posted on April 12, 2007 at 5:33 am

yessaday my fiendss
the devil got into olde sk
now please
this aint a happy blogge
so if yer looking for some sunshine
go n read some other olde space rockers blogge
and please no stupid comments
im confiding in you
youre my confidants
no stupid obvious advice
no just chill out, ok?
first of all i have a very complex relationship with the weed
very long
very complex
i am an addict
forget what they tell ya that pot aint addictive
it is!
and i been an addict a long long time
ok it aint like smack
i mean, i aint gonna pawn my grannies silverware to get it
nonetheless
after this long
(i been smoking heavily since i was 21)
after this long
when i dont get it
i can get irrational angry dejected n inspirationless
before you jump on yer silly hi horse
n say just say no
remember
every song you ever liked that i wrote or co wrote
well pot was behind it…
i dont fucking care what ya think
everything has its downsides
and pot has its downsides
but im prepared to accept em
im nearly fifty 3
who out there can really tell me what to do?
im also an endorphin addict
i swim n i walk n i march along
im used to a cuppla hours of hard cardio vasculah stuff
every day
im restless
like my daughter evie
i gotta let off steam
and i go thru withdrawals if i dont swim
just like a guy i knew
a black belt karate guy in sweden
when he flew on a plane to australia
he had remarkably similar withdrawals
as would be experienced by a junky
sweating yawning anxiety
i mean his body was used to a ton o endorphins
every day
and if it didnt happen he felt real badde
any way
yesterday i had brekky
come up to my room
i ve bought this new i-motion speaker system
to do yoga to mostly
cos my olde one clapped out
and immediately as i get it out of its box
a voice
a literal voice starts up
in my head
“it aint gonna work!”
it says it to me over n over
as i put the bits in place
“it aint gonna work”
and then
“smash it!”
sho enuff
the fucking thing will not come on
the light will not come on
i try everything
i reassemble
move it round different sockets
it will not turn on
the voice in my head is saying
“smash that fucking thing into smithereens!”
finally exasperated
n having geed myself up
and all reason n logic out the window
i do something ive never done before
i smash the fucking thing into bits n pieces
all over the floor
i take it in my hands n i rip it apart
jump up n down on it
totally destroy the bloody thing
then i start moaning groaning
swearing n carrying on
inside myself im saying
steven hold on…!
but this anger
this rage
its like fire consuming me
n i smash it n smash it
because i miss my wife
n my kids
specially bumper
i miss my house n my icebergs pool
i miss my dope
i miss my dad
i smash it for all the bad reviews n empty seats
i smash it for jesus n buddha n lucifer
n fer adam n eve
then i go tearing out of my room
who knows where
the girl at front desk
sees me
are you alright sir
to her im just an olde angry looking foreign sod
suddenly i realise im locked out of my room
im locked outta my room
gimme another key
its those flat little keys
a bit of plastic
that you gotta stick in the wall
to make the power in the room work
yeah to make the power in the…
then it dawns on me
stupid stupid stupid stupid killer
ha ha ha ha ha
no power in the room
of course the fucking thing didnt work
it couldnt
i stagger back to my room
the thing lies accusingly on the ground
smashed to a pulp
the girl lets me into my room
she sees the mess
and walks away cluck clucking
i sink to my knees
i wanna cry but i cant
do you know how hard it is for grown men to cry
we wanna cry cry cry
but its so hard
i need the release
but it wont come
im trying to cry for a million things
all the times i hurt people
n they hurt me
everything
because i never had a good cry about grant mc
because i never had a good cry about
the chaos i caused in the badde olde days
you name it baybee
i wanna cry
i wanna cry myself a fucking river
i wanna drown in my tears
wallow in my misery
nothing else matters
fuck buda pest
fuck being in a band
fuck this n fuck that
fuck you
n
fuck me!
(sorry joycie)
i met another member of our party n i confide
dont tell anyone i say
as soon as they getta chance
they do
n everybody knows
i turn up to rehearsal
tims been in there for hours
tim plays drums
but hes our technical guy
while im swanning around
goofing off n bignoting myself
tims usually got his head in an amp
or retuning the p.a.
or sorting out our in-ear monitoring
i walk into the room
its dark with a fluoro light
its full of fucking amps n shit
n i hate it
i start complaining immediately
tim looks at me sadly
fuck i hate to let him down..
please killer
i been working on this all day
n now youve demoralised me..
the rehearsal is a shambles
we cant agree on what songs to play
n we argue n carry on
when we do play
its like ive never sung or played in my life
my muse n my ability have been roasted in my meltdown
n theyre staying away in spades
the heavy bass hangs round my neck like lead
killing my shoulders
the music is loud n discordant
every cymbal crash n guitar solos
rapes my poor screaming ears
im jet lagged n gotta head ache
me n marty go outside
he tells me bout his mum
now me n marty have had a few arguments n fights
but i love this man n i start sobbing
as we sit there in the sun on some steppes in buda
and he tells me about his mums last hours
very calmly very rationally
how can he keep it together…?
im choking back sobs
my nose is running
my tears are flowing
but im trying so hard to keep it all in
its his mother for godsake
mister, you only get one of them
i love my olde mum so much
i know igotta lose her one day
and im crying for tim who lost his mum to cancer
when he was about 8…
and god….
we go back in n keep trying to rehearse
marty is the very picture of sanity n restraint
but im acting like a total jerk
peter says the wrong thing to me
and THATS IT!
im fucking outta here
i flounce out
my huff arrives n i leave
as i walk out tim says cheerfully to othrs
well maybe we can rehearse a bit without the killer…
ive let em all down
i come back to room
where despite exhaustion
i toss n turn
cant get to sleep
everything seems so pointless
i talk to nk
oh so lovely to hear her voice
she talks me down a little
and i get up at 5 30 this morning
do my routine
n now im gonna have a long long power walk
try n get some endorphs flowing
so there you go
anyone who writes
ah killa chill out
im gonna find yer address
come around yer house
n complain n whinge n whine n wheedle
until you cant stand it
there you go
im a jerk n a prick
i act like a baby
im spoilt n stupid n not a team player
sooner or later i piss off everyone…
there you go
your sage unmasked
just a big idiot
who also happens to be able to write good lyrics
but other than that
A RIGHT BASTARD!

