posted on March 31, 2011 at 7:05 am

a sleep

me n kids bought voyage of the dawn treader

probably one of the best books in cs lewis’ excellent series

the bad news


as a lewis fan i am disgruntled and disappointed in spades

absolute rubbish

what a shame

some bright spark in the writing dept decided that the book was lacking

what the story needed was an evil  green  mist

because all the stuff in there already wasnt  good enough

so it was green evil mist all the way (with no explanation of what it was)

swirling round every fucking scene

green evil mist

because cs lewis’ books aint racy enough for kids nowadays

they need a green evil mist to keep em interested

there it is swirling in the cheapest stupidest special effect

ruining an already over -effected hopelessly rotten film

not even worth reviewing properly

except saying

pluck out your own eyes rather than watching this rubbish

gee tho that evil green mist


imagine the bible updated with it

it’d be a cracking film the kids love their evil green mist

adam n eve in the garden attacked by the EGM

jesus on the cross  nailed up by the EGM!

the devil in hell surrounded by EGM

i mean its got applications everywhere

sept 11 the true story was the EGM

church at oprah house sucked off by the EGM
the steve killbee biopic …convinced to take ‘eroin by the EGM
re-do lord of the rings n put in more EGM

who killed JR …? the EGM

finish off deadwood finally al swearingen eaten by the EGM

a decent ending for the slopranos tony gunned down by the EGM

who won the fucking tennis today …why the EGM

whose the new singer in REM its EGM

whats charlie sheen snorting oh no the EGM

priest = EGM

under the EGM tonight

sergeant peppers lonely heartsclub EGM

man its incredible

it solves every problem ever known to  man

who offed laura palmer the EGM of course

ok thats enough

go enjoy yer day

and remember

watch out for the

51 Responses to “the dork treadah”

  1. avatar
    Once | 31 March 2011 at 7:21 am #


    I’ve just realized that you are at your most hilarious when you are utterly disgusted by something.

    Thing about that is, you’re right!

    Genius does not sleep…


  2. avatar
    Abel | 31 March 2011 at 7:50 am #

    I cracked in laughter at reading “Priest = EGM”. Btw, I have the Screwtape letters but it’s too much for me (remember I’m Spanish so don’t ask me for more). Any tips on what is it about? Cheers!!

  3. avatar
    BROKEN TOYS AND HEROS | 31 March 2011 at 7:52 am #

    You truly covered all the ‘EGM’ in modern and pre/post-modern pop culture references. How about its uses in everyday products:

    Sonys New 55in 3d telly with EGM !!!

    Lucky Charms new marshmallow flavor cereal with EGM !!!

    The new Iphone and Ipad spewing out EGM !!!

    Baby’s Diapers already filled with … EGM !!!

    Fuck Pepsi and Coke products, Mountain Dew already had EGM as its
    main ingredient.

    The U.S.A is no longer looking for dictator controlled foreign WMD ,
    NO NO NO …We want their EGM !!!

    And finally … no longer a blue little pill for male enhancement…
    GET YOURSELF SOME EGM !!! AND GO WILD !!! (warning: if you have a EGM created erection lasting longer than 4 hours, don’t seek medical treatment… take some more EGM and find a set of twins, triplets, or raid the Playboy Mansion !!!

    Darrin K.

    If you read the story in one of the books I gave you titled “Slow Trains OverHead” on page 73, the EMG may have really originated in Chicago on Clark Street. Look it up, its an urban legend here and the radio station that DID take credit for it, recanted days later. Please read it if you can, it will shed some new light on EMG.

  4. avatar
    Richard | 31 March 2011 at 8:10 am #

    so THAT’s what all that green stuff on the weather radar is!

  5. avatar
    andy | 31 March 2011 at 8:24 am #

    ah….a nice cosy kip!

    loved the books….’the lampost’ is only fifteen mins from my home.
    hate the movies.
    think seeing it with the girls did yer some good though….even if it was crap!

