at 8:10 am #

    your blog has been great this week.


  21. avatar
    davem | 16 September 2007 at 8:11 am #

    It’ll end in tears…………
    Brien – I along with millions of other middle aged men have found just your solution. A few beers and a curry leaves generally does the trick!!!

  22. avatar
    Faye | 16 September 2007 at 9:11 am #

    You are such a character sk!…You must be so very loved and treasured,by so many..a Buzz for the{Kil} Bee!..In prioritizing,your column should be embossed in gold are GREAT! xo

  23. avatar
    Anonymous | 16 September 2007 at 10:09 am #

    A readers BUZZZ review.

    Ok, it’s good.
    Not being as finely tuned , herbaly as SK, the results weren’t as ‘wow’ as his, SK sounded a bit like he’s on the payroll – but the stuff is good. I give it a 8 outa 10
    I didn’t have it under optimal conditions – I was a bit tired (verging on exhaustion). But I did, as the fellow in the shop suggested, have it on an empty stomach and I had little (none actually) alcohol in the system.

    It kept me alert, woke me up, buzzing even. The felling of subtle elation came in waves, just like the ‘real’ stuff’ , yep. I was thinking I could work with this

    SK mentioned he had a great sleep afterwards but mine was disturbed although I put that down to not letting the stuff run it course.
    BUT the highlight, the revelation, was the aphrodisiac properties. Ummm, what can I say without going into details but the effect was pronounced! Maybe it was the placebo effect..nah, it was the Buzzz.
    So all up it’s pretty igood but I’m going to reserve my final judgement for another time.
    Yes, I’ll be back for more.

  24. avatar
    Anonymous | 16 September 2007 at 10:36 am #

    davem: what if you have no tears?

  25. avatar
    Anonymous | 16 September 2007 at 10:42 am #

    God you make giggle sk! I MUST get some buzzzzzzzz tomorrow, you (and PV) convinced me after todays blog, that’s for sure!!!
    Just take it nice and slow ok! Nighty night.
    Love Amanda

  26. avatar
    Anonymous | 16 September 2007 at 10:44 am #

    goddam, guys whaddaya expect, anything to do with chocolate HAS to be good…could do with a bit of libido-booster as work’s been a real prick lately and when work’s a prick everything suffers…i’m a bit hot and cold with tori amos, some of her songs are ok but others just leave me unmoved…now pj harvey, she’s good and so is beth orton…even confess dido as a guilty pleasure…
    dunno steve, could you really handle being a test-driver for aphrodisiacs…y’know what they say about too much of a good thing and all…have a great week, doll…
    love always
    -The Hellbound Heart

  27. avatar
    davem | 16 September 2007 at 11:02 am #

    If you have no tears? I’d say that was some blokes fault too!!

  28. avatar
    isolde | 16 September 2007 at 11:05 am #


  29. avatar
    Anonymous | 16 September 2007 at 12:14 pm #

    incredibly stupid blog….~*~

  30. avatar
    god | 16 September 2007 at 12:54 pm #

    anon. at 10:14..would you like a bib,for your spittle?..or do you think you might just be able to compose yourself unASSisted?…”what a stupid comment! @10:14″ i say…

  31. avatar
    Anonymous | 16 September 2007 at 12:55 pm #

    oh yeah, Melquiades, you are a slobbering IDIOT…i don’t start wars, i finish them. Everytime you run your fucking mouth on this blog, from all the insults and trash i recall from you, I’ll be waiting round to lay into every fucking pretentious word you spit out…reap what you sow. I haven’t forgotten your insults and short-sighted megalomania either, Steven. Maybe i’ll see you both on a beach on some fucking rotten eastern shore, and I’ll slap both of you around…but you are such a tuff guy right…weren’t you bragging about how you hit someone in the carpark after a gig. Nice. We’ll see. Oh yeah, go ahead with your scathing reprisal, like you are God’s judge and jury cuz you are a such a cool rock star poet…flatulants resound….I can take whatever either of you sods can choke out, and shove back at you in TRUTH. go ahead, i’ll be waitin… did you think all would be forgotten???? ha mother******s……don’t ask why…you know fucking good and well!!!!!!!!!!! use you your golden memory ~*~ om ah hum

  32. avatar
    Anonymous | 16 September 2007 at 12:59 pm #

    hey moron, i’m right here, don’t miss me. That’s right idiot, A bib to soak up your coward blood maybe. Wanna meet in real person to see what I am really like?? or are you brainwashed little jack-ass??? go ahead, speak, sarcastic little asses need to be set straight. A bib?? ha ha . you are sychophant dumbass…

  33. avatar
    fantasticandy | 16 September 2007 at 1:08 pm #

    oh shit!!!
    here we go again………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