54 Responses to “who ya trying to get in touch wiv?”

  1. avatar
    verdelay | 12 April 2007 at 6:54 am #

    Next time you play to a half-empty house
    Remember that you’re also playing to a half-full house
    In your head
    Baying for this and that and the other
    You know, it’s a job and a half keeping the pricks in line and once in a while
    Some petty fucker will leap out of his seat and try to stage dive or grope you or steal the mic
    And rather than being ejected
    The bovver boys in yer head will just let the fucker sit down again
    Front row centre
    Where he’ll glare at you the whole time
    Giving you the evil eye
    Threatening to flare up and rain on your little hit parade.

    And still the songs go on.

  2. avatar
    namaste | 12 April 2007 at 6:57 am #

    just got back from my gestalt group, a woman there was sharing about her own struggle with crying and yet she did…the contact and support of another (the group) helped her connect to her sadness…
    marty’s experience = providence for sk?
    be angry, be sad, remember to be gentle too…
    mad in the head or sad in the heart

  3. avatar
    Bionaut | 12 April 2007 at 7:00 am #

    I’m glad Marty was able to talk about his mother with you. I know he’s hurting. Crying for him was probably the best thing you did all day.
    Have you looked for a cheap digital camera yet? Here in the US you can get some under $20. Good enough quality for blog-posting.

  4. avatar
    Anonymous | 12 April 2007 at 7:04 am #

    humanoid…we love you for what you do …..your immediates love you.not because they have to,just because they do.is their excuse…..confidentially…..gen…the cu.t

  5. avatar
    Anonymous | 12 April 2007 at 7:11 am #

    A bad fucking hair day , the girls call it.