  6. avatar
    Lara | 31 March 2011 at 8:26 am #

    The EGM is just misunderstood. All the other mists teased it when it was young, leaving it deeply insecure.

  7. avatar
    Lisa | 31 March 2011 at 8:52 am #

    Hilarious stuff Mr. Kilbey! Nice to see you are passionate about something even if its just a crappy movie. Hmmmm could be some EGM that entered whilst you were catching your zzzzzz’s.

  8. avatar
    nickfiction | 31 March 2011 at 8:53 am #

    I have to to admit that was one hell of a funny rant. I especially liked the part about the egm=aura. this is funny stuff. When’s the triple live dvd coming for the recent tour of the states. Those blurry youtube clips from iphones just dont cut it for me. Cleveland stinks, we have the rock hall of fame , but the actual induction ceremony is held in NYC. I really doubt Bono wants to shower in Cleveland water. And now even my favourite band , the Church skips us. bummed in Cleveland. NickFiction

  9. avatar
    Blake | 31 March 2011 at 9:03 am #

    How’d the kids like it, Steve?

  10. avatar
    Tanya | 31 March 2011 at 9:17 am #

    Way to put a smile on my face and a snicker under my breath while at work! Reminds me of when my mom said dad thought he could fix everything with silver duct tape and a hammer. Hail to the discovery of EMG!

    The picture of you sleeping; Does that qualify as an unguarded moment?

  11. avatar
    Narelle | 31 March 2011 at 9:36 am #

    will now rethink the current book I’m reading…George Orwells, Coming Up For Air…(hang thy head in shame, one of my favourite authors and just happen to miss it!!!)
    apparently, there were just a few editorial problems, blah , blah
    sound like Orwell, reads like Orwell
    Coming Up For Air Then Tortured By EGM, George EGM

  12. avatar
    Christine | 31 March 2011 at 9:50 am #

    OMG…my stomach hurts so bad! :^D

  13. avatar
    Ellen | 31 March 2011 at 10:05 am #

    LOL!! Okay, I promise NOT to see this film.

    The way they (whoever “they” are) make up new diseases and disorders, I’m expecting any day now to see the latest malady to fall upon mankind – EGM!

  14. avatar
    aida morgan | 31 March 2011 at 10:08 am #

    I wonder if having some EGM floating around in the waiting room of our office would chill our customers out a bit so that they aren’t so uptight and angry by the time I have to deal with them and their petty complaints. On second thoughts, it might stain the walls…

    Thanks for the laugh and have a good day!

  15. avatar
    monksphere | 31 March 2011 at 10:22 am #

    Your diverse knowledge of U.S. t.v. is truly impressive! All along I thought it was mostly Robin Leach and the occasional sitcom. Yeah it seems a decent movie these days is damn near impossible to find. Has everything been done? Redone? Again and again. Can’t find the dead horse anymore? Just beat the spot where she died, that’ll work. How does the Hollywood cow keep producing milk? Considering the average cost of making a movie today, it baffles me that people invest in such tripe. I don’t help matters by buying a ticket now and then. I guess one can never predict the quality of the final product but if it involves certain folks of talent and long standing reputations one would expect some thing watchable, perhaps even decent. I usually stick to DVDs and cable because ticket prices are about as ridiculous as the schitt on screen. I did like the Coen brothers version of True Grit a lot. Then again maybe it’s been such a long time since I’ve seen a good movie that I’ve forgotten what they look like. And Red was almost okay due to the scenes of Helen Mirren wielding a machine gun while wearing an evening gown. God I think my standards are sinking to new lows! Hopefully it will remain strictly with movies. Good to see you a sleep, here’s to pleasant dreams and the death of the EMG!

  16. avatar
    monksphere | 31 March 2011 at 10:38 am #

    Whoops, I meant the EGM. It must be creeping into my brain. Aaarrrgh!!! Help!

