posted on August 20, 2016 at 9:28 pm

Photo on 20-08-2016 at 9.12 PM

people surprised i fantasise about it


after all the fucking drugs


after all the fucking women


after all the fucking arguments


after all the planes and airports


after getting chucked in jail


after all the broken hearts


after all the lies and alibis


after all the ugly rivals


after all the riches and debts


after all the fucking racket is died down


after all the boozing and schmoozing


after all the lording it over them


after all the grovelling to them


all i found and then lost gone into


and the hasty and hypocritical pronouncements


to be nothing

to be no one

to not have to see it

to not have to feel it

to not hear about it

to not have it shoved in your face



yes i am ok

not planning on checking out

but fuck it all


24 Responses to “the me i just had to be”

  1. avatar
    Chris | 20 August 2016 at 10:28 pm #

    oblivious to oblivion…cool paradox

  2. avatar
    Cath | 20 August 2016 at 10:33 pm #

    I hear you

    go somewhere beautiful with your girls? <3

  3. avatar
    Crowd of Stars | 21 August 2016 at 12:31 am #


  4. avatar
    andy | 21 August 2016 at 12:52 am #

    could be the best since block…………..

  5. kevinbreton
    kevinbreton | 21 August 2016 at 11:28 am #

    I’m with you. I find the most joy in life all by myself playing flute for my dog who’s deaf. If I even see a tv I get bad anxiety. If I watch something violent I basically have a heart attack and I get angry at who ever is doing it. Me and my whistle. And my dying dog and the reverberations of it all. I had a dream as a kid where my whole family was getting bombed by a nuclear bomb by Russia. I still don’t doubt it may be true. Evil exists. God is the antithesis but did not give us minds capable of comprehending why?! That evil exists. Was it bc the devil sang out of tune or something?! Anyway I could get get a nuclear bomb dropped on me and so be it! I will not turn that tv on or listen to people talking on the radio about politics or watch people throw a ball around on a field. I’ve had enough and I’m done with it all… I have a theremin. I have a whistle. And I have a shirt I made that says “aye lad”. That’s about all I have to say to any one. There is One who truly loved me or anyone else in this world and I can tell you it wasn’t me!

  6. kevinbreton
    kevinbreton | 21 August 2016 at 11:49 am #

    What was said about the world written rather long ago will unfold and I just want everyone to know I cared about Nintendo when it was primitive and I cared about hitting homeruns a bit. I cared about playing my flute. But whatever crap they’re trying to sell on tv. They can go find someone else to buy it. I don’t want to be hip and cool I don’t wanna play by the rules. Not under the thumb of the cynical few or laden down by the doom crew. But if it is doom then I’ll go peacefully in that doom. I had enough of this place anyway

  7. avatar
    Hawthorne | 21 August 2016 at 12:48 pm #

    You can achieve the nothingness and peace you crave through meditation and it’s incredibly powerful and revitalizing. Get your mind out of the past and into the moment, which is amazing and beautiful. Such a gift! Yesterday’s gone and it’s better that way. 🙂

  8. avatar
    Cocoamo | 21 August 2016 at 1:05 pm #

    It has been some years, but I did have the experience of being dead and revived.

    There was no light, no dead relatives waiting for me, nothing. There was just a very depressing feeling that nothing at all mattered, the kind of nothing that is just beyond our comprehension. Yeah, oblivion sums it up well.

    Then, for some reason, it occurred to me that gratitude did matter and was all that mattered. I could be wrong, but that is what surfaced. It seems that gratitude is the closest thing I can imagine to prayer, and probably to love. And, I have felt furthest from those things when I was consumed with feelings of resentment, revenge, injustice or of being hurt – kind of the opposite of gratitude.

    I’m no expert and there are those who know much more than I do about these things, but that is just my feeling.

    Sorry not to be able to express this more coherently.

    Your Friend in Pennsylvania

    • avatar
      Beatle#9 | 6 September 2016 at 5:54 pm #

      you make an interesting point about (resentment etc.) being the opposite of Gratitude.

