posted on September 8, 2006 at 11:37 pm

*this is the first in an occaisional installment
this is intended for humourous purposes
please do not sent in anonymice comments
about how “low-brow” i am
i am a philistine rocker with no pedigree
i know nothin bout nothin
this is but a fancy
an attempt to amuse you, sullen reader!
now just put yer list of spurious suggestions down
relax, smile a little
ah….there ya go…
you see its all just a joke….
ha ha
now imagine this
its a long long time ago
thousands of years in fact
ooh its warm…
oh its the aegean sea
this is the story of odysseus
in the sk vernacular
ok ok ok
anyhow
it was the greek mother in law of all wars
the war they had to have
ten thousand ships my children
are you listening up the back there in thessaly?
i wish somebody would tell me the score
greeks 1 trojans 0
but lets check the stats
over to esskaius
yes well
it aint lookin’ good for either side here
i mean we’re talkin the flower of the youth here druid
we’re talkin’ dead sons of gods n all kindsa stuff
achilles gone ajax gone vim gone hector same thing
paris, king fuckin priam, a whole bunch i dunno…
back to you…
so anyhow
the greeks have won
i mean they lost thousands of blokes
but they got miss helen back
i hope shes a real pretty lady
and whatta bout king menelaus
the dude she ran away from
when she eloped with mr handsome
he just takes her back like simpering fool
no “what the fuck! did you see all the trouble you caused?”
nope
within a week shes back in their pad in sparta
layin on feasts for their compadres
and servin’ up nepenthe
anyhow this brings us back to our hero
i see him kinda like well maybe a little freckly
maybe a little beard turnin a little white
medium build , grey eyes, fine brown hair
chiselled features, perfect straight nose
maybe a pair of gold earrrings…
(is this man beginning to materialise in yer imagination yet?)
hes kinda wise n kind n sexy all at once
a musical voice soft n deep
ooh dig his ithacan accent
the way he drawls his epsilons baybee
check his legs
bulging calves
he must swim a bit i guess
anyway
odysseus (for tis he!)
has finished his gig in troy
and needs to split for home
n his darlin little wifey penelope
(a real honey too, by all accounts)
n his little son
telemachus
(inventor of telemarketing)
but wouldnt ya know it!
its been a long ten years
ya just wanna get home n into yer own beddybyes
oh no no o
oh look out
youve forgotten to appease poseidon fer a start
now this poseidon god of the ocean
could hold his breath underwater fer ages
but
the cat held his grudges too
and he seriously intended to chuck a spanner in the worx
no
first of all hes blown all over the mediterranean
(oh lucky him)
he goes to the land of the cicones
i think they were madonnas ancestors
then next they turn up in the land of the lotus eaters
lotus elans, lotus europas, ha ha
no seriously folks
the lotus eaters land sounds like my kinda place
these cats jus’ sittin’ round eatin’ lotus
wow!
thats it?
but jesus
you get a habit real real fast
no wonder lotus is banned in anatolia n arcadia
but recently decriminalised in corinth
for possession of under half a drachmas worth
anyhoo
half the crew of o’s ship get the lotus jonesin’
jesus guys i told ya not to eat too much fuckin’ lotus..
next they hit this island where the inhabitants are giant one eyed monsters
now i could insert a few names in there
but our o called em cyclops
and one in particular called poly phemus
probably angry still cos he had a girls name
n all the other giants’d tease him by singin’
poly put the kettle on
or later they called him poly drug abuse
anyhow
o n his men end up in a sticky spot in a cave
n ole one eyes is back!
this dude takes meat eatin to a new disgustin’ level
hes eating o’s crew
meanwhile crafty o is thinkin
how dja like a poke in the fuckin eye with a burnt stick
cmon that giant had it coming people
but guess what
strings attached!
poly is poseidons own little toddler
raised by his proud dad ever since he was knee high to a hydra
by zeuses golden balls he rages
im gonna fix your little red wagon you little mortal s.o.b.
meanwhile while all this malarkeys goin’ on
back home things aint all that great neither
theres a whole buncha young hoodlums n neer do wells
hangin round tryin to crack on to penelope
a) cos shes a foxee laydee
b) then theyll get the queen n half the kingdom
but the real bad news
theyre treating young telemachus real badde
so he starts channelling the goddess athene
who digs the son as much as she dug the dad
and she starts appearing all over the place
(hey telemachus, you sure you aint been eatin’ that lotus again?)
anyhow teleboy guided by voices
sets off on a wild goose chase all over peloponnese
lookin for his daddyo