  17. avatar
    simon | 31 March 2011 at 10:39 am #

    uninvited, like the EGM

  18. avatar
    ASSMIDGET | 31 March 2011 at 11:36 am #

    Pure EGM

  19. avatar
    DavidP | 31 March 2011 at 11:40 am #

    hope you are getting the rest you need sk and finding some equilibrium
    everything is much harder when constantly tired
    shame about the EGM laden movie
    take care, be aware

  20. avatar
    Freddie | 31 March 2011 at 12:02 pm #

    ahahaha now I need to watch this. 😀
    You asleep there?!
    Wake up, WAKE UP the evil green mist is almost upon you!!!

  21. avatar
    Steven Krut | 31 March 2011 at 12:21 pm #

    At least the movie helped you sleep. I looked up the film’s reviews on IMDB and lots of other people complain about the EGM, too. Liked the Twin Peaks reference.

  22. avatar
    caitbrid | 31 March 2011 at 2:10 pm #

    That was hilarious–thank you!! I love C.S. Lewis too. I think they should not make any more of the Narnia books into movies. This post was a perfect end to my day!

    Kathleen in Philly

  23. avatar
    Kristine | 31 March 2011 at 2:20 pm #

    Had a good laugh at the photo as I just woke up to peruse the internet with my head on a white pillow and laptop sort of up in the air. Doesn’t work when writing though, shame! I couldn’t go without leaving a comment on this. Narnia is like my own secret world so long have I loved these books. And the stupid bastards making these movies should be hung, drawn and quartered! A green mist? Why did the filmmakers decide that a green mist was needed? I guess audiences now aren’t meant to use their imaginations anymore and so really cheesy and pointless things like green mist have to be added to create an illusion of…what?? The book already contains more than enough twists and turns as it is. How much more do people need?

    Prince Caspian is also a monumental piece of shite. Granted, I only saw about 10 minutes of the intro, but that was more than enough. The poor soul who had turned it on wasn’t even able to watch it so loud was I spluttering about the film being ruined. I’m still half asleep at the moment so am not going to point out any details, but suffice it to say that not only did the beginning of it not correspond with the book but they also made up dialogue that wasn’t in the book. Why? The book was perfect as it was. They should’ve had Peter Jackson make the movies. He at least was totally faithful to the spirit of Lord of the Rings. The Chronicles of Narnia were really special books to me growing up and still are. I prefer to think of the books using my own imagination and the absolutely perfect illustrations by Pauline Baynes and ignore that there are even movies out there about them. It’s just better that way. Bah!

  24. avatar
    davem | 31 March 2011 at 4:06 pm #

    Glad to see you in better form.

  25. avatar
    Karen | 31 March 2011 at 5:35 pm #

    under the olde EGM tonight eh?

  26. avatar
    mime | 31 March 2011 at 6:56 pm #

    Don’t say Gatsby didn’t see the green light

  27. avatar
    hellbound heart | 31 March 2011 at 8:01 pm #

    ah-hah!!! is egm the thing that makes kids play up in my classroom? tell it to sod off for me, please
    love always……..

    ps my daughter’s reading the spiderwick chronicles and she’s loving every minute of it…..

  28. avatar
    Fandango | 31 March 2011 at 10:21 pm #

    Funniest blog post ever. I nearly choked on my morning bowl of EGM flakes I was laughing so hard.

  29. avatar
    Cocoamo | 31 March 2011 at 10:43 pm #

    Very funny rant. Not the first time some director fell in love with a particular effect and thought it was soooo cool he had to use it again, again, and again.

    In the Godfather movies, somebody decided that having a baby crying it the background personified the large Italian family, so there was a constant stream of baby sobbing.

    In Apocalypse Now, it was the shadow of a very slowly moving ceiling fan on the faces of people sitting around a table. Over and over.

