posted on March 1, 2008 at 10:21 pm

about 10 minutes after drinking the aya
i began to feel light
i began to vibrate
things started to flow
i got a tiny tiny glimpse of the magic
my ego was babbling like a fool
ah you see, im not going to get sick
now heroin had made me sick
and morning rose seeds had made me sick n weep n sob
and now the lady (and she is a lady)
the lady said (but not in english)
my old friend,
if you want to raise your self up into the sky
first these ruins
these griefs must be demolished
like the dentist who must fill the decaying tooth
like the doctor who must excise the necrotic flesh
like the sculptor whose chisel must dig into marble
to find the venus de milo contained within
like the builder who bulldozes the old structures
to build the new skyscraper
you must get rid of this accumulated rubble
the parasites, the insults
oh i so willingly threw up
like a woman must have a baby
i pushed it out
i tried to let it go
but
deep deep fears
deep deep grief
i let go my surface pain
i let go my disappointments
the countless rude and ignorant things i have done
oh that is so easy
yes i am a fool
ah thats better
ha ha said the vine
oh that is the beginning
this is one treatment in an ongoing metamorphosis
i realised it was now 2 late 2 stop
the vine was in my guts
im a virgoan
everything happens in my guts
the kid that fucking biffed me when i was 12
its in my guts
all the times something happened which humiliated me
in my guts
my shame
my guilt
my incredible sadistic cruelty
my inadequacies
my failures
my conflicts
my doubts
all that steve kilbey junk
that steve kilbey garbage pit
just outside steve kilbeys lovely mind city
where they do the songs y’all like
you see they generate a lot of waste in there
the people been trying to ignore it
but they cant expand until the garbage is dealt with
the human race faces this on a macro level
this struggle to face our shadow our darkness our refuse
the wars the slaughter the damage
the obstinate cruel bloodthirsty ignorance
of bush n iraq n whaling n flanders field n the crucifixion
n the pollution.n the witchtrials n the romans n the israelites
n the crusades n the inquisition n the executions
n the tortures n experiments n burnings n destruction n slavery
n oppression
how we fucked the indian indians over
how we fucked the red indians over
how we fucked the aborigines over
how we fucked the women over
how we fucked the children over
how we fucked the old and sick over
how we fucked our friends over
how we fucked our enemies over
how we fucked the dumb animals over
WE WERE SENT HERE TO LOVE
AND WE FUCKED IT ALL OVER
and then
WE FUCKED OUR OWN PLANET OVER
AND NOW SHE MIGHT DIE
yes my friends
read it and weep
and steve kilbey
that personality reincarnated in this body
is a mini-human race
no better no worse
intent on his learned ignorance
desiring and getting blood and pain and triumph and defeat
comparing himself
imposing himself
withdrawing himself
never part of the universe
i mean
theres the universe
theres kilbey
a pimple
an addition
an accretion
a congealed mistake
an anomaly
wrong wrong wrong
ugly ugly ugly
wicked dirty little boy
shut up
go away
drop dead!
the vine says
kilbey you are a part!
not apart
you are a cog in this big machine
you have a right
you have a place
you have a reason
you are nothing
you are everything
you are love
you are loved
right now you are
a sweating vomiting hallucinating sobbing mess
BUT GODDAMN IT KILBEY YOU BELONG!
ok so kilbey gets rid of kilbeys stuff
his dad
the paintings
oh i cried for 2 minutes over my paintings
why for the money?
nope
cos i had put so much love into em
i couldnt let it go
the new church album
already had a song i’d just written the words for
and the refrain
and i cant let it go
and i gotta get up
and i gotta get off
and i gotto get in
and i gotta get out
but i cant i cant let it go
yep i wrote those words pre aya
the vine was already talking before i drank it
she had warned i would be nauseous n fearful
because nausea and fear
are my greatest fears
face them like a man
my friend matty c
undergoing chemo for a year
every day for a year
this man has chemo
he vomits n vomits n vomits
how did he do it?
how could he cope?
i guess he faces it
he accepts it
he gives it no more strength by fearing it!
fuck it all fiendss
i no longer fear nausea and fear
i dont want em