meanwhile back on some greek island
our o hassa made good friends with a draughty cat
called aeolus
talk about windy n wild
hes a wind god
a zephyr enthusiast too be sure
a real breezemaker
now he says to o
druid, altho yer just a mere mortal
i can dig where ya comin from
i understand that ya wanna get home
to ya wife n ya kid
so man
check out this little bag of stuff i have here
o looks at this baggie that a is profferin’
whats that….lotus..? he asks hopefully
nope dude, its wind!
o takes the bag o wind and almost blows himself
n the crew all the way home(!!??)
when a cuppla real turkeys amongst the crew
they start goin’
fuckin o, hes keepin all the good stuff for himself…
reckon hes got anymore of that lotus?
you betcha dude, its in his baggie…
anyway these vicious backstabbin faithless pricks
ruin it for everyone
jus when olde o call see his own palace roof coming into view
talk about lettin the cat out of the bag
these idiots unleashed a friggin’ hurricane!
and they get blown all over the place again(!!??)
they turn up at this chick circes island
(everyone had their own island in these days)
shes into some real weird voodoo shit
and she reckons all of o’s crew are pigs
and so it comes to be
but her magic dont work on o
but oh my my
shes smitten by our humble hero
by his piercing grey eyes
n his subtle turn of phrase n ithican accent
“where you from ?she asks…samos?
nope guess
i dunno um argos…? no i didnt think so…marathon?
anyhow
she takes him to her chamber
she drops her clothes
o singin’ she IS a witch but i like the way she twitch uh huh
she lays on the bed and says
get it on!
bang a gong
get it on!
he says lady if ya wanna be my lover
you better turn my pigs back into homeboys
she says druid its a done deal!
anyway after a while
in the afterglow one night
circe says oh o my lovely lover
you should go down the underworld
see if any of them shades cant get ya home
thats enuff for o
hes straight down that river styx
hes down there where the sun dont never shine
hades baybee
ooh hot n nasty
ooh cold n empty
he meets his mother
he meets achilles n a few other of the old greek boy gang
coolin their heels in the gloomy doomy afterlife
how fuckin depressing!
i mean after all that…
this is the afterlife…?
anyway
he splits this morbid scene
he checks out the song of the sirens
hey didnt jeffs dad write that?
ooh fiendss talk about motown harmonies
ooh those sirens
luvverly voices they had n what lyrics
but o’s men aint listnin’
theyre more concerned with scylla n charybdis
more nasty monsters tryin to make a meal of our boys
narrow escapes n close shaves r us
o makes it
only to land on a real nice island
called thrinacia
azure seas, white sands, the lot
trouble is the sun-god owns this piece of surreal estate
and hes a vegetarian
and hes got these cattle
and he gets real real miffed when the homeboys eat his beefs
despite o’s warnings
“what part of dont eat the sun gods cows dontcha understand?”
and o’s last ship is destroyed in a storm
o’s gone totally solo now
n he washes up on this lil place called ogygia
and lucky olde o
this island is the home of a nymph calypso
and she aint called a nymph for nuffin’ either
a demi goddess, an absolute gorgeous bit of crumpet
she n o immediately hit it off
and in no time o’s livin some cushy life
being waited on hand n foot by elemental slaves
hes like giving this demi goddess a good seeing to
day n night
when one day he takes out his lyre n writes this song
shapeless thing in a wine dark sea
amphitrites currents bring my love home to me..
gee what a lovely voice he has..
so soothing n even
a little husky
and oh what lovely words
been sittin here calypso nearly seven long years…
ya see
even tho calypsos are divine bit of grumble
olde os’s still thinkin of the missus penny
but calypso dont wanna let her loverboy go
whats she got that i aint got? she asks o
i dunno
he says
but shes got the wherewithal n sweet knowledge
that makes it wonderful
i should get goin’
but miss c cant let her handsome beau go
so eventually athene
who
it has to be said
has always fancied o a bit herself
goes streakin’ up to mount olympus trip
and gets in her daddys ear
who jus’ happens to be mr cloud gatherer himself
the big Z
she goes
blah blah blah odyssseus
blah blah odysseus this n that
Z says ok enuff enuff
send the boy home then
and then Z calls out
hey hermes
tell that fuckin calypso to let that the guy go, ok
hermes straps on his flying sandals n hat
he bookin’ it flatchat to that tropical isle
he says game over lady c
that druid now homewood bound
after a few more cockups
o finally gets home
he chucks on a disguise
see how things are on the home front
he catches the hoods n blackguards n dawgs
hangin round his wife
sexually harassin’ her n the maids
eatin’ his muesli n drinkin his soy milk
o loses it
he goes bananas
n him n the boy endup wasting the lot of em
cuttin em up into little bits
ooh revenge is sweet but it sure is messy too
thats about it
o has a shower
we hope hes been careful when he was with circe or calypso
he makes sweet love to his wifey
his sonny boy is v happy
peace n prosperity return to ithaca
its been a hell of a twenty years
fade in soft greek bouzoukis
bring up lights
goodnight ancient grease

