obstacle rays
who do i write for anymore…. i’ve lost track….?
its hot its cold
its raining
i feel a great despondency come down
big things little things obvious things subtle things
when youre outta whack youre outta whack
i cant get in alignment
i am cursed i am blessed
but the 2 things keep racing apart
pulling me apart
is this what they refer to as catharsis…?
the only problem in my life is people
remove the people and ive got a clean run
but everything becomes an obstacle
like when you run up a seesaw
and suddenly you start running down instead
i say the universe is a joker and the jokes on us
again i am reminded of jonah and the whale
i am running running running away from something
and something else (god?) doesnt want me to run away…
but then i dont know where i am running away from…..
you will recall jonah the prophet was sent to nineveh
to rail against its wickedness
jehovah was none too impressed with the general carry-on there
he sends his man jonah in to read the king of niv the riot act
but jonah just wants a quiet life
fuck i dont wanna go to nineveh…
he groans in aramaic (or whatever it was)
so the disobedient fellow jumps on board a ship bound for joppa
tho he already knew in his heart of hearts escape was not possible
you cannot escape fate destiny god or things of this elusive but powerful nature
somewhere inside me i am aware of what it is
but i cant put my finger on it
however nothing will be smooth until i get it right
so we imagine our jonah on that boat to joppa
his head and heart arguing
just like mine which argue constantly
you see somehow out of this i pull a lotta stuff
but its tiring and there must be other ways
jonah however was in union with jehovah
he was yoked up as they might say in yoga
he knew what he had to do
but it was a rotten job
imagine some wild lawless godless city in the desert
what kind of reception would a guy like him get there….?
“listen you lot …no more sinning……..ok….?!”
who wants that gig…..?
in some foreign town , a kinda forerunner to babylon
he was sposed to tell the king off…imagine that….!
anyway for a few miles maybe the voyage was pleasant
but there were some nasty dark clouds gathering on the horizon
i wonder if he twigged straight away…
did he think …nah…….its just a storm….its nothin’ to do with me…
and when the first raindrop hit his face did he then realise….?
as the storm got worse n worse
he began to tell the sailors it was all his fault
they should throw him overboard
well the sailors werent all bad in those days
at first they didnt want to chuck him off their boat
they musta thought jonah had some real delusions of grandeur
eventually tho when it got really rough
when the next wave might sink the boat
they hurled the hapless prophet into the brine
oh such release
drowning in cold clear water
they say after you have accepted it it is quite a rapture
(but how can you believe what anybody says about things like that…?)
anyway i guess jonah hoped he’d drown and enter some blissful nonexistence
somewhere where no one was looking for him
expecting him to do this n that…..
jesus nineveh must have been quite the place
this cat jonah would really rather not go there
and just when he’s ready to inhale that water and let go
well you all know as well as i do
a great fish swallowed him whole
a severely unpleasant experience one would imagine
deep in some stinking aquatic belly
avoiding the digestive juices etc
you see how much easier it would have been to just have gone?
anyway nevermind all that
the lesson is you cant go against the grain
like a huge edifice with one brick in the wrong place could easily topple
but i am human and more so than most (whatever that means)
the angers that inflame me glow and crackle awaiting reignition
i swell up in pointless burning heat
i cool down in a pile of ash
then chuck me off the boat i dont know where i’m going
which god wants me to do what
or am i confused ….no divine errand i must run…..?
did anybody command me to write songs n make people happy?
i dunno …i waver between wild atheistic doubt and moments of theistic glory
or plonked down in the middle heeding every voice but not getting anywhere
well thats the price you pay i guess for tuning in
some times you get every station and you cant tell them apart
are any of those voices more substantial
than some bruised little ego or id whimpering and fuming
in the safe blackness of my mind…?
this my friends is called existential angst
sartre wrote about it in nausea
have any of ya read that book…..?