posted on October 20, 2007 at 3:03 am

3 commenters walk into the magic realists bar
the magic realist is behind the bar pulling phantasma gorikle drinks
the magic realist dripping words
in his minds nest hes hatching plots
they emerge barely inklings
growing on what he feeds them
bits of conversation
snatches of songs
paintings
dialogue from shakespeare
borges and neruda
cartoons and reveries
oh lovely little fat ideas they become
before leaving the mindnest to become storys
fully fledged storys flying about
the first commenter is a sychophantic yesman
oh esteban he says to the magic realist
oh i dig your stuff
(of course all this is in spanish, in fact
last night i met cecilia cee on a mistral plane
and she has kindly pre-translated the spanish
into this approximate inglish)
yeah ? says the magic realist
then drink this
the first drinks the drink
mmmm tastes like …
suddenly
he sees
the absurdity of the magic realists work
useless informationless waste of fucking time he mutters
poetry! he spits
why did i read your books?
i learnt nothing
i gained nothing
and all his envy scorn and bile erupt like lava
he drains the drink and stamps off
next comes the second commenter
hes a mix of wag and idiot and philistine and “straight”
(los ” straightos”)
hey he says rudely to the magic realist
gimme a fuckin’ drink
and by the way
your books are schlock and rubbish
ok senor says the magic realist
please drink this lovely beverage
the second commenter sips his brew
mmmm tastes like…
suddenly he sees the wonder
suddenly he sees the sheer wonder
the brilliant elusive genius
the diffused plots
the archaic and arcane words
that such a writer who writes for love
not for fear or favour
a writer who deep beneath that artificial veneer
is swimming through life with an open mind
catching everything
for his stories
and hes dazzled by this hitherto unseen light
he stumbles out in a daze
the third commenter neither loves
nor loathes the magic realist
he reads and thinks
he understands some
he empathizes with some
he sympathizes with some
he agrees with some
he disagrees with some
he makes pithy interesting comments
and he pisses off without wearing out his welcome
here says the magic realist
take this
he hands him a gram of angelfruit
no thanks says the third commenter
im still surfing the net
the magic realist nods
a customer is waving to him
the customer has three hands
he talks in pink words which come out of his mouth like ballooons
hes drinking liquid hydrogen with fairy bomb chasers
hes six feet two feet half an inch by inch
hes green with blue pointilistic pixels
the magic realist sighs
all in a days work he says
all in a days work

56 Responses to “########## &”

  1. avatar
    Anonymous | 20 October 2007 at 3:49 am #

    sigh

  2. avatar
    wag | 20 October 2007 at 3:55 am #

    nuff said

  3. avatar
    eek | 20 October 2007 at 3:57 am #

    You get all kinds in your line of work.

  4. avatar
    Anonymous | 20 October 2007 at 4:00 am #

    pour tabasco sauce down the bastards straws SK!…;-0 ;-))) ….xxA

  5. avatar
    mattdavison | 20 October 2007 at 4:05 am #

    Strange people there eh!!

    just ran over to this blog from facebook and I got the stitch..

    Just been looking at nice concert pics from NZ…

    Does anyone wanna see em?? Sk approve?? hmm

  6. avatar
    Anonymous | 20 October 2007 at 4:05 am #

    mmmm… angelfruit

  7. avatar
    a discerning patron of the TB bar | 20 October 2007 at 4:16 am #

    You make water taste like magic…really!You make plastic glassware refract wonderous prisms!…and the eye candy is a treat ,as well!..you’d have been a brilliant barman Steve!..it takes a certain amount of sarcasm,wit,diplomacy,patience,and the ability to “see one comin’ “,and a damned sparky sense of humour,for dealing with the plebs of the world.today’s blog,gave me a great chuckle…give the fellow who’s left some helium,and see what happens!..ha-ha!{nah,maybe not such a brilliant thought,it might make the other patrons smile,or something…and we couldn’t have that,now,could we….} x