    Hope you come right on the night.
    Dont know now if we should be in awe of the Church’s longevity & magic or just be in awe of Peter , Marty & Tim’s volumes of patience.

    Im confused.
    Ha

    Dutch Pierre

  6. avatar
    stealthblue | 12 April 2007 at 7:16 am #

    Well,
    about the green…I can understand that, believe me, and it is one of those things that falls under the “addictive” category, but so do many other GOOD things as well. (coffee/sex/music,etc) So, in due time, I hope you get a hook up. It is bloody unfortunate (unbelievable actually) that it is still so freakin demonized, enough to the point that look what it can do to a good, harmless soul…(we ALL have our moments.)

    Other than that, I just hope you feel better soon about everything, whatever it all is. You still rock and no doubt you will come ’round too. It is good to have such cool people in your life to undertand.

    Hey, hang in there, brother and it is perfectly ok to vent. Love ya man. Here’s a big VIRTUAL HUG!!!!
    Peace,
    Ben

  7. avatar
    namaste | 12 April 2007 at 7:23 am #

    addiction is a bitch…
    but hey, like you said, it’s all about choice.
    choosing the reality…

  8. avatar
    eek | 12 April 2007 at 7:30 am #

    No one truly knows how anyone else feels, so I won’t say “I know how you feel,” but I’ve had similar rages. Totally wildly completely out of control rages where I scream and rage and smash anything within reach. It feels horrible the entire time (and afterwards too) and I know how irrational I am, even while I’m doing it, but it’s almost as if I’m possessed and I feel as if my head is going to explode. I’ve had them since I was a little kid, but thankfully they aren’t very frequent. But when they do happen they are very ugly.

    And anyone trying to jolly me out of it or telling me to look at the bright side just makes it worse and me even more furious. Sometimes I just need to rage and whine and wallow, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. And what’s really pissy is that I can’t even write good lyrics. Hell I can’t even write bad lyrics, so I’m totally screwed.

    So…yeah…no advice. No “snap out of it.” Just a bit of empathy for loss, fear, frustration, anger, sadness, loneliness, and all the other triggers, and a sincere hope you feel better soon.

    (PS I’ve had a bit of a minor meltdown of my own these last couple of days over that fucking Fed Ex box. Argh!)

  9. avatar
    craig1.618 | 12 April 2007 at 7:32 am #

    fucking catalysts…………..blocks within blocks

  10. avatar
    Anonymous | 12 April 2007 at 7:36 am #

    I know you said not to comment but I felt so sad reading this. You’re not a bastard sk, you just had to let off steam like you said, and everyone does it in their own way. Being away from the family doesn’t help I guess, but you’ll all be back together in a few weeks.
    Take care and love you always,
    Amanda

  11. avatar
    Anonymous | 12 April 2007 at 7:57 am #

    SK, You are just yourself and you cannot be otherwise.

    I am not the best catholic, nor am I very spiritually aware, but my Mum used to say ‘offer your suffering up to God’ and I always somehow felt I could get through some stuff by trying to do this.

    Don’t panic, it’s not advice. Your tale just reminded me of that about my mum.

    B.Bon

  12. avatar
    Anonymous | 12 April 2007 at 8:00 am #

    Ohhhh….now I got some bad and sad news.

    Kurt Vonnegut has died.

    b.Bon

  13. avatar
    eek | 12 April 2007 at 8:08 am #

    Oh that is sad news about Kurt.

  14. avatar
    GAM | 12 April 2007 at 8:27 am #

    Yep – you can be a prick. But 2 mitigating factors:

    1) So can the rest of your fellow human beings

    2) You recognize the fact

    & we still love ya. & despite your initial warning, I got a big laugh out of the i-Motion bit and for all the rest of it, I commend your honesty & self-deprecation.

  15. avatar
    Richard | 12 April 2007 at 8:31 am #

    you left a few words out of the last line between ‘right’ and ‘bastard’

    honest, funny and human spring to mind

    …and the fucking directions for the fucking gadget should have mentioned that you need to put the hotel thingy in the whatsy slot…

    hell, why not rake up all the pieces, take it back to where you bought it and tell them it was like that when you opened the box! I’m sure you could pull it off (just smile and make sure your calves are visible!)

