posted on March 19, 2007 at 8:46 pm

how could it contain so many?
how could it hold so much?
i dont know who i am
i dont know where im going
i wish i could shake this tight knot of anxiety
i wish these shadows could be dispelled
so lost so lost so lost
broken and changed
now look at me
hurling myself over n over against the world
stupid world i want you if you want me
i still do even if you dont
only yesterday i was a boy
a cruel little boy maybe
i fall for the same olde tricks
repeating and looping
who is is haunting me?
whos filling my mind with these words?
who whispers those terrible things?
a cloak of vulnerability
magic shoes that wont move
things have warped in the sun
the holes in my arm have congealed
that lying mirror
that false reflection
skin falls away
time undulates
the stars remained fixed
the light here burns my eyes
night is within me
i carry the night as my shell
if day comes i’ll crawl back into night
i hate them both
the shadows and the fire
the darkness and the blazing light
im just arguing with myself
people, throw me money cos im mad
lying under this blanket of material
my spirit my soul
regarding things
like a bird in a cage
wanting his freedom
but knowing it will kill him
fly fly fly
this all must be a joke
i see things
i say things
i communicate my desire
a sexualized world of shapes and form
planes and angles
soft tumescences
a womans voices
all around in this night
leave me alone!
steven steven steven
leave me alone!
but i rise and i rise and i rise
no no
i hold on to anything now
but up i go
firing firing firing
blasting into the darkness
curves and dales
the same old same old
my punishment and my reward
my obsessive selves
burning my hands
slave to this geometric sleight of hand
who or what keeps trying to come
im drowning in pleasure
but its driving me insane
to go round and round
again
when even my insatiable slave is finished
and gone
when all the different voices are quiet
and the cooing and sighing and moaning is over
when a mockery of sleep falls over me
under a fabric of sweat
when the windows slide open of themselves
and the birds in trees outside leave
and when the music in my ears fades down
and the mercury sinks down in its tube
when fish leave the sea and struggle for the land
and my stomach is so empty
and my mind so full
just in time
just in time
and i know i was right
and that it wont belong
now

45 Responses to “the shake”

  1. avatar
    John Garratt | 19 March 2007 at 8:55 pm #

    Maybe some breakfast will set you right.

    John

  2. avatar
    CAPTAIN BEYOND | 19 March 2007 at 9:07 pm #

    you talkin’ bout “going thru withdrawals”???
    mjnjr

  3. avatar
    davem | 19 March 2007 at 9:12 pm #

    You’ve been to Brighton before then esskay?

  4. avatar
    mattdavison | 19 March 2007 at 9:31 pm #

    jeep’ers….

    I had a near panic attack L/N before the clouds of sleep rolled in. Something to do with anxious thoughts about mortality… Dunno buddy but I think sometimes you can trap yourself in thought.. No good…Just cool your systems down killa..try a siesta you need to relax those biological rhythms..

    You are too stimulated… Alpha rhythms getting outta wack.

    Try a day or two without the green..
    Give that ticking mind a rest for while.

    Those are my thoughts..
    lV
    mattd

  5. avatar
    knot | 19 March 2007 at 9:40 pm #

    for these red lips
    with all their mournful pride
    mournful that no new wonder may betide

    sing a love song
    til stars grow out of the air

    or perhaps

  6. avatar
    Daniel12 | 19 March 2007 at 9:41 pm #

    I hate to say it but I kinda think Matts got a point.

  7. avatar
    fantasticandy | 19 March 2007 at 9:45 pm #

    hey killer,
    why are you beating yourself up of
    late?
    cool guy,
    cool fambly,
    adored by hordes.
    so what’s up?
    a concerned friend,
    named
    andy.

  8. avatar
    Anonymous | 19 March 2007 at 10:10 pm #

    How are the neighbours going then?

    Dutch Pierre

  9. avatar
    Samosanx | 19 March 2007 at 10:29 pm #

    (bloody hell, don’t you just hate it when you write a great missive and the freaken thing disappears – grr)

    but it went something like;

    how about “insatiable slave” records?

    brilliant, this missive would have me mute for hours if it wasn’t such a pleasure to be sitting here reading with my pot of tea and under the whirring fan..

    holes in my arms have congealed… mercury sinks…a bird that “regards” it’s freedom…(and, worst)…magic shoes that won’t move…

    what despair; brilliant. another killa, killer

    have a great day and hmm…where’s that red balloon..

    lx smnx

  10. avatar
    Anonymous | 19 March 2007 at 10:35 pm #

    Hot and bothered about what’s going on upstairs, I guess Dutch.