  34. avatar
    Anonymous | 16 September 2007 at 1:08 pm #

    anything else…fucking weak mockers.. You are poor judges to say the goddamm least. You know where I am coming from what i am about.? Go ahead respond with infant cliches, cuz your minds are weak. when someone speaks passionately, our even a simple, that sucks comment, they are out of control or dribbling. Dude, you are week! and I’m sure a fucking yes-brat too young to know shit. go ahead challenge me, print your name, go ahead…i ain’t anon cuz im hiding, i just don’t give a fuck a about a moniker. All of you!! want my name and adddress?? I have heard enuff bullshit about Anons/ you wanna be a censor?? go ahead hypocrites.. relish your fucking blindness…YOU DON’T KNOW SHIT

  35. avatar
    god | 16 September 2007 at 1:08 pm #

    oh,honey..thats really quite sad,for you!..i hope you can pull the lacey g-string outta yer bum..such a shame..just when we were all thinking “what a nice bloke you were”

  36. avatar
    emily teechen | 16 September 2007 at 1:11 pm #

    Yes, yes YES! FUCKING A Kilbster

  37. avatar
    Anonymous | 16 September 2007 at 1:13 pm #

    fuck off andy, i’ll say what i want. I’ve said before i dont mind you, even said you are ok( you are in my fucking Myrrhmen myspavce friend box- though i don’t run the ancient thing) so stay out of it. I’ve learned a lot about the baboon assses on this space. I’ve got every right to speak the truth. You guys can act like a Mob, if that’s you wont. Be careful, you don’t know what i am really about. But if anyone wants a fight…/bring it on. My feeling of disgust just grows and grows, Hey, what are you afraid of!!!!

  38. avatar
    Anonymous | 16 September 2007 at 1:15 pm #

    you are “god” what a joke!!!! some name…you ain’t ever goona KNOW me, and you soft sarcasm is WEAK…

  39. avatar
    god | 16 September 2007 at 1:22 pm #

    I would be too embarrassed to say that I did…if I knew you….you are flawed!..and my immaculate sarcasm and wit is blindingly divine,so bite yer bum!

  40. avatar
    Anonymous | 16 September 2007 at 2:11 pm #

    great blog today,as per usual Steve! rock!. xxxooo…/miss B

  41. avatar
    Candy | 16 September 2007 at 2:13 pm #

    sweet dreams all!…peace n love n respect…xo

  42. avatar
    restaurant mark | 16 September 2007 at 2:46 pm #

    hilarious! that was great…but i’m afraid that over here at least, bush and company would probably try to ban roses and orange peels…don’t want ya feeling too good…probably tell us we’re supporting terrorism if we buy a bag of oranges???

    take care everyone


  43. avatar
    restaurant mark | 16 September 2007 at 3:07 pm #

    is there a web site for buzzz…anyone know? steve…anything on the can? tried to google it but all i get is kaboom’s orange buzz…didn’t seem like that was it??? oh, this is funny…the time being comes up on the first page when you google buzzz energy drink.


  44. avatar
    daniel12 | 16 September 2007 at 4:13 pm #

    I’ve just read yesterdays blogg and I see you’ve discovered ‘The ‘Buzz’.
    I’ve told a few people about it but they seem to think i’m exaggerating
    God bless the buzzy bee’s who combined those nectars.

    A friend of mine just took a stack of buzz to Ibiza and cleaned up.
    It really is a wonderfull aussie inovaton.

    Sure hope the man don’t ban it.

  45. avatar
    davem | 16 September 2007 at 4:46 pm #

    Thanks for joining TTB community.
    Given that Jimmy has failed me, please can you fix it for Painkiller to go platinum.


  46. avatar
    Brien Comerford | 16 September 2007 at 7:06 pm #

    Ok my environmentally-friendly Dictator will opt to lace the world’s drinking water supplies with potent contraceptives to make people permanently infertile and sterile. I forgot that a universe of limp male penises would induce immense sexual frustration and very angry men would perpetrate more wars, homicides and animal genocides.

  47. avatar
    God | 16 September 2007 at 8:35 pm #

    Davem…I’ll look into it !…thank you for the welcome!…love you more!…and bless the TTB’s beings,and the one I call “The ambassador,and frontman for my cause!”

  48. avatar
    Anonymous | 16 September 2007 at 9:47 pm #

    God is a lady…

  49. avatar
    Anonymous | 16 September 2007 at 11:02 pm #

    morning, steve!
    a lovely day here.

    love you.

  50. avatar
    Anonymous | 16 September 2007 at 11:18 pm #

    SK??? could we have a bloggy this morning??…am bludging today!…my sculpture seems to be finished,and my brainz could do with a bit of a buzz/kickstart!!..the caffeine creeper is on the upward spiral,but oh!..pretty please??…could you be bribed??…I’ve got jazz n chocolate covered blueberries!!..haha!..have a smashing day SK!,as always,gen xxxxx….P.S.God is good!Good God!God is Great!

  51. avatar
    lily was here | 16 September 2007 at 11:55 pm #

    Damiana, buzz ingredient used by the mayans induces aphrodesiac, calming effects & a natural high..can be smoked, eaten or sipped. I’d slip that in the drinking water Brien with the contraceptive LOL tho’ crushing all that leaf might be a bit of a chore 🙂

    Good mornin’ to you all!