  16. avatar
    syrinx | 12 April 2007 at 8:52 am #

    I’m glad you were finally able to cry.

  17. avatar
    Anonymous | 12 April 2007 at 8:54 am #

  18. avatar
    metal_petal | 12 April 2007 at 8:56 am #

    Better out than in. Shocker of a cliche, but it’s true.

    It only gets better from here. You know how to fix it, you’re doing it right now.

    Don’t beat yourself up about it.

  19. avatar
    zebob | 12 April 2007 at 9:07 am #

    Loving the honesty, the humanity, the beauty.

  20. avatar
    Lawrence from Felt | 12 April 2007 at 9:43 am #

    and all reason n logic out the window
    i do something ive never done before
    i smash the fucking thing into bits n pieces

    in the old days, the rockers did it vice versa, smashed the thing out of the windows and reason and logic into bits and pieces.

  21. avatar
    veleska1970 | 12 April 2007 at 10:37 am #

    i’m sorry you had such a bad day. but, steve, you know you can vent to us fiendss and we’ll listen. and sometimes even cry with you~~like i’m doing right now!!

    lotza love……

  22. avatar
    isolde | 12 April 2007 at 11:01 am #

    maybe it’s a good thing you all had this stuff early in the tour
    sometimes when there’s a heap of emotion or tension, if one person has a bit of a turn it looks like its all about them but its actually giving the whole group the emotional release, kids do it all the time in families

    yes i been watching for 30 years how dope makes men selfish, cruel and cold, how it freezes up their emotions, it’s a sad thing, and i say that without any moral judgement, just sorrow

    do you really really believe that you can’t write without it? because i have very clearly in my memory that post you did from london last year when you had a sore throat so couldn’t smoke and it was the clearest most beautiful writing i ever read here
    don’t you realise that every line you write is so infused with your mood and state of mind, do you realise how powerful your writing is? or the effect of it? how about what you wrote this time, not too stoned by the sounds of it, very aware of your impact on others, great stuff, like you say you can toss off a stoned ramble any old time, well you know, its all very well and we will read it, but how you relate to others, how you see them and help them, now that’s interesting, and where the difference is between a half full and a full house

  23. avatar
    Anonymous | 12 April 2007 at 11:15 am #

    Dope.
    Boring.
    Stinks.
    Yawn.

  24. avatar
    Anonymous | 12 April 2007 at 11:26 am #

    mmm…well….dunno what to say man.
    anger is an entity of its own. no one controls it.

  25. avatar
    matthew | 12 April 2007 at 12:02 pm #

    SK – it’s AALLLright. PS, I think you should find their addresses, go round to their houses and “work on” their stereos….

    kidding!

  26. avatar
    Matthew | 12 April 2007 at 12:20 pm #

    PPS I totally get the crying thing. Glad you were finally able to get into the grief, sometimes empathic grieving unlocks our own… cool man.

  27. avatar
    Brian | 12 April 2007 at 12:43 pm #

    Sorry to hear about a bad few days for you, Steve. Life could be better, but it could be worse too. You are surrounded by blessings that I can’t name, but if you count them, you might feel better. I hope you feel better soon – your friends all wish you well.

  28. avatar
    Anonymous | 12 April 2007 at 1:16 pm #

    if you think you’re an asshole, try waiting patiently for your mimesis cd. three weeks overdue while knowing that all the other bastards have it in their greasy hands.

    fuck fuck fuck
    sorry joycie

  29. avatar
    thomas | 12 April 2007 at 1:52 pm #

    If I may take the liberty of making a comparison…

    I think you want to be George Harrison, but you’re stuck being John Lennon. By all accounts John could be a right bastard as well, but as we all know, he could turn those same emotions into beauty.