  8. avatar
    Anonymous | 20 October 2007 at 4:27 am #

    Don’t worry sk, there’s hundreds of us out here loving ttb and can’t do without it!
    So is that the end of Erskine now because of those malakas comments???
    Have a beautiful day wherever you are.
    Love Amanda

  9. avatar
    Anonymous | 20 October 2007 at 4:48 am #

    used to work with a dutch fellow….a scottish man{with a very broad accent} came to this bar,and asked henri{the dutch barman},for a “cleansin’ ale”…henri was befuddledly looking through all of the “cocktail reference books” and i asked him what was taking so long with the scottish fellow’s drink….”i can find “screw-driver’s…that’s vodka n orange juice!…but there’s nothing in here about how to make a “cleansy nail!”…oh,dear!another reason why professional students stay at university until they are 104 years old…analysis paralysis,I called it…/jb x

  10. avatar
    Anonymous | 20 October 2007 at 5:06 am #

    flock to me
    my gulls
    protect
    shield

  11. avatar
    red dirt girl | 20 October 2007 at 5:39 am #

    being an honorable (and dubious) blog thief, i stole your line: “a gram of angelfruit”.

    any objections? see above

  12. avatar
    comment deleted | 20 October 2007 at 6:00 am #

    E-race!

    I can e-race anything!

  13. avatar
    Anonymous | 20 October 2007 at 6:53 am #

    lovely! x

  14. avatar
    Candy | 20 October 2007 at 7:12 am #

    Three surrealists walk into a bar……ouch!who put that there? xo love . sweet karmic edging.

  15. avatar
    Symon | 20 October 2007 at 7:24 am #

    There’s far too much thinking and talking in that bar SK…bars are for drinking and laughing (and a little bit of talking and thinking i spose).

    I’ll have a Lowenbrau if your pouring.

    Slainte Mhath!

  16. avatar
    Anonymous | 20 October 2007 at 7:58 am #

    do you have any chips?…oh,wrong question,sorry…may i purchase some chips?..and a PJ AJ n cranberry stoli?..lemme at the dartboard!if the buggers give you any trouble,i’ll just pretend to miss…use the force,and pop their inflated philistine bubbles…have a lovely evening Steven…love to you,as always ,gen xxxxx x

  17. avatar
    lily was here | 20 October 2007 at 8:42 am #

    Steve, is it fantasy or is it interpretation? Can their reality be his?! The third man, a world weary time traveller, designated driver, a fear fugitive, maybe german, multi-linguist, the perfect guest .. played by Harrison Ford? set in Peru. By the way, I have a stamp on my hand that says under ultraviolet light “do not spike my drink”.
    love x

    davem, did you mosh out? I have huge faith in you. Dont eat the peanuts!

  18. avatar
    Melissa | 20 October 2007 at 9:13 am #

    Sometimes I think of this quote from the film, ‘the Libertine’ when I feel a bit peeved:

    “In my experience those who do not like you fall into two catagories: the stupid and the envious. The stupid will like you in 5 years. The envious, never”

    πŸ™‚

  19. avatar
    fantasticandy | 20 October 2007 at 10:45 am #

    blimey! a couple of days off..and look what happens!
    jen returns!(most happy about that.)
    erskine returns!
    davem goes all ‘moany’ on me!
    sorry dave,….i really can’t make it…shame….’coz i quite like the idea of you ‘n i against the mosh hoards!!!!
    but it is the first ever live ‘dudes’ gig..over 3 years of solid studio action and 7 albums worth of stuff in the can….but live?
    so must rehearse old chum!
    shedloads of love to all the ‘regulars’
    and extra special best wishes to the lady who gave steve her four-leaf clover!
    andy L.