  11. avatar
    veleska1970 | 19 March 2007 at 10:44 pm #

    it’s hard to deal with a mind that won’t rest. i can relate.

  12. avatar
    Anonymous | 19 March 2007 at 10:44 pm #

    if you want to expand on your idea of making money from the blog why not have an extreme makeover blog edition? You could auction off changes…like ‘if you give me $10 I’ll shave my beard’ or ‘if you give me $20 I’ll smile in a picture’.

  13. avatar
    syrinx | 19 March 2007 at 11:02 pm #

    <3

  14. avatar
    MarkM | 19 March 2007 at 11:04 pm #

    I know the feeling….my mind is full of buzzing bees.

    I’ve still been checking in but have had little time to comment. My wife just gave birth to our second child last week, a boy, whom we named Chet….busy times…take care steve.

  15. avatar
    Tim | 19 March 2007 at 11:20 pm #

    Buddists believe that when we desire that which yields satisfaction, then tanha (craving, desire, want, thirst) is not the obstacle to enlightenment but the vehicle for its realization.

    All suffering comes from desire.

    All the best SK

    Tim.

  16. avatar
    mattdavison | 20 March 2007 at 12:17 am #

    Great Stuff markm.. Just waiting for paint to dry on new painting 4 exhibition. Can’t seem to keep away from 2day’s bloggy. Want to here some gd advice for our muse.

    Caus we care right.

    Rk. Take em out for a dinner and jagger, just you and him. Dutch P can pick you both up and drop you off.

    m

  17. avatar
    Daberhasher | 20 March 2007 at 12:19 am #

    i know this looks wordy, but it’s not me… it’s Neil Young… thanks to florian trout for posting this on the Womb… seems like a good fit…

    What I’ve Learned: Neil Young

    Legend, 60, Woodside, California

    A best moment in music? Sometimes when I’m playing my guitar, I get to a point where it gets very cold and icy inside me. It’s very refreshing. Every breath is like you’re at the North Pole. Your head starts to freeze. Your inhalations are big-more air than you ever thought there is starts pouring in. There’s something magical about it. Sometimes when it happens, you wonder if you’re gonna be okay. Can you handle it?
    Yes, there was something good that came out of having polio as a kid. Walking.
    The sound of a harmonica hits you directly. There’s no language barrier.
    The wisest person I ever met had to be my companion in the hospital. I was recovering from complications after an operation to remove an aneurism in my brain. She was about eighty-five years old and maybe five feet tall. An old black lady from South Carolina. This young nurse wasn’t really in touch with what she was doing, and the old lady would tell her how to do what she needed to do without telling her. She never talked down to her, just gave examples. I felt that this old woman must be deeply religious, but there was nothing forceful about her. I woke up one morning at a quarter to six and looked out the window. Fog was on the bridge outside the room, and I said, “Well, that’s just beautiful.” And she said: “Yes, it is.” She turned toward me with this eighty-five-year-old face that didn’t have a line on it, no strain, nothing, and she said: “So the master’s not taking you. It’s not your turn.”
    Courage is a mindless thing. People say, “Wow! How could you do that?” And you say, “How could I not do that?”
    It’s like having two eyes. You either look through one eye or you look through the other. Or you look through both of them. Sex is sex. Love is love. Love and sex is clear vision.
    There’s something peaceful about boxing. If you beat the hell out of a bag or go against a competitor, you and your reflexes will be so at one that you won’t have time to think about anything else. You have to be totally yourself to box.
    When I was six, I really didn’t know what God was. But I did know about Sunday school. I was reading a lot about God, but I was bored. I couldn’t wait to get out of Sunday school. God was secondary to the whole thing. But as time went by, I got more and more angry, to the point where I didn’t like religion. Hate is a strong word. But I just kept getting angrier and angrier . . . until finally I wasn’t angry anymore. I was just peaceful, because I thought: This is not fruitful for me. I rejected the whole thing and found peace in paganism. Jesus didn’t go to church. I went way back before Jesus. Back to the forest, to the wheat fields, to the river, to the ocean. I go where the wind is. That’s my church.
    Epilepsy taught me that we’re not in control of ourselves.
    Most people think it’s the other way around: that time is going faster and we’re doing less. But really time seems to be going faster because we’re cramming so much into it.
    Our education system basically strives for normal — which is too bad.
    Sometimes the exceptional is classified as abnormal and pushed aside.
    One thing that has come out of having children with cerebral palsy is strength. At first it made me very angry. I was almost looking for a fight. I was always looking for someone to criticize my son in my presence. I would envision different scenarios in which I would become violent reacting to people’s reactions to my children — especially to my severely handicapped child. Eventually, he taught me that was not necessary. Just by being himself.
    By being a gift to us. He showed us how to have faith and belief and inner strength and to never give up. I look around and see people hurting themselves for no reason. Drinking too much. Taking drugs. Beating themselves up in some psychological way. That really bothers me, knowing that these people got everything they needed to succeed. All they have to do is believe in themselves and in the gifts they’re wasting. And yet there are all these other people on the planet who have none of the gifts that are apparent. The gifts are all locked up inside, yet their spirits are so strong that they just keep on going. And I think: This person who has this spirit, why can’t he have some of the outward gifts?
    Maybe this is a little too thoughtful, but we’re all just passengers in a way.
    The best is approaching. I have everything — well, not everything, but a lot of things that I’ve accumulated through my life experiences. It’s easier to communicate through music than it ever has been before. It’s easier to play.
    It’s easier to sing. It’s easier to write. Nothing is forced.
    When my doctor discovered the aneurism in my brain, he said I’d had it for about a hundred years. He told me I’d had it for such a long time that I shouldn’t worry about it … but that we’d have to get rid of it immediately.
    Yeah, that’s Zen medicine. He’s very wise. I trusted him completely. All the people who took care of me were absolutely the best at what they do — even though there was a complication, a complication that has a one-in-twenty-seven-hundred chance of happening in my type of operation. They go into your brain through an artery in your thigh. Later, when I was out of the hospital, my leg exploded. I was out on the street and it just popped. My shoe was full of blood. I was in some serious trouble. I was about fifty yards from the hotel and I just made it. The ambulance came about ten minutes later.
    I don’t know if I need to go into this. I don’t know if the event is important. But the result was. That’s what led me to that lady. The wisest person I’ve ever met.