i will try to avoid em
but i aint gonna give em any substance
by revering em with fear
let it come
let it come
the lady who was hosting the night told me
how in an aya vision
she had died
she was dead cold lifeless
who wants this?
no one
this is our greatest fear and horror
alone dead lifeless
her body
began to rot
horror of horrors
the worms who are not worms
but maggots
the putrefaction our flesh contains within itself
the maggots ate her
she could feel it
this is the lowest you can go
you face this
you face this horror
this nightmare
why why why
where are the golden visions
the animal spirits
the revelations….?
not this
but
after the body was reabsorbed in the earth
ashes to ashes
dust to dust
back to the natural compounds
our bodies are cobbled together with
so we as immortal spirits may experience separation
because as spirits we must experience everything
ok
then you let go
she let go
i let go
all night
the keywords people mutter
let it go
so easy to say
but she did i guess
and oh what victory in that surrender
youve faced it
that worst thing
i had faced the crippling nausea
the fear
the freezing
but something underneath that
refusing to come out
get it out aya
i plead with her
i plead with my nausea
this horrible omnipresent tension
this shadow
this ANXIETY
out out
rip it out of me
sorry said the vine
i dont rip it out
you gotta let it out
and thats it for your session
but what is it what is it what is it?
its grief
grief from long ago
grief you never let go
you hung on to it
youve been born with it
it has accumulated round your soul
like a black pearl of doubt
and
ha ha
poor you
you must come back and see me again
soon soon soon
and the fever broke
the nausea abated
the horrors melted
it was a nice morning
i was in a mess
but i felt new and shiny
i felt light
my anger had faded away
my anxiety was a distant ache
rather than an urgent agony
my friend that i went with
had
contrary to me
drunk his medicine
they call it medicine
oh yes it is
not a kick
not a thrill
not a high
not an A class drug
but sweet sweet medicine
given by god to mankind
for those lucky enough
brave enough
stupid enough
desperate enough
do you wanna face yer demons
hell yeah
bring em on!
stuff my own mind has manufactured
stuff my soul has accumulated
anyway
my friend
had lay there all night
peacefully blissfully dreaming
while people threw up
and people played gongs and cymbals
and sang to hold onto themselves through the journey
while the host and hostess
empty the buckets of bile
my big happy friend dreamt
and in the morning
he was so blissful
he was so overcome
with the sheer random delicious love
the beautiful garden
with its vegetal message
all the trees n leaves n shrubs
vibrating with love and joy
drinking the sun and rain and moon
oblivious to humanties obscenities n struggles
gary was in communion and baby he was gone
3 or 4 grown men had to drag his limp body in
cos he was gone
out there
at one
a part
not apart
he is a real gentle man
although maybe not a gentleman jim
the vine was showing him the beauty
the permanent light
always shining above the turmoil of the temporary clouds
his own personal vision
his own place
his own take
everybody was smiling as i left
on the way home
my car overheated continually
an atm swallowed my fucking bankcard
and shut down
but i did not panic or despair
i wasnt happy either
as my car reached boiling point in the tunnel
i risked my life more in that journey
than i ever have with drugs, mr lehbrino
these drugs dont harm us
these drugs are not drugs
they are ancient ancient ancient
beyond your just say no
beyond the 1950s and prohibition
beyond nancy fucking reagan
beyond tim learys persecution
beyond morals
beyond america
beyond babylon
before even lemuria n atlantis
where me and you lived
at the beginning of it all
there was this loving mother
the vine is her language
i must talk with her again
it is going to get worse before it gets better
there a whole lotta hurt
before i get to the bliss
im gonna get me some of that bliss
the pain is temporary
the reward is eternal

s j kilbey
n bondi autumn 2008

31 Responses to “vegetalista! pt 2”

  1. avatar
    Brien Comerford | 2 March 2008 at 12:46 am #

    What a journey. What courage evinced by SK. I have too many demons to purge. I guess I like my demons. I don’t have SK’s valor and fortitude.