  20. avatar
    timf | 20 October 2007 at 11:10 am #

    hmmm which category do i fall into….

    dont think im a sycophant…not like i idolize the son of a bitch..

    hope im not number two…who wants to come across as an idiot?..but i
    am a straight (but only when i need to be)

    number 3 …well pithy i can deal with..not sure i leave comments that are THAT interesting…and who wants to wear out their welcome…if i could be any kind of commentor i hope it would be number 3…and with a lot of hard work and some support…who knows one day…i just might make it. In life you have to have goals people..something to strive for..i really jus wish to be the best commentor i can be…its not easy…but my life coach always says better to do the right thing than the easy thing…and if this continues much longer im afraid i will wear out my welcome so i think it best if i just….

  21. avatar
    woodsprite | 20 October 2007 at 12:16 pm #

    Number 1: Seeking personal relationship through praise.

    Number 2: Also seeking relationship, in a reversed psychological sorta way.

    Number 3: Possible Aquarian nature, doesn’t really desire relationship but truly likes the blog.

    Customer: God of Hangovers from the Hogfather?

  22. avatar
    relic | 20 October 2007 at 12:42 pm #

    timf, youre not an idiot by any means. I could be though by other standards.

  23. avatar
    timf | 20 October 2007 at 12:52 pm #

    thanx relic…alot worse than you on here ole chum

  24. avatar
    Ethereal Butterfly | 20 October 2007 at 1:12 pm #

    ah………this one is more ‘yang’, balancing the last post being predominately ‘yin’ me thinx…….flutter flutter….ya me likes zis…….

  25. avatar
    paul lightfoot | 20 October 2007 at 1:23 pm #

    Fucking Brilliant!!

  26. avatar
    davem | 20 October 2007 at 1:28 pm #

    Fucking rubbish Kilbey.
    I knew I should have stayed off that phantasma gorikle………………..
    Undertones tonight Sue and Andy(good luck with the Dudes gig chap), please God no My Perfect bloody Cousin.

  27. avatar
    Anonymous | 20 October 2007 at 1:30 pm #

    1. DaveM
    2. Matt Davyddson
    3. Ricky Maimi

  28. avatar
    Anonymous | 20 October 2007 at 2:19 pm #

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vl9OKddQBRg

  29. avatar
    Anonymous | 20 October 2007 at 2:20 pm #

    Kate Bush & David Gilmour – Running up that Hill – Live SPB

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vl9OKddQBRg

    <3 K

  30. avatar
    Anonymous | 20 October 2007 at 2:41 pm #

    “You know when you’ve been Tango-ed!!! The Realist’s drink must’ve been Tango.

  31. avatar
    davem | 20 October 2007 at 3:59 pm #

    Ta anon but I beat you to it by 2 mins.

  32. avatar
    veleska1970 | 20 October 2007 at 3:59 pm #

    **doubled over laughing**

    this one today was a hoot, steve. i still can’t stop chuckling. so~~you’ve summed up all of us fiendss into just three commenter-types? yeah, looking back to the just-about-two-years that i’ve been reading your blogge, i guess i would agree. eek’s right~~you DO get all types in your line of work. πŸ˜‰

    hmmm~~i wonder which category i fall into?

    lotza love…..

  33. avatar
    veleska1970 | 20 October 2007 at 4:01 pm #

    to andyL: like i said, i wish i could be there to see you!!

  34. avatar
    timf | 20 October 2007 at 4:40 pm #

    which reminds me i have other reparations to make to another musician friend who did me a big favor, that will take a little time too, as im tapped, so if you could please extend my tab just a little longer
    here bartender???

    i hope to soon become a regular PAYING customer but times are tough and only getting better…if i could have one more drink before you cut me off id be forever in your debt.

    may have to roll up some change but dont worry, you can count on me killer.

    after all ttb came up with the “pay what you want” model long before
    re-diohead.

    and every stinkin lousy one of yeah who DOES NOT subscribe to ttb but steals pleasure or inspiration in his art, in his blog should get a very hard smack, or worse yet a life relegated to reading blogs about paris hilton or listening to james blunt…INSTEAD of smoking one..