    all killer and no filler, eh…

    with love,
    ee

  18. avatar
    MarkM | 20 March 2007 at 12:27 am #

    Thanks Matt…
    and thanks for the beautiful post Daberhasher…I recently finished reading the Neil Young bio Shakey which gave me a whole new respect for the guy.

  19. avatar
    Anonymous | 20 March 2007 at 1:20 am #

    hey sk we love you here in the south

  20. avatar
    nic | 20 March 2007 at 1:31 am #

    I think this a thread that emerges every now and then with you SK – that despite all the greatness in your wonderful world of music, art and a beautiful family – you seem to have this nagging/underlying anxiety of growing old….

    I know I may be younger than you – but I CAN relate to your anxiety – I feel like that all the time…
    at work I am one of the oldest – most are in there VERY early 20’s. One cheeky guy had been curious of my age for a while – and checked up on the computer – came to me and said “you’re 36! – born in 1971!” (36 in december actually) – my immediate thought was – that sounds SOO old (and would SEEM old to this guy of 22).
    The point is – as I have said previously – is that I FEEL younger, and perhaps look younger than 35 (??) BUT – there is no running away from my age – I AM 35 – and frankly – I find that depressing….
    I STILL think about that burning question of youth – “what do you want to be when you grow up”…(a) I STILL haven’t found my niche and (b) I often don’t feel ‘grown up’.
    Apart from producing three beautiful boys – I don’t think I’ve accomplished anything remarkable…and that, too, is depressing.
    SK – you – on the other hand – have an amazing creative force – in music, art and the written word – you HAVE made a difference in this world and continue to do so…
    nic
    xxxxxx

  21. avatar
    Anonymous | 20 March 2007 at 1:48 am #

    Anxiety – I always find when I most need to meditate is when I am least able to.

    By the way, how are the “ratings” determined in blog-world. Is it based on number of comments or number of hits or total length of time viewed or….?

    Thank you.
    MK in Canada

  22. avatar
    ...being here, doing this... | 20 March 2007 at 1:51 am #

    a few of the pics you posted have been blocked by the local library!

    it seems that even “killer havin a smoke” is a bit too risque for some folk!…

    “Access to Site Denied
    The URL you have requested (http://bp0.blogger.com/_L-PXyNaX0pM/RfyzgOni0RI/AAAAAAAAAAc/fQb0hsW7R2M/s1600-h/killa+smokin.jpg) is categorised as adult/sexually explicit and has been blocked as it breaches Councils Internet Usage Policy.
    If you would believe that this Site should not be blocked please contact Councils I.T. Help Desk”

  23. avatar
    captainmission | 20 March 2007 at 2:15 am #

    hey druid, i like the pics, yeah explore reality through the camera, freeze time, play with it, i often use those little disposible cameras and wander around shooting things (girls)ha, no i am joking, mostly clouds, some waves, some of my best work comes from cheap throw away cameras, i tend not to think to much, just point and shoot, here there and everywhere, random micro moments, images, nocturnal me, stealing souls, well borrowing them really, in the name of art, the act of creation with a camera is modern alchemy.