    In the Bourne Identity movies, they decided that the action scenes evidently weren’t active enough, so they shook the camera through each chase scene, gun battle, and fist fight. Instant motion sickness guaranteed for the poor viewer.

    My latest unfavorite movie, (and you couldn’t pay me to go to the inevitible sequel to this one) was Sherlock Holmes. Two effects were repeated ad nauseam in this one. First was the oh so clever deal where a scene, such as a wrestling match, was first disected in stop action slow motion, analyzing each frame, and then run through very quickly. This may have been entertaining once, but after about the fifth one, ugh… Then there was a large piece of machinery or a building creaking, creaking, creaking, creaking, before it finally crashed down while people ran for their lives. I don’t know how many times they repeated that.

    Anyway, as you say, you can take an otherwise perfectly mediocre movie and turn it into sheer torture with these unrelenting effects. Die EGM and all your brothers and sisters, die.

    P.S. The King’s Speech is a good movie, and quite suitable for taking children also. I might add the new Cohen Brothers’ True Grit – also a good one for children.

    Your friend in Pennsylvania
    (Now in Cocoa Beach)

  30. avatar
    John Garratt | 1 April 2011 at 1:05 am #

  31. avatar
    . | 1 April 2011 at 2:51 am #

    a prequel idea for EGM…
    a pristine lake in the tops of the mountains
    shimmering, melon green, reflecting an endless sky
    a garden of eden of sorts for those who knew about it
    one of last strongholds left unguarded from the world of men
    explorers eager to make a name for themselves kidnap natives
    and force them to show them this mythical land of enchanted green
    they can’t believe how magical this place is, it’s quite mesmerizing
    soon after, it’s commercialized with villas, docks, submarine rides
    the lake groans in disappointment and speaks to the developers
    all of whom have a heavy interest in hollywood and filmmaking
    they’re asked to leave, but they refuse and continue
    the next morning, the lake is dry without a trace of the grandeur
    the water has transformed into EGM to plague the greedy developers
    who keep on making movies that are really, really, really bad
    since the golden age of filmmaking to present day
    they’re so oblivious, they don’t even notice…

  32. avatar
    Andreas | 1 April 2011 at 2:59 am #

    Magician among the EGM…
    the next delivery!


  33. avatar
    mattyc | 1 April 2011 at 7:38 am #

    “It’s not easy being green.” Kermit T. Frog

  34. avatar
    Curtis | 1 April 2011 at 7:52 am #

    finally finish Deadwood……..YES!!

  35. avatar
    Once | 1 April 2011 at 9:45 am #

    Proceeding with the Richards book (another hundred pages in), I am now captivated by the blunt honesty and true love of music that this guy has – I mean, I’ve never even THOUGHT about music the way this guy writes about it…which would make sense, as I am not a musician, and he’s…well…Keith. That said, even with the glory that is the Stones (I’ve always loved them intensely), I wonder if they were also a product of the times as well as being a great rock n’ roll band. Back then (I wasn’t even born when they started out, so this is from info that I’ve gleaned)- they were “a new breed”, so to speak. Converting the blues into rock n’ roll (tho Keith says they’re the same thing, just with a different beat) – not singlehandedly, but most efficiently. In all honestly, I’ve never really liked the Beatles, but I do realize that many of the bands that I’ve enjoyed over the years would not have existed without them. Again – new, pioneering, the start of a musical movement.

    So, I wonder, what happens next? Music seems to be inextricably entwined with social movement, or at least it was at one time (witness: The Clash, another band that I adore); and there really isn’t a lot of that around these days, in the alleged “free world”, anyway. When did “the next big thing” go from The Stones to Justin Bieber? And why?