  35. avatar
    JONNY NOT YET SO HOLLYWOODISH | 20 October 2007 at 5:19 pm #

    just ‘a’ gram of angelfruit esskay, eye have an ounce of angelfruit waiting waiting…
    Jonny Angelfruit

  36. avatar
    dig | 20 October 2007 at 5:22 pm #

    hey I actually think james blunt has written an ok songie 1972 not bad for today if u compare the rest o the shit out there, I hated that beautiful thing, but this one aint bad, and yeah I have got a background in ever band u could mention. Give the dude some credit for this one what else is there at the moment wolfmother yuk digitalism yeah ok not bad but fuck a good song writer like lou reed lloyde cole mwp morrissey grant lee phillips anit been around for a really long while. That was the first commercial song I heard in a long while put out by a major thais isn’t bad.

  37. avatar
    Dig | 20 October 2007 at 5:25 pm #

    spelling yeah I know!

  38. avatar
    andmoreagain | 20 October 2007 at 5:32 pm #

    Yeah, I heard that Blunt cd the other day and it wasn’t too bad actually. I’m still a little put off by his James Taylorish.

  39. avatar
    gareth,notts | 20 October 2007 at 5:32 pm #

    apologies in advance steve for this not being relevant to todays blog,but there seems to be something of a parallel universe (no pun intended) happening over here.went to see,what in my opinion is britains answer to The Church…Puressence,again last night.They released 3 great albums on Island who basically didnt promote the band,then told the band they needed to sound more like savage garden!..the band told them to f**k off,they parted company…and proceeded to make what is maybe their best album yet, and now pretty much do everything themselves.couldnt help noticing the similarities,musically and career-wise.and of course,i also gave the band their first introduction to The Church…

  40. avatar
    dig | 20 October 2007 at 5:39 pm #

    and the fact that he wore a leather jacket, but didn’t Marty wear one in reptile vid or was that Vinyl hope so or he should be watching http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vecCZsHlYEc

  41. avatar
    Brien Comerford | 20 October 2007 at 6:51 pm #

    Will somebody please record SK’s upcoming gig at the cruelty free living vegan festival. I know I was not one of three commentors because I only drink whiskey, water, carrot juice and soymilk. Tonight is the first time in my life that I’m missing a Chicago-Area Morrissey performance. I’ve seen him twice in the last two years.
    Most of Sk’s blogs are like CHurch Cds for me. I need to read them a few times before they hit me!!

  42. avatar
    Queen Hatshepsut | 20 October 2007 at 8:14 pm #

    los straightos
    very clever
    do you have anything
    that’ll make me see the world
    as I did when I was about 5?
    I’ll take one of those please.
    denise
    xxoo

  43. avatar
    Faye | 20 October 2007 at 9:38 pm #

    good morning Steven!..hope your morning is a sparkley one!do you serve breakfast at TTB bar?….I’d like some mushies,and onion on toast,please?…it is after all sunday!….x peace n love . xo

  44. avatar
    Anonymous | 21 October 2007 at 12:16 am #

    good morning, steven.
    and a very happy birthday to little bumpter.

    eyes of an ounce of angelfruit

  45. avatar
    meanwhile there wasa hearda sputtaing ina uniperverse nexta doora... | 21 October 2007 at 1:42 am #

    all in a days work
    all in a days work he says
    the magic realist sighs
    hes green with blue pointilistic pixels
    hes six feet two feet half an inch by inch
    hes drinking liquid hydrogen with fairy bomb chasers
    he talks in pink words which come out of his mouth like
    balloons
    the customer has three hands
    a customer is waving to him
    the magic realist nods
    im still surfing the net
    no thanks says the third commenter
    he hands him a gram of angelfruit
    take this
    here says the magic realist
    and he pisses off without wearing out his welcome
    he makes pithy interesting comments
    he disagrees with some