    An elucidating blog by SK. Incredibly existential and spiritual in a swirling concurrent manner.

    Give me my booze I accept myself as human refuse.

  2. avatar
    MEM | 2 March 2008 at 12:54 am #

    the shamonic journey you undertake – its purpose – will change all of us. i’m sure of this.
    something will arrive to add to your perspective…

  3. avatar
    lily was here | 2 March 2008 at 1:26 am #

    This reminded me of the tale of Gunga Din, giving drink to poor damned souls but ..in a twist, in the end they both meet in heaven not in hell, both of better men than we. I’d be too frightened myself. Did you journey with the Captain? If so, I can well imagine him being at one, the lovely gentle man.

    x

  4. avatar
    Hellbound Heart | 2 March 2008 at 2:03 am #

    …sounds like you’ve got some hard travelling on the way if you take this route, steve…be careful, hon…
    love always…

  5. avatar
    steve kilbey | 2 March 2008 at 3:58 am #

    the magicians own website
    conone.org
    jesus this guy can write!!!

  6. avatar
    ...being here, doing this... | 2 March 2008 at 4:34 am #

    “The true work of human beings is in co-ordinating and co-creating with the earth, each other and the many forms of intelligence which are present to us on many different levels. The ways we have to fulfil such work are present within us. Nothing is necessitated to allow such an undertaking apart from the release of apparent false work and false relationship. False work and false relationship consist of forms of life which are not inherently creative, generative and do not bring full satisfaction to the whole human organism”

    – Julian Palmer : The Way Itself

  7. avatar
    Riki Tiki Tavi | 2 March 2008 at 4:54 am #

    Wow! SO Glad you where able to have this experience!!! Can’t wait to hear more about it!!!

    ALOHA!
    X

  8. avatar
    Anonymous | 2 March 2008 at 5:05 am #

    Thanks Steve. It IS a really good website. I’ll peruse it when i have enough time.

  9. avatar
    syrinx | 2 March 2008 at 5:40 am #

    Deep exhalation from computer chair in the heart of nowhere..

    Fascinating.

    ~*~

  10. avatar
    princey | 2 March 2008 at 5:48 am #

    I hope you got something positive out of the experience sk, it sounds like you had an AMAZING time.
    Take care and lots of love,
    Amanda

  11. avatar
    captain mission | 2 March 2008 at 6:13 am #

    A Banishing Song

    Time to say goodbye to
    This negative energy
    The fear of failure
    The fear to loose
    The fear inside
    The fear of truth.
    Gotta purge my shadow
    Clean my soul
    It time for healing
    I’m a damaged soul
    Time to cry
    Time to say goodbye
    Time to laugh
    Up at the sky.
    Don’t wanna keep my attachments
    Have to bury the hate
    Been down this road so many (life) times
    I have to escape
    So help me learn to trust
    Help me learn to be free
    I’m blinded by awe
    And it’s naked beauty
    Bring on the splender
    Bring on the light
    Bring on the trumpets baby
    And hold me tight
    I’m scared and I’m nothing but everything is me
    Dancing in chaos
    Like a fractalized jewel
    Im nothing if only but
    A reflection of you

    Call down the angels
    Invoke the gods
    I’m a dead man
    But I never felt so born
    Gotta liberate the mind from itself
    Till maya dissolve
    Come do the great work brother
    Your so loved by us all
    Medicine woman
    Sacred vine
    We’re dissolving from space
    We’re leaving time.
    Let all boundaries dissolve
    The bell and the bowl
    No longer separate
    It’s all one tone
    Earth weaves her magick
    To which all returns,
    The blood, the body
    and all it’s bones

    banish fear
    banish the need
    banish the grief
    banish the fucking evil
    that stops us being free.
    and love.