    The Church is by far the most “different” band to any of the others out there, especially now – with all of the experience, yet fresh and current, and always musically and lyrically fascinating – any time that I post a link to my Facebook friends who are not familiar with the band, they are floored. Let’s face it – “Untitled” is freakin’ brilliant. All of it. And what really speaks to me, is that it is not like ANYTHING else out there! I mean, I can’t really tell Chris Daughtry from Nickleback from Lincoln Park from…blah blah blah. They’re not BAD bands; but they’re all that post-grunge MOR…stuff. The Church are on a whole different level.

    I know that the band has been referred to as “a muso’s band” – but hell, I probably know about 10 guitar chords, and I’m totally enthralled, so there’s that argument gone. Post-psychedelic? I just don’t think so…I mean, that was Kula Shaker and Ride and The Stone Roses, etc. – that was it’s own little thing. Good records, but entirely different, and somewhat derivative. And you can’t argue (as my London-born ex was fond of doing) that it’s “an Australian thing” – as Marty is from Liverpool, FFS.

    So – we’re left with a band that is accomplished, melodic, intelligent, visceral and at times absolutely “rockin'”…with a certain mystic aspect – something in there that makes one THINK. I love it, as I know everyone here does – and I really wonder what it is about the music industry that has seemingly failed us. Perhaps the fact that is IS an “industry”?

    Am I saying that The Church should be as “big” as The Stones? Damn right, I am. And I’m kinda pissed off about that. 🙂

    Steve – your best days are still ahead of you. I’ve been a bit depressed lately (sorry), but in the light of day it has to be said – you can do it all (whatever “all” is – personal for everyone, I would expect)…I know that the industry is all about the money (hence Mr. Bieber), but in the end, people are going to gravitate towards music that speaks to them and makes them FEEL. You’ve got that.

    The EGM is diluted dollars, cloying and sickening – and omnipotent; but I know that people like you, Peter, Marty and Tim are above that and dedicated to what you do – to turning yourselves inside out onstage, and if the response to the last tour is any indicator – “Winning!”

    The next record…??? Ya know, a lot of critics did not like Exile on Main Street (hard to believe) – I KNOW what you guys can do. Looking forward.

    Thank you and best regards,

    • avatar
      mattyc | 1 April 2011 at 11:40 pm #

      Well thought out Donna. I always leaned to the Stones in their (and my)formative years. They had an edge, a swaggger, a certain darkness that was not quite ready for prime time. But it’s difficult to argue the influence of the Beatles, the great and prolific songwriting and sublime vocals. McCartney’s diverse bass work was overlooked I think as he frequently carried the melody.
      But I think that most art, and popular music in particular, is a ‘product of the times’, not just in a socio-political sense, but also in the metamorphosis of the band or musician progressing from song to song, album to album. Could The Church have written ‘Untitled 23’ 20 years ago? I don’t really know the answer, but I think that work is a culmination of a creative stream that continues to evolve and change course, and that to me is what makes The Church vital. While bands like The Stones rest on decades-old laurels, The Church continues to explore, innovate and create and I appreciate each new work and new concert more than the last.
      There’s always been a Bieber, fine with me as long as there always is The Church.
      “The World’s Greatest Rock and Roll Band”. I think the readers and writers here know who that is.

      • avatar
        Once | 4 April 2011 at 9:33 am #

        I agree. Still, tho, the last “great” Stones album was…what? “Some Girls”? Things kinda slid (for me, anyway) after that…when all the Mick-inspired disco stuff came into it. There’s a quote in the book that’s really good: “Mick’s biggest fear at the time, as he kept on telling the press, was to be pigeonholed, as he put it, to Exile on Main St. But Don {Was} was more interested in protecting the legacy of what was good about the Stones; he didn’t want to do anything that was below the standard of that stuff from the late 60’s and early 70’s era. Why did Mick fear Exile? It was too good! That’s why. Whenever I heard “Oh, we don’t want to go back and re-create Exile on Main St.,” I thought, “I wish you fucking could, pal!”