    he agrees with some
    he sympathizes with some
    he empathizes with some
    he understands some
    he reads and thinks
    nor loathes the magic realist
    the third commenter neither loves
    he stumbles out in a daze
    and hes dazzled by this hitherto unseen light
    for his stories
    catching everything
    is swimming through life with an open mind
    a writer who deep beneath that artificial veneer
    not for fear or favour
    that such a writer who writes for love
    the archaic and arcane words
    the diffused plots

    the brilliant elusive genius
    suddenly he sees the sheer wonder
    suddenly he sees the wonder
    mmmm tastes like…
    the second commenter sips his brew
    please drink this lovely beverage
    ok senor says the magic realist
    your books are schlock and rubbish
    and by the way
    gimme a fuckin’ drink
    hey he says rudely to the magic realist
    (los ” straightos”)
    hes a mix of wag and idiot and philistine and “straight”
    next comes the second commenter
    he drains the drink and stamps off
    and all his envy scorn and bile erupt like lava
    i gained nothing
    i learnt nothing
    why did i read your books?
    poetry! he spits
    useless informationless waste of fucking time he mutters
    the absurdity of the magic realists work
    he sees
    suddenly
    mmmm tastes like …
    the first drinks the drink
    then drink this
    yeah ? says the magic realist
    (into this approximate inglish
    and she has kindly pre-translated the Spanish
    last night i met cecilia cee on a mistral plane
    of course all this is in spanish, in fact)
    oh i dig your stuff
    oh esteban he says to the magic realist
    the first commenter is a sychophantic yesman
    fully fledged storys flying about
    before leaving the mindnest to become storys
    oh lovely little fat ideas they become
    cartoons and reveries
    borges and neruda
    dialogue from shakespeare
    paintings
    snatches of songs
    bits of conversation
    growing on what he feeds them
    they emerge barely inklings
    in his minds nest hes hatching plots
    the magic realist dripping words
    the magic realist is behind the bar pulling phantasma gorikle drinks
    3 commenters walk into the magic realists bar

  46. avatar
    lily was here | 21 October 2007 at 1:57 am #

    You get all kinds in life or reality. Hope the red one had a sparkling birthday

  47. avatar
    Anonymous | 21 October 2007 at 2:02 am #

    wow,shuffle ,reverse,beep beep.zing,ting clap,clap,clap. 11:42am…bravo! just goes to show,even upside down,and back to front SK is amazing!…/jb x

  48. avatar
    steve kilbey | 21 October 2007 at 3:35 am #

    hey meanwhile in the…
    i loved that
    thank you
    it freaked me freaking out
    nice methodology
    hats off to you
    sk

  49. avatar
    Anonymous | 21 October 2007 at 3:48 am #

    πŸ˜€

    Everyone slinks off thinking “why didnt i think of that?” nice cocktail 1142. I almost skipped past it.

  50. avatar
    a very important commentor | 21 October 2007 at 4:52 am #

    I … am number 53! x what category do I fall into ,now….1, 2,or,3?…

  51. avatar
    what happened | 21 October 2007 at 5:05 am #

    Where did all those number 3 type commenters go?

    There used to be some regulars worth reading but not much of late.

    I think the Magic Realist needs them more than he’d care to admit.

    I think some of his best cocktails were mixed with no 3’s in mind.

  52. avatar
    steve kilbey | 21 October 2007 at 5:12 am #

    this is all for 3

  53. avatar
    Anonymous | 21 October 2007 at 5:40 am #

    1 3 all,and all 3, 1 !

  54. avatar
    Centuryhouse | 22 October 2007 at 12:18 am #

    Hit me again bartender, I need a drink (or a gram of angelfruit).

    πŸ™‚

    It’s the best bar in town…

    dw

  55. avatar
    mammories in future tents | 22 October 2007 at 12:41 am #

    hee hee! x love . ?????? i’ll stick around til they put the “ugly lights”on next time.ya never know if you might score a free drink!

  56. avatar
    Cee | 22 October 2007 at 6:11 pm #

    Glad to meet you on the mistral plane.


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