  9. avatar
    crimson | 21 August 2016 at 2:05 pm #

    Day 5? The day they turned off the great machine? I expect after rising from oblivion to a new dawn I would hear something like those songs… The chance to grow towards small infinities again, and not worry if again to rise, to fall into an old book or some length of sleepy days and wandering through unfamiliar streets of antiques.

  10. Pictish
    Pictish | 21 August 2016 at 8:09 pm #

    And when the shadow of oblivion arrives, we’ll ask for just a few more moments. We’re a conflicted beast.

  11. avatar
    Bec | 21 August 2016 at 8:50 pm #

    Life gets so hectic and heavy and complicated sometimes and it seems like people are expecting more more more and I just get so SICK of others hanging their shit on me and I tell you what, even just the oblivion of sleep for a few hours is might welcome…I’m hearing you mate…..
    Love always…..

  12. kevinbreton
    kevinbreton | 22 August 2016 at 12:33 am #

    I totally agree with that gratitude. That is a brilliant experience and point Cocoamo. I’m from pa too. I think that’s the number one thing is thankfulness. And saying were sorry for what we’ve done and I mean all of us. “Doesn’t matter what you’ve done. You are never too far gone”. And there’s one name that’s above all names. We will never find nothingness because the fact is we are something whether we like it or not. Not that we chose to be here. None of us did.

  13. kevinbreton
    kevinbreton | 22 August 2016 at 12:46 am #

    If you really love your VIP fans Mr Kilbey like you said. Imagine how much God loves His VIP fans. His VIP fans are anyone who believes and trusts in His son. We need to say were sorry for everything. And we need to carry our cross but if we have a His strength to do it. There’s nothing that would ever make us more content. And it all starts… Now. There’s as many doubts out there as there are stars in the sky. “And you can’t touch them if you try”. But real faith is a rare and beautiful thing. It’s not by doing this or that that makes our Father happy but simply Believing in His Son. I would wager that is the hardest thing in the world to do is just to …. Believe!!

  14. avatar
    DP | 23 August 2016 at 4:45 pm #

    Oblivion will get you nowhere
    Now hear
    Be here now
    Now be here
    Now where?
    Night mare?
    What is this frail and human weakness?
    Stand up and fight!
    Bear arms against a sea of troubles
    Do not be swayed from The Path
    Stand firm for the light inside of yourself
    Don’t allow it to be overrun by darkness

    This is the Path of Action

    We come here to learn don’t we?
    Got to learn our lessons
    In this school of life
    The same dramas repeat
    unless we learn and correct to transcend

    This life is paradise compared to devolution
    I know this crazy world is just about totally ruined
    Don’t despair, inside yourself conduct a revolution!
    Learning to extract the light from darkness the solution!

  15. avatar
    r.richiec | 23 August 2016 at 8:46 pm #

    Are you back from the USA? How bout swinging the Church into Canberra’s orbit again one day? I assure you, you will pull a crowd.

  16. avatar
    Ingrid | 24 August 2016 at 9:52 pm #

    Totally get it and feeling like that a lot myself of late.

  17. avatar
    redblueyoohoo | 26 August 2016 at 1:05 pm #


  18. kevinbreton
    kevinbreton | 27 August 2016 at 12:27 pm #

    Sometimes I think certain disasters can be really be an end to great things and people like say 911. But other times things that seem like chaos or oblivion can be the nebula of something bizarrely beautiful and a serious great beginning. Isn’t it a phenomenon how there’s often beauty in sadness. How’s there’s the hope of life even in death. And forgiveness of all sin when we repent. There’s nothing God asks of us than to love mercy. Do justly and walk! Humbly with Our God. Amen

  19. avatar
    syrinx | 2 September 2016 at 7:19 pm #

    White. I close my eyes and try for complete white. After all gets in the way being as after all is not yet. Sir.

  20. avatar
    Beatle#9 | 6 September 2016 at 5:52 pm #

    This could very easily be a song.

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