44 Responses to “the odder sea *”

  1. avatar
    n/n | 9 September 2006 at 2:11 am #

    Helen… Back?

    I often that way after a hard week.

    Thank you for the bedtime story, SK!

  2. avatar
    sleepy n/n | 9 September 2006 at 2:14 am #

    FEEL! I *FEEL* THAT WAY!

    (perhaps even a little helen back now, eh? naptime, STAT!)

  3. avatar
    sue cee | 9 September 2006 at 2:27 am #

    The fruit of the lotus induced stupor and forgetfulness of home they say – you may need some for the next tour ๐Ÿ™‚ Explains a lot about how Odysseus took so long to get back! Great condensed version SK – damn, i read that big book for nothing LOL but bring on more.

    My version: he went, he came back, he saw, he conquered… I like yours better.

    To the negative druid yesterday, chillout, its a blog, streams of thought, thinking out aloud. “he’s not the messiah, he’s just a very naughty boy” .

    Sorry Lord, carry on :))))

  4. avatar
    Letango | 9 September 2006 at 2:55 am #

    ROFL.

    This is the best blog I’ve read to date anywhere!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I once participated in a live 16 hour reading of the Iliad and read Helen like a blonde flake. (she is, is she not? Anyone care to disagree?)

    If Meneleaus was Roman (though not even possible since Aeneas, Remus & Romulus haven’t created the Roma scene yet), he would have given that tramp the backhand. Not that I condone it, just a very likely reaction from those hot-headed Romanos who believed in corporeal punishment.

    Penelope, now there’s a woman for ya! As wise and cunning as Ody himself.

    I will make an offering of
    sweet honey to the Gods
    as thanks for this one, SK.

    I would like to share it with
    a classical studies list-serv I participate in. Oh, they’re very
    crazy and bohemian — not straight — and would love this!

    Anyhoo…
    Brilliant. Just brilliant. Busted my gut. Bring it on! Encore! How about the Aeneid next?

  5. avatar
    Cameras 4 Eyes | 9 September 2006 at 3:05 am #

    sing it, Homer

  6. avatar
    Lead Betty | 9 September 2006 at 3:36 am #

    Thanks for the ode; mighty fine story-telling – though I see the hero as a bit taller and with a southern (US) accent ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Betty

  7. avatar
    stealthblue | 9 September 2006 at 3:46 am #

    OHHHH…So THAT’S how it went down. Bingo! Got it now. Thanks Kilbo. Now, take a bow, my clever friend. That was cool..yet again. ๐Ÿ™‚ ‘Twas an excellent bed-time read.
    Good night…I’m knackered.
    Ben V.

  8. avatar
    sue cee | 9 September 2006 at 3:58 am #

    “Penelope, now there’s a woman for ya! As wise and cunning as Ody himself.”

    yeah, well she was a mortal ๐Ÿ™‚

    Hey Steve, the writers of Desperate Housewives might’ve read Homer.. gotta admit, that is one funny tongue in cheek show. Honest!

  9. avatar
    JJ | 9 September 2006 at 4:32 am #

    Where’s that iPod? Time to cue up Ionian Blues again, drift off to sleep, float and bob in the wine dark sea…maybe after a little nip of Lotus first.

    Enjoyable read for a full-moon night here. Bright out there; long shadows through tall trees.