  12. avatar
    Brien Comerford | 2 March 2008 at 7:07 am #

    Sk’s musical greatness is partially referenced below.

    Hologram Of Baal
    After Everything Now This
    Uninvited Like The Clouds
    Priest=Aura
    Forget Yourself/Beside Yourself
    Sometime Anywhere
    Dabble
    Unearthed
    Starfish

    The fact that he palpably opens up his heart and soul to us is cathartic and unifying.

  13. avatar
    Anonymous | 2 March 2008 at 7:15 am #

    face your fears, ah.

  14. avatar
    Ross B | 2 March 2008 at 7:33 am #

    Mr Kilbey, you are a real human being in the true sense of the word, and I love you for it. Rb.

  15. avatar
    melissa | 2 March 2008 at 7:34 am #

    WOW

    I was so caught up in the wonder of reading today’s blog and your experience and thoughts (which I have been pondering for at least the past hour or so) that I’ve only now just realised that you had posted Part 1 beforehand ;P

    Like some of the other folks, I’m not sure if I have the courage to go through the same process, but I do understand the reasoning and feeling behind it.

    It probably sounds strange, but I think ‘Fearless’ is probably my favourite word. It makes me think of freedom and open-heartedness. Something to aspire to. 🙂

    Wishing you well & take care

    x

  16. avatar
    linjo | 2 March 2008 at 9:23 am #

    The honesty and emotion in your words are making me sob here. I am so tired tonight. You are very brave Steve. Isnt it supposed to get a little better each time? I read that a man in Peru has had it 4000 times so it musnt be bad for you.
    Linda

  17. avatar
    Ethereal Butterfly | 2 March 2008 at 10:10 am #

    Reminds me of a similar emotional experience (without drinking the vine) I had at Swami Sarasviti’s Ashram (Kenthurst NSW) where everything from the past & present that I needed to confront in order to move on rose to the surface. Am hoping to go back there soon to learn about Kundalini yoga but in order to do so I have to be ‘prepared’- if it involves vomiting I’m staying right here – yikes!!
    Hope you’re feeling cosmically euphoric & at peace after your purge,
    Peace to you & yours, Heather

  18. avatar
    fantasticandy | 2 March 2008 at 12:15 pm #

    iv’e done so much bad stuff…
    i think it would kill me.

    thank you for sharing this experience.
    new horizons appear.
    stay close to the edge killer….
    but don’t fall off!
    all the best,
    andy L.

  19. avatar
    syrinx | 2 March 2008 at 5:58 pm #

    Yesterday. Weird. Condensing a long story, in the morning I read and reflected on Ajna. Lots of lovely memories popped into my head out of nowhere. In the evening I read parts 1 & 2 of your blog. Amazing stuff. Where are the edible plants in my backyard? Before bed, not usually a channel-flipper for movies, I nonetheless caught a glimpse of Vincent Cassel’s face and stopped immediately. What did the movie turn out to be?

    Renegade, the dark psychedelic alternative western, which I had not seen previously.

    Prefect. 🙂 Dig deep.

  20. avatar
    Anonymous | 2 March 2008 at 6:11 pm #

    congratulations Sk
    that sounded like some intense alleviation and touches of salvation.

    I just had some coincidental food poison and let me just say nausea and articles flying out of the nose are pretty rough, but the body pains and wretches, oh the violence..