  24. avatar
    Anonymous | 20 March 2007 at 2:17 am #

    Suggestion: Try “movie or video therapy”. i.e. Watch a movie that totally engrosses you in its plot which enables you to forget yourself. Preferably something inspiring, uplifting, pure escapism, or emotionally cathartic (nothing depressing). This can help to rebalance your mood and brain chemistry…you might even feel good enough to exercise or go for a nature walk later. Also, I find garden nurseries are a therapeutic place to visit and chillout in when I need to escape life’s daily grind. You can buy some herbs and start your own small herb or vegetable garden. Basically, you need to change the scenary to kick-start a better mood…

    IMHO, we all need to find ways to honour the gift and beauty of an ordinary day. Focus on the present moment. However humble the activity, do it with a sense of meaningfulness. Unfortunately, the culture tells us we need an admiring audience to make us feel important or validated. I guess public figures might feel this more acutely. But there needs to be one-on-one time between you and the universe. Anyway, I’d like finish this post by paraphrasing a quote I read from a presentation viewed on the following link. ” A rich person is not the person that has the most, but the one that needs the least.” I think that’s a great paradigm to meditate on…

    http://www.theinterviewwithgod.com

    A Anon.

  25. avatar
    CSTCoach | 20 March 2007 at 3:10 am #

    hey daberhasher,

    thanks for the neil young thing, that was really cool.

    I can really relate to this bit: “There’s something peaceful about boxing. If you beat the hell out of a bag or go against a competitor, you and your reflexes will be so at one that you won’t have time to think about anything else. You have to be totally yourself to box.”

    i’ve experienced that many times, when you’re really on, when you tap into your flow so completely. learning how to tap into it through martial arts taught me to tap into it, or to get out of my own way, in everything else…

    its the same with yoga, or writing, and i imagine music…

    its what we’re meant to do. everyone can – those who can’t just aren’t able to get out of their own way yet. to let go.

    ryan

  26. avatar
    CSTCoach | 20 March 2007 at 3:14 am #

    “i fall for the same olde tricks
    repeating and looping”

    we all do, druid. you aren’t alone in that.

    you express it so well. the message hits home. as does your message about time.

    time always wins in the end. i think the only victory that we can hope for is to truly live. to leave something lasting behind, to show that we were here. of course time wins anyway, the deck is stacked, but we can still try. we must, IMO.

    ryan

  27. avatar
    malcolm arkey | 20 March 2007 at 3:45 am #

    Funny thing about ‘homo sapiens’.

    When all the obvious things are alright or good (family, work, other pursuits) we tend to become paranoid…paranoid of what ??

    Of imaginary enemies, phantom fears, vaguely possible scenarios, things off in the future, the unknown, darknesses within ourselves…etc.

    Why do we invent these things to cast a nervous shadow over our brief times of happiness ?
    Is this not something peculiar to our species ?
    Why can’t we just enjoy moments of peace and happiness ??

    Big questions once again lurk behind Senor Kilbey’s words…
    —-
    Oh, and by the way…John Garrat, you sound JUST like my mother !

  28. avatar
    kat | 20 March 2007 at 4:13 am #

    i feel your affliction, sk. sad but beautiful ;!/

  29. avatar
    Anonymous | 20 March 2007 at 4:51 am #

    This feels like the tail end of a dream
    just at the point youre pacing to make sense of the chaos,
    the spirit is sweating and mumbling to itself,

    When the alarm says “Hey you”
    I know what to do
    my arm automatically
    grabs up my shoe

    when the dream is obscene
    You know what i mean
    I take a deep breathe
    to remember the inbetween

    its alright I say
    I land the somersault
    the sun is on my feet
    I guess its yours
    “for me” it says, as if surprised
    its always
    remainfully yours

    jaime r…

  30. avatar
    Leelinau | 20 March 2007 at 4:59 am #

    just slip through

  31. avatar
    nv | 20 March 2007 at 5:00 am #

    walking wounded
    hands tremble
    stopped drinking coffee

    sacred geometry
    a grrrl (read purrr not growl)
    and a guy sit on the steps
    of a great university
    grrrl turns to guy:
    “who gets stung most when girl with bee in cheek and tongue in bonnet tries to kiss guy with guilded tongue and ace of hearts up his sleeve?”