    JJ

  10. avatar
    veleska1970 | 9 September 2006 at 4:36 am #

    ~~everyone gather ’round the fireside for the kilbey storybook hour~~

    ooohhh….goody!!! a bedtime story!! **rubbing my palms together** i love bedtime stories.

    thanks, steve. this is effin brilliant. you’ve covered all the bases–you’ve provided some drama, some comedy~~hell, you’ve even provided the erotica that some of us have been beggin for.

    nicely done. we want more!!!!!!!!!

  11. avatar
    craig | 9 September 2006 at 4:40 am #

    that all sounds like a “groovy little happening”….sorry about that*…but “block” is just such a fucking brilliantly fantastic song! i can’t seem to get it outta my head lately

  12. avatar
    Anonymous | 9 September 2006 at 4:54 am #

    Ouch- negative readings.

    Is this not your longest blog yet?

    Please switch course.

    Normally I can read your prose all day and night. Yet, it needs to be yours. Not an interpretation.

    I don’t listen to your Simon and Garfunkme covers.

    Why read your version of ancient National Enquirer?

    -Not so Anom.

  13. avatar
    Anonymous | 9 September 2006 at 4:57 am #

    more acurately- not an obvious interpretation or cover.

    Not so Anom.

  14. avatar
    Queen Hatshepsut | 9 September 2006 at 5:19 am #

    Good God man. You really ought to be teaching somewhere. Students would surely enjoy your version of events!!!
    denise
    xoo

  15. avatar
    mattdavison | 9 September 2006 at 6:03 am #

    I worked at a wanky Lebbonese bar in South Yarra called Lotus, and Well” never quite understood why the bluddy logo (sign) thing in the stair well (picture a gold embost lotus’ee, type chevron) keep looking like it wanted to eat me……..
    You are a bloody clasic Killa! you make history seem that so much more believable.Matto

  16. avatar
    Anonymous | 9 September 2006 at 6:06 am #

    bugga!!! still can’t find a bit a crumpet.
    great blog thou steve. your discription reminded me of brad pitt..or was that you??

    pierre

  17. avatar
    Fandorin | 9 September 2006 at 6:14 am #

    thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you. do you think these lyres were made by the Great Rickenbackeros?

    Now what to go for? Gita? Metamorphosis?

  18. avatar
    Anonymous | 9 September 2006 at 7:00 am #

    Hmm…

  19. avatar
    Anonymous | 9 September 2006 at 7:42 am #

    Mmmmm…

    ๐Ÿ™‚

  20. avatar
    lilya | 9 September 2006 at 7:46 am #

    You put a lot of work into that sk – thanks for making me smile out loud!

    Yeah Craig, Block is an amazing song… what a vision they could make out of it!

  21. avatar
    eek | 9 September 2006 at 7:59 am #

    That was soooooo much fun! I really enjoyed it. Thank you!

  22. avatar
    damien | 9 September 2006 at 10:16 am #

    Homer say, “D’oh!”

  23. avatar
    Anonymous | 9 September 2006 at 10:37 am #

    That was great sk, i knew you were a greek god in disguise….”you’ve got the power, that’s why I like you”…that’s for sure!
    love
    Amanda

  24. avatar
    daniel 26, 27 | 9 September 2006 at 11:13 am #

    I wish you would paint this story. Might take a few years (and quite a lot of pain(t)), but we’re patient. We always are…

  25. avatar
    Tony Pucci | 9 September 2006 at 11:31 am #

    absolutely fantastic, sk!
    parts of this had me grinning
    from ear to ear
    you were “on” tonight, amigo

  26. avatar
    restaurant mark | 9 September 2006 at 1:56 pm #

    i am amused…that was brilliant!
    don’t know what else to say…just fun stuff.

  27. avatar
    Anonymous | 9 September 2006 at 2:08 pm #

    Heh Nevets

    Can I just ask and I expect an honest answer.. Hows it going with the druid in Auckland re U playin here??? I trust he’s put sumin realistic in front of U that’s defininately inviting??

    Paul Lightfoot
    Auckland NZ

  28. avatar
    Anonymous | 9 September 2006 at 2:16 pm #

    Him aside, I can DEFINATELY promise you some free quality recording time at Rikki Morris’s VERY reputable studio in Devonport, Auckland – “The Bus” that has been frequented and loved by the likes of The Checks, Pluto, and UK’s Finn Andrews (son of Barry Andrews from XTC & Shriekback fame) I’ve offered this recording studio to MWP to do solo work FOC, but if you guys visit Auckland, it’s yours for the asking..