    I actually took some salvia divinorum a few times and i still have some, though every one that has tried it has called it voodoo, I havent done it in coupla years, It happens in quick spells upon inhalation, it was very sensory euphoric,spatially transcendent, lots of mental grandiosity and the itching of crawling capillaries, I still regard it with a level of respect that needs purposeful use.. I just acknowledge that there comes to exist this void.. as it does become so undeniable that this place or state of realization exists within us.. yet it is almost inevitable that that level of insight needs serious guidance, there is this metamorphosis that we need to undergo, theres a need to soberly transition into this state of awareness and peace in order to take in this experience, but the soul needs cleansing as well…
    I mean anyone whos gotten their kicks knows the elements of attractions, thrills in lust, and the comedown and regretable sunlight… but sometimes we cant just leave it behind, we cant just laugh it off into forget, These experiences manifest into concrete physical energy,
    Undoubtedly, there is a different process of understanding and healing for the seeker.. there comes these confessional matters, a walk in the mofoxing dark that some souls need in order to achieve this balance into bliss…
    I need me some of it too.. oh lord I weep and wake to my whimpers for peace and gratitude.. I need that ray of light.. I need to be it too… Sometimes Im blind, sometimes all I see are shells sheathing souls..and I cant make it out anymore…sometimes I just dont wanna see, and why such desperation… oh lord I can only be a dancer listening in for beats and harmony…on and on it goes….

    On a really cool note, I was at my good friend’s veg potluck and this guy Ive never met is strummin away, he does Dylan’s if you see her say hello, some Lou Reed tune…and goes into Under the Milky way, my jaw dropped and my heart was jumping, I think I drank three of the tastiest beers in quickest succession ever, but talk about captivating and exhilarating, I was hearing people humming from different places in the room, he ends up doing an awesome extended version and goes into Happiness is a warm gun.. I guess its all in the good company, It makes sense enough to know it shouldnt… but when it does… when it does….

    SK, once again congrats.. these explorations are what its about ultimately, tell what you can, pour it out..
    If you can i’d like to know about some of the guiding mantras (no pressure, no expectations, no problem) but if you can.. jaiontime@yahoo.com

    peace and blessings

    jaime r…….

  21. avatar
    ben | 2 March 2008 at 8:37 pm #

    truth for us all, although our pride often trys to stay above it all so we fake it. we all have to come down before we can come up. this takes faith. nobody to fight but the battle within, but if you are thirsty enough, you’ll drink. in this, we are all the same.

  22. avatar
    Anonymous | 2 March 2008 at 9:00 pm #

    Far – Out Man’ !!

    C/W

  23. avatar
    Paul Lightfoot | 3 March 2008 at 1:01 am #

    Now I bet it’s The Comedown??

  24. avatar
    Richard | 3 March 2008 at 1:18 am #

    sure sounds a little more interesting than my friday night

  25. avatar
    Cee | 3 March 2008 at 2:29 am #

    ay de mi llorona

  26. avatar
    the dean | 3 March 2008 at 2:31 am #

    beats crunches

  27. avatar
    JJ | 3 March 2008 at 3:08 am #

    Ayahuasca journeys….what a travelogue you have written. Sounds elevating, though, as you mention, I hate the feeling of nausea.

    Captain Mission – enjoyed your entry. Hope you are well.

    JJ

  28. avatar
    Anonymous | 3 March 2008 at 4:17 am #

    he walked into the valley..
    all alone..
    there he talked with water,
    and then with the vine..

  29. avatar
    Anonymous | 3 March 2008 at 4:59 am #

    Bravo! pure transformmation into a visionary poet…new times …new art for the Age of Veriditas is the here and now!Bravo! to Kilbey for letting go..

  30. avatar
    Anonymous | 3 March 2008 at 8:57 pm #

    I can run 10 miles in the desert and drink just water for 3 days but ingesting a toxin to strain my intestines does not interest me, there are other ways to purge the venom.
    ^jax

  31. avatar
    SHARKA, Ukraine | 4 March 2008 at 1:12 am #

    I enjoy hearing your stories of altered states. I can relate to what you say about needing to release grief that you have held on to to be able to lighten your spirit. Vomiting can feel very liberating. I wish you well in your endevour and look forward to reading further accounts.


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