  30. avatar
    Tony Pucci | 12 April 2007 at 2:48 pm #

    sk
    don’t hold back the tears
    let ’em flow
    have a good, terrible hot cry
    it’s as emotional and cathartic
    of a connection as
    the timebeing finding
    that space rock plane
    it’s mindlessness in it’s way
    just pure emotion and release
    loveya killa
    have fun in europe
    hope you find your groove soon
    the fish who cried

  31. avatar
    sue cee | 12 April 2007 at 2:50 pm #

    hi Steve, hope youre feeling better with that out of your system. pa lot of stuff building up, i can relate…you havent been away from the family for that long yet which worries me. Hopefully the tour will take your mind off things, its going to be a help for Marty too I hope. I couldnt see the blog with the tears.

    Smashing something to pieces! Wonderful therapy

    take care over there
    x

    ps and apologise!

  32. avatar
    sue cee | 12 April 2007 at 2:53 pm #

    pss feel free to let it out here y’know, wont judge you. Let it all out, tears and all. You’re probably long overdue a good cry, better than lashing out.
    x

  33. avatar
    Cee | 12 April 2007 at 3:09 pm #

    Tears are good…and they come easily for me, cried when I read you cried…
    Smashing things:
    Well, not really smashing but I used to throw my algebra book across the room when I didn’t get the formula right and all my income tax forms would go flying in all directions when I discovered I’d owe the gubment some money.
    We’re all a bunch of big apes that fall into the primal once in a while.
    Glad NK talked ya down from the roof!
    Cee
    xox

  34. avatar
    Brien Comerford | 12 April 2007 at 3:13 pm #

    Steve Kilbey: You are one of the most talented rock stars on the planet. Peerless lyrics, a diverse voice and an instrumental virtuoso. You are a humane vegetarian and a humanitarian who loves his family. You are a sage who recognizes a Creator and eternity. Your earthly voyage has been great and you’re an inspiration to many.

  35. avatar
    Brien Comerford | 12 April 2007 at 5:24 pm #

    Many people love weed and you admirably played at a vegan festival in 2006 to celebrate your addiction to humane vegetarianism. Steve is more talented than Bono, Chris Martin and Thom Yorke who play in sold out houses. Jeff Beck is a better guitarist than Eric Clapton and Jimmy Page but they play in larger sold out venues. The masses are ignorant and they don’t appreciate bona fide talent. They are unable to gauge and discern it. It’s their loss and remember Steve that the world is in a fallen state where there is more ignorant malevolence than illuminating benevolence.

  36. avatar
    Anonymous | 12 April 2007 at 5:38 pm #

    try smashing pumpkins next time

  37. avatar
    MEM | 12 April 2007 at 6:41 pm #


    the

    detachment-attachment

    displacement-shifting,

    spatial-awareness or

    awairnessless in

    spherical-disorientation,

    all this can do it to you…

    my partner, he has rage,

    everything i try do to make it better makes it worse,

    it’s an addiction itself, rage

    it’s that fix,

    we break it all down so we can make it

    work again.

    Afflictions, man

    They take it out on you,

    And who can just have one…

    Be good to you man, love yourself more for it,

    Because it’s you

    The power to change everything is at our fingertips,

    We just can’t handle it,

    That’s the addiction,

    Or mine.

    fortune after of pad-thai and bean curd

    today:

    “love truth, but pardon error”

    Michael is born 9 11 1956,

    What about that?

    Something to do with it?

    but who knows?

    We all be afflicted

    With ignorance

    Or grace

    Or savagery

    But there’s a purpose for it,

    What it is?

    Well I’m not sure…

    That’s for everyman

    To decide

  38. avatar
    mandn | 12 April 2007 at 6:46 pm #

    I like breaky noises Orpheus.

    sometimes it’s good to assert yourself
    in whatever small manner the universe presents
    so go ahead, smash a few things to bits.

    Saw Iggy Pop and The Stooges last night.
    Still recovering and ready for more.
    There’s a workout for you.

    xo
    mary

  39. avatar
    MEM | 12 April 2007 at 6:49 pm #


    the

    detachment-attachment

    displacement-shifting,

    spatial-awareness or

    awairnessless in

    spherical-disorientation,

    all this can do it to you…

    my partner, he has rage,

    everything i try to do to make it better makes it worse,

    it’s an addiction itself, rage

    it’s that fix,

    we break it all down so we can make it

    all work again.