        I think that’s where they went wrong – because the natural evolution of a musician necessitates change, but not forcing oneself into another genre. This is the great thing about the Church – they’ve NEVER put out anything that is below their standard. And with all due respect, I think the Stones did. I mean, I’d much rather spin the X-Pensive Winos than freakin’ Bridges to Babylon. It’s like, yeah, it’s the Stones…but it kind of isn’t, ya know?

        And when I listen to Myrrh and Cobalt Blue back to back, I don’t feel that disconnect…it’s The Church. Solidly. Different tunes, but there’s, as you pointed out, a continuity – a sense of a band progresing, and not just saying, “Well, good stuff’s been done, let’s do some poppy stuff and see what happens!” Like…I hate to use this phrase, but…jumping the shark!

        I guess no one can be great forever; times passes, people age, priorities change and all that. You can’t live in the past, after all. I guess reading the book made me think back about “those” days, and all that has come and gone (it’s totally comprehensive, highly recommended), and just wonder about the future of music in general.

        Anyway, ’nuff about that…


        • avatar
          Once | 4 April 2011 at 10:08 am #

          Oh, if I may make one more comment, just because this drives me INSANE every year – Christmas Songs! Can we PLEASE have some NEW freakin’ Christmas songs??? I mean, ok, they’re “beloved classics” and all that (O Holy Night gives me chills), but WTF? Was there an official group of Christmas song writers who all died off and that’s it, over??

          Sure, the material is a bit limited – ya got your bells, your presents, the Santa aspect, Jesus in the manger, shepherds and angels, snow…but c’mon! There’s gotta be another way to spin it!!


        • avatar
          thetimebeing | 4 April 2011 at 2:00 pm #

          thanks for the nice comment, once

          • avatar
            Once | 5 April 2011 at 1:19 pm #

            Thank you for allowing me to post it, good Sir.

  36. avatar
    Joe Gibson | 1 April 2011 at 11:31 am #

    Hilarious post!
    I wonder what SK’s favorite Narnia book is…

  37. avatar
    bionicanna | 1 April 2011 at 4:26 pm #

    such a pleasant pic to see before drifting off

  38. avatar
    captain mission | 1 April 2011 at 11:41 pm #

    yep i felt like that when i saw ‘dark materials movie’ made a complete mess of it really.
    i saw a great film at the flicks called, ‘never let me go’ which i think you would like. it’s got keirra knightly in it so i know marty would like it, but its a great story and a well made film.if you have a chance worth seeing although not for children.
    that EGM has seeped into the novel i’m reading, sleepless by charlie huston. very good read, for those sleepless nights man. about a third of the way through the main character breaks into a lab and there’s a layer of EGM on the floor. yeah for real!
    looking forwards to pyschedelic sunday….
    take care

  39. avatar
    david | 2 April 2011 at 12:22 am #

    talk about magical ..uts snowing here in philly ..beautiful…

  40. avatar
    SecondSightMusic | 2 April 2011 at 4:06 am #

    Bitter hilariousness! Sounds like I can cross that movie off my list! Off to watch ‘Indiana Jones & the Temple of the Evil Green Mist’…!

  41. avatar
    Cecilia | 2 April 2011 at 5:01 am #

    Why can’t I go see the church at oprah house being sucked off by the EGM?

    Ok I just realized how bad that question sounds!!

  42. avatar
    hippy | 2 April 2011 at 5:27 am #

    Now I know why The Church never made it huge or got the attention they deserved….

    Evil Greedy Musiclabels

  43. avatar
    post-punk rocker | 2 April 2011 at 5:48 am #

    How did Post-Punk music evolve? What is the real truth behind the music revolution of the era? “Oh no, it’s EGM!”

    (To SK, thanks. Best laugh all week)

  44. avatar
    Heather daydream | 2 April 2011 at 10:10 am #

    Where can I buy the EGM t-shirt?

  45. avatar
    meg manestar | 4 April 2011 at 9:17 pm #

    freaken HILAREOUS!

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