  52. avatar
    Anonymous | 17 September 2007 at 12:01 am #

    Hi sk, yeah, another a-disiac inspired bloggy would be kinda a nice way to start the day.
    Love Amanda
    (P.S.Just eleven more sleeps to go, GODDD I can’t wait!!!!)

  53. avatar
    Anonymous | 17 September 2007 at 12:49 am #

    might be nice to slip a little bit of belladonna in the mix,as well…a little bit of a trip!?to boot!or cooked nutmeg’ll do a similar thing….beats the hell out of licking toads!..xxxxx gen x

  54. avatar
    Matt Davyddson | 17 September 2007 at 1:21 am #

    Hey you abusing anon at 10.55pm and other times during the day. Yeah, he beat me up in the carpark OK? But if you’re gonna abuse on here you mongoloid, then ID yourself you weak piece of shite. What a fucking wanker!!!!!!! What a total cock this Anon prat is. I’d just lurve to slap him around a carpark.

  55. avatar
    daniel12 | 17 September 2007 at 1:58 am #

    Hey Brian

    Your ideology reminds me a little of VHEMT .
    There a society that promotes volentary human extinction.
    It sounds a bit grim but it’s not.
    They dont advocate suicide and there motto is ‘live long and die out’.
    Basically they believe that the most evivomently destructive thing
    anyone can do at this point in time is have a child.
    They believe that any do good peacenic vegetarian recycling one might do to reduce there evivo footprint is insignificant next to the destructive comsumption unleashed through breeding.
    They’ve got a point.

    Have you ever read Myra Breckenridge by Gore Vidal?.
    It’s very funny. The central character is a sex change who believes the world can be saved if we all become “sterile fun loving amazons”.

    Nobody’s gonna talk me into choppin of my shlonger but aphrodesiacs with birth contol sounds like a recipe for global harmony.
    Those wishing to reproduce should apply for a licence to the ‘green vegan fasist party’

    Those not granted a licence should just enjoy themselves and pull out on time.

  56. avatar
    melquiades | 17 September 2007 at 2:40 am #

    I know I’m just feeding this infantile diatribe, but Anon 10:55 (my fingers weaken at teh thought of you), what are you sowing poor soul?

  57. avatar
    Anonymous | 17 September 2007 at 3:02 am #

    dont worry about the dodgey anon..i believe he had the testosterone knocked out of his little toe,by the etherial kitten…and i think he may be embarrassed,or he’s gone back to the void from whence he came….

  58. avatar
    mel | 17 September 2007 at 3:29 am #


  59. avatar
    Anonymous | 17 September 2007 at 3:30 am #

    The Three Gifts
    – by Kahil Gibran

    Once in the city of Becharre there lived a gracious prince who was loved and honored by all his subjects.

    But there was one exceedingly poor man who was bitter against the prince, and who wagged continually a pestilent tongue in his dispraise.
    The prince knew this, yet he was patient.

    But at last he bethought him, and upon a wintry night there came to the door of the man a servant of the prince, bearing a sack of flour, a bag of soap and a cone of sugar.

    And the servant said, “The prince sends you these gifts in token of remembrance.”
    The man was elated, for he thought the gifts were an homage from the prince. And in his pride he went to the bishop and told him what the prince had done, saying, “Can you not see how the prince desires my goodwill?”

    But the bishop said, “Oh, how wise a prince, and how little you understand. He speaks in symbols. The flour is for your empty stomach; the soap is for your dirty hide; and the sugar is to sweeten your bitter tongue. “

    From that day forward the man became shy even of himself. His hatred of the prince was greater than ever, and even more he hated the bishop who had revealed the prince unto him.

    But thereafter he kept silent.

  60. avatar
    eek | 17 September 2007 at 3:49 am #

    …so…we need to take up a collection for some flour, soap and sugar, right? 😉

  61. avatar
    Anonymous | 17 September 2007 at 3:52 am #

    Here,here,well spoken Bruce! x

  62. avatar
    Anonymous | 17 September 2007 at 4:07 am #

    but actually i dont think they are effective for a disgusting toad. i’ll offer him a big pot of hot oil.
    fry the toad in boiling oil is the best way i can think.
    so sk, don’t bother using your flour and sugar…

  63. avatar
    Anonymous | 17 September 2007 at 4:11 am #

    send them to me… i’ll make some delicious cakes for you… , strawberry and chocolate flavoured. mmmm….

  64. avatar
    Anonymous | 17 September 2007 at 4:17 am #

    you’ll love it. accomplished with your lovely buzzz ^-^, may i share it with you?

    .. dont be angry anymore please.

  65. avatar
    Anonymous | 17 September 2007 at 4:18 am #

    i love you

  66. avatar
    then again | 17 September 2007 at 5:08 am #

    Perhaps the poor man knew of some horrid hippocracy the other subjects were unaware of.

    What are you trying to say poor man?.

    If you could calm your lashing tounge perhaps we might understand you.

    This place isn’t a life you know.

  67. avatar
    Anonymous | 17 September 2007 at 8:16 am #

    …and,I LOVE YOU ! XO

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