    ~

  32. avatar
    CAPTAIN BEYOND | 20 March 2007 at 6:15 am #

    quick question, me and me lady were wondering what kind of bird that is on the front cover of “the blurred crusade” album, me lady thinks it is a crimson finch, me thinks it is a minor bird, haha…
    Hollywood

  33. avatar
    lily | 20 March 2007 at 9:37 am #

    I’ve been away from ye olde blogge for a while, and I had to go back and catch up on my SK reading. Lovely pics of you and your family! What a gorgeous lot you all are. Hope you have a wonderful day.

    lily

  34. avatar
    persephone2u | 20 March 2007 at 9:47 am #

    Didn’t mention it yet, but love your God’s Busy t-shirt in the photos further down the blog along with the pout– gorgeous daughters too. Keep putting up the visuals, I like.

  35. avatar
    Symon | 20 March 2007 at 9:56 am #

    Woah Steve….your Shadow is sure rattling the cage today…go to him…speak with him…find out what’s goin’ on with him. Make things right with him…work together…you need each other. He holds the balance of power and you need to be at peace with him.

    Symon

  36. avatar
    isolde | 20 March 2007 at 10:49 am #

    the tormented driven ecstatic creative act

  37. avatar
    public savant | 20 March 2007 at 11:07 am #

    el mo siguente surprises me more and more
    every day
    complex, multi-layered
    flicking on my i-pod
    is like opening a dense but mesmerising work of literature
    and wading in
    incredible
    bordello
    a “track” is way too feeble a label
    a song? insufficient
    and i’m still gutted
    when you channel GW
    during the lines:
    “i saw the way you were looking at the man
    passing by”
    that raw track from Fireboy
    Pawnbroker?
    i shiver when i hear it
    thanks man

  38. avatar
    don joe | 20 March 2007 at 12:06 pm #

    Interesting statement wanting freedom but knowing it will kill one. Why so? The only thing that comes to mind is emancipation through death. But you are free to do what then? Guess that’s the double edged sword we all face in this evolution of earth. One tries to be pure but how can one, if one strays from the path of purity. How does one know if they are even on it to start with? As Marty sang: Questions Without Answers. Then you say as well: Now I go down to worship some god, who never speaks to me, I wonder if that’s odd. Then he says your, never listening…the next line rips too…The two sides I see on this planet that people strive for: Spiritual or materialistic. Majority of commenters here I believe are spirtual. To me it has to be. I can’t fathom the idea of believeing that this is ALL there is. I’d rather die if it was the case.
    To see the photo’s you have posted is intersting from an observational viewpoint. For so long there has been much ambiguity, haze etc to cover the trail. Now it’s like a liberation with self to remove those shrouds and bear more than before which releases the witholds that could keep one withdrawn. There has been so much sharing in the past via the music etc that to see what’s behind it is quite breathtaking and centering in the creation of a stronger reality from yourself to us. I adore this in one, especially in such a wide open medium as this. Don’t fear, the truth exists before falsities can prevail. Deal in this. One then won’t have to run and fear what’s next. Just BE….

    ML
    don joe

  39. avatar
    Lx | 20 March 2007 at 1:29 pm #

    winter is coming (for you)

  40. avatar
    Andromeda7 | 20 March 2007 at 2:47 pm #

    extraordinary, my pulse beats so fast reading your words today

    thank you

    *
    * *
    *

  41. avatar
    Jen Jewel Brown | 20 March 2007 at 3:15 pm #

    strange tangle of fears and desires in knotted sheets
    although autumn is here

    loved it

  42. avatar
    Anonymous | 20 March 2007 at 3:24 pm #

    its the equinox

  43. avatar
    craig1.618 | 20 March 2007 at 3:44 pm #

    i make wishes
    birthday candles
    shooting stars
    and so forth

    they come true
    i am grateful

    it seems my reality scripts itself off what i focus my energy on……….easy enough………and when i fall i just pick myself up, dust myself off, and go on

  44. avatar
    Leelinau | 20 March 2007 at 4:21 pm #

    have a conversation with a caterpillar…

    http://www.duirwaighgallery.com/inspiration_aknock.htm

  45. avatar
    Trickster | 20 March 2007 at 6:25 pm #

    pour it out and swerve
    fall out and levitate
    destination: hell: sublime heaven: death valley: ghost house: incestuous queen: daemon of cursed forgetfulness


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