    SERIOUS!!!!!!

    Paul L

    Auckland

  29. avatar
    lizardlizard81 | 9 September 2006 at 2:20 pm #

    If I had *that* to read in high school, it would have been easier to stay awake.

    ๐Ÿ™‚

  30. avatar
    Anonymous | 9 September 2006 at 2:27 pm #

    the brilliant ionian blues. great song, amazing history lesson (don’t believe in real thing, anyway- changes everytime someone goes diggin’), brilliant modern take olde bean.

    richard

  31. avatar
    Fly | 9 September 2006 at 4:28 pm #

    Speaking of “odder sea”, that sparks a thought: Eight hours from home and sittinโ€™ in my ride waitinโ€™ for time to pass at the Music Mill (Indy), I saw you guys arrive in the van.

    Did you guys make Dicko do all the driving? I mean like did he load and unload the equipment from the van too?

    And what about you Aussie and Englishmen crossing the continent on the wrong side of the road / wrong side of the vehicle. Wasnโ€™t that tough? Iโ€™d hate to attempt crossing Australia on the left side of the road and on the right side of the car thing. Specially in the cities.

    By the way, I suspect the best HOB is the one in Las Vegas. Itโ€™s fab in the Mandalay Bay Casino.

    http:/www.hob.com/venues/clubvenues/lasvegas/

    WOET

  32. avatar
    Anonymous | 9 September 2006 at 5:13 pm #

    Fabulous. Excellent reading. Anytime you want to translate the classics for today’s “modern” readers, feel free.

    MCD

  33. avatar
    ambnt1 | 9 September 2006 at 5:28 pm #

    I prefer “get stoned and PAINT.”

  34. avatar
    Charlie | 9 September 2006 at 8:00 pm #

    Esss K and gang:

    I saw a little micro movie you may have already seen that really moved me.

    http://www.miniature-earth.com/

    Chuck
    St. Paul, MN

  35. avatar
    Anonymous | 9 September 2006 at 11:39 pm #

    loved the bloggy
    can’t wait to hear next instalment

  36. avatar
    leelinau | 10 September 2006 at 12:23 am #

    What I wouldn’t give to hear you tell that story…
    xo
    Adina ๐Ÿ™‚

  37. avatar
    sue cee | 10 September 2006 at 1:00 am #

    ambnt1 said…
    “I prefer “get stoned and PAINT.””

    I also like ‘Paint it Black by the stones’ ๐Ÿ™‚

  38. avatar
    (('{~_~}')) | 10 September 2006 at 1:44 am #

    Now that was humourous!

  39. avatar
    Anonymous | 10 September 2006 at 1:45 am #

    Chuck, St. Paul-

    I just checked out http://www.miniature-earth.com/

    That was eye opening. Thanks for sharing.

    Jen, Detroit

  40. avatar
    DJK082067 | 10 September 2006 at 5:26 am #

    SK,
    LOVE THE TALE OF YORE, FILLED W/ SO MANY TRUTHS-(MAYBE)-AND INUENDOS. KEEP TAPING AWAY ON THAT LITTLE KEYBOARD AND MANY OF US WILL STAY,READ, AND FOLLOW(SCREW THOSE BLOG#S AND STATS. BRILLIANT!!! I WOULD TRAVEL THE EDGES OF THIS EARTH; THRU ALL OF TIME… THRU ENEMIES AND NO TRAPS COULD HOLD OR STOP ME TO KEEP ME FROM MY BELOVED(LAURA…SWEETIE) AND NO MAN SHOULD GIVE UP THE FIGHT FOT THE 1 THAT IS MEANT !!!!! NO MATTER WHAT, FOEVER !!!
    PEACE OUT,
    DJK082067

  41. avatar
    Anonymous | 11 September 2006 at 12:39 am #

    I’m “anonymice”???

    shudder at the thought!

  42. avatar
    CSTCoach | 11 September 2006 at 2:05 pm #

    LOL, that was great! I really fucking enjoyed it. Love the oddysey too, world’s greatest travel book. And while I’m on the topic, Ionian Blues is one of my fav recent choich songs. lyrics are great, and the music captures that slow aching nostaligia of homesickness so well. i always listen to it when i’m on the road.

    ryan

  43. avatar
    Brad | 13 September 2006 at 11:30 pm #

    Waiter!! I’ll have what he’s smoking!

    ciao

  44. avatar
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