posted on July 22, 2016 at 9:33 am
revved up

revved up

i am in some lovely place called santa cruz

already a few gigs behind in my writings

i struggle with myself

feel myself falling apart in this whirl

i am here its 4 pm in the afternoon i walked round n had a meal

bored listless stateless sleepless

sometimes wondering what it all means

and why am i anywhere i ever am?

the music the words the conversations

meeting and greeting and sweet talking em

not feeling too hungry despite everything

nice to play on an empty stomach

people i say i look good

but inside my anxieties multiply

everything always needing so much attention

i try to remember all i forget

immune to california i remain hermetically sealed

my life speeds up and ebbs away before me

minutes like entire aeons

days like a beat of a hummingbirds wing

onstage energy is rushing to me at least

onstage i get healed for a while in the noise of it all

i get caught up in it all

the sound and the lights

i can’t remember much of it now

i feel a deep detachment coming on

look out as a stranger

husbands n wives IT guys n girl drummers

the old woman and the young boy

the hospitality lady and the nutty stalkers

the old friends and the merely curious

someone you used to know

someone you hadn’t met yet

the ears ring on

the eyes blur

the voice falters

the dream coalesces

the good times in kodak chrome seen as from years away

the bad times frozen in over saturation on the screen in yer mind

all the pain and the junk and the lies and the tears

all the twists and mists and sisters i shouldna kissed

all the gigs where i really came on like i was big

all the halls that made me feel small

our bus hurtles along through outskirts of towns

i dream of the remote and inaccessible  things

the things i can’t have

the things no one can have

the things that are now all lost

i dream of the things I’ve been told

as they all try to come true around me

i am lonely in this crowd

the air is incredibly still

the temperature is perfect

a night off in nowhere

22 Responses to “another reverie”

  1. Jmb066
    Jmb066 | 22 July 2016 at 9:51 am #

    Steve,

    We do appreciate all you go through while on a tour, being away from your family must be tough. Surrounded by your many fans I am sure helps and can yet be strange as there is no way you can remember them all. Sad to hear you are lonely amongst your loyal following. Maybe next tour you should be one or all of your kids along and make a vacation out of it like Peter did. Anyway hang in there, looking forward to seeing you soon and remember it could be worse, you could be working 9-5 in some mindless job that in the end does not do anything positive for the world. Your art is a positive influence to the world and will entertain for many years to come for those smart enough to look and listen.

    Take care,

    Jason

  2. avatar
    tabatha333 | 22 July 2016 at 10:10 am #

    What a lonely and sad sounding post. You should feel proud of all you’ve accomplished and learned along the way. Our mistakes are what make us who we are today. I wish we could take back the past. I’ve made many mistakes too. Life is a scary thing and it goes by so fast. Just try to live in the moment and appreciate what you have. I know your fans love you! You are very lucky to be doing the thing that you love and you do it so well. A man of many words. I don’t really know you but I get a positive vibe from the things you show and write. Enjoy these times for they will be the past someday. Best wishes to you Steve. 333

  3. etta
    etta | 22 July 2016 at 10:37 am #

    Thank you for invading and pervading my reverie

  4. avatar
    Cath | 22 July 2016 at 11:15 am #

    blessings dear Steve, sending you healing angels to hold you in the whirl, peace to you dear Steve. Must be strange the earth dissappearing underfoot disorientation….? A friendly magnificent tree may you find to shelter and do yoga under 🙂

  5. avatar
    KristineM | 22 July 2016 at 11:36 am #

    This makes sense as I got the feeling you were unhappy last night, at least until you got onstage. But it would be tiring travelling to different places and always having to talk and entertain people everywhere you go. I would think you would have to lock yourself away from everyone for awhile to just collect yourself and your thoughts and have some peace. Just remember we all love you and what you do and your music makes people happy and we are grateful you put yourself through touring. Get some rest and try to think of all the things you care about and ignore the other stuff you can’t change.

    Kristine xx

  6. avatar
    Crowd of Stars | 22 July 2016 at 2:41 pm #

    An enduring sobriety, despite the wine. Me too, sometimes. The pointed blue can be so monstrous. But you’re all about the next day and the next day and the next.

  7. kevinbreton
    kevinbreton | 22 July 2016 at 2:46 pm #

    Hey Mr K. I hope you feel less lonely. Lonely in a crowded room kinda thing. I just mean to say God bless you. You were so cool and interesting in jokes magic and souvenirs. You are a souvenir. ! It’s kinda cool for me when I know I’m just dust in the wind but will one day see the Almighty. I’ve heard that God is the highest form of reality. Kev

  8. avatar
    bendonne | 22 July 2016 at 5:52 pm #

    yur st louis show is sold out, $170 a bone on stub hub, that’s macca money, justly desired, leave the back stage door open please, come back to evanston Space, providence by lake michigami

  9. avatar
    pwebb@fullchannel.net | 23 July 2016 at 4:26 am #

    I lived in Santa Cruz for 8 years (and it’s where I became a marine biologist!) and saw many shows at the Catalyst. It’s a great town – hard to wrap my head around the fact that The Church is now playing there, of course long after I left. I hope your mood picks up and you enjoy the rest of the tour as much as all of your fans will. Too bad I won’t be able to see any of it this time through.
    -Paul