    Afflictions, man

    They take it out on you,

    And who can just have one…

    Be good to you man, love yourself more for it,

    Not for “it”, but you…

    The power to change everything is at our fingertips,

    We just can’t handle it,

    That’s the addiction,

    Its in everything,

    every action, every reason,

    every disappointment or expectation

    ever song or flower,

    or every goddam shopping mall…

    ***

    fortune after of pad-thai and bean curd

    “love truth, but pardon error”

    We all be afflicted

    With ignorance

    Or grace

    Or savagery

    But there’s a purpose for it,

    What it is?

    Well I’m not sure…

    That’s for everyman

    To decide

  40. avatar
    Trickster | 12 April 2007 at 7:45 pm #

    mem,

    nice words

  41. avatar
    calling down baal and zeus | 12 April 2007 at 9:33 pm #

    i love marty very much ,i love you very much ,

    you have a way of sitting us ther on the steps with you ,…

    im gonna call my mom

  42. avatar
    Anonymous | 12 April 2007 at 10:28 pm #

    There’s a whole lot of hurt before you get to the bliss

  43. avatar
    ed in fl | 12 April 2007 at 11:51 pm #

    And this is just the first day of the tour…bodes well no?

    ed in fl

  44. avatar
    Celticat | 13 April 2007 at 12:32 am #

    For Fucks Sake Steve, you’re normal!

    With all my love

  45. avatar
    Anonymous | 13 April 2007 at 1:19 am #

    knew it was the power, reading
    how come we never know it at the time?

  46. avatar
    mike a | 13 April 2007 at 1:49 am #

    Hi Steve, when shit like that happens to me, I just laugh at myself…and it happens to all of us!! Hang in there!!

  47. avatar
    Anonymous | 13 April 2007 at 2:51 am #

    dude if it makes you feel any better Ive known you are a complete wanker for a long time but I still love ya and the band. well, alright, maybe I love the music.

  48. avatar
    tristan | 13 April 2007 at 3:53 am #

    hmmm. a truly honest and expressive entry.

    in my minds eye this tour one for great emotion and human quality.

    thanks for sharing bloke…

  49. avatar
    Celticat | 13 April 2007 at 4:10 am #

    Steve,

    i’m an electrical tech by trade and number one rule for apprentices to tradespeople is RTFM.

    READ THE FUCKIN MANUAL!!!!!!

    lol

  50. avatar
    jungle jim | 13 April 2007 at 4:15 am #

    Kilbey,
    you are a true barstard!

    and we luv ya!

  51. avatar
    Anonymous | 13 April 2007 at 5:44 am #

    Smashing the speakers because you forgot to put in the power card? Forgive me for pishing meself… Come on, it is a bit funny…

  52. avatar
    Sunshine | 14 April 2007 at 4:07 am #

    SK,
    Come on over! I’ll put the kettle on and you can whinge, whine and wheedle til the cows come home. …and we’ll binge on chocolate and tea …and write terrible, angry poetry that no one else will ever see as we’ll crush it down and use it to kindle a bonfire and let it all disintegrate into tiny ashen molecules.

    Perhaps that’s what you should do. Whatever’s really pissing you off, write it down on a piece of paper, then rip it up with all the anger you’ve got pent up and throw it away. Imagine this action removes it from you and in destroying it you’re effectively letting it go so it’s no longer plaguing you.

    I’m sure we’ve all had days like you’ve described.

    ~Sunshine

  53. avatar
    Anonymous | 15 April 2007 at 2:03 am #

    yeah i’m adicted to ritalin and it sucks.

  54. avatar
    John Garratt | 18 April 2007 at 3:16 pm #

    “do you know how hard it is for grown men to cry”

    Yes.

    And a few days without my anti-depressants, I’m fucked.

    John Garratt


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