  10. kevinbreton
    kevinbreton | 23 July 2016 at 5:40 am #

    I am a hermit myself Mr K. Well grounded in the ways of anxieties. The first Kevin to live on planet earth was also a solitary hermit. I think anxiety in all of us is on the rise because of the influx of terrorism. We just have to know that God is bigger. As far as I kind of understand the devil is so horribly frightened by and doesn’t fully understand the power of Jesus blood and the cross. That is our only real weapon. Our faith in that mans blood. It’s not a sword or a suit of armor. It’s something even bigger and more mystifying. When someone calls upon Christs name He will by no means turn them away. Don’t mean to be religious and K. Just wanted to share what I’ve learned and think. Religious has a bad connotation but Jesus name is just like saying the word “true”. Be excellent Mr K. Kev

  11. avatar
    r.richiec | 23 July 2016 at 8:19 pm #

    Hang in there man.your music inspires me.

  12. avatar
    caitbrid | 24 July 2016 at 7:16 am #

    Wow you get so down on the road it seems. We all wish we could help but you said it all with “the things I can’t have the things no one can have the things that are now all lost.” That is the story of life the older we get. I like the idea of bringing your kids along. They are something that you DO still have. I hope you feel better. You are in my prayers always since you have helped me so much with your music and words.

    Kathleen in Philly

  13. avatar
    tovlov8 | 24 July 2016 at 12:44 pm #

    Hello. I just saw your band at the Teragram Ballroom this last Wednesday, well with my brother also, and we both loved our evening spent with The Church. Strange this note you left of solitude and sadness. Strange because I always feel uplifted after listening to your music -I don’t know maybe I’m just nieve. After I read your note, I couldn’t help but to think of the parable that Jesus told of the prodigal son. It breaks my heart, yet gives me so much joy when I get to the part where the father runs to his once lost son. You should read it. The Bible , Luke Chapter 15 verses 11-32. God Bless you and I’m praying that this feeling leaves you.
    P.S. I know when I’m feeling like that I just start giving thanks for all that I have that is good and for all the lessons learned from the bad. I hope this helps.

  14. avatar
    tovlov8 | 24 July 2016 at 2:40 pm #

    Here’s something to help uplift your spirit.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dK_FiuyVU2Y

  15. avatar
    Cocoamo | 25 July 2016 at 5:18 am #

    See, it’s just a mystery to me – not that I stand in judgement of anyone who enjoys it. It’s like people who enjoy eating raw oysters. To me a raw oyster would be like a slimy wad of mucous; you couldn’t pay me to eat one (vegan or not). It would be torture if someone were to force me to swallow one. But people pay a lot to eat them and they love them (!). I can’t understand the appeal.

    And so it is being hypersensitive to sound. Maybe there’s some upside? I don’t know, not having experienced normal hearing for comparison. Maybe I hear nuances in music that get past others? Who knows. All I know is when the volume is turned up, it’s like having boiling water thrown on me. I can’t breathe. If someone is in my escape path, I will (and have done so) knock them down to get away.

    So, as wonderful as it is to see The Church in flesh and blood, when the music starts I must leave. What I am getting around to is that it is quite mysterious to me how people tolerate, much less enjoy, loud concerts. It’s hard for me to believe or imagine that people can actually hear the music past the loudness. It’s like extra-hot pepper sauce dumped on one’s favorite food – how can you still taste it?

    And people screaming, usually female. Open the mouth and it’s like a loud, high-pitched whistle. Don’t get this as an expression of joy. The dancing I get, wholeheartedly, but the screaming? Maybe I’ll start losing my hearing and get relief one of these days.

    And I imagine you, with the tinnitus issues, and I imagine you suffering through it. Lose yourself in it? It certainly would obliterate everything else, for sure, in my world anyway.

    Maybe not. Like I said, the appeal of that many decibels just escapes me, but that is just because of my little problem.

    Must be wonderful to enjoy it.

    Moot point this time with Pittsburgh not in the offing anyway.

    Your Friend in Pennsylvania

  16. kevinbreton
    kevinbreton | 26 July 2016 at 11:31 am #

    I was stuck for a long time wondering if there really was a divine being or if it was just a collective soul of things we can observe giving us any impressions or dreams we may have. Just like all my instruments were made by humans and “reverie” was a tune by Debussy. The question is there a force beyond our intelligence a different realm. I believe there is but like the narnia stuff we could only experience as a little child would like on a swing or something. Basically we won’t understand why God planted the tree of good and evil. But is it real. That’s the question. I think…. Is it God angels saints. Or is some kind of Jung collective conscious? I believe the former. And I’m a philosopher Kirk! Not a preacher! Kev

  17. avatar
    Ingrid | 26 July 2016 at 12:12 pm #

    Sending you good vibes from home!

  18. avatar
    crimson | 29 July 2016 at 7:01 am #

    these performances are craft for which you’ve practiced your whole life long, the feelings and mind shift, the craft and the vision it imparts remain, like what’s burned off in an alchemical vessel… forget yourself?


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